Partners for Life
by Anne Bensler
Summary: He left the job but he didn't leave her. He would never do that. He didn't set foot in the 1-6 again for years after that fatal shooting in 2011, but how could he leave her after all those years together? If the past twelve years had proven anything, it was that their friendship was unbreakable. So what really happened aside from what was shown on screen? Rated M as of chapter 55.
1. Resignation

**Summary**  
 **He left the job but he didn't leave her. He would never do that. He didn't set foot in the 1-6 again for years after that fatal shooting in May of 2011, but how could he leave _her_ after all those years together? If the past twelve years had proven anything, it was that their friendship was unbreakable. So what really happened aside from what was shown on screen?**

 **Underlined print is directly from the show, which I don't own. NBC and Dick Wolf do.**

...

1.

It wasn't easy getting used to the new detectives. It just wasn't the same. The cases were still heartbreaking and she was still working all hours but Olivia Benson couldn't quite find her groove again. Not since _he_ had left the squad.

It was almost like a mourning process. They'd been partnered for twelve years. Working together had come so naturally to them. They'd been in sync from day one. It wasn't easy to leave that behind. Their partnership had its ups and downs but their friendship had only grown deeper. And while they had kept things professional at all times, they had looked out for each other beyond the call of duty.

They still did.

It had taken Elliot ten days before he finally picked up the phone when she called him. He'd broken down as soon as she asked him how he was doing and he had agreed to meet her. Being cooped up at home was suffocating him and he needed to get out.

In all their years together they had made sure to keep touching to an absolute minimum. But when she saw him at the café, waiting for her in a booth in the back, she'd been so relieved that she had wrapped her arms around him even before he had gotten up completely. He had laughed, stumbling back a little because she crashed into him like that and she had laughed with him. It turned out to be the first long talk of many.

...

 **June, 2011**

Elliot was taking it very hard. He knew that taking a shot at Jenna had been his only option but he was racking his brain, wondering why he hadn't aimed for her hip, her leg, her shoulder - anything other than her chest. Olivia kept telling him it was a split second decision and he had to be sure he'd hit her so she wouldn't squeeze the trigger again. But she knew it wasn't really helping. He still blamed himself and she could feel his pain.

"I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do my job again," he told her one day.

He had dropped by her apartment unannounced, again. Olivia could see how tense he was. He had been on paid leave for weeks but the timeout didn't seem to be helping at all. IAB had already determined that it was a good shoot but even that didn't make Elliot feel any better about it. Besides, they were now looking at his entire jacket and he knew they would find more incidents.

"All I ever wanted was to help people, protect them and what do I do? I end up shooting a victim ..."

He was sitting on her couch, elbows on his knees and his forehead leaning in his hands. Olivia scooted a little closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder hesitantly. He relaxed a little under her touch and admitted that it actually helped that she didn't blame him. She'd had a good rapport with Jenna and was heartbroken herself about the young life that had ended so abruptly. But she had not blamed Elliot for one second.

She smiled.

"Of course I don't. I _know_ you, remember?"

He looked at her and nodded.

"I know," he said softly. He seemed so sad though and she wondered what was going on in that head of his.

"Are you sleeping at all?" she asked.

"Not much."

"Talking to Kathy?"

"Not much."

...

IAB was sniffing around the office again and Olivia asked Cragen about it. He explained that they were still looking into Elliot's jacket and that the whole squad was now on notice.

"So what, so he's the sacrificial lamb? You're just gonna give him up?" she fired at her Captain.

"You know me better than that," Cragen replied. "He's like a son to me. I've been pushing as hard as I can. I just don't know how it's gonna shake out."

"What does that mean?" She needed to know so Elliot would know what he'd be facing.

"That means, if Elliot wants to keep his job, he's gonna have to submit to a psych eval, anger management, a lotta hoops."

She could see in Cragen's eyes what she already knew herself.

"He'll tell them to go to hell."

...

 **July, 2011**

Kathleen had invited her to her twenty-second birthday, which she would celebrate at her parents' home. All Elliot's kids were going to be there and they really wanted her to come. Olivia had been a part of their family for so long and the children were missing her now that their father no longer worked with her. She had to admit she missed them too and was happy to come. All the children greeted her warmly and Maureen introduced her to her boyfriend proudly. They had just moved in together. It was her first serious relationship and Olivia hoped it would work out for the eldest of the Stabler girls. Eli was three already and she was amazed at how fast he was growing up. Elliot was happy to have all his kids in one house since that didn't happen very often anymore. She could tell he was enjoying himself, even though he did seem to get tired after a while.

Olivia offered to help Kathy out in the kitchen and Kathy was grateful.

"I'm just happy to help," she told her partner's wife.

They worked side by side in silence for a while, putting all kinds of snacks on different plates while Kathleen received her friends that were coming in in two's and threes. When they were almost finished Olivia finally asked the question that had been burning on her tongue ever since she got there.

"So Kathy ... how is Elliot really doing?"

Kathy stopped what she was doing and sighed, leaning her palms on the kitchen counter and bowing her head.

"You tell me," she said softly.

Olivia frowned.

"What do you mean?"

Kathy straightened her back and looked at her.

"Olivia, he's home all day now but he might as well not be. I have no idea how he's doing."

The blonde looked defeated and Olivia had not expected this. She had thought it would be good for the couple to spend more time together so they could get closer again. Their marriage had always had ups and downs but they always found each other again. She felt a pang of guilt when Kathy told her,

"He still talks more to you than to me, Olivia. I hear him on the phone sometimes and ... well, I guess I should be glad he talks to _someone_."

She bowed her head again and Olivia tried to think of something to say to make her feel better. But she couldn't. Kathy was right.

"That someone should be you Kathy. You're his wife."

Kathy looked at her, with sadness in her blue eyes.

"In all the years you've worked with him, you've always been more aware of that fact than he has."

...

Back in her apartment, Kathy's words just kept repeating in Olivia's head. On the one hand, it had been a great compliment. Kathy had acknowledged that she had never, ever done anything to stand in the way of Elliot's marriage. In fact, she had often been the one to encourage him to go home, spend time with Kathy and the kids, reminded him of the kids' events, told him to go talk to her after an argument. Kathy was right. She had always been aware of the fact that Kathy was his wife.

On the other hand, it wasn't the best starting point for Kathy with her husband, now that she had more time to spend with him. Kathy had confided in her even more after Olivia had put an arm around her in the kitchen. She had really hoped that the new pregnancy would be a fresh start for them. That things would be better after their two years apart. Olivia told her that she had thought the same and for all she knew, it had been.

Thinking back, she knew it had never really been all good. When she went over to their house to tell Kathy that Elliot had gone undercover unexpectedly, Kathy had been on the verge of leaving again. And again, she had been the one to convince her to stay. She wanted Elliot to keep his family because his family was what made him happy and kept him grounded. Made him see what was really important in life.

Family was what she was missing. It was almost like wanting to keep his family together was as much for her own benefit as it was for his. She needed that perfect picture and she was grateful that they allowed her to be a part of it sometimes, like today, on Kathleen's birthday. But she had to admit, even the most perfect pictures had cracks in them. And maybe this picture was damaged more than she had realized after all. Or maybe she just never wanted to see it.

...

 **August, 2011**

The finality had hit her when Cragen told her Elliot had put his papers in. Despite the fact that she already knew and supported his decision, she had broken down anyway. There was no going back now. She called him late that night and they spoke over the phone for a while. He assured her she could do the job without him. Probably better, he had joked, because she wouldn't have to reign him in so much when his temper got the best of him. She laughed but felt like crying a little too. Elliot noticed of course, and he offered to take her out for drinks soon.

And he did.

...

 **September 2011**

It was actually relaxing to meet him outside work these days and not have heavy cases on their minds to worry or argue about.

"How's the new partner?" Elliot asked.

She glanced at him from across the small table they were seated at.

"He's not my partner. I'm just showing him the ropes," she told him.

Elliot nodded.

"Hmhmm. You keep telling yourself that."

She smiled weakly. There was no going back. She knew it but it would take time. More time.

"Well, he's not you," she admitted. "But he's a little _like_ you."

Elliot's interest was piqued.

"How so?"

Olivia counted the similarities on her fingers for him.

"He's married, Catholic, and he has a temper."

"My kinda guy," Elliot agreed with a grin.

Then his face turned serious.

"What?" Olivia asked. "What is it El?"

"Liv, I ehm ... Kathy and I have been talking and ... we've decided we are going to move."

Olivia suddenly had the ominous feeling something bad was going to happen.

"Move? Where to?"

"Santa Cruz."

He might as well have punched her in the gut.

"Santa Cruz, California?"

She couldn't hide the slight panic in her voice. Elliot just nodded and stared at his drink.

"Why?"

Her question almost sounded like a sob. He was moving across the country? Santa Cruz was just about the furthest he could get from New York City without actually leaving the US.

"Kathy always wanted to go there. She thinks that maybe a clean break will help us make a fresh start."

She knew Kathy was desperate for a fresh start but she had not expected her to take it this far.

"What about your kids?" she asked, trying to ignore the nauseous feeling in her stomach.

"Eli is coming with us, the others have their own lives now and want to stay here. I ... I'm sorry Liv."

He glanced at her and he looked sad. Still, he should't apologize to her. He didn't owe her an explanation or an apology. But she was going to miss him. So much. She already missed him at work and now there would be no more spontaneous meetings anymore either. He was her best friend. Her only real friend. The only one she had allowed to get close to her. But he needed to go, for his wife and his son. He belonged with them.

Olivia bit her lip and looked down at her hands on the table, trying to think of something meaningful to say to him. But she couldn't think of anything. All she could think of was the emptiness ahead of her. Elliot put his hands over hers and she looked up at him.

"Liv. I have to do this. You understand, don't you?"

It was almost as if he was asking her for permission. And as if he was telling her he'd rather stay in New York. With her. But that wasn't his place. He should be with his wife and their young son.

"We'll be in town from time to time, visiting the kids," he added almost reassuringly while rubbing her hands with his thumbs. "And we can keep in touch long distance right?"

He was looking at her so hopefully, needing to know she would be alright that she forced a smile.

"Yeah. We'll do that."

She knew they wouldn't keep in touch. Not regularly anyway. That never worked. He would soon have his new life there in California and she would be busy with work as well. She cried herself to sleep that night. She hadn't lost him completely but he was drifting away and soon he would be out of her life. And so her mourning process continued.

...

 **Please leave a review. Isn't this much more likely than what we saw on the show? Should I continue?**


	2. David

**I'm glad to see so many people find this story interesting! Let's see what happens next.**

2.

 **October 2011**

They left at the end of October and Olivia offered to drive them to the airport. The entire family, including Elliot's mother, had gathered at Maureen's place. They had decided to rent out the family house and not sell it just yet. Some furniture had been put in storage and the rest was being shipped to California, where they had rented a smaller house. Olivia could tell it wasn't easy for the parents to leave four of their kids behind. But they were all adults now. Maureen was living with her boyfriend, Kathleen had her own place and the twins lived on campus. Elliot promised them they'd be back for their 19th birthday in February and Olivia made a mental note of the date. Eli seemed the least bothered by all of the goodbyes although he did cry a little after everyone had hugged him. He must sense something was off and he just held on to his mom until he saw Olivia standing next to her. He reached for her and Kathy released him so Olivia could hold him.

"Liv goodbye too?" the little boy asked after she'd placed him on her hip, and they all laughed.

"Yes, but not just yet okay? I will drive you all the way to the airplane first," Olivia told him in the most cheerful tone she could manage.

"Eli go inna airo-plane," Eli replied enthusiastically.

"Yey!"

Olivia bounced him up and down on her hip and caught Elliot looking at her with teary eyes. She couldn't read the expression on his face right away and looked away before she might manage to read it. She would have to block it out if she was going to get through this goodbye. It would be months before she would see him again - if he would take the time to meet up with her in February at all.

...

They all hugged at the airport before the small family would have to go through customs. Kathy thanked her for 'everything' and both women knew she meant a lot more than taking them to the airport. Eli wrapped his little arms around her neck tightly and Elliot had to make an effort to pry him off her again. He held his son on his hip, making their goodbye a little less awkward than it might have been. He gave Olivia a one-armed hug and she put her arms around both father and son loosely.

"I'll text you once we get there okay?" he said softly. "To let you know we arrived safely."

She nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. She wanted to tell him she would miss him but the words wouldn't form so she just looked into his eyes, hoping he would know it without hearing it. She saw that he knew. He'd miss her too.

"Take care Liv."

"You too El."

...

 **November 2011**

It was business as usual. Work was hectic and days turned into weeks and before she knew it, the holidays were approaching. Olivia was trying to date every once in a while but didn't have much luck. She told Nick about one of her failures the next morning.

"So he doesn't share food, he split the check and we missed the entire opening number."

"So ... receding hair, academic, checkered shirt?" Nick guessed.

Olivia laughed.

"D. All of the above," she grinned. "You're good."

"It's what I do."

She was beginning to appreciate Nick as her new partner. He was dedicated but she noticed after a while that he had yet another thing in common with Elliot: his marriage was shaky. His wife was deployed in Iraq and was there more than she was home. He didn't talk much about Maria but she could feel the tension there. He even began to wonder if she had been seeing another man in Iraq when they tried to help Captain Jason Harris to find his fourteen year-old daughter. The Captain had been deployed with Maria and had just gotten back when his daughter had called him in a panic. Maria had told him about Nick's transfer to special victims so he went to find him there.

The daughter turned out to be the victim of a lover boy and Olivia wanted Alex to go after the johns as well as the pimp. But then one of them turned out to be a famous former football player with a brain disease. It reminded her of the case of the gay football player she and Elliot had once solved. She called him that evening and they talked for a while.

"El, I pushed Alex to go after the johns and we got all of them through a sting operation. If I hadn't pushed it, this wouldn't be all over the news right now. I really feel for his wife. I believe her and I don't think he's responsible for his actions."

Elliot understood and listened to her while she talked about the case, making up her mind while she was talking. It was enough just to have someone to listen to her and even with thousands of miles between them, Elliot was still that someone. He listened without judging her and let her figure things out on her own. He laughed when she finally realized she had been doing all the talking so far.

"That's okay Liv. I remember how it works. I'm just glad I can help, even when I'm all the way out here."

She finally asked how he was doing and listened while he told her about Eli who was going to school now in Santa Cruz, about Kathy who was very happy in her new job as an assistant at a local doctor's office, and about his new job as a fitness instructor. She had a clear visual of Elliot's toned body and took a deep breath. He was keeping in shape and was probably getting a nice tan too. She tried to shake off the images of Elliot on the beach in his swim trunks and quickly dismissed the idea of coming over there for the holidays when Elliot suggested it.

"I have my life here El," she told him, although she wondered if she actually had a life at all. She had no plans for the holidays and would probably just be working. But she needed to find a way to do things without Elliot and she was determined to at least try.

"Alright Liv, just be safe," he told her before they ended the call.

...

 **January 2012**

As she had expected, her holidays were quite uneventful. She got a few texts after midnight from acquaintances wishing her a happy new year, but she spent the night alone in her apartment. She was used to it but still hoped that one day things would be different. She wasn't getting any younger and she knew her job usually got in the way of her pitiful attempts at having relationships. And then she met David.

Executive ADA David Haden was taking a personal interest in one of their cases. Captain Cragen and the squad watched their step with him at first, worried that he might just have been assigned the case to protect the image of a high profile figure. They soon found out he was one of the good guys. Olivia was pleasantly surprised by the way the EADA was moving forward, getting his foot in the door to investigate an overseas gang rape. The rape was probably the motive for the molestation of a CEO of an overseas company that they had been investigating and David wanted to get to the bottom of it. He asked her and Nick to join him for a visit to the US attorney's office.

The official that they spoke with told them,

"I appreciate your concern, but the US government has to look at the bigger picture."

"You mean now that we're privatizing war, these companies are above the law?" David countered.

Olivia watched him and could tell he wasn't going to let it go easily. She liked it. Once they got outside, David had an idea. Maybe these companies weren't as untouchable as they thought they were.

"Rand's headquarters are in New York, right? If we can prove there's been a cover-up of the rape directed from here, we'd have jurisdiction."

"What would you need from us?" Olivia asked.

"How 'bout a real investigation? Let's start with the rape kit."

They pursued the case and Olivia was actually enjoying it. It had been a long time since she had felt anything remotely like this. And when David asked her to have a drink together after two days, she accepted.

"I have to admit, we were not sure about you at first," she told him once they were seated in their booth at the restaurant.

"You can trust me. I'm an attorney," David joked, and they both smiled.

"A little secret," she shared. "I can be a little testy when I work with new people."

David was interesting but he was new. She wasn't entirely used to him yet.

"I can be somewhat testy around my kids," David told her, opening the door to a somewhat more personal conversation. _He has a family. Naturally._

"You have kids?"

"Boy and a girl. They both live with my ex-wife in Cobble Hill. You?" David asked, taking a sip from his beer.

Olivia hesitated.

"Me ..."

What could she possibly tell him? I still cry at night sometimes because my partner resigned and moved away? Aside from him, I've never had a meaningful relationship in my life? I'm scared to give my heart to anyone because they always leave me? That was just pathetic.

"Ah ... I'm just getting over something."

It was true, to an extent.

"Isn't everyone," David sighed.

They were silent for a few seconds and Olivia could tell he was pondering something. Then he asked,

"Can you stay for another round?"

He liked her. That's what he was telling her. She liked him too but she wasn't sure she was ready for ... well, whatever he might want from her.

"You know, ahm why don't we call it a night?" she suggested. "You need a clear head in front of that Grand Jury tomorrow."

She knew she was blowing him off but he wasn't deterred.

"Rain check?"

The look in his eyes was unmistakable and she had to admit she was intrigued. So she kept the door open.

"I'd like that."

...

Elliot sent her a text that evening, asking how things were going, and she couldn't help mentioning the new EADA to him in her reply. After a few texts back and forth, he called her.

"Hey you."

Olivia sat down on her couch and settled in for a nice chat with her best friend.

"Hey yourself. Tell me about this guy. I need to hear your voice to get a read on what you really think of him."

She laughed. That was Elliot. Still reading her all the way from the west coast. She explained the case to him that they were working on, and gave him her first impression of David Haden.

"Took you out for drinks already? Smart guy," Elliot commented.

She asked what that was supposed to mean.

"Liv, you're a beautiful woman, both on the inside as well as the outside. It's about time someone noticed that. This isn't some hick who hit on you at a bar right? David sounds like a stable, honest guy who really wants to see justice served and he understands our line of work. So if he's interested, give him a chance okay? You owe yourself a shot at happiness and I can hear that you're interested in him."

She couldn't believe this was Elliot, telling her to give another man a chance. He used to scare off her dates, not encourage them. He laughed, telling her he wouldn't really be able to scare anyone off long distance anyway. And he knew she would know it if something was off with the man after all. He was just glad she was telling him about it, it meant a lot to him. They talked a while longer and she had to admit she was feeling a little better than a few weeks ago. Maybe she did have a shot at happiness this time.

...

They had a case to solve first and it wasn't going well. Their main witness, a doctor who had performed the rape kit on the victim back in Basra, recanted in front of the Grand Jury. David was pissed and they tried to track down other witnesses for him, while leaning on the recanting doctor some more. When they started making headway again, Rand himself popped up in the squad room and had a brief conversation with David. Olivia was watching with interest to see how he would handle things when Rand all but threatened him.

"Just ask yourself something, counselor. Is this the battle you want? Because war is my business. And business is good. Have a nice evening."

"That was subtle," David said dryly after Rand had left.

"So right about now you're asking yourself, 'what have we gotten ourselves into?'" Olivia remarked. He surprised her when he said with a spark in his eyes,

"Are you kidding? I live for this."

Soon they all found out they were indeed at war. Their gang rape victim was assaulted again, her father was almost killed, their new star witness was found dead in his hotel room and Olivia found her apartment completely tossed when she got home. The next day, Nick's wife was threatened.

Rattling their opponents to make them turn against their own and a few phone taps did the trick though and they managed to solve the case and get the indictment against CEO Rand. Everyone responsible would be punished, including the rapists.

That evening, David cashed in his rain check and they went out for another drink. Olivia had to admit he was great company. Their conversations were light and relaxed and they touched on a few more serious topics as well. She had a good time and was sorry to see the evening end. David had called her a cab and they were heading outside to wait for it.

"Just for the record, I haven't worked that well with anyone in a very long time," Olivia told him once they were outside.

"Well, that makes two of us," he said, standing a bit closer to her. She really didn't want the night to end yet and she had suggested a nightcap before she could think about it.

"Well, I have a 7 AM meeting with the deputy mayor. So ..."

He was saying no but the tone of his voice made it quite clear that he really would like to take things a bit further with her. He was leaning towards her a little and she smiled. She was actually glad that he had refused the nightcap because she really didn't want to go that fast, but she did want to kiss him. So she did. It had been so long since someone had kissed her and it felt good. Short but good. The taxi arrived, honking its horn and they broke apart. Olivia laughed.

"Timing. Well, you know what they say. You can never find a taxi or a police officer when you need one."

David smiled too and opened the cab door for her. She got in and sighed when the cab drove off. And then she smiled. _Give the guy a chance_.

...

 **A/N: I had to put some physical distance between our favorite detectives, otherwise things wouldn't have happened the way they did on the show. This is still plausible, isn't it? Please let me know what you think!**


	3. Opening up

3.

Olivia had been asked to speak at a meeting meant to make people more aware of sex crimes and how abusers operate. It wasn't her favorite pastime but if it helped only a little bit to solve cases or even prevent them, she would do it. She was pleasantly surprised to learn that David Haden wasn't only attending the meeting, but was in fact the next speaker after her. He came walking up the isle just as she left the stage to get her things.

"Terrific speech," he said softly. "Engaging and funny, considering the topic."

"I'd rather be locked in a box with a perp," she replied with a smile. Just then, she noticed that they were announcing David as the next speaker.

"They let anyone speak here," she joked.

"You're staying, right? International sex trafficking. I cut the speech down to three hours."

His charming smile convinced her and she sat down to listen to him.

After the meeting, they walked out together and were engaged in pleasant conversation again right away. He invited her to have dinner with him at a bistro a few blocks uptown, near where he lived. Olivia suddenly wondered about something though.

"I'm actually still on duty. And besides, I'm a cop. You're a DA. Isn't that a conflict of interest waiting to happen?"

"Yeah, you're right. I get it."

He looked so disappointed and walked away, wishing her good night. She almost regretted her words immediately. He was such a nice guy. Why would she just let him walk away? Elliot's words kept ringing in her head. She did deserve a shot at happiness, right?

...

They met up again a few days later, while Olivia was in the middle of a very tense hostage situation. She was trying to talk a 19 year-old boy down who was keeping his girlfriend and her daughter hostage to get his father out of prison. She wasn't pleased at all that David seemed to be siding with the people who just wanted to take the boy down. She continued talking to the other cops and the boy until he allowed her to come in and take care of his injured girlfriend. After she was taken out, Olivia stayed in the apartment all night, knowing her own life was in danger, to protect the little girl and to talk to the boy. They emerged the next morning. She had managed to get both hostages as well as the hostage taker out of the apartment. She was exhausted but immensely relieved that nobody had been killed.

David was there again.

"They had a clear shot," he told her. "You stepped into the line of fire."

Olivia glanced at Cragen and Nick, who walked away to give them some privacy.

"He didn't have to die," she told David.

"He didn't, thanks to you." She could tell he was impressed. "They say, uh, you got through to the kid. What'd you tell him?" he asked.

"The truth."

All she had done was tell the boy the truth. That his father had abused his sister and several other women. The boy had snapped, wanting to die because surely, with a father like that, he couldn't be anything but a monster too. Olivia had convinced him that he didn't have to be like his father. Just like she was nothing like hers. They left the scene together but she knew David didn't get it. There was only one person who'd really get it.

...

"I'm proud of you Liv. You used to think you had bad blood too, remember? I'm glad you see now that you're nothing like your father. If that's even what you can call him."

She laughed. Right. The man was just a sperm donor. Elliot always knew exactly what to say. They talked some more, mostly about her and the job, and the tension of the whole hostage situation gradually left her. They didn't speak very regularly, not even weekly anymore, but she always felt better after talking with Elliot. He was still her best friend and the one person she wanted to talk to whenever something good or bad happened. It was a relief that he was still only a phone call away.

"So. Back to David. He still in the picture?"

Olivia smiled. She wondered if Elliot was really okay with her dating again. He used to think nobody was good enough for her. David had asked her out to dinner again and she had said yes. Elliot told her to have a good time and she only heard a very small hint of resistance in his voice. She decided not to call him on it and simply said thanks.

"I'll let you know how it went, okay?" she offered.

"Only if you want to Liv. It's your life."

She wasn't sure if she was happy with those words or not and she suddenly felt the many miles between them again.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

After joining the fitness club as a member, Elliot had soon been spotted by the management. They were looking for someone experienced to help new members in the powerlifting section. He got a crash course on the basics about the human body but his personal experience with the equipment was what made them hire him. He had to make sure new members didn't try to go too fast and try to work with weights that were too heavy. He was a good example of what they could achieve by working hard and sticking to the program.

Kathy had landed a job as an assistant to a local family doctor after a few weeks and he could see how happy it made her to be working again. Eli would start school right after his 4th birthday in November and Kathy finally had time to do things for herself again. She felt better in the warmer climate as well and Elliot was happy for her. After two decades of only caring for others, this was finally her time. When they came home, she would talk about her day and he could see a light in her eyes that he hadn't seen for a long time. It was almost as if she was coming back to life again. He would just sit back and listen to her and he was beginning to understand more and more that she had never been really happy as a housewife and a mother back in New York. Kathy was an intelligent woman but she had never had a chance to develop and blossom. Just seeing her like this confirmed to him that moving to the west coast had been the right decision. For her anyway.

It didn't really matter to Eli where he lived. School was new for him and he was doing well. He also came home now with happy stories about his day and his new best friend Sam. Sam's father was a police officer and Eli thought that was really cool. His little munchkin was growing up so fast. He'd never even been aware that his dad had been a cop too and now he was telling everyone how 'cool' Sam's dad was. Elliot didn't mind. As long as his boy was happy.

Working in the gym was ... okay. He was staying in shape and was even losing some weight. But he missed his life in New York. Santa Cruz was a nice place and there was more than enough to do and see but it wasn't home to him. Not yet. Maybe he'd get used to it but he still missed his old life. His old job. _Olivia_.

He enjoyed talking to her on the phone and sometimes he would just call to hear her voice. She usually had enough to talk about so he didn't think she'd noticed that he was just calling to listen to her. To peek into her life, that once was so intertwined with his own. She was seeing someone now. He'd heard of the man but he didn't know him personally. He wished he could be there to check him out but he had to trust Olivia's judgment this time. He could tell she liked him and he knew he should let her find happiness for herself. Deep down, he didn't want anyone near her but he had no right to feel that way. As her partner, he had pretended that he had a say in her life, but even then he hadn't. Not really. But Olivia had let him interfere anyway. Almost as if she understood his need to protect her from anyone who might get close enough to hurt her. But it was her life and he didn't want to hold her back.

He was sitting on the porch of their house in the evening sun and shook his head after hanging up with Olivia. Had he really just told her to go out and have a good time with David Haden? That man was so lucky that he was thousands of miles away tonight.

...

 **February 2012, New York City**

Olivia had dinner with David and she agreed to see him again after that. They met for drinks a few times, another dinner, and early February they went to see a silent movie together. They had kissed several times but nothing more intimate than that. They were just getting to know each other better. They hadn't told anyone that they were in fact dating and Olivia was surprised when David put his arm around her after they left the movie theatre.

"What are you doing?" she asked, laughing and looking around, wondering if he was going to make a real move this time and if anyone was noticing them.

"Don't worry, nobody we work with could sit through two hours of black and white, no talking," he assured her, still a little grumpy about the boring movie.

"I think I'm a little confused by the rules." she admitted. She wasn't sure what they were to each other at this point.

"Well, officially, if this works we just need to disclose our involvement," David stated matter-of-factly.

Olivia didn't know if she was ready for that and David suggested just taking some time, taking the pressure off.

"Sounds good," she admitted. She really liked his company but was still afraid of making things 'official'. But he was treating her with respect, as an equal and not a conquest. So when he asked if she wanted to go get a bit to eat, she suggested going to her place and order takeout. She knew she was taking a risk but he might be worth it.

She laughed heartily when he told her in a very sexy voice,

"I like it. A lot."

...

Olivia was going through the menu's of the various restaurants she had ordered takeout from before and David was standing next to her in the kitchen.

"See anything you like?" she asked him, referring to the menu's. But David wasn't looking at the menu's when he told her,

"Yeah, I do."

He put an arm around her and pulled her close to him. She didn't pull away but asked him,

"Is that what you meant by taking it slow and taking the pressure off?"

He was clearly making his move and she didn't know if she was ready to take things any further with him.

"What's wrong?" David asked.

She assured him nothing was wrong but she couldn't find words to explain to him what she was feeling. She liked him. A lot. He was honest, intelligent, funny, not bad-looking. There wasn't anything wrong with him really and she could see herself starting to care for him. She just didn't want to get hurt. Again.

David tried to reassure her.

"I understand this is really hard for you."

She believed him.

"But whatever it is, I can handle it. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

She'd heard that promise before. Several times. Men had told her they wanted to marry her or that they would always love her. Some had told her they'd always be there for her, _for better or worse_. They had all left her in the end. Even Elliot. But she didn't want to stay alone. She didn't thrive alone. And so she opened herself up once again. Accepting the risk of getting hurt once again.

"Okay," she whispered.

David pulled her close to him again and he kissed her softly. She kissed him back and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around his neck. It felt good to be held and he was so gentle with her. His lips were soft and even when he intensified the kiss, he was still careful with her. They made out in the kitchen for a while, all thoughts about food forgotten. When David pulled her blouse out of her pants slowly, she finally gave in and helped him take it off while she pulled his sweater off him. He started kissing her bare shoulders and she pulled his shirt out of his pants to feel the skin of his back. He mumbled something against her skin and pushed her into the kitchen counter. She had wondered if he would be soft and gentle with her the whole time but fortunately he was a normal man who could only hold back for so long. Olivia was used to being in charge in the bedroom but she wanted to get to know this side of David. To see what he would do if he was left in charge. He didn't disappoint.

They gradually made their way into her bedroom where David showed her that he was as passionate in bed as he was in the court room. She didn't just feel desired but she felt beautiful, safe and loved. They moved and breathed together naturally in a way she had never experienced before and after they had made love, David kissed her face so lovingly that she couldn't stop smiling. She caressed his back while he slid off her and snuggled up to him with a content sigh. She could get used to this. She really could.

...

 **Sorry, no more bedroom details for this particular couple right now - maybe later, but I find it very difficult to write (or even imagine) the details with 'another man' ... Please review!**


	4. Making it work

**To those who find it difficult to see Olivia with another man: I know ... But this is what we saw, right? And there is more to come. If you've read my other stories, you know I'm usually into the (realistic) "slowly but surely" story lines. So for now, we have David - who in my opinion really is a very nice guy. There will be something for the _Livid_ shippers as well as the _Bensidy_ shippers, since I will follow the actual show for a while. I promise it will also stay interesting for all of us _E/O_ shippers so stay tuned!**

 **Now, on with the story.**

4.

He was still there.

Olivia looked at the man next to her. It was only 5 AM but she was wide awake. They hadn't even discussed whether or not he'd stay the night. He was lying on his back, sleeping peacefully, and Olivia was lying on her side, one arm tucked under her pillow while she reached out to touch his shoulder and chest with her other hand.

His skin was smooth and she remembered how her hands had drifted across his back and chest the night before. David had certainly satisfied her physical needs but there was a softness about him that she would have to get used to. She was usually more attracted to tall men with a muscular build. Men who could take her on and maybe end up on top, literally and figuratively.

But David was strong in a different way. She had seen it when he faced Rand and wasn't deterred when Rand had threatened him. He'd welcomed the fight in stead. And seeing him work in the court room was exciting to say the least. He wasn't chasing perps in the streets or slapping handcuffs on them, but he did make sure they'd pay the price for their crimes once they were caught. They were on the same team.

Olivia slipped out of bed to go to the bathroom. She put on a t-shirt that she often slept in and closed the bathroom door softly. After using the toilet, she decided to brush her teeth and grinned at herself in the mirror. David was in for a rude awakening. She grabbed a roll of mints from the bathroom cabinet and walked back into the bedroom to 'his' side of the bed. He was still asleep when she pulled the covers down and jumped on top of him, straddling him at the waist.

"Whoa! What the ... Sheesh!"

"Good morning counselor," Olivia said in a low voice, a sultry smile on her face.

It only took a second for David's shocked expression to fade and be replaced with a broad smile while his hands moved to her thighs immediately.

"Well, good morning to you too, detective."

His voice was still sleepy and Olivia thought it was adorable. He tried to sit up to kiss her but she stopped him, waving the roll of mints in his face.

"Uh uh. Take one of these first."

David leaned back on his elbows and let her pop a mint into his mouth. He was grinning while he sucked on the mint dutifully and Olivia let her hands roam his chest while she waited. She could feel his body responding to her touch and scooted down a little. She wasn't wearing anything under the t- shirt and as soon as David realized that, he swallowed his mint and sat up to crash his lips over hers. She giggled and let him take off her shirt, and she blushed when he stopped to take a good look at her naked form before kissing her again. It was a good morning indeed.

They spent the whole weekend together. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd let a man spend a whole weekend at her apartment. In fact, she didn't think she ever had. She was feeling light and optimistic about the future and didn't want the weekend to end. They both groaned when her phone rang early that Monday morning. It was Cragen and she had to go back to work.

...

The case soon took up all of her time. It went from one missing under-aged prostitute to news papers facilitating them. Olivia wanted to go after the papers printing the under-aged girls' ads and tried to get David to help out. They met at a donut shop that wasn't anywhere near their offices.

"They're facilitating underage sex trafficking," Olivia said. She felt they should be held accountable for that.

"It's gonna be hard enough to get a warrant for their digital subscribers," David replied.

"And that's why I wanna go after them with everything we have. They know what these ads are, they know what they're doing. They're complicit!"

She didn't think David needed convincing but she was getting passionate about the case.

"We could set up a sting," she suggested. "Prove that they know. That's gotta be enough for an injunction, right? Shut the back pages down."

"Not likely. The ads don't explicitly promise sex," David countered. "We can't prove that they benefited materially. The paper hasn't broken any laws."

Now he was being a lawyer and it annoyed her.

"Come on, David, everybody knows what's really going on!"

"Hang on a second. Liv, we can't call in any chits on each other."

 _Damn_. He was right.

"This, us, it only works if I don't get near a case you're working on."

Of course he was right. She had already told him once they were a conflict of interest waiting to happen. And she was getting way too close to that conflict.

He leaned into her a little when he added softly,

"And for the record, detective, I _do_ want this to work."

She smiled and let him kiss her softly. She wanted it to work too. Just then, her phone beeped.

"That's you," David said. "Your Captain again?"

She checked her phone to see who had sent her a text. She had to go.

"It's the missing girl's mother."

...

The case was just getting bigger and bigger. 11 bodies were found buried on the beach at Dead Horse Bay. They were all victims of the same perp. ME Melinda Warner told Olivia and Nick that the bodies were in various stages of decomposition. The most recent body was dead too long to be their missing girl but it was probably another young prostitute that had gone missing around Christmas.

Just when they were leaving the beach, David showed up. He told them he wanted to see for himself what was going on. To have the scene in his head before going after The Downtown Voice. Olivia watched him walk over to the ME and CSU. _Now_ he wanted to go after the news papers.

Melinda's forensic evidence, in the form of ticks on the most recent victim, led them to the county where the kill site should be. They also managed to identify their perp through a former victim who was still alive and currently in the psych ward of a hospital. Olivia was extremely relieved to find the girl they had been looking for still alive in a cabin but unfortunately, her presence was discovered by their perp. Just as he was about to shoot her, Nick shot him in stead. It was Nick's first kill and the shooting would have to be reviewed. Olivia knew it was a good shoot and was grateful. Nick was proving more and more to be a very good partner.

That evening, she got a text from Elliot - his standard _'What's up?'_ to let her know he was available for a chat - and she decided to call him. After Elliot had recounted the latest adventures of Eli, he asked her how she was doing. She explained the case to him and David's reluctant involvement.

"He's right Liv. If you want to avoid any hint of a conflict of interest, you'll have to tread lightly. It's either that or disclose your involvement as soon as possible and accept the consequences."

Olivia sighed.

"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, El. It's a big step."

He understood. The consequences might entail a change in career for one of them and that would make a big deal out of their relationship. Olivia wasn't ready to have a 'big deal' kind of relationship. She didn't know when she'd ever be ready for that but she chose not to share that bit of information with Elliot.

"Why can't it just be simple and _normal_ for once in my life?" she sighed.

Elliot laughed and she asked him why he thought that was funny.

"When has anything ever been simple and normal for you Liv? That just isn't you. I think that deep down, you _want_ things to be complicated."

"No, I think I _attract_ complicated," she countered. "Maybe it's me. I just jinx it every time."

Elliot didn't agree. He did feel that her history had shaped her so it was difficult for her to trust people and to accept that they really cared for her.

"Well El, there is a reason for that. Everyone who has ever claimed to care for me, has eventually left me." _Even you_ , she thought but she knew she didn't have to tell him that. It was one of the things that would remain unspoken between them. The brief silence on the other end of the line told her he knew what she was thinking.

"Is he treating you right Liv?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah ... yeah, he is."

Thinking about her time together with David put a smile on her face and her voice carried her smile all the way to the west coast.

"Good. That's good."

His voice carried some tension all the way to the east coast.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

He could tell she really liked David and he was trying very hard to be happy for her. To support her and help her decide whether or not she was ready to take the next step with him. He knew it would be very difficult for her to give herself completely in a relationship. He knew her so well and always worried that another man might not know her that well, and that another man might not appreciate her the way she deserved. She deserved to be happy. He just didn't know if he trusted anyone _else_ to make her happy in the end.

He had to end his trail of thinking. He was thousands of miles away, building a new life with his wife and their son. Olivia was a grown woman who could take care of herself. He had no business interfering with her life and if he really thought he was the one who should make her happy, he should have done something about it a long time ago. And not move across the country, away from her, with his wife and child.

He didn't want to ask her if she was sleeping with David. He didn't really have to, he knew she was. He could hear it in her voice but he didn't want to think about it. He had no business being jealous of the man. It was her life.

"El?"

He had been silent for a while and Olivia must be wondering why, or if he was even still on the phone.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm still here."

"You alright?"

"Sure. You know, we're coming to New York later this month for the twins' birthday. Maybe I can meet your guy then?"

Olivia laughed and told him she wasn't sure that was such a good idea. He promised not to beat him up, which earned him another hearty laugh from her, but Olivia still didn't think he'd meet David when they were in New York.

"I do hope _we_ can catch up El. How long will you be staying in the city?"

Dick and Elizabeth would turn nineteen on Tuesday, the twenty-first. They would arrive on the nineteenth and leave again on the twenty-third. There should be time to meet each other and he was already looking forward to seeing her again. It had been a long four months.

...

 **New York City**

Olivia had taken a shower and was getting ready to go to bed when there was a knock on her door. She knew who it was and smiled. They would have to talk about the case but she really hoped he wouldn't shut them down. After all, he had said he wanted it to work between them.

David smiled shyly when she opened the door, taking in her pajama pants and tank top. He seemed relieved when she stepped aside to let him in.

"You were turning in early?" he asked as she closed the door.

"Yeah. It's been a long few days."

"Are you up for some company?"

She smiled.

"I'm really tired David."

He put his hands on her shoulders and rubbed her tense muscles gently.

"I get that. But I also know you were almost killed today and I just had to see you. Be with you. No ulterior motives, I promise."

She couldn't deny that the prospect of sleeping in his arms was appealing and she nodded.

"Okay, you can stay," she said softly.

She got into bed and listened to the sounds coming from her bathroom while David got ready to join her, and she suddenly felt like she could cry. She was so fed up with being alone, especially after a heavy case. She had always been alone and had been used to it but it was getting old. _She_ was getting old, she thought, blowing out a breath while trying to hold back her tears. She didn't want David to see her on the brink of tears, but suddenly she couldn't wait for him to join her. She turned on her side, facing away from the bathroom door when she heard him come out. He snuggled up behind her and she leaned into his chest. He kissed her cheek and neck softly and Olivia suppressed a sob.

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight David."

"Thanks for letting me stay."

"I'm glad you came over."

...


	5. Family and friends

**Dear all, reviews are currently (Jan. 2016) not showing on the site but the writers do receive them via e-mail so please keep on reviewing! I hope things will be fixed soon but if not, just know that your reviews are always appreciated :)**

5.

"Liv, it's me. Listen, I know this business with your brother is upsetting for you, so I thought maybe we could get together tonight. You know, get your mind off things?"

Olivia smiled. He was so thoughtful. But she had different plans tonight.

"David, as tempting as that sounds, I actually have plans tonight."

There was a brief silence at the other end of the line and she grinned.

"Plans huh? Should I be worried?"

She laughed. Men were so predictable.

"Of course not. Some friends of mine are in the city because of their kids' birthday. I haven't seen them in months so we're just going to catch up."

She didn't know why she didn't just tell him who she was meeting. She was keeping it vague and she knew she was doing it intentionally. Maybe she had been used to Elliot's jealousy for so long that she simply expected it from every man? David was reassured though and told her to have fun.

"Maybe if it's not too late, I can come over afterwards?"

"Mmmm. I like the way you think, detective."

Olivia smiled as they ended the call. He really was such a sweet man. But she couldn't wait to see the other man in her life either.

...

"Simon? Well, that's a blast from the past."

Olivia nodded. She and Elliot were seated in a booth in the back of the café where they had had most of their talks before he moved to Santa Cruz.

"Yeah. He only remembers he has a sister when he's in trouble."

"So, what is it this time?"

She had really been looking forward to seeing Elliot again after four months but the troubles with Simon seemed to overshadow their little reunion.

"He has a daughter and a stepson. He plans to get married in June."

"Wow. Looks like your family is getting bigger. Have you seen your niece yet?"

"Yeah, I just saw her this afternoon after Simon's trial. She's one. They named her after me."

"Trial? Liv, back up. Why did Simon contact you? What kind of trouble is he in?"

She explained briefly to Elliot what had happened and why the kids had been taken away by Childrens' Services, and that she had asked Bayard Ellis to represent Simon and Tracy in court.

"So he thinks it's a racial thing, because Tracy is black?"

"Yeah. And I agree with him. I just hope Simon will lay low until Ellis gets this sorted out. He'll get the kids back, I'm sure of it."

Elliot nodded and Olivia finally took the time to really look at him. He looked good, with a nice tan that made his blue eyes seem even brighter than before. He smiled at her, noticing that she was taking him in and she averted her eyes.

"So how have you been?" she asked. "Happy to be back in the Big Apple?"

"Sure. It was great seeing all the kids again. The twins are having their own parties with their friends this weekend so yesterday was just a family thing. It was nice."

Elliot kept looking down at his glass, that he was turning around between his hands, and Olivia wondered if there was something else on his mind. Before she could ask him about it, he looked up at her and asked,

"You and David still okay?"

They had not spoken to each other again after the case of the missing under-aged prostitute, aside from setting up this meeting at the café. She had been so preoccupied with her brother's trouble, that Elliot couldn't help wondering if maybe her relationship was already over again.

As soon as he saw a smile spread across her face, he knew it wasn't. Her eyes were smiling too and her voice was unusually soft when she said they were very much okay. He swore she was even blushing a bit and he took a quick swig of his diet coke. _Be happy for her_ , he instructed himself.

"Good. That's good," he managed to say.

Olivia laughed and seemed much more relaxed now that they had changed the subject of their conversation.

"What, no cocky comment this time?" she asked with a grin.

She was giving him a look that might have been construed as flirty under different circumstances. But she was taken and he needed to butt out.

"As long as you're happy Liv," he managed to say, looking back down at his glass, which was now empty.

"Thanks El. That means a lot, coming from you."

It really did. She was finally managing to have a life of her own, without Elliot, but it still meant something to her that he was okay with it. She hoped she would be able to introduce them in a while so Elliot could see for himself that David really was one of the good guys.

"As long as he makes you happy, I'm happy," Elliot repeated.

It wasn't a complete lie. He really did want her to be happy. It's what you do when you love someone, right? It's about _their_ happiness, not your own. Usually, he didn't ponder on these things too long. He had made his choice. He moved away with Kathy. Did the responsible thing. And as a friend, he wanted Olivia to find happiness for herself. He hoped they could remain friends but now that she was starting to build a life with another man, it was a blessing in disguise that he was living so far away. He didn't know what he'd do if he saw her be happy with this man on a daily basis. He had no right to be jealous. He had never had the right, but now more than ever he needed to give her space to make her own choices. He looked at Olivia again, finding her watching him with curiosity.

"What on earth are you thinking about?" she asked, sounding slightly worried.

His face must have shown his discomfort despite his words.

"Oh nothing," he lied. "I just thought of something one of my clients at the gym told me the other day."

"And what was that?"

She was so relaxed that he cursed himself for possibly making the moment tense between them. She was happy and he didn't want to ruin that for her. He had indeed been reminded of something a young woman had told him the other day but he hesitated, wondering if it wasn't completely inappropriate to tell her about it now. But he had to say something.

"Uhm ... she ... she had just been dumped by her boyfriend and she was hurt. But she said she just wanted him to be happy, with or without her."

Olivia nodded, sensing her heart rate pick up slightly. She knew exactly what that felt like. Letting someone go so they will be happy. She'd done it herself and she had convinced herself it was for the best. Had Elliot just told her he had felt the same thing? She shook the thoughts from her mind. She really was happy with David now. She felt good when she was with him. She cared about him and he cared about her. It was worth taking a shot at a long term relationship with him and Elliot was returning to Santa Cruz the next day. With his wife.

"You want another round?" she asked him, deliberately changing the subject.

She was relieved when he said yes, and they talked some more about Elliot's new life in Santa Cruz. He told her Kathy was very happy and was much more relaxed now than before. She laughed more too. Olivia could imagine that was nice to see. And Eli was doing great too.

"And you?" she asked.

Elliot's smile faded and he looked down again before answering. Olivia wondered if maybe he wasn't as happy as he should be.

"To be honest, I do miss my job," he admitted. "Working out is nice but it doesn't mean anything. I've been talking to some cops over there and I've started seeing someone."

Olivia was very surprised.

"You're seeing a shrink?"

He looked up again and grinned.

"Yeah ... who would have thought, right? But I have to if I want a shot at a new job in law enforcement."

"And? How is that going? Elliot Stabler talking about his innermost feelings?"

She laughed when she said it but she would love to be a fly on the wall during his sessions.

Elliot wiggled his head before replying.

"I ... think I'm actually getting somewhere."

"Good for you El."

After another hour of pleasant conversation and a few comfortable silences, they decided to call it a night. Elliot had no idea when he'd be back in the city. Kathleen had mentioned coming to California for her birthday in July so it might not be until September. They hugged and Elliot held her tight for a moment. This never got any easier. He missed her. More than he cared to admit. As they broke apart, he thought he saw tears in her eyes as well and wanted to hold her close again. But he shouldn't, so he didn't. She wasn't his to hold.

He saw her check her watch and asked if she was going to see David. She smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, I am."

He didn't miss the softness in her voice and the way her eyes lit up each time she spoke of him. He leaned in quickly and gave her a peck on the cheek, and before walking off he told her,

"Be happy Liv."

...

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. You came."

She walked into David's apartment and into his open arms.

"Of course I came," she said softly as they held each other for a moment.

She took off her coat while David poured her a glass of red wine. She settled in next to him on his brown leather couch, kicking off her shoes and pulling her legs up under her, and sighed contently.

"So, your reunion went well?" David asked. "Who are these friends anyway?"

Olivia didn't want to hide things from David so she told him it was her former partner.

"Your partner? Stabler?"

Olivia nodded, registering his surprise. He was quiet for a while and then asked her,

"You were partners for years right? You must have gotten close over time."

She knew what he was asking her and again, she had to be honest.

"Yes, we became close friends. But nothing more, in case you were wondering. He's married."

David nodded and she could see the wheels turning in his head.

"And if he hadn't been?"

She took another sip of wine and then set the glass down. She turned towards him and put a hand against his cheek.

"He was, David. He still is. I don't play 'what if' games. I choose to look at what is. And right now, I'm looking at you."

He smiled and they both leaned in for a kiss, that soon became very intense.

"So ..." he breathed against her mouth, "when I do this ..."

He kissed her again.

"You don't think of him?"

"No ..."

 _What was he doing?_

"And when I do this ..."

He let his hand slide down her body until he cupped her breast.

"You don't think of him?"

"No ..."

"Or when I do this ..."

He kissed her neck softly and he pulled her close to him with one arm, moving his other hand up her thigh. Olivia moaned softly and closed her eyes. As soon as she closed her eyes though, she saw Elliot's face. She opened her eyes quickly. Why did David have to put those thoughts in her head? He kissed her passionately again and her eyes slipped shut again. What if Elliot was kissing her now ...

She opened her eyes again and pulled away from the kiss to look at his face. This was David, who she was involved with. Who she was about to make love to, hopefully more than once. David grinned at her, probably interpreting her confusion as desire, and she smiled at him. He was so sweet. He moved in for another kiss and she let herself sink back onto the couch. David moved over her, his hands finding the hem of her shirt while she unbuttoned his. She closed her eyes when his warm hands started caressing her bare skin under her shirt and sighed. She thought of Elliot's big hands and swallowed. David kissed her and as their tongues met, she thought of Elliot's mouth on her.

She forced herself to open her eyes and keep them open. She managed to keep looking at David while they gradually shed their clothes and moved to his bedroom. David was an attentive lover and she enjoyed being with him. He made her feel safe and she gave her body to him without reserves. Finally, as they gradually headed for a climax, her eyes slipped shut again. Immediately thoughts of Elliot rocking into her popped into her head and she moaned loudly as intense surges of ecstasy shot through her body. She tried to open her eyes again but couldn't and just held on to David, her fingernails digging into his back as she came crashing down. David soon followed and he was grinning widely after he had collapsed beside her.

"Wow ..." he sighed. "You proved your point, detective."

She felt a pang of guilt, knowing that thoughts of Elliot had intensified her lovemaking with David. He had put the idea in her head himself and she had tried to block it out, but she still felt guilty about it. She smiled at David though and caressed his cheek while snuggling up to him.

"You make a pretty good point yourself, counselor."

They both laughed and Olivia felt good. They were good. She was happy.

...

Elliot was lying on his back in the hotel bed. Kathy was sleeping next to him, after Eli had finally settled down for the night. He had been running a slight fever, which was why Kathy had stayed with him at the hotel while he went out to 'see the guys'. He hadn't seen the guys, just Olivia, and his thoughts drifted to his former partner again. She probably was with David and he didn't want to think about what they were doing. He had seen for himself now that she really cared about this man and that she was happy with him. Still, he didn't want to leave. There was nothing for him in Santa Cruz. Kathy was thriving there but he wasn't and he didn't know what to do about it.

His wife wasn't totally against him applying for a job with the police again but she wasn't jumping for joy either. She feared that history might start repeating itself, although she did have more of a life of her own now and only one child to care for on a daily basis. She would be fine. She was becoming more independent and he was beginning to wonder if she needed him at all these days. They didn't argue a lot anymore but they didn't talk a lot either. He did spend more time with his son now and that was worth a lot. They were going back tomorrow. He was going back for Eli. He sighed and turned on his side. If it wasn't for Eli, he wouldn't want to go back at all.

...


	6. Shutting down

6.

 **March 2012, Santa Cruz CA**

"El, do you remember the Peña case? That rape where the victim was partially blinded with ammonia?"

"Oh yeah, I do. That must be about six, seven years ago now. Why?"

"It was eight years ago and I ... I just found out ..."

Her voice was breaking and Elliot sat up straight. He had been hanging around on the beach with Eli after school since the temperature was around 80 and he checked that Eli was still happily digging a hole before giving his full attention to Olivia on the phone.

"Liv, what? What's wrong?"

He heard her take a deep breath and knew it must be bad.

"He didn't do it. Peña didn't do it. I forced him to make a f... a false confession!"

She was almost whispering now and he could feel her pain. He wished he was there with her now. But he didn't understand. Why would Peña have made a false confession?

"To get _me_ off his back El!"

She had found her voice again and was almost shouting now. He didn't know what to say to calm her down.

"Liv, I'm sure you will be able to set this right. How did you find out anyway?"

She told him about the new case with the exact same MO and the scarf that had been logged as green while it was red in the 2004 case. And then she explained that she and David would get in trouble over this case. She had assured David just a few days earlier that they had a solid confession. Now she would have to tell him they didn't. And to top things off, Bayard Ellis had taken Omar Peña's case and they were pushing for re-testing of the 2004 DNA evidence.

He could tell she was getting very emotional. Things had been going so well for her and David but they still hadn't disclosed their relationship. He couldn't blame her for fearing that things were about to blow up in their faces.

"Liv, you are a very good and honest cop and you're stepping forward, admitting to the mistakes that were made. Surely you and David can get past this?"

Olivia wasn't so sure. It wasn't just about them. It was about the entire NYPD and the DA's office.

"This thing is bigger than David and me El and I ... I'm scared."

"Do you want me to come to New York?"

The words had left his mouth before he even realized it. It felt so natural for him to want to rush to her side but he was so far away now.

"El, of course not. Don't be silly. Just tell me everything's gonna be fine ... that's all I need right now."

Elliot took a deep breath. He'd do anything to be able to just go over to her place and distract her, reassure her. How could he reassure her now?

"David loves you, right?"

She was silent for a few moments.

"Liv?"

"I think so."

He was going to go with the 'true love conquers all' pitch but if she wasn't even sure the man loved her, what could he say? Now he didn't even dare ask her if she loved him, too.

"Well, if he loves you, you'll both get through this together, regardless of the consequences okay? And he'd be a fool not to love you."

She was still silent but he could practically hear her smile now.

"Thank you for that El," she said quietly. "Maybe I should be the one to quit. I just keep wondering, have there been more? Have I put away innocent people because I pressed them too hard? Maybe I shouldn't be in this line of work at all ..."

She couldn't start doubting everything she had accomplished, so he told her to stop it.

"Liv, just remember all the victim's you've helped over the years and how many cases we've had with overwhelming evidence against the perps. It didn't always hinge solely on a confession. You know that."

They talked for a while and he did his best to encourage Olivia, to make her see that she really was fit for her job but when they ended the call, he wasn't convinced that he had succeeded. If only he could have been there to help her through this. He would call her again soon to hear how things had gone.

...

 **New York City**

"The officer was color blind. Are you kidding me? How did he get on the force?"

David was pissed off and he had every right to be.

"He was fine when he came out of the academy," Olivia explained, "but by 2004, he had early stage MS. And one of the symptoms ..."

"Color blindness," David interrupted, laughing. "So he logs in a red scarf as green? Anything that can go wrong ..."

"I must have mentioned that detail to him, and then hours later, he repeated it back to me."

Olivia was more than frustrated with the whole situation and was getting emotional. And now they were hashing it out in front of her Captain, who she had accompanied to David's office.

"It could've been a detective who interrogated Pena earlier," Cragen offered.

"Doesn't matter. The confession's no good."

David made eye-contact with her and she knew he didn't blame her. Still, there didn't seem to be a way out of this mess and he had to remain stern and professional in front of her Captain.

"If Peña's confession was compromised, and he's petitioning for a DNA test, he deserves one," Cragen said.

"A couple of days ago, your detective assured me that I had a good confession." David said to her Captain, pointing at her. He was just as frustrated as she was. "I took her word on that! We're all out on a limb here."

"People make mistakes. Detective Benson has stepped forward."

The Captain defended her fervently.

"I am not arguing character," David assured them while Olivia kept pacing behind Cragen. "This is about perception. Ellis is gonna turn this into an indictment of both of our offices."

Olivia offered to go talk to Ellis and tell him that it was entirely her mistake. Ellis knew her and knew that she would never do something like this intentionally.

"Don't bare your neck to a wolf," David sighed. "Just tell him that the DA's office will move to get the DNA test approved."

He didn't even look at her and Cragen tapped her arm, signaling her to follow him out. She left David's office with a very heavy heart.

...

After visiting Peña in prison with Ellis, Olivia really needed to see David again and went to his apartment. He wrapped his arms around her and assured her that he believed her. She would never willingly get a false confession because she would always want to see the real perpetrator punished. But it wasn't about what he believed.

"No, I know. It's about perception. And David ..."

She held on to him but moved away a little so she could look into his eyes.

"I think ... I'm afraid that ... we are getting caught in the middle here."

She had tears in her eyes and David leaned his forehead against hers. He sighed, clearly at a loss for words.

"You said to me ... you told me you weren't going anywhere," she reminded him.

Her voice sounded so insecure. She didn't want it to but she felt extremely vulnerable right now.

"I know."

David kissed her forehead and pulled her close to him again. He didn't reassure her. He didn't say he was still not going anywhere. Olivia just wanted to cry. Aside from doubting herself as a police officer, she now doubted his commitment to their relationship as well. Would he really drop her for the sake of appearances? She stiffened in his arms and he didn't respond at all when she moved away from him. She suddenly felt incredibly lonely.

And then Bayard Ellis found out about them and threatened to use it to get Peña out of prison right away. She thought he was her friend but he didn't seem to have any second thoughts about destroying her career and David's in one go. Olivia wanted to disclose their relationship right away but David said it was too late now.

"This comes out now, after I vouched for you? We lose our careers."

The only way to get out of this mess was to find the real rapist. If they didn't, Ellis would have to play his hand. She managed to get Ellis to agree to give her one week to find the rapist but it didn't ease her fears over her relationship with David. They didn't see each other for a few days and she had the feeling he was slipping away from her. She had finally been ready to go public and now he was backing away. She understood his reasoning completely but it still felt like some form of rejection. It wasn't reasonable to think that way, but when had matters of the heart ever been reasonable?

They managed to find the real perp and get Omar Peña out of jail immediately. Olivia was greatly relieved and was almost ready to head out that night to meet David at a restaurant to celebrate, when Cragen gave her some news.

"Liv, I want to give you a heads-up. The DA has decided to start up a Conviction Integrity Unit on past cases."

That didn't seem like a bad idea.

"And they're gonna start by taking a look at sex crimes."

"So two days ago, the DA was content to let Peña rot in prison, and now he wants to play the hero?" Olivia scoffed.

"Welcome to my world," the Captain commented. "By the way, ehm, David Haden will be in charge of the unit."

She felt the blood drain from her face but managed to keep it together in front of Cragen. If he knew something, he wasn't letting on and she quickly left to meet David. He confirmed her worst fear: they were now officially in conflict.

"I'm gonna be looking into cases that you handled," David said, staring ahead with a sad look in his eyes.

"And we never disclosed," she said softly. She was looking at him, searching for clues as to what he really wanted. He seemed defeated, almost resigned, and a feeling of dread seeped into her.

"It's not too late. But that means I'd have to resign."

She could tell he was torn. She wasn't going to force him. She'd retreat unless he was willing to fight for her. It was her way of dealing with things.

"Well, that's ridiculous," she told him. "You can't do that. It's what you live for."

"Says who?"

He was still torn but he still wasn't looking at her either. He wasn't going to fight for her? For them?

"Says you. The first time you walked into our squad room," she reminded him.

"I'd be assigned to your cases. You know, that ... that means we ..."

"I know."

He was officially giving her up for his new job and Olivia wanted to cry.

"Us ... this ... never happened," she concluded, her lips trembling.

David didn't say a word. Nothing. She had never felt more lonely than at that moment. Who had she been kidding? He wasn't going to make any sacrifices for her. Nobody ever made sacrifices for her. She was just an accessory and that was all she was ever going to be - if even that, because she had yet to find someone who would actually stick around.

So she found herself alone once more on her couch, her only company a bottle of red wine. Her phone rang and she glanced at it to see who was calling. Elliot.  
She wasn't going to answer. In the end, she had been just an accessory in his life too. His partner. His friend at best. But he didn't make any sacrifices to keep her in his life either. He had given up nothing, just like David. They had both made promises to her. And they had both broken their promises. For better or worse? Right. Not going anywhere? Sure, unless he could get a big promotion.

She felt bitter and betrayed. After Elliot had called three times, she switched off her phone. She was alone again so she'd better start getting used to it. She sighed and reached for her glass. Her hand was shaking and she had to put the glass down to avoid spilling the wine. A sob escaped her throat and she put her face in her hands. She finally cried. Alone, as always.

...

 **Reviews are showing again, so please don't hold back people! :) I'd love to know what you think of this story so far.**


	7. Benefits

**So ... how many of you wondered about those two wine glasses on Olivia's nightstand when she got Cragen's panic call in the first episode of season 14? And the fact that for once, she wasn't wearing anything in bed? You are about to find out who she was with that night ... :)**

7.

 **April 2012**

They managed to stay away from each other for exactly three weeks. By the beginning of April, Olivia found herself waiting outside David's office around the time he usually called it a night.

She had finally picked up her phone after three days to talk to Elliot, once she was certain she wouldn't burst into tears again just talking about the breakup. Elliot had been kind and understanding but when she told him nobody would ever give anything up to be with her, he had fallen silent. She hadn't meant to hurt him, but in the end he did fall into the same category as all the other men in her life. Well, aside from the fact that they had never actually been 'involved' with each other. She hadn't made that distinction though, and he hadn't called her on it. He didn't defend himself either. He just told her he was sorry and that he never meant to hurt her. It didn't help much, just a little.

And now she was here again, hoping to see David. How desperate could a person be for some intimacy? The cases had been tough and she was tired. Tired and lonely. She just wanted to feel something, anything other than the horrors she faced on the job every day. She wanted a warm body to hold on to and she was done with trying to pick someone up for a one night stand. She was nervous though. She had no idea how he'd react.

His new unit had visited the station a few times, investigating old cases, but David had always sent in others. She wondered if he was avoiding her. And she wanted to tell him there was no need. When she saw him coming out of the building, his coat open and his tie flapping in the breeze, she suddenly realized that he might already be seeing someone else. She wanted to turn around quickly before he spotted her but it was too late.

"Olivia? What are you doing here?"

He was smiling as he approached her and she tried to shake off her nerves, smiling back at him.

"Hi David, I ... I just wanted to see you. See how you're doing. I hope you don't mind?"

She wasn't the humble type but she was feeling a bit insecure as to why she was there. She knew what she wanted though and decided she didn't have anything to lose.

David seemed genuinely happy to see her and she asked if he had time to grab a bite to eat. She wasn't hungry - at least not for food - but she needed to make sure he didn't have other plans, with someone else. He told her he had time, but he wondered if it was a good idea to do things together.

"Why?" she asked boldly. "Are you seeing someone else already?"

"Oh no!" he said quickly. " No, that's not it. I just ... Well, I don't know what it might lead to and we agreed ..."

He was nervous. He was nervous because of her and for Olivia it was a turn-on. She felt like she was now in control, and that was exactly what she wanted.

"I know we agreed that we couldn't be in a real relationship David. But would it be so bad if dinner led to something, just this once?"

There. She said it. David's mouth was flapping but no sound came out. He had received her message loud and clear. While he was speechless, Olivia moved in and put her arms around his waist inside his coat. She pouted her lips and said softly,

"Or don't you find me attractive anymore?"

David found his voice then and told her he still found her extremely attractive. He just never expected her to suggest what she had just suggested.

"Neither did I David. I don't usually throw myself at my former lovers. It's just ... I've been lonely and you were always so good for me. And _with_ me, too."

She grinned at her last comment and David finally smiled as well. He still didn't know what to think though, so she assured him there were no strings and she wouldn't start stalking him. David leaned in then and said softly, close to her ear,

"How could I ever resist you?"

They skipped dinner and went straight to his apartment. Her heart was beating fast as they entered his building and walked up to his floor. They didn't speak. Once they were inside, he helped her out of her coat and hung both their coats on the rack. He turned to face her and Olivia decided that no prelude was necessary. She kicked off her shoes and started unbuttoning her blouse. David followed suit and took off his shoes and tie. His jacket and dress shirt were next while Olivia was already unzipping her slacks.

"Wait," David said suddenly and she froze. Was he changing his mind?

"Just ...wait for me."

She exhaled slowly and stilled her hands where they were. She watched as David finished unbuttoning his shirt and tossed it away, and also reached for his pants. They moved in sync while taking them off and then stepped towards each other.

"Liv," David started, but Olivia silenced him by putting a finger over his soft lips.

"Ssssh, don't say anything. Just let me ... feel."

She knew she sounded needy but now that she'd gotten this far, she didn't care. David took her in his arms and she breathed in his familiar scent. Yes, this was better than a one night stand with a stranger. She kissed his chest and let her hands roam his back, finding her way down his boxers and squeezing his ass lightly. David was caressing her too, moving from her back to the front, to her breasts, squeezing them gently. Yes, she wanted this. He unclasped her bra and tossed it aside, then started walking her backwards to the bedroom.

They weren't making love, they were just having sex. For Olivia there was a big difference. She didn't lose herself in slow kisses but spurred him on, rubbing him until he warned her that he wouldn't hold out much longer. When he checked with his fingers if she was ready for him, she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to wander. She was more than ready. She needed to feel alive and wanted him inside her. She kept her eyes closed as he climbed over her and she made room to receive him. She didn't feel guilty this time about thinking of Elliot and gasped when David pushed into her. She grabbed his ass and pulled him closer, hearing Elliot's laboured breathing in stead of David's. Her body was pumping and she just couldn't stop. Their hips were slamming into each other and she had to focus so she wouldn't scream out his name ... _Elliot_. How she missed him. She tried to stay quiet but couldn't and let out a strangled scream when she came, hard and long. David was right behind her and she kept moving with him until he was also completely satisfied.

They didn't speak, just lay together in each others' arms, their legs tangled and their heads close together. Finally, David spoke.

"I miss you."

Olivia didn't respond. He missed her, but not enough. She closed her eyes, hoping she would be able to get some sleep, the horrors of the day having been pushed away temporarily. He missed her but he didn't love her. They were just using each other and she was okay with that. She turned on her side and David snuggled up behind her.

After a while she started drifting off but David seemed to have other plans. She felt his hand move around her and find its way down her abdomen. His hand dipped lower and she turned on her back, giving him more room for his exploration. Her body started responding to his touch again and she moaned. David grinned and she looked at him.

"As long as you're here ..." he said by way of explanation and she smiled as well. Why not?

They spent the entire night together and Olivia thanked him early the next morning before she headed out to get changed at her own place.

"Don't thank me Liv," he said in his raspy early morning voice that she found so endearing. He had been watching her get dressed, lying back lazily in his bed. "You were amazing. Each time," he added with a grin.

She blew a kiss at him and walked away. She felt better.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

"Could you tell me more about your partner?"

Elliot looked up at his therapist, Dr. Myers. So far, they had discussed his parents and his childhood at length, as well as the decisions he had been forced to make after he got Kathy pregnant at seventeen. And his frustration that a lot of choices had been taken away from him at an early age, all of which had resulted in some serious anger issues. His career had been a subject too but so far, they had not talked about the other people in his life, outside his family.

"What about my partner?" Elliot asked.

"You told me you had a partner for twelve years in New York. He must have been a big part of your life so I'd like to discuss your relationship with him."

"Her."

"Excuse me?"

"Her. My partner is a woman. Olivia."

His therapist was quiet for a few moments and Elliot gathered that he would find it very interesting that he'd been working side by side with a woman for years.

"Alright. Olivia. What was your relationship like?"

Elliot laughed. What was his relationship with Olivia like? There was no way to describe them in just a few words. His therapist was clearly even more interested now and he had to decide exactly how honest he was going to be about Olivia.

"I gather your relationship was ... complex?" Dr. Myers asked.

"Yeah, you could say that," Elliot grinned. "When she joined the unit, a few years after me, I thought she was just another rookie. She proved me wrong very soon. She's dedicated and tough. She can kick some ass and she's as strong as any man on the force. She's one of the guys."

Dr. Myers nodded.

"I see. And how was your relationship complex?"

Elliot told him how they had butted heads about cases countless times, but they would always find each other again. They had developed a deep respect for each other and were comfortable enough around each other not to hold back. Heated arguments would be followed by a few days of silence but they'd both still take a bullet for their partner any day. He finished by telling his therapist that Olivia had tried to put his marriage back together more often than he had. She was just that kind of person.

"Is Olivia married too?"

"No. She's alone."

It saddened him that she was indeed still alone and Dr. Myers picked up on that.

"You still care about her, don't you?"

Elliot nodded.

"How did your wife feel about you working with a woman? You say Olivia cared about your marriage. Was she friends with Kathy?"

Elliot laughed.

"You know, I don't think I'll ever understand the dynamics between women. Kathy was jealous that I spent more time with Liv than I did with her and the kids but when they were together ... Liv had such respect for my marriage and my family that Kathy just couldn't ever get mad at her. Does that make sense to you?"

Dr. Myers smiled and agreed that relationships often had many different dynamics that might not make a lot of sense on the surface. Their hour was up and after jotting down some things on his note pad, he told Elliot that he would like to continue their conversation about Olivia next time. Elliot agreed reluctantly. He still needed to decide how honest he was going to be with Dr. Myers about Olivia, and his true feelings for her.

...

 **May 2012, New York city**

It wasn't supposed to happen again, but it did. Twice actually. They both needed an outlet every once in a while and they were good together. The last time was in the middle of a huge case that had started out with the death of an underaged prostitute. But it soon turned out to be an all-out war between Bart Ganzel and Delia Wilson, two forces to be reckoned with in the escort and prostitution business. These people had clients in the highest places and the case was very sensitive. Olivia hated it when politics interfered with their investigations.

During the investigation, they ran into none other than Brian Cassidy, who had been working undercover for three years as Ganzel's security advisor. Olivia was rattled a bit when Brian told her that in this investigation, which was huge, they had taps on cops, the DA's office, all the way up to David Haden. Brian clearly didn't like David, calling him a self-righteous asshat, and Olivia decided not to comment one way or the other.

She didn't mention it to David the next time they hooked up. They weren't even supposed to be together so she saw no need to bring it up. If he had skeletons in his closet as well, they would come out eventually. David had finally made a personal appearance at the 1-6 about an old case and they spoke briefly by the elevator.

"You free tonight?" he asked softly.

"Yeah. My place, nine thirty?"

"I'll be there."

She had poured two glasses of red wine and handed him one as soon as he had taken off his coat. He looked a little surprised but he accepted the glass.

"We can take them into the bedroom if you're in a hurry," Olivia said with a sly smile.

David took a quick sip and followed her into the bedroom. She had taken a shower after getting home and had not bothered getting dressed again. She took off her robe and climbed into bed with her glass while she watched David get undressed. He joined her and they clunked their glasses together before drinking their wine quietly.

"I can't stay," David told her.

"That's okay."

After finishing his wine, David reached over her to put his glass on the nightstand. She quickly put her glass down as well, and pulled him in for a kiss. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift while David pulled her on top of him. Maybe they shouldn't be doing this but she didn't care right now. Just one more time, she thought.

...

 **A/N: Well, who else could it have been? She wouldn't have taken Brian home with her at this stage and I'd like to think she wasn't into occasional one night stands anymore so ... I think it was David! Do you agree? Or do you feel this friends-with-benefits thing would be OOC for our Olivia? Let me know!**


	8. Exposure

**A lot of case stuff in this chapter, there was no way around it. Enjoy!**

8.

Olivia woke up because her phone was buzzing and she sighed. She looked next to her and saw she was alone. Oh right, he couldn't stay. She reached for her phone on the nightstand blindly and answered it.

"Benson."

"Liv ... it's Don. Please come over here. I don't know what happened but ..."

"Captain?"

Olivia was wide awake in seconds and sat up in bed. She listened to her Captain's panicked voice and knew something was terribly wrong. There was a body in his bed?

"Stay there. Don't touch anything. I'm on my way!"

She jumped out of bed and got dressed, not bothering to tuck in her blouse or checking her hair and makeup. She was in the car in minutes, rushing to Cragen's apartment. He opened the door and she saw the blood on his hands immediately. He quickly led her to his bedroom.

"I called 911. They're on their way. I didn't touch a thing."

"What the hell happened?" Olivia asked.

"I have no idea."

Cragen was very shaken and distraught. She walked over to the bed to look at the body. It was Carissa.

"I woke up. She was dead. Blood everywhere," Cragen told her. "Liv, I don't remember how she got here."

There was a knock on the door, the police had arrived. Olivia told the Captain quickly that he shouldn't say anything without a lawyer. The police immediately ushered Olivia out of the room, telling her this was not her case. Outside, she met Paula Foster from the Public Integrity Unit who also told her that this wasn't an SVU case. In fact, it was _her_ case. Next up was Steven Harris, who had been assigned temporary captain of SVU. This was just about the worst day ever.

However, both Paula Foster and Steven Harris seemed to be on the up-and-up, and they all continued working their Captain's case under the radar. Olivia called Elliot to let him know about the Captain's troubles and subsequent arrest. Elliot couldn't believe how Cragen had been set up and was contemplating coming to New York to visit him in prison.

"I'm sure the Captain would appreciate that El," she told him. "They actually remanded him to solitary confinement."

"You're kidding. The guy wouldn't hurt a fly," Elliot sighed. "I'll talk to Kathy. I'm sure she'll understand I need to be there for Cragen."

...

It was pretty obvious the Captain had been set up.

"Cassidy thinks that Delia's behind it," Olivia told the others.

"That's possible," Nick said, "or it's possible Cassidy's protecting Ganzel."

Olivia had sensed some tension between Nick and Brian before and was wondering if she should be worried about it. Nick didn't know Brian like she and Munch did but Olivia was convinced that Brian was being straight with them. Nick clearly wasn't and she wondered if Nick was maybe a pawn in this game as well.

Delia Wilson was beginning to show her fangs and produced photos of Captain Cragen with several escorts, and they could provide sworn affidavits detailing Cragen's deviant sexual proclivities as they called it, such as choking, restraints and knife playing. It was sickening and complete bull. Olivia appreciated Paula Foster's invitation to the interview with Delia and her lawyer, but was appalled by the way they operated. They talked about the case after the interview and Paula told her in confidence that Brian was _her_ undercover agent. He had been for three years. Brian hadn't said a word about who he was working for but now she knew.

"There is something else that you should know," Paula told her. "David Haden. He came up on the wiretaps."

Brian had mentioned him too but she was worried about how exactly David had come up on the taps.

"We learned you two were involved."

Olivia sighed and sat down. At least he wasn't into escorts.

"Okay," she said, smiling insecurely. "So now what?"

"Well, it leaves you both vulnerable."

Olivia smiled nervously again and rubbed her thighs with her hands.

"Yes."

"Technically, I should report it, but I don't know that that needs to come out."

She was grateful. Clearly, they also knew they had broken off their involvement. Thank God his apartment wasn't wired ... was it?

...

Elliot called her as soon as he had landed at JFK. She told him she was about to visit Cragen and they decided to go together. Olivia picked him up at the airport and they headed straight to Rikers.

"How have you been?" Elliot asked.

Olivia glanced at him but had to stay focused on the late afternoon traffic.

"Busy."

"Right. Always. That's not what I meant."

She smiled warily.

"I know. I'm ... fine."

She wasn't fine. He could tell. Naturally, she'd be upset with this case, the accusations against their Captain. Her Captain. She seemed rattled and she probably knew he wasn't buying her 'I'm fine' routine.

"Let's just ... talk later okay?" she offered, and he agreed.

It was tough to see his former boss like this. Cragen was surprised and pleased to see both of them though.

"Well, look at you two. Still the best team I ever had," Cragen said warmly while shaking Elliot's hand.

"How are you holding up?" Olivia asked him. "We're going to get you out of here."

She had to ask him about the photos with the escorts though and Elliot was beginning to see how deep this case went.

"Captain, you were a mark from the beginning," Olivia said. "They're putting it out there that you're one of Delia's clients. That's not true."

Cragen sighed and looked at both of them while he sat down.

"I have exposure here," he admitted.

Olivia looked at Elliot and back at the older man, and sat down on the table.

"I don't understand."

Then Cragen made a confession. He had indeed been seeing a few escorts, but only for companionship. He had been so lonely and didn't want to date, just have some company. It sounded eerily familiar to Olivia in a way.

"I swear, that's all it was," Cragen said. "A few dates. I slipped. And then I came to my senses."

They believed him and tried to convince him to get in front of this and tell his lawyer, but Cragen didn't see what good that would do. Elliot asked him if there was anything he could do, off the grid, since he was no longer on the force. Cragen couldn't think of anything though and seemed defeated. They left him in prison with heavy hearts.

Olivia wondered if they would be able to rip this enormous cover-up open. The Commissioner had already resigned and a former governor had been murdered. And Carissa. Cragen was just another casualty in the war between Delia Wilson and Bart Ganzel.

"And Brian Cassidy is undercover with this Ganzel?" Elliot asked, disbelief in his voice.

"Yeah. Has been for three years. Why are you so surprised?" Olivia asked while they were driving back into the city.

"Dunno. I guess I didn't think he'd actually amount to anything."

Olivia shook her head, sighing.

"That's uncalled for Elliot. He's a good cop and you know it."

"Yeah yeah."

Maybe his judgment was a little clouded when it came to Cassidy because he'd slept with Olivia in the past, when he was still in SVU. He wasn't sure. All he knew was, he didn't like the guy. He might be a good cop but it seemed to Elliot that he didn't really respect women. Not in the way they deserved to be respected. He'd caught the younger man staring at Olivia on more than one occasion, before and after he had shared her bed, and he was quite certain he hadn't been interested in Olivia, just in her body. For Elliot, it would always be a package deal. The person and the body, never just the body. If he'd been that shallow, he was certain he would have had his way with his gorgeous partner a long time ago. But she deserved better. She deserved the real deal. And as long as he couldn't give her that, she was off limits.

"Have you eaten yet?" Olivia asked, interrupting his thoughts.

"No. Never liked what they serve on planes. I had a sandwich at the airport but that doesn't cut it."

"Where are you staying?"

She looked at him when he didn't answer, and smiled knowingly.

"Wanna pick up some takeout and eat at my place?"

He hoped she would let him stay. He didn't feel like checking into a hotel this late and he didn't know how long he could stay in the city. If they didn't get the Captain out soon, he'd want to visit him again before returning to Santa Cruz.

...

"It's been a long time," Elliot commented as they entered her apartment.

"Sure has. I'm glad you're here El. It's not the same without you," Olivia admitted honestly.

"Well, like Cragen said, we're still the best team he ever had."

Elliot flashed his patented smile at her and her heart skipped a beat. They were referring to more than just their partnership, at least she was. She was getting over David but wondered if there was any way to ever get over Elliot. He'd been so much to her all those years. Maybe too much. Maybe she needed another twelve years to finally separate her life from his again. But he was here now and she wanted it to be like old times. He was dropping their takeout boxes on her coffee table and the familiarity of it all warmed her heart. She took two beers out of the refrigerator and handed him one as they flopped down on the couch.

It _was_ just like old times. Only this time, he didn't have to get home. Kathy knew he'd be staying in Now York for at least one night, possibly two or three before returning home.  
Home. Santa Cruz still didn't feel like home to him. This did. Being here with Olivia, eating and laughing as if they didn't have a care in the world. She tried some serious conversation, asking him about his therapy sessions, but he wasn't going there. She knew how closed off he was so she didn't push him. They watched a rerun of a football game together and drank some more after dinner.

He asked if she was really okay now, after David had broken things off with her. She said she was but he saw a look in her eyes that he couldn't quite place. She was getting up to get them another drink but he stopped her by putting a hand on her arm. Olivia sat back down and looked at him.

"What El?"

"You and David _are_ over, right?"

He wasn't sure why he felt the need to check the facts and when she didn't answer him right away, he realized they hadn't make a clean break after all. She gave him a small smile and admitted that they had hooked up a few times.

"But it doesn't mean anything. It's not going anywhere, it's just ..."

"Sex."

She nodded and blushed, then jumped up to go and get their beers. _Damn_. He knew the man had treated her poorly but he still got to touch her? A familiar feeling came bubbling to the surface. It really was like old times. He didn't want anyone else around her. _Get a grip Stabler_. It was her life and her body and she could do with it what she wanted. Still, he was jealous. No need to deny it. He didn't quite know what to say to her when she sat back down next to him and handed him another beer. He didn't need to say anything. Olivia knew him only too well.

"El, I know you don't approve. But you have to understand, you've never been in this situation. You've never been alone. Maybe you've wanted to be at times, but trust me when I say - it's no fun. Not at all."

She leaned back on the couch and rested her head against the backrest, closing her eyes briefly. He wanted to reach out and touch her face. To let her know she wasn't alone. Only she was. He had nothing to offer her and he'd be leaving again soon. She opened her eyes and turned her head so she was looking at him. He mirorred her position and smiled at her.

"I won't judge you Liv. I just think you deserve better."

"From your lips to Gods ears," Olivia said, making a dramatic gesture with her arms and they both laughed.

"I just wish ..." he started, but he knew he shouldn't finish his sentence. He wished he could give her more. Give her what she deserved. What they both needed.

Olivia turned her upper body towards him and pulled one leg under her, leaning on the backrest of the couch with her arm.

"What El? What do you wish?"

He shook his head.

"Doesn't matter."

"Sure it does. I want to know what you could possibly have left to wish for."

She was smiling, clearly not getting the severity of what he would wish for them.

"Don't clam up on me El. For once, just let it out."

She definitely didn't get it.

"No Liv," he said, standing up abruptly. "And I think we've had enough to drink."

Olivia was a little confused. She had no idea why Elliot was suddenly breaking off their relaxed chattering and was walking over to the window. She got up too and stood next to him. She wanted to put a hand on his back to calm him down - if he needed calming down - but she decided against it. They didn't do that unless it was really necessary. Besides, he was probably a little disgusted with her right now, knowing that she was still hooking up with David. Well, that was over and done now, she had decided. She looked at Elliot's muscular arms, crossed in front of his broad chest and couldn't suppress a small smile. If only he knew what she had been thinking about while she was with David ...

God, why was she still having these thoughts about her married friend? She really needed to get on with her own life. They were friends and she was very happy to see him every now and then, and to find they could still have a good time together. But that was all it was going to be. Late night phone calls from Santa Cruz could never replace the feeling of an actual warm, breathing body in her arms. Besides, even when she was with him every day, his body hadn't been hers to hold. She sighed and Elliot was looking at her now.

They were standing close to each other, but they were both caught up in their own thoughts that they weren't sharing with each other. He was in her apartment but they weren't there together. Not really.

...

 **A/N While I love the follows and the favorites, I'd really like to know what you think! Wanna let me know? Just type something in the review box below!**


	9. Solace

9.

Elliot spent the night on her couch. They hadn't even discussed it. There was no need. Olivia had to head out early though so she told him he probably wouldn't see her the next day. Elliot had planned to see his kids while he was in town, and would check in with her later to hear how Cragen's case was going. He'd like to visit him one more time before he left.

He was still sleeping when Olivia got ready to leave and she glanced at him a few times while she made herself a quick breakfast quietly. They had a good time catching up and just having fun but he would be leaving again soon. How many times could she say goodbye to him? She hoped he'd stay another day. She had a busy day ahead though, and left the apartment without waking him.

Tension was running high between Brian and Nick, and Olivia soon found out that Nick and his wife were temporarily separated. This was a little too much deja vu for one week. More witnesses were being killed off and still the only one being indicted was Cragen. It was frustrating.

Elliot went home at the end of his third day in New York, after visiting Cragen a second time. He had slept at her place but she'd hardly seen him. The case was taking up all of her time. She apologized to Elliot when he called to let her know he got home safely, but he assured her there was no need. He remembered how it worked. The job.

She felt like there weren't getting ahead at all. It was almost as if they were going backwards. Delia was really good and they finally tried to get Ganzel to cooperate after he had found the bugs in his apartment. They needed something to restore Ganzel's faith in Brian. Paula Foster agreed to give Ganzel a pass on the first murder - which was probably Delia anyway - and they managed to catch one of Delia's goons who had once trashed Ganzel's place. Now all they needed was a positive ID from Ganzel so Olivia went to pick him up, accompanied by Brian.

And that's when everything went wrong. Outside Ganzel's place, they stumbled upon two car thieves. Olivia chased one of them while the other one pulled a gun on Brian and Ganzel. Brian pulled his gun too and neither one of them was giving in. When the police arrived they thought they were there to help, but in stead, one of the officers shot Brian in the chest twice, _after_ he had identified himself as a cop on the job.

Olivia was shocked but managed to call the 10-13 in before dropping to Brian's side. She tried to stop the bleeding from his chest but felt a sense of panic gripping her at the site of Brian's limp body. He was trembling, probably from shock and she couldn't do anything to help him. She just held his hand, trying to get a reaction from him. He wasn't unconscious but he wasn't entirely conscious either. The ambulance arrived within minutes and the EMT did the best they could to stabilize Brian. Olivia rode along in the ambulance. She kept talking to Brian, trying to ignore the amount of blood he was losing and the vacant look in his eyes. He had to stay awake, he just had to. He went into cardiac arrest and she wanted to cry. They managed to bring him back but she knew it was critical. She refused to give a statement to IAB about the shooting until she had seen how Brian was doing.

After Brian had been taken to the OR, Olivia ducked into the ladies room to wash her hands. They were covered in blood. Brian's blood. She was shaking and felt confused. What had happened? Why had the officer shot him? And why had she been so desperate when she saw Brian hit the ground? She returned to the waiting area to find Munch and Fin there.

The waiting was the hard part. Olivia admitted to Fin and Munch that she and Brian had had a 'moment' together when he was still working at SVU, and that she hadn't handled it well. All she could think of now was that he just had to be alright. She hadn't realized how much she cared until now and she was pretty certain it had been a prearranged hit, by Ganzel. All they had to do was prove it.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

''Two bullets in the chest? Man, I can't say I like the guy but that's a bit much. So how is he?"

"Doctors aren't making any promises but at least the bullets missed his heart and the main arteries. I'm checking in on him daily."

"Daily huh? Anything you wanna tell me?"

"Please don't start that again El. He's really matured over the years. He's not the same kid he was back then."

"So he's a real man now?"

Elliot just couldn't help himself. He'd never join Brian Cassidy's fan club. Still, the man didn't deserve to die from a police bullet. No cop should. He couldn't believe Cragen was still in prison. He'd been back in California for a week and the poor man was still in solitary confinement. Elliot knew what that could do to a person. He'd experienced it first hand once, when he had requested to be locked up in an attempt to understand one of their perps. It had been hell.

Aside from his worry about his old Captain, he felt uneasy that Brian was apparently back in Olivia's life. On top of that, his therapist started pushing him about Olivia. The man was a professional and no doubt he had sensed there was something there. Something important. He just wouldn't let it go and it was the first time Dr. Myers actually _saw_ a hint of Elliot's anger issues. He barely managed to contain himself and Dr. Myers decided to ask him what exactly was making him angry right now.

"You are!" Elliot shouted, jumping up from his seat. "Sticking your nose into things that are none of your business!"

"Everything we've discussed over the past months is none of my business, Elliot," the man said calmly. "Why is this different for you?"

Elliot took a deep breath and tried to calm down, pacing in the small room for a minute before sitting down again. The man had a point. He had discussed his problems with his father at length with him. And they'd discussed his mother's issues and the impact they had on their family when he was younger, and still now that they were all older. He had told the therapist about his marriage and his children, his difficulties with Kathleen and Dick. Everything. So why would it upset him to talk about Olivia?

Deep down, he knew why. He had always hidden his feelings for Olivia. Tucked them away in a little box inside his heart for nobody to see. Not even Olivia herself. Especially not Olivia herself. His feelings were inappropriate. Saying out loud how he felt about her and putting into words the thoughts he often had about her, would make it all too real. That was why he couldn't talk about it. Not while he was thousands of miles away from her and it had become even more impossible than before to do something about it.

He took another deep breath and tried to steady his voice.

"I just ... don't want to take about it."

Dr. Myers contemplated his words for a minute. Then he told Elliot that he would never force him to talk about anything. Only to consider that it would be beneficial for him to acknowledge whatever feelings he was having, so he could deal with them properly. Elliot knew that but still, he wasn't going to say it. If he ever said it, it would be to Olivia. Not to his therapist or anyone else. Only Olivia.

"You said," Elliot said, as calmly as he could manage, "that putting things into words makes them real. I'm not ready for that."

Dr. Myers nodded.

"What I said was, putting things into words makes them real, so you can face them and deal with them. Don't you want to deal with this matter?"

Elliot leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs and his face in his hands. He scrubbed his hands down his face and looked at his therapist.

"Maybe I will one day, but not today."

Dr. Myers had no choice but to accept his answer.

...

 **New York City**

The unit continued digging and found out that Brian's shooting had indeed been a hit, orchestrated from within the NYPD. The sergeant involved had told the officer that shot him, that Brian was part of a major car ring and that he was armed and dangerous. Shooting him would get her her shield. Brian was finally out of the woods and fully awake, and Olivia went to the hospital to show him a photo of the sergeant.

"Ted Koundak, that schmuck," Brian said, looking at the man's picture. "He used to hang around a little bit, you know. He had a thing for Spanish girls. Are you gonna tell me that he paid that chick to put two bullets in me?"

"Ganzel called in a favor," Olivia told him, unable to sugarcoat the truth for him.

"Ganzel?"

"Yeah."

"But Ganzel paid for these flowers. He paid for this room."

Olivia sat down next to him on the bed, moving his arm into her lap to make some room to sit down. She looked at him. He looked strong and vulnerable at the same time and she realized she was really glad to see him getting better and to hear his voice again. And that he really had matured, as she had told Elliot.

"Cassidy ... Ganzel made you," she told him.

Brian couldn't really blame him. He'd found the stupid bugs.

"You should've told Foster," Olivia said softly, leaning over him and stroking his hair.

"No way. She would've just pulled me in. And then what? I go back to investigating dry cleaner break-ins? I'm like you, Liv."

He tried to move but was clearly in some pain. She wished she could do more for him and felt drawn to him somehow.

"This job's the only thing I got."

He was right. It was the same for her. But she was trying to find a life outside the job. It wasn't working so far but she was determined to keep trying.

"I'm not who I used to be," she told him.

Brian smiled, a knowing, friendly smile. "Sure you are."

She didn't want to be who she used to be, so she told him again,

"No. I'm not."

She leaned in and kissed him, a short, soft kiss. She wasn't sure what had prompted her to kiss him now. He'd never really been her type but she felt something then. He reminded her of a time when things were less complicated and they were so much younger. He was part of her history and she felt like he knew her. Better than most anyway.

"That was nice," Brian said softly, smiling at her.

The look in his eyes was soft and kind and Olivia smiled warmly.

"Something about a man in a hospital bed," she said, still smiling and leaning towards him again.

"Okay, Florence Nightingale," Brian joked.

His eyes lit up when she moved in again and hers slipped shut when she kissed him a second time. He was warm and familiar. Strong and sensitive, in his own way. And most importantly, he was here.

...

With the not entirely voluntary help of Ganzel's own attorney, they got all the proof they needed. Ganzel had been with Carissa to take compromising pictures of her with the Captain. When she told him she was leaving him for Brian, Ganzel had killed Carissa himself. As disturbing as the part about Brian was for Olivia, she was greatly relieved that the Captain was finally cleared of the murder charges. And then he was charged again. All charges against Delia Wilson were dropped in exchange for her cooperation against Cragen. Delia had three of her girls testify at a Grand Jury. Paula Foster was charging the Captain with solicitation, assault, forced sodomy, and use of a deadly weapon.

He was innocent and Paula knew it. Delia was the only one incriminating him and there was something very wrong here. Olivia couldn't put her finger on it but she couldn't just let it go. She realized that everyone has a weakness and wondered about Paula's. Paula had a daughter, Sarah, with a rare condition. Her bones were like glass and she needed constant medial attention and supervision, and lots of physical therapy. Olivia got the team on board and they started their own covert investigation into the finances of the head of the Public Integrity Unit. It was ironic and dangerous, but in the end they got results. All Paula had been doing was protect Delia, in exchange for an off-shore trust fund for her daughter, and cash to cover all the medical bills.

Olivia met Paula in the park, where her daughter was doing walking exercises. Paula admitted that she had been lured in gradually by Delia and her attorney and by the time Cragen was arrested, Delia owned Paula.

"You don't understand," Paula said, pleading with her. "You don't understand what it's like to have a child completely dependent on you. Agonizing about her every single day. Terrified about what's gonna happen to her when you're gone. You can't ever understand that. You're not a mother."

That hurt. Olivia was well aware of the fact that she had no children and she sighed, trying to shake it off.

"I'm sorry about your daughter," she told Paula.

"Are you? Because if you take me down, Sarah's got no one. Did you think about that? Look at her. What do you think is gonna happen to her?"

There was always a cost. But a lot of guilty people were going to walk, and an innocent 30 year NYPD veteran, her Captain, was going to suffer if she didn't do this. She had to. Olivia could never look the other way when confronted with injustice. So she arrested Paula Foster.

...

The news networks were eating it up.

 _"After the arrest of Upper East Side madam Delia Wilson on racketeering and murder charges, the city was stunned today by the arrest of the Attorney General of the State of New York. Charges included promoting prostitution, solicitation, and accepting bribes. Arrested with him was a who's who of city politics: three district attorneys, the head of the DA's Public Integrity Unit, seven members of NYPD's Vice Squad, two state senators, and two deputy mayors."_

Cragen was finally out and Olivia went to the hospital to bring Brian up to speed. He was recuperating well and would probably be released in a few days. He was sitting up in bed and grinned when he saw her coming in.

"Hey Florence, can't stay away can you?"

She smiled and sat on the edge of the bed to tell him about all the people that had been arrested. He admitted that the Attorney General had been one of his targets during his undercover operation but he had never expected Paula to be on the take and just working to protect Delia.

"It's amazing how wrong you can be about people sometimes. Makes me wonder if there's anyone left we _can_ trust," Brian sighed.

"Hey, I brought it out in the open. You can trust me," Olivia said with a grin, putting a hand on his hands, that were resting in his lap.

"I do trust you Liv. I know it's been years but I still feel like I know you. You'd never lie to me."

He grabbed her hand and brought it to his mouth, placing a soft kiss on it. She felt like she knew him, too. When he pulled her towards him, she let him. Why not? She didn't want to be alone anymore and at least with Brian, there would be no complications. He didn't have a family and there was no conflict of interests. They were two people who had always lived for the job and were getting old alone. There was no harm in finding solace with each other. She made sure she didn't come anywhere near his fresh bullet wounds when she kissed him. He groaned when he pulled her in and she wanted to apologize for hurting him but he smiled against her mouth.

"It's okay Liv, it's worth it."

She closed her eyes and relaxed, letting the new feeling wash over her while Brian deepened the kiss. What was this feeling? Peace? Whatever it was, it felt good. New, but good.

...

 **Hey, Livid and E/O shippers, you knew this was coming! What will Elliot say? Please review.**


	10. Here

10.

Nick told Olivia that David Haden had resigned after the arrest of Delia Wilson and the others. She knew David had nothing to do with the case in the end but he probably felt responsible anyway. After all, Paula Foster had reported to him. She expected to hear from him soon but whatever he was going to do next, it would probably be something that would get them 'in conflict' again at some point. And she noticed that she really didn't want him back. He had hurt her by choosing his career over her. They could have been great together but there was no going back.

And then there was Brian. Uncomplicated Brian Cassidy. She had gone to the hospital to pick him up after he'd been released and she smiled when he walked up to her slowly in the hospital corridor.

"Well, you're anxious to get out," she remarked. "Shouldn't you be in one of those hospital wheel chairs?"

"Nah, I'm good Liv. Besides, I have you to lean on, right?"

His wide smile made her smile again and she stood beside him, wrapping her left arm around his waist firmly. He put his right arm around her shoulders and they started walking again.

"See," he said triumphantly. "We don't need anyone else."

They got to Brian's apartment safely and Olivia asked if she should order some food. He'd really like something normal to eat after two weeks in the hospital so she ordered pizza for lunch and checked his fridge after she had made sure Brian was comfortable on the couch.

"Not much in here Bri. It's either orange juice ... no scratch that, it's expired. So it's either water or nothing. You don't have anything in the house?"

He reminded her that he'd been undercover for three years and had spent very little time in his apartment. He'd paid someone to keep it clean for him but that was it. So even the orange juice must have been the maid's, probably for when she took her kid with her to work. Olivia offered to get him some groceries quickly and managed to get back just as the pizza was delivered.

"My God, what did you bring?" Brian asked when he looked at the two bags, bulging with all kinds of items. Het got up slowly from the couch to see what she was putting in his fridge.

"Oh, just a little bit of everything," she said. "I'm just putting away what needs to stay cool, and then we should eat. Don't want that pizza to get cold."

They chatted while they ate, about the Ganzel case, Captain Cragen and the rest of Olivia's unit and about the good old days. Olivia only had one beer because officially, she was still on duty and she would be going back to work after lunch. She offered to check up on him later and he accepted gladly.

"I like having you around Florence," Brian said, tugging at her hand.

She moved closer to him on the couch and told him,

"I like being around, Bri."

"Good. So I guess I'll see you later then?"

She nodded and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Definitely."

...

 **June, 2012**

Brian was healing nicely and Olivia was enjoying hanging out with him. She was staying over at his place regularly and he had forbidden her to sleep on the couch. He would never let a lady sleep on the couch, he told her. In turn, Olivia had forbidden _him_ to sleep on the couch, since he was the patient. So Brian had asked her to share his bed when she was there. They had made out a few times and Olivia had felt an urge to take things further but Brian's physical condition had prevented any serious bedroom activities so far. Even though it had been slightly frustrating, it had been good not to sleep alone. She didn't want to be alone anymore.

One night, her phone beeped around 2 am. Brian woke up and asked her who on earth would be texting her at this hour. Olivia knew who it was. It was only 11 pm in Santa Cruz.

"It's nobody," she mumbled, putting the phone away quickly, but Brian didn't buy it.

"Of course it's not nobody Liv. Just tell me who it is."

She sighed, not in the mood for her first fight with Brian after thirteen years. If Brian had one thing in common with Elliot it was his dislike for the other man. But she had to be honest with him.

"It's Elliot."

Brian sat up in the dark, grunting slightly from the effort.

"Stabler?!"

"Bri, please ..." she started but he interrupted her.

"You mean you're still in touch with that jarhead?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? We're friends."

"Friends, right!" Brian scoffed.

Olivia sat up as well.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You really have to ask? Everyone knows there was something going on between the two of you for years."

Olivia was stunned.

"Well, if everybody knew, I guess they forgot to inform us about it," she said firmly.

Brian sighed and lay back down on his back, resting his head in his right hand. Olivia leaned on one elbow and put her hand on his chest. She wanted to diffuse the tension between them immediately.

"Bri ... do you think I'd be here if there was something going on between me and Elliot? I've been here at least three nights a week. He moved to the west coast with his wife and son. We text and call each other sometimes to stay in touch. We're long distance friends now, that's _it_."

Brian took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, while Olivia rubbed his bare chest gently.

"You never had an affair with him?"

"No."

"And he moved to the other side of the country?"

She smiled even though he couldn't see her in the dark.

"Yeah. And I'm here in bed with you."

Brian moved his arm and his right hand found her face in the dark. He caressed her cheek and then moved his hand to the back of her neck to pull her head towards his. She knew he was smiling too without seeing him. Their lips found each other and they kissed softly.

"I'm sorry Liv," he mumbled against her mouth. "I guess I'm a little sweet on you and that makes me kinda possessive."

She giggled at his choice of words and kissed him again, deepening the kiss as he pulled her even closer. She could tell he was getting stronger again. The physical therapy was really working. She let her hand roam his chest again.

"When will you be cleared for all activities?" she asked, a little out of breath when they finally broke apart.

Brian laughed out loud.

"Soon Liv, soon. I promise. I _really_ want to be cleared for all activities."

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

"Brian Cassidy? Seriously Liv?"

He couldn't believe it. She was with that dumbass _again_? He'd thought making that mistake once had been enough but clearly it hadn't been. What on earth did she see in that man.

"Yes Elliot, and I don't need any crap from you about it. I'm just telling you because it's important to me, and I thought you'd like to know."

He didn't want to hurt her. He really didn't but he found himself clenching his free hand into a fist over and over again, and almost crushing his phone with the other hand. It had been hard enough to hear her talk about David and now she was seeing Brian Cassidy ... He felt slightly sick to his stomach. How could she? How could she not see how totally wrong that guy was for her? How could he make her see?

"I do want to know what goes on in your life Liv. I do, and I appreciate you telling me this but ..."

"But what El?"

He knew she was getting pissed. He didn't want to argue with her over the phone but he needed to make an attempt to get through to her. It was what friends did, right? Keep each other from making big mistakes?

"Liv, I want you to be happy. I do. Do you really think you'll be happy with Cassidy? That you two will grow old together?"

"We're already old El."

He smiled despite the heavy conversation they were having.

"You're not old Liv."

"Well, I'm no spring chicken either Elliot. It's not like I have a lot of options anymore."

That didn't sound very romantic and he knew she realized that the second she'd said it.

"I mean ..."

"I know what you mean Liv. Aside from how I feel about 'him' ... I just don't think he's the love of your life."

Olivia was silent after that. She stayed silent for such a long time that he wondered if they had somehow been disconnected.

"Liv?"

"Elliot," she said then, quietly and gravely. "Are _you_ spending your life with the love of your life?"

Now it was his turn to fall silent. He wasn't. He was talking to the love of his life right now but he was married to someone else. Olivia didn't wait for him to answer. She knew his answer would be 'no'. She knew he'd married Kathy out of obligation. That he had come to love and appreciate her, but she wasn't the love of his life.

"Even so, you're making it work, right? So let me have a shot at it too El. I don't have time anymore to wait around for Mr. Right. What if he never shows up? Should I just stay alone for the rest of my life? Lots of people make it work, so why can't I?"

He knew there was some truth to her words. He just didn't want to hear it. He wanted her to wait for the love of her life and he wanted her to see that it was him. But it wasn't fair to her. How long would she have to wait? He really didn't know. But still ... Cassidy? What did she see in him?

"Maybe you're right Liv but what do you see in him?"

He just had to ask. Olivia thought about it for a few moments and then answered his question.

"For one, he knows the job and he isn't grossed out about it. That's a big plus. You said so yourself about David, remember?"

He remembered. Why did he have to encourage that relationship anyway. _Stupid, stupid_.

"And he's kind and not bad looking."

Elliot just grunted in response.

"And another thing: he's _here_."

That last word cut like a knife. And he knew she knew it. The emphasis had been intentional and Elliot threw in the towel. He ended the call, mumbling something about hoping she'd be happy and giving his best to Cassidy. He didn't mean that but he had to do something not to lose her friendship over his dislike for her boyfriend. Her _boyfriend_. He was going to be sick. The punching bag at the gym really took a beating that night.

...

 **New York City**

Olivia tried to shake off the unrest she had felt during her call with Elliot. His reaction hadn't really surprised her but it still hurt a bit. Especially when he said he didn't think Brian was the love of her life. She knew that. But she couldn't have the love of her life. She needed to accept that and move on. And she felt good around Brian. He was familiar and he would never judge her. Some people thought he was, well, less intelligent than average. But he wasn't. Maybe he wasn't very good with words but he had a certain wisdom that she was coming to appreciate. Like her, he had seen what the world had to offer and he had made his choices. The line between right and wrong could get blurry in undercover situations but he tried to stay on the right side. He was a good man. And he cared about her. Even if he wasn't the love of her life, she could certainly do worse.

...

 **July, 2012**

Brian was cleared for active duty. He would go back to work two days later. He had a new undercover assignment that would probably take at least two weeks to wrap up. He called her at work to tell her that he wanted to take her out to dinner before he went under again.

"Consider it my thanks for all your support during my recovery," he told her.

"Bri, you don't need to thank me. I've had fun myself and you're great company."

She had ducked into an interrogation room to take his call. She hadn't told her co-workers yet that she had been spending a lot of time with Brian. She just wanted to see where it was going before she would let the world know about them. And she didn't need more crap from Nick about Brian. She had found out that Nick even went so far that he pulled a gun on Brian to get some answers during the Ganzel / Wilson case and she had a hard time forgiving him for that. That simply was not done among cops. Despite the personal stress Nick was under, he should have known better. Even Elliot wouldn't have done that, no matter how much they were alike in a way.

"Well, I still want to take you out to dinner," Brian continued. "Now that I've been cleared for all activities," he added in that hoarse, sexy voice of his.

Olivia laughed and felt a bit giddy.

"Alright, you can take me out to dinner. Just don't expect me to put out after just one date."

"Detective Benson, you are such a tease!"

Olivia laughed and ended the call after they had agreed when Brian would pick her up. She was actually a little nervous. During his undercover assignments, he was surrounded by beautiful young women all day. He'd been involved with a few over the years and she suddenly felt a little self-conscious. What if she didn't measure up? It _had_ been thirteen years.

She shook her head and laughed at herself. She'd never been insecure about her body or her sexual performance. And she wanted this, didn't she? She went home in time to take a shower and after getting ready, she checked her phone one last time before shutting it off. She wasn't on call and she did not want to be disturbed tonight. By anyone.

...


	11. Are you happy?

11.

Dinner had been nice and relaxed and Olivia was less nervous than she had expected to be when they returned to Brian's apartment afterwards. As soon as Brian had taken her coat and put it away, he wrapped his arms around her. She laughed and gave him a peck on the lips.

"Cleared for all activities huh?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I think we need to test if the doctors are right."

She grinned and looked into his eyes.

"I'm not sure we can manage all the tests in one go, Bri."

"Just a few will do for now," he rasped as he lifted her up bridal style.

Olivia laughed out loud and wrapped her arms around his neck while he carried her straight to the bedroom.

...

Brian had fallen asleep almost immediately afterwards, and Olivia listened to his regular breathing and his heartbeat. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her arm draped across his waist and one of her legs resting between his. She felt comfortable with him and having sex with him had been very satisfactory. Especially after they had to wait for weeks before they could do anything intimate together. They had been tempted to fumble a bit before, but not too much, because one thing would soon lead to another and not being able to see it through would have been even more frustrating. She had needed some time to get used to Brian anyway and in an ironic twist of fate, his injuries had made sure she hadn't plunged in head first. While she did feel like she didn't have many options anymore, like she had told Elliot, she didn't just want to grab the first available man that came along. But Brian was familiar. They hadn't started from scratch, trying to get to know each other. And while they hadn't seen each other in years, she had felt comfortable with him right away. He was a straightforward, no nonsense kind of man who wouldn't let her walk all over him. And he was passionate too.

She knew Brian would not have wanted to wait this long if he hadn't been shot. His impatience had shown a bit tonight. He couldn't get her clothes off of her fast enough, and when their buttons and zippers hadn't cooperated right away, they had collapsed on the bed laughing. It was refreshing, there were no hidden agendas or ulterior motives. No complications, nothing simmering beneath the surface.

He had let her take the lead then, trusting that her slender fingers would manage better than his big hands. There hadn't been a lot of foreplay and they both hadn't needed it. His body was firm and muscular and his actions without hesitation. She'd never seen anyone put on a condom as fast as Brian. Their combined experience had resulted in a heated burst of passion, leaving them exhausted yet smiling afterwards. Their bodies clicked, just like they had all those years ago. She remembered her latest conversation with Elliot as she drifted off to sleep. Brian was a good man and he cared about her. Even if he wasn't the love of her life, she could certainly do worse.

...

 **August 2012, Santa Cruz**

"Are you sure you even want me there?"

"What is that supposed to mean Elliot?"

Elliot took a deep breath and looked at his wife, who was staring at him after his last remark. She looked nice in her sleeveless light blue evening gown but he really didn't feel like going to the party with her. Eli was sleeping at a friends' house tonight and they were all set, but he found himself still looking for a way out. He felt completely out of place at these parties. It was all doctors and nurses and he had nothing in common with these people at all. Kathy was annoyed that he was trying to back out of it and wasn't even trying to hide it.

"Everyone is bringing their significant other Elliot. I don't want to go alone," Kathy insisted while she put her earrings in and fixed her pink lipstick. Since when was she wearing lipstick?  
She called him her significant other, but he felt anything but significant around her new friends and acquaintances. But he would go. Because he was supposed to. For her.

Once they arrived at the house where the party was being held, Kathy looped her arm through his and smiled. He tried to smile as well but he didn't feel like she actually wanted to touch him. He felt like an ornament on her arm and once they were inside, she soon let go of him to greet some people she knew.

"Oh, and this is my husband," he heard her say and he quickly took a step closer to the small group of people.

"Hmmm, really?" the brunette said, taking him in from head to toe and back up. "Kathy hun, you've been hiding him from us all this time?"

Kathy looked at him as if she was seeing him for the first time and he wondered if she was even attracted to him anymore. She was smiling proudly now, and took a hold of his arm again.

"Maybe I have just a little," she admitted, and he knew she was lying through her teeth. Why was he here again?

After exchanging a few obligatory pleasantries with Kathy's 'friends' and grabbing a drink from a tray and downing it, Elliot wandered out into the yard. It was a wonderful, warm night and the sun was only just setting. He had put on a white short-sleeved shirt and black pants and loosened his black tie as he walked further into the garden, which was a lot bigger than he had expected. There was a small pond about halfway with a bench next to it, and he walked over to it. Just as he was considering sitting down, he heard someone walk up to him.

"Good evening. Mr. Stabler right?"

Elliot turned around to look at the older man who was approaching him. He didn't think he'd seen him before.

"Yes, I'm Elliot Stabler. And you are?" he asked, as he extended his hand.

The man shook his hand and looked at him appreciatively.

"A firm handshake. I like that. I'm Jake Bronson. I own this place."

Bronson? Elliot remembered Kathy telling him about Jake Bronson. He was someone high up in the food chain at the biggest hospital in the area. He was throwing this party because of some kind of anniversary.

Elliot nodded at the man, who didn't really look like a big shot in his simple light brown polo shirt, faded jeans and cowboy boots. Just add a cowboy hat and he'd look like a real cowboy, Elliot thought, Bronson's white moustache completing the look perfectly.

"It's a nice place," he told the older man.

"Thank you. You work in health care too?"

Elliot shook his head and when Bronson sat down on the bench, he sat down next to him.

"Nah. I'm a retired cop from New York. I moved here with my wife. She's a doctors' assistant."

"And she dragged you to my party."

It wasn't a question but a statement and Elliot grinned.

"Yeah. Saying no wasn't an option."

"I know how it goes Elliot."

They sat together in comfortable silence for a few minutes and Elliot was glad he had walked out into the yard. He really didn't feel like chatting with people he didn't know about things he knew nothing about.

"So," Bronson suddenly asked him. "You settled in yet? Glad you moved here?"

Somehow, sitting here with this stranger in his backyard while it was getting dark, prompted Elliot to be honest.

"Actually, I'm not. I miss my life back in New York."

"Hm."

Bronson nodded.

"What's in New York?"

Elliot leaned forward, placing his elbows on his thighs and resting his chin on his clasped hands.

"I left four of our kids behind. They're all grown up now," he added by way of explanation. "And my job."

"And?"

Elliot looked at the man's profile, his eyebrows raised. Bronson just looked at the pond in front of them, a small smile playing on his lips. Elliot looked back at the pond as well and replied honestly again.

"Friends."

Bronson nodded slowly.

"Your wife is very happy here."

"You know her?"

"Yes, I know her. She applied for a job at one of my hospitals and I interviewed her in the second round."

Elliot didn't even know Kathy was looking for something else, let alone that she'd had interviews, but he understood now why this man had known his name.

"I see. So, is she getting the job?" he inquired. It felt a bit strange to get this information from this man in stead of his wife but he wanted to know.

"That's not relevant right now Elliot. Besides, she needs to hear that from us, not from you."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Just like she should have told you about her job application."

Elliot looked at the older man again, and he was looking at him now too. Elliot felt as if he was looking straight through him but it didn't make him uncomfortable. He felt like he could tell this man anything. He almost wanted to.

"If Kathy wants that job, I hope she gets it," he said. And he meant it.

"Because you want her to be happy."

Elliot nodded, and looked straight ahead again. Some lights were coming on in the garden, probably triggered by a light sensor, and he looked at the way the trees and the pond were now illuminated.

"Yeah. We got married when we were just kids and she's taken care of others her whole life. It's her turn now."

"And you? Are you happy?"

"No."

He'd given his answer before he realized it and Bronson registered the shock in his eyes. The older man reached out a hand and put it on Elliot's shoulder reassuringly.

"Don't worry Elliot. I won't tell anyone. Just promise me one thing, alright?"

Ellliot sat up straight and looked at Bronson.

"Sir?"

"Do something about it."

Elliot blew out a breath and stared at the lights that were reflected in the pond.

"That's easier said than done."

"No it's not," Bronson said. "You know what you want. You know what's in New York. Do something about it."

With that, he got up and started walking off, leaving Elliot alone with his thoughts. Who was this man and how did he know so much about him? He hadn't even told him what was bothering him but it was as if Bronson already knew. He almost wished he _had_ told the man about Olivia, to hear his thoughts about her. Because that's what was in New York. _She_ was.

Elliot shook his head and got up as well. He should get back inside and play the doting husband. To make Kathy happy.

...

"Jake Bronson? Really?"

Kathy was looking at him in shock, but with a gleeful look in her eyes.

"What did you talk about?"

They were getting ready to go to bed and Elliot was brushing his teeth while Kathy was brushing her long blonde hair behind him. He looked at her in the mirror.

"Oh, nothing. Life," he answered after spitting out some toothpaste. "He's a wise man."

Elliot dried off his face and walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom. Kathy joined him and they got into bed. When they were both in bed, she turned on her side to face him, leaning on one elbow.

"So tell me. What kind of wisdom did Bronson share with you?"

He could tell she was quite excited that he had spoken with this important man, but he wasn't about to tell her about their conversation, nor about all the things that had remained unsaid between them.

"Just some general life stuff," he told her.

"General life stuff? What does that even mean?"

Elliot smiled at his wife. She seemed so alive these days, even now, in the middle of the night after a long evening of partying. He wished he could feel as alive as Kathy. He reached out a hand to touch her face and he could tell she was surprised.

"You know, about love and happiness. The big picture."

He wasn't telling her the whole truth but she nodded as if she understood what he was saying.

"Are you happy Kathy?"

She thought about it for a moment and then nodded again.

"I do believe I am El."

"Good."

He reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her on top of him. She yelped in surprise but laughed when he settled her between his legs.

"I want you to be happy Kathy," he told her honestly.

"I want you to be happy too Elliot."

Kathy leaned in and kissed him. They hadn't been intimate in weeks and Elliot just needed some kind of release. To feel something. Anything other than the pain that was gradually growing inside his heart. He kissed his wife passionately and their bodies started to respond. Kathy moaned and Elliot closed his eyes, trying to think back to a time when everything was still simple. When they were seventeen and in love and nothing else mattered. He turned them around so he was on top and started to move his hands under Kathy's nightgown. She helped him take it off and when she pressed her naked upper body into his, he buried his face in her hair. He needed her right now to fill the void. As they made love, he tried desperately to keep out the other thoughts that were bubbling to the surface. He couldn't keep them all out and he literally had to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying her name when he came.

 _Liv_.

...

 **A/N: Hey, Elliot needs some from time to time as well. And they are married after all. Let me know what you think of how this story is progressing. Are we getting impatient yet, E/O shippers? ;)**


	12. Forget

12.

 **New York City**

The Special Victims Unit had taken down a sex trafficking ring as well as a terrorist group. The final piece of the puzzle connecting the two turned out to be a woman who'd lost her father in a bombing. He had literally been blown to pieces. They had worked with Lieutenant Alexandra Eames, who was working a joint task force with Homeland Security, and Olivia was having drinks with her after they'd finally closed the case.

"It's a rough story about the father," Olivia said pensively.

"They all have a reason. Something," Eames replied.

"And that's how you break 'em. Get them to tell their story," Olivia concluded, taking a sip from her drink.

"Isn't that how you do it?" Eames asked.

"Well, I don't normally do it leaning over sideways," Olivia laughed, mimicking Eames' unusual interviewing tactic, and Eames laughed with her.

"Yeah, hm. I learned that from my partner at Major Case. It was his way of keeping eye contact."

"It's a little eccentric." Olivia remarked.

"You have no idea."

Olivia could tell Eames had liked and appreciated her partner a lot, the way she was looking at her now with eyes that reflected memories of a happier time in the Lieutenant's life.

"Okay," she said, nodding in understanding while they both smiled.

"All that time together," Eames mused. "The two of us. It was like we were married."

It sounded very familiar to Olivia. Painfully familiar.

"But you weren't." Just like they weren't.

"No, we weren't."

Eames looked at her attentively.

"Why do I get the feeling you know exactly what I'm talking about?"

Olivia took another sip from her drink and set her glass down slowly. She looked at the woman at the table with her.

"I do know. I had a partner for twelve years ... in the end, his wife called me his office wife."

"His wife. That's awkward."

Olivia nodded, downing her drink and signaling the waiter for another one. They sat together in silence until their second round of drinks had arrived.

"So ... what happened with your partner?" Eames asked.

Olivia sighed.

"He retired after a shooting at the precinct. Couldn't take it anymore."

"You miss him?"

"Yeah ..." She had to swallow a lump in her throat. "Yeah, I miss him. A lot."

"So much that it hurts." Eames said.

It wasn't a question. Eames was feeling exactly the same. They smiled at each other sadly and Eames suggested they get drunk together and forget about everything for a while. Then they both laughed out loud and decided against it. They did end up having a third drink though, and talked some more about their old partners. Brian was still undercover so there was nobody waiting for Olivia to come home. It was good to relax like this and to talk about Elliot with someone who knew what it was like. Olivia didn't have any real friends she could confide it and was enjoying her evening with Eames. They were both strong, independent women but even they needed someone to lean on and confide in every now and then.

...

 **September, 2012**

Brian had finally resurfaced and called her at work to ask if he could come over to her place later. He'd been debriefed and had at least five days off, and he wanted to spend them with Olivia. She didn't know what time she'd get home so she told him she'd come over to his place as soon as she got off work.

"I'll be here," he said, and she could picture him with an expectant grin on his face. "We need to make up for lost time Liv."

"I know," she said softly, glancing around to make sure nobody was listening in.

Things with Nick had become less tense and she wanted to keep it that way. They were working together again regularly, after being split up temporarily at Nick's request. He was trying to keep his personal stuff out of work and she wanted to do the same. Knowing how Nick felt about Brian also helped to keep their relationship to herself for now. She ended the call when Nick glanced her way. Nick didn't comment and that was one thing she appreciated greatly about him. He would never ask her about her personal life unless she decided to share it with him. And she would do the same for him.

Cragen came out of his office, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Who's catching?" he asked.

Olivia looked around and noticed she and Nick were the only detectives in the room.

"Well, I guess we are," she told her Captain with a smile.

She had hoped they wouldn't get a new case this afternoon because she wanted to see Brian, but this case couldn't wait. They had a thirteen-year old rape victim who had confided in her school teacher.

...

It wasn't until 11.30 pm that Olivia finally made it to Brian's place, exhausted.

"Hey, I was beginning to think you weren't going to show up," Brian sighed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and holding her close for a moment. "I've missed you."

Olivia leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist, relieved that she could finally relax her tired body.

"I've missed you too," she mumbled against his shoulder. "I'm just so tired."

"C'mere," Brian said, taking her hands and leading her to the couch. "You just sit down and put your feet up. I'll get you something to drink. You eaten yet?"

Olivia leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes.

"Yeah, I ate at the hospital earlier. A drink would be great though."

Brian quickly came back with two beers and sat down next to her. They chatted a little about his undercover op and her most recent case. After finishing their beers, Olivia leaned against his shoulder and he put his arms around her. He kissed her temple and she smiled.

"You wanna get some sleep?" Brian asked.

She knew he had hoped for some more action after they had been apart for a few weeks and she _had_ missed him. She pushed herself up a little to bring her eyes level with his.

"I'm just tired Bri, not dead."

Brian laughed out loud and pulled her up with him as he got up from the couch.

"Alright then," he grinned.

"I'd like to take a shower though," she said with a sly smile and Brian's grin got even wider.

"Want some company?"

"Yeah, I do."

As soon as Olivia had stepped into the shower, Brian stepped in behind her and closed the curtain. They washed their hair quickly and then started washing each other. The hot water was a blessing for her tired muscles and aching bones, and Olivia relaxed when Brian pulled her back flush against his chest to cover her with soap. She moaned when he rubbed soap on her breasts with his big hands and closed her eyes, leaning her head back against his shoulder. She could feel him getting aroused, pressing into her lower back and her body responded as well. She was glad he was back and enjoyed the attention he was giving her. He was nipping at the skin of her neck with his teeth and lips while he continued caressing her body with his hands, and it occurred to her that he was probably leaving a mark. She didn't care right now and moved her hands behind him to grab his firm ass.

"O, livia," Brian said softly. "You want me baby?"

"Yeah," she sighed.

She wanted to forget about the thirteen-year old girl who had been raped three times by her stepbrother and had finally told her teacher after it had happened again right before school. She wanted to forget about the hooker she'd talked to earlier in the week, who had come from an abusive home and was now on drugs and selling her body to get her fix. She wanted to forget about all the memories that had resurfaced during and after her evening with Alexandra Eames. She wanted to forget about Brian's latest undercover assignment, where he had once again been surrounded by beautiful escorts. And she wanted to forget about not being with the love of her life.

She turned around in Brian's arms and kissed him passionately.

"I want you ..." she sighed between their heated kisses, "to make me forget ... everything."

"I will," Brian promised her.

And he did. He made her forget everything for a while and she slept soundly in his arms the entire night.

...

A week later, Maureen called her to invite her to her twenty-eighth birthday on the 30th. It was on a Sunday and she was throwing a big party for her family and friends.

"Mom and dad and Eli are coming too. I hope you will be able to make it as well, Olivia."

Olivia felt her stomach clench nervously at the news. Elliot was coming back to New York in just a few days. As much as she would want to see him again, she wasn't sure how that would go, now that she was with Brian. She wasn't going to bring Brian to the party. That was a no-brainer. Besides, Maureen and her boyfriend didn't even know him. Still, things might be a bit uncomfortable between her and Elliot and she was restless.

She felt almost relieved when Brian told her he had another assignment and was leaving the next day. Now she didn't even have to mention the party to him, and he wouldn't comment on how jittery she was.

Brian came over to her apartment to say goodbye. He couldn't tell her what his assignment was, but he did assure her that it wasn't likely that he would meet a lot of women this time.

"I know you get jealous Liv, even though you don't want to admit it," he grinned.

She smiled and kissed his nose.

"You bet," she admitted. "I'm extremely monogamous myself so I expect nothing less from my boyfriend, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay. Now you can leave."

The both laughed and hugged before he was out the door, off on another assignment for God knows how long. Olivia sighed and closed the door. She bolted it, knowing she would be on her own again for a while.

...

Elliot was glad to be back in New York. Just seeing the city from the airplane right before landing had made his heart soar. The city was still home to him. They'd been living in Santa Cruz for almost a year now but it still didn't feel like home. This was.

 _You know what's in New York. Do something about it._

Jake Bronson's words had been ringing in his head often since he'd spoken with the man. He hadn't met him since and sometimes he wondered if their conversation had really happened. But it must have, because it was still affecting him today. And now he was back in the city.

After unpacking at the hotel, Kathy called Maureen to ask if she needed any help preparing for the party. It was only Friday but it looked like they were making a really big thing out of it because Maureen was busy already, and she accepted her mother's offer to help immediately. Before Kathy could even ask, Elliot had already nodded.

"Sure, go ahead. Me and Eli will be fine. Let me know when you're coming back, okay? I'd like to go out to dinner together."

"Yey, MacDonalds!" Eli yelled and his parents laughed.

"Maybe," Elliot told his young son. "Or maybe we'll go to a different restaurant."

"Pizza?" Eli asked hopefully.

"Maybe," Elliot said again.

Since they had basically traveled back in time, the boy would be awake for a long time. So he had to think of something to wear him out a little. After Kathy had left, he decided to just go for a long walk uptown. He was aware that they were heading in the direction of his old precinct but he knew they weren't going there. Memories of the shooting still haunted him at times and he wasn't ready to go back to the place where it had all happened. Where his career had ended, and his partnership with Olivia.

Olivia didn't even know they were already in New York. Their texts and phone calls had become less frequent now that she was with Brian. He didn't want to impose and it looked like she didn't need the contact as much as she used to anymore. He took Eli to a diner to order him a milkshake and decided to text Olivia to let her know they were in town and why.

He received a reply within ten minutes.

 _'Hey. I knew you were coming, Maureen told me. Guess I will see you Sunday. Liv.'_

He smiled. She was coming to the party. He'd like to see her before the party, but he didn't know how to arrange it. She was probably with Brian every night now, and he had Eli. He was pretty certain Kathy wouldn't appreciate it if he left them alone during the weekend so he decided against it. At least she'd be at the party. Would she bring Brian? God, he hoped not. Fending off the visuals of his hands on Olivia was hard enough. He really didn't want to see the guy. He took a chance and sent another text.

 _'Brian gonna be there too?'_

Her reply came a few minutes later.

 _'He is undercover again, don't worry ;-)'_

He grinned. She knew him too well. And judging from her text, she didn't hold his initial reaction about her seeing Brian against him. He felt better already and was beginning to look forward to Sunday. After Eli finished his milkshake, they walked back to the hotel.

...

The party was in full swing already when he finally saw Olivia come in. There were about 25 people in the spacious living room of Maureen and Steven's house. The room had been cleared out and in stead of the usual furniture, stand up tables had been placed in the room. A small stage had been set up in a corner for a DJ who was playing all kinds of music and there were lower tables along one of the walls, with drinks and various snacks for the guests. Elliot watched Olivia from a distance as she greeted Maureen and Steven, and then his other children. She was wearing a nice purple dress and he noticed once again that she had become a little fuller over the years. The feminine curves of her body were perfect in his eyes and he couldn't help staring, until he saw her looking back at him. She was smiling slightly, one eyebrow raised, and Elliot felt his cheeks getting warm. _Busted_. Eli was holding Olivia's hand and was pulling at it, dragging her in his direction. She let Eli guide her to his father and her smile grew wider when they were face to face.

"Hey."

"Hey. Glad you could make it."

"I'm glad _you_ could make it," Olivia replied, bowing down a bit to squeeze Eli's nose gently. "All the way from California."

The little boy was overjoyed to see her again and provided a welcome distraction for Elliot, who was trying to come to terms with the fact that Olivia was just a two feet away from him. _You know what's in New York. Do something about it._

He looked at Kathy, who was in an animated conversation with her sister and Kathleen, who had also brought a boyfriend to the party. His family continued to grow and he felt incredibly blessed. After taking a deep breath, he looked at Olivia again. She was still alone. Well, aside from Cassidy. Just thinking his name left a bad taste in his mouth and he looked around to see where they could get a drink.

"You want a drink? I'll get us some."

"Sure. I'll walk with you."

They made their way to the drinks table and Kathy joined them while Eli bolted off again towards his brother.

"Olivia, so nice of you to come. How are you? Did you bring your new friend?"

Kathy seemed a little too happy to emphasize that Olivia had a _friend_ these days, and she smiled sheepishly.

"No. He's working. Besides, Maureen and Steven don't know him so I wouldn't have brought him anyway."

"Oh, that would have been perfectly fine Olivia," Kathy continued, still a little too giddy for her taste. "I'd love to meet the man who's stolen your heart."

"Well, maybe another time," Olivia said and she breathed a sigh of relief when Kathy dashed off again immediately.

Elliot glanced at her at the exact same time she glanced at him, and they both laughed out loud. No words were necessary, they had both seen and felt the same thing. Elliot handed her a glass of wine and held his out for a toast. He winked at her and they clunked their glasses together, toasting to nothing in particular, just being happy to see each other again. They were sipping their wine quietly when Maureen asked the DJ to stop the music for a while because she wanted to say something.

"Dear friends and family, we're so happy you could all be here with us tonight," Maureen said as the room went quiet. Steven joined his girlfriend on the small stage.

"You may wonder why we made such a big deal out of my twenty-eighth birthday," Maureen continued, "since it isn't really a special number. But we have a little announcement to make."

...

 **A/N: What will Maureen and Steven's announcement be about and how will it effect their guests?**


	13. The next generation

**Alright, this was a very tough one to write. Do let me know what you think of this 13th chapter!**

13.

 _"You may wonder why we made such a big deal out of my twenty-eighth birthday, since it isn't really a special number. But we have a little announcement to make."_

Olivia looked at Elliot, who was looking at his daughter on the small stage in her living room. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for the couple's announcement. Maureen looked at Steven, who smiled at her encouragingly and Maureen took a deep breath.

"Steven has asked me to marry him, and I've said yes, and we're having a baby!"

There was a loud applause and cheering and Kathy was the first to run over to her oldest daughter and her future son-in-law to congratulate them. She was going to be a grandmother. Olivia looked at Elliot again. He was going to be a grandfather ... it was unreal. And judging from the look on his face, he'd had no idea and it was unreal to him as well. He just stood there, staring at his daughter who was being congratulated by just about everyone, his face pale and eyes wide.

"El."

Olivia nudged him with her elbow and he finally blinked.

"El, get over there. Congratulate them," she said softly.

The DJ had started 'Congratulations' by Cliff Richard and a lot of people started to clap and sing along but Elliot hadn't moved an inch since Maureen's announcement. He looked at Olivia and seemed to come out of his initial shock. He set down his glass and made his way over to the happy couple to congratulate them. When Elliot moved away with Kathy, Olivia walked over to the young couple as well and congratulated them on both happy occasions.

"Thank you Olivia. I'm so glad you could be here for this. You'll come to our wedding too?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world Maureen," Olivia said, smiling warmly. "You gave your dad quite a scare though. I don't know if he's ready to be a granddad."

Maureen smirked.

"He'll get used to it. And you'll be the baby's godmother, of course."

Olivia didn't know what to say. She was honored to be considered a part of the family. Like her father, Maureen understood that while Olivia was at a loss for words, she was very happy about being the baby's godmother. Maureen rubbed her arm and both women smiled at each other before Maureen had to give her attention to the next person in line to congratulate her and Steven. Olivia turned around and automatically scanned the room to find Elliot. She didn't see him.

...

Elliot had walked outside through the kitchen and the back door onto the back porch. He needed some air. Somehow, he had not been ready for this. He was going to be a grandfather. It should make sense. Four of his kids were adults already but he didn't feel like he was done yet himself. He couldn't be a senior citizen already. He knew that technically he wasn't, at almost 46, but still. He leaned on the bannister of the porch and stared out into the darkness. He was going to be a grandfather ...

He heard the back door open and turned around. He wasn't surprised to see Olivia walk up to him. She always knew exactly when he needed to be alone. And when he needed to talk.

"Hey. You okay?"

He grinned at her and turned back around, leaning on the bannister again.

"What do you think? I'm going to be a granddad. Can you believe that?"

Olivia stood next to him and looked into the dark yard as well.

"Aren't you happy about it?" she asked.

"Sure ..."

It didn't sound convincing and Olivia turned to face him and put a hand on his arm.

"El? You are happy for Maureen, aren't you? She's thrilled about it herself."

Elliot straightened his back and turned to face her as well, crossing his arms in front of his chest. She knew what that meant. He was willing to talk to her but he was trying to stay detached and not show his emotions.

"I'm happy for Maureen and Steven. I really am," he added, and she wondered briefly if he was trying to convince himself.

"It's just ... I'm not really ready to ... let the next generation take over, I guess."

Olivia watched him and wondered what was making this so difficult for him. He was looking at her intently now and she almost started feeling uncomfortable under his gaze.

"Why not?" she asked him. "She's 28, he's 27. It's a great age to start a family."

She wished she had been lucky enough at that age to be in a solid relationship and Elliot should be relieved that Maureen had found her match and was ready to start a family with Steven.

"I know," Elliot said softly and his gaze dropped. "I just thought we weren't done yet and suddenly we're the previous generation. It feels like things are moving too fast."

So basically, Olivia thought, becoming a granddad was making him feel old. He uncrossed his arms and reached for her hand. Olivia swallowed then, and wondered who exactly he had meant when he said 'we'. She looked at his hand taking a hold of hers and then looked up at his face again.

"Elliot," she said. "What exactly aren't you done with?"

He shook his head, moving his thumb across the back of her hand before looking up at her again.

"Not me. You."

"Me?"

Now she was confused. The look in his eyes was a mixture of sadness and compassion and something she couldn't quite place. Was it regret? It was a little unsettling and she looked away, pulling her hand from his grasp and turning away from him.

"I don't understand Elliot. This isn't about me. You should be thrilled to be a grandfather at such a young age. You get to see your grandchild grow up and you'll probably even be a great-granddad one day."

She glanced at him and smiled when she saw the shock on his face.

"Liv ... I can't think about me being a great-grandfather. You're not even a mother yet."

Why couldn't she understand what he meant? Did he really need to spell it out for her?

"So you mean it makes you realize we really are old?"

Her voice sounded cold and he looked at her profile, trying to read her but unable to see her eyes well enough to do so.

"My time has come and gone Elliot. I don't see why that should bother you or why it has anything to do with Maureen having a baby."

He reached out to her again and she jumped slightly when he put his hand on her back and stood close to her.

"I always wanted that for you Liv," he said softly and he felt her tremble under his touch. "And I know you wanted it too. Maureen having a baby means that the next generation really is taking over. I mean, I know you're not too old but it's so ... confronting."

Olivia faced him now, her eyes fixed on his. Was she angry?

"The only one who is making this confronting right now is _you_ Elliot."

She punctuated her words by jabbing at his chest with her finger.

"Thanks a lot for your sympathy but I didn't ask for it. And I sure as hell didn't need this elaborate reminder of my age and everything I've missed out on. I was perfectly happy for your daughter before I came out here. I don't know what your problem is but I don't need you to project whatever it is that is bothering you on me and fuck up my evening."

She was staring him down, daring him to say something. She had come out here, thinking Elliot needed some support while dealing with this new reality. She had not expected him to take her down with him. He'd hit a sore spot and he knew it. Why did he even have to bring it up? She had been happy for Maureen and hadn't even thought about herself until she came out here and Elliot made this about her. And for the life of her, she couldn't fathom why. He was opening his mouth to say something and she took a small step back, crossing her arms in front of her chest. This had better be good or she was out of here.

"Liv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Well, obviously _you_ are upset about something," she fired back. "Why don't you just tell me what it is in stead of making your new status of becoming a grandparent about me."

Elliot took a deep breath. This was not going well. Olivia used to be able to understand him without a lot of words but they weren't in sync this time. And they shouldn't be because he was with Kathy and she was with Cassidy. The thought struck him that she might actually have a child with Cassidy and it made him panic a little inside. Olivia must have registered his panic because she sighed and turned away from him.

"Never mind Elliot. I guess I'm going to go inside and get drunk now. Thanks a lot."

"Liv."

He had stepped up and grabbed her arm before he realized it. Olivia spun around, fire in her eyes, and glared at him.

"What!"

He quickly let go of her arm but he couldn't leave things like this between them. Hell, he didn't even know how they got here. When he heard Maureen announce she was getting married and having a baby, all he could think of was what he still wanted to get out of life himself. With Olivia. And how totally wrong it was to still want that after all this time. And how totally right it had felt when Jake Bronson had told him to do something about it. Olivia was still waiting for an answer but all her walls were up. He had hurt her and he didn't know how to make it right, but he had to do something fast.

She cringed slightly when he moved his hand to her face but relaxed when he caressed her cheek gently. The look in her eyes softened and she uncrossed her arms, dropping them to her sides. She didn't want a fight but she was hurt. He was hoping his gesture as well as his eyes conveyed the right message to her. He cared about her. Probably too much. She took a deep breath and blew it out and he watched her chest rise and fall as she tried to continue breathing regularly while he brushed his thumb over her cheekbone gently.

"I'm sorry Liv," he said again. "You're right. I was projecting on you but that's just because ..."

God, this was hard. He swallowed and took another breath before continuing.

"Because I care about you too damn much. And I ... I guess I imagined another life for us somewhere along the line ..."

He trailed off when he saw here eyes go wide and he wished he could take his last words back. She wasn't ready to hear them.

"Another life for us?" she asked, her voice almost breaking on the last word. "What ... how ..."

He moved his hand from her cheek and put two fingers on her mouth, effectively silencing her. He watched for any signs that she might lash out at him again but there were none. She seemed to be frozen in place for now and he used the opportunity to move closer to her.

Olivia's heart was pounding in her chest as she tried to process what Elliot had just said to her. When he moved even closer to her, she stopped trying to understand what he was saying or doing. She felt numb until she felt his lips graze hers softly. Her eyes flew open - when had she closed them? - and she took a small step back to look into his eyes. He moved with her though and kissed her again, eliciting a small moan from her as she leaned into him. He was holding her loosely, on hand against her neck and the other on her waist. Olivia held on to his jacket with both hands. She knew she should pull back but somewhere in the back of her head the fact was registering that she was never going to experience his lips on hers again. So she'd better enjoy the moment while it lasted.

Elliot was the one who pulled back before things could become too intense. He cleared his throat nervously and looked at her to take inventory of the damage he had just caused by kissing Olivia. She was staring at him in disbelief but he didn't see any anger. Relief washed over him. He knew he shouldn't have kissed her but as long as she wasn't mad at him, he didn't really care. He did want to know what she was thinking right now and he searched her eyes for a clue. She was composing herself and straightened her shoulders.

"Well, that was ... unexpected," she said softly. "But that life you imagined Elliot ..."

"I know, I know," he interrupted her. "Not gonna happen. You're with Cassidy now."

Olivia sighed.

"You're married El. Have been for as long as I've known you. This isn't about me being with someone else for once. You've always been with someone else. It was never gonna happen. You know that."

Elliot nodded. She was right. But it had never stopped him from wanting it to happen. And it wasn't fair to her. It was part of the reason she was still alone. He'd made sure of it. Until now. He wasn't going to get in the way of her happiness anymore. She wasn't too old to have a child of her own if she still wanted it, and if she wanted it with Cassidy, he'd have to accept that.

"I think I'm going to head on home," Olivia said and Elliot's heart sank. He didn't want her to leave. Not like this. Not at all, really.

Olivia didn't know what to make of it. In all the years they had known each other, Elliot had never kissed her. Not even on the cheek. If he had really had thoughts of a life with her, he'd done a pretty good job of hiding it and making sure it could never be. He could have made a move when he was heading for a divorce but no, he had to go and knock up Kathy - again. It had been pretty clear for her then, that she should put aside all thoughts about Elliot in any other capacity than her partner and friend. But that stupid kiss had made them all come back full force and all she wanted was to get out of there and go home to be alone.

"Please don't go yet," Elliot said and she could see the worry in his eyes. He must be worried that he had damaged their friendship and she wanted to reassure him.

"It's okay El," she said, crossing her arms in front of her again. "I won't deny that I've had those thoughts as well from time to time. At least now we know what it's like to kiss each other."

She smirked and saw him relax. They were still good. They always knew it was never going to happen.

"Yeah," Elliot sighed.

He knew what it was like now. And he wished he could experience it again. He wouldn't break the kiss then. He could tell she was reading him now and she was thinking the same thing. They were having a conversation without words, silently conveying to each other that they would have taken things further - in another lifetime.

Almost simultaneously, they turned towards the door and went back inside. They were at a party after all.

...

 **A/N: Sigh ...**


	14. Ice skating

**Thank you to the guest reviewer for your kind words after chapter 13. I really didn't mean to make you cry but it means a lot to me that the chapter apparently captured the emotions well and made you feel them. Thanks for letting me know. I hope you and my other faithful reviewers will continue to leave their thoughts and others will join in. All reviews, positive or not, are greatly appreciated.**

 **Now, I've been having all these ideas for scenes between our two favorite detectives since I started reading and writing here at FF and I am managing to bring several of them together in this story. This chapter is an example of that. Enjoy!**

14.

 **December, 2012**

Maureen and Steven had decided they would postpone their wedding until after they had their baby. Maureen didn't want to look huge forever on her wedding photos and they didn't want to have a rushed wedding either, and wanted to take their time planning it. She was almost six months along now and Kathy wanted to spend more time with her, and the other kids. So they were coming to New York for a few weeks around the holidays.

Meanwhile, Brian and Olivia had settled into a comfortable rhythm together. Brian would be away for a few weeks and then be back for one or two weeks before he was off again for a while. Olivia was used to being alone but was enjoying their time together while it lasted. He had surprised her by planning a short trip to the Bahamas for the two of them at Christmas and she was really looking forward to it.  
She and Elliot had managed to slip back into their comfortable long-distance understanding after their kiss and Olivia tried not to think about it too much. He had caught her off guard with his admission that he'd had thoughts about them together. But it seemed just as impossible as ever and she tried to put her own thoughts about it aside as well. He had made his choices and she was making a life of her own now. Still, finally knowing for certain that he had also thought about it, somehow made it more difficult for her to forget.

The Stablers would be in New York from mid December until early January and Elliot sent her a text letting her know they had arrived on the fifteenth. Olivia would be leaving for the Bahamas on the twenty-fourth so there would be time to meet up. Brian was on desk duty awaiting a new assignment after their vacation and Olivia wondered if it would be inevitable for the two men to meet each other this time. But despite doing paperwork and research from behind his desk mostly, Brian seemed to be making long hours. Olivia tried not to worry about it. He answered his phone promptly whenever she called him so she guessed they were plotting things behind the computer or something. He'd cancelled a few times when she had expected him over for dinner so when Elliot called her on Wednesday afternoon, she decided to say yes to whatever he had planned.

"Liv, it's me. You busy?"

"Just wrapping up some paperwork. Why?"

"Kathy is out with Maureen, shopping for maternity clothes and baby stuff and I wanted to take Eli ice skating. I thought maybe you could join us?"

Olivia checked her watch. It was 4.30 pm and she wasn't off duty officially yet. She looked around the squad room. It was pretty quiet and they had no new cases, and the idea of going ice skating with Eli and Elliot did appeal to her.

"It sounds like fun but I'll have to check with Cragen if he can spare me this early El. What time did you have in mind?" she asked.

Elliot was happy that she was agreeing to meet him and Eli. He had thought about their little moment on Maureen's back porch a lot. Despite the fact that they had enjoyed the rest of the party afterwards, he had worried that things might become awkward between them. He knew he never should have kissed her but he just couldn't forget the feeling of her lips against his. He hadn't exactly taken Jake Bronson's advice. In stead, he had confessed to her that he had been thinking about a life with her and he had made things more complicated than they already were, because their circumstanced had not changed.

He knew he needed to open up to his therapist soon. He was only seeing Dr. Myers once a month now and this was in part due to his reluctance to open up about Olivia. Dr. Myers had made it clear to him that it was obvious that he was keeping a big part of his life sealed off and that he couldn't help him any further unless he was willing to talk about it. He had put some of his childhood traumas behind him and he was learning to control his temper better, but Dr. Myers knew that he had a huge frustration in his life that might cause new outbursts in the future. And Elliot knew he was right.

But right now, she was agreeing to see him and he was going to enjoy her company. Kathy would be away with Maureen well into the evening anyway. Olivia didn't mention Brian and he wasn't about to bring him up either. In stead, he told her which ice skating rink he had chosen and what time they were going to be there. She promised him she'd be there soon, hoping Cragen would let her go early. If not, or if they caught another case, she'd be in touch.

...

Eli had never had ice skates on in his life. Elliot had assured him that it was a lot like roller skates but the slippery surface was a real challenge for the five-year old. Elliot was actually pretty good at ice skating but he had to hold Eli the whole time and they weren't making a lot of headway. He was relieved when he heard her voice call out to them from the side of the rink.

"Elliot! Eli!"

"Hey Eli, look. It's Olivia."

Elliot leaned towards his son to point her out to him. Olivia was waving at them and Eli tugged at his hand excitedly when he spotted her, making his father lose his balance and land on his butt on the ice. He heard Olivia laugh and the sound warmed his heart. She hurried over to them, ice skates in hand, and asked him if he was okay.

"Sure. All that's being bruised here today is my ego," he huffed, while getting up as quickly as he could manage.

He hopped off the ice and picked up Eli to set him down on the wooden boards next to the ice as well.

"Liv, you have to skate too," the young boy told her.

"I will Eli. Just let me get my skates on."

Olivia sat down on a bench and Elliot watched her put her white skates on. She looked nice, wearing a white bonnet over her long dark hair, a white scarf and a short black winter coat over her blue jeans.

"I rented these, I don't actually own skates," she told them while she laced up. "Do you?"

Elliot held up one leg to show her his black ice hockey skates.

"I do. I actually played ice hockey for a while when I was younger. But we didn't bring mine so I rented these as well."

"Daddy bought me these," Eli piped up, holding up his little leg to show her his training skates with double blades.

"You look really cool in those Eli," Olivia complimented him and the boy beamed with pride.

"I fall only two times, just like daddy," he told her proudly.

Olivia looked up at Elliot, who shrugged.

"He made me lose my balance."

"Sure he did," she said, grinning. "Help me up?"

She reached out her hand and he grabbed it, helping her up and onto the ice. She hadn't been on skates in years and it took her a minute to find her balance. Elliot was only too happy to help steady her and she looked at him, raising an eyebrow when he wrapped his arm around her waist.

"That won't be necessary El," she assured him.

She didn't need him this close right away. Just seeing him again had caused her heart to beat faster and she didn't want things to become uncomfortable between them.

"Let's see if we can get Eli going," she suggested, turning out of Elliot's arm and towards the little boy, who had stepped onto the ice as well and was now clutching her leg to keep his balance.

Elliot moved to Eli's side and Eli put his little hands in theirs so he could skate between them. The adults smiled at each other. Wasn't this the perfect picture of domesticity? Music was blaring from the speakers and lots of parents were skating with their kids, just like they were. Only this wasn't her family. Olivia shrugged it off and they focused on teaching Eli how to skate and making sure he was having fun. It was a great success and after almost 45 minutes of intensive training, Eli managed to skate on his own, making actual strides in stead of semi-walking on the ice. Elliot stayed right behind him, ready to catch him if he'd fall again but he did great.

Olivia had taken a break and was watching Stabler junior and senior together on the ice. Elliot was a good father and he was doing all the things with Eli now that he'd never been able to do with his other kids. She understood why he had chosen to leave with them after his retirement. He wanted to do right by his son. And his wife, of course. But Kathy was doing great on her own, Elliot had told her. She had found a whole new life in Santa Cruz, with new friends and a fulfilling job. She had recently gotten a new job at a local hospital. She was flourishing now that she wasn't cooped up in a house all day, having to take care of a big family. Olivia had always been a little jealous of Kathy's family life but she could see now that a wife and mother could get caught up in being a caretaker and forget all about herself and her own needs.

She on the other hand, had had way too much time to think about what she expected from life, despite her demanding job. Being out here with Elliot and his son made it painfully clear for her once more. She wanted a family. Not a big one, just a small family would do. One child to call her own, preferably with a man that she could also call hers. A few sunrays peeked through the clouds and Olivia closed her eyes for a moment, turning her face to catch the warmth of the setting sun. She could just imagine it, just like this. But with Brian? She didn't know if he would even want a child.

Eli was getting tired and Elliot looked across the rink at the spot where they had left their things and where Olivia was sitting. He saw her enjoy a few sunrays that were hitting her face and was mesmerized by her. She was completely relaxed and seemed to be content to be there, with him and his son. It was almost perfect and he took a deep breath. If only ...

Eli was tapping his leg, asking if he could rest for a bit and Elliot turned his attention back to his son, helping him across the rink once more. Once Eli was seated next to Olivia, he went to get them all a cup of hot chocolate milk. Olivia smiled at him when he handed her a cup and they all sipped the hot liquid in silence. Eli was exhausted and didn't want to skate anymore. Maybe later, he told them earnestly, almost sounding like a grownup, and the adults both laughed.

"Is it okay if Liv and I go skate some more?" Elliot asked his son, and Eli nodded.

"Okay. I can watch you from here," Eli agreed.

They finished their chocolate milk and then went back on the ice, after making sure Eli was comfortable. Without Eli, Elliot could finally skate faster and Olivia watched him skate off with fluent strides. She couldn't help admiring the way he moved, the muscles of his thighs and butt straining as he sped up. He was wearing a short denim jacket with wool lining and blue jeans and despite his balding scalp, he wasn't wearing his black bonnet now. He rounded the entire rink quickly and came up behind her, grabbing her hand and helping her gain some speed as well.

Elliot slowed down a little, allowing her to match his strides before letting go of her hand, and they skated a few rounds. Olivia was all smiles and was laughing out loud regularly, and he didn't think he'd ever seen her like this. They waved at Eli each time they passed him and he waved back each time, tucked away warmly in his dark blue ski suit. After a few rounds his attention dwindled and he started chatting with another boy that was about his age, who had sat down while his parents skated another few rounds. Elliot heard a familiar song starting and grabbed Olivia's hand, and tugged at it to make her glide towards him.

"Wanna dance?" he asked her with a grin.

"Dance? Seriously?" she asked when they were face to face. "You know, I'm not as steady on the ice as you are so ..."

"Don't worry, I won't let you fall. Trust me?"

Of course she trusted him. Not to let her fall at least. She didn't know if she should trust him any further though. Or herself, for that matter. Elliot seemed to be picking up on the little discussion she was having with herself and smiled, his bright blue eyes holding her gaze.

"Liv. Trust me," he said softly and the tone of his voice made goose bumps break out on her skin.

He took her left hand with his left hand and put his right arm around her waist so she was next to him, her left arm extended in front of his chest.

"Just relax and follow my lead," he told her, his mouth close to her ear.

It was quite impossible for her to relax but she managed to follow his movements and soon they were swaying across the ice perfectly synchronized. Elliot squeezed her a little tighter each time they turned left, making sure she wouldn't drift away from him, and loosened his grip on her when they were moving straight ahead.

"You ready to turn?" he asked her on a straight stretch and before she could ask what he meant, he swirled them around and then let go of her waist to turn her around once more and then into him so she was facing him, and wrapped his arm around her again.

She managed not to trip and had to hold on to Elliot to continue gliding backwards after the sudden change of pace. He had a cocky grin on his face and she couldn't get angry with him. He was still moving fluently and she had to admit she was a little impressed. She was just keeping her feet steady now and moving with him as best she could, following his lead as they made turns. She held him tightly while he moved them across the rink, and other people were making room for them as they approached. When the song ended, he slowed down until they could made a full stop. Their skates collided during the attempt and they both lost their balance and fell on the ice, Elliot almost falling on top of her. They both laughed out loud and Olivia lay down flat on her back.

"Sorry. You okay?" Elliot asked, looking down at Olivia, still grinning and trying to ignore exactly how closely he was pressed up against her now.

"Yeah," she replied, sitting up quickly to create a little distance between them.

Elliot stood up and helped her get up too, holding her close as soon as she was standing.

"This was fun, right?" he asked her, looking into her brown eyes that were now impossibly close.

"Yeah," she said again, looking into his blue eyes for a second before averting her eyes.

They dropped to his mouth unconsciously and she quickly looked up again. He was looking at her mouth as well and she had to do something. Now. She turned her head away from him, pretending to look for Eli.

"El, we should ..."

"Yeah, we should."

"Let's just ..."

"See if Eli is okay?"

"Yes."

Elliot let go of her reluctantly. This afternoon with her had been simply perfect and he didn't want it to end. He had a feeling she didn't want it to end either. They made their way back to Eli who told them he was hungry. Elliot looked at Olivia and asked if she would join them for a bite to eat. She agreed and they took Eli to MacDonalds. The little man was dead on his feet by eight though and they had to call it a night.

"Thanks for coming with us Liv," Elliot said as they said goodbye.

They didn't know when they'd see each other again and Olivia had to swallow a lump in her throat.

"I had a great time with you," Olivia told him. "Both of you," she added, giving Eli a big hug.

"Bye Liv," Eli said softly and she could see a hint of sadness in his blue eyes.

"Bye honey," she said. "I'll miss you."

"I always miss you Liv," the boy told her honestly.

Olivia glanced at Elliot who also had a sad smile on his face.

"So do I Liv," he told her and she bit her lip.

"Me too," she whispered before turning around to hide the tears that were welling in her eyes.

Elliot watched her walk away and sighed. It was as if saying goodbye became more difficult each time. How long could they keep going on like this?

...


	15. Thinking

15.

 **Nassau, the Bahamas**

Olivia had barely made her flight because of a heavy case, and was relieved when they finally arrived in their hotel room in the Bahamas. Brian had done all the packing and she was grateful that he was still able to deal with her hectic work schedule. They had hardly seen each other over the past two weeks and she was determined to enjoy their short vacation. They had both earned some downtime in the sun. They had arrived in the morning and decided to head on out to the beach after a light lunch. Olivia had put on a bright yellow two-piece and Brian showed off his new swimming attire, a boxer short with a bright flower print. Olivia could barely keep her eyes open though, and she was sound asleep on her sun bed within fifteen minutes. Brian had put a beach towel over her so she wouldn't get sunburnt. It wasn't really hot and she had a natural tan but he assured her it was better to be safe than sorry.

He woke her up after an hour by shaking out his wet hair above her and she shot up when the cold drops hit her hot skin.

"Whoah Bri! Not nice!"

He laughed and she laughed with him.

"Come on, the water isn't cold at all. You've been sleeping long enough."

Olivia let Brian drag her with him towards the water, which was colder than she had expected but at least she was wide awake now. It was almost unreal to be out here in the sun after leaving New York in the winter. But she loved the sun on her skin and floated on her back in the sea for a while. Until Brian suddenly came up from under the water and pulled her under with him. She came back up sputtering and protesting.

"When are you ever gonna grow up?" she asked him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and he grinned widely.

"Never. Men don't grow up Liv. That's why we need a good woman beside us," he said very seriously before bursting out laughing again.

She gave him a playful shove but Brian didn't let go of her. He clearly had other plans and was toying with the bikini straps on her back while kissing her neck gently.

"So ..." Olivia said, suppressing a giggle. "I'm really your nanny? In that case, you are being a bit of a naughty boy right now Brian."

He managed to untie the bikini straps on her back and pushed the bright yellow fabric up, placing a hand over her bare left breast under water. Olivia glanced around but nobody was watching them. She didn't have any intention of going along with Brian's plans in public though, and tried to convince him to stop. But Brian took a deep breath and disappeared under water. Olivia gasped when she felt his warm mouth and tongue on her breast and his other hand squeezing her other breast. Her bikini top was now floating on the water, dangling from her neck loosely. She grabbed the back of Brian's head, trying to pry him off her but she had to admit she was getting a little aroused.

Brian resurfaced and held her close to him so nobody could see her state of undress.

"Bri, not here," she whispered in his neck and he laughed again.

"You wanna head back to the hotel then?"

"I think you need to sit on the naughty stool for a while Cassidy," she murmered.

"Only if you sit in my lap, nanny Benson," Brian retorted, lifting her up a little so she could wrap her legs around him and feel the clear proof of his arousal pressing against her.

She managed to convince him to put her top back on and cool off for a bit before they headed back. It wasn't quite dinner time yet and after taking a shower, Brian wondered out loud how on earth they would pass the time until dinner was served in the hotel restaurant downstairs. He grinned at her and she sauntered over to him.

"I have a few ideas," she said, looking him over. He was dressed in nothing but a white hotel towel.

"I think I will like my nanny's ideas," Brian replied with a grin.

Olivia pulled his towel off and smacked his bare butt with a flat hand.

"Are you spanking me? Two can play that game," Brian told her ominously and she yelped when he picked her up and threw her on the bed rather unceremoniously.

She was only wearing a long t-shirt after her shower and Brian had no trouble getting it up and over her head quickly. He licked his lips when he hovered over her naked body on the bed and kissed her softly before reaching for the nightstand. Olivia put a hand on his arm though and he looked at her.

"Bri. Do you really need that? You don't have to on my account."

She looked up at him intently, gauging his reaction. Would he know why she was asking him not to use a condom this time? Brian dropped to his side next to her, a serious expression on his face.

"Liv, I always wear 'em. Why would you ask me not to? Is there something you wanna tell me?"

Olivia hesitated. Somehow she had the feeling that Brian had never really thought about having a family. They had agreed that they didn't want to grow old alone but starting a family was something entirely different than keeping each other company. And while she didn't think Brian was going anywhere soon, it would still be a huge commitment. She propped herself up on one elbow and caressed his chest and shoulder with her other hand. He really was a handsome, well-built man and she could imagine a smaller version of him being quite the ladies magnet from an early age.

"Liv?" Brian asked again. "Are you trying to tell me you would like to have a baby with me?"

She looked into his eyes, searching them for a reaction to the idea of having a child. He was frowning a little and when she lowered her gaze he dipped his head to maintain eye contact. He stroked her arm gently and she could tell he was struggling to find the right words to say to her. He didn't want to hurt her but before he spoke, she already knew. He didn't want a child.

"I've been thinking ..." she admitted before he could say it out loud, "and I don't think I've put that scenario behind me completely yet. Of having a family."

Brian turned on his back and put an arm over his eyes.

"Talk about a mood killer," he sighed. "I'm 44 Liv. And with my lifestyle ... _our_ lifestyle. I can't see that happening."

He looked up at her and saw the hurt in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I just don't see myself as a dad. Never have, actually."

Olivia nodded, biting her lip and trying to process what this would mean for her. For them. Was it time to finally close that door forever? Or should she go on without Brian? If she did, where would she find a man willing to give her a child? She was 43 and had been turned down for adoption. She was quickly running out of time and her greatest fear was to die alone. She wasn't alone now. There was a naked man lying in bed next to her who was willing to stick around.

She forced a smile and moved so her face was close to Brian's.

"I think you would have been a great daddy Brian. But we don't have to talk about this now."

She put a hand on his chest again and moved it lower slowly until Brian finally reacted. He looked up at her and she could see some sadness in his eyes.

"I don't want you to think you don't have any options Liv. I mean ... I don't want to lose you but if you really want this ... I don't want to get in your way."

Olivia blinked a few times, telling herself not to start crying. She didn't know how to react to Brian's words. He really cared about her and would let her go if she needed to go to be happy. She leaned in to kiss him and suppressed a sob when he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her on top of him.

"I love you Olivia," he told her earnestly. "And I want you to be happy."

"I know."

She kissed him again and then reached for the nightstand to grab a condom. She handed it to him.

"Make me happy Brian."

He kissed her nose and smiled warmly before tearing the condom wrapper open with his teeth.

"Yes ma'am."

...

They spent the rest of their vacation leisurely. The subject of having a baby never came up again. Olivia thought about it a lot but decided not to mention it again. It would only create tension between them and they had come here to relax. To recharge before their jobs would suck all of their energy out of them again. She felt a little sad but managed to distract herself and enjoy their time off. Aside from a passionate lover, Brian was being a perfect gentleman. She thought he might be feeling a little guilty and was trying to make up for the fact that he didn't want a baby. She appreciated the effort but knew she wasn't done thinking about it, and about their future. Brian knew it too. They just didn't talk about it.

...

 **February 2013, Santa Cruz CA**

Dr. Myers greeted him cordially and ushered him into his conference room.

"Elliot, it's good to see you again. Please sit down. What can I do for you today?"

Elliot sat across from his therapist and scrubbed a hand across his face. He wasn't sure if he was really ready for this but he didn't know what else to do. After their ice skating adventure, Olivia had been on his mind more than ever. He knew she'd been on vacation with Brian and they had texted after she'd returned to New York, but they hadn't seen each other again before he had to go back to Santa Cruz. This was his first appointment with Dr. Meyers after they had returned from their trip to New York well over a month ago. Elliot took a deep breath and breathed out slowly. He looked at his therapist and nodded.

"I think it's time I told you about Olivia."

He hadn't really prepared what he was going to say, but once he got started, the words just seem to come to him without effort. He told his therapist about how he'd met Olivia and about their partnership. About her personal issues and his, and how they had dealt with those over the years. With each others' issues mostly. About how they had always looked out for each other, had put their lives and even their careers on the line for each other. How much respect Olivia had always had for his marriage, and how much she had loved his kids. How she still did and was going to be his first grandchild's godmother.

"She is a big part of your lives," Dr. Myers concluded and Elliot nodded.

"A very big part."

Dr. Myers waited for him to continue. He was getting to the more difficult part. Elliot cleared his throat and tried to choose his next words carefully.

"Olivia and I became so close over the years and we complemented each other so perfectly, that I ... I'm not sure how I can keep going without her in my life."

Elliot blew out a breath slowly and tried to keep his hands from shaking too much. it wasn't easy for him to finally put this into words. To make them real and tell someone about it.

Dr. Myers understood. Olivia wasn't really out of Elliot's life completely but the doctor understood what he meant. His next question shouldn't have been a surprise to Elliot. It still hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Are you in love with Olivia?"

...

 **A/N: I know it's a bit short but as soon as I wrote the last line, I knew it was the perfect place to end this chapter. Isn't it? (wink wink)  
I usually update within a few days so you won't have to wait long for El's answer.**  
 **Leave your thoughts in the box below!**


	16. Confessions

**Alright, I was going to post this in two parts but decided to make one looong chapter out of it. Enjoy!**

...

16.

 _"Are you in love with Olivia?"_

Elliot took another breath. He felt like he had to defend himself.

"I do love my wife," he started.

"I don't doubt that Elliot, and I'm not here to judge you. Remember that, okay?"

Elliot nodded. His palms were sweaty and he rubbed his hands over his thighs.

"So, back to the question. Are you in love with Olivia? Because if you are, I want you to know I fully understand the conflict that would create for you."

Elliot made a helpless gesture with his hands before dropping them in his lap.

"I thought that ... putting some distance between us would make things easier," he explained.

"And?"

He shook his head.

"It's not easier. At all. It's like it's getting more difficult in stead."

"What exactly is more difficult?"

"Seeing her again and then having to say goodbye again."

"Do you see each other often?"

"No ... once every few months or so. We text mostly, and talk on the phone."

"What do you talk about?"

He should have known that his therapist would have a lot of questions but it was hard for him to answer all of them. What did they talk about? All kinds of things. His kids, her job. Her love life even, however difficult that was for him.

"Is Olivia in a relationship? I thought you said she was single before."

"She was," Elliot said. "but she hooked up with another cop last year. They've been together for about eight months now I believe."

Dr. Myers nodded and wrote something down on his notepad before asking his next question.

"And how does that make you feel?"

Elliot laughed. How did it make him feel that Olivia was with Cassidy? That she was sleeping with him? It made him feel sick. It made him want to hit something or someone each time he thought about it. But he didn't tell his therapist that. He sighed.

"It's her life. She can do whatever she wants with it."

"That is not an answer to my question Elliot. And you haven't answered my first question yet either. Are you in love with Olivia, and how does it make you feel that she is in a relationship with someone else?"

Elliot stood up and started pacing. He didn't want to betray his vows, not even by admitting to a relative stranger that he had feelings for his former partner. But he did. And while he had honestly expected things to get easier after moving to the west coast, he found himself falling in love with her more every time he saw her. He still dreamed about her angelic face, enjoying the sun when they had been out ice skating. He still remembered the feeling of her lips against his and even remembered what she had smelled like at that moment.

"Yes!" he finally said, rather loudly. "Yes, I'm in love with her. I've loved her for years. And it makes me feel like shit to know that she's with someone else now."

He took a few more large steps before dropping down onto his chair again.

"But it's not fair to her. I'm married. I've been with someone else for as long as we've known each other. She told me that a while ago and I realized that she's right."

He slumped back in the chair and covered his eyes with one hand.

Dr. Myers processed silently what Elliot had just told him.

"So ..." he said pensively after half a minute, "you've spoken with Olivia about your feelings for her?"

Elliot grinned and looked up at the ceiling. Had he spoken with her about it? Like most things, it was more what was left unspoken between them than what had actually been said. He tried to explain that to Dr. Myers but he realized that _they_ weren't very easy to explain to an outsider. While leaving the kiss out, he told him about their conversation on Maureen's back porch, which had led him to believe she'd had the same feelings for him.

"And now?" Dr. Myers asked. "She _is_ in a relationship now. Do you think she's left it behind her?"

Elliot shook his head.

"No. That man's no good for her."

"That's your opinion."

"He's not the love of her life. She admitted that much to me."

"And you are?"

Elliot couldn't answer that question. It was another one of those things that was left unspoken. He wanted to be. And she had alluded to it, when she'd emphasized that at least Brian was there, in New York. As opposed to him. But she hadn't said that last bit out loud. How could he explain to this man how he and Olivia communicated without words? He tried to explain it but he wasn't sure Dr. Myers was getting it.

"I think you two need to start communicating _with_ words," he commented rather dryly and Elliot smiled despite his frustration. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.

"But, regardless of where you and Olivia stand, you will need to deal with your feelings for her and with the state of your marriage."

He knew that. He couldn't continue pretending everything was fine when it wasn't. And whether Olivia would want to be with him or not, he needed to acknowledge that.

"I know Kathy is happy here," Elliot said. "She's really blossoming and I'm happy for her that she's doing so well now. I think she would be alright now on her own."

Dr. Myers nodded but said nothing, giving him room to put his thoughts into words.

"I'm not happy here and if I'm being really honest, I'd want to move back to New York."

He took another deep breath, struggling with what had been on his mind ever since he'd said goodbye to Olivia again.

"But ... I ... I can't leave my little boy ..."

His voice broke on the last word and he covered his face with his hands. He'd shown his pain before in previous sessions, mostly when they had discussed his father. But this was even more painful. This was about his son. He had told Dr. Myers about his marriage to Kathy, that had started with a pregnancy which had made him step up and take responsibility. He had told him about their struggles to stay together, building a relationship that had not started out of love but out of obligation. And about the last pregnancy after two years of separation. Things had never been really easy for the couple but Elliot considered each one of his five children as a gift. And even though Eli had not been planned, he was especially grateful for the chance to do things right for his youngest son. He didn't want to wreck that and he was torn.

Dr. Myers understood. It was his job to dissect these kinds of situations and the emotions involved, but Elliot had the feeling that the man really did understand on a personal level what he was struggling with. And it actually helped to talk about it. There was still some ground to cover and obviously he had some decisions to make. They scheduled a new appointment for the next week and Elliot walked out of the therapist's office with very mixed emotions. Admitting that he was in love with Olivia had been a big step. Regardless of how things were going to pan out, he would need to do something about it. Starting with Kathy.

...

 **New York City**

Brian was being prepped for the Ganzel trial and he was a little on edge. Olivia could tell he didn't like Barba very much. They were lying in bed, cuddled up together while waiting for their Thai food, but Brian didn't seem to be able to relax.

"Just remember you're on the same team Bri," Olivia told him. "Barba really is a good guy and he's very good at his job. Don't worry about it."

"I do worry about this trial Liv," Brian said somewhat agitatedly. "The defense is gonna drag me through the mud. You're not gonna like what you hear."

He gave her a kiss on the forehead and lay back on his back, staring at the ceiling. He was probably right. She knew he'd been involved with Carissa, the escort that had ended up dead in their Captain's bed. And Carissa probably wasn't the only prostitute he'd been with while undercover. After some deliberation at IAB, this affair had recently resulted in his demotion back to officer and he was now working night shifts at a courthouse. Playing the part convincingly in an undercover operation meant the UC's had to walk a thin line sometimes, and possible had to cross some lines not to break their cover. She knew female UC's would never be put on the spot like that but she could see it happening with male operatives. It did bother her a bit and she understood why Brian was worried about what she might hear about him. She could only hope it hadn't happened again after they got together. At least now he wouldn't be in these undercover situations anymore.

She caressed his chest with her hand, hoping to distract him a little, when there was a knock on the door. Brian quickly put on his pants and a tank top, grabbing some cash to pay the delivery man for the Thai food. Olivia waited in the bedroom but slipped into Brian's shirt when she heard several voices at the front door. She called him, wondering if there was a discussion about money, but he called back,

"I got this, it's taken care of!"

She got her wallet anyway when she heard the people at the door continuing to talk to Brian, and walked into the hallway just when Brian wanted to close the door.

"Hey, you need change?"

Then she saw who were at the door, and they saw her as well. Nick and Munch. _Well shit_.

"Liv?" Nick said, utter disbelief written all over his face.

"Hey guys."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. This was not how she wanted her co-workers to find out about her and Brian. She wasn't worried about Munch but Nick was another matter. Brian sent them both away, having no intention of explaining to them why Olivia was with him, and scarcely clad at that. Olivia was a little rattled though. While it was nobody's business who she spent her free time with, she knew Nick would be a problem. She didn't know why they had even come over to his apartment and neither did Brian. It had to be about the Ganzel case, since it was the only SVU case Brian was connected to. They tried not to worry about it but Brian was even quieter than before for the rest of the evening. He had to report for duty at midnight and she let him go reluctantly after he had kissed her goodnight. Their secret was out and she wasn't sure how their relationship would hold up with the added pressure and the upcoming trial.

...

When Olivia arrived at work the next morning, Brian was just leaving. She was surprised to see him there.

"Cassidy," she greeted him.

"Hey Liv. Long time no see."

"Yeah. Good to see ya."

He walked off immediately and Olivia walked over to Nick to find out why Brian had been at the precinct.

"Nick, what's going on?"

"You should ask him."

Right. Nick was pissed but she wasn't taking the bait.

"Okay."

Just as she turned around to walk away from him, Nick asked,

"Really? You and Cassidy?"

She turned back around and decided to tell him off right away.

"A, I didn't tell you, because it's none of your business. And, B, it's not that big of a deal. And C Nick, I didn't tell you because I didn't want _this_."

With that, she left him and walked off to call Brian.

...

He was being accused of rape. She was shocked. He wouldn't, she was sure of it. And then the prosecution started building a case. They were on a fast track no less. And the evidence ... she had to admit it was convincing. If it had been anyone other than her own boyfriend ... Olivia was torn. If he'd been any other suspect and she'd had him in the box with this evidence, she would have gone at him without hesitation or doubt. But this was Brian. _Her_ Brian.

Against her better judgment, she called Elliot. She was perfectly aware that he wouldn't back up Brian blindly but she needed to talk to someone that wasn't somehow connected to the cases. Brian was angry because he sensed that she wasn't one hundred percent sure of his innocence. Nick was just plain angry. Barba was being his meticulous self, which she now found quite annoying. Munch would back up his old partner and she could have talked to him, but she dialed Elliot's number anyway. It was past midnight in New York so it would be a little after nine pm on the west coast and she hoped Elliot would be available to talk. He answered on the third ring.

"Hey, what's up Liv?"

She could hear people talking in the background. He had visitors.

"El ... I hope this isn't a bad time. I really need to talk to you."

Olivia sank into the cushions of her couch, closing her eyes and rubbing her forehead to ward off the beginning of a headache.

"Okay," she heard Elliot say and she thought she heard him walk into a different room and close the door. "I wanted to talk to you too but you go first. What's on your mind?"

Olivia was so relieved that he was available to listen to her that she almost felt like crying. She quickly explained to Elliot what had happened over the past few days and how her involvement with Brian was now out it the open because of a rape charge against him.

"The Grand Jury convenes tomorrow and I'm scared El," she confessed.

"You don't think he's guilty do you? Even if maybe he didn't know it at the time?"

She honestly didn't know what to think anymore. The girl making the allegations was very credible and there were witnesses. She was able to describe in great detail a scar on Brian's left inner thigh. And Brian had told her he had been perfectly aware of the fact that the girl he was supposed to 'break in' didn't want to be there.

"He claims they just talked and he kept her in the room that long to make sure she wouldn't be punished."

"He claims? Liv, to be honest, that doesn't sound like you are convinced he's telling the truth."

She knew Elliot was right. She was very grateful that he wasn't bashing Brian, since he didn't like him, but he was forcing her to look in the mirror. She _wanted_ to believe Brian. She knew he wouldn't knowingly have sex with someone who didn't want it but what if he hadn't known? That would mean he was lying now. She definitely didn't want to believe that. And how could the girl know about his scar? Olivia let out a shaky sigh which conveyed a lot more to Elliot than any answer could have.

"Liv, I'm sorry but you'll just have to let this play out. I do understand that Brian would be angry with you. I don't know what I'd do if I thought you believed I was capable of such a thing."

"You would _never_ do that Elliot," Olivia was quick to say. "Ever. I'm certain of that."

He was silent for a short while, allowing her to let her own words sink in. She was certain of Elliot but she had some doubts about Brian. What did that tell her? She was suddenly extremely grateful that Brian always wore a condom when he had sex and it shocked her that she would think about that at a time like this. He hadn't touched her since this whole thing had started and he wasn't the only one who needed some distance. She did as well.

Elliot tried to reassure her, telling her to trust her gut despite any so-called evidence or witnesses and it did help to talk about it with him. Her squad was helping out behind the scenes, even Nick, but in the end, there was nothing she could do without an actual eyewitness. And there were none, as was usually the case in these he said/she saids.

Olivia had gotten up during their talk to pour herself a glass of wine and managed to relax at last, sipping her wine slowly.

"Hey El, when I called you said you needed to talk to me too. What was that about?"

"Oh that. No Liv, that can wait. Don't worry about it. I'm glad I could be here for you."

"Okay. Thanks for listening El."

"Not a problem. Call me anytime."

Olivia rubbed her forehead again after finishing her call with Elliot. She wished he was here with her now. She felt like what little security she had tried to build in her life was crumbling at her feet. If her relationship with Brian didn't survive this crisis, she would be alone once again. She felt alone already.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

Elliot sighed after they had ended the call. He had walked into their small study to talk to Olivia and didn't feel like going back into the living room. Kathy was having some friends over unexpectedly and it didn't look like they were leaving any time soon. Two days after his session with Dr. Myers he had asked Kathy if they could talk but she hadn't had time to sit down with him yet. It was either a late shift or a school thing, or she was tired or Eli needed her attention. All in all, it had been over a week now.

He wasn't sure yet what he was going to tell Kathy but he wanted her to know he wasn't thriving here in California the way she was. He didn't want to just up and leave and there was Eli to consider too, but he needed Kathy to at least realize that he wasn't as happy as she was. He could only hope she'd noticed it over the past year.

He walked back into the living room and sat down next to his wife. She smiled at him briefly and turned her attention back to the conversation she'd been having with her friends. It was about the hospital - what else? - and some kind of change in the staff rules and regulations that they apparently didn't agree with. Elliot couldn't concentrate on it and excused himself after about ten minutes, grabbed a beer from the fridge and walked outside into their modest backyard. It had been a soft day and it still wasn't cold outside. He sat down in one of the lounge chairs behind their house and let his thoughts run freely.

He thought about Olivia and Cassidy and their not-so-perfect relationship, the rape allegations that even he couldn't believe to be true, about his session with Dr. Myers and about what he could possibly tell Kathy once she would finally find time to talk to him. He took a swig of beer and closed his eyes.  
He startled awake when Kathy put a hand on his shoulder.

"Elliot? How long have you been out here?"

Elliot looked up at her and then around him. He'd fallen asleep and he didn't have any idea what time it was. It was completely dark already.

"I don't know Kath. I must have dozed off. What time is it?"

Kathy sat down on the small table in front of his chair, leaning her elbows on her knees. The lights from the house illuminated her face and he could see worry in her eyes as she looked at him.

"It's almost eleven. Are you alright?"

Elliot sat up straight and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. Was he alright?

"Kath, remember I told you I wanted to talk to you about something?"

"Yes," she said hesitantly and he could see she was bracing herself for whatever he was going to say next.

"Is now a good time?"

"I guess. What is this about Elliot?"

She seemed genuinely concerned and he was relieved to finally get her undivided attention. Now it was a matter of choosing the right words to tell her what he needed to tell her. He cleared his throat and leaned forward a bit, resting his forearms on his thighs.

"Alright. You know I went to see Dr. Myers again the other day."

Kathy nodded.

"Yes. You told me you were making progress but after a while you kind of stalled. I was a little surprised you went back to see him now."

He wanted to be honest with her and explained that his therapy had stalled because he wasn't ready to acknowledge something.

"And what was that, Elliot?"

"I ... I've seen you come to life since we moved here and you went back to work. And I'm really happy for you that you are thriving here."

"But?"

Kathy sat up straight and put her hands on her knees. Aside from worry about him he could now see some fear in her eyes as well.

"I ... am not thriving here."

It didn't hit her as hard as he had expected. Kathy just nodded, looked down at her hands for a moment and then back up into his eyes.

"I had a feeling you weren't. I guess I kept hoping you'd adjust."

"You knew?"

She nodded again.

"Yes Elliot. We may not have been the perfect couple over the years but I did actually get to know you pretty well at some level. So yes, I knew you weren't completely happy here."

"But you are."

Kathy looked down at her hands again and sighed.

"I am and ... I've been feeling guilty about that."

"Guilty?"

Elliot realized once again how little he really knew his wife of almost thirty years. She hadn't shown any signs of feeling guilty. At least not that he'd noticed. Maybe it was him, maybe it was her. Or maybe it was the both of them.

"I knew you weren't really happy with your new life Elliot, and I kept going and doing my own thing anyway. I've been selfish."

He could see tears welling in her eyes and reached out a hand to put it on her knee.

"Kathy, you're not selfish. You've dedicated your whole life to taking care of others. You've sacrificed so much, so many years. There's not a selfish bone in your body. If anyone has been selfish over the years, it was me."

He really meant that. He'd chosen his job over his family so many times. He'd run out of the house or simply not come home because of an emergency more often than he cared to remember, leaving Kathy alone to deal with their kids. He'd even left the house because Olivia needed him. Those had been his most selfish moments. He'd always denied it when Kathy asked him if he'd rather spend time with Olivia than with his wife and kids. He had maintained that it was work, and that the victims needed them. It hadn't been the whole truth though, and he'd known it. And Kathy had known it. She wasn't the selfish one, he was. He honestly wanted Kathy to be happy and he didn't want to ruin things for her by moving them back to New York. He wasn't sure what they should do, but right now, he just needed Kathy to know about it.

She appreciated his honesty and they talked for over an hour. About their lives together, how it had all started and how their marriage had evolved over time. How she had been ready to move on without him but could never really let him go. How he had never been one to not finish what he had started. It had made him keep on going, even though at times it would have been so much easier - and maybe wiser - just to throw in the towel and give up. He never gave up and it made her not want to give up either. Somewhere during their talk Elliot pulled her into his lap and they ended up crying together, Kathy's head resting on his shoulder. Elliot put a hand on her wet cheek and smiled at her when she looked at him.

"Hey. We must have done something right though. Look at our kids. They are turning out perfect aren't they?"

Kathy also smiled through her tears.

"Yeah. And now we're going to be grandparents. We must have done something right."

Elliot wrapped his arms around his wife and held her tight. He didn't know what their next step should be and neither did Kathy. She rested her head on his shoulder again.

"Elliot, what about Eli?" she asked him softly.

He sighed.

"I don't know Kathy."

...

 **Review?**


	17. Set in motion

17.

 **March 2013, New York City**

Brian's trial continued and Olivia could tell Nick was trying very hard not to say anything on the stand that might damage Brian. She appreciated his effort. He'd been called as a witness for the prosecution because he was the one catching Heather's statement. He was also questioned about his extensive experience as an undercover agent and was completely blindsided when Brian's attorney confronted him with his involvement with Cynthia, the sister of a drug kingpin he'd been investigating undercover. Nick was shocked to see the woman suddenly walk into the courtroom and was livid with Brian. He followed Brian into the men's room and Olivia waited out in the hallway. When she saw Nick storming out again, she walked over to Brian, who came out just seconds later.

He told her about his brief 'discussion' with Nick and she was proud of how much self-control he had shown. It was his lawyer who had found out about Nick and Cynthia, not him. Desperate times called for desperate measures and Brian's attorney wanted to show the jury that not everything is cut and dry in undercover operations. Olivia believed him and went back into the courtroom to listen to Brian's testimony. She would deal with Nick later.

The DA was tearing into Brian about his prior relationship with a prostitute and Olivia got sick of hearing the word prostitute over and over again in relation to Brian. He was maintaining his innocence though, even when his lawyer started encouraging him to concede to the act, as he put it, but to explain it was 'necessary for the performance of his law enforcement duties'. Brian wouldn't go for it. He wasn't going to confess to something he didn't do.

Olivia confronted Brian with the fallout they had caused for Nick, who turned out to have a 9 year old son he didn't know anything about. The boy and his mother were living with a drug dealer who made the boy make his drops. Brian had an idea and decided to go and talk to Nick, suggesting they help each other out.

She wasn't sure how they pulled it off, but they did. Even Munch, Fin and Rollins were on board. They set up the drug dealer and Heather's boyfriend, who'd convinced Heather to report a rape after talking to Ganzel. Olivia was greatly relieved when both men were taken in and a deal could be hammered out.

It had all been Ganzel's idea and Heather and her boyfriend had gone along with it so they could sue the city afterwards and get their hands on some serious money. Ganzel had also given them the details of Brian's scar. Heather admitted that Brian never touched her and that he'd been the only one who'd been so nice to her. She had told a friend about it too and they all agreed to talk to the DA.

Olivia felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Brian was innocent. She waited for him outside the courthouse and walked up to him once she saw him come down the courthouse steps.

"Hey."

"Hey. Our little prick DA, he interviewed Heather, Heather's boyfriend Navarro, also Heather's friend that was there that night. He dropped the charge."

"So you're free."

"Yeah, I'm free to work the night shift at Bronx Courthouse," Brian said bitterly. He knew his career would never go anywhere now. "I'm damaged goods, Liv."

It didn't seem fair.

"Brian, you didn't do anything," Olivia stressed and Brian looked at her very seriously.

"Once accused, always under suspicion," he told her. "Even from you."

Olivia frowned.

"From me? What are you talking about? I believed you."

"I wish I could believe that."

With that, Brian turned around and walked away from her. It hurt. She knew he was right. She had doubted him and she shouldn't have.

"Brian, come on, what are you saying?"

He kept walking and she felt a slight panic rise up in her chest.

"Oh, what? So we're over now?" she asked, silently willing him to stop walking away from her. _Please don't leave me alone_.

"I don't know," Brian sighed as he stopped and turned around to look at her. "I don't know."

It had to be hard for him, knowing she would think him capable of forcing someone to have sex with him against their will. But he wasn't ready to let her go yet. His eyes finally lit up a little when he asked her,

"You wanna go get a drink somewhere and not talk about it?"

He smiled at her and she finally smiled as well. If he was ready to forgive her for doubting him, she wasn't walking away now. They walked away from the courthouse hand in hand. She wasn't ready to let him go yet either.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

Elliot was back in Dr. Myers' office for his next appointment and told his therapist that he had spoken with Kathy. They'd had another talk after their first one in the backyard and were trying to find some way that they could all be happy, Eli included. They weren't talking divorce necessarily, at least not yet, but they knew some changes would need to be made.

"Have you told your wife about your feelings for Olivia?" Dr. Myers asked.

"No."

"Then what _have_ you told her?"

He had told her he wasn't really happy in California and that he missed New York and his job as police officer. Olivia hadn't come up yet but Elliot told his therapist that he thought Kathy knew he missed her too because they'd always been so close. Dr. Myers tried to encourage him to tell Kathy about his feelings for his former partner. He didn't want to tell him what to do, but he should think about it. Putting his feelings into words during his previous session had already set things in motion and it would be wise to follow through now.

Elliot asked him how he should proceed. He was a little overwhelmed now that things had indeed ben set in motion.

"If you are looking for an arrangement in which you all can be happy, or happier, that really is up to you," Dr. Myers replied. "I think my role should be limited to making you face the facts and then you should deal with them as you see fit. I can't give you advice about things like living arrangements or custody of your son. That should be between you and Kathy."

The word custody shook Elliot a little. He wasn't ready to cut little Eli in half. He didn't want his son to get hurt if he and Kathy decided to split up. They hadn't even decided that at all. And the man was right. He needed to be honest to Kathy about Olivia as well. He had tried not to make this about Olivia but Dr. Myers asked him point blank if she was the reason he wanted to go back to New York. And while it wasn't the only reason, it certainly was the biggest one.

Dr. Myers asked him if he might succeed in settling down in Santa Cruz, or somewhere else other than New York City, if Olivia were there as well. Elliot realized then that, while he had considered New York to be his home his entire life, home really was where the heart was. He wanted to be a police officer again but it didn't have to be New York, as long as Olivia was with him.

"How about the boyfriend?"

Elliot had conveniently forgotten about him. He frowned and looked at Dr. Myers.

"Or do you expect her just to drop everything and run to you as soon as you return to the city?"

The man was good. Annoyingly good. The truth was, Elliot had no idea what Olivia would do if he were to show up a single man. She was making a life with Brian now and he had no right to interfere with that. He had kept other men at bay long enough and the decision to stay with Brian or not should be all hers. There was no simple solution to the situation he found himself in. If he did move back to New York, it should be just that. No mingling in Olivia's life unless she wanted him to.

One thing that was on his side right now was timing. Maureen was due to give birth in just under two weeks and they were headed to New York soon. He needed to speak with Kathy again before then. He still wasn't sure what he should and shouldn't tell her though. He didn't want to hurt her unnecessarily. They were headed for some form of separation anyway, that much had become inevitable. Did she really need to know how much of this was about Olivia?

"I think I will need to talk to Kathy about selling our house in Queens. Maybe I can start arranging that while we're over there to meet our grandchild."

He grinned at the word. Now that he had gotten used to the idea, he was immensely proud to become a grandfather. It didn't make him any older, he had a five-year old son so he was still a daddy too. And he was very happy for his daughter that she had found the love of her life and was starting a family with him.

Dr. Myers nodded and encouraged him once again to make decisions about the house, living arrangements and other things together with Kathy. Elliot had never been a fan of psychologists and psychiatrists but he was experiencing first hand now that it really did help to talk things through with someone. It was still up to him to act on whatever he discovered during his sessions, but he truly felt better now that he had admitted to the truth. He felt like things were going to change for the better now. When their session was over, he shook his therapist's hand and thanked him for everything.

"I will be back after we welcome our grandchild into the world. I hope I will be able to tell you we've taken some steps towards the future by then."

"I hope so too Elliot," Dr. Myers said sincerely. "Good luck."

...

 **New York City**

Maureen was due to deliver her baby on March 25th and Olivia had visited her twice over the past few months. The young couple was getting a bit nervous but Olivia felt that they had everything perfectly in order to receive the new little person in their home and their lives. Elliot was nervous too and she laughed when he called to let her know they were coming to the city again.

"You sound like you're the new daddy-to-be yourself El. Relax. They'll be fine," she told him.

He was happy to know she'd visited his daughter a few times and thanked her for keeping an eye out. She hadn't really visited them to keep an eye on them but she decided not to split hairs with Elliot right now. She was happy that he was coming back to the city. Things had cooled off a bit between her and Brian after their talk about babies and his trial and she found her mind drifting back to her moments with Elliot more often these days. There was the kiss on Maureen's back porch and their spontaneous ice dance when they'd been out skating with Eli. Moving with him had felt so natural to her and she knew that for a large part it had been because she trusted him implicitly. She had allowed him to take the lead and he was the only one she would allow to do that, under any circumstances. But he went back to Santa Cruz each time and it made her sad each time. She thought she had accepted a long time ago that Elliot would never be more than a friend to her, but seeing him every few months and having to say goodbye again was becoming more painful each time.

She was glad to have some company in Brian but lately that was all it was. She knew he really cared about her but they never sat down to talk anymore and seemed to live their own lives while only meeting for dinner or sex anymore, or for an evening of watching some mindless television. The last carefree days she'd spent with him had been during their vacation in the Bahamas. This wasn't the life she'd wanted but it was better than being all alone. But she missed _their_ talks. She missed watching television with _him_. She missed her friend and the silent understanding they had always had that they never needed to pretend with each other. They could spend an entire evening hardly talking, and she would always feel connected to him. Understood and accepted. When Brian hardly talked to her, she felt alone. Not understood. Barely accepted. He didn't leave for the west coast for months on end, but for the past two weeks she wondered if he was even there while he was sitting or lying right next to her.

"So, have you found out yet if you're getting a godson or a goddaughter?"

Elliot's question pulled her out of her reverie and she laughed.

"Nope. They know but they're not telling anyone. Sorry El."

"Doesn't matter," Elliot said. "as long as it's healthy."

"That's what you're supposed to say but I'm sure you have a preference."

Elliot wouldn't admit to it and she decided not to press the matter. She was pretty certain he wanted a grandson though. He brought her up to speed on their traveling arrangements and told her he'd be visiting their house in Queens as well to speak with the tenants, because they were considering selling it. Olivia let this new information sink in. He really wasn't coming back. They were selling the house, burning their bridges. She bit her lip and tried not to let it get to her too much. He'd left a long time ago. Thinking he might come back had never been realistic. She needed to face it at last. This was all they were ever going to be. Long-distance phone calls and short visits with his family. His family, not hers.

Elliot must have picked up that she was a bit shaken by the news that they were selling the house and he asked if she was okay.

"Sure. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'll explain about the house when I get there okay? I'm looking forward to seeing you again."

"Me too El," she said softly.

Just then, Brian came into the apartment and she took a deep breath. She didn't want him to see her getting emotional.

"Let me know when you're settled in at the hotel," she said before hanging up.

"Hey babe, who were you talking to?" Brian asked, planting a kiss on her forehead before walking to the fridge to grab a beer.

"That was Elliot and his wife," she told him. "Remember their daughter is due this month? They just let me know when they'll be here."

"Hm."

Brian flopped next to her on her couch and grabbed the remote. Mentioning the wife had done the trick. It didn't bother him that she had been talking to Elliot. She wondered if it bothered him at all anymore what she did and with whom. If he even cared. This definitely was not the life she had wanted.

...


	18. Josey

18.

It was a girl. A beautiful little girl with rosy cheeks, ten little fingers and ten little toes, and big blue eyes. She was perfect and was born 3 days before her due date.

"Jocelyn Katherine Coleman," Steven said proudly, "after both her grandmothers. We'll call her Josey."

Kathy was beaming, tears spilling down her cheeks. Maureen had been in labor for the better part of the day but in the end, her daughter had been born perfectly healthy. Steven handed their first grandchild to Kathy and Elliot could only stare at her. He felt exactly like he had each time he'd become a father. He walked over to the hospital bed to hug his daughter. The first baby he'd held when he was barely eighteen years old. And now she was a mother herself. It made him feel like part of something much bigger than himself. Maureen was tired but she was very happy, as was the new daddy.

They sat with the young family for about half an hour. If all the checkups continued to be positive, they would be going home the next day.

"Is Olivia coming?" Maureen asked. "I want her to meet her goddaughter."

Kathy glanced at Elliot and he wondered what she was thinking.

"Why don't we get you all home first Maureen," she suggested to her daughter. "Olivia can come visit you there tomorrow when you're settled in."

She looked at Steven for support and he nodded. Maureen's sisters had all been over too, as well as Steven's mother, and Maureen did look exhausted.

"Yes honey, you should rest now," Steven told his fiancé. "Little Josey will probably keep you up all night so you'd better try to get some sleep while you can."

Maureen agreed but told her father that she really wanted to see Olivia the next day. He promised her he'd let her know and then left her room to leave with Kathy.

"Are you going to call her tonight?" asked Kathy once they were in the hallway.

"Sure," Elliot said casually but Kathy put a hand on his arm and they stopped walking.

"You'll want to see her too, won't you?"

He knew it would be inevitable but so far, Kathy hadn't said one word about Olivia. They had talked about how they would deal with their situation and had agreed to sell the house in Queens. With the proceeds, Kathy would be able to buy a house in Santa Cruz while he would start looking for an apartment in New York. he wasn't moving out right away but wanted to have a place in New York to go to when he was there. Kathy really wanted to stay in California. They both knew they would soon spend more time apart than together but were aiming for a gradual transition into that new reality. It would be amicable and it would give them time to decide what would be best for Eli. That was still the biggest worry on Elliot's mind. How could they make this as painless as possible for their little boy?

Kathy was looking at him, waiting for an answer and he nodded.

"Of course. We're friends. You know that."

Kathy looked away and pursed her lips.

"Is she still dating that cop?"

"Yeah, she is. I think this is her longest relationship yet, at least since I've known her."

Kathy nodded slowly and Elliot started walking again. Kathy followed suit. She didn't say anything about Olivia anymore and Elliot knew it was his turn to say something. To speak up. He didn't want to hurt Kathy but he knew, deep down, that he was using that as an excuse to not have to say it. He was a coward. He didn't say anything.

They drove to Kathleen's to pick up Eli and then returned to their hotelroom. Kathy put Eli to bed and Elliot walked into the bathroom with his phone. Kathy knew he'd be calling Olivia but he wanted to be alone nonetheless. He pressed number one on speed dial and hoped he wouldn't interrupt something with Brian. Or maybe he hoped he would.

...

Olivia was still at work, in the middle of an interrogation, and couldn't pick up her phone. When she and Nick finally emerged from the interrogation room it was past midnight. She checked her phone and saw it had been Elliot calling. She checked her messages and had two texts, both from Elliot.

 _'You have a goddaughter and she wants to meet you tomorrow. E.'_

She smiled. A girl. Then she read the second message, which had been sent fifteen minutes later.

 _'Call me when you can?'_

Olivia didn't think it would be wise to call him at this hour. Surely Kathy wouldn't appreciate that. She went home and just wanted to take a shower and sleep. She texted Elliot that she would call in the morning. Brian wasn't at her place and she was actually relieved. She was looking forward to meeting Elliot's granddaughter. And the proud granddad, of course. But each time she saw Elliot, it made her happy and sad at the same time. She didn't know how many times she could say goodbye to him before it would simply hurt too much. And now they were selling the house. This time, their goodbye would be even more final.

Olivia climbed into bed and sighed. Her tired body needed to rest. A stray tear found its way down her cheek and she didn't wipe it away. A sob followed and her shoulders started shaking. And then it was all coming out. The strain of the job, the intense interrogation of the day that had gone on for hours, they joy over the birth of a healthy little girl and the pain over the death of another young girl who'd been snatched away from her parents by a confused man earlier that week. The loneliness that had crept back into her life despite Brian's presence and the heartache of losing another little piece of her best friend each time she saw him. She cried because she was finally alone and _could_ cry. It wasn't the best way to start her weekend but it actually felt good to let it all out. At least she felt something now, in stead of the numbness that had been taking over her days. She cried herself to sleep. Tomorrow, she would start fresh and be the happy godmother.

...

They caught a new case early that Saturday and Olivia was off interviewing frat boys all morning because a girl had been gang-raped on campus during hell week. By 2 pm she finally managed to leave for a while, while the rest of the squad put all the witness statements together. Cragen understood that she wanted to greet her new goddaughter and let her go. She would need to come back later though.

Olivia hadn't been her best that morning. Her eyes were puffy even after a long shower but work had been a proper distraction from her own sadness. She went home quickly to freshen up and texted Elliot that she was on her way to Maureen's.

The proud new papa opened the door even before she could knock and welcomed her in. She congratulated him and handed him her gifts for their newborn. She'd spent hours in the stores, finding the perfect little baby outfits that would suit both boys and girls. One tiny dress had caught her eye and she hadn't been able to resist it. It was what she would buy for her own daughter ... She had wrapped it quickly that morning and had put it the bag with the other gifts. The baby would look adorable in it.

Maureen was sitting comfortably on the couch in the living room with her little bundle of joy in her arms. Kathy had been busy in the kitchen and came in with a tray of cup cakes with pink frosting and colorful sprinkles. Both women smiled at each other by way of greeting. Eli came running in from behind his mother and ran up to Olivia.

"Liv, come see Josey! I'm an uncle!" he yelled excitedly.

He grabbed her hand and dragged her over to the couch so she could sit next to Maureen. Eli climbed in Olivia's lap and pointed at the baby.

"That's my niece," he explained. "She's sleeping. I am her uncle Eli."

"You sure are, uncle Eli," Olivia said, pulling the young boy closer to her. "And your niece is so beautiful."

She gave Maureen a kiss on the cheek and Maureen thanked her for coming so quickly.

"Do you want to hold her?" she asked the godmother of her firstborn.

Olivia didn't want to push Eli aside for his little niece and hesitated, but he surprised her when he hopped off her lap right away.

"Yes, Liv has to hold Josey and we can take a picture."

She smiled at the excited young boy and reached for little Josey.

"Dad!" Eli yelled, running towards the stairs. "Daddy, where are you? We need the camera!"

Olivia heard Elliot walking down the stairs while she placed Josey in her lap carefully, making sure her warm blanket was fitted securely around her tiny body.

"Yeah yeah," Elliot huffed, coming into the room with a camera in his hand. "I was just transferring the pictures to the computer. The memory card was full already so ..."

He stopped mid-sentence when he saw Olivia sitting on the couch, holding his granddaughter in her arms. She was just lifting the baby up to kiss her little forehead and the image hit Elliot square in the stomach. She looked up at him, smiling, and he needed to snap out of it. Everyone was looking at him now and he was fully aware of Kathy in his peripheral vision.

"Hey," he managed to say. "You're here already."

"Yeah, and we have to take a picture daddy," Eli said again, tugging at his arm impatiently. "Can I do it?"

Elliot squatted next to his son, grateful for the distraction, and helped him point the camera at Maureen, Olivia and Josey. He watched his son as he attempted to keep the camera steady and snapped a few extra pictures just in case, and a few with Eli sitting next to Olivia. Seeing Olivia holding the little baby had shaken him in a way he hadn't expected. He hadn't slept much and was a little overwhelmed to see his daughter as a mother and to meet his granddaughter, so he chalked it up to being overly emotional under the circumstances. But deep down, he knew better. Olivia seemed to be ignoring him for now though, and was admiring her goddaughter. Josey was just waking up and he walked over to stand behind the couch to watch his granddaughter open her eyes.

She had dark blue eyes and Olivia thought they would probably become lighter in a few weeks, just like all the Stabler kids' eyes. Josey frowned and blinked slowly a few times, and started moving her little arms. Olivia stroked her little fingers and smiled. Each baby was an amazing miracle, so tiny yet equipped with everything she would ever need already.

"She's perfect," Olivia told Maureen softly.

Elliot leaned down behind her, placing his forearms on the back of the couch to take a closer look at his granddaughter and Olivia could feel his warm breath brush her cheek when he said,

"She's just as perfect as her mother."

Steven chimed in, agreeing with his father-in-law and sat down on the armrest of the chair to wrap an arm around Maureen, who was smiling from ear to ear.

"I'm the luckiest man on the planet."

"And we are lucky to have you in our family Steven," Kathy told him.

Kathy had sat down on one of two armchairs across from the couch after arranging all the pink cup cakes on the coffee table, and Olivia glanced at her. Despite the happy occasion, she had a feeling there was something different about Kathy. She seemed a little melancholic. Perhaps it was just because her daughter now had her own daughter. These life events had a way of triggering a trip down memory lane.

Olivia didn't have a memory lane for this occasion though. She wasn't there when her half-brother Simon was born into a family that wasn't hers, and she wasn't there when his daughter Olivia was born. Her niece had been a year old before she had even met her. Elliot's was still the closest thing she had to a family. She hoped that she would still be welcome in his childrens' homes, even when he wouldn't be around anymore. After selling the house and probably buying a new one in California, she expected to see even less of him. She kept her eyes on little Josey, trying not to wallow in self-pity too much on this happy occasion. When the little girl started to become restless, she had to hand her back to Maureen though, so she could nurse her.

After Maureen had retreated to the nursery, Olivia accepted a cup of coffee and a cup cake. Elliot sat down in the second armchair across from the couch. Kathy made some small talk and Elliot watched the polite exchange between the two women. Again, Eli was providing a welcome distraction and it warmed his heart to see how close his son was to Olivia. He had gotten his crayons and was making a drawing for his new niece. Olivia was capable of giving Eli her undivided attention and still manage to keep some kind of conversation going with Kathy and Steven. And clearly, Eli adored her. He could tell that Kathy was noticing too and he watched his wife while she spoke quietly about her new job, which Olivia had asked about. There was a mutual respect between the two women and he couldn't help wondering if that would change if he were to confess to Kathy that he was in love with Olivia. Right now, however, he didn't even know how to confess his feeling to Olivia herself. She was still with Brian after all.

As if on cue, Kathy asked his former partner about her boyfriend. How he hated that word. Olivia glanced at him and he startled a bit. He shouldn't be sitting there, daydreaming, he should participate in the conversation.

"Brian is doing fine," he heard her say. "He isn't happy that he's been assigned to nightshifts but at least he still has a job."

Kathy hadn't been filled in and she glanced at him as well, a slight reproach in her eyes that she didn't know what Olivia was alluding to. Olivia looked at him again.

"Oh, you don't know ..." Olivia concluded. "He's ehm ... had some trouble and was demoted a while ago. It's a shame really. He's a good cop."

"I'm sorry to hear that Olivia. He's lucky to have you though. I'm sure you pulled him through."

Both Elliot and Olivia knew this wasn't true. She and Brian hadn't been the same since his trial and she hadn't pulled him through at all. Olivia nodded, smiling slightly and turned her attention back to Eli, who had been sitting on his knees at the coffee table, making his drawing.

"It's for Josey," Eli told her and he started pointing out what he had drawn. "This is Maureen and Steven with Josey and this is me. And there's daddy and you with your guns. And there's mommy at the hospital."

Elliot could tell Olivia was touched to be included in the picture. Somewhere along the line, Eli had picked up on the fact that his dad had also been a police officer, together with Olivia. He noticed Olivia was actually wearing her gun and badge right now. She was on duty? He was slightly disappointed. He had hoped they could talk so he could explain to her why they were selling the house. Maybe it was for the best though. He could bring her up to speed when he had carried out more of his plans. They would be in town for at least a week. Kathy wanted to help Maureen with the baby the first few days while he made arrangements to put the house up for sale. He wanted to start scouting for a place of his own too. And they hadn't even told the children yet. And this was hardly the time to do that.

Olivia got up after about an hour, telling them she really needed to get back to work. She said goodbye to Josey, who was sleeping in her crib, and to her proud but tired parents who made her promise she would visit again soon. She then said goodbye to Eli and Kathy, and Elliot walked her out.

"She's really beautiful," Olivia told him as she stepped through the front door. "Grandpa."

Her eyes twinkled when she called him that and he laughed.

" _That_ will take some getting used to," he admitted, smiling, "but she is beautiful. I'm proud to be her grandpa."

"You wear it well El," she told him with a grin.

"Will I see you again this week?" he asked.

She didn't know and she wondered why things were suddenly a little awkward between them. She felt like there was something he wasn't telling her and she looked at him questioningly.

"Why? You need me for something?"

Elliot shook his head.

"No. No reason, just wondering," he replied vaguely.

Olivia raised an eyebrow and gave him her cop stare.

"Sure. Well, call me if you change your mind."

With that, she was off and he watched her leave. He didn't have anything concrete to tell her right now anyway, he told himself. She'd know soon enough once he found a place in New York again.

...


	19. Communication

**Please read this first:  
\- There was a glitch when I uploaded chapter 17 and the stats have seemed off to me for that chapter. I hope you've all read it before reading chapter 18? There is a small reference to chapter 17 in this new chapter.  
\- When I'm on a roll with a story, I tend to update quickly (ie once every 1-3 days). I hope everyone is keeping up?  
**

 **Well, on to chapter 19 now. This chapter i** **s supposed to reflect how poorly our two favorite detectives still communicate.** **I'm not completely content about how it turned out. Please forgive me, I'll do better after this!**

19.

 **April, 2013**

Olivia had been spending more evenings alone. Brian was working extra because he was saving up some money. He wanted to get a bigger place to live. His apartment was even smaller than hers and she wondered if he would ask her to move in with him. But they hardly spent any time together anymore. Surely, they'd have to talk about that soon.

Her job was to blame as well though. She'd been making ridiculous hours and had to cancel on him a few times herself. She did manage to visit her little goddaughter again in between shifts and was touched to see she was wearing the little dress she had bought for her. Josey was four weeks old already and was doing really well. Maureen was managing very well with the baby although she did miss her mother, who'd left ten days after Josey was born. Kathy had a job to get back to.

"Your mom's very happy over there, isn't she?" Olivia asked the eldest of the Stabler girls.

"Yeah, it's really great for her. We do miss them of course but we're all very happy for mom that she can finally do something for herself now."

Olivia wanted to ask Maureen about her father but wondered if that would be inappropriate. Before she could make a decision one way or the other, Maureen continued.

"You know, it's a pity that dad couldn't find his groove over there. But you know that of course. I know he talks to you about stuff."

Olivia frowned. Elliot had mentioned once that he missed the job, but she thought he was working on that in Santa Cruz. Maureen had watched her facial expression change and deduced that he hadn't told her he wasn't happy in Santa Cruz.

"Well, maybe he didn't say anything because you have a _boyfriend_ ," Maureen said, stressing the word boyfriend as if she had her own thoughts about her relationship with Brian.

Olivia frowned again.

"What about my boyfriend? What does he have to do with anything?" she asked.

Maureen rolled her eyes and it was the first time Olivia thought the young woman actually looked like her father.

"Sheesh Olivia ..." Maureen sighed before getting up from the couch to check on her daughter.

When Maureen returned, Olivia waited for her to continue. She felt like she was missing out on something big here and hoped Maureen could clarify things for her. Seeing the expectant look on Olivia's face, Maureen sighed again and shook her head.

"And you two are supposed to be the best detectives in the city," she muttered. "You honestly don't know why dad wants to move back to New York?"

He wanted to move back to New York? Olivia was confused. Just now, Maureen was gushing over how happy Kathy was over there and how much she deserved it. Her heart rate had picked up slightly though. Could it be ...

"They're moving back here?"

She hated how shaky her voice had sounded and could only hope that Maureen hadn't noticed. Surely, she had misunderstood. They weren't coming back.

"Not them. He is. Part-time at least."

She was certain her heart had just stopped for a moment, only to start back up faster than before. _He_ was coming back? Alone?

"I can't believe he didn't tell you. He's such a birdbrain sometimes. You do know they're selling the house?" Maureen asked.

That she did know. But she thought it was because they were buying a house in California. He never said that though.

"Please Maureen. Elliot hasn't said a word. Fill me in here."

...

She couldn't believe it. Elliot was actually looking for a new place in New York. She had no idea why he hadn't mentioned it to her. She had drawn her own conclusions when he told her they were selling the house but they turned out to be completely wrong.  
Olivia was home alone, as was normal these days, but she couldn't concentrate on the documentary that was on TV. When she left Maureen's she still felt like there was something Maureen wasn't telling her. She had alluded to the reason Elliot was returning, at least part-time for now, but she had left that for Olivia to figure out. She didn't dare think it might have something to do with her. Maureen said it had been a long time coming and that she had even been surprised that her father had moved to California at all. But him being the responsible guy he'd always been, he'd tried. She shook her head and sighed. Part of her wanted to call him right away and ask him what was going on but she felt like he should be the one to tell her. Wasn't he?

She jumped slightly when her phone rang and was actually somewhat disappointed to see that it was Brian calling. She answered quickly though. Brian wanted to come over. He told her he was downstairs already and he'd be up in a minute. Maybe it would be a good distraction. They needed to talk anyway.

But Brian wasn't in the mood to talk. He kissed her roughly as soon as she got up to greet him, and she protested a little.

"Bri, what's wrong?" she asked, pushing him away from her a few inches.

He leaned his forehead against hers, moving his hands beneath her t-shirt while he said,

"I don't see you enough Liv."

Olivia moved to grab his hands and took them in hers, away from her body.

"I know Bri. I'm not sure if this is the answer though. You _have_ to see me with your hands?"

He looked at her now and the seriousness in his eyes struck her. She put a hand to his cheek.

"Hey," she said softly. "what's wrong? Tell me."

He shook his head and wrapped his arms around her again. If she didn't know any better she'd think he had a guilty conscience ... A feeling of dread started forming in the pit of her stomach. Did she really know better? Brian started tugging at her shirt again but she resisted again.

"Brian!" she said urgently, forcing him to look at her. "Where is this coming from? I haven't seen you all week and now you're all over me without so much as a 'good evening'. Talk to me!"

He finally stopped touching her and sat down on the couch. She sat down next to him and waited for him to speak.

"I feel like I'm losing you Liv," Brian finally told her. "But maybe I never had you in the first place."

She knew exactly what he meant. He wasn't crazy. He sensed her heart wasn't really in it. She wasn't fooling anyone. Brian looked at her and reached his arm behind her to caress her neck.

"You know I'd do anything for you," he told her. She nodded. "But you've always been way out of my league."

"Don't say that Brian."

She hated to hear him put himself down.

"We just haven't been spending a lot of time together lately," she reasoned. "I miss that too. Can we try to fix this?"

She moved closer to him on the couch and he wrapped an arm around her.

"We shouldn't need fixing Liv," he said softly before kissing her temple.

She tried to convince him that every relationship needed work, that it would never be perfect automatically. She didn't really have a lot of experience with long-term relationships but this much she knew. She wasn't sure if it was normal to need fixing this often but Brian finally agreed that they should work on spending more time together. When he pulled her in for another kiss, she gave in and moved into his lap, straddling him while never breaking the kiss. Brian finally smiled when they broke apart and held her close to him, hiding his face in her hair and kissing her neck gently. How could she blame him for worrying about them? She was worried about them too. And about what might happen if Elliot was indeed going to spend more time in New York and the two men in her life would meet each other regularly. She closed her eyes when Brian moved his hands beneath her shirt once again. This time, she didn't stop him.

...

 **May 2013, Santa Cruz CA**

"So, you've sold the house and you have an apartment in Manhattan now. Have you made a decision about your marriage yet?"

Elliot had been quite busy and had made some progress in the past six weeks since Josey's birth. Surprisingly, selling the house had been the easiest part of the operation. Their tenants had fallen in love with the place and the house would officially become theirs on the last day of May. Finding an apartment to his liking had been a bigger challenge. He had done most of his searching online but had gone back to New York in April to see three places for himself before making his choice. He had chosen a nice three bedroom apartment in Greenwich Village, which was surprisingly affordable. He had put up three months rent in advance. He'd have some time to get a job before he'd run out of money, since he was getting half of the proceeds from selling the house. The living room slash kitchen wasn't huge but Elliot really wanted to have enough room to have Eli over, and the three bedrooms were very nice. They hadn't worked out any arrangements for Eli yet but he knew he'd want to see him often and he wanted his son to have his own room.

"We've spoken with all our kids," Elliot told his therapist. "We've explained that we're not fighting or anything but that we are looking for a way to stay a family while I will be moving back to the city gradually. The upside is, I'll be close to four of my kids again."

"And the downside is your youngest?"

"Yeah."

"Does Olivia know you're moving back to New York?"

Elliot scrunched up his nose and leaned back in his chair.

"Well ... I guess I should have talked to her sooner. She actually heard about it from my daughter Maureen."

Dr. Myers was clearly surprised.

"Is there a reason you didn't tell her yourself?"

Elliot shook his head.

"Not really. I just wanted to have something concrete to tell her but Maureen already told her before I'd found my new place."

The therapist asked how she had reacted and if they'd discussed why he wanted to come back to the city. Elliot admitted that he hadn't really discussed it with Olivia. He had called her a few days after Maureen let him know she'd told Olivia. She'd wondered why he hadn't told her how unhappy he'd been in California and that she would have tried to support him. And she'd said she hoped he would be able to work something out with Kathy and Eli.

"What do you make of her reaction, Elliot?" Dr. Myers asked him.

He wasn't sure. She had sounded distant to him. Well, more distant than he had expected.

"Did you expect her to jump for joy?"

Elliot grinned. That wasn't exactly the Olivia he knew.

"No ... well ... I guess I did expect her to say she was glad I was coming back," he admitted.

"And she didn't?"

He shook his head. She'd been distracted. Se hadn't been alone. The _boyfriend_ had come in.

"Sounds like she is making it work with this man," Dr. Myers said.

Somehow, Elliot doubted it. But he was wrapping up with this therapist and he suppressed the urge to explain Olivia any further to him. He did want to show the man a picture though.

"A picture?" Dr. Myers asked. "Of your granddaughter?"

Elliot pulled out his wallet and took out the picture he'd been carrying with him ever since he'd returned to Santa Cruz after Josey was born. He looked at his therapist while the man looked at the picture. He nodded and smiled.

"That must be Olivia, holding your granddaughter."

"Yeah. She's Josey's godmother."

"And this is Eli?"

Elliot nodded.

"He's crazy about Olivia."

"She's fond of him too I see."

Olivia was smiling widely at Eli in the picture and the boy was beaming back at her while putting his little hand over Olivia's, that was resting on Josey's blanket.

Dr. Myers handed the picture back to him, telling him it was beautiful.

"I just wanted you to know what she looks like," Elliot explained, "since this will be our last session."

Dr. Myers said that he hoped Elliot would continue talking to someone in New York and he promised him he would. For now, all he needed was an official letter from the doctor stating that he'd dealt with the 2011 shooting and had worked on his anger issues so he could apply for a job with the police again.

"I knew you would need that and I've already drafted something up for you," Dr. Myers said.

He handed Elliot a draft of his letter to approve. After agreeing on the final text they said goodbye. Dr. Myers would send him the official letter by mail and would also send him a list of therapists in the New York area that he'd recommend to continue his therapy. When Elliot left the office for the last time, he remembered the first time he'd come in there and how much had changed since.

He would get the key to his new apartment in Greenwich Village on the 31st, the same day the house would be sold officially. Until that time, he'd sort out with Kathy what he was taking with him and what things would look like for them in the near future. He was thinking to go fifty-fifty for a while, at least until he got a new job. That way Eli could get used to his father not being around every day and vice versa. They knew there would never be a perfect solution for Eli. He had to go to school so he would need to live in one place. Elliot had wondered how Kathy would feel about letting him stay with him indefinitely but he hadn't suggested it yet. It was mad love between Eli and Olivia so he could absolutely picture it - but then he heard Dr. Myers' words ringing in his ears again: How about the boyfriend? He shouldn't forget about him. Well, not yet. He grinned at himself. he knew it was presumptuous to expect Olivia to dump the guy but somehow, he actually expected her to do it at some point. Cassidy wasn't the love of her life. So it only made sense. Yeah, he was an arrogant bastard.

Elliot took a deep breath when he walked out into the street. He felt like a new man. While he didn't regret his marriage or any of his kids, he was relieved that he was now ready to turn a new leaf. He didn't know what lay ahead but he was ready to move forward into the unknown. Back to New York. Back to Olivia.

...

 **More? Review?**


	20. Coming back

**Wow, I wasn't really happy about how chapter 19 turned out but I've never had this may reviews to one chapter. Maybe I should write poorly some more ;)**  
 **But enough about me, let's continue with the story. This chapter looks like a nice one to end your weekend with (insert evil laugh) ...**

20.

 **New York City**

They were actually doing a little better. They'd been spending more time together and were relaxed around each other again. Brian stayed with her on their weekends off and Olivia had actually taken up cooking. She had dug up her cooking books from ages ago and Brian was surprised to find out she was actually a pretty decent cook.

"Well, you know my mom was drunk a lot when I was a kid so I kinda had to learn," she told him casually one Saturday evening. "It was either that or eat out every day and we couldn't afford that. Mom spent all her money on booze."

Brian walked up to her in the kitchen and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind while she continued stirring the food.

"You've had a rough life. I'm sorry."

She smiled.

"That's okay. I survived."

"That why you're so hell-bent on getting justice for abused kids?"

Olivia stopped stirring and turned around in his arms. The personal comment had touched her and she kissed Brian softly on the lips.

"Yeah. It suppose it is. Makes sense, right?"

Brian nodded, then took the spoon from her hand and reached behind her to continue stirring.

"I don't know how you keep doing it though," he commented. "How you deal with the suffering. I couldn't, and I didn't even have such a fucked-up childhood."

Olivia shrugged.

"Maybe it's _because_ of my childhood that I can't let it go."

"Well, at least you're proof that in the end, we aren't defined by what we go through but rather how we deal with it," Brian said.

Olivia thought this just about qualified as the deepest conversation they'd ever had. She kissed him again and whispered, "so true" before turning back around to her food. Brian let her work and they spent a quiet evening at home before turning in early.

Olivia had been thinking they might do something different together, like go to a classical concert or a museum. Broaden their horizons a bit. She suggested going to an exhibit that Sunday but Brian wasn't going for it. So she was looking at another Sunday of watching rollerbladers in the park. It wasn't what she had imagined for them but at least it wasn't work.  
A rather panicked call from Rollins interrupted their afternoon though. It sounded urgent and Olivia had to go to the station. She left Brian at a sports bar to watch a football game. He didn't seem to mind.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

"Daddy, why can't I come with you to New York?"

Elliot had discussed with Kathy how they should approach Eli and they had both tried to reason with the five-year old. But he wouldn't see it their way. If his dad was going to New York, he was coming with. Just like always.

"Eli, you have school. We've kept you from school a few times now but it's not really allowed," Elliot tried again.

"They have schools in New York too," Eli pouted. "I wanna go with _you_ daddy."

Eli was standing in front of him with his arms crossed in front of his little chest and with his chin set. Elliot was sitting on the couch, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees, and his son was almost at eye level with him like this. He smiled inwardly at his stubbornness, which looked quite familiar. Actually, he would love to bring Eli along with him but it was too soon to start thinking about such big decisions. So Elliot tried to explain to his son that his mother was not going either and he would stay with her and his friends but Eli still didn't agree.

"I want to go with you and I want to see Liv!" he finally yelled before storming upstairs to his room.

Elliot looked at Kathy who shrugged and then went back to watering the plants in the living room. Eli would just have to accept that he wasn't going. Not this time anyway.

"He seems very taken with Olivia," Kathy said.

Elliot followed his wife with his eyes as she moved around the room. Was she going to ask him about him and Olivia now?

"Yes, he is," he agreed, unsure of what else to say.

The silence between the couple was deafening. _Come one Stabler, say something_ , he told himself. Before he could come up with anything, Kathy surprised him when she said,

"You know, it's a pity in a way that Olivia is with this cop-friend now. Otherwise, she could have helped you out with Eli and he could spend more time with you."

Elliot was completely stunned. Whatever Kathy was going to say about Olivia, he most definitely had not expected this. She was actually okay with him hanging out with Olivia again?

Kathy turned around to face him and smirked.

"Oh come on Elliot. Don't look so surprised. I know you'll want to spend time with her again. _I_ was actually surprised it took you so long to admit you wanted to go back."

Elliot's eyes went even wider and Kathy laughed.

"Close your mouth dear. You're insulting my intelligence. And my gut feeling and my feminine intuition, and everything else if you thought I didn't know. You two were close for years. You can't just cut that off. Who would do that, or even try to?"

She was right. He couldn't just cut Olivia out of his life. Only he hadn't realized Kathy knew that. It was an insult to her indeed to keep thinking she didn't have a clue about the depth of his friendship with Olivia. He was surprised at how okay she seemed to be with it now.

"Kathy, come sit with me please," he asked her.

She complied, knowing this was a conversation that was long overdue. Elliot took her hands in his and squeezed them.

"You do know I've always tried to do right by you and our family, right?"

Kathy smiled.

"Of course I do Elliot. I'm not the only one who's made sacrifices for our family. You have too. And I appreciate it, more than you will ever know. You even moved away with us when you really didn't want to. We've agreed that it's my turn now but in a way, it's yours as well. Isn't it?"

She moved a hand to his cheek and Elliot closed his eyes briefly.

"I'll always love you Elliot," she told him sincerely. "Do you remember when you told me you wanted me to be happy?"

Elliot nodded, deeply impressed with Kathy's big heart.

"Do you remember what I told you?"

"You ... want me to be happy too," he whispered.

"I really meant that El."

Elliot was at a loss for words. All he could think of was to pull Kathy close to him. Kathy wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder, her face turned away from him, and he kissed her shoulder softly. While his heart did not belong to her, she would always have a place in it, as he would in hers.

...

 **New York City**

Olivia felt nauseous, knowing what this sick pervert had done to Alice Parker. She was such a sweet lady but she'd been brutalized and branded for eighteen hours straight. Her apartment had been like a scene from a horror movie. As for forensic evidence, it was a theme park. His DNA was literally everywhere, even on the stove knobs. After all she'd been through, Ms. Parker was willing to identify Lewis in a lineup. She was coming in tomorrow morning. Barba had promised them Lewis would be going to jail for life for this.

She had tried to distract herself that evening with magazines and some TV but it wasn't working. The vivid hypothetical description Lewis had given her in interrogation kept echoing in her mind. What could possibly bring someone to enjoy hurting someone else so much? To get them on their knees and beg for their lives and then torture them to the point when they would beg him to just end it and let them die? Well, he wasn't just enjoying it, he was actually getting off on it - literally. She had already showered but still felt dirty because of all the filth that had come out of this creep's mouth. She almost understood why people would get drunk just to forget for a little while. She was pouring herself another glass of wine - was it her third or fourth? - when her phone rang. It was Elliot.

She'd had very mixed emotions about his return to New York and had refrained from telling Brian. She didn't want to disrupt the fragile balance they had established over the past few weeks and figured Brian would find out soon enough. No need to spoil their weekends by bringing it up and possibly getting a jealous reaction from Brian. She would have to answer her phone though. Maybe sharing the horrors of her latest case would ease her nerves about it a little.

"Hey El."

"Hi Liv. You got time to talk?"

"Sure. What's on your mind."

She heard him take a deep breath and she hoped he wasn't going to burden her with even more to worry about.

"I ehm ... just wanted to let you know I'll be coming to New York in two weeks. I'll be staying at least two weeks so ... I hope we can meet up?"

He sounded very insecure and she knew she hadn't exactly been nice to him on the phone the last time he called. She was actually a bit pissed that he hadn't talked to her about how unhappy he'd been and he hadn't even bothered to let her know he was coming back. It would be part-time at first, so Maureen had said, but she wasn't sure yet what that would look like. Well, now was a good time to find out.

"Two weeks? And then what? You got an apartment to stay here for two weeks?"

"No ... no, that's just for starters Liv. We're taking things one step at a time. I ... Liv, I'd rather talk about this stuff in person."

"You should have talked to me sooner."

"I know. I'm sorry. I know I should have talked to you. It just ... it wasn't easy to admit I wasn't happy here."

"So ... are you and Kathy getting a divorce now? For real I mean?"

She heard Elliot chuckle softly.

"Alright, I guess we deserve that one. Well, like I said, we're taking things one step at a time. It's a big change for Eli too."

Olivia bit her lip. Eli was getting caught in the middle here. Maybe his parents weren't getting a divorce right away but they would still not be living together all the time anymore. That was never easy on the kids. She assumed Eli was going to stay behind in Santa Cruz. Elliot confirmed that.

"Yeah ... you know, I'd really like to have him with me but I don't know how I'd do it. I will need to work."

She contemplated giving him an earful about working single moms making things work for their kids but she didn't have the energy. Elliot seemed to pick up on her mood and asked if everything was okay at her end. She admitted that she was having trouble shaking a case off and reluctantly told him about the man they had just arrested and her impression of him.

Elliot blew out a breath through pursed lips.

"Liv, that's really tough. I suppose you went at him in interrogation?"

She sure had and she'd gotten him to talk, tapping into his wave length as she called it.

"That can be dangerous Liv. Better watch your step with this guy."

She assured him this one was never getting out so he didn't have to worry about her. He gave her his new address per May 31st and once she'd written it down, she was finally smiling. A funny feeling was bubbling in her stomach and her smile grew wider. He was actually coming back. He was going to be around _more_ instead of less. Her best friend was coming back.

"Hey El," she said as they were about to end the call. "I'm really glad you're coming back."

Her smile carried all the way to the west coast.

"Me too Liv."

His smile carried all the way to the east coast.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

With a little over a week to go until he'd get the keys to his new apartment in Greenwich Village, Elliot had started saying goodbye. He'd quit his job and the regulars at the gym had thrown him a small farewell party. He had started packing some things and smiled when he found two of Eli's stuffed animals in one of his bags. His son still wanted to come with him. It was something to discuss with Kathy in a while. He would have to be settled in New York first and he needed to know how his friendship with Olivia would develop once he was back. He wasn't going to force her to choose. Definitely not. But he didn't plan on staying away either. He was rummaging through his things in the spare bedroom he was now using when Kathy called him.

"In here!" he shouted.

"Elliot, it's Dickie. He sounds upset."

Kathy came in with the house phone in her hand and handed it to him. Elliot frowned. Why would his son be upset?

"Dickie?"

"Dad! You're not gonna believe this! It's Olivia. She's been kidnapped!"

"What?!"

Elliot's mind refused to process the words he was hearing.

"Listen. It's all over the news. Everyone is looking for her. She's been taken by some guy. Dad ... he's a ... he's a ..."

Elliot felt all the blood drain from his face and he sat down on the bed before his legs would give out. Olivia had been kidnapped?

"Son, calm down. What are they saying on the news?" he said as quietly as he could manage.

Kathy was still standing in the doorway and looked at him in shock, sensing something was really wrong. Dickie took a breath and then read the ticker from the news broadcast to him.

"Female NYPD detective kidnapped by suspect in rape-torture case - missing for three days - kidnapper considered armed and dangerous. And they're showing their pictures. Dad, it really is Olivia."

...


	21. A bad dream

**Now I am going to assume that you, my readers, have been watching SVU and know the story. We have now reached a time in Olivia's life that we all would rather have spared her. I will not be writing a detailed description of what happens to her as it happens, again because I am assuming you know what happened. On the off chance that you really don't, you can just read on and find out bits and pieces as the story progresses, just like Olivia's friends ...  
** **I hope you will appreciate the way I have decided to incorporate the events in this particular story.**

...

21.

Elliot couldn't relax. The person next to him must be wondering by now if there was something wrong with him. The plane had taken off with only a five minute delay but even those five minutes had been like an eternity for Elliot. After the initial shock had subsided he had functioned completely on auto-pilot. Kathy had understood that he needed to go right away. She had helped him repack his things, making sure he had everything he would need right away in one suitcase and a duffelbag. She'd be in touch about the rest of his things and had made hotel reservations for him. Kathy made him promise he would let her know about Olivia. She would pray that they would find her in time.

Eli had cried but had accepted that he could not come along this time because daddy needed to find Olivia first. It was all Elliot could focus on now. The first available flight from San Jose was scheduled to leave early the next morning. Elliot had called Captain Cragen, who had told him they were following leads but didn't have a possible location yet. He had given Cragen his number and made him promise to call or text him when there was news, one way or the other.

"Son, I understand you're worried but I can't let you participate in the search," the Captain had told him.

Elliot didn't care. He didn't work for Cragen anymore and he could do whatever he wanted to find Olivia. That was his one and only priority. His flight wasn't a direct flight so he would be underway for at least eight hours. It was still the fastest way to get to New York so he'd taken it.

Elliot remembered what Olivia had told him about William Lewis. How he'd tortured an elderly lady by branding her, and had raped and sodomized her repeatedly for hours on end, until the woman had begged him just to kill her. And he'd had Olivia for three days already. Just thinking about what he might have done to her in that time made him sick. He couldn't even think about the possibility that she might already be dead. He had to do something to keep himself occupied. To do something that would lead to a solution. Otherwise, he felt like he'd explode. His plane would land at JFK mid-afternoon local time that Friday and he knew he would be completely useless until then. He tried to relax but even though he hadn't slept a wink the night before, he just couldn't.

All Elliot could do was pray Olivia was still alive and would be found soon. He'd be there for her, no matter what had happened to her. He made a solemn vow never to leave her side again unless she asked him to. He'd give anything just to see her face again. At one point during his long journey back to the east coast, when he'd closed his eyes again in a desperate attempt to recharge, he could have sworn he heard her call his name. She needed him and he wished he could will the plane to go faster. _Please God, don't let her die._

Hours later, he was finally in New York. He was waiting at the luggage carousel for his suitcase and checked the time. It was almost 4 pm, almost 24 hours since he'd heard the devastating news. He checked his phone but there were no messages. As he waited, his eyes drifted towards a television screen displaying the latest news. He blinked a few times and took a few large steps to get closer to the screen. It couldn't be ...

His eyes went wide when he watched the news footage. Breaking news. It was her. It _was_ her! She was being led out of a house by a police officer - her partner? She was still alive. After four days, she was still alive. Images of a man on a gurney appeared on the screen. He looked more dead than alive. Relief flooded his system. She was still alive. The look on her battered face was one of sheer horror though. Elliot's phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Captain, I just saw the news. I'm at JFK. Which hospital?" he barked into the phone.

"We're at Mercy," was Cragen's brief reply. It was really all he needed to know and his former Captain knew it.

"I'm on my way."

...

Olivia was in a daze. She could hardly remember being led out of the house and taken to the hospital. Yet here she was. The doctors and nurses were finally done poking and prodding her. Her head was pounding, her body ached all over and she felt filthy. Nick had brought her in. Brian was there and she'd spotted Cragen. Everyone else was just a blur of white and pale blue. Brian asked her if she was ready to take a shower and she nodded, accepting his arm to support her. A nurse told her to be careful not to scrub her burns too hard but she ignored the woman. She would have to come back after her shower to have her burns treated and her broken wrist set. She nodded. Brian wanted to help her but she shook no. She could do this. She had to do this, to prove to herself that she had won. She could take a shower on her own.

The hot water was burning her skin. She wanted it that way. To burn away every fibre of him, where he'd touched her, kicked and hit her, burned her and licked her. She scrubbed her burns too hard. She scrubbed her cuts and bruises too hard and her cracked ribs. Even her broken wrist. She'd caused that herself. When she'd struck him, finally unleashing her rage after four days of complete helplessness. She had won and she wasn't going to be deterred by something as trivial as physical pain. She could take it.

She felt dizzy - probably from the concussion - and had to steady herself. No, she had to sit down. Just for a minute. She slid down the shower wall until she was sitting. Brian knocked on the door to ask if she was alright. She could actually use some help getting up again but she didn't want him to see her like this. She was still strong. She had won. She could do this. She tried to push herself up but pain seared through her left arm. Her broken wrist ... and then everything went black.

When she regained consciousness, she was lying in the hospital bed again, all cleaned up. Nick was there.

"What happened?" she asked him groggily.

"You passed out in the shower Liv," Nick told her gently. "While you were out, your wounds were treated."

He pointed at the cast around her left wrist.

"Cassidy is getting you some clothes. He should be back soon."

"Okay."

She noticed Nick was holding her right hand and she looked at him. He gave her a small smile. He pitied her. She didn't want to be pitied. She pulled her hand away. Before Nick could respond to the gesture, they heard some commotion in the hallway. Olivia tried to sit up and Nick pressed the button of the bed so it moved her up into a sitting position. She listened at the voices in the hallway that were getting louder. And then she recognized his voice.

"Elliot ..."

Nick looked at her and asked if she wanted to see Elliot.

"Yes."

Nick got up to walk to the door but before he even reached it, the door burst open.

"Liv!"

"El ..."

Nick stopped the orderly that was trying to stop Elliot from barging in and told him it was okay. Nick closed the door, keeping the orderly out but staying in the room himself. Olivia had reached up her arms without even realizing it. Elliot was here. He had come for her. He was at her side within a second, sitting down on the edge of the bed, and wrapped his arms around her carefully as she wrapped her arms around his neck. They didn't speak. They just held each other and Olivia listened to his breathing in her neck while pressing her cheek against his and breathing in his familiar scent. He was here. Nothing else mattered right now.

Elliot didn't know what he should be feeling. He was immensely grateful and relieved to see Olivia again and to be able to hold her in his arms. But he was terrified to find out what had happened to her. He didn't know for sure yet what that beast had done to her but he wanted to kill the bastard. No, he wanted to make him suffer first, and then kill him. But more than anything, he wanted to be near her. To do whatever he had to, to help her get through this. She was relaxing in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder, and he just held her.

After a few minutes, the door to the room opened again and he looked behind him. Brian Cassidy. He would have to let go of her now.

"Liv. Cassidy's here," he told her.

She opened her eyes slowly and glanced at him before looking at Brian and then let go of him. Elliot stood up and the two men looked at each other. Nick was leaning against the wall and was looking at both of them.

"Stabler."

"Cassidy."

Elliot could tell the man wasn't too thrilled to see him, but it wasn't about them now. Cassidy seemed to realize this as well.

"Thanks for coming," Cassidy said quietly. "Liv needs all the support she can get right now."

She'd been right. The man had matured. Elliot nodded and Brian turned his attention to his girlfriend.

"Liv. I brought you some clothes. You're being released. They'd like you to give your statement right away but if you're not up for it ..."

"Yeah. Yes, I'm up for it. I want to get it over with," Olivia replied quickly.

Cassidy looked at the other men in the room and Elliot knew it was their cue to leave. _He_ was going to help his girlfriend get dressed. Not her partner and not her former partner. She was _his_ girlfriend. Elliot glanced at Olivia but she was looking down at her hands. Elliot retreated with Nick.

"You the new partner?" he asked the dark-haired man as they waited in the hallway.

Nick nodded and extended his hand.

"Yeah, Nick Amaro. You the old partner?"

Elliot smiled while shaking Nick's hand.

"Yeah, Elliot Stabler."

"She says we're a lot alike," Nick told him.

"I know," Elliot nodded. "So I know you'll have her back, not matter what."

"Absolutely."

Elliot could tell that Nick was very shaken up about what had happened. His eyes were flitting from him to the door of Olivia's room to their surroundings and back. Elliot knew the feeling. Nick wanted to hit something.

"So ... how'd he get out?" he asked Olivia's partner.

Nick sighed and took a few steps to sit down on one of the chairs in the hallway.

"Mistrial. There was a mix-up at the lab with the DNA. His lawyer actually posted his bail."

"Bail? How could the judge even set bail?"

Nick was just as frustrated about it as he was and Elliot dropped into the seat next to him.

"Well, he's not getting out now," Nick said.

"No," Elliot grunted. "And if he does, I'll kill him myself."

...

Olivia had tried to give an accurate account of all that had happened since Monday evening but there were a lot of blanks. She'd been passed out a lot from the vodka and pills he'd forced down her throat. And the beatings. She had even spent an entire day in the trunk of a car. The woman taking her statement had been very understanding but she'd still felt self-conscious and exposed. She had left out a few conversations with Lewis that she didn't intend to share with anyone. At least not while she was still so raw.

Cragen had listened in, needing to know what had happened to his detective. She had summarized a lot of things but she knew he'd be asking her about more details in a while. Anything to make sure Lewis would never get out again.

She had lied about that final beating. He had gotten to her. He had made her lose control. She knew he'd try to use it against her and she wished she'd just killed him. In fact, she thought she had. So now she would have to be consistent and hold up the lie. It went against everything she believed in, everything she stood for. Well, everything she used to stand for. She didn't know who or what she was right now. All she wanted to do was sleep. And forget.

"Well, as far as the department is concerned, you're a hero. They're gonna want a press tour as soon as you're up to it," Cragen told her when she was ready to leave.

"And the lawyer's mother?" Olivia asked. That poor woman.

"She's doing better. She's gonna be released from the hospital tonight," Cragen told her.

Olivia thought of what she'd witnessed. What she'd been forced to witness. The murder of the father and the violent, repeated rape and torture of the mother. What a way to thank his lawyer for her help. What he'd done to their home and to them. That place would never feel like home again.

"Where's she gonna go now? She can't go back to that house," she said, trying to get rid of the images in her head, only to have them replaced by others. Of _her_ place.

"Where am _I_ gonna go now?" she asked softly.

"Your place is a crime scene," Cragen said. "The department will put you up in a hotel."

"Okay. For how long?"

Her Captain told her not to worry about it. They had it all covered and it was about her, not money.

"What you've been through, you're on mandatory leave until you recover, and I don't want any arguments," he told her sternly.

"I'm not gonna give you any," Olivia sighed. She didn't have the energy nor the desire.

Brian came in, telling them there was a lot of press outside. He wanted to get her out of there unseen and the Captain agreed.

"Hey, you want to go to a hotel?" Brian asked her softly. She didn't really know what she wanted.

"Ehm ... maybe your place is a better idea," she told Brian. She did know she didn't want to be alone right now.

They walked out of Cragen's office and Olivia fixed her gaze on the exit of the squad room. She knew they were all staring at her. Pitying her. They meant well but she didn't want their pity. She had won. She was still the same person. She wanted to be the same person. But right now, she just wanted to get out of there and sleep. Maybe she would wake up and it would all just have been a bad dream.

...


	22. Need

**I was very content with the previous chapter but I did not receive much feedback. I am also very content with this chapter so ... maybe you could drop me a line to let me know if this is still interesting? Is it realistic?**

22.

Cassidy had taken Olivia from the hospital to the station to give her statement. Elliot had felt useless and he could tell Nick felt the same. There was no love lost between Cassidy and Nick, that much was obvious. Nick was also returning to the station and they exchanged phone numbers before splitting up. Elliot sensed an understanding between himself and Olivia's current partner. They'd both do anything for her and he trusted the man to have her back. It wasn't his fault that Olivia had been snatched from her own apartment. She'd been sent home for a few days and Nick couldn't have known. It could have happened on Elliot's watch too and he didn't blame the man.

He had to wonder where Cassidy had been though. Surely, he should have missed her a lot sooner. What kind of man doesn't know his girlfriend has been out of touch for more than two days? That would _not_ have happened if he'd been there, so he did blame Cassidy. This wasn't the right time to confront him about it and he was probably kicking himself too, but it didn't sit well with Elliot. Even when they were just partners he'd still keep tabs on Olivia, let alone if they had been involved.

He needed to get his things to the hotel. He was going to try and contact Olivia later to find out where she would be staying. Once he was settled in the hotel, he called Kathy. She was greatly relieved that Olivia had been found alive and she would talk to Eli. He thanked her for her help and support and told her he'd be calling Dickie and maybe meet up with him. He knew his oldest son had been worried as well.

Dickie appreciated his dad calling and after getting a quick bite to eat, Elliot went to visit him in his dorm room. His roommate had left for the weekend and Dickie was glad they could speak freely. He offered his father his only chair and a cup of coffee and sat down on his bed.

"Dad, do you know if he ... you know ... was she ..."

His son couldn't say it and Elliot put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm not sure son. They haven't told us much yet and Olivia didn't say anything while I was with her at the hospital. But either way, she'll get through it. She's strong."

Dickie nodded but swallowed hard.

"I know she's strong dad but no woman should have to go through that. It's supposed to be about love, not about power and pain and fear and violence."

He was proud of his son. He was only twenty years old but he was a real adult. He was in his third year of college now, majoring in Business Engineering. He didn't really know what kind of job he'd like but he figured knowledge of how businesses are run would always come in handy.

Somehow, Elliot had the feeling something else was troubling his son. He was worried about what may have happened to Olivia but it looked like there was something else on his mind. Having benefited greatly from vocalizing his concerns and his feelings, he decided to encourage his son to do the same. It wasn't very Stabler-like but perhaps it was time to break that family tradition at last.

"Dick, what's the matter? Talk to me son."

Dickie looked at him a little surprised. Yeah, this wasn't Stabler-like at all.

"What do you mean dad? I'm just concerned about her. I hope she'll be alright."

"And?"

Dick bit his lower lip and looked away, rubbing his hands together nervously. Elliot waited patiently and drank his coffee, giving his son room to decide what he was going to tell his father and what he wasn't going to tell him. After a minute, the younger man spoke again.

"Dad, do you remember when my friend Shane was missing and I was all over you guys because I thought you didn't really want to help him?"

Elliot remembered. His son's friend had turned up dead and Dickie had tried to force him to sign some papers so he could join the army.

"Do you remember what I said to Olivia?"

And then it dawned on him what was troubling his son. In the heat of the moment while Olivia had been questioning Dickie, his son had asked her if she'd ever slept with her partner. Him. He'd been looking in on the conversation from behind the two way mirror with Cragen and had been slightly taken aback by the question.

"I never really spoke with her after that you know," Dickie continued. "I saw her a few times but we never brought it up again."

"Dick, she doesn't hold that against you. You were angry and upset. People say stuff. She knows that."

Dickie nodded but wasn't reassured. Elliot waited for him to continue. They didn't speak man to man often and they were both a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah well ... I shouldn't have said that but ... I did wonder dad."

Dickie looked at him hesitantly and Elliot nodded. He couldn't blame his son for wondering about him and his partner.

"Do you remember what she told you?"

"Yeah. Never."

"Did you believe her?"

His son looked him in the eye when he answered him.

"Yeah dad. I believed her and I felt ashamed later for having asked the question in the first place."

Elliot told him Olivia had never even mentioned it to him and had probably forgotten all about it.

"You do know that I've always tried to do right by you guys, right?" he asked his son. "Maybe I wasn't home enough but everything I did, was for my family."

Dickie nodded and was silent. Elliot waited again. He knew his son wasn't done.

"I know dad. But I also know you loved her."

His son lifted his gaze up to meet his again and gave him a small smile.

"Yeah," Elliot admitted honestly, not trying to hide the hurt that was showing in his eyes. "I did. I still do."

"I know you do. Take good care of her, okay?"

...

 _'Every morning, every evening, ain't we got fun.'_

 _No._

 _No._

 _Not that song again._

 _'Not much money but oh honey, ain't we got fun.'_

 _Terror was gripping her. She couldn't breathe. Then the duct tape was gone and he was forcing vodka down her throat again._

 _'You thirsty, sweetheart? Yeah? Here you go. Oh no. Hey hey. You don't get to say 'no' anymore okay? All right, you have some vodka, and I'll give you some water okay?'_

 _She didn't want to swallow but she couldn't breathe._

 _'Eyes open, sweetheart. Keep'em open or I burn her again.'_

 _'Please don't ... please don't ... aaaah!'_

Olivia shot up in bed and grabbed her painful ribs with her right hand. She was gasping for air and was trying to focus on her surroundings. Slowly the image of Mrs. Mayer being raped and burned in front of her faded away. She was in bed in Brian's apartment. She felt someone touch her back and she flinched.

"Hey hey, it's only me," Brian said softly while sitting up next to her.

She looked to her right but couldn't focus on Brian. She blinked a few times. She knew he was there but she didn't really see him. She still saw _him_ ... with that grin on his face, taunting her. Daring her. Willing her to submit to him like he had submitted so many others to him, and enjoying it. She closed her eyes but that only made the image clearer.

"Light please," she whispered.

Brian quickly leaned behind him to switch on the light on his nightstand. Then he put his hand on her back again, very gently.

"How's that?"

Olivia nodded.

"Better."

It wasn't true. She didn't feel better at all but she didn't want to worry Brian. He needed to think he was helping her. He was rubbing her back but it wasn't soothing. She didn't want to be touched. Everything hurt. She lay back down and Brian did the same, propping himself up on one elbow to look at her.

"Bad dream?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

She closed her eyes, hoping Brian hadn't seen the beginning of tears in her eyes. She knew he was there but she felt so terribly alone. Maybe she should talk about her dream and about what had happened but she couldn't find the words. Not yet. She opened her eyes when she heard Brian lay back on his back. She knew he meant well but she didn't know what to tell him.

"I'm sorry Bri," she whispered.

"That's okay Liv. Don't apologize to me. I should have been there. I should apologize to you."

She could hear the pain in his voice and there was nothing she could do about it. She didn't have the strength to reach out to him right now. She tried to suppress a sob but didn't quite succeed. Brian turned towards her and reached for her face hesitantly.

"Is this okay?" he asked, sliding his thumb over her left cheek gently.

She bit her lip and nodded.

"I don't know how to do this Liv," Brian admitted. "I wanna help you in any way I can but I don't know what you need."

"That's okay Bri," she whispered, still keeping her eyes closed. "I just need some time."

Brian turned away again, and reached for the light to switch it off.

"No ..." she said softly. "Leave it on."

A few minutes later, she heard his breathing even out. He was asleep again. She should let him sleep, he needed it. Olivia didn't want to sleep anymore. She had thought sleeping would make her forget but it didn't. It made her remember. She slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Brian and walked into the living room. She switched on the television and turned the sound down before flipping through the channels until she found a 24 hour cartoon channel. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat down on the couch, pulling the brown throw blanket around her that had been on the back of the couch. It was only the first night. It would get better. She'd be fine.

...

Elliot was tossing and turning in his hotel bed. He wasn't sure Olivia still had her phone because she hadn't picked up. Maybe she was sleeping. After his visit with Dickie he had tried to contact her. After trying Olivia's number a few times, he had called Nick, who had told him Olivia had gone home with Cassidy. He had texted him the address. Of course she would go home with him. Elliot wanted to see her, listen to her and see for himself what shape she was in. But he couldn't go over to Cassidy's apartment late at night. So he had stayed at the hotel, hoping he'd be able to sleep now that he knew she was safe. He couldn't, and switched on the television. He watched a shopping channel for a while until he finally nodded off.

Some kind of loud commercial woke him up early the next morning, happily announcing the perfect, painless alternative to a bikini wax. He switched the TV to a news channel and dragged himself out of bed. He took a shower and shaved carefully, silently thanking Kathy for helping him pack. He would have forgotten half the things she'd packed for him. He got dressed and went out to a diner nearby to get some breakfast. While lying awake that night, he had calculated how many blocks were between his hotel and Cassidy's place and after breakfast, he decided to walk. He wasn't sure yet if he was going to let them know he was there, but he needed to be near her. Besides, a long walk would do him good. Help clear his mind. And give him something to do. He wouldn't get the keys to his new place for another week but he wasn't going back to Santa Cruz now. He had to stay in case she needed him.

It wasn't very warm for the end of May but there was still a promise of summer in the air. Elliot tucked his hands in the pockets of his short jacket and started walking. His mind drifted back to Olivia's face at the hospital. She had a big gash on her forehead, a split lip, a black eye and other bruises in her face that were different shades of purple and blue. Lewis had had her for several days so some cuts and bruises had already started to heal. He could only wonder what she looked like underneath her clothes right now. He'd wondered about that before but with very different thoughts. But all thoughts about her luscious body had been replaced by fear of what had been done to her, a strong need to protect her from any further harm, and to help her recover. What had struck him the most about her face were her sad, glazed eyes. There had been no fire left in them. No spunk. Not even anger. She had reached for him and he'd never seen her do that. She never reached for someone else. She only ever reached out to others. To help others. She never asked for help but yesterday, she had reached for him.

He tried to swallow a lump in his throat and continued walking a little faster. He'd give anything to be able to turn back the clock. Olivia was one of the strongest people he knew and he knew she was going to get through this eventually. If anyone could do it, it was her. But if there was any way to spare her this ordeal, to make it unhappen, he'd do it. He shook his head and balled his hands into fists in his jacket pockets. There was no way.

He felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket and pulled it out. It was Cragen.

"Captain."

"Hi Elliot. I was going to bring Olivia her phone this morning and I wondered if you wanted to come."

Elliot stopped walking and smiled. Captain Cragen was a tough boss but also a very kind human being. He knew Elliot would want to see Olivia but that he wouldn't just knock on the door of Cassidy's apartment.

"Yeah. Yes sir, I wanna come. Thank you."

"No problem son. I'll be there in about thirty minutes. Meet me there?"

Elliot checked his location. He could be there in fifteen.

"I'll be there."

...

Olivia sighed and rested her head against the back of the couch. Brian was trying to convince her to eat something but she honestly couldn't. She had drank some juice and he was making them coffee but nothing solid would go in. She was going to be sick if she tried, she knew it. Just the smell of Brian's scrambled eggs made her stomach flip.

"How 'bout some cereal then?" Brian tried again.

Olivia closed her eyes and ignored the question. She didn't want to push Brian away but she just wanted him to shut up about food already. _He means well_ , she kept telling herself, but she was not eating, period.

"Just some water will be fine Bri," she sighed, hoping he would finally stop pushing her to eat.

She heard him scurry around in the kitchen and then walk up to her. She opened her eyes and he handed her an opened bottle of water. He sat down next to her and watched her drink a few sips. She handed the bottle back to him and he capped it for her and set it on the coffee table. She knew he wanted her to talk to him but she didn't want to talk. Not yet anyway.

"You don't have to do this alone Liv," Brian said, still looking at her while she stared straight ahead.

She turned her head to look at him. He didn't get it. He didn't know her. Not well enough. She'd talk when she was ready. Not when he wanted her to. She could see pain in his eyes. He needed her to talk to him. _He_ needed her to talk. So he would feel like he was doing something to help. It was for his benefit, not hers. Maybe she was overreacting but it was what she was feeling right now. She couldn't look after Brian now. Not after what she'd just been through. She didn't have anything left to give. She was empty and she needed space to deal with that. To deal with what had happened and with what she'd done. To get in touch with herself again before she could even try to get in touch with other people.

She took a breath to say something when a knock on the door startled her. Brian frowned. Who could it be so early in the morning? It was only nine o'clock. He checked the peephole and told her it was Captain Cragen. Olivia nodded and Brian opened the door.

"Captain."

"Cassidy, good morning. I just came by to bring Olivia her phone, and I brought some company if that's okay."

Cragen glanced past Brian at Olivia, who was checking if she looked decent enough in her flannel pajamas to have visitors. She looked up to see who her Captain had brought to see her, and Elliot stepped into view. Their eyes locked across the room and he sent her his love without words before turning to greet Brian.

"I hope you don't mind the intrusion but I'd really like to see how she's doing," Elliot explained.

He knew the man couldn't refuse him and he silently thanked Cragen again for his thoughtfulness. Brian gestured them to come in and closed the door behind them. Cragen sat down next to Olivia on the couch and handed her a cell phone.

"It's a new phone but we had your old number and your contacts transferred, so you have your own number back," he told her. Her old phone was being held as evidence.

"Thank you," she said softly.

Elliot sat down on the only armchair in Cassidy's modest apartment and studied Olivia's face and movements as she spoke softly with her Captain. He asked her if she'd gotten any sleep and how she was coping with her concussion. Olivia gave him brief, polite answers and asked again how Mrs. Mayer was doing, and her daughter. The young lawyer had finally realized that her client slash boyfriend was indeed guilty of horrendous crimes and had been hysterical. She was getting help.

"You will need to get help too," Cragen told her.

Olivia just nodded. She would. She would talk to someone soon.

"I'd like you to start seeing Dr. Lindstrom. You know him, right?"

She nodded again.

"Yeah. I've sent many women to him. They say he's good at his job."

Cragen handed her a business card.

"Here's his number. Call him next week, okay?"

"Okay. I will."

It was heartbreaking to see Olivia like this and Elliot was trembling inside. She was broken. He wanted to reach out and wrap her in his arms to hide her away from the world for a while. He couldn't. Cassidy was leaning against the kitchen counter and was watching them. Him, mostly. This wasn't the time for jealousy but it was there. They were both feeling it. He was feeling it because Olivia was staying with Cassidy and he got to spend every waking hour with her. Cassidy was feeling it because he knew there was something between the former partners that nobody could understand or break up. They both loved her and they both wanted to help her, but it would be up to Olivia to decide who she would allow to get closer to her. Maybe it would be neither of them. Maybe it would be her therapist.

Elliot didn't know if he would be able to accept it if she didn't let him get close, but he would try to respect her wishes. The look in her eyes when she'd seen him enter the apartment had hit him though. She hadn't reached for him physically this time but it had reminded him of the moment he'd seen her at the hospital the day before. There was a raw need in her eyes and that made him even more determined to stay close by. He'd be there if and when she'd need him.

When they got up to leave after about twenty minutes, Olivia got up as well and walked them to the door. She stood next to him and Elliot suppressed the urge to touch her. She surprised him when she slipped her right hand in his left hand and squeezed his hand before releasing it again.

"Thank you both for coming," she said quietly, keeping her eyes on her Captain. "Do come back soon."

Elliot glanced at Cassidy, who shrugged and nodded before turning around to put his coffee mug away. The man couldn't have seen Olivia's gesture from where he'd been standing but Elliot's heart had soared. She _was_ reaching out to him. So he would be back soon, Cassidy or no Cassidy.

...


	23. Five days

**Thanks to all my faithful reviewers and the new reviewers for the great reception of the recent developments in this story. Your words are always appreciated! Let's continue ...**

23.

 _'We'll cuff your hands right here. We'll tie up your feet, right here. Oh man, a real old-fashioned iron-frame bed. I knew this place would be perfect.'_

 _He's gloating._

 _'You want me to burn your clothes off or cut them off?'_

 _There is no way out. This is it. He's going to rape you and then kill you._

 _'What's that look? Are you feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again? Mom? Dad? Boyfriend? No, huh? Someone else.'_

 _He is crawling towards her on the bed. She can smell his filthy breath._

 _'Someone who you would give anything to see just one more time. You're gonna cry his name out at some point. They always do.'_

 _Elliot!_

 _He is on top of her and grabs her face. He squeezes, forcing her mouth open and he shoves her gun in._

 _'You don't tell me what to do. Okay?'_

 _He pulls the gun out but holds it close to her mouth._

 _'Now you say ...'_

 _'I wanna live. I'll do anything. I'll do anything!'_

Olivia woke up screaming. Brian got up to get her a wet towel. He dabbed her face and then placed the towel in her neck to help her cool off. It was the only thing she'd let him do. She was drenched in sweat each time and after calming down a little, she'd take a shower. It happened serveral times each night when she would try to get some sleep. It was hell.  
Whenever she would fall asleep, the nightmares would come, either in bed or on the couch. And when she stayed up all night, she'd have flashbacks. She had only had one night without any disturbing dreams and that was most likely because she had taken a strong sleeping pill that had knocked her out completely. She'd felt like a zombie after three days and nights of no sleep so she had finally taken the pill. She'd still felt like a zombie the next day though, so she wasn't going to take one again.

That morning, she had cut off her hair. She couldn't explain why, just that it had to come off. Brian had been shocked but had taken her to a hairdresser nearby to tidy up the mess she'd made of it. She hadn't been out in public before but it had gone pretty well, she thought. She did notice some people staring at her but she didn't really care. She had lost her shine and now she had also lost her hair. To her, that was the way it should be.

Olivia could tell Brian was exhausted as well. He had finally stopped trying to get her to eat, and she had promptly managed to eat some salad and fruits. She hadn't done that on purpose but he'd actually gotten angry with her. He was staying away longer when he went out to get groceries and he had actually seemed relieved when Elliot showed up again, four days after his first visit.

"Listen, I need to check in at work so I'll be away for a while. Can you keep Liv company for a bit?"

"Sure," Elliot replied quickly, hiding his surprise about Cassidy's request. "Take your time."

After Cassidy had left, Elliot sat down next to her and took his time to look at her. The new haircut was interesting but he knew it was a sign of emotional distress when a woman suddenly cut off her hair. Her cuts and bruises were healing but he wanted to see her eyes. Olivia was looking down at her hands and avoided looking at him.

"You want some coffee?" she asked as she got up from the couch.

"Okay."

He knew better than to offer to help her and let her cope with the coffee maker and their mugs on her own. He got up and leaned against the kitchen counter to watch her work. She was using the fingers of her left hand a little so the pain in her wrist must be bearable.

"You know, I'll be starting therapy next Monday. I called them already." she told him while she poured coffee into one of the mugs.

"That's good Liv. It will be good for you to talk things through."

She set the first mug on the counter and started pouring the next one.

"I haven't talked about it with anyone yet."

She put down the coffee pot and set the second mug on the counter.

"Why not?"

Olivia shrugged. It wasn't easy to explain. Part of her just wanted the memories to go away so she would never have to talk about it. Another part of her _did_ want to talk about it because she felt like she had lost herself. But the biggest part of her was simply terrified. She was afraid of everything. Of sudden sounds, of unexpected touches, of going outside, of being alone and of being around other people, of sleeping and of not sleeping. Right after her ordeal, she had convinced herself that she had won and that she was still the same person. But she wasn't. Whatever she was right now, it didn't even remotely look like the person she had always been. She had been strong, dedicated, focused, always fighting for justice, fearless. Now, she was filled with fear and she was all over the place, and it angered her.

Elliot had watched her face while she was thinking things over. When he saw a flash of anger flit across her face, he breathed out slowly.

"There you are," he said softly.

Olivia looked up at him confused.

"What?"

Elliot smiled.

"Just now, I think I saw Olivia Benson."

He hadn't expected the tears but he saw them, right before she turned away from him. Olivia sighed and he saw her shoulders slump slightly before she took her mug and headed back to the couch.

"I don't know who that is anymore El."

It broke his heart to hear her say that but he knew she would find herself again. Just by seeing that small glimpse of her, he knew without a doubt that she was still in there. And she knew how it worked. No need for all the platitudes. They had told numerous victims over the years that they would be able to go on with their lives and be who they were before. That they shouldn't blame themselves and that they were stronger than they knew. That it was a normal process and that it would take time, etcetera. He didn't have to tell her all that and he wasn't going to.

Elliot sat down next to her and sipped his coffee. She was glad he was here and to find that she could still relax around him. His presence was comforting and his silence a relief. He wasn't trying to get her to talk and he wasn't trying to convince her she would get through this. He was just there. And it was enough. She also sipped her coffee and welcomed the warmth as the hot liquid found its way through her body. She felt cold. It was probably because of the lack of food and sleep, because Brian had turned up the heating in the apartment several times already.

"Nice socks," Elliot remarked out of the blue.

She looked at her feet and managed a small smile. She was actually wearing two pairs of socks and the top pair were long, bright-colored slipper socks that she had pulled up all the way over her leggings.

"Cheery huh?" she asked. "I get cold and these help a bit."

Elliot looked around and she pointed at the brown throw blanket next to her on the couch.

"I'm covered El. There are extra layers everywhere."

Elliot nodded.

"You do know it's not actually cold here, don't you?" he asked.

"I know, don't worry. I'm still on the planet."

She yawned and Elliot suggested she lay down for a bit. She muttered that she wouldn't be much of a hostess if she did that but he could tell her resistance was just for show. He got up and reached behind her to grab the pillow she had been using to support her back. She leaned forward to allow him to take it, and gave in when he fluffed up the pillow and placed it against the armrest on her side of the couch. She set down her coffee mug and lowered her head onto the pillow. Elliot helped her pull her legs up on the couch and he covered her with the throw blanket. He sat down at the other end of the couch again and put her feet in his lap. Her eyes were already closing and Elliot was glad she was relaxing.

She looked exhausted and he figured she was probably not sleeping well because of nightmares. Cragen had told him that according to Olivia's statement, she had not been raped. That didn't mean she was any less traumatized though, he had assured him, but Elliot knew that. While he was greatly relieved that Olivia had not been raped physically, he knew she had been brutalized mentally. He had never seen her so broken, almost defeated. Almost. But not completely. He really had seen Olivia Benson just now.

Elliot had spent some time to catch up with his children over the past days and had picked out some furniture to be delivered to his apartment once he had the keys. He had not wanted to crowd Olivia - or Cassidy - by showing up every day. It had been difficult to stay away but seeing Cassidy almost flee the scene just now made him wonder if he should have come back sooner.

He was surpised to hear a soft snoring sound coming from his left and he looked at Olivia's face. She had fallen asleep. Just like that, while he had absentmindedly been stroking her leg over the blanket. Her face was now completely relaxed and she looked peaceful. Beaten up but still beautiful. Herself. She would be herself again.

...

Olivia was amazed that she had actually slept soundly on the couch. She had for at least two hours, Elliot had told her. She'd woken up when Brian came back home and Elliot had left soon afterwards. Brian was moping around a little and she wondered if it bothered him that she had fallen asleep while Elliot was there. She didn't have the energy to ask him about it though and she let him mope. There was some kind of sit-com on TV but she didn't think it was funny and started flipping through the channels. She quickly skipped over a rerun of a cop show and finally decided just to turn the TV off. Brian was in the bedroom and she went to find him to ask about dinner.

Brian jumped a little when she came in. He had been putting away clothes in the closet, that was getting a little cramped now that she had some clothes in there too.

"Hey Bri, what did you have in mind for dinner?"

"Dinner? You mean you actually want to eat something?"

Olivia frowned. Now what? Brian sighed and apologized.

"I didn't mean to snap at you Liv. I'm just a little on edge."

He sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him, inviting her to sit with him. She sat down and waited for him to tell her whatever was bothering him. He was clearly struggling to find the right words and Olivia felt something in her stomach that she had felt a few times before with Brian. Something was off.

"Liv I ... I need to ..."

Tears were welling in his eyes and the knot in Olivia's stomach grew another inch. She closed her eyes and waited for the punch.

"I need to get back to work. To do something different. I ... can't do this 24/7."

It had been only five days. Five days and Brian was done. She didn't know what to say or feel. She didn't really feel anything. She had been kidnapped by a torturing, raping maniac who had held her captive for four days. Now she'd been in Brian's home for five days and _he_ couldn't take it anymore? Olivia didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She got up and walked into the living room to find her phone. She pressed two on speed dial.

"Cragen."

"Captain, it's Olivia. Does that offer for a hotel room still stand?"

...

Brian helped her get settled at the hotel the next day, apologizing profusely and saying this really wasn't necessary. But she knew it was. He wasn't going to be of any help to her like this and once he went back to work, she'd be alone at night. She didn't want to be alone at night in his apartment. And he clearly needed to be able to come home to relax in stead of look after her all day. She could tell he was feeling guilty but he couldn't hide the slight relief he was also feeling. He promised to swing by every day and he would get her groceries and everything else she wanted and he lingered in the hotel room for a while. Olivia knew she couldn't kick him out but if she was really honest, she couldn't wait for him to leave. She didn't have the strength to take care of him. She couldn't even take care of herself right now.  
Finally, she told Brian to go home and get some sleep, since he'd be back at work by midnight. He tried to hide it, but she knew he was relieved to be able to leave.

Olivia tried to get comfortable in her new room. It wasn't a standard hotel room. It was actually quite spacious, thanks to Cragen, no doubt. Directly to the right of the entrance, there was a separate bathroom. In the main area there was a king-size bed and a television on the wall across from the bed. By the window on the far side of the room were a small coffee table and two comfortable armchairs. She had a decent closet for her clothes along the wall of the bathroom, and next to the closet was a smaller cabinet with a water cooker and a coffee maker on top of it, and a small fridge inside. Upon further inspection Olivia found out there was a bath as well as a shower in the bathroom, and she wished she had packed some bath soap. The hotel would probably have some and she called the reception to ask them to bring it up.

Half an hour later Olivia was soaking in the hot water, trying to relax her tired muscles. Now that the unrest of her move to the hotel was over and she was calming down again, they were coming back. The flashbacks. She tensed when she thought she heard someone talking but realized that would happen a lot now. It was a hotel so there would be other people. She heard some music and she was suddenly back in the trunk of the car. Lewis had turned up the radio and had chatted happily with Vanessa Mayer while they drove out to have dinner with her parents. She had been in the trunk the whole time. Olivia opened her eyes and suddenly felt very much alone again. This wasn't working.

After she managed to get out of the tub and get dried off and dressed again, she got her phone. She needed to let Cragen know she had moved to the room he had arranged for her. When she picked her phone up, she noticed she had a text message and she opened it.

 _'Hey, are you up for some company? El.'_

In stead of replying with a text, she hit the call button.

...

Olivia had told him she'd explain later why she had moved to a hotel and Elliot had rushed out of his hotel to get to hers. He would finally get the keys to his new apartment the next day and he was anxious to move in. He couldn't help wondering why Olivia had moved out of Cassidy's apartment though, and _into_ a hotel.  
She opened the door slightly to see who it was before she opened it completely. He knew it was a wise thing to do but he wasn't used to Olivia acting so insecurely. Surely, she had recognized his knock? He walked into her room and was pleasantly surprised by how nice it was.

"Not bad huh?" Olivia asked after locking the door, and he turned around to face her.

"No, but why? I thought Brian had taken several weeks off to help you get back on your feet."

Olivia frowned and walked past him to her makeshift coffee corner.

"Liv? Just ... sit down okay? I don't need coffee."

She complied and walked around the bed to the armchairs. They both sat down and Olivia sighed.

"Brian is going back to work tonight. I didn't want to stay alone in his apartment at night so I decided to move here," she said flatly while staring out the window.

Elliot thought about her words and watched Olivia's body language.

"So ..." he said after a minute, "he couldn't take it anymore?"

She shook her head slightly.

"No."

"I'm sorry Liv."

She looked at him.

"No, you're not."

He saw one corner of her mouth tug up and couldn't suppress a half-smile himself.

"I am," he maintained. "For you."

"I know El. Thank you for that."

They sat in silence for a while. Elliot could tell Olivia was still very tired but he wondered if she had been outside at all yet, aside from her move to the hotel.

"Not really," Olivia admitted. "I've been to the hairdresser, that's it."

"Wanna go for a walk? Just a block or two. You look like you could use some fresh air."

Olivia's hotel was in uptown Manhattan and there were plenty of establishments nearby where they could go. A change of scenery would be good for her. She reluctantly agreed to go outside with him. He helped her put the sling on that she still had to wear when she was up and about to keep her broken wrist up, and helped her get into her coat. They walked downstairs and through the lobby. Once they got outside, Olivia slipped her right hand in his left hand. Elliot smiled and squeezed her hand gently.

He looked at her and his eyes told her _'I'm here._ '

Her eyes replied _'I know'_.

...


	24. Bad blood

**Thank you all for your kind reviews and welcome to the new readers!  
A/N: _Italic print_ are nightmares or flashbacks. They are usually direct quotes from the show.  
Underlined print are also direct quotes from the show ****(which is owned by Dick Wolf and NBC of course).**

24.

It had been nice to be outside in the sun but it had also been very confronting. She had never needed to hold someone's hand, let alone admit after half an hour that she wanted to go back. They had only sat in the small diner for ten minutes but Elliot had been very understanding. Next time, they would go for fifteen minutes, he had joked.

He had stayed with her for another hour and they had talked for a while. Every once in a while, she would share a small detail of what she had experienced. Like when she had to use the bathroom. When she came back out she asked him,

"Did you know that it's possible not to use the bathroom for three whole days? I think it's only possible when you sweat a lot."

Elliot had nodded and had not asked her anything. He had just said,

"Or when you drink too little."

"Right. Or you drink the wrong stuff or use medication that makes you hold water."

Elliot had checked out her supplies and had made mental notes of a few things. He asked if she had anything for snacks and she admitted that she was hardly eating at all. He hadn't commented, just checked that her water supply was sufficient for now.

"The best part about hotels is room service," Olivia remarked.

"Well, make sure you use it then. The department is paying, right? Just order whatever you feel like eating."

She promised she would. Elliot told her he would start moving into his new place the next day and would be busy for a while. But he would make sure to drop by during the weekend. So now she was officially looking at her first night alone after. From now on, her life would be separated into two parts: Before and After. This was her first night alone After. Alone in a hotel room because her boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. After.

Thank God for the 24 hour cartoon channel.

...

Brian came over the next morning. She winced when he tried to kiss her on the cheek and he apologized. Olivia closed her eyes briefly before turning away from the door to follow him to the armchairs.

"How was your first night back at work?" she inquired.

"I had you on my mind all night," he replied.

"I'm sorry."

"No. No, don't apologize. You're on my mind because I love you and I worry about you."

"Okay."

He worried about her but he couldn't be around her.

"How was your first night here?" Brian asked, gesturing around the room. "Get any sleep?"

"No."

"I'm sorry Liv."

"You shouldn't apologize either Brian. We are what we are."

Olivia felt cold, inside and out. She knew Brian was slipping away from her, even though he was still there. There was a reason he had left SVU all those years ago and this was it. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't deal with the victims. How she loathed that word now that it applied to her. We prefer to call them survivors, she had said on numerous occasions. So now she should say, we prefer to be called survivors.

"I'm starting therapy this Monday," she offered, since Brian wasn't making any attempt to keep the conversation going.

"I know. I'm glad Liv. Maybe that doctor can help you deal with this stuff. I know I can't. I'm useless."

Brian hung his head and she knew he was on the brink of crying. He was right. She didn't need this. She needed him to be strong, to be her rock. But he was crumbling and she couldn't have him crumbling in front of her.

"Just take care of yourself Bri," she managed to say.

It was all she could offer and he took it. He left after 45 minutes and Olivia cried silently after he was gone.

...

Elliot couldn't thank Kathy enough for arranging everything for him. Everything he had wanted to take with him to New York had been sent over and it arrived on the exact day he was moving into his new place. Kathleen and Liz had come to help him get settled and Dickie would be dropping by that evening to celebrate his father's arrival with them.

"Dad, where do you want these?" Kathleen asked, pointing at a box containing several framed pictures, all wrapped individually.

"Just leave them on the side table for now honey. I haven't decided where to put them all and I'm still waiting for some furniture to be delivered."

They had gone out to buy him new things for his kitchen as well as a new supply of hygienic products. Liz pulled a bottle of scented oil from a box and couldn't help wondering why her father had bought it.

"Oh, that's for Olivia," Elliot explained. "She should use oil to keep her skin smooth where it's been burned but I noticed she doesn't have any kind of oil at the hotel."

"How is she dad? Do you think she'll be okay?" Kathleen asked.

Elliot walked over to his daughter from the kitchen area that he'd been cleaning, drying his hands with a dish towel, and Liz joined them from the bathroom.

"In time I think she will be," he said. "But it will take a while. She's been through hell."

Both young women nodded. He told them he would be spending a lot of time with Olivia while she was recovering and they both had not expected him to do anything else.

"Of course you'll be there for her dad. You've been friends like forever," Kathleen said.

Liz didn't know Olivia very well but she also understood that her father needed to support his friend, even if that meant he would be away from their mother and Eli a lot longer than he had intended.

"We know your marriage is over dad," Liz told him. "We're just really glad you and mom are still friends."

Kathleen nodded.

"Yeah. I have friends who had it much worse. Their parents were still fighting years after the divorce. Besides, we all love Olivia too."

Elliot looked at his second daughter attentively and she smiled at him and winked before turning back to the boxes that still needed unpacking. Elliot shook his head and looked at Liz. His youngest daughter shrugged.

"As long as we all get along, it's fine with me," she told her father. "Just ... no secrets, okay dad?"

"No secrets," Elliot agreed.

Before he could go into things any further with Liz, Kathleen called him from the living area.

"Dad, why did you get two blenders?"

She was holding up two identical hand blenders and looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

"Ehm ... one is for Liv. She's not eating so I had an idea how to get some nutritious food into her."

"Aha," Kathleen replied. "Well, let's just hope she's not insulted. I don't think she's the type who likes to be fussed over."

Elliot grinned. He would welcome the day Olivia would start to feel insulted over such a thing, because it would mean she was becoming herself again. Until then, he would fuss over her as much as she would allow.

...

 **June, 2013**

Elliot came back on Saturday. On Sunday, Brian was going to be there so he wouldn't come. Elliot told Olivia about his move and how the kids had helped him. She loved hearing about his kids. They were leading normal lives that had not changed After, and she needed as much normalcy in her life as she could get.

Elliot had brought her rubbing oil. The sweet gesture moved her and she chided herself for the emotional response, although Elliot probably didn't notice. And if he did, he wasn't showing it. Elliot encouraged her to use the oil, saying that not only would the oil be good for her skin, but the scent would be good for her. She had to agree that the oil smelled great, a little flowery and a little spicy.

"Did you know smells can be triggers too?" she asked Elliot. "Either for good memories or bad ones?"

He knew and he asked her if the scent of the oil reminded her of anything.

"No, it's completely new for me. So in time, it will probably remind me of this time in my life. Of this hotel room. And of you being here."

She managed a smile and didn't look at Elliot. After having coffee together, they took another walk outside. It went better than the first time and she refrained from holding his hand this time, until a car horn startled her and she jumped. Elliot put an arm around her and they continued walking hand in hand after she had calmed down. He asked her to help him shop for some fruits and vegetables and she agreed to go into the store with him.

"Do you really need that much fruits El?" she asked him when she saw what he was piling into his basket.

"It's not just for me," he told her, without explaining it further.

She wondered if Eli had come over to see him but he said no. He did miss the little man though, and hoped he could come over soon. Kathy would have to take him of course because he was way too young to travel alone.

"It will be good for you all to be together again," Olivia remarked.

Elliot looked at her, his head tilted to the side.

"You do know Kathy and me are over, right?"

"Yeah ..."

She didn't know what to say to that. She was tired and was still having trouble focusing on the present. Right now, she was in a store and Elliot was buying lots of fruits and some other items. Someone knocked over a crate in the back of the store and she jumped again.

"Come on, let's pay for these and head on back," Elliot said.

Back in the hotel room, Elliot suggested she go freshen up in the bathroom while he fixed her something to eat. She didn't want to eat but didn't have the strength to object. She went into the bathroom and sat on the lid of the toilet for a while. It was good to be alone for a few minutes to gather her thoughts. When she heard an unfamiliar sound coming from the room, she came out of the bathroom slowly. What was he up to?

Elliot had been chopping up some of the fruits they had bought - apparently he had brought a knife - and had stuffed the parts into a large cup. She saw a hand blender on her coffee cabinet, still dripping. So that was the weird sound she'd heard. Elliot was pouring some syrup into the cup and wanted to put the blender back in when he spotted her, peeking around the corner of the closet.

"Hey. Sorry for the noise. I'm making you a smoothie. It's almost done."

Olivia put her fingers in her ears while he mixed up the fruits with the syrup. He handed her a glass and she took a sip. She had to admit it tasted good and she took the glass over to the window. She needed to sit down again.

"Just drink what you can. We can put the rest in the fridge," Elliot told her as he sat down across from her. "I'll clean up the mess in a bit."

She was grateful. Elliot wasn't pushing her but he was looking out for her. He never stayed long and she actually felt a little sad when he got up to leave after cleaning up and putting some smoothies in the fridge for her for later. She didn't want to ask him to stay but he must have sensed she wasn't at ease when she walked him to the door.

"Liv, I'll be back soon. You have a big day Monday and you need to rest."

She nodded. He was right. But he didn't know that she didn't rest. She couldn't sleep and when she did fall asleep, she'd wake up in a cold sweat. But she couldn't expect him to stay with her. He needed to relax as well, just like Brian. She didn't want to be a burden to anyone. So she told him she'd try to sleep. Elliot put his hands on her shoulders gently and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

"Call me if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay."

She didn't call Elliot and she didn't sleep much.

 _'I don't need sleep, not after I get on a roll. You're gonna find that out.'_

 _'When?'_

 _'Now.'_

 _'Well, then you might want to loosen these cuffs or take them off.'_

 _'Yeah? Is that right?'_

 _'Yeah. I know you like a struggle. You want to show me how strong you are, overpower me, pin my arms behind my back.'_

 _'No.'_

 _'Come on.'_

 _'No!'_

 _He jumps on top of her and grabs her face. He squeezes, forcing her mouth open and he shoves her gun in._

 _'You don't tell me what to do. Okay?'_

 _He pulls the gun out but holds it close to her mouth._

 _'Now you say ...'_

 _'I wanna live. I'll do anything. I'll do anything!'_

...

Olivia was nervous about her first session with Dr. Lindstrom. She still had not spoken about what had happened with anyone, aside from the few things she had shared with Elliot so far. Her first session consisted mostly of her telling her therapist what had happened. It was kind of like her statement, but she knew that it wouldn't just be a recap of the events. They would go into how it had affected her and she would have to be honest about that.

"And when he was finally subdued ... he was handcuffed ... he kept taunting me like he knew every raw nerve."

"You were in a very vulnerable state. It almost seems as if you're blaming yourself."

"I know better ... but he still got to me."

"Got to you?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "Yeah ... but not the way you think."

Tears were welling in her eyes and she knew Dr. Lindstrom was going to ask her to explain how Lewis had 'gotten to her'. She couldn't tell him though. She couldn't tell him that she had beaten him up with an iron rod while he had been lying on the floor, handcuffed to the bed. She had been completely unprofessional and out of control. And afterwards, she had lied about it. And that wasn't her. Well, it wasn't her Before. Now, After, she didn't know who she was anymore. Lewis had gotten to her by drawing out a part of her that she had always refused to acknowledge. That she had fought against. The anger, the sheer rage, the _desire_ to hurt someone. Even to kill. Her bad blood.

Now that it had come out, Olivia didn't know who she truly was anymore. If it had been anyone else, she would have said it was justifiable. Like Dr. Lindstrom was saying, she'd been in a very vulnerable state and couldn't think straight. A victim could lose control and lash out, it was understandable. But that didn't work for her. Not for detective Benson. She should have known better. Forget the vodka, the Vicodin and the sleeping pills. Forget the torture and the threat of being raped that had lasted for four days. She was NYPD. She knew better. She did blame herself.

Dr. Lindstrom could tell she was struggling with something, but she wasn't going to share her thoughts about this with him. He didn't force her and in stead, he asked her if they could go back to the beginning and talk that first night through during this first session. Olivia nodded. She could do that. The first night. At her apartment.

 _'Welcome home, detective Benson.'_

...

 **A/N: I feel that Lewis getting Olivia to lose control was not worked out properly on the show at all, which is why I'm doing it here. The lack of attention to this detail must have been because the current writers are trying to ignore 12 years of revelations about Olivia's past and her character, so they didn't do anything profound with this issue. Let me know if you agree of if you disagree, I'd like to know :)**


	25. Betrayal

25.

It was the first time she'd been out alone. Olivia had taken a cab to Dr. Lindstrom's office and another cab back to her hotel afterwards. She wanted to be able to do this on her own and she had done it. Brian would have taken her but she had told him not to come. Back in her hotel room, she was glad he wasn't there. After she locked the door, she started shaking uncontrollably. She wasn't crying or feeling unusually afraid or upset, so it must be her body responding to the stress. She managed to get onto the bed and just let it happen. When her body finally calmed down again, she pulled a blanket over herself and just lay there. She closed her eyes, praying that for once she wouldn't have a nightmare if she dozed off.

A knock on the door woke her up. Olivia sat up and looked around, slightly disoriented. She had slept, fully clothed? She wasn't waking up in a cold sweat? There was another knock on the door and she tried to focus on the sound. Her eyes drifted to her phone to check the time. How long had she been asleep?

"Liv? Are you there?"

It was Elliot. Finally, she got her body to move and she stood up to open the door.

"Hey, were you sleeping?" Elliot asked, looking her over with a slight worry in his eyes.

"Yeah, sorry."

She stepped aside to let him in.

"No no, don't apologize. I'm glad you were sleeping. I just came by to see how you were doing after your first therapy session."

Elliot came in and Olivia locked the door behind him. She was debating whether she should tell him about the shaking but decided that it was a normal side effect not worth mentioning. Elliot wasn't fooled easily though and asked her point blank,

"Alright, what aren't you telling me?"

Olivia sighed and sat back down on the bed.

"It's not important," she tried.

Elliot didn't say anything but sat down next to her and waited. It had to be important for her to try and keep it from him. After a minute, she told him what had happened when she got back to the hotel. He agreed that such a physical stress reaction was a normal side effect but he was still glad she had told him.

"Even when you think you know something, it's still good to have your thoughts confirmed by someone else, Liv. It helps you to find your balance. People weren't meant to cope with everything on their own."

Olivia wondered where this sudden wisdom was coming from but then she remembered Elliot had had therapy as well. Elliot nodded and smiled.

"It does work Liv. You'll never hear me say again that shrinking heads doesn't work."

She nudged him with her shoulder and managed a small smile herself.

"We'll see. this was just a first session. I'm looking at a lot more."

Elliot wanted to touch her, put a hand on her back and let her know he'd be there, but he wasn't sure how she would react if he did it without warning her first. She glanced at him and he decided to just ask her.

"Liv, is it okay if I touch you? Like this?"

He moved his hand behind her and she followed his movement with her eyes.

"Yeah, that's okay El. I'm not a leper."

Elliot put a hand on her lower back and moved it in circles gently.

"You know I didn't ask because I'm afraid to touch you," he said softly.

Olivia nodded. She knew. He just didn't want to scare her. His touch wasn't uncomfortable. It was reassuring and she felt strengthened by his presence and by the fact that he had confirmed her physical reaction to the stress was normal. He was right. Having your own thoughts confirmed did help to find balance. It was something she would have to do much, much more often over the next few weeks.

Elliot told her it was already afternoon and decided to make her another batch of smoothies, since she had drank all of the first ones. He announced he was adding a secret ingredient this time and she let him work while she went into the bathroom to use the toilet and freshen up a little. Her hair was messy from sleeping and she wondered why she hadn't had a bad dream this time. Maybe it had something to do with what Elliot had said, that she wasn't completely alone in this anymore now that she was seeing a therapist. When she came back out, Elliot had finished blending her fruits and handed her a glass. She didn't recognize any particular new ingredients but she nodded when she spotted a box of oatmeal among Elliot's groceries. Right. Fibers. The smoothie still tasted good so she had two glasses before she felt completely full.

When Elliot was satisfied that she had drank slash eaten enough, they had a cup of coffee together. He encouraged her to have another oatmeal smoothie before going to bed that night. Again, Olivia felt a small pang of disappointment when Elliot told her he'd be leaving soon. She finally worked up the courage to mention it to him. She didn't want to seem needy but she did want to know.

"Hey El, why do you always leave so soon? I feel like your visits are always so short."

Olivia was sitting up in bed, two pillows behind her to support her back while she watched the news on TV. Elliot looked at her and then at the bed, and she gestured for him to sit down. He kicked off his shoes and scooted over to her on top of the blankets.

"Liv, to be honest, you look dead-tired every time I see you so I don't want to wear you out too much," Elliot explained. "Besides, I'm assuming Brian comes over every day too so I don't want to overstay my welcome."

Olivia shook her head.

"Brian's visits are even shorter than yours. He doesn't know how to be around me."

Elliot contemplated her words for a few seconds and then Olivia added,

"You do."

Elliot patted her right hand with his right hand and leaned closer to her.

"I know you, Olivia. I know not to push you or underestimate you, and I know that you need time before you open up. About anything. I just hope ..."

He hesitated and Olivia moved her hand from underneath his to put it on top of his hand.

"Just say it El."

"I just hope you're not trying to be too brave and that you won't keep everything bottled up inside. It will blow up in your face sooner or later."

Elliot saw genuine pain in her eyes and she looked away from him. He didn't want to push her away from him so he told her,

"But Liv, even if you do bottle it up and it blows up later on, I'll still be here to help you pick up the pieces. Alright?"

Olivia turned her head to look at him again.

"Alright?" he asked her again, locking eyes with her.

"Alright. Thank you El," she said softly.

After Elliot had left, Olivia took a few deep breaths. His choice of words had triggered another memory. _He_ had told her she was all bottled up. And _he_ had made her blow up in a way that scared her now. A very violent way. She had seen a side of herself she didn't want to know was there. But it was. It was in her blood.

...

Olivia would have three therapy sessions a week the first two weeks, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. They had discussed the first night during the first session, and spent the next session on day two. She didn't remember much of that day because Lewis had been experimenting with her tolerance of alcohol and medication. She'd been passed out most of the day and each time she'd woken up, she would have more burns on her chest and her abdomen. She honestly didn't know if Lewis had ever taken her clothes off of her while she was unconscious. There had been no way for her to tell but she suspected he'd had his hands inside her bra a few times. He had probably masturbated over or near her as well. She remembered a very distinct smell she could only describe as the smell of sperm and she had heard him make certain sounds once, while she had been sort of conscious and had remained very still to buy some time. There had been no clear traces of semen on her body though, just some smears where he had grabbed her hair and face with unwashed hands. She hadn't asked about her clothes or about her apartment. She trusted CSU to be careful with any trace evidence and she didn't need to know everything right now.

The session ended with questions about her emotional and physical response to the events, and which emotions were the most prominent for her right now, two weeks after it had happened. Dr. Lindstrom confirmed Elliot's take on the shaking and gave her a few pointers to recognize certain triggers and responses. He also suggested she start keeping a journal and write down anything positive or negative that stood out for her on any given day.

On Wednesday afternoon, Brian showed up again after two days of absence. He had called a few times to ask how she was doing and she tried to understand that he needed some space to come to terms with all that had happened.

Olivia had been trying to relax in bed with a magazine after lunch. She had actually made a smoothie herself and while it didn't taste like the ones Elliot had made, she had managed to make something digestible of it. Afterwards, she had taken a shower, and had taken her time to rub her scars with the oil Elliot had given her. While it was difficult to accept the fresh scars, it felt good to start taking care of herself again. She ended up rubbing the oil on just about all the skin she could reach with just one hand.

Paying attention to her own body and taking care of it had made her feel a little more grounded. It had shaken her to find a burn mark on the inside of her left thigh. How did that get there? Did he burn her through her pants or ...? She had to take a few deep breaths. There had been no DNA traces on her legs at all. As she continued rubbing her legs and found more smooth skin that was just as healthy as Before, she had calmed down again. She had put on clean pajamas and had taken a bottle of water and a few magazines to bed with her.

Brian asked if he could sit on the bed with her. She didn't mind and he snuggled up beside her, his left arm behind her and his right hand on her right arm. Olivia smiled at him and then turned her attention back to the magazine, telling him about this article she was reading about vineyards in France. She frowned when Brian started moving his hand up along her arm, pushing her sleeve up as he caressed her skin. What was he doing? When her sleeve wouldn't go up any further, Brian moved his hand down again. His knuckles grazed the side of her breast and his hand lingered there.

"Bri," Olivia said.

She tried to keep breathing regularly but she felt a slight panic rise up in her chest.

"Please. Don't."

She kept staring at her magazine but all her senses were focused on Brian's hand. More specifically, on his intention, the reason he was putting his hand on her.

"Liv, I miss you. So much," Brian said softly. "It's only me. I'm not trying to hurt you."

He removed his hand then, and Olivia breathed out slowly.

"I know that Brian, but my mind and my body are doing things right now that I can't control. I ... can't."

She was trembling and she hated being so vulnerable. But surely, Brian would understand that sex was absolutely the furthest thing from her mind right now.

"Maybe I can help you," Brian tried again. He put his hand over hers. "You know, so you can be with me again. You know I'll be gentle."

He didn't get it. She pulled her hand away.

"Brian, it's not that I don't feel like it. I just ... can't. Literally. Just the thought makes me freak out. And that has nothing to do with you but everything with what's happened to me."

She was trying to explain it as best she could but he still seemed hurt. Her heart was racing but she willed herself to stay calm.

"I'm sorry Brian. I wish it wasn't like this, but it is. I have nothing to offer you right now. I hope you'll be patient with me because I wouldn't want you to start looking elsewhere ..."

Brian tensed and he looked away. He might as well have punched her in the gut.

"O my God, you already have!"

There was guilt written all over his face when he looked at her again.

"Liv, it didn't mean anything, honestly. I just ..."

The words died on his tongue when he saw the horror and the pain in her eyes. He reached for her but she swatted his hand away from her.

"Get out," she whispered while sitting up on her knees.

"Liv ..."

"Get. Out."

Brian moved off the bed but tried to say something again. Olivia glared at him, feeling an anger inside her that was about to come out. He'd better leave right now or she didn't know what she'd do. She got up as well and Brian started retreating towards the door.

"Liv, it was just ..."

"Get out!"

She was almost yelling now, barely containing her emotions and Brian took a few more steps back until he was just two feet away from the door.

"Liv, I love you ..."

She lost it then and pushed him hard in the chest with both hands until his back hit the door.

"Get _out_ and don't _ever_ come back!" she screamed. "Get out! Out! Out!"

She stood frozen in place, her chest heaving, as Brian quickly grabbed his coat and left the room. As soon as the door closed behind him, Olivia collapsed on the floor. She screamed once more and then lay down on the floor and cried, deep sobs wracking her body. She cried about everything and nothing. About what had been done to her and what she had done. About the rage she had felt again and about Brian's betrayal. She cried because she was once again alone and because she had always been alone. Because she was out of control and didn't know what to do. Because she was so damn tired yet afraid to sleep. Because her body was hurting and her soul even more. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore. Then she got up and dragged herself onto the bed. She slipped under the blankets and pulled the sheet over her head. She just wanted to disappear.

...

Elliot had called Olivia twice but she wasn't picking up. He wanted to hear how she was doing after her second therapy session. He couldn't imagine she was anywhere other than in her hotel room so after calling her number one more time, he decided just to head on over. It wasn't like her to ignore her phone and he was worried about her. Had the session been that bad? Was she locking herself away from the world?

He knocked on the door but didn't hear a sound. He knocked again, a little louder.

"Liv? It's Elliot."

He thought he heard something then and held his breath while he listened. He started breathing again when he heard her unlock the door. She opened it and turned away from him immediately to walk towards the bed. Elliot closed and locked the door behind him and looked at her. She was sitting on the bed sideways, curled up against the headboard, her arms wrapped around her knees and her chin leaning on her knees.

She had been crying. He could count on one hand the number of times he had seen her cry over the years. Elliot surveyed the room quickly but everything seemed to be in order. Olivia was in her pajamas and her bed wasn't made but that wasn't worrying in itself. He approached the bed slowly and sat down at her right, leaning his back against the headboard, and looked at her. She was staring past him, frowning slightly, and he could tell she was trying to hold back fresh tears.

"Tough session?" he asked her softly after a minute.

Olivia shook her head.

"No."

A single tear ran down her cheek and Elliot suppressed the urge to reach out and wipe it away. She wasn't upset because of her therapy session? Then what? She looked like hell. He watched her as she tried to compose herself and he could see she was debating with herself what she was going to share with him. So he waited. After several minutes, she spoke again.

"Brian was here."

Elliot frowned. Brian effing Cassidy, who couldn't stand to be around his own girlfriend in her time of need. What had he done now?

"He wanted ... he ..."

Olivia took a deep, shaky breath and Elliot scooted closer to her and placed his hand on her shoulder gently. She released her firm grip on her knees and lifted her head to look at him.

"He said he missed me. _Being_ with me."

Elliot's eyes went wide. Had he understood correctly? Had Cassidy actually asked her to ...

"I can't, Elliot. _You_ understand, don't you? Why couldn't he?"

She sniffled, just once.

"Of course I understand. How could he even think about that now? _You_ should be his priority, not what he thinks _he_ needs!"

Olivia blinked at the harshness of his voice and he moved even closer to her so he could wrap his arm around her shoulders. She moved her legs out of the way and scooted closer to him, into his arm.

"Well, he got what he needed. From someone else."

"He what?!"

Olivia flinched at the sound of his voice again and hung her head, covering her face with her hands.

"I kicked him out El. He ch ... cheated on me."

...

Elliot had to take several very deep breaths while processing what Olivia had just told him. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from uttering a few very nasty words. Talk about kicking someone when they're down. He wanted to jump up and hit something, or rather someone. He'd better not run into Cassidy for a while. He didn't know what he would do to him. But Olivia was falling apart next to him. After everything she'd been through she had been hurt even more profoundly. The man who was supposed to be there for her, had let her down repeatedly. He hadn't missed her for several days after she had been taken. He couldn't take care of her after she was rescued. And now he had betrayed her in the most devastating way by cheating on her.

"You didn't deserve that Liv," Elliot said, his voice tense but he managed to keep his rage under control.

Olivia had stiffened but had not moved out of his arm. Elliot moved his other hand to caress her cheek and Olivia lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes were empty aside from a deep hurt and he knew that whatever he said now wouldn't do any good. She didn't need words right now and she definitely didn't need his outrage at what Cassidy had done to her. She was feeling enough of that herself. He pulled her closer to him and felt her relax slightly against him. She rested her head against his shoulder and he scooted a little lower so she would be more comfortable while he guided her left arm across his waist. She was wearing a removable splint now to support her broken wrist and she let it rest on his abdomen. Elliot put his other arm around her carefully and held her close.

"I've got you Liv," he whispered in her hair. "I've got you."

Olivia sighed a few times and she felt Elliot stroke her back, silently letting her know it was alright to let go. She was struggling to hold back the tears but finally gave in. She was safe with Elliot. He wouldn't hurt her and he wouldn't judge her. And so she cried again. She wasn't alone. Not this time.

...


	26. Stay

26.

There was no need to tell her she was better off without the guy. That he wasn't the love of her life anyway. Elliot just held her while she cried and no words were needed at all. It was too much at once and she would need time, a lot of time, to find ways to deal with all of it. With her abduction, with the torture she had endured both physically and mentally, and with Brian's betrayal. All he could do was let her know she wasn't alone. When she calmed down after a while, he suggested that she try to eat something. It was past 7 pm already and he hadn't eaten yet either. Olivia said she wasn't hungry but Elliot asked if it was okay if he ordered something. He hoped the smell of an actual meal would encourage her to eat some real food, because she couldn't sustain herself with smoothies indefinitely.

While Elliot called a local restaurant to order some take-out he'd pick up in half an hour, Olivia went to the bathroom. She felt absolutely drained after crying several times that afternoon and couldn't really think straight. She was glad Elliot was there though, to make decisions for her. She looked in the mirror and hardly recognized herself. She was white as a sheet aside from her red, puffy eyes, and the fading bruises in her face were really standing out now. Her hair was a mess again and she had a brief flashback to the moment she'd seen herself in the mirror for the first time after she had overpowered Lewis. She shook off the image and used the toilet.

When she was done, she suddenly spotted some blood and panicked. Why was she bleeding? Had she hurt herself or had someone hurt her while she was asleep? Her breath quickened and she started checking herself for cuts, until it dawned on her that she was just having her period. It shouldn't surprise her that her cycle was off after all she'd been through. She needed a minute to process what was happening and how she had panicked when she saw blood. She had never been afraid of blood. _Come on, Benson_. She cleaned herself up and realized she didn't have any pads. It was a simple thing but she wanted to cry again.

She heard Elliot call her from the room.

"Liv? I'm going to run out and get the food now, okay? I won't be long."

She pulled her panties and pajama pants up quickly and unlocked the bathroom door.

"El, wait!"

Elliot stopped, his hand already on the door handle.

"I ... I ..."

Elliot walked over to her, a worried look on his face.

"What is it Liv? Is something wrong?"

She shook her head.

"No ... it's just ... I need some pads and I didn't bring any."

"Pads? Oh, I see. I'll pick some up for you."

Olivia wondered if he really knew what she meant. He smiled.

"I have three daughters Liv, I know what you need. I'll hurry back."

...

Olivia waited in the bathroom and sat down on the toilet again, afraid to sit down anywhere else and make stains. Her emotions were all over the place. Not having any pads had almost made her cry, and now the fact that Elliot was getting them for her also made her feel like crying. She didn't know what she'd do without Elliot right now and it scared her to be dependent on someone else. But she definitely couldn't depend on herself right now. And if it had to be anyone, she wanted it to be Elliot. He was the only one who truly knew her - at least most of her - and had never let her down. He had moved away, but he had also come back. He had promised her he'd be her partner for better or worse and now that worse had come, he was here.

Elliot treated her with respect, just like he always had. He wasn't treating her like a victim and he didn't judge her. She wasn't used to bearing her soul to anyone but she knew she was vulnerable right now and might show more of herself than she used to be comfortable with. But she also knew she'd be safe with Elliot. He wouldn't crumble and he wouldn't shy away. He would be her rock.

Olivia cringed when she thought of Brian. How could he have slept with another woman while saying he loved her? He said it meant nothing but it meant a lot of things. That he had even been able to look at another woman while she was so broken ... she didn't have words for how it made her feel. Was she that unlovable? Had she just been a body to enjoy? She had believed he cared about her, but now?

A knock on the door of the room pulled her out of her depressing thoughts and she got up slowly, hoping she wouldn't start bleeding again. Elliot should have a key, she thought. When she realized what she was thinking she shook her head. She trusted him that completely? Yes, she did.

Elliot had brought Chinese and she had to admit it smelled great. He handed her a pack of pads and a box of tampons. She looked at him with her eyebrows raised. She hadn't asked for tampons. Elliot shrugged.

"For when you take a bath," he said matter-of-factly.

Thoughtful. So thoughtful. He really was used to having women around him.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Olivia grabbed some clean panties from the closet and went back into the bathroom. Meanwhile, Elliot arranged the food on a towel on the bed. The small table at the window was too small, he thought, and Olivia would have to reach too far from the cushy armchairs to reach anything. He had brought drinks in bottles and had also brought some yogurt drinks and milk in bottles in case Olivia's stomach had trouble getting used to spicy food again.

When Olivia came back out, she seemed taken aback when she saw what he'd done. He said he was getting food for himself but he had brought extra, of course. She didn't say anything and sat down on the bed on top of the covers, her legs tucked underneath her.

"This looks nice," she said, squinting slightly as she looked at him. "Doesn't look like a table for one."

Elliot shrugged.

"I guess I ordered a little too much. Care to help me with this?"

Olivia didn't protest. He should have known her defenses were down but it still struck him that she wasn't resisting at all. It wasn't like her and he knew she was truly broken, even more so than before. The initial numbness after the assault had subsided and she was beginning to realize that her life really would never be the same, and that she would have to deal with that. Dumbass Cassidy's infidelity wasn't helping either and Elliot knew he would have to be very careful with Olivia for now. He didn't want to overstep any boundaries during her time of weakness.

Olivia picked up one of the boxes and tried some Chinese food. It didn't taste too bad and she managed to eat half a portion and a few egg rolls. Her stomach started to hurt a bit and Elliot handed her a bottle of milk. Much to her surprise, it helped settle her stomach after a while. She leaned against the headboard of the bed and stretched her legs out in front of her while she watched Elliot eat. He seemed at ease but it also seemed like there was always something on his mind. He must have a million questions but so far, he had not asked her anything about what she'd been through. Thinking back, she realized that all he had done since he'd been back was give her space and check that she had everything she needed.

She had been in a daze most of the time but was beginning to think more clearly now. She counted the days in her head and concluded it had been twelve days since she'd freed herself and her kidnapping had ended. Her cracked ribs were giving her less trouble and her wrist had started to heal, just like her cuts, burns and bruises. Her body was recovering and she was finally starting to eat again. She still wasn't sleeping much but she wasn't up all night every night anymore either. Also, her dreams were changing. She still dreamed of Lewis putting the gun in her mouth and getting ready to rape her. She had dreamt once that he actually raped her in stead of Mrs. Mayer and it had felt so real that she had thrown up afterwards. But her last two dreams had been different. They had been about Lewis taunting her after she'd handcuffed him. About the rage she had felt. And in both dreams, she had killed him.

"Hey."

Olivia looked up and into Elliot's worried eyes.

"Where were you?"

He had seen her turn completely inward. One moment, she was watching him empty out a carton of take-out, and the next moment she was staring straight ahead with a frown on her face. She'd been miles away and he could see pain and anger in her eyes. Her breathing was shallow and he wondered if she was having a flashback of some kind. She hadn't told him what had happened with Lewis yet and he hadn't asked her to. It was ironic in a way, but now that Cassidy had lost his spot next to her, Elliot thought she might open up to him further. He wasn't going to ask her though. It was completely up to her.

"Ehm ... just thinking," was Olivia's neutral reply.

"Hm. No happy thoughts from the looks of it."

"No."

She looked at him and he could see she was trying to put up a brave front. He didn't want her to. It had been difficult to leave her alone at the hotel each time but he found the prospect even more difficult this time. She opened her mouth to say something but Elliot put up a hand to stop her.

"Don't. Liv, you don't have to tell me anything, just ... don't say you're fine, okay?"

She closed her eyes for a second and when she opened them again, he could see the beginning of tears in them. She blinked them away quickly and looked down at her hands.

"Okay."

She picked up the remote that was lying next to her pillow and switched on the TV. The 24 hour cartoon channel popped up on the screen and Elliot smiled. She switched to a news channel but he understood why she would watch such innocent entertainment at night. Elliot cleaned up after dinner and they watched the news together. It was past 9 already and Elliot asked Olivia if she was up for some coffee. She had crawled under the blankets and shook no.

"No more caffeine for me tonight El. But you can have some."

She seemed tired and ready to fall asleep at any moment but he had a feeling she didn't want him to leave just yet. So he made himself a cup of coffee and sat down beside her on the bed again while she flipped through the channels until she found a documentary about African wildlife. They watched it for a while. She seemed relaxed now and relatively at peace. He suspected that she was trying very hard to stay awake and wanted to tell her it was okay to go to sleep. She looked up at him and smiled.

"I'm sorry I'm not better company El," she said softly and clearly sleepy.

"That's okay Liv. I'm just glad you're relaxing. Why don't I lock up here and you can get some sleep."

She fixed her gaze on the television screen again but he could tell she wasn't really watching the program anymore.

"Liv?"

"Yeah."

Her voice was trembling and she hated it. She hated sounding so needy. But she didn't want Elliot to go. She was afraid to have that dream again and she was afraid to wake up alone afterwards. But she couldn't ask him to stay. He needed to get home. She switched off the television and turned on her left side, away from him.

"You can go if you want," she said softly. "You can't stay here all night."

"If you say so."

She frowned and turned on her back to look at him. If she said so? What was that supposed to mean? Would he want to stay? She hadn't expected that. Why would he want to? There wasn't anything in it for him. She wasn't used to someone doing something for her just because they wanted to do something for her. But she did want him to stay. She just couldn't say it.

Elliot got up from the bed and she followed him with her eyes. He closed the curtains and checked the door. He rinsed out his coffee cup in the bathroom and set it on the coffee cabinet. She heard him use the toilet and wash his hands. He came back out of the bathroom and sat down beside her on her side of the bed.

"Liv, I understand that this was a tough day for you. If you want me to stay, just say so and I will."

She wanted to cry again. She really didn't know who she was anymore and she was afraid she'd never be herself again. Elliot was looking straight into her soul and she closed her eyes.

"This isn't me, El," she whispered.

"I know," she heard him say. "That's why I'm offering to stay."

She definitely wanted to cry and she hated it. But she would hate being alone even more, so she said it.

"Please ... stay."

Elliot got up again and Olivia opened her eyes. She saw him walk over to her closet and open it.

"What are you looking for?" she asked him.

"Something to wear other than my jeans."

He turned around to face her and she understood.

"It's okay El. Don't worry about it."

He nodded and switched off a few lights until just the one above the headboard of the bed was still on. Olivia kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling while Elliot took off his jeans, his socks and his sweater and she glanced at him as he slid under the covers in just his boxer shorts and a white t-shirt. He lay down on his left side and held out his left arm.

"C'mere."

Olivia lifted her head so he could move his arm under her neck and scooted closer to him, turning on her left side as well. She breathed out slowly when he pulled her against him and moved his right arm around her waist. She finally relaxed in his hold and rested her back against his warm chest.

"I've got your back Liv," Elliot said softly. "You don't have to be alone. Not while I'm around."

Olivia closed her eyes and swallowed hard. Her partner had her back. Quite literally at the moment. She hadn't felt this safe in twelve long days. She listened to his regular breathing and found comfort in his warm body, spooning hers. She moved her right arm to cover his arm and her hand to cover his hand. There was no threat in his touch. No ulterior motive. Only safety and protection. And love.

...


	27. Stand by you

**I heard a song on the radio the other day and it moved me. I thought this is what Elliot is feeling right now. I have incorporated a few lyrics in this chapter - maybe there will be more later on. It's Rachel Platten's Stand by you.**

27.

 _She was there again and he was taunting her again. Those words, that kept echoing in her mind, day and night. They were becoming a blur. One long string of insults, trying to draw out her dark side. And succeeding._

 _'My old partner ... he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done._ _He would kick your teeth in. Break your legs. Break your arms. Break your back. Break your face._ _Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you, huh? And make you beg for your life.'_

' _Then do it._ _Do something._ _Please, God, that speech, that's the saddest thing I ever heard in my life.'_

' _Are you gonna shoot me? You don't have it in you._ _You want to, but you can't, 'cause you're a nice girl.'_

' _That old partner of yours well, he sounds very macho, doesn't he?_ _It must've been tough for you all those long nights alone in the car.'_

' _You don't get to talk about him.'_

' _Did he ever do you? He did, didn't he? You still want him._ _I can hear it in your voice._ _You're all bottled up.'_

 _'I know exactly what I want._ _I want you dead._ _I want a bullet in your head.'_

 _'Oh, just do it._ _Do it right now._ _Come on, while you're angry just shoot me._ _Do it._ _It's gonna feel so good._ _Just shoot me.'_

 _She screamed. She was beating him with the rod. Smashing his skull in. She could hear bones breaking. There was blood everywhere and she just wanted more._ _Rage was consuming her._ _He. Has. To. Die! Suddenly it wasn't Lewis but it was Brian. And she kept on beating him. She was seeing red and let the darkness take over. She no longer was detective Benson. She was her father. She was her mother. She was not a nice girl. She was evil._

Elliot jolted awake when he heard Olivia scream. She was sitting up in bed, clutching her chest while trying to catch her breath. Elliot sat up as well, careful not to touch her but moving into her line of sight. He had to make sure she knew where she was and who he was, before he did anything. She seemed to notice him but she wasn't registering yet who he was.

"Liv, it's me, Elliot," he said softly. "You're safe. You had a nightmare."

Olivia blinked a few times and slowly he could see awareness seep into her eyes. She looked away from him and looked at her hands, moving them away from her chest so she could see them better. She was trembling and taking deep breaths. Then she looked at him again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"There is nothing to be sorry for Liv," he assured her but she nodded.

"Yes there is. There is ..."

She turned away from him, hiding her face from him while she tried to catch her breath. It had seemed even more real this time. She could even smell the blood. And then it had been Brian and she couldn't stop. She began to feel sick and put her hands on her stomach. Somehow, she had thought it would help if Elliot stayed. But it had happened again anyway. She heard Elliot move behind her and suddenly she wished he wasn't there. He would want to know about her nightmare and she just couldn't tell him. She felt the mattress dip and then felt Elliot scooting next to her.

"You wanna talk about it?" Elliot asked gently.

"No."

How could she talk about it? She hadn't told anyone. Not this part. Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders but she shook it off. She had no right to his comfort. If he knew what she had done, he wouldn't want to come near her.

"Come lie back down," Elliot said, and she turned back around slowly. As long as she didn't have to talk about her dream, she would lie back down.

Elliot moved back to his side of the bed and helped her get under the covers.

"What time is it?" she asked. She could see some faint light on the floor in front of the window below the curtains.

"A little past six."

"In the morning?"

She was genuinely surprised.

"Yes, in the morning. Is that so strange?" Elliot asked a little surprised.

"So ... I've slept for eight hours straight ..."

It _had_ helped that Elliot had stayed. It must have, because she never slept for eight hours straight. Ever. The darkness of her nightmare began to subside a little and she glanced at Elliot. He was lying on his back, his hands clasped together behind his head. He must be wondering why she had woken up screaming but she couldn't tell him. She was wide awake now, and knowing she had slept all night, she didn't think she could sleep anymore. Elliot didn't seem to be trying either.

"I'm going to take a shower," she said suddenly and she got up quickly.

Elliot didn't comment and watched her walk to the bathroom. He was glad Olivia had slept so well. While she had fallen asleep almost immediately after they had gone to bed, he had been awake for quite a while. He had not planned to stay with her all night. He hadn't even expected it to be an option. But seeing her struggle with not only the effects of her kidnapping but the end of her relationship as well, he knew she really shouldn't be alone. He was surprised how much she still trusted him and to see her fall asleep in his arms almost instantly. He needed to tread lightly with her because her defenses had been down. She had been right when she told him, this wasn't her. He needed to continue giving her space because as easy-going she had been the evening before, he knew she might make a one-eighty at any moment. She was a fighter by nature and he was certain she wouldn't stop being one for long.

Keeping himself out of the equation would not be easy though. While there had been nothing romantic or sexual about getting into bed with Olivia last night, she had still had a profound effect on him. He could hardly believe she had let him hold her all night and holding her in his arms had moved him deeply. His love for her had overwhelmed him. When he made the decision to come back to New York, he had never expected things to change for them so quickly. And while he loathed Cassidy for cheating on Olivia, he was only too happy to take his place by her side. He had held back before, out of respect for Olivia's choice to be with the man. But from now on he would be there if she needed someone to lean on, day or night.

 _Hands, put your empty hands in mine.  
_ _And scars, show me all the scars you hide.  
_ _And hey, if your wings are broken, borrow mine 'til yours can open too.  
_ _Cause I'm gonna stand by you._

 _Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through.  
_ _Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through hell with you.  
_ _Love, you're not alone.  
_ _Cause I'm gonna stand by you._

Olivia was taking a long time in the bathroom and Elliot decided to get up as well and get dressed. He would like to freshen up too but it would have to wait. After opening the curtains, he decided to make some breakfast. He checked Olivia's fridge and the small supply of groceries she had in a shopping bag next to the coffee cabinet. He chopped up a few tomatoes and was surprised to find a pack of thin crackers at the bottom of the shopping bag. He was rummaging through the rest of the groceries to find something else to put on the crackers when Olivia emerged from the bathroom. She was wearing a white hotel robe and he watched her as she opened her closet to find some clean clothes. He noticed that most of her clothes were in a pile at the bottom of the closet and he heard her sigh.

"I really need to get to the laundry room soon," she mumbled, pulling out her last clean pair of jeans and a dark blue t-shirt.

"We can go after breakfast," Elliot replied and Olivia looked at him as if she only just noticed he was there.

Her eyes dropped to the beginnings of breakfast on her coffee cabinet and looked up at Elliot again.

"What are you doing?" she asked, closing the closet and holding her clothes in front of her.

"Trying to make breakfast," he said with a smile, "but there isn't much to work with. Maybe we should go out in stead."

She seemed to contemplate his suggestion.

"So," she said pensively, "you want to take me out for breakfast and then go do my laundry?"

He knew this could go both ways. Either she would be glad she wasn't alone, or she would say she didn't need her hand held and could take care of herself. For once, he wasn't sure what it would be. Clearly, eight hours of sleep and a long shower had done her some good and despite the way she had woken up, she seemed stronger than before. He decided that he would test how much resistance she was going to give him.

"Yes, that's the plan. And then we'll have to get some more groceries because I can't make a decent meal with what you have here."

Olivia was contemplating his plans and bit her lower lip while she scanned the unfinished breakfast again. She grabbed a piece of tomato and popped it into her mouth.

"I don't need a big breakfast. Some tomatoes and crackers will be fine. There is butter in the fridge. But you can have room service bring something up if you want. I've hardly ordered anything so far so I'm sure the department won't mind."

She walked back to the bathroom with her clothes and Elliot was surprised at how easily she seemed to be going along with his plans. He ordered some breakfast and watched Olivia eat two buttered crackers, some more pieces of tomato and a banana. She had some yogurt drink and then made them coffee while Elliot finished eating his toast and eggs. She was barefoot and was wearing a grey hoody over her jeans and t-shirt. Her hair was still damp and she wasn't wearing a speck of makeup. Even after what she had been through, with a splint around her wrist and fading bruises still gracing her face and neck, he thought she was beautiful.

Olivia was aware that Elliot was watching her. It didn't make her feel uncomfortable but she didn't want him to see right through her. She felt her defense mechanism kick in. She didn't want to be so vulnerable, like she had been the day before. Still, it felt completely natural that Elliot was with her. Aside from their surroundings, it almost felt like old times, when they would have breakfast together before coming in for work. She really needed to do her laundy soon - she didn't even have clean socks anymore - and it was reassuring that Elliot was going to be there. Not that she wouldn't have been able to manage on her own. It was just easier to do it together. Dr. Lindstrom would have a field day with that, she thought, grinning at the prospect. He had been trying to make her see she didn't have to do everything alone.

She turned back around with their coffee, a small smile playing on her lips as she walked back towards the window. Elliot watched her and it struck him again how beautiful she was. She caught him staring an raised an eyebrow, her smile getting a little wider. He shifted in his chair, feeling a little uncomfortable and he was relieved that she didn't call him on it. She set their coffee on the small table and plopped in the other armchair.

"So. First the laundry and then what? Do you have the whole day planned out yet?"

"As if you would let me plan your day," he said, testing the waters some more.

Olivia shrugged.

"It's not like I have a lot to do these days. I can't even start working out again until this stupid splint comes off."

She was grateful that Elliot wasn't bringing up her nightmare again. She was already dreading the therapy session that would address the final day of her kidnapping. Tomorrow they would deal with day three, the first day they had changed locations. She took a sip of her coffee and tried not to think about that day any further.

"How did you break your wrist anyway?"

The question startled her and she knew Elliot had registered her shock. She had to think of something quick. _Back away, back away_.

"It must have been during the struggle," she said quickly. "When I broke free and overpowered him."

Elliot knew something was off. She could see it in his eyes and the way he was sitting up and looking away from her now, chewing his bottom lip. He knew her too well and she needed to stop this conversation right away. They had always been the best at not talking about things and this would be a great time to pick up that old habit.

"Does it matter? It'll heal."

"Liv ..."

"I don't want to talk about it El."

Her voice had sounded harsh and she hadn't intended it to sound that way. But it was clear to him now that the subject was off limits. He was looking at her again though, trying to read her and now it was her turn to look away.

Elliot knew she was hiding something. He couldn't imagine why though. Why would it be a secret how she broke her wrist? Unless ... He felt a knot forming in his stomach. What if she _had_ been raped and didn't want anyone to know? What if that was when she had broken her wrist, trying to fight off Lewis? The rape kit hadn't shown any evidence of rape but maybe he had used protection for once or maybe it hadn't been vaginal ... He knew he couldn't ask her about it. Not right now anyway. Her defensive walls were coming back up and he didn't want to push her away from him. She was looking out the window and he knew that look. That stubborn look that told him just to drop it. So he would, for now.

"Alright, what would you like to do today? You wanna see my new place?"

Olivia was relieved and grateful that Elliot wasn't pressing the matter, and seeing his new place actually sounded like a nice distraction. First, they gathered all her laundry and spent some time in the hotel laundry room. After bringing everything back up to her room, they got some groceries for her and for him. They took Elliot's shopping bag with them and headed to his new apartment.

Olivia looked at all the people in the streets while they drove to Greenwich Village. They were all leading normal lives - as far as she could tell - and she longed to be one of them again. To not have her life divided into Before and After. But there was no going back to Before. She would have to find normalcy again After. She looked at Elliot, who was focused on driving the busy streets of Manhattan. He was actually back and seemed to have nothing better to do than to keep her company. Was he going to be a permanent part of her life After? She glanced at his hands on the steering wheel. He was still wearing his wedding ring. He had told her that his marriage was basically over but they were taking things one step at a time. He was supposed to be in New York for two weeks and then go back for a while. Weren't those two weeks over yet? They must be. He was there in the hospital and that was now thirteen days ago. He was heading back to Santa Cruz tomorrow?

"We're here."

Olivia looked around while Elliot parked the car in front of a four story apartment building. It was a quiet street and the building seemed well-kept. There were a few penthouses on the top floor. Elliot said he was on the third floor and they walked up. Olivia realized that she would really need to start working out again as soon as possible because she was out of breath when they reached Elliot's apartment.

Elliot grinned when he opened the door for her.

"Elevator next time?"

Olivia shoved him playfully.

"Step aside old man. I'll be in shape again in no time."

She heard him laugh softly behind her as she entered the apartment. She was curious and looked around while Elliot put his groceries away. The kitchen was directly on the right. It wasn't very big but everything was there, including a breakfast bar with four stools around it, which served as a natural divider between the kitchen and the living area. The living room was straight ahead and she walked towards the window at the far end of the room. It was actually a sliding door which led to a nice balcony. The living room was modest but the comfortable grey leather couch and the single matching armchair gave it a very homey feeling.

Aside from a rather large old fashioned wooden display cabinet, there wasn't a lot of other furniture in the room. Just a small coffee table, a side table with several framed pictures on it and a cabinet with a TV on top and an audio system and some CD's inside. Olivia walked over to the side table and studied all the pictures that were on it. There were pictures of Elliot's kids at different ages, and one of the entire family together, including Kathy. It looked like it had been taken in a studio, probably shortly before the couple had left for Santa Cruz with Eli. She spotted one picture of their squad and picked it up to take a closer look. Judging from her haircut, it was taken about five years ago. She was wearing the brown leather jacket she'd worn practically every day back then. She and Elliot were at the center of the picture, smiling at the camera, while Munch, Fin and Cragen were looking at them, laughing. She remembered now when it had been taken. A reporter had wanted a picture of the unit and the team had pushed the both of them forward, saying they were the faces of the unit anyway. Since the reporter started snapping pictures right away, they had put on their best smiles while the others were making jokes about them. Munch had made sure they all got copies of the pictures. It was a nice memory of a relaxed moment at work and she was glad Elliot had framed this memory, and had not tried to eradicate all memories of his time at SVU after the shooting.

"You wanna see the rest of the apartment?"

Elliot was standing behind her and she turned around with the picture still in her hands.

"You kept this," she said, and Elliot nodded.

"Yeah. We had a lot of good times too, right?"

"We sure did," she agreed.

Elliot had watched Olivia check out his place and the pictures but he wanted her to see the rest as well. While the rooms weren't very large, he did have a lot of them. Right next to the breakfast bar was a hallway that led to the bedrooms.

"Each bedroom has its own bathroom," he said proudly as he ushered her into the hallway.

The master bedroom was on their left, next to the living room, and the bathroom was across from it. The second bedroom on the left would be Eli's room. He had his own private bathroom with a toilet and a shower. On the right, across from Eli's room, was the third bedroom.

"This is the only bedroom without a window," Elliot told her. "It's just as big as the master bedroom and has lots of closet space. And ..."

He walked into the room and opened another door to the right.

"... a private bathroom with a bath. This is a perfect guest room."

...

 **Guest room? Who on earth might Elliot want to invite to stay with him for a while? :)  
Please leave a review. What do you think will happen next? (Don't worry, I know already.)  
**


	28. Push and pull

**To the guest reviewer who wants a new chapter every day: I can't write that fast, sorry! :p Here is another chapter though. Enjoy!**

28.

Olivia had to agree it was a very nice room. The closet space was impressive; she didn't even have such a large closet in her own apartment. The bedroom held a Queen size bed and a nightstand and all the lights were dimmable, ranging from very bright, mimicking daylight, to very low. There was a large painting of an open window on the wall opposite the door, so the room seemed to have a view of the mountains. It was a very nice alternative to an actual window.

"This certainly is a perfect guest room Elliot. Why did you go for a three bedroom apartment?" she asked him while checking out the spacious bathroom.

"So I could have you over, of course."

He had blurted it out before he could think about it. Maybe it was for the best, or he might have lost his nerve. He had chosen three bedrooms so he would have a separate workout room for himself that could serve as a study for his older kids, but he did have Olivia in mind when he furnished the room once he'd moved in. It could be her hide-out, a room without any windows and her own private bathroom. And him right across the hall. That too.

"Me?"

Olivia had turned around and was looking at him, half-shocked and half-smiling.

"Really?"

Elliot smiled shyly and rubbed the back of his head with one hand.

"Well, ehm, the thought did cross my mind when I moved in ... I mean, that hotel room is fine too of course but ..."

Olivia suppressed a smile. She knew she should rescue him from himself but she liked seeing this side of him. They weren't usually so personal with each other and he was clearly out of his comfort zone. It gave her a moment to actually consider what he was saying. Going back to her place would not be an option for quite a while. She didn't even know if she could ever go back there. Brian's place ... well, no need to dwell on that anymore. The hotel room was okay but if she had to be honest, it would never feel like home. This room however, this apartment ... well, it still wouldn't be home. It was Elliot's place. And Eli's.

"Has Eli been here yet?" she asked, saving Elliot from his discomfort because she really wanted to know. She couldn't just stay here if Eli hadn't even seen his father's new place yet.

"No, not yet," Elliot replied, clearly relieved that she had changed the subject. "I haven't had time to get him yet and I'm not sure when the school holidays are exactly. I think summer break is coming up but I'll have to check with Kathy first. We haven't really discussed how we're going to do this yet."

Olivia nodded. The last thing she wanted was to get in the way of Elliot's family. While she knew Eli was very fond of her, she didn't just want to be there when he came to his dad's place. And definitely not the first time he'd come over. On top of that, she was only just beginning therapy and she didn't know if that would continue to affect her as much as it had so far. And she didn't know if she wanted to burden Elliot with all of that. Elliot was looking at her, waiting for her to say something and she turned around to leave the guest room.

"El, why don't you get your affairs in order first. You don't need me around full time anyway," she offered, remembering how quickly Brian had crumbled when she was staying at his place.

Elliot tried to convince her she wouldn't be a burden to him but Olivia insisted he get settled first and make arrangements for Eli. She would like to come visit when Eli came over but she needed time to herself too, to find a new rhythm. As much as she valued his friendship and appreciated his presence, she wanted to keep some sense of independence. Giving up the hotel room would be a big step since she didn't have a place of her own right now.

Elliot had been prepared for her reaction but still felt a pang of disappointment. He knew she needed support but he also just wanted to have her close to him. It was a little selfish maybe, but he tried to convince himself it was also good for Olivia not to be alone. Still, it would be up to her and regardless of what had happened to her, she clearly still had a mind of her own. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

"Alright. Just know that this room is here for you, okay?" he offered.

"Okay. Thank you."

Olivia had wandered back into the living room. She was feeling a little hungry and it was a new feeling. She hadn't felt hungry once since this whole mess had started, and she decided it was a good sign.

"How 'bout some lunch?" Elliot asked, as if reading her mind.

"I'd love some," she admitted and she walked towards the kitchen.

"Liv, just sit down and relax for a bit. I'll make us something," Elliot said quickly.

Olivia sighed and turned around, her hands on her hips and an annoyed look on her face.

"I'm not a patient El, I can do things myself."

Elliot turned away from her quickly to hide his smile. That was his Olivia.

"Let's make something together then," he offered.

It was an acceptable compromise and he enjoyed having her with him in his kitchen. They moved around each other a few times to grab items and were actually having fun. Olivia didn't eat much but he was glad she was eating at all. She had opened the door to the balcony and they were enjoying the fresh breeze while they ate on the couch. Olivia was sitting at the end of the couch that was nearest the window, facing him with one foot perched on the couch and the other one on the floor.

"This really is a very nice place," Olivia sighed contently after she had eaten enough. "You must feel very much at home here."

She looked at Elliot, who smiled sadly.

"It's a nice place, but it isn't the place that makes a house a home Liv."

She tilted her head and looked at him more attentively. And then she realized that he missed his family. He wasn't used to living alone.

"I miss Eli," Elliot confirmed. "I would really like him to come live with me permanently."

He missed Eli. Not Kathy? She didn't want to ask him about Kathy and she also felt her mind drifting off. She was tired. He wanted Eli to come back to New York as well? She missed the little boy too and she could picture it now, right here. They could be like a real family ... She frowned. What was she thinking? She must be too tired to think straight. _Come on Benson, focus._

Elliot could see Olivia trying to stay with the conversation but it had been a long day for her already. It was 1.30 PM but she'd been up since six and she wasn't used to all this activity yet. He didn't intend to burden her with the loneliness he was beginning to feel in his new apartment. He had only moved in a week ago but now that he was settled more or less, he was beginning to really feel the fact that he was alone there. He missed his son and he had missed Olivia, more than he cared to admit to her. That was a conversation for another time. Right now, it would be a challenge to convince Olivia to take a nap. He could already hear her protests in his head. Olivia didn't disappoint but after a surprisingly short discussion, she gave in and admitted she was indeed tired. He ushered her into 'her' room and got one of his oversized t-shirts for her to sleep in.

"I'm going to take a shower that's long overdue," Elliot said. "You just relax. Take a bath if you like and get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

"Okay."

...

Olivia slept for three hours. She woke up with a jolt, wondering where she was. She hadn't had a disturbing dream but was feeling very disoriented. She got up and wandered into the living room, wondering what time it was.

Elliot saw her come into the living room, wearing his long t-shirt and couldn't help taking in her long bare legs. After showering and changing, he had made some preparations for dinner, and he was now sitting in his comfortable chair, reading the news paper while listening to some music on the radio. He had kept the volume down for Olivia's sake. He had checked once that she was actually sleeping and had been relieved to find her sleeping soundly. It was almost 5 pm and she didn't seem upset so he gathered that she hadn't had another nightmare.

"Hey," she said softly, heading for the couch while rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?"

"Almost five," Elliot replied, watching her sit down and pull her legs up under her on the couch. "Did you get some sleep?"

"Yeah, I did actually."

"You seem surprised."

Olivia managed a small smile. She still seemed a little disoriented and sleepy.

"Well, you remember how I woke up this morning? That happens a lot."

Elliot nodded.

"I figured that. And now?"

"I don't think I dreamt anything."

"Told you it was a perfect guest room," Elliot grinned. "It's yours Liv. Whenever you need it."

He was relieved that the subject wasn't creating tension between them. He knew Olivia was reluctant to take him up on his offer and he understood. She wanted to be independent and strong. All he could do was make the offer. It really was up to her what to do with it.

"I do appreciate that El, more than you know," Olivia said.

And that was that. He told her he had prepared some dinner for them and she got up to see what he was going to make. There was some chicken marinating in the fridge and he had chopped up a mix of vegetables. Elliot joined her in the kitchen and explained the menu to her. It sounded delicious and she couldn't refuse.

"Why don't you freshen up and get dressed while I get started here," Elliot said.

Olivia complied. She smiled when she found another stack of sanitary pads in her bathroom. Her bathroom ... She shook her head at herself. But from the looks of it, Elliot really did consider this to be her bathroom. There were feminine versions of soap, shampoo, bath foam, another bottle of the rubbing oil she was getting used to, everything she might need. Even the towels and washcloths were different shades of pink and white. She wondered if he had any help from his daughters, and if they even knew about the recent events that had taken place in her life. And how they would feel about her having her own bathroom in their father's house. Elliot couldn't have made her feel more welcome, yet she still felt like she was imposing on his family.

Elliot was busy making dinner and watched Olivia come back into the living room.

"Need any help?" she asked but he could tell she already knew the answer. She sat down on the couch and picked up the remote from the coffee table.

"Nope, I'm good," Elliot replied rather redundantly.

He worked in comfortable silence while Olivia watched a talk show on TV and about thirty minutes later, he presented her with a plate that could have been served in a classy restaurant. Only the portions were a lot bigger. Brown rice, mixed vegetables and spicy chicken, and a few slices of apple and peach to complete the dish.

"And I have ice cream, so you should leave some room for dessert," Elliot said.

He was pleased with how much she was eating. She even had a small portion of ice cream and offered to make them coffee after dinner. He let her, secretly enjoying seeing her find her way around his kitchen. After coffee, she asked if he would take her back to the hotel. He managed to hide his disappointment. He needed to respect her wishes. She explained that she would have her third therapy session early the next morning and she wanted to get ready by herself for that. He understood. The drive back to the hotel was quiet but he was satisfied with how their day had been. He walked her up and when they reached her room, she dug her keys out of her pocket and started fiddling with them, removing one of the two keys from the key ring.

"Here, I want you to have one," Olivia said, much to his surprise. "You know, for emergencies."

She turned around to open the door with her own key before he could respond. He walked in behind her, needing to ask her about the key. Olivia stopped abruptly and he almost bumped into her. He followed her gaze and saw a huge bouquet of flowers standing on the floor at the foot of the bed. She walked over to it slowly and checked it for a card. She pulled a small card out and read it. Her shoulders slumped and Elliot stepped closer to her.

"They're from Brian," she said and he wasn't sure if she was angry or sad, until she grabbed the bouquet and strode out of the room with determination.

Olivia felt sick to her stomach but her anger got the upper hand very quickly. If Brian thought flowers and an apology card would cut it, he had another thing coming. She had seen a cleaning cart down the hallway and marched out of her room and over to the cart. She dumped the flowers and the card in the trash bag and walked straight back into her room. She checked the vase, making sure it wasn't part of the gift, and seeing it was a hotel vase, she emptied it in the toilet and set it aside for the maid to pick up on her next round.

Elliot was proud of her but he knew she was hurting. He wanted to hug her but she clearly wasn't in the mood to be hugged. Each time he thought they were getting closer, she moved away again. It really wasn't any different from the way it had always been. Push and pull, push and pull, over and over again. He could only hope that each pull closer would bridge more distance than the next push away.

She turned to him and thanked him for the nice day she'd had and for taking her back to the hotel, as she walked him to the door.

"No need to thank me Liv. It's what partners do."

She gave him a small smile and he felt it was his turn to make a gesture. He pulled his keys out of his jacket pocket and put her hotel room key on the ring. Then he removed another key and held out his hand with the key in it.

"I want you to have one of mine too," he said, smiling. "Not much sense offering you a room if you can't get in."

Olivia bit her lower lip and looked at the key in his hand. She took it from his hand carefully and looked up at him. He couldn't read her big brown eyes right now and thought she must be stuck in the middle of a push and pull this time. She looked back down at the key again and nodded.

"Thank you Elliot. It means a lot."

He knew he should back away now and say goodnight. He didn't want to leave her alone but maybe she was ready now to be alone. He wasn't sure and the decision wasn't up to him. Olivia looked up at him again and smiled.

"Goodnight Olivia," he said, giving her space to decide what she wanted.

She moved then and his breath hitched when she leaned into him. She placed a soft kiss on his jaw and then retreated.

"Goodnight Elliot. Talk to you tomorrow?"

He breathed out slowly. This was another pull.

"Talk to you tomorrow."

...


	29. Trust

**A big thank you to the second guest reviewer of chapter 28 for your words. I try very hard to keep things realistic and I'm glad you confirmed to me that I'm keeping El & Liv in character. I hope you will continue to enjoy this story. Perhaps you can create an account here at FF dot net so writers can reply to your reviews?**

 **To my other ever faithful reviewers (like Roanie123, Cinderella1268, The Congressman, LaceNLeather24, mrsking1976, Kattella07, iluvcalzona4eva and Chesea81) also a big thank you for your continued support!**

 **Now, on with the story.**

29.

 **June 12, 2013**

Restless nights were followed by emotional days and six days went by. Nick and Fin called and Olivia had spoken with them on the phone, but she wasn't up for visitors from the squad yet. Brian called a few times too, but she ignored his messages.

Meanwhile, therapy helped her to categorize to a degree all that had happened and her responses to the events. She had started a journal but hadn't written much in it yet. She was still dreading the session that would address her final day with Lewis but they weren't there yet. Since there was so much to talk about, Dr. Lindstrom had postponed the walk-through for now. They discussed Brian, and how his actions made her feel. Dr. Lindstrom touched upon her insecurities, her doubt that she was worth caring for, and she admitted that it was there. They discussed her childhood and her heritage, up to a point anyway, and her desperate need to do good in the world. She acknowledged that this need might come from her need to prove she was not like her father, or even like her mother. And maybe it was even to prove that she had a right to exist, despite being the product of a rape. Olivia could tell Dr. Lindstrom sensed there was something more she wasn't telling him but she didn't think it was really paramount to her recovery. What she wanted was not to be so jumpy anymore when she was around other people, like in the streets. She was avoiding crowds for now but she knew she would need to get that irrational fear under control if she wanted to go back to work. Getting back in shape physically was also high on her list, but the splint wouldn't come off for at least another week.

During their fifth session, Dr. Lindstrom asked how she was sleeping, and she told him she had only had one good night so far.

"Do you have any idea why that night was different?" he asked her.

Olivia smiled. She did have an idea.

"I wasn't alone," she admitted and Dr. Lindstrom looked at her attentively.

"Was Brian with you?"

"No. Actually, it was the night _after_ I kicked him to the curb."

Naturally, she needed to explain who had been with her. She told him about Elliot, her best friend, and how he had comforted her and had stayed with her that night.

"Has he stayed with you since?" Dr. Lindstrom inquired.

Olivia shook her head.

"No. I want to be able to be alone."

"And how is that going?"

She wiggled her head and looked down at her hands.

"Not so good."

Dr. Lindstrom told her again that there was nothing wrong with accepting help from other people and she sighed that she knew that.

"Do you?" Dr. Lindstrom insisted. "Do you really know that it is okay to let other people share your burden?"

She bit her lip and looked at her therapist, despair showing in her eyes. She never wanted other people to share her burdens. She was there for them, not the other way around. She was fine. Only she wasn't. Not this time.

"Do you have any female friends?"

Olivia frowned.

"Not really. I haven't stayed in touch with the girls I used to go out with when I was still in school. I went out with boys more anyway. The only people I hang out with now are people I know from work."

"Okay."

Dr. Lindstrom made a note on his notepad before he continued. She must be an interesting study object for him. It was pitiful really, that she didn't have any girl friends.

"This Elliot, you've know him for ... how long?"

"Fifteen years. We were partners for over twelve."

"And he's your best friend?"

"Yes."

"If he was in trouble, would you help him?"

"Of course I would. We always look out for each other." Why would he even ask her that?

"Do you let him look out for you?" _Oh, that's why._

She admitted that Elliot was probably the only one she would allow to do something for her, although she still resisted often. She didn't let people get close, ever. Dr. Lindstrom asked her why that was. Was it that she didn't trust anyone or that she didn't feel worthy of their time? She had to think about it and Dr. Lindstrom suggested they continue their conversation next time. Olivia was relieved that she wasn't coming out of this session crying. Talking about things really was helping her deal with the aftermath of her ordeal. She was getting to know herself better and was getting a grip on her sometimes irrational responses to ordinary things.

And today, she would go to Elliot's apartment by herself for the first time. He had not left for Santa Cruz yet and he had come to the hotel twice since her visit to his apartment. But today, she said she would come over to his place on her own. She was still avoiding the subway but a cab wouldn't be a problem. She was actually looking forward to spending some time at Elliot's. It was a quiet place where she seemed to be able to relax.

...

Elliot had tidied up a bit and was waiting for Olivia to arrive. He was actually nervous. She'd just had another therapy session and she was coming over on her own for the first time. He had no idea what mood she would be in once she got there. Not that he wouldn't be able to handle her, but still; he didn't want to mess up. He was relieved when he heard a knock on the door and swung the door open without checking who it was first.

"Hey," Olivia said smiling.

"Hey. You made it."

He stepped aside to let her in.

"Of course I made it," she said, taking off her jacket with one arm and slinging it over his coat rack by the door.

She was getting around pretty well with just one good arm, Elliot thought. They had coffee together and Elliot asked how her session had gone. She told him it was okay and that Dr. Lindstrom kept emphasizing that she should accept help from other people.

"My kinda therapist," Elliot agreed. "He's right. When someone offers to help you, it doesn't mean they think you can't do things yourself. It just means they care about you and want you to know you're not alone."

He saw her brown eyes studying him and he wondered for a brief moment if he'd said too much. She knew he cared about her, didn't she? Well, she should know after all these years. Olivia nodded.

"Yeah. He told me to look at it from the other person's point of view. Like if the situation was reversed."

Elliot grinned.

"And? Would you get into bed with me if I was having trouble sleeping?"

She laughed out loud and he was relieved that she was taking the joke so well.

"Maybe," she said with a sly smile. "But I definitely would get you another cup of coffee if you wanted it."

Elliot laughed as well and took the mug she was holding out to him to get her a refill. She was a lot more relaxed than he had expected her to be, even if she did seem tired. It was almost lunch time and he was planning on taking her out for lunch and then maybe go for a walk in Washington Square Park if she was up to it. After their second cup of coffee he told her about his plans for the day. The weather was great and it was a perfect day for a walk. Olivia was anxious to get back into shape so he told her a brisk walk would be a good way to start. Before she could object he reminded her that she should look at things from the other person's point of view. She smiled, agreeing that she might have made the same suggestion if it had been him who needed to get out.

He took her to a small diner around the corner from his building and Olivia could tell that the staff already knew Elliot. He seemed very much at ease there and it helped her relax as well. They had a light lunch and then went out for a walk towards the park. It frustrated Olivia a little that she wasn't used to walking long distances anymore, and the muscles in her legs were starting to burn after a while. Elliot encouraged her to keep going for just a little longer, until they could find a bench in the park. He offered her his arm on the final stretch and she accepted the support, reminding herself that she would have offered to support him as well.

They sat in the park for a while, watching other people walking or jogging by. A lot of college students were hanging out in the park on this beautiful day, to do their homework or just to relax. Olivia felt like a normal person for the first time in three weeks and closed her eyes to enjoy the sun warming her face.

Elliot watched the woman next to him and couldn't help staring at her. She was a bit pale but she was beginning to look healthier. She was eating better and was starting to get impatient, which was definitely a good sign. It meant that she wasn't drowning in her troubles anymore but actually had time and energy to look forward to getting well again. She still had a long way to go but he could see progress.

A dog barked behind them suddenly and he could see that it had startled Olivia. He put an arm behind her on the bench and rubbed her upper arm reassuringly. Olivia smiled and leaned into him a little, closing her eyes again. He could swear his heart skipped a beat when he felt her relax against him and it took a lot of restraint not to kiss her temple, which was now so close to him. In stead, he inhaled the scent of her hair and rubbed her head with his cheek gently. After another ten minutes, he suggested they walk around the park for a bit before heading back to his apartment.

Olivia sighed, dreading the long walk back. It had been so nice to just sit there with Elliot, without a care in the world. She had wondered about Dr. Lindstrom's question while she had enjoyed the sun on her face. Was the reason that she didn't let other people in that she didn't trust anyone or that she didn't feel worthy of their time? It was true that she had difficulty trusting people, but she definitely trusted Elliot. So it must be that she didn't feel worthy of his time. He seemed to have all the time in the world for her though. He hadn't even talked about going back to California once. When he put his arm around her and rubbed her head with his cheek, she felt completely accepted. Worthy. Loved.

When they finally got back to Elliot's apartment, Olivia was exhausted. Elliot took a chance at making a decision for her.

"I'm going to run a hot bath for you and after that, you can rest for a bit. How does that sound?" he asked her.

Olivia was too tired to resist and admitted it sounded perfect. A little while later, she was soaking in the tub in her private bathroom. The hot water was a blessing for her aching muscles and she stayed in as long as she could, until the water had cooled off too much. She found the long t-shirt she'd worn the first time laid out for her on the bed and slipped into it. She wondered if she should let Elliot know she was going to bed but she was too tired and just slipped under the covers. She was asleep in minutes.

...

Elliot had checked up on Olivia quietly, wondering if she was still in the bathtub, and had found her sound asleep. He was going to let her sleep for as long as possible. They could order takeout once she was up. He decided to take a nap too and got into his own bed, leaving his door open slightly so he would hear her get up. He'd kept his t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants on, just in case Olivia might need him. He dozed off and wasn't sure how long he had been asleep when he woke up with a jolt. He sat up and listened for whatever might have woken him up, and heard heavy breathing coming from the hallway. He jumped out of bed and pulled his bedroom door open all the way, to find Olivia standing there with a frightened look on her face.

"Liv, I'm here," he said quickly, realizing she must have had a nightmare again.

"El," she croaked out and he stepped towards her quickly. "I thought you left me."

Elliot wrapped his arms around her, wondering what her dream had been about. Slowly, Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist. Her body was tense and he rubbed her back gently, whispering "I'm here" several times until she began to relax. She was wobbly on her feet and he guided her towards his bed carefully.

"Come, let's sit down," he said, and she didn't resist.

They sat down next to each other and he held her close while she caught her breath, still wondering how he had become part of her disturbing dreams.

"You okay now?" he asked after a while, when she was breathing normally again.

Olivia nodded but Elliot was pretty sure she wasn't okay. He loosened his hold on her so he could look at her. She was looking down at her hands.

"Come on, lie down for a bit," he suggested.

She looked up at him now, a slight panic in her eyes.

"I'll stay with you Liv. I'm not leaving you."

She breathed a sigh of relief and scooted back onto his bed. Elliot did the same and helped her settle in. He lay down as well and Olivia put her head on his shoulder and her left arm around his waist. It reminded him of the time he had comforted her at the hotel. She had cried then. She didn't cry now but she was upset. He didn't ask her anything, just held her and waited. He figured she would either fall asleep again or talk to him. After a while, she began to talk.

...

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"I trust you Elliot. I'm just scared to lean on you and then lose you again. And I don't want to put any pressure on you but you're the only person I really trust. And that scares me as well."

She propped herself up on one elbow and he looked up at her.

"You've always had my back," she continued, "but it's cost you. I ... don't want to cost you anything."

Elliot reached up, recognizing how much she was opening up to him, and stroked her cheek gently with his knuckles.

"You don't cost me anything Liv. I _want_ to be here for you, and for you to lean on me. I won't break."

Olivia closed her eyes briefly and swallowed.

"You've broken before."

"And I had you to lean on then. Let me return the favor Liv. Just like you would for me."

"Why?"

He could see her chin trembling and he wondered what exactly she was asking him.

"What do you mean Liv?"

"Why are you doing this for me?"

 _Because I love you._

Elliot took a deep breath. He wanted her to feel safe, not to freak out. He contemplated his words before telling her,

"The same reason you'd do it for me."

She looked into his eyes and for a few moments he thought she was going to freak out anyway. But then she closed her eyes and nodded before laying back down and resting her head on his shoulder again. He pulled her against him and she tightened her hold on him as well. He didn't ask her about the dream that had brought this on. He felt her relax again and they lay together for a while. He expected her to fall asleep any minute and thought about what she had told him. He took a deep breath and swallowed a lump in his throat. He had hoped she would open up to him but he hadn't dared to expect it. He could only hope she wouldn't regret it later on.

Olivia didn't fall asleep and she asked him after a while what time it was. She was hungry again.

...


	30. The Truth

30.

They spent a quiet evening at Elliot's place and the later it got, the more Elliot hoped Olivia would spend the night. He would take her back to the hotel if she asked him to, but after that afternoon, he would rather stay close to her. She had finally told him that she needed him and apparently she had dreamed that he'd left her. She hadn't gone into the details of the dream but she had opened up to him and he could tell she was trying to deal with that now. The TV was on and he had put on the sports channel. He knew she wasn't really a sports fan but it would give them something to either watch or to talk through, whichever she needed.

Olivia had enjoyed her day with Elliot and felt more relaxed than she had in a long time. As scary as it was to admit that she actually needed other people in her life, she believed she was safe with Elliot. She knew he loved her, although she wasn't certain about the extent of his feelings for her. It didn't make her feel uncomfortable to be touched by him, although they had never touched a lot in the past. She remembered the kiss they had once shared and it seemed like a lifetime ago. He was being nothing but respectful to her now. In fact, he had always been respectful to her. Even during their most heated arguments, the fact that he treated her as an equal was what had made her trust him. He had slipped up only once in that regard, after Gitano, and they had dealt with that eventually. He wanted to support her, help her get back on her feet, for the same reason she would help him. Because he loved her. After all this time, why else would he still put up with her? She smiled at the memory of all those years ago, outside on his stoop when she'd asked him, who else would put up with her but him.

Elliot had cleaned up after dinner and grabbed another beer for himself.

"You want one?" he asked her.

Olivia hesitated. She hadn't had a single drop of alcohol in weeks. Not after all the pure vodka that had been forced down her throat for four days.

"I've got soda too," Elliot offered but she decided one beer couldn't hurt.

"A beer is fine El. It's not like I'm driving tonight."

Elliot watched her as he sat down next to her on the couch and handed her the beer.

"Am I?" he asked her, hoping she wouldn't think he was pushing her.

Olivia glanced at him and then at the wall, searching for a clock.

"You seemed pretty out of it earlier, when you thought I'd left," he reminded her. "So why not stay close by tonight?"

She was contemplating his words and he'd really like to be able to take a peek inside her head right now. She'd been vulnerable earlier, but the Olivia he knew never stayed that way for long. He was a little surprised when he saw her nod and look at him.

"Maybe that would be wise," she said softly.

He couldn't stop a wide grin from forming on his face and took a swig of his beer quickly. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable now that she was finally letting him in, but he felt a surge of _something_ in his chest - was it happiness? - that she wasn't pulling away this time. She must have noticed his grin though, because she was smiling and taking a sip of beer as well.

"Wanna tell me about that dream now?" Elliot tried, hoping she wouldn't shut down on him again.

Olivia took a deep breath and breathed out slowly.

"Maybe later," she said. He counted it as a win.

...

Elliot dug a clean t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants out of his closet for Olivia to wear and suggested she really needed to stash some of her clothes at his place. Olivia didn't comment and just took the clothes back to her room to change. She had rosy cheeks after two beers, but Elliot had turned up the heating in the apartment anyway before it could shut down for the night. He knew she might still get cold despite the alcohol and wanted her to be comfortable at all times.

After he'd changed, he went to check if she was settled in for the night. She had been quiet after dinner and he wondered if she was really okay with staying over. He found her sitting up in bed and she seemed to have been waiting for him.

"Could you come sit with me?" Olivia asked, and she sounded a little nervous.

He walked over to her right away, and scooted onto the bed next to her on top of the blankets. She pulled the blankets up to her waist and they both leaned against the padded headboard. Olivia rested her hands in her lap, looking down at them and taking a few deep breaths. Elliot waited patiently for her to speak. He gathered she wanted to tell him about her dream now.

"El, I need to tell you something," she finally said.

Her heart was pounding violently in her chest and she felt like the words weren't coming out right but she just had to tell him. If there was anyone she could tell, if there was anyone who might understand, it was Elliot. She was terrified but if her dream had shown her anything, it was that she really couldn't do this alone.  
She'd been in court and her lie had come out. Her entire testimony had been compromised and Lewis was walking again. She tried to find Elliot, and saw him walk out of the courtroom. When she ran after him, she couldn't get to him. Each time she turned a corner, she saw him disappear around the next corner and she couldn't catch up. The courthouse had become like a maze and she had panicked. She couldn't do this without him. She had woken up, screaming his name.

Elliot had always been there for her, even when she'd been wrong. He'd covered for her like she had for him, they had always backed each others' play. He would never betray her. Even when there had been overwhelming evidence against her in a murder case, DNA no less, he had still believed she was innocent and had put up his house to bail her out of prison. He had risked suspension for her when he'd followed her out to New Jersey when she was trying to find out more about her brother. He'd give his life for her, like she would for him. He was right. He wouldn't leave her for the same reason she wouldn't leave him. She loved him. And she needed him to know the truth. Because she needed his help to get through this.

She was trembling and tripping over her words but Elliot was listening patiently. Although she was on the brink of crying and was looking away from him, he had never felt closer to her.

"I ... I've always been afraid that I would become a violent person. That it was in my blood because of how I was conceived. You know about that. And Lewis ... he said he could always smell a victim. He called me a _victim_ El, and when I thought about it, he may have been partly right about that. I've made a lot of choices based on where I came from, like victims make choices based on what has happened to them."

She took a deep shaky breath and Elliot wanted to reach out to her but he didn't. She was trying to be strong and he gave her space to tell him what she needed to get off her chest.

"You know that I was able to break free just when he was getting ready to rape me, right?"

Elliot nodded. He wanted to ask her for details but remained silent.

"After I knocked him out, I handcuffed him to the foot of the bed. I didn't call for backup right away. I'm not sure why ... I ... I guess I wasn't done with him. He's hurt so many people and I was at his mercy for days and I just felt this ... rage inside me. I wanted him to pay for what he'd done. As a cop, I know that he would pay by going to jail for the rest of his life but as a person - as a _victim_ ..."

She took another breath and glanced at Elliot.

"I wanted to kill him."

Elliot could relate. He knew the feeling. He hadn't even seen the guy but he wanted to kill him too. For everything he'd done, all the lives he'd ruined but especially because he'd hurt Olivia.

"And then he came to," Olivia continued and Elliot felt his stomach clench, realizing she was getting to the hard part.

"You wanted to know how I broke my wrist, right?"

He reached for her then, needing to feel her to remind him she was okay and she was there with him. But Olivia put up her hands, indicating she wasn't done and he dropped his hands in his lap again. She needed to do this on her own.

"I'd been talking to myself - well, to him really but I thought he was unconscious so I was just talking to nobody. And he'd heard me thinking about what I wanted to do to him and saying he'd know what to do and you'd know what to do ..."

"Me?"

"Yeah, you."

She reached out her right hand and put it on his knee.

"I wanted to call you to finish him off for me."

Elliot put his hand over hers and held her hand while she continued.

"He just kept taunting me, trying to get a reaction from me and I could feel it ... growing inside me ..."

Her voice faltered and Elliot squeezed her hand a little tighter.

"What Liv? What did you feel?" he asked her when she stayed silent for a while.

"The darkness," she choked out. "The ... the violence. Evil. All of it. Everything I've fought against my entire life."

She was trembling so hard he could feel it through the mattress and he wanted to take her in his arms and tell her it was okay. He was trying to picture what she was telling him. He knew what it felt like to be overtaken by rage. He had taken it out on trashcans, lockers and walls mostly, and on the punching bag at the gym. And sometimes on a suspect or a perp. He was learning how to control it, and channel it better and he had learned to recognize causes in his past and triggers in the present. But Olivia ... for her, the floodgates seemed to have only opened recently.

Elliot reached out to her and put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

"No ... let me finish," she whispered.

He took her hand in his again and waited.

"He was cuffed and I had the gun but he still had power over me. He knew exactly which buttons to push and he got to me."

She paused again. He waited again.

"He _wanted_ me to kill him El."

Her voice was almost a whisper now.

"So he'd be in my head for the rest of my life."

She suppressed a sob.

"He wanted to turn me and make me lose it so I'd ... so I'd be ... like him."

A tear trickled down her cheek and she pulled her hand from his to wipe it away. Elliot dreaded the answer to the one question that was now on his mind.

"Liv. What did you do?"

"I picked up the metal bar that I had wrenched off the bed ... the one I was cuffed to before ... and I started beating him. Everywhere. He was handcuffed and unarmed, lying on the floor, and I wanted to beat him to death."

She was crying now and covered her face with her hands.

"There was so much blood," she whispered in between her soft sobs, "and I couldn't stop hitting him. I didn't _want_ to stop ... I wanted him dead ... I still do ... I kill him over and over again in my dreams."

Olivia was crying silently and she finally let Elliot put an arm around her shoulders. She was still resisting, staying rigid under his touch, but she was calming down a little after her first outburst.

"That's when I broke my wrist," she said, holding up her splint. "I hit him so hard I broke my own wrist. And then I lied about it."

She shook her head and covered her face with her hands again.

"I lied El. And I'll have to keep lying now or he may walk again."

"He'll never get out now Liv. There's too much evidence."

"We've said that before. This was police brutality El."

"No ... Liv, you weren't a police officer at that time. You were his victim and you struck back. No one will ever blame you for that."

"I blame myself."

She looked up at him now, her eyes red and sad.

"If I'd beaten him when I broke free, it would have been self defense. But I cuffed him and took my time. I had time to think about it. That's premeditated. I know he'll use it against me."

Elliot leaned back against the headboard. It was a lot to take in and he understood why Olivia was so upset about it. He knew she had a lot of repressed anger and she had good reasons to be angry, about a lot of things. It was bound to come out at some point. He also knew there was no magical formula he could use to make her see that this didn't make her evil. It would take time. She'd have to talk about it. With him maybe. With her therapist, definitely.

Olivia was still sniffling and got up to go to the bathroom. It gave Elliot a few moments to gather his thoughts. He knew all about her fear of becoming like her father but he thought she'd gotten over it. Someone had finally managed to tap into everything she'd kept bottled up inside and she just didn't know how to handle it. And lying went against everything she had ever stood for, which was only making matters worse. How could he make her see that this didn't make her a bad person? That the mere fact that she was beating herself up about it, proved that?

She came out of the bathroom but wouldn't look at him. He wondered if she regretted confiding in him.

"Liv, come back to bed," he said softly. "Don't shut me out now."

She complied, crawling on the bed until she reached him. He held out his arm and she settled against him on top of the blankets, accepting his comfort this time. She was exhausted from all the emotions.

"You're nothing like him," Elliot said after a few minutes. "Do you think he ever cried a single tear over one of his victims? And they were innocent."

Olivia didn't say anything, she just sighed and turned her head to face him.

"Have you told your therapist?" he asked.

"No," Olivia whispered. "Nobody knows. Not even Cragen."

"You should tell your therapist," Elliot insisted. "He'll help you deal with it."

She shook her head vigorously.

"No. Nothing about this can go on record. Ever."

Elliot wanted to press the matter but he sensed she would shut down on him if he did. In stead, he thanked her for trusting him enough to tell him about it. And he assured her again that one mistake, if you could even call it that, did not make her a bad person. If anything, it made her human. He knew she wouldn't accept that right away, with her impossibly high standards. But in time, maybe he could help her see it from a different perspective. Olivia yawned and he suggested they both get some sleep. She looked at him when he pulled the covers over both of them but didn't comment. She turned on her left side. He dimmed the lights and turned on his left side as well, spooning her like he had that first night at the hotel.

Once they were comfortable he asked her if the trial date had been set yet.

"No," Olivia replied. "Cragen tells me he's still in intensive care."

"You got him good."

Despite her anguish about how it had happened, he felt a sense of pride that she had beaten the beast. She was silent for a few moments. Then he heard her say,

"Yeah. I got him good."

She relaxed against his chest and he smiled. There was a battle ahead and having to lie would be extremely difficult for Olivia. And that was what made her nothing like Lewis or any other perp that had lost control. She would always fight for justice. And the truth. He pulled her body a little tighter against him. It wouldn't be easy going forward but he would be there for her.

 _Oh, truth - I guess truth is what you believe in._  
 _And faith - I think faith is having a reason._  
 _Love, if your wings are broken, b_ _orrow mine 'til yours can open, too._  
 _Cause I'm gonna stand by you_

 _Even if we're breaking down,_ _we can find a way to break through._  
 _Even if we can't find heaven,_ _I'll walk through hell with you._  
 _Love, you're not alone._  
 _Cause I'm gonna stand by you._

...

...

 **A/N: Feedback is always appreciated. Just leave your thoughts in the box below. Thanks!**


	31. Feeling

**Thank you for all the kind words I've received in response to this story. I decided to upload this chapter a little early, I'm sure you don't mind? The next chapter will take a bit longer though, since I've now given up my one chapter lead ...**

 **I think we need some lightness in this story so here we go.**

31.

 **June 13, 2013**

Olivia woke up with a splitting headache. She thought she must have lost her pillow during the night, because she was lying on a pretty hard surface. It was warm though. And moving. She lifted up her head to look around. She couldn't really sit up because something was holding her in place. Not something. Someone. _Elliot_. Reality was sinking in and she remembered last night. She had told him everything. And here she was, pressed up against him in bed. It didn't feel like he was going to let go of her anytime soon. She lay her head back down - on his chest. How did they end up like this? And why hadn't she woken up when they changed positions? She was now on the other side of the bed. Elliot was lying on his back, his right arm wrapped tightly around her and her head was resting on his chest.

She looked up at his face, which was turned towards her. He was still asleep and she took in his relaxed features. He was still here. He hadn't judged her and hadn't blamed her. Apparently, he had held her all night and she had slept like a baby. A very exhausted baby. She didn't recall any disturbing dreams, just a sense of dread about what was still ahead, combined with the knowledge that she wasn't alone. She really wasn't alone.

Her right hand was resting on his chest, next to her head, and she moved her fingers across his chest slowly. It was pure muscle. She listened to his regular heartbeat as she let her hand wander a bit lower, to his toned stomach. Even through the material of his t-shirt, she could feel quiet strength radiating off him. He had lost some weight in California and had been working out a lot. Her hand slid lower until her fingers suddenly hit skin. His shirt must have ridden up during the night and her hand was now resting on a patch of hair. She imagined that the trail would lead down into his sweat pants and she held her breath. What was she thinking? And more importantly, what was she _doing_? She moved her hand back up, inadvertently taking his shirt up with it. She felt more skin and muscle and wanted to move her hand further up. Her breath had quickened and she could feel her own heartbeat pounding in her chest.

Olivia had spent a decade trying not to look at Elliot the wrong way. She had tried to see him as a big brother of some kind. He was her best friend and she felt like she'd known him her whole life. He was like the boy next door, always around when she needed him and at the end of the day, they would both go home. She had tried. She was still trying, but while physical intimacy still wasn't high on her list of things to deal with at this time, she was now failing miserably. She had seen him change at the station and had tried to look away. She was certain he'd flashed his muscular chest at her intentionally at times and she had imagined what it would be like to run her hands over his chest, his shoulders and his back. To feel his strong arms around her and his skin against hers. But he'd always been off limits so she had kept trying to block it out. She swallowed hard. Her hand was on his bare chest now and she marveled at how strong and warm he was and how relaxed. His presence made her feel safe but she was also aware that she definitely wasn't looking at him as a big brother or the boy next door at the moment. Her hand lingered on his chest under his shirt, and her pinky grazed his left nipple. She felt her own body respond to just the thought of her hand on his nipple and let out a breath slowly. He was sleeping and she was feeling him up. How sick was that?

Elliot began to stir and she practically yanked her hand from under his shirt. He must have noticed the sudden movement and she was waiting for him to call her on it. She looked at his face and he was frowning, his eyes still closed. His left hand moved up and he scrubbed it down his face before opening his eyes. Then he looked down at her, into two brown eyes that were wide open.

"Hey," he said, his voice hoarse after sleeping all night. "You sleep well?"

He loosened his grip on her and Olivia turned away from him to stretch the muscles in her back and arms, relieved that he hadn't noticed what she'd been up to after all.

"Yeah, I did actually."

"No bad dreams?"

"None."

"Good."

Elliot yawned and stretched as well, and Olivia glanced at him before turning away completely. She needed to get out of this bed. She sat up and told him she was going to the bathroom. When she returned, she was slightly disappointed that he had also gotten up. He was standing next to the bed, and said he was going to take a shower. She thought it was a good idea and decided to take a shower as well. She didn't have a change of clothes but she would make sure she smelled like rubbing oil and flowery shampoo before she emerged from her room.

Some of her burns had started to scab and she rubbed each scar meticulously, knowing not to remove the scabs but to let them come off on their own. She knew she would still have several weeks to go before the deeper burns would start to close. The doctors at the hospital had told her she was lucky that the deepest burns were still considered second-degree burns. They would leave permanent scars but they would get lighter over time. She grimaced. She was so lucky.

Elliot had already started breakfast when she strolled into the kitchen, and was enjoying the strange familiarity of waking up with Olivia. The way she had poured her heart out the day before and had shared her secret with him, had moved him deeply. And while he couldn't deny his attraction to her, he knew that it wasn't just about wanting to be close to her physically. It was this, to share his mornings with her, have her in his home and watch her take in the world in her own unique way. Even if they didn't share the same bed, because he had no illusions that sleeping in the same bed would become a habit soon, he just wanted her to be near when he went to sleep and when he woke up. He could only hope she would come to the realization that she was doing better at his place than at the hotel.

He had gotten up once during the night to go to the bathroom. When he got back, Olivia had rolled over to 'his' side of the bed. He had climbed in on the other side and his heart had soared when she had snuggled up with him again right away. Holding her was like coming home and he had stayed awake for a while to savour the moment. She was making his new place a home just by being there.

Olivia sat down on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and Elliot looked at the way the daylight was bouncing off her hair, which was still wet. He followed a drop of water with his eyes and watched it roll off her hair and seep into the fabric of her shirt on her shoulder. He looked at her face then, and was taken aback when he noticed she was staring at him, one eyebrow raised and surprise in her eyes.

"See something interesting?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah. You," Elliot blurted out.

Olivia looked down at the breakfast he had placed on the bar, not sure what to make of Elliot's mood. Her headache had subsided a little in the shower but she still didn't feel too well. She could only imagine how she looked after being basically unconscious for most of the night. She asked if he had any Advil and he placed a box of tablets and a glass of water in front of her.

"Headache?"

"Yeah."

"Emotional outbursts can do that to a person."

She nodded.

"This person isn't used to emotional outbursts."

Elliot sat down across from her at the breakfast bar.

"I know. But despite the headache, I can promise you you'll feel better. It has to come out some time, right?"

"I guess. Or I'll be _all bottled up_ for the rest of my life," she said, and the bitterness in her voice didn't escape him.

"His words?"

She nodded again, pursing her lips.

"Alright. You should eat something with that Advil. I've got fruits, salad, toast, eggs. Just pick what you like."

"I'd like some coffee."

"You eat something, and I'll make you some coffee," Elliot bargained. Olivia took the deal.

...

Elliot had wondered if Olivia was up for visitors. He'd spoken with Maureen and they had both agreed it might be good for Olivia to see her goddaughter again. Maureen was planning to come over that afternoon and he decided to bring it up before lunch, so she could bail out if she didn't feel up to it.

"Josey? She must be two months already," Olivia said.

"Two and a half actually," Elliot said. "It's very important for kids," he added when she looked at him questioningly. "You know, like Eli will say he's almost six, in stead of five."

"Eli's birthday is five months away."

"Exactly. So in his mind, he's almost six," Elliot told her with a grin.

"Right. So Josey's two and a half months. How is she doing? And the proud parents?"

"Good. Really good. Maureen's almost got her figure back so I think they will be setting a wedding date soon."

Olivia would really like to see the little baby again and agreed to stay after lunch. Elliot could tell Olivia was still feeling like a guest and would want to get back to her hotel room soon. It would be pointless to push her, so he didn't.

She couldn't believe how much the little girl had grown in only a few weeks. Maureen had greeted her warmly and had placed her daughter in Olivia's arms right away, settling her on her right arm. Elliot watched both women and his granddaughter from his chair and Olivia smiled at him. She craved these normal moments and realized that she was having more of them. Thanks to Elliot. He was being her rock and was showing no signs of feeling burdened at all. Maureen asked Elliot to take a picture with her phone, and Olivia asked him to take one with hers as well. She was building up new, normal moments in her life After and she decided to write something in her journal once she'd get back to the hotel.

She wanted to go back there and she didn't. Part of her still didn't want to give up her independence, but another part of her, which was growing, wanted to give in to the need not to be alone. Elliot wasn't doting on her or treating her with kid gloves. All he was doing was give her space to be herself while providing a safe haven for her where she could heal. Would it be so bad to just enjoy that for a while? She'd have another session with Dr. Lindstrom the next day and she would run it by him. She thought about that morning, when she had woken up pressed up against Elliot's firm body. She wasn't going to share that with her therapist, or the feelings his physical presence had elicited within her.

The doctor had asked her about sex and she had told him she couldn't think about it at all right now. There was too much turmoil, both in her head and her body, to give it a second thought. And while she still didn't see herself having sex anytime soon, she was beginning to think she might enjoy some physical closeness again. Her eyes drifted to Elliot again, who was putting away their tea cups in the kitchen. They'd been friends forever and she didn't want to risk their friendship. But maybe he wouldn't mind holding her every now and then. She felt her stomach clench at the thought of her hand on his chest that morning and knew she wanted more than just to be held by him. She hadn't forgotten the secret fantasies she'd had when she'd been with David. Maybe she should just get back to the hotel and forget about it.

Josey was beginning to squirm a little and she handed the baby back to Maureen, who had already warmed up a bottle for her. Elliot looked at Olivia and thought she didn't look as tired as she usually did in the afternoon. She was getting stronger. He had enjoyed Maureen and Josey's visit and loved to see his daughter in her new role as a mother. She was truly happy and he couldn't be happier for her. He cuddled with his granddaughter for a while when Maureen started getting ready to leave, and she promised they would be back soon.

"Just make sure Josey's godmother is here too when we come back," Maureen said, winking at Olivia.

Maureen sure knew how to make her feel welcome and Elliot was grateful. Olivia joined them at the door and put her arm around Maureen's waist.

"Thank you Maureen," she said. "It was great seeing you both."

"It was great seeing you too, Olivia. Just let dad take care of you, and you will be back to chasing bad guys in no time."

She kissed her father on the cheek and left, leaving the two former partners with their own thoughts.

...

Olivia returned to the hotel that night, after thanking Elliot for everything. He asked her to call him after her session the next day and she promised she would.

"If you need anything, or if you need to talk about what you told me yesterday," Elliot said, "just call or text me. Day or night. Okay?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Okay."

She wasn't sure what to expect that night when she went to bed. She watched the twenty-four hour cartoon channel for a while, until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. As she drifted off to sleep she reached out her arm, subconsciously looking for the comfort of a warm body beside her. She curled up when she only found cold sheets and accepted that she was indeed alone.

And then he was there, his warm body beside her and his strong arms around her. He didn't have a shirt on and she closed her eyes as he pulled her close to him. She inhaled his scent and he smelled like her own rubbing oil. One of her legs slipped between his and she sighed as his hands roamed her back under her shirt. Her hands were caressing his bare back, feeling his strong muscles move underneath her fingertips. Her splint was gone and she held on tight when she felt his hot breath in her neck.

"El ..." she sighed, his name escaping her lips almost as a moan when she felt his lips graze the shell of her ear and then dip down to her neck.

He didn't speak, just caressed her and she felt herself melt into him more and more. Her hands found their way to his chest and when she put some distance between their upper bodies so she could look at him, he leaned his forehead against hers. His blue eyes looked straight into her browns and she moaned again as her hands covered his chest and squeezed his pecs and her thumbs grazed his nipples.

"Please stay," she managed to stammer before he moved his lips over hers.

She closed her eyes when he kissed her and sank back onto the mattress. She felt dizzy and needed to come up for air. Then, as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone. Olivia sat up in bed, still trembling with a rush of, what was it? Excitement? _What the hell?_

"Oh my God," she whispered as she dropped her head on the pillow again. It had been a dream. She was alone in her hotel room. What was wrong with her? How could she have a dream like that, and enjoy it, while she had just ascertained that she wasn't ready to think about having sex? She covered her face with her hands and let out a shaky sigh. She had heard about working through things that happen during the day in your dreams but this was ridiculous. She couldn't talk to Elliot about this dream but if she wanted to make sense of it, she would have to talk to someone. Tomorrow was her next therapy session. She sighed again. Once he was done with her, Dr. Lindstrom would be able to write a book about her. The intricate mind and body of Olivia Benson. How was she going to get any more sleep tonight?

...

 **Review?**


	32. Restless

**I've waited a bit longer for everyone to catch up on the previous chapter - or are my stats off again? Make sure you've read chapter 31 before you read this one ok?**

 **In case any of you are wondering about the pace of Olivia's recovery and her letting Elliot in; I'm trying to stick to the show's timeline. They had Olivia going back to work after two months so that's what I'm aiming for as well. In my opinion two months is rather fast so I'm trying to make it believable that she'd be ready by the end of July, with El and the good doctor's help.**

32.

It is completely normal to develop feelings for someone that offers you a helping hand under stressful circumstances. That's what Dr. Lindstrom had told her. Well, she knew that. But this was Elliot, her best friend. And someone she'd always had feelings for, even if she'd tried to deny it for years. She couldn't fathom why these feelings would rise to the surface now, while she was still knee-deep in confusion about her own uncontrolled actions and the torture that had preceded it. It was normal, her therapist told her but she thought it was a problem.

Her solution to the problem was to create some physical distance between herself and Elliot. For a while, visits were replaced by long phone conversations. She told Elliot she needed some space to deal with everything she was discussing with her therapist and to work on her journal. And that she needed to start doing things on her own, like go out for groceries or a walk, and make her own dinner. Elliot shared with her what he had learned about anger issues during his own therapy, since she was still unwilling to talk to her therapist about her loss of control. She was grateful that Elliot wasn't insisting that she talk to Dr. Lindstrom about it, although she knew he was thinking it.

Elliot tried to be understanding that Olivia needed space but the truth was, he didn't understand. And the part of him that did understand, just didn't like it. She had opened up to him so completely about her fears and insecurities and had expressed that she trusted him, and needed him. So he couldn't really place this sudden change. Except that he knew her only too well. Opening up had scared her and he worried that she might be trying to get her defensive walls back up. He did enjoy their long conversations and she was still very open about her fears and her nightmares, but he preferred to able to look into her eyes and see how she was really doing.

But since he had more time to worry about his own affairs now, he decided to start looking for a job. What he really wanted was to be a cop again but he wasn't ready yet for the hectic work schedule. He needed to be free at night, just in case Olivia might need him. So he called his old boss in Santa Cruz and asked him for a recommendation he could use to find another job as an instructor at a gym. He also called Kathy to give her an update on Olivia's condition and to discuss arrangements for Eli during his summer break. Kathy told him that summer break started at the end of June in California and that she was planning to come to New York for about a week to see him and the other kids. He asked her if she could leave Eli with him for a while longer after the first week and she needed to think about it. He really missed his little boy, and Kathy told him he missed his dad too. He'd been gone for four weeks already. Kathy had been very understanding about his long absence. It wouldn't be easy for her to leave her son behind but she wanted Eli to have his father in his life too, so Elliot expected that she would agree to let him stay with him for a while. He was looking forward to it already and could just picture Eli interacting with Olivia. It would be good for her as well.

Olivia's reaction wasn't as elated as he had expected. Sure, she was looking forward to seeing Eli again, but he sensed that there was something on her mind. He asked her what was wrong and naturally she said nothing was wrong. He really needed to see her again and decided to just tell her that. It had been a week already.

"I have a therapy session tomorrow morning," Olivia told him, "and after that, I'm due at the hospital for a checkup. Hopefully, the splint will come off tomorrow."

"Why don't I drive you to the hospital then, and I'll take you out to lunch afterwards," Elliot suggested boldly.

Olivia smiled. She knew he wouldn't stay away for long and she didn't want him to. Keeping him at arms lenght had only helped a little to ease her confusion, and it had been good to do normal things on her own. But if she was really honest with herself, she missed him. Talking to him on the phone was helping her but she missed seeing him, his piercing blue eyes that seemed to look right through her at times, his warm smile and his strong arms ... Her mind was drifting again and she shook her head, trying to focus on their conversation. She agreed to meet him the next day and he told her he'd pick her up after her session at Dr. Lindstrom's office.

...

 **June 21, 2013**

Olivia had another restless night. She was always restless before a session. She was now seeing her therapist twice a week in stead of three times and she still hadn't told him about the beating. They'd gone over the fear that had gripped her once Lewis had handcuffed her to the bed that final day, and that still haunted her in her dreams, and even during the day sometimes. It did help that she had been able to overpower him in the end, and she realized that all the rape victims she had ever spoken with, had not been so lucky. Still, if that bed frame had not given in, her luck would have ran out and she knew it.

Dr. Lindstrom asked her about Elliot again and she explained that she hadn't seen him for a week. Her choice, not his. Dr. Lindstrom said that it was all up to her but wondered if it was really good for her to try and do everything on her own again.

"Well, I still talk to him. And to you," Olivia countered. "These sessions really help me and I wouldn't know how to cope with everything without them."

"I'm glad to hear that," her therapist said. "You aren't doing everything on your own this time. Does that make you feel less competent, or less of a person?"

Olivia realized for the first time that it didn't. It actually felt good to rely on others. To be _able_ to rely on others, because they were in fact reliable. She told him Elliot would be picking her up after their session, so she wasn't pushing him away completely.

"I just don't know how to deal with this _thing_ between us on top of everything else," she added. "I hadn't expected it to be a factor. Not yet anyway."

She could tell that Dr. Lindstrom was interested to hear more about what she had not expected _yet_ , but he didn't press the matter.

"His wife is coming to town," she blurted out. Somehow, she needed to talk to someone about that too.

"His wife?"

The man was clearly surprised.

"Yeah. That's a little detail I may have forgotten to mention."

Seeing her therapists confusion, Olivia smiled wryly and then explained the situation to him. She expected that Kathy and Eli would be staying with Elliot and she would feel completely out of place there. It confirmed to her that she'd been wise to keep her hotel room for now.

"Have you spoken with Elliot about this? If they are separating, it may not be as cut and dry as you think it will be."

"I know he'll let them stay with him. For Eli."

"I would still recommend bringing it up. I know you're not used to that and usually just leave it up to the other person to either take your needs into consideration or not, but there is no harm in asking for clarity. You are just as entitled to it as everyone else. Or don't you agree?"

Once again, Olivia was left with a lot to think about. Dr. Lindstrom was right. She wasn't used to sticking up for herself like that. To just ask for what she needed. It had always been about what the other person needed. What Elliot's family needed. His kids. Eli. Never her. She was learning to give in a little to what she needed, now that her defenses were low, but she still had a lot to learn.

When her therapist walked her out, he and Olivia both spotted Elliot in the waiting room. Elliot's eyes lit up when he saw her and he got up to greet her and the doctor.

"Ah, you must be Elliot Stabler," Dr. Lindstrom said, holding out his hand. "Nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too, doctor," Elliot replied, shaking his hand. "I hear you're taking good care of Olivia."

"I've heard the same about you."

"Yeah, yeah," Olivia muttered. "Everyone is taking real good care of Olivia. I'm right here you know."

Both men laughed and shared a knowing look. Elliot liked the doctor already.

"Well, I'll take over from here," he said with a wink while offering Olivia his arm. She swatted it away and walked straight out of the waiting room. Elliot shrugged and smiled at the doctor again before following her out.

Olivia was quiet on the drive over to the hospital, still thinking about the questions Dr. Lindstrom had sent her home with. She still had no intention of staying with Elliot while Kathy was there, or even visiting his apartment, but it might not be such a bad idea to bring it up. That way, he would at least know why she was staying away. She wanted to get through her medical checkup first though. She couldn't wait to be rid of the splint at last, so she could start PT for her arm and hand.

Elliot asked if he could be present while Olivia received instructions about how she should start training her left arm and hand again. The nurse gave her two 3 inch foam balls to do exercises with. The red ball was the softest and should be used first, until her muscles were stronger again. She should then switch to the bright green ball, which was firmer. Both balls could also be used for training of hand-eye coordination. Olivia glanced at Elliot and he smiled at her. He was happy for Olivia that she would be able to move around normally again. It would open up a lot of new possibilities.

He left the room when another nurse came in to check on Olivia's burns. Olivia watched him leave and wondered if he would be appalled if he ever saw her scars. Maybe she should have let him stay, just to get it over with. She took off her t-shirt and loosened her slacks, leaving her bra on. She sat back a little on the exam table and looked down at her body. There was a W on her stomach, right in the middle. He'd made that with one half of a coat hanger, that he had placed on her skin twice to make a nice, symmetrical W. It was one of the burns he had given her while she was conscious, making her watch as he branded her. He had looked like a child in a sandbox, proudly pointing out to her what he was making. She had refused to cry but had become sick and had thrown up, almost choking on her own vomit before Lewis ripped the duct tape from her mouth. It was a superficial second degree burn and the scabs were coming off now. She was hoping that the scar would fade quickly. To carry the man's initial on her body for the rest of her life was simply degrading and the memory of how he had burned it into her flesh was sickening.

The other burns were smaller and scattered across her belly and chest, mostly cigarette burns and partial key shapes. And there was the one on her inner thigh, but the nurse didn't seem to be aware of that one and she wasn't going to tell her about it. It was healing well anyway. She needed to take off her bra so the nurse could check the cigarette burns between her breasts, and the ones on the insides of her breasts. She was wearing simple pure cotton bras these days and asked when she'd be able to wear something nicer again. The nurse glanced up at her and smiled.

"For the handsome gentleman you came in with?" the young woman asked.

Olivia felt her face get warm at the direct question but fortunately, the nurse didn't wait for an answer.

"These burns have healed very nicely. Looks like you've been taking good care of your skin. There is no reason you couldn't wear other kinds of underwear from now on, Ms. Benson."

After the exam, she thanked the nurse and put her bra and blue t-shirt back on. She was just fastening her black slacks when Elliot came back in. He averted his eyes and she smiled. As if he'd never seen her change before.

"All set?" he asked, still looking at the ground.

"Yeah, I am El. You can look now."

He looked up and saw her smiling at him. She picked up the two foam balls from the exam table and tossed one at him. He wasn't prepared and didn't catch it.

"Come on, old man. Eye-hand coordination," she joked, and Elliot laughed while picking up the ball.

"Old man?" he said. "We'll see about that."

He was glad she was in such a good mood and they left the hospital to get some lunch. Olivia was happy to have the use of her left hand back, although she would need to train her muscles again. Elliot offered to help her with that, and she accepted the offer. Over lunch, he told her he had a job interview in a few days at a local gym.

"Fitness instructor again?" Olivia asked. "Well, that might actually come in handy."

"That's what I thought Liv. Maybe you can come and work out at my gym."

"If they hire you."

"Hey," he grinned, leaning back in his seat and making a wide gesture at himself with his arms. "Why wouldn't they?"

Olivia smiled and looked down at her salad, trying not to focus too much on Elliot's appearance. His tight white polo shirt didn't leave much to the imagination. She was trying to summon the courage to bring up Kathy and Eli's visit, and didn't need the distraction. Elliot had almost finished his second club sandwich and would probably want to get going soon.

"Hey El."

"Hmm?"

He knew she had been mulling over something and wondered if she was going to tell him now.

"When are Kathy and Eli coming over?"

"Next weekend, the 29th. Why?"

"They'll be staying with you?"

She was still looking down at her salad and Elliot suddenly understood what had been on her mind.

"We haven't really discussed it," he told her quickly, "but I won't be sharing my bedroom with Kathy, if that's what you're wondering."

"No ..."

Olivia hesitated. That hadn't really been a question for her.

"She'll be staying in your guest room."

"Oh, I see what you mean. _Your_ room."

Olivia nodded.

"So I won't be coming over while they're there."

Elliot thought it over. It made sense, from Olivia's perspective. She wouldn't want to get in the way, as usual. But Kathy knew he was helping her get back on her feet.

"Liv. Of course you can come over. Kathy knows I'm helping you out."

Olivia shook her head. Men could be so dim sometimes.

"Doesn't matter. She won't want me there and I won't want to be there. Good thing I still have my hotel room."

Did that mean she was thinking about giving it up after all? But what did she mean, that Kathy wouldn't want her to be there?

"I'll talk to Kathy, see what she has in mind, okay?" he told her. "I'll let you know as soon as possible. Meanwhile, don't worry about it."

But she would. He knew she would. And she was going to retreat and make sure she wouldn't get in Kathy's way. He would definitely talk to Kathy. He wasn't even sure she would want to stay at his place. He wouldn't refuse her if she did, naturally, but he wouldn't put it past Kathy to arrange her own accommodations.

...

Olivia was glad she'd addressed the issue. Dr. Lindstrom was right. There was nothing wrong with asking for clarity and giving it, too. Elliot would get back to her and meanwhile, she would try not to worry about it and enjoy her day with him. They decided to go back to the hotel after lunch and maybe start with her PT exercises with the foam balls. Elliot was explaining to her what other exercises she could do at the gym and she listened to him as he shared some of his vast knowledge of working out with her. They strolled down the hallway towards her room when she suddenly noticed someone leaning against the wall next to her door. It was Brian.

Just then, Elliot spotted him as well, and Olivia wrapped a hand around his bicep, and another hand around his wrist as they walked up to Brian Cassidy together.

Brian straightened up and focused on Olivia, trying to ignore Elliot.

"Liv," he started but Elliot took another step forward immediately, trying to position himself between Brian and Olivia.

"Olivia doesn't want to talk to you, Cassidy," he said as calmly as he could manage.

"I think she can speak for herself. Right Liv?" Brian said equally calmly, but eyeing Elliot cautiously before turning his attention back to Olivia.

"Brian," Olivia said quietly. "I can't forgive you for what you've done to me. And even if I could, there's no future for us anymore. Please leave."

Elliot admired Olivia's restraint, since his was slipping by the second. Brian looked at the way Olivia was still clinging to Elliot's arm and nodded.

"I can see that now. So I guess you haven't been truthful with me either."

Elliot inched closer to him and Olivia could see the muscles in his neck bulge as he said through gritted teeth,

"That's enough Cassidy. The lady asked you to leave."

Cassidy didn't budge and grinned at Elliot with disdain.

"So, Stabler. How's the wife?"

Elliot stepped even closer, his face now only inches away from Cassidy's and turning increasingly red.

"Just give me an excuse, Cassidy," he spat at the man in front of him, never breaking eye contact.

"Still the protective ass you always were, right?" Cassidy retorted, taking a small step back.

Elliot inched closer again.

" _Someone's_ gotta do it."

...


	33. Talking

**It seems I have a few bloodthirsty readers :) However, I was going to make this confrontation somewhat educational so ... don't hate me.**

33.

 _"So, Stabler. How's the wife?"_

 _Elliot stepped even closer_ _, his face now only inches away from Cassidy's and turning increasingly red._

 _"Just give me an excuse, Cassidy," he spat at the man in front of him, never breaking eye contact._

 _"Still the protective ass you always were, right?" Cassidy retorted, taking a small step back._

 _Elliot inched closer again._

 _"_ Someone _'s gotta do it."_

...

Olivia was watching the two men in front of her and saw how Elliot was still holding in the anger he was obviously feeling. He hadn't touched Brian but was backing him up against the wall anyway. It was a display of sheer power that wasn't actually violent. It was a battle of nerves. She'd seen him do it lots of times during interrogations but she was taking it all in this time. She could learn from this. Recognize the triggers, channel it into something productive. Don't lash out but go for the end result. Elliot was doing it. She knew he wanted to punch Brian in the face but the end result was to get him to leave and not come back. Elliot placed one hand next to Brian's head against the wall and stared him down. Olivia let go of Elliot's arm. She hadn't really held on to him for her own support, but more to make sure he wouldn't do something stupid. She could see now that he wouldn't. Not unless Brian truly gave him a reason to hit him.

But Brian was giving up. She had been clear and so had Elliot. She wasn't sure now why she had hooked up with Brian again in the first place. She had cared about him as a human being and as a fellow cop but he wasn't what she needed in a man. At all.

"Liv. For what it's worth, I'm sorry," Brian told her, stepping aside to move away from Elliot and creating some distance from both of them. "I hope you'll get well soon and I'm sorry I wasn't of more help to you."

Elliot was still staring him down and Brian looked at him and then back at her.

"Just ... don't come back Brian," she said softly, and Brian nodded.

"Bye Liv."

She didn't answer him and turned around towards the door of her room. Elliot followed her in, ignoring Cassidy as he retreated down the hallway. He closed the door behind them and looked at Olivia, who had stopped just inside the room, her back still turned to him.

"You okay?" he asked.

His voice was still tense but he put a hand on her shoulder tentatively. Olivia blew out a breath and nodded.

"Yeah. It's just ... painful, that's all."

"Of course it's painful," Elliot replied, placing his other hand on her other shoulder. "The man treated you like shit. You deserve so much better Liv."

"Do I?" she asked, and the pained insecurity in her voice hit him so hard that he had wrapped his arms around her from behind before he could think about it. Olivia leaned into his embrace and he moved his mouth close to her ear before he spoke.

"Yes. You do. You deserve only the best."

Olivia closed her eyes and tried to relax, letting the sense of safety wash over her that she felt whenever Elliot touched her. He was leaning his head against hers and she could tell he was looking for words to make clear to her that she was worth a lot more than what she'd received so far. She knew he believed that and perhaps, perhaps that would make her believe it too. His breathing was shallow and he was trembling. She gathered he was still a little worked up after the confrontation with Brian. She was as well. But he had shown restraint and so had she. His presence had helped her, more than she had realized before. Suddenly, she didn't understand why she had kept him at bay for a whole week.

Olivia turned around and Elliot let go of her.

"El, I know you wanted to hit him. How did you keep yourself from doing it?"

Elliot managed a smile. He was still riled up and would have loved to make Cassidy bleed. But that wouldn't really have helped anyone.

"It wasn't the right thing to do," he told her, looking into her eyes to see if she understood.

"Do you think he would have filed a complaint?" Olivia asked.

"I don't think so but you never know with ... with these things," he said as neutrally as he could manage. He swallowed the names he had for people like Cassidy, not wanting to hurt Olivia any further.

"So what do you do with the residual anger? Hit something? Does that help?"

Elliot knew she wasn't really asking about him, but needed pointers for herself. He chose his words carefully and placed his hands on her upper arms, rubbing them gently while he spoke.

"There is this great thing called a punching bag at the gym. I can show you how to use it if you want. But it only alleviates the stress temporarily. If you don't talk about what's behind the anger, it will just keep coming back."

He reminded her that she had actually told him the exact same thing several years ago, when Kathleen was arrested for breaking into a house and stealing a necklace. Kathleen had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder - just like Elliot's mother. She remembered that night in the cribs.

 _"Things happen, I deal with it, I move on. I'm not going to wallow in it." Elliot said._

 _"Elliot, let me tell you something. Bottling it up inside hasn't worked for you. And neither has beating up perps, or walls, or garbage cans. Kathleen may be sick, but you're the one with the problem."_

"Remember you told me I had a problem?"

Olivia nodded.

"Well, I've finally been working on that. I still need that punching bag, I won't deny that. But it's getting better because I've started seeing what's behind the rage and I'm starting to detach myself from the past and put it behind me so I can be my own man. I don't want to be ruled by my past anymore."

Olivia averted her eyes and Elliot hoped she was getting the message. She really needed to start talking to her therapist about her loss of control with Lewis and the deeper issues that Lewis had managed to bring to the surface.

"Liv. You can't do that alone. No one can. I can't. And you can't either."

She looked at him again and there was fear in her eyes.

"Can't you help me?" she asked softly.

Elliot stepped closer to her and moved his hands to her shoulders.

"I can try but I'm no expert. Just know that what you did doesn't make you evil, just like my many, many outbursts haven't made me evil. Or have they?"

He smiled and she put her arms around his waist.

"No. You're not evil. You are a good man, Elliot. Always have been and always will be."

"And you are a good woman Olivia. Always have been and always will be."

Elliot moved his arms around her as well and Olivia closed her eyes, leaning into his embrace. Somehow, when Elliot said she wasn't evil, she believed him. He knew her secret and he didn't judge her. Talking about it only made her feel closer to him and she enjoyed being held by him. He didn't make her feel like a weak person needing protection but she did feel safe with him and his presence gave her strength. She wanted to turn her head to thank him, when she felt him shift on his feet and move his head until his lips brushed her neck and then he placed a soft kiss there. Goosebumps broke out all over her skin and Olivia held her breath briefly. Elliot held her close for another two seconds before releasing her. She took a small step back and tried to ignore the huge knot in her stomach while looking up at him.

Elliot looked up to meet her eyes hesitantly, wondering if he'd gone too far too fast. He wanted her to know she was loved and was worthy of being loved, but he hadn't intended to make it so personal. He was relieved when he saw mostly surprise in her eyes, and a small smile on her lips. She had created some distance between them and changed the topic quickly.

"You want coffee? I think I'm low on caffeine."

"Okay."

Elliot followed her movements with his eyes as she walked over to the coffee cabinet and started preparing their coffee. She looked at him over her shoulder and smiled.

"Thanks Elliot. For ... you know."

He wasn't sure if she meant getting rid of Cassidy, their talk or maybe even how he'd held her, but he wasn't going to ask. He sat down in one of the armchairs, relieved that Olivia seemed okay with his spontaneous gesture of affection.

...

Elliot stayed a while and they tried a few exercises with the red foam ball. It took more effort than Olivia had expected to squeeze the ball ten times and Elliot helped her to stretch her fingers and the muscles in her entire arm afterwards. He was all business now and Olivia could see the fitness instructor in him at work. They repeated the steps several times and Elliot suggested switching to some reflex exercises. They were both sitting in an armchair. Elliot bounced the ball on the small coffee table and Olivia had to catch it. She became a little frustrated that she couldn't catch the ball with her left hand every time and started sabotaging the game by catching it with her right hand and pitching it back at him too fast.

She laughed out loud when he had to get up for the fourth time to get the ball and he walked back up to her with an ominous look on his face. Olivia hopped out of her chair before he reached her and ducked under his arm to stay out of his reach.

"Your workout is over, young lady," Elliot grunted and Olivia yelped as she ran away from him, feigning fear of his revenge.

She rounded the bed quickly but Elliot simply stepped onto the bed and reached the other side in two big steps. Olivia tried to evade him again, although her attempt wasn't very convincing. Elliot grabbed her right wrist and pulled her towards him before she could run. She lost her footing and bumped into him, and they both landed on the bed laughing. Elliot had let go of Olivia's wrist quickly, but she didn't move away from him. While he propped himself up on his right arm, Olivia stayed on her back and looked up at him, still smiling.

"You're such a goofball sometimes El," she grinned.

"Maybe," he admitted, "but I'm _your_ goofball."

His blue eyes were staring down at her and she could see the sincerity in them. Her smile faded and her heart rate picked up. She didn't know if she was ready to acknowledge what he was telling her. Or what she thought he was telling her. Elliot's left hand moved to her face, brushing some hair off her forehead, and she saw his wedding ring reflect the daylight that was streaming in through the window. She looked into his eyes again and took a deep breath.

"No. You're not El."

She moved to sit up and Elliot moved aside to give her some space. He had seen the change in her demeanor but wasn't sure what to make of it. He must be moving too fast and he made a mental note to keep his hands to himself more and not get too mushy with her. She was getting stronger and the Olivia he knew, wouldn't appreciate any sweet-talking. But he didn't want her to clam up either. She was healing but she wasn't there yet. It had only been four weeks and she still needed him. Olivia got up from the bed and retrieved the red ball.

"Maybe I've done enough exercise for one day," she said.

"Are you tired?" Elliot asked, getting up from the bed as well.

Olivia shrugged.

"A little. I'm not feeling as drained as I used to in the afternoon though."

"You up for a walk? The sun is out and you could use some color on your cheeks."

Olivia had the feeling she was being pulled in two different directions. Nervousness was trying to get her to move away from Elliot, yet she wasn't ready to let him go for the day either. She wondered what Dr. Lindstrom would say to her now. He would ask her what _she_ wanted. She could be selfish for once, couldn't she? Dr. Lindstrom would ask her if it was really selfish to think about her own needs. She took a breath and blew it out quickly.

"Okay. That sounds nice."

Elliot was relieved. She was relaxing again and so was he. It was warm outside and they didn't need their coats, so they left the hotel without them. He thought Olivia looked just beautiful in her black slacks and blue t-shirt. She had put on a pair of sneakers and he loved her casual look. She had brushed her dark hair before they went outside and it glowed in the sunlight. She had complained a little that it was too short to do anything with it, but he didn't mind. He preferred her hair loose, always. It was a guy thing, no doubt. He would never understand why women would go to great lengths to pin up their beautiful hair or tie it up in a knot. Olivia said she looked messy. He said she looked great.

The park nearest to Olivia's hotel was Seward Park and after strolling through the park for a while, they found a bench in the sun, looking out on the playground. A lot of parents had taken their kids to the park on this sunny day and the air was filled with the happy chatter of playing children. Elliot could picture them taking Eli here and smiled as he watched an older boy help a younger child to climb the steps of a colorful contraption. That could have been his boy. Eli was always very considerate of younger children. He glanced at Olivia, who seemed to be deep in thought as she watched all the kids playing as well, and he wondered if she would still want a child, like she used to. She suddenly turned her head to look at him, and for a moment he thought she'd read his mind.

"Eli would love it here," she said.

"That's what I was thinking," he replied. "We'll take him here once he gets here."

Olivia looked at the playground again.

"It's quite a distance from your place."

"Liv."

She looked at him, frowning slightly.

"I mean _we_ will take him here. You and me. Or don't you want Eli to visit you at the hotel?"

He could see her thoughts drifting off and he couldn't help wondering what her world looked like in there. Was she still worried about Kathy?

"I've asked Kathy to leave him with me for a bit when she returns to California," he told her, hoping she'd understand that there would be plenty of time for them to spend with Eli.

Olivia was really looking forward to seeing Eli again and she wondered if she'd kept his father away from him too long. He was supposed to go back after two weeks and he'd been with her for four weeks now.

"Don't you want to go home with them?" she asked softly.

She looked at him, her head tilted when she heard him laugh. He was actually laughing out loud and shaking his head.

"What," she said, a little annoyed but also a little amused at his outburst.

"Home?" he asked her, the look in his blue eyes piercing her with surprise and something else ...

She dropped her gaze, not wanting to see that look but her eyes landed on his mouth in stead. She watched him take another breath while one corner of his mouth tugged up again.

"Don't you know by now that Santa Cruz is not my home? I lived in a house there but home? I've told you before, it isn't the place that makes a house a home."

He wanted to say more but he could see in her eyes that the message was coming in loud and clear. She was looking away but he'd seen it anyway. They had never needed a lot of words to communicate with each other but the words of his therapist back in Santa Cruz were echoing in the back of his mind. _I think you two need to start communicating_ with _words_. He was taking shallow breaths and his heart was beating fast against his ribcage, and he realized how difficult it was to break that pattern of silent communication and actually say out loud what he wanted her to know.

He lifted his right arm and placed it behind her on the backrest of the bench, careful not to touch her. She was shifting uncomfortably and was looking away from him.

"I came back to New York, not just because you needed me with this, Liv."

She was holding her breath now and he wished she would look at him. He needed to know if he was perhaps freaking her out too much.

"I came back because this is where I want to be."

He felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest and he swallowed hard before adding the last two words he wanted to say.

"With you."

...

...

 **A/N Well, I thought this was a good moment to stop ... (grin) Next up is Olivia's reaction to Elliot's words.**  
 **Feel free to drop me a line, either in a review or a PM. I love feedback.  
(Next chapter will be up soon or sooner, depending on the number of reviews.)**


	34. Stop running

**Thanks everyone for the overwhelming feedback! So, I'm updating sooner. Let's see what you guys do if I don't beg for reviews :)**

 **Now before we continue, about Elliot being such a perfect guy here: remember, he no longer has the stress of the job, his failing marriage and being away from New York, _and_ he's been in therapy. Plus he absolutely doesn't want to mess up with Olivia this time because the stakes are high. I'm sure he'll make some mistakes still, don't worry, but he's very focused on doing the right thing. Don't y'all love him this way? I do ... ;)**

...

34.

 _"Don't you know by now that Santa Cruz is not my home? I lived in a house there but home? I've told you before, it isn't the place that makes a house a home."_

She got the message. O _kay, I get it. Stop talking Elliot_.

She felt him move and sensed that he was moving his arm behind her. No. _No no no_. She couldn't look at him and fixed her gaze on an irregularity in the pavement in front of her.

"I came back to New York, not just because you needed me with this, Liv."

Her breath hitched. Why was he still talking? He should have stopped talking by now so they could just drop it. It was what they did.

"I came back because this is where I want to be."

New York. He's talking about the city. The city is his home and he's not moving back. Fine, that's settled then. _Now stop talking Elliot_.

"With you."

Her stomach dropped. Why hadn't he just stopped talking? Why did he have to say that? She had dreamed that he was coming back, so often. But when he actually decided to do it, she couldn't let her self think that it might be because of her. _Just_ because of her. She needed his support After, she had told herself, completely ignoring the fact that he was already making arrangements to come back Before. He would have come back anyway. To New York. And to her.

She was frozen in place and jumped when she felt Elliot's hand touch her back, ever so softly. She shook her head. He should have stopped talking. It was too much to handle. She was a mess and while his presence had been putting her back together, his words were tearing her apart. She had been running from this for so long that she didn't know how to stop running.

"Liv. Stop freaking out."

She chuckled. Easier said than done.

"It's only me. I'm your friend."

Friend. Right. He was her friend. That's it. He was just being a good friend. Nothing more. _Come on Benson. Shake it off_.

She wasn't as good in shaking things off as she used to be. And he had suddenly started saying stuff out loud so how was she supposed to shake that off? She finally straightened her back, having leant forward as soon as he had touched her back, and ignored the fact that his hand was now on her back once again. She sighed and glanced at him. Well, at the hand in his lap. The one with his wedding ring on it. And she figured, since they were apparently saying things out loud ...

"So. _Friend_. Are you, or aren't you getting a divorce?"

He hadn't expected the direct question. It was out of character for Olivia. But honestly, this entire conversation was out of character for them. His heart was still drumming against his chest and he looked at his hand, that was trembling slightly, and at his ring. He wasn't sure why he was still wearing it and decided then and there that he was taking it off as soon as he'd get home that day. He was still married but the ring was a symbol for something that just wasn't there anymore. Kathy would understand. And he would speak to her about making it official.

"I am," he said decisively. "And you knew that already."

She finally looked at him and in her eyes he saw all the reasons why he had come back and all the reasons why he was the only one she trusted. And it was this openness, this vulnerability that reminded him, she was still healing. She wasn't there yet. But would it truly be healing if she just found the strength to put up her defensive walls again? Wouldn't she still be broken behind those walls, like she'd basically been all her life? Suddenly, he didn't want her to be strong. Not strong like that because it would mean she would become distant again. Closed off. And there was only one way to prevent that from happening. They would have to start communicating with words. To not leave the important things unsaid, and therefore undecided but say out loud what needed to be said.

She was going to look away again and he spoke quickly.

"Why does it scare you so much that I came back for you?"

She got up abruptly, taking a few steps away from the bench, and she wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling cold. Exposed. He was right. She was scared. She was still trying to find herself again and find some semblance of balance in her life. Elliot was being her rock and she couldn't have asked for a stronger friend to help her. But this - this thing between them - it was throwing her off. She felt him get up and come up behind her. It was like a sixth sense. She could even envision the pensive look on his face, while he was wondering what he could say or do to ease her fears. She wasn't afraid of him. She would never be afraid of him. Dr. Lindstrom would have asked her, what _was_ scaring her then. She couldn't really put it into words.

She turned around, still unsure of what to say and when she looked into his eyes, they were back to their wordless communication. Elliot moved his arms towards her slowly and she let hers drop to the sides in defeat. She wasn't up for a fight and she wouldn't know what the fight was even about. Elliot took her hands in his and she closed her eyes. She wasn't afraid of him. Maybe she was afraid of herself. When he pulled her into a hug, she let him and she felt like she was going to cry. She had never felt more safe and more scared at the same time.

Elliot didn't know what was going on inside her head. Part of him wanted to shake her and yell at her to simply accept his love. But another part of him knew she wasn't ready. The fact that she was letting him hold her was enough for now. Her arms were around him as well and he felt her tighten her hold on him. He did the same and rubbed the side of her head with his cheek. She was tense and he wondered if she was crying. When he tried to look at her, she turned her face away. So she was crying. He stroked her back gently and told her 'it's okay' a few times. It really was okay. He knew he was the only one she'd let in. There was no one else. They just needed to figure out how to change what they had been used to for fifteen years into something new.

Although he would never _ever_ say it out loud, the fact that Olivia was now so vulnerable was a blessing in disguise. If she had been her old self, he was certain that the road to this new thing would have been a very heated one, with a lot of arguments, running away, anger and silences. And a lot of passion too. His passion was burning deep inside him but he knew the time wasn't right. Not yet. And passion alone didn't make for a solid relationship. He wasn't going to mess this up. It would take time and he had all the time in the world, now that he was back to stay. Olivia was relaxing a little against his chest and he loosened his grip on her.

"El," she said softly, her head still turned away from him against his shoulder. "I have nothing to give you."

His heart broke a little for her, again. She was bearing her wounded soul to him and she was hurting because she had always been a giver and couldn't give anything now. Or so she thought. He took a chance and moved her away from him a little and put a hand under her chin to turn her face towards him.

"You're already giving me so much Liv, you don't even have to try. Don't worry about me, okay?"

She was confused. Elliot asked her to sit back down and they returned to the bench, sitting down sideways so they were facing each other. She had wiped away her tears quickly and he pretended he hadn't seen them. He took her hand in his hand and asked her,

"Liv, do you remember how good it feels to be able to help someone else, like you do on the job? How much energy you get out of that?"

She nodded and looked away, some understanding seeping into her eyes to replace the confusion.

"Now imagine you can help someone you care deeply about."

Her eyes flicked back up to his.

"You wouldn't expect them to repay you in any way, would you?"

She shook her head slowly.

"Because doing something for someone else, is it's own reward."

She sighed then and looked deflated.

"I don't want to be your pity project."

"Liv!"

He had startled her. He had sounded much more frustrated than he had intended. He took a deep breath and said her name again, much softer.

"Liv. Just ... just think if it was me. You'd help me, right? Wanting to help someone doesn't mean you pity them. I just means you care."

Her lips were trembling again and he thought this communication with words had maybe gone on long enough for a first try.

"You know what," he said, while standing up and holding out his hand. "We're just going to walk this off and enjoy this beautiful day. I am going to enjoy doing things for you and you are going to accept that. It's not up for debate."

Elliot looked at her, giving her a stern look and beckoning her to get up. Olivia managed a small smile and was relieved that he was rescuing her from their conversation. She grabbed his hand and got up, telling him to lead the way. She didn't let go of his hand as they strolled back towards her hotel. The things Elliot had said to her were a lot to take in. In a way, she felt like they were ripping the band aid off of a very old, deep wound. They had actually addressed their relationship, or whatever you could call what they had. They had still done some reading between the lines but a lot had been said out loud in comparison to the years before. She still wasn't sure what was scaring her so much. Maybe she was just scared of messing up. Or maybe she was scared of acting on her feelings in stead of sensible reasoning. Acting on impulses from deep inside was what had gotten her in trouble in the first place. She should have used reasoning then and should have called for backup right away. So where would sensible reasoning get her in regard to Elliot?

Before she could answer that question for herself, they reached the hotel.

"You wanna go up or go to my place?" Elliot asked.

Another decision. What did she want? That seemed to be the big question these days. She'd never had the time to really stop and wonder what she wanted but now she was forced to think about it. She looked at Elliot, feeling a little helpless. He seemed to pick up on her indecisiveness and made a suggestion.

"Why don't we go upstairs and pack a bag for you, and you can stay with me over the weekend."

She opened her mouth to object but Elliot cut her off.

"You told me you weren't coming over while Kathy was in town, so why not make the most of our time until then?"

Olivia was clearly at a loss for words and Elliot decided to take advantage of her foggy brain for once.

"Chop chop. You know you're not getting rid of me so let's not make this any more difficult than it has to be."

Olivia sighed and shook her head but did as she was told and pushed the door to the hotel open. Somewhere in the back of her head, she knew she wanted to be able to do things on her own and on her own terms. But she also knew that spending time at Elliot's was good for her. She slept better there. _In his arms_ , she added in her mind, trying to dismiss the thought but failing. She tried to quell the rush of adrenaline she was feeling by rushing up the stairs to her room but all that did was leave her out of breath once they reached her door.

Elliot didn't comment, he just smirked at her while he used his own key to open the door. He checked Olivia's fridge while she was packing a bag quickly, and took out the items that might go bad over the weekend.

...

Fifteen minutes later they were in his car and on their way to Greenwich Village. They had opened the car windows a bit and Elliot turned up the radio when he heard a familiar song. He sang along with the lines he knew, his low voice dropping an octave lower than the original.

 _You've carried on so long_  
 _You couldn't stop if you tried it_  
 _You've built your wall so high_  
 _That no one could climb it_  
 _But I'm gonna try  
_ _Would you let me see beneath your beautiful_  
 _Would you let me see beneath your perfect_  
 _Take it off now girl, take it off now girl_  
 _I wanna see inside_  
 _Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight_

Olivia kept staring out the window but he could tell she was listening to the song. He hummed along with the part that was sung by a woman and chimed in softly again when the chorus started. During the bridge he saw Olivia put a hand over her mouth and he pretended not to notice.

 _I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower,_  
 _I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out,_  
 _We'll be falling, falling but that's okay,_  
 _Cause I'll be right here._

She didn't want to cry. Not again. It was just a song. Just a stupid love song. That was hitting way too close to home. It was like it was totally about her and Elliot and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She heard Elliot speak more than sing along with the final part.

 _We ain't perfect,_  
 _We ain't perfect,_  
 _Would you let me s_ _ee beneath your beautiful tonight._

It was not just a song. She knew he meant every word. Deep down, she'd always known. There was no running from this. And even if she wanted to keep trying, she just didn't have the strength anymore.

...

...

 **Music credits: Beneath your beautiful - Labrinth ft. Emeli Sandé**


	35. Closer

35.

Elliot thought that the song had said more than he could ever have said. He didn't really have a way with words like that. The next song on the radio was upbeat and he turned it down a little.

They were almost at his building and he started scanning the street for a parking spot. Olivia was sitting up, trying to rub the kinks out of her neck and he didn't look at her, giving her some time to recompose herself. He carried her bag as they walked up to his apartment and took it to her room. Olivia had walked into the kitchen and smiled when he came back in.

"Coffee?"

"Sure."

Elliot flopped down on the couch and waited for her. Olivia needed something to do and was glad Elliot was letting her. If she was going to stay over the weekend, she wanted to make herself useful, no matter what he said. She had to admit she was beginning to feel at home at the apartment. She walked into the living area carrying a tray with their coffee and two muffins she'd found on the kitchen counter. She set the tray down on the coffee table and sat down next to Elliot.

"Ah, you found them. Good," Elliot said, pointing at the muffins.

"You got those before picking me up at the doctor's," she said, with some indignation in her voice.

"Yep," Elliot grinned, grabbing one of the muffins. "You like the blueberry, right?"

Olivia shook her head and picked up her coffee in stead and muttered something under her breath before taking a sip.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Elliot said while reaching for his coffee.

They drank in comfortable silence and later discussed what they were going to do for dinner. Olivia preferred eating in because she'd had a relatively busy day. Elliot agreed on the condition that she'd let him take her out to dinner the next day.

He could tell she was relaxing and their conversation at the park was pushed to the background temporarily. He didn't regret saying the things he'd said to her and had a feeling there would be more heart-to-hearts in the future. It was liberating in a way. No, not in a way. It was liberating, period.  
He wasn't sure which level of intimacy might get uncomfortable for Olivia but he soon found out that she didn't mind sitting close together on the couch while watching TV. He had already given her one of his sweatshirts when she said she was getting cold, but when she still couldn't get warm, he got them a blanket and they snuggled up under it together. Somehow, she was really into the talent show they were watching and she wanted to stay up to see who would make it to the next round.

Her eyes were shining with excitement when the scores were shown and her favorite was still in the race. Elliot smiled. He couldn't remember the last time she'd been excited about anything. She had pushed the blanket off while cheering for 'her' singer and he reached in front of her to grab it and pull it back up.

Olivia was hyper-aware of how close he was to her right now. His hand was on the back of the couch behind her and his shoulder was pressing against hers as he reached for the blanket. She could feel his breath on her collarbone. He moved back quickly as if he suddenly realized he was too close and he looked at her briefly to check she was still okay. She had stopped breathing and had to tell herself to breathe out. Elliot concentrated on tucking the blanket back around her and was avoiding looking into her eyes. Alright, now breathe in, Olivia told herself. And out. It's only Elliot. She forced a smile and leaned slightly against him, making it difficult for him to retract his arm, that was still behind her. She felt safe with him and wasn't going to ruin that. They would just have to find a way to deal with that 'other' thing.

Elliot decided to keep his arm right where it was, behind her. He moved his hand so it landed on her shoulder. She seemed to be focused on the show again and he breathed out slowly. When the show came to a close Olivia sank back a little further, nestling herself in his arm.

"This is nice, isn't it?" he asked her as innocently as he could.

"Yeah," she said, looking up at him and smiling. "Thank you Elliot."

"For what?"

She shrugged.

"For being you. And for letting me be me."

He pulled her a little closer and put his free hand on her knee over the blanket. Olivia closed her eyes and relaxed. As if realizing something in slow-motion, she opened her eyes again to look at his hand.

"Elliot? Where is your ring?"

...

She needed nicer pajamas. All she had taken from her apartment were these flannel suits. They were great if you wanted to cover yourself up completely and they were nice and warm, but they weren't exactly ... sexy. Olivia was standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, looking at herself. Her cuts and bruises had healed and she was getting some color on her cheeks again, but these pajamas? She had some very nice things in her apartment but maybe those were a little too much. She unbuttoned the top three buttons of her top and pulled the fabric away from one of her shoulders. Better, but not quite what she had in mind. She put the top back on properly.

She thought about their day. Elliot had taken off his ring as soon as they got home. Right after she'd asked him if he was getting a divorce. This asking for clarity wasn't such a bad idea after all. She wondered when he would call Kathy about her temporary living arrangements. Would they discuss the divorce while she was here? Olivia tugged at her pajama top again. She dropped the matching pants but thought that was too much and pulled them back up. She sighed and turned away from the mirror. Maybe they could go shopping tomorrow. She could picture it now, trying on new night attire and underwear while Elliot was waiting outside the fitting rooms. It would be a bit weird but she couldn't think of anyone else to go with.

She walked back to the living area to say goodnight to Elliot. He wasn't there and she knocked on his bedroom door before opening it slightly.

"El?"

"In here."

She walked a few steps into his bedroom and jumped when he suddenly appeared behind her.

"Sorry. I was in the bathroom. Mine is across from my room, remember? Everything okay?"

Olivia was trying very hard not to look at Elliot's bare chest and nodded.

"Yeah. I'm turning in and I just wanted to say goodnight."

"Okay. I hope you'll sleep well and if there's anything you need, or you have a bad dream or whatever, come to me okay?"

"I will. Thanks El."

She walked around him quickly to leave his bedroom but stopped at the door.

"Oh and El? Would you go shopping with me tomorrow?"

Elliot tried to hide his surprise at her question and tried to sound casual when he replied,

"Yeah, sure. What do you need?"

"Nothing special really, just some nicer nightwear and lingerie."

She turned around quickly to hide her wide smile as she heard Elliot gasp. He had something to think about.

"Goodnight," she said innocently as she walked to her own room quickly, not waiting for his reply.

...

 **June 22, 2013**

Olivia slept well. She did have a few restless dreams but nothing she'd call a nightmare. Elliot's broad chest made a few appearances and she woke up from one of the nicer dreams with a smile. She had no idea what time it was, and after using the bathroom and getting dressed, she walked into the living room. Elliot was already in the kitchen, making coffee and breakfast.

"Hmm, I could get used to this," Olivia mused as she walked up to him, realizing the instant she'd said it that Elliot would have a comeback.

He looked at her with a wide grin and she rolled her eyes before he even spoke.

"Yeah yeah, save it Stabler. What are you making?"

"Well good morning sunshine. The chef is currently making scrambled eggs and bacon on toast for himself. Unless you'd want some too of course."

Olivia made a face and Elliot continued with his announcement.

"And for you, I will have one of my unparalleled smoothies ready in a minute, with a new secret ingredient."

Olivia tried to find the ingredient but he pushed her towards the breakfast bar gently.

"Please have a seat and I'll be with you in a minute."

She sat down, muttering the special ingredient had better be coffee and Elliot laughed. She watched him work and thought she'd never seen him so relaxed. They had always been comfortable around each other but this was something new. She'd seen it between Elliot and his kids and tried to put words to the feeling. It was a kind of familiarity that as a child she had thought only existed on television. Maybe it was the feeling of a real home that she'd missed her entire childhood. Like she was accepted completely just the way she was and nothing could go wrong while she was here. With him. She realized she was staring at Elliot and dropped her gaze quickly when he looked at her. She was still so used to shielding her feelings, making sure nobody could see them. Elliot had tried to tell her yesterday that she didn't need to hide it anymore. That he felt the same way. It was still very unreal to her and she tried to hide a little behind playful banter.

She loved the way his eyes lit up when he laughed. Actually, they lit up just before he started laughing, just like his eyes could go serious while he was still smiling. Or like anger could flare up during an interrogation right before he blew up in a suspect's face. The eyes were truly mirrors of the soul and she wondered if hers betrayed her that much too.

Elliot was daring her to guess the new ingredient in her smoothie while she tasted it. He had already admitted that he had added orange juice to make it more drinkable but she couldn't really place the new taste. He watched her facial expression change and loved how she could focus on such trivial things again as guessing a taste. He had been awake for a while the evening before, processing they day he'd had with her. He had said things out loud while he hadn't been sure she was ready to hear them. Yet here they were. He felt closer to her than ever while the most intimate they had been with each other so far was hugging.  
She'd landed kind of a bombshell on him when she'd asked him if he would take her shopping for lingerie ... That had given him a few visuals of his former partner that had kept him awake even longer. He wondered if she'd let him see her in the fitting room but he didn't expect her to. It didn't stop him from having his own fantasies about it though.

When Olivia finally said she thought he'd added some kind of cereal to her smoothie, he pulled out the box of apple cinnamon Cheerios. She actually loved those and he left the box on the bar while he finished his own breakfast so she could have some more if she wanted them. He knew breakfast wasn't her favorite meal but at least she was eating again.

...

Going shopping together was a new experience and Elliot felt completely out of place. Olivia wouldn't let anyone see her and kept busy in the fitting rooms of several stores. She'd held up a few nightgowns before or after taking them into the fitting rooms but hadn't told him which ones she was buying. He hadn't even dared to peek at the bras and panties she'd been sorting through. It wasn't that he was shy about these things, but this was _Olivia_. The boundaries of this new thing between them weren't clear to him yet but she seemed completely okay with him keeping his distance, so that is what he would do.

Olivia had a few difficult moments while trying on new bras. Her scars kept staring back at her in the mirror and she wondered if she would ever look normal again. Just when she thought she was ready to open up to Elliot and allow her feelings for him to develop more openly, the insecurity about her body was setting in. She'd never been insecure about her looks before and she thought it was totally unfair that she had lost her beauty just when Elliot was coming back to her. She knew it was 'just' her skin but it still hurt. Lewis had stolen so much from her and his initial was still prominently visible on her body.

She did manage to find a few new sets of underwear that she liked, two nightgowns and a silky robe. Elliot convinced her to buy some warm slippers as well, reminding her she still got cold at night and they found a nice dress for her. After taking her purchases back to the apartment they had a light lunch and Elliot suggested Olivia lie down for a bit. She was a little tired and Elliot told her he wanted her to be well rested before dinner.

"Oh right, we're going out tonight," Olivia remembered.

"Don't tell me you forgot," Elliot said, putting a hand over his heart pretending to be hurt, and Olivia laughed.

"No no, I didn't forget."

She turned away from him to go to her room.

"Good. Because this will be our first official date."

Olivia stopped walking and turned around, a slight shock on her face. She managed a small smile before turning away again. He was making it very real by saying those things out loud. Even more real than what he'd told her the day before, when a few things had still been left between the lines. A first date, after fifteen years of friendship. She had no idea what that would be like.

...

Elliot decided to call Kathy while Olivia was resting. He went into his bedroom and closed the door. He sat down on the bed and called his home number in Santa Cruz.  
Kathy asked about Olivia right away and he summarized Olivia's progress for her, hinting at the fact that she seemed most at ease at his place.

"That's great Elliot. I'm sure you're a great help to her. How are _you_ doing?" Kathy asked, and he appreciated her concern.

"I'm good," he told her. "I miss Eli a lot though. I can't wait for you guys to get here."

Kathy told him Eli was excited too and that he kept asking about Olivia.

"Well, she's not completely herself yet, but she's also looking forward to seeing him," Elliot told her. "Do you have any ideas how we could best arrange that?"

He thought it wise to give Kathy a big say in what they were going to do but she handed the controls right back to him.

"Elliot, you know much better what Olivia can and can't handle and I know she's your main concern right now."

He was going to object, to let her know they were just as important to him, but Kathy cut him off.

"I understand Elliot. Really, I do. She needs you and Eli needs you. You're his daddy and he should stay with you. I want to visit our other children anyway. I'll ask if Maureen or Kathleen can put me up."

Elliot was at a loss for words. They had come to a mutual agreement that they would be better apart than together but he hadn't expected Kathy to be so laid back about it. He didn't want her to feel like she _had_ to back away for Olivia's sake and told her she'd be most welcome to stay at his place as well.

"I do have a guest room Kathy, and Eli will have his own room."

Kathy was silent for a few moments and he thought she was thinking his offer over. But when she asked her next question, he knew things weren't as simple as she would have him believe.

"So ... where does Olivia sleep?"

Elliot closed his eyes briefly while his mind raced to get the misunderstanding out of the way as quickly as possible.

"Olivia is staying at a hotel Kath. She uses the guest room from time to time but she's still kind of reluctant about that."

He heard his soon to be ex-wife chuckle and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Still just as stubborn as you, then. Some things never change."

"Yeah. Well, you know Olivia. Even now, she doesn't want to give up her independence. She's getting better at accepting help though."

After Kathy's question about their sleeping arrangements, he decided not to tell her about their budding relationship just yet. He had a feeling Kathy was less alright with his renewed contact with Olivia than she had tried to make him believe. And as long as they were still legally married, she had every right not to be okay with it. He didn't know how to broach the subject of the divorce though and they ended the call without discussing it. He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly. Olivia needed him to go slow and now it was clear to him that Kathy also needed him to go slow. He didn't want to go slow. He knew what he wanted, and it was finally within reach. He could only hope he would be able to control himself. They were going on their first date tonight and they would return to his apartment together. He took another deep breath and lay down on his back, his legs still dangling from the bed. He knew it would all be worth it in the end, but it wasn't going to be easy to go slow. After all, he was just a man.

...


	36. First date

36.

Elliot rushed from the living room to Olivia's bedroom. He'd heard a strangled cry and barged into her room without knocking. Olivia was sitting upright in bed, tears on her face and breathing heavily. He was by her side within a second. She'd slept so well the night before, but he should have known the nightmares wouldn't stay away for quite some time. Olivia wasn't responding to his presence and he wondered what the dream had been about. She looked at him then but he could tell she wasn't really seeing him. She turned away from him quickly, hiding her face and Elliot didn't know what to do. Touching her might make her anxiety worse so he tried talking softly to her.

"Liv, it's me. Elliot. You had a bad dream but you're safe now."

Olivia suppressed a sob and tried to breathe. It has just been too real and she couldn't look at Elliot right now. And she couldn't tell him either. She had dreamed that she was in bed with him and they were about to make love. When he'd pulled her shirt up over her head, her hands had suddenly been handcuffed to the bed and it had been Lewis on top of her, his hands everywhere on her body while she'd been powerless to stop him. She still saw his face, his satisfied grin as he continued to humiliate her.

Elliot got up to get her a glass of water and sat down on her other side as he handed it to her, so he could see her face. She still wouldn't look at him.

"You're safe Liv. It wasn't real," he said reassuringly.

Olivia nodded but didn't say anything. She took a sip of water.

"Do you want to tell me ..."

"No!"

Elliot raised his eyebrows in surprise and Olivia whispered 'sorry' before turning away from him again.

"I ... I'll be okay in a minute El. Just ..."

He stood up again and left her alone to recompose herself. He felt powerless and had the urge to hit something. He paced in the living room for a while but he had a hard time calming down. He couldn't help her with this and it was beyond frustrating. He was doing everything he could think of to let Olivia know she was safe and it still wasn't enough. He knew it was too soon. He knew that victims needed years to get over their trauma completely - if they ever did. He couldn't expect Olivia to shake it off after a month, no matter how strong she was. He was furious at the man who had made her this way, so she couldn't even look her best friend in the eye. He walked back to her door but changed his mind and walked back to the living room. Maybe he should go out for a run to get the anger out of his system but he couldn't leave Olivia alone. Not without telling her, and he needed to give her space to come out of her room on her own accord. He opened the sliding door and stood on the balcony, hands on the bannister and his head bowed. He would give anything just to take her pain away. He'd take it on himself if he could. But he couldn't.

"El?"

Elliot was back inside in a second. Olivia was standing next to the couch and he could see relief on her face. He felt guilty for going out on the balcony and making her think he had left, and walked over to her quickly.

"Are you back?" he asked, knowing she'd been in a completely different place earlier.

"More or less," she answered. "I'm beginning to think I shouldn't sleep during the day anymore."

Elliot nodded. That might not be a bad idea. She'd be more tired at night but maybe it would be better to find a normal rhythm again. He wanted to reach out to her but he wasn't sure if she could be touched right now. He looked into her sad eyes. Before he could decide what to do, Olivia closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around his waist, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. He put his arms around her gently as well and breathed out slowly. They didn't speak. He knew she wasn't going to tell him about her dream right now and he wouldn't ask again. He just held her for as long as she needed him to. When she finally lifted her head to look at him, he blinked away his own tears a little too late.

"Oh El," she said softly, placing a hand against his cheek.

He rested his forehead against hers and tried to smile.

"When you hurt, I hurt," he told her and she knew it was true. She could see it in his eyes and she could feel it when he held her close. She could see it in his outrage that someone had hurt her. Somehow, she could even hear it in his heartbeat.

She told herself not to think when she moved her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down a little. She could hear his breath hitch and she closed her eyes when her lips touched his, ever so briefly. Elliot exhaled and his warm breath hit her lips. Lewis was not taking this away from her. She might have more terrifying dreams, but this was real. Elliot was real and he was here. He wasn't moving and she smiled slightly, realizing she had the power to make him freeze on the spot. She pressed her lips to his again, kissing him softly before releasing him.

Elliot's anger had seeped out of him and into the carpet and he stepped out of it, into a new feeling of peace and resolve. Of certainty that they were going to get through this. He had seen her determination just before that second kiss. He'd seen Olivia Benson who wanted her life back. And she wanted him to be in it. They were going to get through this.

...

Olivia was back in her room, putting on the red dress they had bought earlier. It was a nice summer dress with short sleeves, a tight top and a loose skirt that ended just below the knees. She had grabbed some makeup from her hotel bathroom when she packed her bag, and she decided to put some on. It had been over a month but she finally wanted to look nice again. She only put on some mascara and lipstick but it made a world of difference. She felt different. She noticed that it was becoming easier to put her disturbing dreams aside and return to the present. She was learning to separate what was not real from her real life. She wasn't denying she had a problem, but she was learning to focus on the here and now, and actually enjoy it. She needed more positive experiences to cancel out the negative ones, or at least feel like she was getting better gradually. Elliot had promised her they weren't going to a crowded place and he'd booked a table near the exit. That was all she really needed to know.

She slipped into the only pair of pumps she had with her and had to take a few steps to get used to the feeling of walking in heels again. She thought she looked nice and grinned at herself when she felt something bubbly in her stomach. She was actually a little excited about going out. On an actual date. With _Elliot_. She pushed the memory of her dream aside when it popped back into her head. She wasn't going to worry about anything just yet. They were just going to have a relaxing evening.

Elliot was pacing again in the living room. He grinned at himself. He was pacing for a very different reason than earlier that day. He was actually a little nervous about the evening. He had dressed up a little, wearing a casual black summer suit with a white shirt but no tie. He'd left the top two buttons of his shirt undone, knowing Olivia liked that and was now waiting for her to come out of her room. When she finally emerged, his stomach clenched. He didn't know where to look first, her beautiful face with the red lips, her wavy short hair, the red dress they had picked out together, her long legs of her black high heels. After taking her in from head to toe, he settled on her eyes and he took a deep breath when he saw that her smile was reaching her eyes this time. He blew out his breath and smiled at her.

"Wow Liv," he sighed. "You look amazing."

She smiled shyly.

"You're not so bad yourself."

...

Dinner was nice and relaxed. Almost like old times they both agreed, and they talked about the happier memories of their time together on the job. The restaurant had a very romantic ambiance and Olivia had relaxed as soon as she had been seated, her back to a wall and the exit in plain view. Elliot's broad physique shielded her from most of the other guests and she felt safe there.

Elliot enjoyed just looking at Olivia and listening to her voice as she talked about the good old days with Munch and Fin. He really missed the guys, and the job. They talked about his family and hers, and how she hoped that her niece Olivia would become a bigger part of her life one day. They avoided sensitive topics like Kathy or Olivia's therapy and nightmares but Elliot didn't feel like that was creating a distance between them. It was like a silent understanding they shared. When he mentioned wanting to become a cop again, Olivia was a little worried. She didn't want him to relive his own trauma again and he just shook his head at her.

"Do you even hear yourself talking?" he asked, winking at her.

She smiled, told him 'point taken' and after that, she tried to steal some food off his plate. She even had a decent dessert and they were both completely full after that. But Olivia didn't feel like leaving yet. The evening had been so nice and she wanted to hang on to it just a little longer.

"Coffee?" Elliot asked, and she nodded.

"That sounds great."

She'd had two glasses of wine and wanted to clear her head.

"You won't sleep for a while. Are you sure?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, just a small one will be fine El. I just want to stay here a bit longer."

He was glad she was enjoying their evening so much. He was too. When they finally strolled back to his apartment he put an arm around her. It was getting a little chilly and she put an arm around him as well. Someone kicked over a garbage can in an alley and Olivia didn't jump at the sudden sound. He pulled her a little closer and she smiled at him. Her cheeks were a little rosy from the wine and her eyes were shining. It took a lot of restraint not to kiss her right there in the middle of the street. They were going home to his place and he wondered how their first date would end. He wanted to kiss her again but he wasn't sure she was ready. It would be up to her.

They both kicked off their shoes simultaneously at the door and laughed out loud. Totally in sync, even now.

"You want a nightcap Liv? Or are you turning in right away?"

"A nightcap after a first date? Jee, I don't know El," she joked and Elliot laughed again.

"If you're having a drink, I'll join you. But I'm going to change into something a little more comfortable first, okay?"

Olivia had rushed off to her room before he could answer her and he took off his jacket and poured himself a small glass of scotch while he waited for her to return. He made her a cup of tea, knowing she wouldn't want any more alcohol. Olivia didn't take long and Elliot swallowed hard when she came back, wearing one of her new silk nightgowns and her new silk robe. The cream colored nightgown had spaghetti straps and ended an inch above her knees. The cream colored robe spilled all the way down to her ankles but it was only held together by a sash around the waist so he could see most of her long legs when she walked. Or when she sat down, like she was doing now.

Elliot quickly joined her on the couch and set her hot tea down on the coffee table. Olivia draped her robe over her knees and picked up her glass. They drank in silence and Olivia thanked him for the tea. It was just what she needed, warm and relaxing. When she'd finished her tea, she looked at her handsome companion. How do you end a date with your best friend? Elliot seemed to pick up on her thoughts and stood up, holding out his arm.

"Allow me to escort you home," he said formally, and she laughed, getting up as well and accepting his arm. He walked her to the door of her bedroom and stopped there.

"I had a great time tonight Liv," he said honestly. "I hope we can do this again soon."

"Me too El," she replied. "Thank you so much. For everything."

She looked into his eyes, hoping he would know what she meant. He was being so considerate and so patient with her and she didn't feel any pressure from him. Elliot placed his hands on her waist and looked at her, and she finally allowed herself to see the tenderness in his eyes, and his love for her. She placed her hands on his hips and smiled.

"It's okay El. You can kiss me after the first date."

"Your pace Liv. You set the pace, okay?"

His voice was soft but intense and she knew this was difficult for him. It was difficult for her as well. Her dream from that afternoon flashed through her mind again but she pushed it aside, focusing on Elliot's blue eyes in stead.

"Okay," she whispered, and Elliot leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips.

She kissed him back, and sighed when Elliot pulled her lower lip between his before kissing her again. Her arms moved to his back on their own accord and Elliot pulled her close to him as well as their kiss deepened, their tongues touching for the first time ever. Olivia closed her eyes and felt like her heart was going to explode. She kissed him harder, and Elliot let out a low moan. The sound made her open her eyes and she pulled back a little, ending their kiss with a soft plop as she released his lip. Elliot took a few deep breaths and she placed her trembling hands on his chest.

"You okay?" Elliot asked, his voice low and hoarse.

"Yeah. I'm okay," she said softly. "Very much so."

They both smiled and Elliot took a small step back. His body was reeling but he had to stop now or he might go too far. She should set the pace, not him. Olivia let her hands glide down his chest and then off his body. He knew it was her stop sign and he accepted it in his heart, although his body was still protesting a little.

"Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight El."

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will."

...


	37. Stop

**Wanted to get this one out to you fast, I hope this is still making sense?**

...

37.

 **June 23, 2003**

The first morning after their first date was everything Elliot had hoped it would be. He was up first, which he had already accepted as the norm, and was making breakfast when Olivia strolled into the kitchen in her silky robe, her hair still messy from sleep. She had apparently slept well again. When she joined him at the kitchen counter, she put a hand on his back lightly and Elliot knew the gesture meant that touching was okay this morning. She stood next to him and they both turned their faces towards each other simultaneously. Without hesitation, Elliot leaned in to capture her lips with his. It was just a small kiss but it meant the world to him. To both of them. Olivia smiled and started helping him as if they had been waking up together for years.

They had a lazy Sunday and the later it got, the more Olivia began to dread going back to the hotel. She had slept reasonably well again and was trying to stay awake all day. She wondered what she would do all day long once she was back in her hotel room, alone. Cragen and Nick had called a few times and she'd like to see them, but she would still be alone a lot. And with this new thing between her and Elliot, she wasn't sure what to do or how to address the issue.

They were relaxing on the couch. Elliot was watching a baseball game on TV and Olivia was doing hand exercises with the red ball while reading a magazine. She was sitting sideways on the couch, her feet in Elliot's lap. Olivia looked up when Elliot suddenly suggested starting to get her back into shape by going for a short run in the afternoon. She told him she didn't have her running shoes with her and Elliot wanted to go to her apartment to get them. Olivia explained to him they couldn't go there since it was still a crime scene, and she wasn't ready to go back there either. He asked her what size she had, and picked up his phone.

"Who are you calling?" Olivia asked.

"Kathleen. I think she's about your size."

Before Olivia could object, Kathleen had picked up and Elliot explained the situation to his daughter. Kathleen confirmed that she had an extra pair of running shoes in the right size and invited them to come over right away. Elliot looked at Olivia, unsure if she'd be up for it.

"What El?"

"Kathleen has shoes for you. You want to go with me to pick them up?"

Kathleen added that she was really looking forward to seeing Olivia, and he relayed the message. Olivia smiled and nodded. She had a weak spot for Kathleen and would actually love to see the young woman again.

"Kathleen, we can be there in an hour. That okay?"

It was more than okay and they got up to get ready. Elliot told her she should keep on her sweats, so they could walk the shoes in right away.

"I'm not walking all the way back here," Olivia said shocked, and Elliot laughed.

"No, of course not. I thought we could take the subway there and walk a few blocks on our way back."

The subway. Olivia hadn't used the subway since the assault and she wasn't sure how that would go. Elliot could see the apprehension in her face and walked up to her, putting a hand on her back reassuringly.

"You'll be fine Liv. And I'll be with you all the way."

She smiled and leaned into his arm, putting her arms around his waist.

"I know. Just ... don't be shocked if I freak out anyway, okay. I have no idea what will happen to me in a crowd."

Elliot put his other arm around her and kissed her forehead gently.

"Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?" he asked her, and she could hear the emotion in his voice.

She looked into his eyes, that reflected his smile and his sincerity.

"I know how hard it is for you to admit you can't do things, to acknowledge it and say it out loud."

Olivia leaned her forehead against his shoulder, feeling more and more at home right there, in his arms, each time he held her.

"I'm only telling you El," she said softly, "because you know me. You _know_ I'm not weak, so I don't always have to be strong with you."

It was true. She was finally figuring out why she wasn't afraid to show her weakness with Elliot. It was because he knew her. He knew how strong she really was. He was probably the only person in the world who really knew her. He even knew her darkest secrets and he still loved her. That was why she knew they would be alright in the end. She lifted her head to look at Elliot and their eyes met again. Elliot tilted his head slightly to kiss her cheek but she turned her head so his lips landed on hers.

He smiled shyly but really didn't mind that she had changed his small gesture into something else. He kissed her softly again and she sighed contently.

"I could get used to this."

"Me too."

His bright blues were staring into her deep browns and time stopped for a minute, just for them. Their wordless conversation lifted them from their less than perfect circumstances to another time an place, where all would be well. They had come such a long way and they were closer than ever before. Elliot cupped her face with his hands and kissed her one more time before taking a deep breath.

"Running shoes," he said, trying to bring them back to the present.

"Right. Running shoes. Subway," Olivia replied, smiling widely.

She started walking to her room to grab a sweater and Elliot gave her a gentle slap on the butt. She laughed and felt her stomach flutter again. She'd be fine in the subway, as long as he was with her.

...

Olivia had been more tense than she had expected and the subway was more crowded than she'd hoped on a Sunday afternoon, but she had done it. They had to stand part of the way and Elliot had put his arms around her from behind protectively. It had helped and she'd held on to his hand on the busy platforms. She was relieved when they were finally above ground again though. It was a three block walk to Kathleen's building and it gave her enough time to calm down and find her balance again.

Kathleen greeted her warmly, giving her a spontaneous hug even before greeting her father.

"You look great Olivia, considering what you've been through."

Kathleen had never been the most subtle of the Stabler clan.

"Must be because dad is taking care of you now."

Definitely not subtle. They both just laughed it off and accepted a cup of tea. Kathleen had already dug the white and pink running shoes from her closet and Elliot grinned. Not exactly Olivia's color he knew, but Olivia didn't give anything away and accepted the shoes happily. Kathleen insisted she try them on right away and Olivia kicked off her black and white sneakers to try on the girly walking shoes. They fit well and she was looking forward to getting some exercise again.

When asked, Olivia told Kathleen a little about what had happened to her, but Elliot could tell she wasn't comfortable with sharing too many details. When Kathleen concluded it must have been very scary, Olivia told her it was and that she'd been convinced she was going to die.

"So you must consider each new day a gift then," Kathleen said. "You've been given another shot at life. Better make the most of it."

Olivia smiled and her eyes met Elliot's briefly. It was a fresh way of looking at things and she liked it.

"I plan to Kathleen," she assured the young blonde.

"Good. And I'm sure my handsome daddy here will be happy to do his part, right dad?"

Elliot grinned and winked at Olivia. He was definitely going to try.

"By the way dad, did you know mom asked if she could stay with me next week?"

Olivia tried not to let either Stabler see her discomfort. She guessed Elliot had spoken with his wife already.

"I only have a very tiny guest room with a folding bed but she said Eli would be staying with you. Is that right?" Kathleen asked.

Elliot told his daughter that she hadn't let him know about her final plans, just that she'd ask Kathleen and Maureen if they could put her up.

"I told her she could stay with me as well, but I guess she doesn't want to," Elliot concluded.

Kathleen glanced at Olivia, who had gotten up and was walking around, taking in the modest apartment.

"Well ..." his daughter said hesitantly. "I'm not sure I could blame her. I mean, it's all still a little fresh, right?"

"You mean your mom and me splitting up," Elliot said quickly.

"Yeah, that too," Kathleen said, frowning at her father and then glancing at Olivia again.

"How do they walk Liv?" Elliot asked her, pointing at the shoes and hoping Kathleen would just drop their little conversation. He wasn't quite ready to talk about him and Olivia, certainly not now that he knew Kathy might be staying with Kathleen. If Kathy needed to be told anything, he would do it himself. He hoped Kathleen would understand that because he wasn't going to mention it in Olivia's presence.

...

They stayed with Kathleen for another hour and Elliot could tell Olivia was enjoying their visit. Kathleen told them all about her legal assistant internship and her prospects of a regular job at the firm where she worked. She wanted to work for the prosecution eventually but was happy to be making her first small steps while she was still studying for her law degree. When they left, Kathleen made them promise to come back soon and she wished her father good luck with his job interview that Tuesday.

"Right, I forgot," Olivia said as they walked back to the subway station. "What time is your interview Tuesday?"

"Eleven AM," he replied.

"Okay. Let me know how it went."

Elliot glanced at her as they walked, wondering if she was really going back to the hotel that evening. He knew she didn't have a therapy session on Monday. She had sessions on Tuesdays and Fridays now. He hoped she would stay with him, not only for himself but also for her. She really was doing better at his place but he wasn't sure how to bring it up without making it sound like it was what _he_ wanted. He watched her as they boarded the subway train and could tell she was more relaxed than she was on the way over to Kathleen's. As agreed, they got off the train a stop early, and would walk the rest of the way.

Olivia was eager to start walking and working out again and as they started walking at a brisk pace for a block before they would actually start running, he suggested she come with him on Monday to sign up at the gym. He was going to sign up whether he got the job or not, and he hoped Olivia would sign up there as well so they could work out together.

"Tomorrow?" Olivia said, feeling a nervous twitch in her stomach.

"Yeah. I know you have therapy Tuesday and I have my interview on Tuesday too, so I thought we could go tomorrow."

They picked up the pace and started running slowly for a block and it gave Olivia some time to think about Elliot's suggestion and her own plans. When Elliot invited her over for the weekend, she had assumed she was going home on Sunday evening. When she thought of the impersonal hotel room, she frowned. She didn't have anything there. But she couldn't get in the way of Elliot's family. She wouldn't.

"Liv?" Elliot asked as they slowed down again, and went back to walking a block.

"I should be getting back to the hotel," she said, not looking at Elliot.

"Says who?" he asked, and the urgency in his voice prompted her to stop walking and look at him. She was slightly out of breath but it wasn't just from running.

"I ... I don't want to be in the way El. Your son is coming ..."

"Saturday," Elliot interrupted her. "He's coming on Saturday. Today is Sunday. You're going back to that hotel for a whole week just to not get in the way of Eli who isn't even here yet? And who is dying to see you, by the way?"

He had sounded harsher than he had intended, and Olivia took a step back. He knew she wasn't just creating physical distance between them but emotional distance as well, and he already regretted his small outburst. Whenever Olivia seemed to be strong and balanced, he had a tendency to forget she was still very vulnerable. His partner Olivia Benson didn't shy away from confrontation and he was used to being able to push her. His friend Liv, survivor of a violent assault, responded differently and he should have realized that.

Elliot stepped closer to her, wanting to apologize but Olivia brushed him off.

"Let's just keep walking," she said and her voice had sounded neutral. But he'd seen it in her eyes. Her defensive walls were coming up and he needed to think of something quick to keep her from shutting him out completely.

They walked in silence for half a block before Elliot spoke again. Somehow, walking side by side made it easier for him to say what he wanted to say.

"Liv, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, okay? I'm just not sure if that hotel room is the best place for you right now. I won't deny I like having you around but ... but that's not why I'm asking you to reconsider. Just ... think about it, okay? It's up to you. Just know that you will always, _always_ be welcome at my place."

Olivia was trying to believe what he was saying but she was tired and her mind was on a negative spin at the moment. She remembered again how quickly Brian had crumbled just by being around her. And she remembered Elliot's frustration the day before, after her nightmare. And now he was frustrated with her again. She didn't want to upset him or upset his life. It wasn't just about her. No matter how often Dr. Lindstrom said it wasn't selfish to think about her own needs, she would always think of the needs of others as well. Especially of the people she loved. And she did love him, so much. He was doing absolutely everything right, showing her he loved her too but it was as if she just couldn't accept it. She could only see how much of a burden she was being and the words had left her mouth before she realized it.

"You say that now but in time, you'll get tired of me."

"What?!"

They both stopped walking abruptly and Elliot grabbed Olivia's arm and spun her around to face him. Her first instinct was to fight him and she yanked her arm out of his grasp and took a step back.

"See! You can't stand to be around me already!" she yelled, her voice thick with emotion. "It's not gonna be all lovey-dovey now Elliot. I'm still _me_ you know and I'm struggling ... _really_ struggling to find some solid ground again. You don't need this ... you don't need _me_ around. I'll just end up hurting you and ..."

"Stop!"

Elliot had cut her off again and she stopped talking, but he didn't know what to say. He had no idea where all of this was coming from. He just wanted to shake some sense into her but he knew from the way she was glaring at him that he definitely should not touch her right now. His hands were balled into fists and he was breathing heavily, trying to reign in his anger. He knew he wasn't really angry at Olivia but in a way he was. Why did she have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn't she see that he would never get tired of her? That he was madly in love with her and had been for years? That he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into with her? Communicate _with_ words. They were still learning to do that. If she couldn't see or guess it, he would have to tell her.

"Well? That's it? Stop?"

Olivia had been waiting for him to speak up but was obviously fed up now.

"I'm going to finish this walk and then I'm going to pack my bag," she threw at him before turning around and starting to jog away.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and kick and hit something. How did they even get here, into a fight in the middle of the street? Her mind was a mess and all she wanted was to get away. Away from everything and everyone. She ran faster but her body was beginning to protest. The muscles in her legs were burning and her chest was beginning to hurt. In stead of slowing down, she tried to run even faster when she heard Elliot's footsteps getting closer. She was gasping for breath by now and walking on pure adrenaline. Her surroundings were a blur and she was beginning to feel dizzy. She lost her footing and stumbled forwards. No. _No no no!_ She was falling.

Elliot gasped when he saw Olivia hit the pavement with a thud and he skidded to a halt next to her. She was groaning and he was relieved that she was conscious, even if it meant she would be in pain. He heard her grunt 'no, no,' and kneeled next to her.

"Liv? Where does it hurt? You think you can stand?"

"Shoulder," she croaked and it was all he needed to know. He rolled her onto her back and scooped her up, one arm supporting her back and the other one supporting her legs at the knees. Olivia groaned again, her head lolling a bit until it came to a stop against his shoulder.

"I've got you Liv," he said softly as he walked the last two blocks to his apartment carrying her. "It'll take a hell of a lot more to get rid of me."

A soft 'hmphf' told him Olivia had heard and understood his comment and he grinned. They would need to talk but there was no way she was going back to the hotel tonight.

...

...

 **Their first fight After, and it's not over yet. What do you think of unstable Liv? Leave a review or shoot me a PM to let me know!**


	38. Three words

**Thank you for all the kind words. I worry sometimes about the slow pace of this story because you all may be used to faster progressing stories, so I'm glad so many people are still on board here. Our Olivia will be bouncing up and down a few more times because big life lessons just never sink in completely right away. Repetition is key when learning new things and flexing new muscles. Elliot** **is also learning new things. Will he** **be able to remain patient with her?**

38.

Olivia was still a little out of it when Elliot put her on her feet just outside his apartment door. After unlocking the door he guided her inside, relieved that she was letting him, and helped her lie down on her bed. He wanted to inspect her shoulder to make sure she wasn't seriously injured and told her he was going to take her sweater off. He unzipped it and started tugging at the left sleeve when she started to protest.

"No ... please," she sighed and Elliot looked at her face, that was scrunched up, her eyes closed. He wasn't sure if it was because of the pain or something else.

"Liv, I'm just going to take a look at your shoulder, okay?"

"No," she sighed again and he wondered if she was even aware of what was going on. Maybe she thought someone was attacking her again? He decided not to push her, and went to the kitchen to get an ice pack. When he came back, Olivia's eyes were still closed.

"Liv, I have an ice pack. I'm going to put it on your shoulder but you'll have to tell me if it's in the right place."

He moved her sweatshirt off her right shoulder but seeing her t-shirt, he hesitated. He wasn't going to put his hands under her shirt so he decided to put the ice pack over the t-shirt in stead of directly on her skin. Olivia jolted when he pushed the ice pack on her shoulder and her eyes flew open. She looked around and Elliot could see fear in her eyes.

"Liv, look at me," he said urgently. "It's me, Elliot. You fell and hurt your shoulder. I'm just putting some ice on it."

It took a few seconds before Olivia registered his words and finally relaxed.

"A little higher," she told him and he moved the ice pack until she groaned.

"Okay. Just hold this with your left hand for a while. We'll check your shoulder later."

Elliot sat down next to her on the bed and started taking her shoes off. Olivia watched him as he moved calmly, and she began remembering their argument in the street. She'd been so angry with him for not understanding her but she had to admit, she didn't understand herself completely either. She looked around the room. The one he had decorated just for her. The lights were turned up high and she looked at the painting of the open windows with a view of the sea. She looked at Elliot again when he sighed while setting her shoes on the floor, and she thought he looked so tired. She was making him tired. She remembered now, _that_ was why she wanted to leave. To give him some space, away from her. She wasn't walking out of his life but she just didn't want to burden him.

Elliot got up to leave her room and she let him. As soon as she would feel up to it, she would pack her bag. She could take a cab to the hotel. After ten minutes, she took the ice pack off her shoulder and sat up. She didn't think she had any other injuries and got up slowly. She set her bag on the bed and started collecting her things in the bathroom. When she returned to the bedroom, Elliot was there again, standing at the foot of the bed next to her bag, still in his running outfit and with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked harshly.

He knew he shouldn't bark at her but he was getting tired of this eternal push and pull between them. He had thought about it after he'd left her alone with the ice pack and he had decided he was going to take advantage of her weakened state for once. She wasn't going to like it but he knew she'd understand later. Or at least he hoped she would.

"I'm leaving," Olivia said curtly. "Don't worry, I'll be back."

She made an attempt to smile, hoping he'd get the message, but she was too tense to be convincing. Her thoughts were jumbled and her shoulder hurt more than she cared to admit.

"No," Elliot said. "You're not leaving. I won't let you."

 _What the hell?_

"I'm leaving and you're not stopping me," Olivia said, her eyes shooting daggers at him.

"I am."

Olivia froze and looked at Elliot in disbelief.

"Come again?" she said, slowly stepping towards him until they were only a foot apart, still clutching the toiletries she had just gathered in the bathroom.

"You're injured and I'm not letting you leave like this."

On the inside, Elliot's resolve was wavering. Olivia's badass glare was intimidating and while he knew he could take her on, he wasn't sure now if he should push her like this. It could very easily backfire and he didn't know what she'd do or what _he_ 'd do if it did.

"You're gonna lock me up?"

There was anger and astonishment in her voice and eyes, but also a hint of fear. That's not what he wanted. _Think Stabler, think_.

"No," he said, reaching for her hesitantly. She took a step back and he dropped his arms to the sides.

"No. I'd lever lock you up," he continued. "I'm just hoping you'll let me make a decision for you for once. You shouldn't be alone after that fall. I don't think you should be alone at all, but definitely not now. We don't even know if you broke or dislocated anything."

He thought he'd come up with a pretty smart reason to keep her there, if he said so himself. He could see Olivia was processing his reasoning and waited with baited breath for her reaction. She started moving both her shoulders and it was visibly painful but she shook her head.

"It's not broken or dislocated. It's just a bruise El. I'll be fine."

She wanted to move towards her bag again to put her toiletries in but Elliot stopped her by taking a hold of her upper arms.

"Let go of me," she said with a low voice.

"No," he said again, tightening his hold on her arms slightly.

Olivia felt trapped and wanted to scream. She stared at Elliot who was towering above her with a determined look on his face. Why couldn't he understand she was doing this for him? She tried to break free but her shoulder hurt too much and she dropped her things on the floor.

"Let go of me!" she insisted while tears welled in her eyes.

"Olivia!" Elliot barked, not letting go of her arms. "Stop pushing me away. You don't have to protect me. Not from _you_!"

When she still resisted he let go of her, not wanting to hurt her but he was beyond frustrated with her.

"Dammit woman, why don't you get it?" he spat at her.

"Get what Elliot? I'm clearly getting on your nerves so ..."

"That I love you and I'd do anything for you!"

Elliot was almost seeing red and that was absolutely not the way he had pictured telling her. But it was out there now and he closed the distance between them, looking into her eyes that had gone wide with shock.

"Liv," he said, putting his hands on her upper arms again. "That's not the way I wanted to tell you. But it's true. I love you and I can't remember a time when I didn't."

Olivia was taking deep breaths, trying to calm herself down and let his words sink in. When she didn't say anything, Elliot continued, the volume of his voice decreasing as he spoke.

"As stubborn and infuriating as you may be sometimes, I can't help loving you more each day. _Please_. Don't leave."

He leaned his forehead against hers as he told her, almost whispering,

"I need you as much as you need me." He chuckled when he added, "Probably more."

Olivia blinked a few times and two tears found their way down her cheeks. She'd been flung from heated anger to sheer astonishment in seconds and couldn't believe the words she had just heard, or the fact that they had come out of Elliot Stabler's mouth. His eyes were boring holes in hers and somewhere in the back of her head it was registering that she should say something. Anything. But she was drawing blanks and couldn't think. Her breath was caught in her throat and when Elliot tilted his head she finally breathed out. Well, it was more of a whimper that was muffled when he kissed her.

Her arms moved on their own accord as soon as his lips closed over hers. Her right arm was around his waist and her left arm around his neck before she realized she had moved. They pulled each other close and closed their eyes as they drowned in the kiss, their prior argument completely forgotten. He was forceful and gentle, loving and demanding, giving and taking, stimulating and reassuring. Olivia melted further into his body as their mouths and tongues explored each other and she was giving back as much as he was giving her. She moaned and he breathed into her opened mouth, then kissed her again, cupping her face in both hands and holding it close to his own. He broke off the kiss and looked at her until she opened her eyes, her breath shaky and her heartbeat pounding in her ears.

"You okay?" Elliot asked her softly, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs.

"I ... I ..."

Elliot smiled. His anger had dissipated and he had poured all of his frustration in that scorching kiss. His heart was racing and his body was fired up, but his mind was clear again. Now he needed to get Olivia back on earth so they could talk.

"Let's sit," he suggested and Olivia nodded. He pushed her bag aside and they sat down on the foot of the bed.

Olivia was exhausted. The activities of the day and her emotional outbursts had taken everything out of her but while her body was spent, her mind was now racing. Elliot loved her. And he needed her. _He_ needed _her_. That appealed to her own need to be of use. But that he could truly love her? Elliot had moved his arm behind her and was now caressing her back slowly. She glanced at him and smiled when she saw his shy but happy grin.

"That was some kiss," she managed to say and Elliot laughed.

"I was trying to make a point," he told her, becoming a little bolder.

"I would say you succeeded," Olivia said, smiling but looking away from him.

"Liv, I'm sorry I lost my temper, but I meant what I said."

"I don't know what to say, El," she said, and she really didn't. They were in uncharted waters and she was barely keeping her head above water.

"Just tell me you'll stay," Elliot said, pulling her a little closer to him. Olivia leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed.

"I'm sorry I'm such a difficult person. I'll stay if you'll still have me."

"God Liv, did you hear anything I just said?" Elliot said, trying not to raise his voice again. "If I'll still have you?"

He shook his head.

"Is it really that hard for you to believe that I love you?"

Those three little words were falling from his lips more easily each time he said it. He knew Olivia still wasn't herself and he was trying not to worry about her lack of reaction but he would really like at least an acknowledgement that she'd heard him.

She was looking at him now and he could see she was drained, emotionally as well as physically. She needed him to be strong now and take control. He suggested running a bath for her so she could relax and rest while he ordered dinner and Olivia didn't need much convincing. Despite her sore shoulder, she wouldn't let him help her take her shirt off and he left her alone after making sure the tub was filling up properly and the water was the right temperature.

Elliot walked into the living room and dropped himself into the armchair, leaning his head against the headrest and covering his face with his hands. He needed a few minutes to calm down and process what had happened in the span of just thirty minutes. He never meant to corner Olivia but he hadn't known how to get through to her otherwise. And he hadn't meant to yell at her that he loved her. That had most definitely not been the plan. But he was glad he had finally told her. She hadn't really responded to his admission but that kiss ... God, that kiss. He'd poured all of his love for her out in that one kiss and the way she had joined in and had given back everything she was getting had shaken him to the core. He knew she didn't wear her heart on her sleeve but the way her body had responded to his spoke volumes.

He had always known Olivia was a passionate woman but he hadn't quite been prepared to be on the receiving end of her passion. His body was still responding to it each time he closed his eyes and remembered their kiss and the way her warm body had melted into his. He knew Olivia was still unstable and would have unpredictable mood swings and he wasn't sure how he would respond to those. He might get frustrated in a very different way and if Olivia picked up on that she might want to create more distance between them again. Elliot shook his head and stared at the ceiling. How he hated the man who had made such a jumbled mess of the woman he loved.

...

Olivia had tried to relax in the tub but it wasn't working. Her muscles welcomed the warmth but her thoughts wouldn't calm down. He loved her. She'd known it in a way, read it between the lines in their wordless communication, but to hear him actually say it out loud made it very real. _I love you and I can't remember a time when I didn't_. He had actually felt the same way all this time. And he had seen her at her worst, like she had seen him at his worst, and they had never given up on each other. They couldn't. From time to time, Olivia felt herself smiling. She would feel small surges of happiness bubble up. And then she would frown again, worried that she was too broken to ever be fit for a healthy relationship again. And wondering if this was really the best time to start something new with Elliot. Sometimes she was just so tired of herself. Why couldn't she just jump into things foolishly, like so many people did all over the world? Why did she have to have so much baggage that it stifled her to a point that she couldn't do anything spontaneous, ever. Well, except for a spontaneous combustion every once in a while. She rubbed her face with both hands and sighed. Getting angry spontaneously had never been difficult for her. Or him. Anger had always been a safe outlet for both of them. Only now, it wasn't safe anymore. She knew now what it was like to lose control completely and it scared her. She would never want to lose control with Elliot. Not in anger.

She remembered the intense kiss they had shared, coming straight out of a heated argument, and she blushed at the thought. It was an outlet of a completely different order and the thought of losing control with Elliot like that didn't seem like such a bad idea. She felt her stomach clench at the thought, and various other parts of her body had a small 'reaction' as well. It was the first time since the assault that she could think about physical intimacy without being overwhelmed by anxiety. She still worried about it but she had to admit that Elliot's strength and passion didn't scare her. Being in Elliot's arms made her feel safer than she had ever felt before.

As Olivia got out of the tub and dried herself off, her heart began to race again. She would have to face Elliot soon. She had been wrapped up in her own thoughts but was beginning to realize that Elliot couldn't have had the easiest wait while she had been taking a bath. He wouldn't know what to expect from his unpredictable partner after their fight in the street and in her bedroom. And after that searing kiss ... She was feeling very insecure and didn't know what to expect either.  
She put on her white pajama pants, needing something to cover herself up with, and plucked a purple spaghetti top out of her bag. Her sweater had gotten dirty when she fell and she picked up the one she had borrowed from Elliot two days earlier when she'd gotten cold. It still smelled a little like him and she smiled. She managed to get it on without too much trouble despite her bruised shoulder and pulled the sweater around herself before venturing out of her room.

Elliot was sitting in his chair, hands folded in his lap, his head leaning back and his eyes closed, and he didn't notice her when she came in. Olivia leaned against the wall and looked at him. Her best friend and the man she loved. Her heart went out to him now. She really didn't want to be a burden. She didn't want to complicate his life but if he truly loved her, she couldn't keep pushing him away. He deserved to know how she felt about him and while she was terrified of opening herself up, Elliot had always been the only one she had felt safe enough with to try.

"Hey," she said softly, not wanting to startle him as she walked up to him.

...


	39. I love you too

39.

Elliot opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at her. Olivia was walking up to him, her arms wrapped around her waist and a very insecure look in her eyes.

"Hey," he responded, holding out his hand beckoning her to come closer.

She stopped next to his chair and put her hand in his hesitantly.

"Come sit with me," Elliot said, pulling her a little closer.

Olivia smiled and turned around to sit in his lap. Elliot pulled her legs up sideways so they rested on the armrest of the chair, and wrapped his right arm around her waist. He could tell that all resistance had left her and he took a deep breath. He noticed she hadn't zipped up her sweatshirt - no, it was his sweatshirt - and he asked her,

"How is your shoulder? Can I see it?"

Olivia nodded and let the sweatshirt fall open so Elliot could push the fabric aside. His gaze dropped to her cleavage as soon as it came into view and his stomach clenched when he noticed she wasn't wearing a bra under her purple top. He tried to focus and leaned forward to inspect her now bare right shoulder. It was turning blue and he placed the palm of his left hand against it and applied some pressure on different spots to make sure it wasn't dislocated. He heard - and saw - Olivia take a deep breath and asked her how badly it hurt.

"It's okay. It really isn't broken El," she assured him, and her warm breath tickled his cheek.

He leaned back quickly and Olivia moved with him, resting her head on his shoulder and her forehead against his jaw.

"I'm sorry Elliot," she said softly.

"For what?" he asked her. "Please stop apologizing for being here Liv. I want you here. I worry when I don't see you, so don't ever think you're a burden to me again. Okay?"

"Okay," she said meekly.

They sat in silence for a while and Elliot wondered what was going on inside Olivia's head. She seemed content to sit with him. His eyes drifted down a few times and he told himself he was being insensitive, ogling her like that while she was clearly in a vulnerable state. But he wasn't just drawn to the sight of her chest. He also noticed a few spots on her skin that weren't as smooth as the rest. It must be burn marks, from cigarettes maybe. Thinking about what had been done to Olivia, Elliot's breathing picked up. Olivia lifted her head to look at him.

"Are you alright?" she asked, a concerned look in her eyes.

Elliot pursed his lips and tried to concentrate on her brown eyes in stead of the pain she had suffered at the hands of William Lewis.

"Yeah," he said unconvincingly and Olivia sat up.

"No, you're not."

While they had sat in silence, Olivia had tried to think of a way to bring up what Elliot had told her. He needed to know that she loved him too but she worried that she wouldn't be able to give him what he needed - not for a while anyway. She enjoyed being close to him but it was strange in a way. They'd been friends for so long and had gotten used to living side by side without crossing an invisible line between them. They had hugged and touched each other more over the past weeks than in the fifteen years prior combined, but that was still as friends. The kisses however ... now that was different. Olivia was tempted to move her head and kiss his neck. Just to know what it would feel like. She'd wondered about touching his body many times over the years, but had locked those thoughts away because they'd been partners on the job and just good friends. And he'd been married. Things were changing now, irreversibly so, and it frightened her in a way. She was trying to muster up the courage to say something when she felt Elliot's breathing pick up. She'd always been able to read him from his breathing and knew he was upset about something.

She was sitting up now, leaning her left hand on the armrest behind her and looking at him. He said he was alright but she knew he wasn't.

"What is it Elliot? Talk to me."

Elliot shook his head. There was sadness in his eyes and Olivia put her right hand against his cheek to force him to look at her. Was he changing his mind about her?

Elliot stroked her thigh absentmindedly while he searched for the right words to say to her. It shouldn't surprise him that she had noticed something was bothering him. He didn't want to bring up the torture she'd endured and he definitely didn't want to think about it himself. He wondered how many scars she had, while in a way, he didn't really want to know. Olivia was biting her lip and he should say something to reassure her. He had told her she shouldn't worry about him but she was worried now.

"Liv, I ... I was just thinking about how much I hate him for hurting you. It hits me from time to time. It'll pass."

He attempted a smile and Olivia smiled sadly as well.

"I get it. I'd feel the same way if it was you."

Her heart was beating fast. She wanted to tell him. She _had_ to tell him. She was staring at the dip in his white V-neck t-shirt, a bout of nerves hitting her like she was in high school all over again. Her hand had dropped from Elliot's cheek to his shoulder, and she was tracing the zipper of his sweatshirt with her thumb. Her hand was trembling and she looked up at Elliot to see if he'd noticed.

"What Liv? What is it?" he asked. It was his turn to look slightly worried.

"Ehm ... about what you said ... you know ... earlier," she stammered, tossing her head in the direction of her bedroom.

Elliot swallowed, wondering where she was going with this. She did feel the same way, didn't she? Suddenly, he wasn't so sure. Or maybe she wasn't ready. She wasn't over the assault yet and had only just broken up with Cassidy. He was suddenly worried that he'd moved too fast after all and things would get very awkward between them. He tried to read the look in Olivia's eyes. She was nervous, insecure, frightened ...

"I don't know how to do this El, and ... and I _hate_ him too, for making me like this."

Anger flared up in her eyes and he could see that familiar Benson determination now.

"But I want to figure this out with you because ... I love you too."

It felt like a crushing weight was being lifted off him and he couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up from deep inside him from coming out. Tears were springing in his eyes and he was smiling from ear to ear as he laughed out loud.

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and she couldn't help laughing with him, although she could hardly breathe, pressed against his chest. She pushed him gently, trying to catch a breath and he kissed her neck softly before giving her room to breathe. She looked into his bright blue eyes and couldn't help staring because they were shining in a way she had never seen before.

"But El," she said softly. "I don't know ..."

Elliot placed a finger over her mouth before she could say anything else.

"Liv, we'll figure it out. Your pace, remember? That hasn't changed. Man!"

He put his head on the backrest of the chair again and scrubbed his hands down his face. Just then, the buzzer announced that their food had arrived. They looked at each other, both at a loss for words momentarily, and Elliot grinned.

"Wanna let me up so I can get that?" he asked, and Olivia quickly jumped off his lap.

"Of course. Sorry," she mumbled but Elliot wrapped one arm around her waist as he got up as well.

"Never apologize for sitting on me, Benson."

He kissed her cheek and let go of her before she could answer him, and she just laughed and shook her head as she watched him walk to the door to buzz up the delivery man.

...

They ate in comfortable silence on the couch in front of the TV and Olivia was surprised that she managed to eat anything. It had been an eventful day but her appetite seemed to be back. She was still feeling a little insecure about how things would progress with Elliot, now that they had confessed their feelings to each other. She felt clumsy and it annoyed her. She had never been shy in relationships and had usually been in the lead from the start, but this was completely different. Elliot had said they'd take it slow, at a pace she was comfortable with but she realized, she didn't have a clue what she would be comfortable with with Elliot. And it wasn't just because of the recent events in her life. How do you go from best friends to more, under any circumstances?

Elliot didn't seem to have any of those worries and it was actually easier for her to follow his lead. During dinner and afterwards, as they cuddled up on the couch, he'd steal kisses from her and she would reciprocate them without any hesitation. So they were two healthy adults, stuck on first base. Olivia grinned at the thought. It really was high school all over again and she was happy with it, for now. Happy ... the word stuck in her mind. She was actually feeling something she could only describe as happiness. Elliot was just getting up to get them another drink when that thought struck her and she grabbed his hand before he could walk to the kitchen.

Elliot turned around to face Olivia, a little surprised that she had grabbed his hand. Olivia stood up next to him and he couldn't really read the look in her eyes right now. She leaned in and kissed his cheek, giving him a wide smile.

"Thank you," she whispered, placing another kiss on his cheek, closer to his ear.

"For what?" Elliot asked, moving his arms around her waist.

She kissed him again, directly under his ear and he felt his body respond to her kisses in several places.

"For not backing down," she said softly, placing another kiss on his neck. "For putting up with me." Her lips touched his collarbone and he took a deep breath, resisting the urge to pull her body close to his. "For making me happy."

Elliot held her loosely and placed a few small kisses on her neck as well.

"You make me happy too Liv," he said softly. "You know, when I decided to come back to New York, I was ready to settle for our old friendship back, just as long as you were in my life."

He lifted his head to look at her and could see tears forming in her eyes.

"Really?" she asked, her voice thick with emotion. "You really came back for me?"

"Really," Elliot replied. "I was miserable in California. I missed you so much ..."

His voice trailed off, emotion getting the better of him and he closed his eyes.

"I guess it's true what they say," he added after taking a deep breath. "You don't know what you've got until it's gone."

Olivia felt like her throat was being squeezed shut. She couldn't speak. He had come back for her. He had changed his life so he could be with her. Made sacrifices so he would have her in his life. No one had ever done that for her and it was just too much to take in. Her first real love hadn't fought for her when her mother had tried to break them up. David hadn't fought for her when their jobs got in the way. Brian hadn't fought for her when she hit rock bottom. But here was Elliot, fighting for her. He'd been on his way back even when she was in another relationship and he had stepped up immediately when she needed him the most.

Elliot felt her slump against his chest and held her a little tighter. The first sob took him by surprise but when she wouldn't look at him he enveloped her in his arms and held her as she cried silently. He knew her well enough to know why she was crying. She'd never felt worthy of being loved because she thought she shouldn't have existed. She wasn't conceived out of love but through a crime. How could she be grateful for her life if that would mean being grateful that her mother had been raped? Elliot didn't pretend to understand the deeper meaning behind these things. All he knew was that he loved Olivia more than life itself, and regardless of how she was conceived, he was immensely grateful that she came to be. He felt incomplete without her. He knew that issues like this didn't go away after one good talk or a few therapy sessions but he also knew he was never going to stop showing her how much he loved her.

He stroked her back as she started to calm down, and kissed her injured shoulder lovingly.

"I've got you Liv," he whispered and Olivia nodded, looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

"Yes, you do El. You've got me."

He kissed her softly once more and smiled.

"I'm gonna get us that drink now, and after that, you are going to get some sleep."

"Okay."

"Good girl."

She laughed softly and headed back to the couch. Sleep sounded like a great idea. In fact, she thought she could sleep right now. When Elliot returned to the living area, Olivia had curled up in the corner of the couch and was already sound asleep.

...

 **Review?**


	40. Rhythm

40.

 **June 24, 2013**

Olivia woke up early the next morning and was surprised to see she was in her bed. She was still in her pajama pants and spaghetti top but couldn't remember going to bed. She tried to remember their evening and her stomach clenched when she remembered telling Elliot she loved him. And how great he'd been to her, telling her he came back to New York because he missed her so much. God, she'd missed him too and here she was, still at his place obviously.

They had never treated each other with kid gloves and she knew they weren't going to start now. Whenever she'd dared to think about something 'more' with Elliot, she'd envisioned it as being intense, on every level. While they had agreed to take it slow, she knew their tempers would still be there. And then there was the matter of Kathy and his kids. Olivia sat up in bed and tried to remember what day it was. Monday. She didn't have a session today. It was the 24th, exactly one month after she'd beaten a handcuffed man to a pulp.

She shook off the disturbing memory and got up to find Elliot. He wasn't in the kitchen or the living area and she wondered what time it was. Maybe he was still sleeping. She heard a sound and suddenly, she was completely on alert. Who was there and where had the sound come from? Her mind flashed back to the moment she'd heard Lewis, lurking in the shadows at her apartment.

"El?" she called and she hated how shaky her voice sounded. "Elliot? Is that you?"

She walked back into the hallway leading to the bedrooms when she heard the door handle of Elliot's bathroom squeak. She froze and looked at the door handle as it moved down slowly and the door opened. She looked up, expecting to see Elliot's face but it wasn't Elliot ... She stumbled back until her back hit the door to Elliot's bedroom. The door wasn't completely closed and she almost fell backwards into the room while Lewis approached her with his patented evil smile that just never reached his cold eyes.

"He can't help you now, detective," she heard Lewis say as she turned around, looking for Elliot. He was lying on his bed under the covers and she jumped onto the bed to wake him up. She shook him, calling his name and telling him to help her. She pulled the covers off and screamed when she saw Elliot was covered in blood. Suddenly she saw he was handcuffed to the bed and he looked exactly like Lewis after she'd beaten him, his skull cracked and his bones broken.

"There's no way out, detective Benson. You're all mine now," Lewis sneered while Olivia screamed again and slumped over the lifeless form of her partner. Her friend. Her everything.

...

"Liv. Liv! Olivia."

Olivia groaned, her arms swinging at some invisible enemy.

"No. El! No!"

 _He_ was the enemy? Elliot shook her carefully, hoping to wake her up and not add to her anxiety. He had carried her to her room the night before, happy to let her sleep peacefully, but she was anything but peaceful now and her screams had woken him up.

"Olivia, it's me, Elliot. You're having a nightmare. Please, just open your eyes."

Olivia suddenly sat up and tried to push him away.

"Get off me! Elliot, wake up!" she cried.

Her eyes were open now but she still wasn't seeing him. He tried to soothe her with his voice, careful not to touch her, and the calm tone of his voice surprised even him. It was the voice he used when talking to a victim.

"I'm here Liv. I'm right here and he's not. It was just a dream. Just look at me Liv. Just take a deep breath and look at me."

Olivia was trying to focus on her surroundings and finally seemed to see him. Her eyes lit up and before Elliot knew what hit him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close.

"Thank God," she whispered. "Thank God ... I thought I'd lost you."

She clung to him and Elliot wrapped his arms around her protectively until she managed to calm down, which took several minutes. When she pulled away, he asked her to scoot over and he climbed into the bed with her. It was only 5 AM, he told her. He leaned against the headboard and held out his arm. Olivia crawled into his arm and he pulled the covers up to keep her warm.

"You wanna tell me about the dream?" Elliot asked.

Olivia sighed, still a bit shaken up.

"It was Lewis. He was here. He ... he had killed you. There was blood everywhere."

Elliot pulled her against him a little closer.

"I'm so sorry Liv," he whispered.

"Me too," she said softly. "He had done to you what I did to him. Only you died."

She shuddered and Elliot kissed her forehead.

"I'm still here Liv. He's not coming for me. Or you."

Olivia let her hand wander and caressed his bare chest, feeling his warmth and his strength and listening to his breathing. He was safe and alive and there was no blood and no Lewis.

"Stay with me a while," she whispered and Elliot nodded. The both scooted down under the covers and Olivia stayed right where she was, in Elliot's arm. Elliot rolled towards her on his side and wrapped his other arm around her as well. She relaxed in his arms and closed her eyes. Elliot rubbed the top of her head with his cheek and closed his eyes as well. Soon, they both drifted off to sleep again.

...

It was good to start the day over again a few hours later, only this time they did it right, without any more nightmares. Elliot woke up first and couldn't believe he was holding Olivia in his arms. She was pressed up against him, her cheek against his chest and her arm wrapped tightly around him. One of her legs had slipped between his and Elliot took it all in, her peaceful face, her steady breathing, her warm body and the smell of her hair and her skin. He moved one arm from her back to her hair, and cupped the back of her head before rolling her on her back carefully. Olivia moaned softly and her arm slipped from his back onto the bed. Elliot was still leaning over her on his elbow when she opened her eyes and looked straight into his.

"Hey," he said softly. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"Good morning," she mumbled. "So what _were_ you doing?"

"Trying to peel you off me," he grinned, and Olivia blushed.

"Sorry," she said but Elliot shook his head.

"No no, I like it when you're clingy."

She laughed and shoved him aside to get up into a sitting position.

"Well, don't get used to it."

Elliot laughed as well and sat up next to her. He noticed the small scars between her breasts again and couldn't help looking at them. Olivia followed his gaze and pulled her top up a little.

"Don't," she told him but Elliot put a hand on her knee.

"Liv. Don't be ashamed. You're a survivor. You're allowed to have some battle scars."

She nodded slowly but moved away from him anyway.

"I'm not going to stop loving you," he assured her and the casual way he said it, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to say, made her smile. She knew he really meant it. She turned back to face him and kissed the tip of his nose.

"I know."

Elliot smiled as well and kissed her softly on the lips.

"You should brush your teeth," he grinned and Olivia shoved him again.

"Prick," she muttered, moving away from him to go to the bathroom. "Like you smell of daisies early in the morning."

Elliot left her room and headed for his own bathroom, still laughing and shaking his head. He loved it when he could tease her like he used to when they were still partners. After freshening up and getting dressed, he started making coffee and breakfast. Olivia was taking her time and he was glad she had woken up so relaxed the second time. He made them both a fruit smoothie and poured them both a cup of coffee and began to wonder what was taking her so long. Just then, Olivia emerged from the hallway. Elliot almost dropped his coffee when he saw her and set his cup down quickly. He wasn't hiding his admiration for her as he took in her appearance and Olivia smiled shyly as she walked up to the breakfast bar.

She had put on some makeup and her fresh, well-rested face just lit up the room. She was wearing tight jeans that accentuated her hips and butt as well as the length of her legs. She had put on a white t-shirt with a round neck that showed just the right amount of cleavage. She must be wearing a pushup bra, Elliot thought, unable to keep his eyes off of her beautiful form. The shirt was tight and now that her breasts were pressed together, he couldn't see any of the scars. That had most likely been her intention but she had to know the effect would make his mouth water. Olivia sat down while he was still checking her out openly. She dipped her head to try and catch his stare and Elliot's eyes darted up to hers.

"You're killing me here Liv," Elliot groaned. "You gotta know I'm not made of stone."

"I'm sorry El, should I change?" Olivia asked, still smiling and knowing full well how she was affecting him.

"Only if I can watch," Elliot grunted while getting up and rounding the breakfast bar quickly to pull her in for a kiss. If she was going to walk around as a seductress, he wasn't going to pretend it didn't affect him. He'd agreed to follow her lead and take it slow but she was asking for it now.

He kissed her hungrily and Olivia joined in, snaking her arms around him and pulling him close as his tongue found hers, and she gasped when Elliot's right hand moved up from her waist and stroked the side of her left breast, rubbing his thumb lightly against it and grazing her nipple through her clothes as their kiss intensified. Olivia moaned and pushed herself further into his body and Elliot couldn't hide the clear beginning of his arousal from her anymore. She wasn't stopping him and their kiss was becoming more frantic as her hands moved down to his ass. She squeezed him gently as his mouth dropped down to her neck and she moaned again when Elliot pushed her up against the breakfast bar.

Olivia suddenly felt trapped between the bar and Elliot's body and pulled back abruptly, placing her hands on his chest. She was breathing heavily and looked at Elliot, who's lower half was still pressed up against her while he was looking down at her heaving chest, also trying to catch his breath. His hands were now resting on her hips but she could still feel the effect his hand had had on her breast. She wanted him to move and give her space. Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to try on one of her new bras under such a tight shirt, she thought. She really couldn't blame Elliot but she wasn't ready to take things any further and pushed against his chest lightly. She looked behind her and suggested they have some breakfast.

Elliot nodded and let go of her, returning to the other side of the bar quickly to hide the bulge in his pants. She'd probably felt it already but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. He knew he'd pushed her too far too fast and he wasn't sure if he should apologize. He looked at her as she turned around to sit down as well. Her lips were swollen and he couldn't help staring at them. The fantasies he'd had over the years about those full lips ... He felt a blush creep up his cheeks and looked down at his coffee.

"I ehm ... didn't mean to jump you like that," he started.

"Sure you did," Olivia replied immediately and he wiped his mouth with one hand before glancing up at her again.

She gave him an apologetic smile. She was okay. They were okay. He tried to relax but he knew taking it slow was going to be more difficult than he thought it would be. Last night, after he had put Olivia in bed, he had thought that anything he got from her now besides friendship would be a huge bonus. He was quickly finding out that the more she gave him, the more he wanted. But he shouldn't try to take it from her. She wasn't ready and he'd seen a hint of panic in her eyes when he'd pressed her up against the bar.

"I'm sorry," he offered, placing his hand over hers on the bar. "I told you we'd go at your pace and I meant it. I shouldn't have pushed you."

"It's okay El," she assured him. "I shouldn't make it hard for you to go slow. I know you're not made of stone and neither am I. You've been Mr. Perfect so far so ..."

She smiled and rubbed his thumb with her own.

"You're allowed to be human every now and then."

Olivia had been rattled though and it had shocked her. She hadn't expected to feel fear when she was with Elliot. But she felt as if she had been teleported into another reality briefly, where there was no Elliot, only a feeling of panic and the need to flee. She decided to write it in her journal and discuss it during her next session with Dr. Lindstrom.

They finished their breakfast and Olivia agreed to go to the gym with Elliot to take a look around. They both signed up and checked out the equipment and the group lessons schedule. Elliot pointed out to her that they had a self-defense class and Olivia made a mental note of the day: Wednesday nights. Later, they went for another run and swung by the hotel to get some more of Olivia's clothes. The subject of where she would stay wasn't discussed again, except once late that night, when they were getting ready to go to bed.

"I won't be here Saturday when they arrive," Olivia stated.

"Okay," Elliot replied.

And that was that.

...

 **June 25, 2013**

Olivia's therapy session the next morning was intense and gave her a lot to think about. Dr. Lindstrom made her see that fear was pulling her in two different directions. She was afraid of getting closer to Elliot and triggering flashbacks, but she was also afraid of losing him and what they already had. It would take time, he'd told her but when she asked how long, he couldn't answer her. It's different for each individual. Still, she was happy to report that the entries in her journal weren't all so dark anymore so there was progress. She just thought it wasn't going fast enough and the doctor told her even that was a good sign.

Elliot was actually a little nervous for his job interview. Between the proceeds of selling the family home and his pension, he didn't really need extra income right away but he did need something to do, besides hanging out with Olivia. The manager told him they didn't have a job for him right away but as they chatted about all kinds of things and Elliot mentioned his kids, the manager perked up.

"You ever work with kids?" he asked.

Elliot nodded.

"Yeah. I actually worked as a cop at sex crimes for years. Dealt with a lot of young victims of abuse. They tend to see me as a father figure. Which I am, of course. Got five of my own."

The manager rummaged through some papers until he found what he was looking for.

"Ah, here it is," he said, pulling out a flyer and handing it to Elliot. "We've just started classes for overweight kids right after school. It's to get them in shape but also to work on their self-confidence. So far, we have one instructor but she doesn't want to work five afternoons a week, because she had kids at home too. It's not a full time job but maybe you could talk to her and see if it's something you'd like to do."

Elliot was definitely interested. He'd have a modest second income and would still have time to spend with Olivia, and with Eli when he was with him. The other instructor wasn't there and he agreed to come back around 4 PM to see the class in action.

...

Elliot took the job and would head the class three afternoons a week, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, working alongside the more experienced instructor a few times before taking over from her completely on his work days. The Monday class was in Harlem, the other two at 'their' gym. After the classes, he would help out around the gym, doing odd jobs and maybe some coaching when it was busy. He'd be there from 3 till 7 PM.

They fell into a comfortable rhythm. In the mornings, he would go out for a run with Olivia and help her with her hand exercises. After lunch they just relaxed or went shopping for groceries and things to decorate Eli's room with, and hung out together until Elliot had to leave. They had fun getting Eli's room ready for the five-year old. On Friday, when her shoulder finally wasn't protesting anymore, Olivia joined Elliot after work and they worked out together at the gym. She wanted to join the self-defense class and signed up for the following week.

It would be a different week, because Kathy and Eli were coming over. Olivia had gotten used to being with Elliot every day and had gotten very comfortable with lying on the couch with him every night, watching some TV or talking, or just saying nothing and making out a little. She made sure not to dress too provocatively at night and not lead Elliot on too much. She still had restless nights but it was comforting to have Elliot close by. Tonight, she was going back to the hotel for at least two nights, maybe longer. She didn't want to go. She wanted to give Elliot some space with his family but she really didn't want to go back there. Elliot seemed to notice her unrest as he watched her pack her bag.

"You know you don't have to go, right?" he asked her, making one final attempt to convince her even though he knew it would be pointless. He was leaning against the doorframe of her bedroom and watched her move around the room to collect her things.

Olivia sighed, not looking at him while she stuffed her clothes into the bag that was sitting on the foot of her bed once again.

"I know that's how you feel about it El, but I don't agree."

"I know. Just ... just don't stay away all week Liv. It's really not necessary."

Olivia straightened her back and finally looked at him.

"We'll just see how it goes, okay?"

"Okay. But I'll miss you."

She smiled. She could hardly believe how far they'd come already. They were actually communicating with words.

"You nervous about Kathy coming?" she asked.

"A little," he replied honestly and Olivia nodded.

"Me too."

...


	41. Kathy

41.

When Elliot finally left her at the hotel, Olivia wanted to cry. She'd been used to missing him for years and had learned to cope without him over the past two years since his resignation, but things were different now. _She_ was different. She was different in ways she hated but she was also different in good ways. She wasn't afraid to need other people anymore. To need _him_. Now she would have to learn to be apart and not freak out, knowing he'd be back. He was being strong but she could see in his eyes that he was thinking the same things.

"Call me tomorrow when they're settled in, okay?" she asked, hoping her voice wasn't too shaky.

"I will. And I'll talk to Kathy again."

Olivia nodded and leaned her forehead against his shoulder, as they stood by the door of her room to say goodbye. Elliot just held her, knowing there was no point in repeating that she could come back any time. It was up to her and he had to respect her choice to retreat while he received his wife and son. He was a little nervous about talking to Kathy about making their breakup official, but she'd been nothing but wonderful to him so far. They had agreed that they were better apart and they both wanted the other one to be happy. And they were getting there; Kathy in Santa Cruz and him in New York.

He lay awake for quite some time that night and smiled when his phone beeped around 1 AM.

 _'I'm watching Tom and Jerry. You? Liv'_

He grinned and texted her back right away.

 _'Just lying here in the dark, thinking of you. El'_

 _'You should get some sleep'_

 _'You too'_

 _'ILU'_

 _'ILU 2'_

...

 **June 29, 2013**

The plane landed on time and Elliot was overjoyed to see his son again. Eli ran towards him as fast as his little legs could carry him and jumped into his arms. Kathy followed a little slower, dragging a suitcase behind her and carrying Eli's bag and backpack. She was smiling and Elliot was actually happy to see her. They gave each other a peck on the cheek and Elliot reached for the suitcase right away.

"Let me take that Kath. You look good."

"Thanks. So do you Elliot."

Eli was still clinging to Elliot, his arms wrapped around his father's neck and his blue eyes beaming.

"Daddy daddy, we went in the plane again," he told him enthusiastically.

"You sure did buddy. And I'm so glad you're here. Let's go to my new place, okay?"

He set his son down carefully and took his hand. Eli grabbed Kathy's hand with his other hand and for a few minutes, they looked like a regular little family, walking towards the parking lot. Eli's chatter distracted them and Elliot swallowed a lump in his throat. He'd missed his son so much and he couldn't wait to show him around the city, go to the zoo and to playgrounds with him. Everything he had been able to do in Santa Cruz and couldn't take for granted anymore. This was the hard part of their divorce. And while he was really happy for Kathy that she now had a life of her own, he wished she hadn't moved so far away. When they reached the car, he tried to shake off the sadness. They would have a great time this week and he wasn't going to ruin their time together by worrying about the future.

"Daddy?" Eli asked as he was securing his son's seatbelt in the back of the car.

"Yes Eli?"

"Where is Liv?"

Elliot dropped on one knee next to the car and glanced at Kathy, who was putting Eli's bag in the trunk.

"Liv is staying at a hotel right now. She'll come visit tomorrow."

"I want to see her today," Eli told him. "Mommy said I could."

Elliot looked at Kathy again. She was just getting into the car on the passenger side.

"Well, it's getting late already. By the time we get to my house it will almost be time for dinner. And after dinner, you have to get some sleep. But I'll call her okay? Ask her to come over tomorrow morning."

Eli was processing his words and Elliot marveled at how fast his little boy was growing up.

"Okay. She needs to sleep too. Mommy told me she was hurt."

"That's right. Liv got hurt and she needs a lot of sleep. But she's getting better now."

Eli's bright blue eyes lit up.

"So we can go out together with her?" he said happily. "To ... to ... mom! What was it again?"

Kathy turned around in her seat and looked at her son and his father.

"Coney Island Eli. He's seen pictures," she added by way of explanation and Elliot nodded.

"Coney Island huh? I think that can be arranged."

"Yey!" Eli said, clapping his hands.

Elliot closed the door in the back and got into the car on the driver's side.

"She doing alright?" Kathy asked softly as he started the car.

He looked at his wife, into her kind blue eyes and nodded.

"Yeah. She's getting there."

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

...

Kathy insisted that he leave her suitcase in the car, so he just took Eli's things up to the apartment. She looked around the apartment while Elliot showed Eli his new room. Eli was ecstatic and was jumping on his huge bed with a cool Cars duvet on it. When he spotted a box with toys he jumped off the bed and ran over to the box by the window to take everything out. Elliot smiled and let him play, walking back towards the living room to find Kathy.

Kathy was standing in the hallway, peering into the guest room and Elliot opened the door completely for her.

"Feel free to look around Kath. You can still stay here if you want," he told her, gesturing at the guest room.

"Isn't this Olivia's room?" she asked, walking a few steps into the bedroom and looking around.

Elliot walked in too and turned up the lights. He had changed the bedding and cleaned the room and the adjoining bathroom that morning. He wasn't trying to hide the fact that Olivia had been staying there but thought it wise to clean up, just in case Kathy changed her mind about staying over.

"She's been staying here but it's not her room," Elliot said. "She's at the hotel now."

"Trying not to get in my way?" Kathy asked, smiling slightly as she looked at him.

"Something like that," Elliot admitted, unsure of Kathy's exact mood right now.

"Tell her there's no need. I know she needs your support and it's okay. We all need to move on."

Elliot wondered if Kathy was maybe moving on herself but didn't want to ask. He showed her the rest of the apartment and asked her if she'd stay for dinner. It was strange in a way, to ask his own wife to stay for dinner but this apartment was his and she was a visitor, and that was what it felt like too. Kathy accepted and they had a quiet dinner with Eli. He'd made their son's favorite pasta. Eli was tired after traveling all day and Kathy put him to bed around eight while Elliot cleaned up. When she returned, she announced she was calling Kathleen to let her know she was on her way.

"Won't you stay for a cup of coffee?" Elliot asked. Kathy looked at him attentively before giving him a small nod.

"Sure. Let me call Kathleen first."

Elliot made them coffee while Kathy made her phone call and they sat on the couch together.

"It's good to see you Elliot," Kathy said as he handed her a mug, "but you look tired."

He was, actually, and he explained how the past few weeks had been for him and Olivia. He told Kathy about the nightmares, Olivia's breakup with Cassidy and his worries about her, and Kathy could imagine it was making him tired.

"She is getting better though and we have pretty good days too," he added, not wanting Kathy to think that helping Olivia recover was draining him too much. '" She's in therapy and it makes a hell of a difference that she's finally accepting help from other people."

Kathy nodded in understanding.

"You were both never very good at that."

Elliot laughed.

"Touché," he said and Kathy smirked at him.

"Except from each other," she added.

Elliot's face turned serious again.

"Actually, we didn't really accept help from each other either. Not really. Only when there wasn't any other way out. She thinks she has to do everything on her own to prove that she can do it and that she deserves to have a place in the world. We were two stubborn, independent, damaged hot-heads. I wonder sometimes how we managed to work together for so long."

Kathy smiled and there was silence between them again as they sipped their coffee.

"So ..." Kathy said after a minute, looking away from him and staring at the black TV screen. "You think you and Olivia ... you think it's going somewhere?"

He knew he had to be completely honest with her now, for Kathy's benefit but also for Olivia's. And his own.

"Yeah. I think so. I hope so."

Kathy turned her head to look at him.

"You haven't discussed it?"

How honest was he going to be?

"Well, Olivia is still recovering and isn't really up to ... up to making big decisions. But she's gradually letting me in and I hope we will grow closer over time."

He looked at his wife, wondering what she was thinking, and wondering if he could bring up the divorce now. When she stood up and took her coffee mug to the kitchen, he decided against it. She was going to be in New York for a whole week so there would be time. She asked if he could call her a cab and when he offered to drive her to Kathleen's, she reminded him that his son was sleeping in his new bedroom. He'd completely forgotten and realized that things would be very different while Eli was with him.

"Tisk tisk, dad," Kathy joked and he grinned at her.

"Sorry Kath," he mumbled while dialing the number of the cab company. "I hope you still trust me with him?"

"Always, Elliot," she assured him. "You're his father."

...

After helping Kathy put her suitcase in the cab and seeing her off, he finally called Olivia, who had been anxious to hear from him. He told her Eli was with him and Kathy had indeed decided to stay at Kathleen's while she was in New York.

"We had dinner and coffee together and then she took a cab," Elliot told her.

"And how did that go?" Olivia asked.

He told her about his conversation with Kathy and that she really seemed to be okay with them spending so much time together. Olivia hesitated when Elliot asked her to come over first thing in the morning but she gave in when he told her Eli had been bugging him all night because he wanted to see her. She had missed the boy as well and promised she would be there before noon. He assured her that Kathy wasn't going to be there, and even if she was, it would be absolutely fine.

Olivia did feel uncomfortable with the situation though. She knew the couple had agreed to split up but it still felt as if she was making a move on another woman's man. She tried to relax and get some sleep but tossed and turned for quite a while in the hotel bed.

...

 **June 30, 2013**

Olivia woke up early the next morning and took her time taking a bath and having breakfast before getting dressed for the day. She opted for a casual outfit. It was a nice summer day and she expected they would go outside with Eli, so she put on jeans and a simple black t-shirt and Elliot's hooded sweatshirt that she'd brought along. It was a little too big but she liked the way it covered her butt completely. It was a comfortable and neutral outfit.

After enjoying a cup of coffee, Olivia was surprised to hear a knock on her door at 9.45 AM. She walked to the door and asked who it was before opening it.

"Olivia? It's Kathy."

Kathy? What on earth could she want? Olivia opened the door, clear surprise written all over her face. Kathy stood there, a little nervous, her hands clasped together in front of her and asked if she could come in for a few minutes.

"Yes, of course. Come in. How have you been?" Olivia said quickly.

Kathy came in and Olivia closed and locked the door behind her. Kathy looked at her and the door. Olivia shrugged.

"I'm still a bit paranoid," she said by way of explanation.

"Better to be safe than sorry," Kathy replied.

"Please, sit," Olivia said, gesturing at the two armchairs by the window. "I was just having some coffee. Do you want a cup?"

Kathy accepted and Olivia got busy making two fresh cups of coffee. It gave her a few minutes to come to terms with the fact that Elliot's wife had come to see her. She and Kathy had always gotten along more or less, but the situation had changed and Olivia was feeling tense. What if she wanted her husband back after all? Would Elliot go back, like he had done several times before? He hands were trembling when she set the two coffee mugs down on the small coffee table and she hoped Kathy hadn't noticed.

Once she was seated she asked Kathy,

"What can I do for you?"

Kathy told her she just wanted to see how she was doing now, and how sorry she was about what had happened to her. Olivia told her that she was getting better and she was in therapy.

"Elliot told me you're working on getting back into shape now, running and working out?"

"Yeah. It's a great way to clear my mind," Olivia confirmed, still trying to figure out why Kathy had come. "I want to go back to work at some point, so I need to get fit again."

Kathy nodded.

"Your job is very important to you, isn't it?"

"It is. It's great to be able to help victims of abuse get justice. And sometimes I think I need the job as much as they need me."

"Because you need to feel useful."

It was a statement, not a question and Olivia looked at the woman in front of her more attentively. She was right. She needed to feel useful, which was why it was so difficult for her to be out of the game and dependent on other people.

"Why do you think that is?" Kathy asked and Olivia could tell she was really interested. She wasn't just making conversation. Olivia leaned back in her chair and stared out the window.

"My therapist asked me that too. He says I may be trying to atone for the way I came into this world, and to prove I actually deserve to be here."

It was the most honest answer she could give and it shocked her that she had just said the words out loud, to Kathy no less. Kathy seemed to be thinking about her words, and they sat in silence for a while.

"Every human being deserves to be here," Kathy stated after a few minutes.

There was a finality to her words that made Olivia sit up. She had seen a lot of people over the years that she found to be quite undeserving of a life because of all the pain they had inflicted on others. Kathy looked at her and Olivia could see a strength in her blue eyes that made her want to know more, to hear what she had to say next.

"No matter how any person was conceived physically," Kathy continued, "as soon as we come into the world, God gives us a precious soul that is meant to be here, because He wanted that soul to live and because He loves it. Souls can be damaged, crushed even, and the damage can make people do terrible things, but they were all meant to be here and to live a good life."

Olivia was listening. She really was.

"It doesn't matter how you came to be, Olivia. You are here and your soul is precious to God. You were meant to live, to love and to be loved. If you can accept that and embrace it, you will be able to forgive yourself, and accept yourself and others around you. And accept their love for you."

Olivia was floored. She hadn't been raised with any kind of religion, although she did believe there was more to life than meets the eye. Kathy's words moved her deeply and tears welled in her eyes. Somehow, she knew there was truth in Kathy's words and she took a deep breath. Kathy leaned forward and placed a hand on her knee tentatively.

"Don't be so hard on yourself Olivia. Everyone makes mistakes and you don't have to be perfect to earn your right to be here. You've punished yourself long enough."

Olivia couldn't suppress the sob that escaped her throat and Kathy stood up to crouch next to her chair. Of all the people she knew, she had never expected Kathy to be the one to open her eyes and face herself. _Really_ face herself and the way she had tried to live her life until now. She was just so tired of fighting, but scared to death to stop. Kathy put a hand on her back and Olivia leaned over to her, returning her half embrace and letting a few tears get away from her.

"Thank you Kathy," she managed to say before she sniffled, trying to stop crying before actually starting.

"You're welcome Olivia."

Kathy stood up and returned to her chair to finish her coffee while Olivia recomposed herself. Somehow, she felt like she was being redeemed, even for all the unholy thoughts she'd had about the husband of the woman in front of her. She could tell that Kathy had a strong faith. There was something unwavering about her, that she hadn't always seen while she and Elliot were still partners. Kathy had changed, had made peace with her life and with herself. Maybe that was the key, to make peace with herself, with who she was, where she came from and what she'd done. Even the most terrible thing she'd done. Olivia took a few deep breaths and looked at Kathy again.

"Why exactly did you come here today Kathy?" she wondered out loud.

"To see how you're doing," Kathy said, "and to let you know that you shouldn't deny yourself happiness out of some sense of obligation Olivia. I can tell you from experience, nobody wins that way."

It was a lot to take in but Olivia did register what Kathy was telling her now.

"I don't know what to say," she said softly.

"You don't have to say anything," Kathy said quietly. "Just don't push Elliot away. That way, I won't have to worry about him."

With that, Kathy stood up, picked up her purse and walked towards the door. Olivia got up quickly as well, still at a loss for words. Kathy smiled when she reached the door.

"I'm going to see my granddaughter now. I plan to tuck Eli in tonight around seven or eight. Maybe I'll see you later?"

"Yeah ... okay. Thank you for stopping by," Olivia stammered and before she could say anything else, Kathy was gone.

...

...

 **Well, how 'bout that Kathy. Is she a wise woman or not?  
This was a particularly tough chapter to write (and so is the next one), so please leave a review to let me know what you think of it!  
**


	42. Soul

**Thank you all for the great reception of the previous chapter.  
One reviewer said they never expected the chapter to be so good and it made me laugh out loud. Please tell me, what _did_ you expect? ;)  
** **I wasn't sure if y'all were up for Olivia's soul searching and Kathy's religious angle, but your reactions were encouraging. Here's part two of this interlude, showing us how Olivia tries to deal with Kathy's words of wisdom. Do let me know what you think.**

...

42.

Elliot's phone beeped and Eli jumped up from the couch to get it.

"Is it Liv? Is she coming now?" his son asked him excitedly while handing the phone to Elliot. They had slept in and had breakfast together and were currently occupying themselves with card games while waiting for Olivia.

Elliot opened the text message and frowned when he read it.

 _'Need some more time, sorry. See you both after lunch?'_

"What is it daddy?" Eli asked, leaning against him to peek at the screen and forcing his father to consider him as well, and not just himself.

It was only 10.30 AM and Olivia was supposed to be there before noon. How could she already know she was going to be late? He had a feeling something was off.

"It's Liv," he told Eli. "She says she'll be here later. Let me just call her and ask her why."

Eli nodded and kept his eyes trained on his father's face while Elliot made the call.

"Hey El," Olivia greeted him, and he thought she sounded a little off, just as he'd thought.

"Hey, what's up. Did you have a bad night?"

"No ... no, I actually slept alright. I ehm ... I'm working on my journal and it's taking more time than I thought."

Her voice was shaky and Elliot's alarm bells were going off.

"Why should you have to work on your journal if you had a good night?"

He knew he sounded pushy but he wanted her to tell him what was wrong. He could practically hear her debating with herself what to tell him, and if Eli hadn't been with him, he would have gone over to the hotel right away.

"El ... I'll tell you later okay? This is something I have to do now. Don't worry about me. Just go out with Eli and have fun. I'll call you when I'm ready to leave here."

"Liv."

Elliot scrubbed a hand down his face, trying to reign in his frustration.

"What happened?"

He heard her sigh.

"Nothing happened Elliot. I just need to write a few things down while they're still fresh in my mind. Please ... just let me do this."

...

Olivia was lying on her back, her phone pressed to her ear and her journal and pen next to her on the hotel bed. She knew she was worrying Elliot by not telling him what had brought on the need to write in her journal. But if she told him Kathy had come to see her, he'd be even more worried. She needed some time to deal with what Kathy had said to her and was writing her thoughts down to make sense of them. She had a feeling it would help and she wanted to hang on to the encouraging words about being given a soul to love and be loved. Her thoughts were jumbled and she needed to get a grip on them before she'd be able to give her undivided attention to little Eli.

She could hear Elliot's frustration as he exhaled into the phone but as much as she wanted to tell him more, she couldn't right now. It was all still too fresh and new.

"El, I promise I'll make it up to you. We'll talk tonight. Just have fun today and I'll join you as soon as I can."

He had no choice but to accept her decision and she knew he had to stay civil because Eli was with him. They ended the call and she returned to her journal.  
She had tried to write down as much as possible of what Kathy had said.

 _No matter how any person was conceived physically, as soon as we come into the world, God gives us a precious soul that is meant to be here._ _It doesn't matter how you came to be. You are here and your soul is precious to God. You were meant to live, to love and to be loved. If you can accept that and embrace it, you will be able to forgive yourself, and accept yourself and others around you. And accept their love for you._

The words were hitting raw nerves, all the huge questions she'd struggled with throughout her childhood and even now that she was in her forties. But they hit her in a good way. They pointed out to her that her life was about more than the way she'd been conceived, her mother's pain an her need to atone for that. That she was part of something bigger, much bigger than herself. And the realization both crushed her and gave her room to breathe.

It crushed her because it meant that every pervert she'd ever locked up, also had a soul that originally had a right to be here. Only they'd been damaged, probably beyond repair, and shouldn't ever be let loose in society again. It crushed her because people like William Lewis could maim other souls and leave only destruction in their wake.

It gave her room to breathe because it meant that she could be lifted from her personal circumstances and see a bigger picture. That she wasn't defined by how she came into the world, or even her upbringing. She also wasn't defined by her job or her efforts to right the wrongs in the world. She was a human being and that was enough to have a right to be here. She didn't have to earn that right. It was given to her at birth. Maybe even before then.

 _Everyone makes mistakes and you don't have to be perfect to earn your right to be here. You've punished yourself long enough._

She thought about it and wrote a question for herself in her journal. Have I punished myself? And if so, how and for what? Every now and then, she had to wipe a stray tear off the paper and the ink was getting smudged. These were deep issues and she wasn't used to dealing with those. But they were about her now and she wanted to write them down to discuss with Dr. Lindstrom during her next session. She didn't have all the answers but Kathy's words had made her see several questions clearly as well. Could wounded souls heal? She knew the answer to that one. She'd seen it happen many times. And she knew that in time, her soul would heal as well. In fact, it was already starting to heal. With the help of others.

 _You shouldn't deny yourself happiness out of some sense of obligation. I can tell you from experience, nobody wins that way._

As she wrote down Kathy's words and her own thoughts about them, her mind drifted to Elliot. He had made a lot of choices out of obligation, together with Kathy. They had stayed together for their children. At first, Olivia had thought the Stabler family was living the dream. Marriage, children, a home, school plays, soccer games, science projects and a pet turtle. But she had soon found out it had only looked perfect. Nobody had won because they weren't really happy. She shouldn't deny herself happiness, like they had done for so long. _Don't push Elliot away.  
_ Was it finally her turn to be happy? Was she worthy to be happy? Why wouldn't she be?

Olivia dropped her pen and rolled on her back, draping an arm across her eyes. Why wouldn't she be worthy?

 _You don't have to be perfect._

 _Forgive yourself._

Forgive yourself.

Forgive your mother.

Forgive yourself.

Accept yourself.

Accept his love.

...

Elliot had taken Eli to a playground near his apartment after lunch. He had wanted to go with Olivia but she still hadn't called. He was worried about her but he knew he needed to give her space. She said they would talk tonight, after Eli had gone to bed. He just needed to see her, to look into her eyes to see how she was really doing. He was sitting on a bench in the sun, watching Eli play with a few other children. He checked his phone every now and then but there were no messages. At 2.30 PM, while he was checking once again, it suddenly rang. Caller ID: Liv.

"Hey," he said quickly.

"Hey yourself. Where are you guys? I'm at your place."

"You're already here? I thought we were picking you up."

"Yeah, well, I thought I'd save some time. So where are you?"

Elliot gave her directions quickly and got up to walk to the entrance of the playground. His apartment was only a few blocks away so it wouldn't take Olivia long to reach them. Eli was still engrossed in a game of tag with a few other boys and Elliot kept his eyes on the street where he expected Olivia to appear. He could see her coming from half a block away and his heart skipped a beat. They had been apart for much longer before, but these two nights had felt like an eternity. She was wearing a casual outfit, just like him, and sunglasses. Her short hair bounced as she walked and he thought she looked so much stronger than a few weeks ago already. She waved when she spotted him and jogged the final dozen yards until she could wrap her arms around him. Elliot held her close for a few seconds and they didn't speak. When they let go of each other, his eyes asked her if she was alright and hers told him she was fine. Then Olivia looked around to find Eli.

"So where is that little munchkin?" she asked, scanning the children in the playground.

Before Elliot could point him out, the little blonde boy had spotted Olivia.

"Liiiiv!" he yelled and the game he had been playing was totally forgotten.

Elliot put his hand on Olivia's back to steady her as his son crashed into her at full speed. She lifted him up and Elliot looked at her face as she greeted his son. She was beaming and so was Eli. He watched them as she set him down and Eli started telling Olivia what he'd done since they landed in New York while pulling her towards the swings.

"Push me, Liv?" Eli asked and Olivia was only too happy to oblige.

They played with Eli for a while and watched him play with other children. Olivia smiled at Elliot a few times, letting him know she was alright. Around 4.30 they went back to Elliot's place. Elliot asked Eli what he would like to have for dinner. He wanted a hamburger so they decided to go to a fast food restaurant. Elliot told his son this would definitely not become a habit and it was just to celebrate his arrival but Eli wasn't listening anymore and skipped ahead happily as they walked down to the car.

After parking the car, as they walked to the burger restaurant, Olivia slipped her hand in Elliot's and smiled when he looked at her a little surprised. She wasn't usually very affectionate in public and he wondered what had changed. He'd watched her at the playground and she seemed to be more at peace than he'd seen her so far since her unfortunate encounter with Lewis. They entered the restaurant where Eli was already jumping up and down at the counter, waiting impatiently for the adults so he could tell them which burger he wanted.

They ate together and gave most of their attention to the five-year old. Eli was uncomplicated and innocent and Olivia felt so comfortable with him. And with Elliot.  
She had gone over the notes in her journal a few times before joining the Stabler men. She knew that in a way, Kathy had given her the green light to pursue a relationship with Elliot. And the way she had spoken about every person being alive to love and be loved had moved her. It was like she could breathe better than before and she had done something she had never done before. She had said a small prayer of just one sentence, thanking God that she was alive and that she had Elliot to support her. She had cried after that, but it hadn't been a desperate kind of crying. She had felt grateful and it felt good.

Olivia had no idea how she could explain to Elliot what had happened. What his wife's words had done to her. She would tell him they'd talked but she knew she wanted to go over things with Dr. Lindstrom. And while she knew she still had a long road ahead of her to come to terms with the assault, she felt more certain than ever that there was light at the end of the tunnel. And love.

After their makeshift dinner they returned to Elliot's apartment. Eli asked if he could watch cartoons and they let him. The boy was getting tired and it gave them an opportunity to talk at last. They retreated into Elliot's bedroom and Olivia flopped on his bed, dropping on her back with her legs dangling off the foot of the bed and her arms above her head.

"Tired?" Elliot asked, as he scooted beside her on the bed to her right, turning on his left side and propping himself up on one elbow so he could look her over.

"A little," Olivia admitted. It had been an eventful day for her.

"You wanna tell me about this morning?" Elliot asked cautiously.

He didn't want to push her but he had a feeling she wanted to talk. Olivia raised her right arm and stroked his left cheek gently with her hand.

"I missed you," she told him honestly and Elliot turned his head to kiss the inside of her hand.

"I missed you too. I'm glad you're here again."

He wasn't going to ask where she was going to sleep tonight. They'd get to it. He wanted to know about her morning. Olivia was still stroking his cheek and moved her hand to his neck, rubbing it gently as she studied his face. She seemed to be debating what to tell him and he waited, reveling in the feeling of her hand on his skin. He didn't know how he had managed to live so long without her touch. It was like breathing to him now and he leaned over to her to kiss her forehead. Olivia moved her other arm as well and wrapped it around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Elliot was hesitant, not wanting Olivia to feel cornered while she was lying on her back, but she was the one pulling him in, so how could he resist? He rolled over and leaned over her as their lips found each other, leaning on his elbows on either side of her, but keeping the lower half of his body away from her. Olivia moaned softly as she opened her mouth and sucked his upper lip in gently before running her tongue over it. Elliot groaned, plunging his tongue into her mouth to meet hers and they kissed languidly. For a while, the only sounds to be heard in the room were their breathing through their noses and soft, muffled moans as they took turns prolonging the kiss each time one of them seemed to be pulling back.

When they finally broke apart, Elliot dropped on his back next to Olivia, his face turned towards hers. They were both smiling and Olivia stroked his cheek again with the back of her hand.

"What brought that on Liv?" he asked, slightly out of breath. "Not that I'm complaining."

She laughed softly.

"I guess I'm learning," she said, tracing the outline of his jaw with her fingers.

"Learning?"

"Not to be scared shitless of finally getting what I want."

Elliot turned on his side again and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"What changed?"

Olivia took a deep breath and moved her hand from his face to cover his arm on her stomach with her own.

"Kathy came to see me this morning."

...

 **The next chapter is ready to go and I'll upload it as soon as this chapter hits 15 reviews or more (from different readers, not guests only). Do we have a deal? PS. Guests, just sign up. You don't have to be a writer to be here ;)**


	43. Scars

**Wow, we're over 15 reviews already, in just 2 hours ... Just keep 'em coming! Here is your next chapter, as promised. Enjoy!**

...

43.

 _"Kathy came to see me this morning."_

"What?"

Elliot shot up, unable to process what Olivia had just told him. Olivia sat up as well and rubbed her hands on her thighs.

"Kathy came to your hotel room?"

"Yeah."

Olivia looked at him and smiled.

"I hadn't expected her but we talked and she really opened my eyes to a few things."

Elliot still wasn't processing. Olivia had sounded slightly upset the first time he spoke with her that day on the phone, but later she'd been fine. Really fine, actually.

"So, what ... what did you talk about?"

Olivia put a hand on his knee reassuringly.

"Don't look so worried El. It's a good thing that she showed up. She ..."

They were interrupted by the buzzer, announcing a visitor. Elliot checked his watch. It was almost seven.

"That will be her," Olivia said and she got up from the bed to get the door.

Elliot was stunned. What was going on here? Olivia was getting the door at his place to let Kathy in. And she'd been expecting her. What was he missing? He followed her quickly and smiled when Olivia pointed at Eli, who had fallen asleep on the couch in front of the television. Elliot walked over to his son and sat down beside him while Olivia buzzed Kathy up. The two women greeted each other and he could hear Kathy whispering something, but he couldn't hear what she was saying. He saw Olivia smile and decided it must be a good thing. He couldn't help feeling completely left out though.

"He just fell asleep watching TV," Olivia told Kathy as they walked up to the Stabler men on the couch.

"Hi Elliot," Kathy said quietly. "I'd like to put Eli to bed if that's okay."

Elliot stood up and quickly told her that of course, that was okay. Kathy sat down beside Eli and woke him up gently while Olivia offered to make coffee for everyone. Elliot hugged his son goodnight and watched Kathy walk off, carrying Eli to his room while Olivia was making coffee. He joined Olivia in the kitchen and put a hand on her back.

"What is going on here?" he asked softly.

"Don't worry about it El. I'll explain later, I promise."

"Tell me now. They'll be busy for a while."

"El."

Olivia sighed. She could tell that Elliot was confused but she wasn't having a deep conversation with him about her life and their relationship while his wife was in the next room. She turned around to face him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Can't you see it's a good thing? She's okay with _us_ El. She wants us to take care of each other. I'll tell you everything after she leaves."

"She's okay with us?"

"Yeah."

Olivia patted his chest before turning back to the coffee maker.

"She's having one cup of coffee and then she's going to see Dickie. Patience, Stabler."

...

Olivia had been right. Kathy had one cup of coffee and then left to go visit their other son in his dorm room. Elliot walked her out while Olivia poured the two of them a second cup of coffee.

"Kathy, I don't know what you told Olivia this morning," Elliot said softly as they stepped into the hallway of the building, "but I want to thank you. I haven't seen her this relaxed since I got back to the city."

Kathy smiled.

"I'm sure she'll tell you about it, and you're welcome Elliot. I really do want you to be happy. Both of you."

Elliot gave her a spontaneous hug and whispered in her neck,

"I want the same for you Kath. I do love you and I always will."

"I love you too, Elliot," Kathy whispered back. "Take care."

He released her and watched her walk away. She was a strong woman and he did love her. She had given him five beautiful children and almost thirty years of her life, and he had done the same for her, for their family. They had not ended up regretting each other and were able to look at the future with hope while looking back in gratitude. They were not really leaving each other, they would be connected through their children forever. They were simply entering a new chapter in their life-long relationship. And this new chapter included his former partner. He turned around and went back inside, where she was waiting for him. While Kathy had been the love he lived with, Olivia was the love of his life.

She smiled when he returned to the couch and sat down beside her. He watched her profile as she sipped her coffee calmly. He was trembling inside but it wasn't a fearful trembling. Whatever the two women in his life had discussed that morning, it was bringing him closer to the life he had dreamed of for years. If the passionate kiss they had shared earlier was any indication of what lay ahead for them, he couldn't wait to make his dreams reality. He wasn't sure which pace would be comfortable for Olivia though and that was probably a huge reason for the tension in his body. He couldn't wait but he would have to. He wanted to touch her, feel her bare skin under his hands and he swallowed hard before taking another gulp of his coffee.

"Kathy is a very strong woman," Olivia said, interrupting his thoughts, and he sat up a little.

"I was thinking the exact same thing when she left just now," he replied.

"Maybe it'll rub off on me a little," Olivia said with a smirk.

Elliot put his cup down on the coffee table and shifted on the couch so he was facing her, pulling one leg up underneath him on the couch.

"Liv, you are the strongest woman I've ever met. No, you are the strongest _person_ I've ever met, period. Don't you ever doubt that."

She smiled warily and glanced at him.

"I don't feel like it lately."

"You'll get there. You're stronger already than just a few weeks ago," Elliot assured her. Surely she could see that?

Olivia nodded slightly and put down her now empty coffee cup as well.

"So, you wanna tell me what you and Kathy talked about this morning?" Elliot asked.

Olivia turned to face him, mirroring the way he was sitting and Elliot actually felt nervous. He preferred to be with Olivia at all times to make sure other people didn't hurt or confuse her. She would never let him hover over her like that, he knew that. Still, it didn't sit well with him that Kathy had gone behind his back. He knew better than to tell either of them, knowing they'd both give him an earful about being independent adults that didn't need his overprotective ass around all the time. And in all fairness, it was none of his business. He just wanted it to be his business.

Olivia took a breath and Elliot focused on her eyes, which would always tell him more than just her words could.

"Kathy dropped by to see how I was doing, and to let me know I shouldn't push you away."

Elliot's eyebrows shot up. He hadn't expected that.

"Also," Olivia continued, looking down at her hands, "she talked about how she believes that it doesn't matter where we come from, that we all have a right to be here. That God gives each person a soul that is meant to live. And to love."

She looked up at him and could see his surprise as he registered what she was saying.

"You've never been very religious," he said, still looking at her, trying to dissect her reaction to Kathy's words.

Olivia smiled.

"I'm not really a group person. I don't like to say or do things just because everyone else is doing it. But that doesn't mean I don't believe there is more to life than what we can see."

"I don't believe in group behavior either," Elliot said honestly. "I'm Catholic but it isn't about the rituals and the habits. It's about what it does to you individually."

Olivia nodded. That she could agree with.

"It moved me," she admitted. "And it's kinda new to look at myself without the baggage of where I came from."

Elliot suppressed the urge to touch her but he was curious.

"And what do you see when you do?" he asked her and he was genuinely surprised when he saw her lips tremble when she answered him.

"Me."

It came out as a whisper and she blinked a few times to keep the tears at bay that were threatening to fall.

"Just me," she repeated, struggling not to start crying. "Someone who matters just as much as everyone else."

Elliot moved then, scooting as close to her as possible, their bent knees touching, and put his hands on her thighs.

"To me, you matter a hell of a lot more than everyone else," he told her, his voice thick with emotion.

Olivia smiled, wiping her eyes before the tears could escape.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I ... I'm starting to believe it," she replied honestly.

"Is that why you almost swallowed me whole earlier?" Elliot joked, trying to lighten her mood.

She laughed and sat up on her knees to put her arms around his neck. He was in an awkward position, sitting on one leg, and couldn't keep his balance so he sank backwards onto the couch, taking Olivia with him in the process. She scooted up until her face was close to his and then kissed him softly.

"Yes."

He returned her kiss, deepening it as her body draped over his. He held her close with one arm and let his other hand wander from her shoulder blades down her spine and the swell of her ass, until he reached the hem of her sweatshirt. Without breaking their intimate kiss, his hand slipped under the fabric and moved up again. When he hit skin, they moaned simultaneously in each others' mouths. Elliot nipped at her full lower lip while he splayed his hand on her back, his heart rate picking up as his fingers danced on her skin. Olivia's rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes closed, and he took it as a sign that this was still okay.

"She said I shouldn't be so hard on myself," Olivia said softly against his neck.

"She's right," Elliot breathed before kissing her again, and then moving from her lips to her cheek and down to her neck.

His hand was still on her back and every inch of skin he was touching, seemed to catch fire. His lips were nipping the soft skin of her neck and if his arm hadn't held her, she would have dropped to the floor in seconds. She felt loved and safe and while goose bumps were forming all over her skin, her arms and legs were going numb as she sank further into Elliot's body.

Elliot had wanted to know more about her conversation with Kathy but he couldn't really think right now. _More, more_ , was the only word that was running through his mind. Her skin was soft as silk and her soft moans were making him weak and hard at the same time. He dipped down to kiss her collarbone and groaned when she shifted her weight to prop herself up on her elbows, and knocked his growing erection with her thigh.

"Sorry," she mumbled, finding his lips with hers again as she settled between his legs.

He stared into her eyes for a second, trying to get a read on how far they were going to take this tonight. He let his hands glide down her body again until they covered her perfect ass and Olivia smiled. She propped herself up a little higher and he wondered what she was going to say or do next.

"Daddy?"

In a split second they were sitting upright again, tugging at their clothes nervously as Eli approached them, a stuffed animal under one arm and rubbing his eyes with his other arm.

"What is it son?" Elliot asked quickly, wondering how much of their make out session his boy had witnessed.

"Liv didn't kiss me goodnight," Eli said with a very sleepy voice, still rubbing his eyes.

Olivia smiled and reached out to him, tugging at his arm until he was standing between her knees.

"You're right, and we have to do something about that," she told him. "Why don't I tuck you in again, and you'll get a really big goodnight kiss."

Eli nodded and smiled and Olivia got up to take him back to his room. Elliot scrubbed his hands down his face and sighed. As much as he loved kids, this was the one downside of having them. He shook his head and decided to do something to distract himself, in the hopes that his body would calm down. He rinsed out their coffee cups and put them in the dish washer. He washed his hands and splashed some cold water in his face. He got two beers from the fridge, set them on the coffee table and switched on the television. Olivia still wasn't coming back and he decided to walk over to Eli's room to see what they were doing. He loved to see Olivia with his son. She was so great with kids, she really should be a mother.

...

Eli was back in his bed, his stuffed rabbit safely in his arms, and Olivia pulled the sheets up to his chin. They had read a little book together and Eli had told her the names of his rabbit and his two doggies, that were sitting next to his pillow. She leaned over to give him the big goodnight kiss she'd promised him, when Eli piped up.

"Liv?"

"Yes honey?"

"How did the man hurt you?"

Olivia hadn't expected the question and sat down on the edge of the bed, her back to the door. She knew that Kathy had told Eli she'd been hurt, but she didn't know that he knew it had been a man who hurt her.

"Why do you want to know, Eli?" she asked him, unsure of what his 5-year old brain would be able to process.

"'Cause I can't see it."

It was a simple, straightforward answer that only a child could give. Olivia smiled. She couldn't explain to Eli that the biggest hurt wasn't physical. To him, pain was a bruised knee or a cut in his finger and it should stay that way for a while yet.

"My wrist was broken," she told him, "but it has healed already. And I have some scars. Do you know what scars are?"

Eli nodded.

"Yes. It's when you get hurt and it gets better but you can still see where you were hurt."

A perfect definition of a scar.

"Do you have a scar, Eli?"

"No."

The little boy shook his head fervently.

"But daddy does. He has bullet holes."

He made it sound like it was something to be proud of and Olivia smiled.

"Do you have bullet holes too Liv?"

"No. The man gave me different scars."

"Where?"

"Here."

She put a hand over her stomach and watched for a reaction from Eli.

"Can I see?"

So innocent. She'd been marked for life but Eli's curiosity was endearing. If there was anyone who would never judge her for having the scars, it would be this young child.

"Okay," she said softly.

She unzipped her sweatshirt - Elliot's sweatshirt - and lifted her t-shirt far enough to expose the biggest scar on her stomach. She watched as Eli sat up and studied the marks on her skin. He reached out and touched the scar gingerly with his little index finger.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked.

"This one doesn't," she told him honestly.

"It looks like a letter," Eli mused, tracing the big W with his finger.

"It is. It's the first letter of the man's name. He wanted to write on me."

"Why?"

Olivia pulled her shirt down and tried to think quickly, needing an example from the world of a five-year old.

"Do you have books with your name on it, Eli?"

The boy nodded.

"What does it mean when a book has your name on it?"

"That it belongs to me."

"Right."

Before she could explain further, she could see on Eli's face that he got it.

"But you don't belong to the man. You belong to you."

She pulled Eli in for a hug and kissed his little neck.

"You are so right Eli. I belong to me. And a little bit to you, right?"

She looked into his bright blue eyes and Eli smiled widely.

"Yeah."

He was beaming and Olivia couldn't have felt more accepted than at that moment.

"Just like mommy and daddy."

She wanted to cry and kissed Eli's cheek, hiding her tears because he wouldn't understand how happy he'd made her. She tucked him in again and they said goodnight. Olivia watched as Eli closed his eyes, completely unaware of the impact he'd just had on her. She took a deep breath and turned around to leave his room.

She froze when she saw Elliot standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes. How long had he been standing there?

...

...

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	44. Time

**I woke up Wednesday morning to another ton of reviews so I worked hard to get this next installment ready for you.**

 **I have to wonder though, when I post two new chapters in one day, the first one gets a lot less views. Are people just skipping to the last chapter? If so, I think some of you may have missed chapter 42!**

 **Anyway, here's 44. Enjoy!**

...

44.

Elliot knew he should have walked away but he'd been rooted to his spot just outside Eli's room. He wasn't sure what he was feeling. It was an all-consuming rage against William Lewis who had dared to touch Olivia and even brand her with his name. It was excruciating pain for the humiliation she had suffered and was no doubt still feeling. It was an overwhelming love for both Olivia and his son, and a deep sense of belonging that he felt for her as well as himself. His heart was racing and when she turned around and saw him standing there, he froze. He had been eavesdropping and he didn't have an excuse.

There was shock in her face when she saw him but she picked herself up quickly and brushed past him into the hallway and back to the living room. Elliot closed the door to Eli's room carefully and took a deep breath before following Olivia. She had picked up one of the beers and had sat down on the couch. She was taking a large swig as she leaned back on the couch. Elliot picked up the other beer and sat down beside her.

"How much did you hear?" Olivia asked.

Her voice was flat but he was relieved that she wasn't angry. Not yet, anyway.

"Most of it I think. I heard Eli ask you how the man hurt you."

"And you thought it was okay to listen in."

Elliot hung his head. He knew he shouldn't have.

"I'm sorry. I just ... I froze. I just had to listen. I should have let you know I was there."

Olivia was silent and took another swig of her beer. She switched the television to a different channel and put the remote back on the coffee table. Elliot didn't know what to say and decided that the best way to not make things worse was to say nothing at all.

"I would have told you, you know," Olivia said quietly after a few minutes.

She was leaning her elbows on her knees and was looking at the beer bottle in her hand.

"I know."

"Do you?"

She was looking at him now, still leaning forward but her eyes fixed on his profile. He was guilty. He was still used to closed-off Olivia. Olivia who put up a brave face. He had been yearning to get more information about what had happened to her and he hadn't trusted her to confide in him. Not really. And she was calling him on it. He shook his head and looked at her.

"No. And I'm sorry about that too."

Olivia pursed her lips and nodded.

"You have to let me do this my way, Elliot."

He wanted to apologize again but the look in her eyes told him not to. She knew he was sorry. He took the bottle from her hands and set both their bottles on the coffee table. Olivia followed his movements with her eyes but said nothing. He took her hands in his and lifted them up to his lips to kiss them.

"I'll try Liv. But I'm not going to pretend this is easy for me."

"Fair enough."

Olivia wanted to cry again and she hated it. This really wasn't her. Was it? Her emotions had been sent flying from one extreme into the other all day and she needed time to process and digest. She wished she had just stayed in Eli's room a little longer to make room in her heart for all these new feelings the little boy - and his mother - had elicited in her. She didn't have the energy to deal with Elliot's emotions on top of her own. He was supposed to be her rock. Maybe it wasn't fair to him.

Couldn't he see that she wasn't shutting him out? She was just letting him in slower than he would like. There was a big difference. Why couldn't he see that?

"Tell me what you're thinking," Elliot said, and his voice was kind and caring.

Olivia blinked and looked at him. She looked almost confused.

"My therapist back in Santa Cruz said something very interesting a while ago," he told her.

"And what was that?"

She was looking straight ahead again. He took a deep breath. It wasn't as easy as his therapist had made it sound.

"He told me that to avoid misunderstandings, we should say things out loud rather than hope the other person 'gets' us."

She frowned and he just watched her while she let his words sink in. He knew it was a new concept for her. For both of them. It was sad really, but on the other hand, they had never needed a lot of words. Until now. They would have to learn to speak up and not expect the other person to just know things. There was too much at stake now to take that risk anymore.

Olivia thought that was actually what they had been doing. More so than they used to anyway. But Elliot was right. She shouldn't assume he knew what she was thinking, or expect him to understand.

"Your therapist may have a point."

She looked at him and he could see the beginning of a smile on her lips.

"It's what they do," Elliot said, smiling as well. "they shrink our heads until the important stuff finally comes out."

Elliot took a chance and put his hand on her back again, leaning back on the couch and asking her,

"So. Could you tell me what you were thinking just now?"

Olivia knew he was right. She had just been wondering why Elliot couldn't see that she wasn't shutting him out. In stead of wondering if he could see it, she could just tell him. Flex another new muscle. She leaned back as well, and settled against his arm. Elliot pulled her a little closer to him and she rested her head against his shoulder.

"I was thinking, that you should know that I'm not shutting you out. But I'm not used to opening myself up like this and you can't rush me."

Elliot turned his head and kissed her forehead.

"You're right. You've come a long way already. I know these things take time. I get impatient sometimes but when I do, please don't think I'm getting fed up with you. Okay?"

Olivia looked up and smiled, blinking away more of those annoying tears that seemed to be too close to the surface these days.

"Okay."

Elliot kissed her forehead again and tried to relax. He wasn't sure if Olivia was going to confide in him any further or if he should ask her to. When Eli walked in on them earlier, the romantic moment had been broken and he didn't expect them to pick that up again tonight. It was still fairly early and he wondered if she would be going back to the hotel. He should perhaps just ask her but he hesitated when Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled up to him. He didn't want to break this moment of reconciliation. He pulled her close and breathed out slowly. She'd talk to him when she was ready.

...

"I didn't bring anything with me."

Olivia looked up at Elliot. He was watching the documentary that was on television. He'd been very quiet for a while and she knew he was trying to give her space. She needed it. Her mind was completely full and she couldn't deal with anything else tonight. She'd actually like to be alone for a while. She could go back to the hotel or maybe spend the night in her own room at Elliot's. But she didn't bring anything with her, just the clothes she was wearing. She could practically hear Elliot thinking and waited patiently for his response.

"You have a toothbrush here."

She chuckled.

"Okay. How about clothes?"

"I know for a fact that I have a few of your panties in my clean laundry."

"Really?"

Olivia sat up to look at him.

"Yeah, really," Elliot grinned. "Trust me, I'm sure. What else do you need to stay over?"

"Something to sleep in."

Elliot let his eyes roam her body and bit his lip, hesitating briefly but deciding what the hell, he should be able to joke around with her.

"Nah. You don't need that. At least not on my account."

Olivia laughed and swatted his chest.

"Stabler, behave. I'm not sleeping with you anyway."

She had meant she wouldn't sleep in his bed with him but the double meaning of the words didn't escape either of them and Olivia's cheeks turned pink while Elliot clutched his chest and feigned pain at her rejection.

"Sheesh, you know what I mean," she muttered, putting some more distance between them. "Maybe I should just get back to the hotel after all."

Elliot laughed and got up.

"Don't worry, I'm sure I have something here for you. Back in a sec."

He walked to his bedroom and returned quickly with one of his own Yankees t-shirts and Olivia accepted it, setting it on the armrest of the couch.

"You're not gonna try it on?" Elliot asked as he sat down beside her again. She laughed at his cheeky grin.

"You're impossible," she said with a smile. "It's still early."

Elliot sighed.

"Alright. And since you're not sleeping with me, I guess I'm in no hurry to turn in either."

He glanced at her to see if she was still okay with their playful banter and he could tell that she was. She did seem tired though, and he wrapped his arm around her again, scooting down a little in the process, so she could relax on the couch. She pulled her feet up on the couch and closed her eyes while she settled on his chest. Elliot finally relaxed as well. They were going to be okay.

...

Olivia tossed and turned for a while that night, trying to process everything that had happened. She was finding out that little Eli was healing to her. He was too young to know anything about her life and her background. When he looked at her he saw _her_. Only her. Children were without prejudice. They look at the world and the people in it through innocent eyes. Everyone is truly innocent until proven guilty for them. They don't go by what they _think_ they know, but by what they see, hear and experience themselves. It was what they professed to do at the NYPD and in the court room. But how easily were they tempted to believe someone guilty until proven innocent in stead? Her life circumstances had shaped her to distrust people. While fighting to preserve the innocence of the children, she had lost her own innocence and perceived anyone who got too close as a threat.

But not Eli. His innocence was disarming and she was letting him disarm her. She was lowering her defenses to allow him in. To accept his love, because it was without prejudice.

And then there was his father. He knew everything about her, even the things she'd rather forget. And he still loved her. He loved her in spite of everything because he, too, could see _her_. Only her. He got in his own way sometimes. Well, lots of times. But she knew his heart and that he meant well. Before finally drifting off to sleep, Olivia put a hand over the scar on her stomach. It wasn't her. It didn't define her. William Lewis didn't define her. All he had done by branding her was expose himself and he was going to pay, while she would continue to heal.

...

 **July 1, 2013**

They had another relaxed day with Eli. Elliot would have to go to Harlem that afternoon to work and he wanted to call Kathy to ask her what she was doing that day. He thought Olivia could use a break but she told him she and Eli would be just fine. Eli chimed in, saying he would take real good care of Liv and the adults both smiled. After spending some time at another playground, they went grocery shopping and after lunch they played several rounds of 'go fish' at the apartment until Elliot had to leave.

"Daddy, do you have to work tomorrow?" Eli asked his father when he was about to leave.

"No, I don't Eli. Why do you ask?"

"Can we go swimming tomorrow? I already know how to swim," he added, looking up at Olivia who was standing with them at the door.

Elliot looked at Olivia to read her reaction to Eli's suggestion. Would she feel self-conscious if they went swimming together? And would she be up to it after another therapy session? He could tell she was contemplating the idea and hoped she'd give him an indication of what she wanted so he could tell his son yes or no. When he saw the slight nod, he ran his hand through Eli's blonde curly hair and smiled.

"I think we need to check if we all have swim suits but if your mom says it's okay, we can go swimming tomorrow."

Eli was jumping for joy. He'd gone swimming lots of times in California so he was sure his mother would approve. Elliot mouthed to Olivia that he would call Kathy and gave her a peck on the lips. Olivia glanced at Eli but the boy had started packing up their game and wasn't paying attention to them anymore.

"Have fun at work," she told him.

"You have fun too. Behave okay? Both of you," he added with a wink.

After Elliot had texted Olivia that Kathy was okay with them going swimming, Eli and Olivia decided to go out again to get some supplies for their swimming adventure. There was no way Olivia was going to wear a bikini in public. She didn't think she ever would again. She let Eli pick out a few toys and an inflatable dolphin and she bought a kiddy size bathrobe and a set of water wings just in case. Eli had brought his swimming trunks with him to New York - she'd checked his bag - and he waited patiently as she tried on a few bathing suits in a store selling sports outfits. She opted for a simple black one piece suit. It was neutral and functional, not meant to attract any kind of attention. She took a chance and picked up a pair of colorful swim shorts for Elliot as well. She realized she'd never seen him in any kind of shorts, ever. She'd seen him in his underwear once but there had hardly been time to look at him because she had been busy not blowing his cover as a customs agent at the time. She smiled when she realized she was looking forward to checking him out at the pool.

...

When Elliot came home that night a little after eight, Olivia and Eli were lying on the couch together, both fast asleep. The television was still on. Olivia was lying on her side and Eli was in front of her, his back against her chest and her arm tucked securely around him. He checked the kitchen and saw a plate in the microwave. They'd saved his dinner. He warmed up his dinner, making sure to open the microwave before it could ping, and ate quietly while looking at the two people he loved the most in the world, sleeping peacefully on the couch. This was what it truly meant to come home.

...

...

 **A/N: I wanted to get this one out before I'll be off the grid for a few days. As usual, your thoughts are always appreciated and I'll be back soon!**


	45. Forgiveness

45.

Olivia had gone back to the hotel that evening after they put Eli to bed together. There had been no discussion. She wanted to prepare for her session alone and explained to Elliot - with words - that she really wanted to be alone for a while. He shouldn't worry about her. He tried to argue that she could be alone in her room at his place too but she had told him that right now, while Eli was there and she was dealing with a lot of things, she preferred the hotel before her new session. She told him it wouldn't always be like that and he acknowledged that she was still getting better. She'd gone out with Eli and hadn't been jumpy or restless in public at all. It was only to be expected she'd be dead tired afterwards but she was definitely improving.

...

 **July 2, 2013**

The session with Dr. Lindstrom was intense. He let Olivia do most of the talking and was very pleased that she had brought her journal and wanted to read parts of it to him. They went over Kathy's words of wisdom, as Olivia consistently called them, and ended up focusing on the concepts of punishment and forgiveness.

"You've asked yourself in your journal if you've punished yourself, and if so, how and for what. Have you thought of answers to those questions yet since you wrote them down?"

Olivia had thought about the questions over the past few days and she was still thinking about them. Closing herself off to everyone around her might be considered a form of punishment because she had never felt worthy of their affections. She'd started closing herself off as soon as her mother's abuse had started, even before her mother had pointed out to her that the only reason she was alive was the fact that her father was a criminal. She'd put on a brave face and had acted out to at least feel like she mattered. She'd let guys get into her pants but never, ever into her heart. She was certain they would move away once they'd see who she really was. _What_ she really was. A rapist's child.

And when one man did manage to worm his way into her heart, she'd pushed him away and kept him at arms length for years. For his own sake, so she'd told herself. Maybe that was some kind of punishment as well.

"One aspect of the question remains, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said. "For what. What do you think you did to deserve this solitary life that you condemned yourself to?"

Olivia had thought about that too. And she had found the answer in Eli. She'd been an innocent child, just like him.

"Nothing."

When she was young, she had taken the blame. She didn't know any better. Her life had become an apology to the world for taking up space. And she'd fought to at least contribute something good, so she'd be allowed to stay. But now she knew, she had done nothing wrong. In fact, she hadn't had any say in the matter. Her mother had chosen to keep her. All she had done was be alive. She hadn't been the one with the problem, her mother had been. She hadn't been the _cause_ of her mother's pain, just a constant reminder of what had happened to her. Her mother's soul had been crushed and she had never really healed, and she'd taken it out on her.

"I did nothing wrong," Olivia repeated. "My mother blamed me in stead of getting help and she used alcohol to numb the pain. She could have given me up for adoption but she chose to keep me, and blamed me for it afterwards. It's not fair. You can't put that kind of a burden on an innocent child."

Dr. Lindstrom made a few notes in his notebook and gave her a minute to relax. She was still much more emotional than she was comfortable with, but she felt safe enough with her therapist not to hide it completely.

"So. When we first started these sessions, you told me you chose to be a cop to get criminals off the streets, like the one that hurt your mother. To avenge her, so to speak. Would you say it's possible that you are also trying to avenge yourself by standing up for innocent children who get caught up in the problems of the adults around them?"

It was a new way of looking at things and one that stuck with her.

"Possibly."

"And you want to punish the people who are hurting these children and are taking away their innocence."

"Yes."

"Would you like to have seen your mother punished for what she put you through?"

"She's dead."

"And if she were still alive?"

"I think she's punished herself enough. She should have gotten help before it was too late."

"Do you think you can forgive her?"

It was the second theme of their session, that they had picked up from her journal. Forgiveness.

Olivia had seen enough in her life to understand that people who were somehow hurting, would lash out and hurt others as well. She'd learned to rationalize it and accept it as a given. Many of the perps she'd put away came from dysfunctional homes. It didn't make their crimes any less heinous and they deserved to pay for what they had done. This was her opinion as a cop and as an advocate for victims of abuse.

As a daughter, she found that it wasn't as black and white as that. Dr. Lindstrom helped her to see this and to accept it as something that was quite common. It was different when it was about a loved one, and that was okay. While Olivia had vowed never to become that person herself, she could still understand up to a point what had driven her mother to lash out at her. So she decided then and there, that she had forgiven her mother. There was one concern she still had though.

"I understand that people take out their own hurt on others, but I don't want to do that," Olivia said. "I don't want to start lashing out at people now that someone has hurt me." _Again_ , she added in her mind.

"Do you think you are doing that right now?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

She flashed back to that last day, over a month ago.

 _"I know what I want. What about you?"_

 _"I do. I know exactly what I want. I want you dead. I want a bullet in your head."_

 _"That's it."_

 _"I want you in the ground."_

 _"Come on."_

 _"Nobody will miss you. Nobody will mourn you."_

 _"Oh, just do it. Do it right now. Come on, while you're angry just shoot me. Do it. It's gonna feel so good."_

The anger was flaring up again at the memory. He'd taunted her and in the end, she'd done it. She had let all of her anger out. All the hurt that had built up in the 44 years she'd been on this planet. She was trembling and she knew Dr. Lindstrom had no idea what was going through her mind right now. He'd asked her a simple question. Was she lashing out at people because of her own pain? She wasn't right now but she had. She had, in a most horrifying way and she was afraid of what she might do once she'd be back at work, and was confronted with another pervert like Lewis. She has lashed out at him. He'd provoked her until she couldn't control herself anymore and she had unleashed her rage on him. It hadn't just been about those four days. It had been about her life. About the unfairness of it all and about all the victims she'd seen and all the horrendous crimes she'd dissected over the years. About innocence lost and love never found. About her wounded soul.

"Olivia?"

She looked at her therapist and blinked, realizing that she was breathing rapidly and clutching the armrests of the chair she was sitting in.

"Olivia, can you tell me what's happening to you right now?"

He sounded hesitant, almost afraid. She tried to focus on Dr. Lindstrom's eyes. She wasn't scaring him, was she? No. He wasn't afraid. He was worried. But she couldn't tell him. He wanted her to tell him. Elliot wanted her to tell him. But she just couldn't.

"Olivia? Did you just have a flashback?"

She nodded. She wasn't going to tell him what kind of flashback. She was just going to hide behind her trauma.

"Can you think back and tell me what triggered it?"

She shook no, but she knew. All she wanted was to get out of there. She realized she wanted to run back to Elliot, because he knew. He knew and he hadn't judged her. What was it again that he'd said? He had lost control numerous times and she still thought he was a good man. Her breathing was starting to slow down to a more normal tempo. She wasn't a bad person. It wasn't bad blood that had made her lash out and want to hurt another person. It had been her wounded soul. Her soul, that had been kicked around until she'd accepted it as normal. Only it wasn't normal. She needed to heal so she would not lose control like that again. And healing meant she would have to tell him. But she wasn't ready. She needed time to digest the new insights she had just found. Forgiving her mother. Being a wounded soul. Needing healing. Needing other people. Needing Elliot's strength and love, and Eli's innocence. Needing forgiveness.

Dr. Lindstrom had been watching her intently. He must be wondering what was going on inside her head.

"Doctor, I think I need some time to write a few things down before I can continue. Can we just stop now and pick this up next time?"

She was pleased with how calm her voice had sounded.

"Olivia, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but I won't be able to see you this Friday. My office will be closed for a long weekend due to the 4th of July celebrations."

Olivia nodded. Maybe an extended break would be good right now. She just wanted to leave.

"That's fine. I'll see you next Tuesday then," she said quickly while grabbing her journal and getting up.

"What's the rush, Olivia?" Dr. Lindstrom asked, getting up as well and walking with her to his office door.

"No rush, I ... I just need to get home."

"Home?"

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks, her hand already on the door handle. She meant she needed to get away. She wanted to see Elliot. She said she needed to get home. She looked up at her therapist.

"I meant Elliot's. You can write that in your notepad I guess. I'll see you next week, okay?"

"Okay. Until then, Olivia."

...

Elliot was trying to hide the fact that he was anxious to see Olivia again after her session. He didn't want to worry his son but he knew she was working through some heavy stuff. He wondered if she would really be up for an afternoon at a crowded pool. He was relieved when he received a text from her, letting him know she was on her way.

He could tell she wasn't quite herself. She hugged him and Eli, and listened patiently at Eli's happy chattering about what they were going to do at the pool, but he knew her mind wasn't completely in the present. She was quiet on the drive to the swimming pool and when they got there, he waited outside the changing rooms for her with Eli. He wanted to find a quiet spot where she could relax while he kept Eli busy for a while. He managed to secure two sunbeds for them and dropped all their things on one, while indicating for Olivia to lay down on the other one.

"You just relax here for a bit while I race Eli to the slides," he said to her with a wink.

Eli accepted the challenge immediately and both Stablers dashed off before Olivia could reply one way or the other. She was grateful though and smiled as she watched them reach the water slides, seeing how Elliot was letting Eli beat him. Olivia had kept a large beach towel wrapped around herself, but peeled it off now that she was relaxing on the sunbed. She put on her sun glasses and lay back, closing her eyes and trying to block out the noise around her. She'd spent some time at her hotel room before getting ready to leave and had written a few things in her journal.

Her biggest discovery had been that it wasn't bad blood that had made her want to hurt another person. It had been her own hurt that had made her lose control. And that meant that she could overcome it and become more balanced and whole as she'd ever been. This realization filled her with hope.

Another thing she'd realized, as she was practically running out of Dr. Lindstrom's office, was that she had called Elliot's place home. She bit her lip thinking about that but she couldn't deny it. He had become her home. Her safe haven where she could be herself more and more.

Elliot had fun with his son in the water but glanced at the woman on the sunbed regularly. She was wearing a very simple black swimming suit, no doubt not wanting to attract attention to her body. Nevertheless, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. She was just perfect, especially now that she had begun to gain some weight again. She would probably never really know how beautiful she was. When Eli asked him if they could get Olivia in the water too, he was only too happy to join her again.

"Hey guys, looks like you're having lots of fun," Olivia said, propping herself up on her elbows when she saw them coming.

"Yeah," Eli said happily, "but you have to come too Liv."

Olivia's eyes drifted to the boy's father, who was walking up behind him. He was actually wearing the swim shorts she'd bought him and they fit perfectly. She couldn't help staring at his muscular, bronzed thighs as he sat down on the sunbed next to hers, facing her. She looked up quickly when Elliot cleared his throat and she could see amusement in his eyes. If Eli hadn't been there, he would definitely have made a cocky remark. He settled for a smirk and she smiled shyly while focusing on the five-year old in their little group.

"I'd love to come Eli. It's getting pretty warm here in the sun."

Elliot reminded his son that they would need to use sunscreen lotion soon, so they would swim for another half hour and then get dried off and put on the lotion. The all got up again and sprinted towards the deepest part of the pool, and jumped in together. Eli was getting the hang of swimming but they made him use the water wings just to be on the safe side. After splashing around for quite a while and going down the water slide at least five times, Elliot announced that is was time for a break. Eli loved his new bathrobe and enjoyed some potato chips while the adults dried themselves off.

Elliot offered to help Olivia put on the sunscreen and she gave him a warning look. He winked at her with a slight nod in Eli's direction to let her know he wasn't going to do anything silly in front of his child. As much as he was enjoying rubbing the lotion on her warm back and shoulders, he didn't want to do anything that might make her feel uncomfortable. So he just put the lotion on the skin she couldn't reach well herself and kept his hands to himself. But she would need to do his back as well, of course. Olivia smirked when he sat down in front of her on her sunbed, his back turned to her, and scooted closer until he was sitting between her knees.

He was flexing his muscles on purpose while she rubbed the sunscreen lotion on his broad back. She was sure of it. Eli was still munching his chips happily while watching other kids play and Olivia allowed herself to enjoy the feeling of Elliot's skin under her hands. She had always been impressed with his physique and once she had started admitting to herself that she was feeling a physical attraction to her partner, she had often wondered what it would be like with him. She had thought they would be explosive, because their partnership had always been explosive. Circumstances had changed a lot though and they were now going very, very slow. She wondered when she would be ready to take the next step. Move to second base, or maybe even third. She smiled inwardly at the terminology. It was almost as if she was starting over from scratch, just like in high school.

She moved her hands slowly once more from his broad shoulders all the way down to his waist, and moved her hands forward to wrap her arms around him from behind briefly. She felt Elliot put a hand over hers and squeeze gently before releasing her hand again. She moved her hands back to his back and patted his shoulder blades.

"All done, daddy. Now it's Eli's turn."

They both turned towards Eli, who had just finished eating his chips. Elliot patted the spot between them on the sunbed, and Eli hopped over and took his robe off. Elliot squirted some lotion in Olivia's hands and his own, and they started working on the child between them together. Eli shrieked when they tickled him and they all laughed while continuing to cover the boy's fair skin with sunscreen. They were completely in sync once more.

...

...

 **A/N: Suffering from a slight case of writer's block at the moment. I hope this chapter wasn't disappointing! Don't worry, I still know where I'm headed with this.**


	46. Progress

46.

Eli had a great time and was completely exhausted once they decided to head on home. He was asleep within 5 minutes after they got in the car. Elliot carried him up after they got home and put him in his bed. Olivia had also been relaxing in the car and he could tell she was dead on her feet. He suggested they all rest a bit before taking a shower and getting ready for dinner. When Olivia looked at him he wondered what she was thinking. The look in her eyes was partly a question, with a hint of sadness and hesitation.

"What Liv? What is it?"

He walked up to her and rubbed her upper arms with his hands.

"I want to rest but ... not alone."

She'd spoken softly but her words struck him nonetheless. She was being completely honest with him and expressing her need. For him. He pulled her close and leaned his forehead against hers. He swallowed before speaking again.

"As long as you're with me, you never have to be alone."

She smiled and kissed him softly before taking his hand.

"Thank you Elliot. Lead the way."

His heart was pounding in his chest. He wasn't sure what to expect but the way she was opening up to him was both surprising and exciting. He led her to his bedroom, where he handed her the Yankees shirt she'd worn before. He turned around to give her some privacy and took off his jeans. He quickly changed into a clean white t-shirt while Olivia changed as well before they both climbed into bed. Elliot held out his arm and Olivia snuggled up to him on her side, wrapping one arm around his waist. He pulled her close and unconsciously held his breath while waiting for her next movement.

"Elliot."

"Yeah?"

"Breathe."

He blew out the breath he had been holding and laughed.

"You know me too well, Benson."

Olivia lifted her head to kiss his jaw.

"You know me pretty well too, Stabler. So tell me, why do you think I wanted to take a nap with you?"

He smiled and kissed her forehead. He thought about making a joke about having an irresistable body but he decided against it. She was right. He could read her moods well and he did know.

"Because you didn't want to be alone with your thoughts."

"Hmmm," she hummed as she rested her head on his shoulder, and he pulled her even closer.

They lay in silence for a minute before Olivia started to speak again. She told him about her session and the new insights she'd gotten, and Elliot listened without interrupting her. He only chimed in a few times to agree with her. He realized that the way she was sharing her thoughts and feelings with him was more intimate than any physical intimacy could be. He had always felt connected to Olivia in some way, but seeing how they were growing closer in every way made him wonder what he had done to deserve this. He had to be the luckiest man alive. When she finished telling him about her morning he kissed her forehead gently and she lifted her head to look at him. He smiled at her but his breath hitched when he saw a longing in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a very long time. Olivia pushed herself up until she could kiss him on the lips. He returned the kiss immediately and moaned when Olivia moved her body partly over his to get a better angle. He wrapped his other arm, that had been lying between them, around her as well and hoisted her up until she was completely on top of him, her legs resting between his. She broke off the kiss and gazed into his eyes. He could see no fear in hers and he let his hands glide down her back until he reached the swell of her ass. He knew she was only wearing the t-shirt and her underware so he stopped, still looking into her brown eyes.

Olivia dropped her head again and kissed Elliot's jaw before dipping down to the soft skin of his neck. He tasted a little like chlorine but mostly he was all Elliot. She closed her eyes as she leaned on one elbow to keep herself from sliding off him while she continued kissing the side of his neck, moving down to his collarbone. Her other hand made its way from his chest down to his abdomen over his t-shirt before settling around his waist. She knew she was getting him aroused but she felt a need to get closer to him, although she wasn't sure how close. Elliot seemed hesitant and she cursed the man once again who had made them both this insecure. She wanted her fire back and finally get to some of the fantasies that had kept her up at night while they were still partners and he was still off limits. So she kissed Elliot more passionately until he opened his mouth to grant her access. They both moaned and Olivia felt her body respond to the sound he was making and his warm hands on her back. He finally moved his hands further down until he hit the skin of her legs. Her legs were trapped between his and Olivia moved them so his were between hers in stead. Elliot broke off their kiss to look into her eyes. She knew he was asking her what the plan was. She still wasn't sure and dropped her forehead to his shoulder.

Elliot moved his hands up, taking the Yankees shirt with them and waited for Olivia's reaction as he caressed the skin of her lower back. She stayed completely still, her face tucked away in the crook of his neck, but he smiled when he felt goose bumps forming on her skin. He moved one hand further up and felt his stomach clench when he realized she wasn't wearing her bra.

Olivia felt Elliot freeze and knew it was her turn to move. She pulled her legs up a little until she could sit up on her knees and lifted her upper body, placing her hands on either side of Elliot's head and leaning on her outstretched arms. His hands were still on her back and he was holding his breath again.

"El, it's only me," she whispered.

Elliot laughed softly and seemed to relax a little.

"I thought that was my line Liv," he told her.

Her words made him a little bolder though, and he moved his right hand from her back to the front until he reached the side of her left breast. His thumb rested under her breast and it was Olivia's turn to hold her breath.

Was she ready for this? She wanted to be and she closed her eyes, biting her lip as she leaned down again to kiss his lips. Elliot's hand moved with her body and they both shuddered when he moved his thumb up over her erect nipple. She bit his lip softly and he moaned into her mouth as he put his hand over her bare breast and squeezed it gently. She could feel his arousal pressing against her and she pushed her hips into him as their tongues found each other again. Elliot's other hand was moving down until he cupped her ass and he was pulling her into him as well. She wished she would just stop thinking and enjoy it. She'd never been shy in the bedroom and she felt completely safe with Elliot. She pushed herself up a little to look into his eyes. She could see a hunger there as he continued to massage her breast. She didn't want to be afraid.

Elliot could tell she was struggling. His heart was practically bursting out of his chest now that he was actually feeling her full, soft breast. He never wanted to let go but he knew he had to. She needed to breathe. So he moved his hand away slowly, almost reluctantly, until it was resting on her ribcage below her breast. He could feel some scarred tissue under his fingertips and his eyes probed hers for a reaction. It was immediate. She pulled back, sitting up on her knees, and straightened her t-shirt.

The instant she could feel him touching her scars, and registering touching them, the moment had been broken. She wasn't ready. Not for him to see all of her. There was pain in his eyes and she closed hers. She felt Elliot sit up and wrap his arms around her waist.

"I'm so sorry Liv," he whispered, kissing her cheek softly. What was he apologizing for?

"No," she said, "I should be sorry for stopping. _I'm_ sorry Elliot."

But Elliot would have none of it. He tried to assure her there was no reason for her to be sorry. He was sorry for her, that it was so difficult for her to deal with her assault and the scars. He wanted her to know that he would never look at her any differently because of some physical imperfections and once she was ready to accept them herself, she wouldn't have to worry about him. Olivia was grateful for his understanding. He always knew exactly what to say and she understood once more why so many victims had trusted him over the years. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him again.

He pulled her close and moaned when she rocked into him once more. She was still straddling him and his hands drifted across her body again until he cupped both her breasts over her t-shirt. When she didn't stop him, he relaxed and massaged her breasts gently while she pushed him back down on his back, never breaking their kiss. Her soft moans were having an effect on his body too and when she slipped one leg over his to move to the side, he groaned at the contact with her hipbone. She was smiling against his lips and let one of her hands drift from his neck across his chest all the way down to the growing bulge in his boxer shorts.

She knew she wasn't going to be able to finish what they had started but the need to feel more of him was just too great. She didn't want to tease him and she knew she was being selfish. But he was feeling her up as well and it felt so good. She felt desirable and the lust in Elliot's eyes made her feel like she was still beautiful. He was keeping his hands on the outside of her clothes and she would do the same. She would need to change her panties after this groping session though. She kissed Elliot hard and pushed her hips into his legs once more before slipping off him completely and settling against his side. They had officially reached second base.

...

He needed time to calm down. Olivia was relaxing against him and he'd put an arm around her again. His body was still pumping though. He couldn't forget the feeling of her bare breast in his hand. He wanted to kiss it and suck it and ... he was making himself crazy with want. But Olivia wasn't ready for him to see her body. He needed to accept that. He did, actually. His body just wasn't agreeing with him yet. When Olivia's breathing started to even out, he took a few deep breaths and willed himself to think about something else. His son was in the next room and might wake up any moment. _Down boy_ , he instructed his body and after a while he too was able to relax and doze off.

A while later Eli woke them up and they all took a shower. Olivia heard the men having fun together while she showered in her private bathroom. When they were all cleaned up, Elliot ordered pizza's and they had a relaxing evening with Eli. Kathy called to ask if she could pick Eli up the next morning to spend the day with him and after ending the call with Kathy, Elliot turned to look at Olivia, who was sitting next to him on the couch.

"Are you staying?"

Olivia hesitated. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be there early in the morning if Kathy was coming. It still felt somewhat uncomfortable, even if Kathy seemed to be more than okay with her being with her husband.

"You told me yourself that she's okay with us," Elliot reminded her.

"Yeah, I know. It's just ..."

"You even have a separate room, it's not like we're ..."

Elliot wanted to bite his tongue. It was disturbing enough for her not to be able to be intimate with him yet. He didn't need to rub it in. Olivia had taken a deep breath and didn't look at him. He scooted closer to her and put an arm around her.

"Liv, you know I didn't mean anything by that. I'm sorry for being such an insensitive jerk."

That made her chuckle and she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"It's okay. It's good to say things out loud. Makes it less awkward. Besides, you're right. I'm not sleeping with her husband. Yet."

He smirked at her addition.

"We'll get there Liv. I would say I can't wait, but I guess I have no choice there, huh?"

She smiled a sad smile and curled into him a little more.

"I wish we could have done it years ago. I just don't feel like myself anymore. I used to be so confident."

Elliot wrapped his other arm around her as well and let his hand glide from her arm up to her shoulder, and then very slowly back down her chest.

"Look at me Liv," he whispered as his hand stopped moving. She looked up to meet his loving gaze.

"This is progress, right?"

He moved his hand over her full breast and squeezed it gently while he kissed the soft skin behind her ear. She felt butterflies in her stomach, and all sorts of other sensations in different places in her body.

"Yeah," she sighed. "But it's frustrating too."

"That can be fixed."

Olivia pulled away and looked into his eyes, slightly shocked.

"What do you mean?"

"You can always finish the job yourself."

Olivia jumped up, but couldn't help laughing.

"Oh my God, I'm not having this conversation with you!" she exclaimed. "I think I should get back to the hotel right away."

Elliot grinned and stood up as well, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Oh, you just want to do it in the privacy of your hotel room. I get it."

She laughed again and it was music to his ears. He loved to make her laugh and making sexy jokes seemed to work. He wanted it to be something they could have fun about, not get stressed out over. It seemed to be working because Olivia put some extra sway in her hips after she'd untangled herself from his embrace to go to the bathroom. She glanced at him over her shoulder seductively and he laughed with her. They'd get there and they would have fun every step of the way.

...

...

 **A/N: I wanted to give our happy couple some sexy time. Next chapter will hold some more content, I promise.**  
 **If you can't wait for the smutty stuff, feel free to check out my new M rated story Rescue Me. It starts off hot and steamy and will have a similar finish and not so many chapters.**  
 **More on this story soon.**


	47. Moving in

**Now that I have finished my other little story Rescue Me, I will be working on this one alone until it is finished. I hope this is still interesting despite the slow pace!**

...

47.

Olivia didn't freak out when she saw the blood this time. She hadn't been this regular in at least two years and she decided it was a good sign. Her body was calming down. Olivia noticed she was relaxing more now. She wouldn't have to wonder if she was ready to go any further with Elliot for at least six days. She grinned at her reflection in the mirror when she washed her hands. She might as well stay over now.

Elliot made a face when she told him but they laughed it off. He was just happy she was staying and told her he wasn't expecting anything from her. No pressure. With a wink he added,

"At least we know everything is still functioning properly."

She had had that thought too. Maybe it wasn't too late ...

...

 **July 3, 2011**

Kathy picked Eli up at 9 AM the next morning. She greeted Olivia with a smile. Olivia had made sure she was fully dressed and wearing makeup before Kathy arrived. She definitely didn't want to look like she had just gotten out of bed. Elliot asked Kathy when Eli would be back, and Kathy said she wasn't sure. They might spend the night at Maureen's. She would call as soon as she knew for sure one way or the other, and they said their goodbyes. Elliot had hoped Eli would be with them during the 4th of July festivities, but he knew Kathy had just as much right to spend that day with him as he did.

Olivia could see that he was struggling though and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. He smiled at her but there was still sadness in his eyes. He must be thinking about when Eli would go back to California. She could tell he was trying to shake it off when they went out for their morning run. They went to the hotel first so she could change into her running outfit and she looked around the room while they were there. She was there less and less.

While they were running, they were both deep in thought. They ran much further than they had so far, and Olivia didn't notice until they were back at the hotel. The muscles in her legs were burning and she was completely out of breath. She would need to sit down for a bit before heading back out. She looked around the room again and decided it had served its purpose. She really didn't want to be here during the upcoming celebrations and her room at Elliot's was a perfect room to have some alone time if she really needed it. Elliot was sitting across from her by the window and she looked at him. He was sitting with his eyes closed and his hands clasped together on his stomach, his legs stretched out in front of him with his ankles crossed. He was relaxed. Now was as good a time as any.

"Hey El."

"Hmmm?"

He opened his eyes slowly and looked at her.

"I was thinking. While we're here ... you wanna help me pack up all my stuff and move it to your place?"

His eyes popped open wider and he sat up, reaching for her knee.

"Really?"

He sounded so happy and she laughed out loud.

"Yeah. Really. If that's still okay with you?"

Elliot jumped up and pulled her to her feet so he could lift her from the ground.

"Okay? That's more than okay!" he exclaimed, turning them both around before putting her down again.

After she had assured him that she really was sure, they packed up all of her things and checked out at the front desk. Olivia sent a quick text to Cragen, letting him know she wouldn't be using the hotel room any more and giving him her new address. When all her stuff was in the car and they had gotten in too, Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand before starting the car. She was actually moving in with him. Well, sort of. No more discussions about whether she was going to stay or not. He felt giddy and smiled all the way back to his place. Their place. Home.

...

He had to go to work that afternoon, and Olivia would join him later for their own workout and her first self-defense class. Working with the overweight class was very gratifying, even if it was only a few hours a week. The kids were already starting to trust him, and it made him feel like he was making a difference again. After their workout they had a late dinner at a small Italian restaurant. Elliot had a missed call from Kathy and called her back while they were still at the restaurant.

Olivia only heard one side of the conversation but she could read exactly what Kathy was saying on Elliot's face. Eli was staying with her at Maureen's and they were going to spend the 4th of July together. She knew he was disappointed. This was the most difficult part of their divorce. It took some effort for her to shake off the feeling of guilt that was creeping into her thoughts. The couple had agreed that they weren't making each other happy anymore. They had stayed together for so long out of obligation and it was a friendly divorce. It wasn't just because of her. Still, Eli would suffer because of his parents' choices. And Elliot was suffering as well. As he finished the call, Olivia put a hand on his arm. He put his phone away and forced a smile.

"I'll have to get used to it, so why not start right away," he said, patting her hand with his.

"Maybe," she replied. "But you don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt."

He leaned over to her and kissed her softly on the lips.

"Thank you Liv," he said, blinking away a few tears. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

They finished up and went home. Olivia hadn't unpacked all of her clothes yet, and wanted to do that before going to bed. It felt strange but good to fill up the large closet with her own things. She was beginning to miss the clothes that were still in her apartment and made a mental note to plan a day of shopping soon. She only had two dresses and one pair of shorts at Elliot's and summer was really starting to hit the city. She was just about finished when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in El, you don't have to knock."

Elliot smiled as he came in and looked around at what she'd done.

"Almost finished," Olivia told him. "The bathroom too."

He checked the bathroom while she finished up in the bedroom and asked her if she was up for a nightcap before bed. It had been a busy day and Elliot was looking forward to going out with her the next day and enjoy some of the festivities in the city, so he wanted her to get a good night's sleep. They had one drink and discussed their plans for the next day. Elliot had been looking into family activities but since it would be just the two of them, he hoped they would have a quiet day so Olivia wouldn't be too tired to go see the fireworks in the evening. They agreed to sleep in, go for a quick run and then go to Central Park after lunch. It shouldn't be too crowded there and with temperatures in the eighties they didn't want to be caught up in hordes of celebrating people.

Fin called Olivia to ask her how she was doing, and after catching up a bit, she asked him what the squad would be doing by way of celebration. Fin told her they had all been invited to one of the rooftop parties with a great view of the fireworks. She asked him if he thought she and Elliot could come, and Fin said that shouldn't be a problem. He would make sure their names were on the guest list. When she wanted to end the call, Fin stopped her.

"Hey Liv."

"Yeah?"

"Good to know you're up to this stuff again. We all miss you girl."

Olivia smiled. She missed them too and was actually looking forward to seeing her friends again. Elliot was a bit concerned though. He had wanted to go see the fireworks with her, but he worried that a party with many familiar faces might be too much too soon. Olivia grinned and told him,

"That's why I'm bringing you. So you can take care of me."

"Oh, don't worry, I will," he assured her.

...

 **July 4, 2013**

Olivia had a relatively good night, with only one really disturbing dream. Her dreams had changed over time and they were still changing. While in the beginning she had mostly felt threatened herself, and very much out of control, now her loved ones would be the ones in danger while she would still be powerless to help them. She would wake up disoriented but she hadn't woken up screaming or in a cold sweat for over a week now. She was finally beginning to feel rested again and was actually looking forward to the party that evening.

Elliot made sure she wasn't overexerting herself though and they had a leisurely afternoon in Central Park. They had found a nice spot to sit and watch the other people that were hanging out in the park on this particularly warm day. Olivia was wearing her only pair of shorts and asked if Elliot was up for a little shopping for an extra pair, and maybe a nice dress for the party that evening. He agreed, knowing it would be important to her to look beautiful tonight. It would be her first real public appearance since the assault. The bigger stores were very crowded because of special 4th of July sales, but they found a few smaller boutiques that were quieter.

While Elliot thought Olivia looked beautiful in anything, he was impressed with the white summer dress she had chosen for the party. The owner of the small boutique called it her Lara Croft dress, because it was very similar to the dress Angelina Jolie wore in the final scene of her first Tomb Raider movie. The broad straps left Olivia's shoulders bare and while the top was tight across her chest, and covered all her little scars, the dress fell down loosely from the waist down, ending a few inches below the knee. Elliot wondered if the buttons down the front of the entire dress were all real or just for show. He wouldn't mind peeling the dress off her after the party and scolded himself for having those thoughts about Olivia again.

Olivia could see that Elliot approved of the dress and smiled at him while looking at herself in the mirror. She did look nice. Only she would need white shoes to go with the dress. Elliot laughed when she told him, but she could tell he was greatly relieved when the lady that was helping them presented her with a pair of white sandals that would just be 'perfect for her'. She agreed.

After taking her new purchases back home, Elliot suggested they relax for a while before heading out again. Olivia helped him pick out a nice outfit for the evening, black pants and a white polo shirt. She said she loved the way his muscular arms looked in that shirt, and he flexed his muscles a few times, making her roll her eyes but laugh out loud as well. He realized once again that they had come a long way already since their partnership had ended.

...

A lot of guests had decided to come early so they could mingle for a while before the fireworks started, so the party was already in full swing when they arrived around eight. Olivia was a little nervous, and couldn't help wondering what people were thinking who glanced at her as they made their way towards the bar on the roof. She was glad they were outside and not in a cramped room.

Elliot noticed that Olivia was tense and guided her to a quieter spot on the roof, offering to get her a drink while she waited there. Olivia thanked him and turned around to lean on the bannister to look out over the city. She had a clear view of the river so the view of the fireworks would no doubt be great.

After a few minutes she looked around to see if Elliot was on his way back, when she heard a man say her name.

"Olivia? I thought that was you."

She turned around to see who it was and was slightly taken aback when she saw a very familiar face, smiling hesitantly at her.

"David."

...


	48. Tension

48.

 _After a few minutes she looked around to see if Elliot was on his way back, when she heard a man say her name._

 _"Olivia? I thought that was you."_

 _She turned around to see who it was and was slightly taken aback when she saw a very familiar face, smiling hesitantly at her._

 _"David."_

David stepped closer and Olivia crossed her arms in front of her.

"I didn't know you were going to be here," she said als calmly as she could manage. She was a little shaken up though, and couldn't really make sense of what she was feeling.

"I could say the same thing to you. I heard about what happened to you Olivia. How are you doing?" David asked with a concerned look in his eyes.

"Getting better," she answered truthfully. "In fact, this is the first time I'm out in public again. It's a little ... uncomfortable, but this party is nice. And you? How have you been? I heard you gave up that job after all."

It was the job he had left her for and maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it. Still, she wondered why David had never contacted her again.

"Yeah ... I ..."

David looked like he'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"I'm sorry Olivia. I wanted to call you but I guess I was a chicken. I mean, I know I hurt you. And then I heard that you were involved with someone else and I lost my nerve completely."

It hadn't become common knowledge for quite a while that she was with Brian, and Olivia couldn't help wondering if maybe David was leaving something out.

Just then, Elliot walked up to them, squinting slightly when he saw her talking to a man he didn't know. Olivia seemed rattled and he walked over quickly. He handed Olivia her drink but keeping his eyes fixed on the man, ready to send him on his way if he was bothering Olivia.

Olivia could have read Elliot's body language with her eyes closed and put a hand on his forearm quickly. She wasn't sure if introducing David wouldn't make things worse, but she hardly had a choice.

"Elliot, this is David Haden. David, this is Elliot Stabler."

Elliot clenched his jaw. David Haden. Olivia's _ex_ , David Haden. Before he could respond, David spoke up, extending his hand.

"Stabler? Olivia's former partner? It's nice to meet you."

He really didn't want to shake the man's hand but he needed to be civil, for Olivia's sake if anything else. So he gave the man a short firm handshake.

"Haden. What brings you to the party?"

Olivia could feel the tension radiating off Elliot's body and she wasn't sure if she should come between the two men or not. She was tense herself, and her fingertips were starting to become tingly. In fact, she was beginning to feel a bit lightheaded. David was answering Elliot's question politely and asked him the same thing. She heard Elliot tell David that he was there with her, making sure she was alright since it was her first party after what had happened to her. Elliot was clearly trying to assess how much David knew about Olivia's ordeal and was making it quite clear that he was with her, and no one else was to come near her.

David looked at Olivia, and she could tell he was wondering about the nature of her relationship with Elliot.

"So, you're together then?" he asked Elliot, but he kept looking at Olivia. "I thought you were married, Elliot Stabler. At least that's what Olivia told me."

"It must have been a while since you two spoke then," Elliot replied, and the sarcasm didn't escape any of them.

"El," Olivia said softly, moving closer to him and wrapping a hand around his wrist.

"Well, when we were together, Olivia told me that there was never anything going on between the two of you. So I will admit I'm a little surprised."

His words were chosen carefully but still, Olivia had not expected David to be so on the offensive. Maybe all men were the same after all, even the well-educated and well-spoken ones.

"If I remember correctly," she interjected, trying to get both men to back off by stepping in, "I told you David, that I don't play 'what if' games but that I look at what is. I still do that."

She could only hope that David was getting the message. She wasn't going to wonder what might have been with him. Things had changed. Her heart was beating very fast though and she took a shaky breath, noticing that she was in fact breathing rather quickly. Her fingers were still tingling and she looked for a place to put down her glass before she would drop it.

Elliot felt Olivia's grip on his wrist tighten and looked at her. She was very pale and he could see in her eyes that she wasn't feeling well. He quickly handed his glass to David and took the glass from her hand. He handed her glass to David as well, who seemed to be catching on.

"Liv? Honey, do you need to sit down?" he asked, trying not to sound too panicked.

She just nodded and Elliot wrapped an arm around her to steady her while David dashed off to grab a chair. When he returned, Elliot set her down carefully on the chair. People were beginning to notice that there was something wrong and Elliot told David to keep them away while he attended to Olivia. She was white as a sheet and trembling. She was taking short, shallow breaths and Elliot realized she was hyperventilating.

"Haden! Paper bag!" he yelled at his unintended helper. David just nodded and grabbed a waiter by the arm to arrange for a paper bag.

"Breathe out slowly Liv. As slow as you can, okay?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I can't," she sighed.

She was panicking. Why was she unable to control her own body? And what had caused this reaction? Surely, she wasn't upset about seeing David again? At least she was sitting now but her surroundings had become a blur. The only sound she was registering was her own heartbeat ringing in her ears. Then there was a bag over her mouth and Elliot's voice. _Just breathe_. That's what she was doing, right? Just breathe. After a minute, the dizziness was beginning to subside as she breathed into the bag, and she could feel Elliot's hand rubbing her back gently. After several minutes she was able to breathe normally again, and pulled the bag away from her face. She looked next to her, where Elliot was sitting, crouched beside her chair.

"Hey," he said softly. "Welcome back."

"What happened?" she asked, still confused but happy to see his blue eyes.

"I'm not sure Liv. You started hyperventilating. Do you want to go home?"

She looked around and spotted David, who was keeping his distance but seemed very worried and was pacing with his hands tucked in his pant pockets.

Elliot followed her line of sight and looked at Haden as well. He couldn't help wondering if she still had feelings for the man, for him to have such a profound effect on her.

"What's wrong with David?" Olivia asked.

Elliot shrugged. He didn't really care.

"I guess he feels guilty for upsetting you," he said.

Olivia stood up and Elliot was by her side immediately.

"What are you doing?" he asked, not sure if she should be standing already.

"Just give me a minute, El," Olivia said, as she walked over to where David was standing.

Elliot looked around and glared at the few people who were still watching them. They turned around quickly and went back to partying, just like most of the other guests had already done earlier. He saw Munch and Fin coming and nodded at them before turning his attention back to Olivia.

"Olivia, I didn't mean to upset you," David started as soon as Olivia came walking his way.

"I don't think you did David," she said. She honestly didn't. "It's just me. Maybe it's too soon for a party. I just wanted to see the fireworks with Elliot."

"So you and he really are an item now?"

"Yeah." Olivia couldn't help it that a wide smile formed on her face. "He came back for me."

David nodded, and gave her a small smile.

"In that case, I'm very happy for you."

"Thank you David."

Elliot walked up to them and stood next to Olivia, wrapping an arm around her waist protectively.

"I guess that's my cue," David joked and Olivia grinned.

"Once again, I'm sorry Olivia. I wish you all the best."

She nodded and watched him walk away, back to the more crowded area of the roof. Elliot looked at her profile as she watched him leave and wondered again about her feelings for Haden. She'd been happy with the man for a while. She had slept with him, even after they broke up. Elliot still didn't get that. And he was jealous. No need to deny it. He was jealous and pissed off. Munch and Fin had joined them and were greeting Olivia, so he let go of her. He found their drinks, that David had set on a ledge earlier, and downed his beer in one go. He looked at Olivia, who seemed to be fine now. Two other people were approaching the little group and he recognized Nick Amaro, Olivia's current partner. The blonde had to be Rollins, the new female detective at SVU Olivia had told him about.

"El."

Olivia was looking at him, smiling.

"Come and meet the gang."

Elliot walked up to them and handed Olivia her drink.

"We've met," he said, shaking Nick's hand, "but who is this young lady?"

Amanda giggled - she actually giggled - and Olivia frowned as she watched the little scene in front of her unfold. Elliot took Amanda's hand and even made a bow as he kissed it, winking at her blonde co-worker.

"Elliot Stabler, at your service miss."

"Stabler?" Amanda drawled, her southern accent enhanced by her alcohol intake of the evening. "Really Benson? This is the famous detective Stabler? How come I haven't seen you around more, hun?"

"Stabler, you have to excuse my partner," Fin interrupted. "She started the party real early this afternoon. And I mean _real_ early."

Elliot laughed and shook hands with Fin and Munch as well, and Munch pulled him into a bear hug. Munch then turned to Olivia and talked with her some more, making sure she was really okay, and Elliot asked Nick,

"You wanna go with me and get all of us another drink?"

Nick agreed and they left the small group behind to get them more drinks. Olivia watched her two partners walk off and smiled. She was blessed to have these men in her life, and Fin and Munch too. They were her little army, and while she had fought her entire career to be seen as one of the boys, she truly valued and appreciated their protectiveness of her. Munch was trying to get her to sit down again but she insisted she was fine now. She had come to see the fireworks so that was what she was going to do. When the men came back with their drinks, she quickly finished her first glass of wine and took the new one Nick was handing her. She glanced at Elliot, who seemed a little distant.

While they went to get the drinks, Nick had asked Elliot casually about Cassidy and Elliot had realized the squad didn't know about the breakup yet. Talking about one of Olivia's former lovers and meeting another one didn't sit well with him. He had never liked it when men were hanging around her, but now he actually had a right to mind. She was his and no one else's. Right now, he wished they hadn't gone to this party.

Someone shouted that it was almost nine o'clock and people were moving towards the side of the building to make sure they would have a good view of the fireworks. Elliot moved to stand behind Olivia and said, loud enough for their group to hear, that the view would be good from anywhere on the roof. He wanted to stay out of the crowd to make sure Olivia wouldn't have another panic attack. When the others moved forward a few yards anyway, he put his hands on Olivia's hips. She looked behind her and he said,

"Let's just stay here, okay?"

She smiled and reached back to put a hand on his cheek by way of thanks. She leaned against his chest and Elliot wrapped his arms around her, covering her arms with his. He kissed her shoulder and she leaned her head against his while they waited for the show to begin. He shouldn't worry. She wasn't going anywhere. She loved him and she just moved into his guest room. He shouldn't worry. Yet he did.

The fireworks started and he could tell Olivia was enjoying the show. She was leaning into him and he tried to just enjoy the moment together. She was here with him. Haden had disappeared into the crowd and Cassidy wasn't even here. He tried not to think too much about the possibility of running into other men Olivia had dated in the past. He knew there had been more but he should try to focus on the present. On what is, as Olivia had put it. Their relationship was going well and she was getting better. She had told him she needed him, and while it had scared her, she had admitted to him that he was the only one she trusted. He shouldn't worry. He shouldn't be jealous. But he was.

Olivia knew Elliot was thinking about something. She was enjoying the show and she thought he was as well, but she could feel that his body was a little tense. She knew he had a jealous streak but he couldn't seriously be jealous of David, could he? They would have to talk about it later, at home. She smiled. Home. She felt at home with Elliot, in his arms. Surely, he knew that?

...

After the fireworks, they stayed a little while longer. Elliot wanted to take Olivia home though. She seemed relaxed now but he didn't want her to overdo things. Just when he wanted to suggest to her that they leave, his phone buzzed. It was a text from Kathy, asking him if he could pick Eli up at Maureen's, because she would be out the rest of the evening. He checked his watch. It was almost 10 and Eli would most likely be asleep. Why would she ask him to pick him up now? He excused himself from their little group and called Maureen.

Olivia watched Elliot walk off with his phone and wondered what was going on. Before she could follow him, Amanda grabbed her elbow and she looked at the blonde. She guessed Amanda was holding on to her to steady herself, since she was clearly tipsy, but she had a question for her as well.

"Hey Benson, what happened with Cassidy? You not seeing him anymore?"

Olivia hesitated. What should she tell her co-workers? The men were glancing her way as well so she assumed they all wanted to know.

"Brian ... he turned out to be a disappointment," she said sadly. "He isn't very good with victims."

"That's too bad," Amanda said. "But you're not a real victim, are you? You're a cop."

Olivia forced a smile, understanding that Amanda shouldn't be held accountable for her actions or her words right now. A cop could be a victim, too.

"Well, call me a survivor then," Olivia offered, but she wondered if Amanda had even registered her reply.

Amanda pointed at Elliot with her thumb and said with a grin,

"I think you traded up though."

She looked at Elliot again. He was on the phone with someone and didn't seem pleased. She smiled at Amanda and told her she should check what he was up to.

"Sure sure, don't let the hunk get away," Amanda agreed, waving at her to go to Elliot.

Fin grinned at Olivia and put a hand on Amanda's shoulder.

"I think I should take you home, partner," he told the blonde.

Olivia smiled at Fin and then walked over to Elliot, who was just ending his call.

"Liv, do you mind if we leave here now? I have to pick Eli up at Maureen's," he told her as soon as she walked up.

"At this hour? Is something wrong?"

Elliot shrugged.

"Maureen tells me that Kathy is out with a friend from California, and she said she'd be out late and would just go back to Kathleen's afterwards so she wouldn't disturb them. Asked if I could pick up Eli because Maureen and Steven have plans tomorrow."

Olivia raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. She had missed Eli but she thought it was a bit strange to go pick him up this late in the evening.

"Yeah, I'm not sure what Kathy is up to," Elliot said, responding to the look on her face. "But I do want to go and get Eli. You understand, right? I can take you home first?"

Olivia agreed. Of course she understood that he wanted to pick up Eli. She also didn't mind going home. She was a bit tired. She had hoped they could talk when they got home but it would have to wait.

...

...

 **A/N: Hmmm. The green-eyed monster is rearing it's ugly head. What happened with Olivia exactly, and why? And what could Kathy be up to? Stay tuned for more and feel free to leave a comment in the box below. Reviews motivate me to keep going ;)**


	49. Butterfly

49.

Elliot had been quiet on the ride home and had dropped Olivia off, saying he'd be back soon but if she wanted to go to sleep, she shouldn't wait up. Olivia had decided to take a quick shower and changed into one of her new nightgowns and her robe. She put on her warm slippers as well and waited on the couch for a while, watching a news channel. She was very tired though. She still didn't understand why she had panicked on the roof. In retrospect, seeing David hadn't been such a big deal. She realized she had started to become restless when Elliot had joined them. They would need to talk about that.

She walked into her bedroom to get her journal, that she had put under her pillow. She sat down on the bed and wrote down a few short notes about her day and about meeting David and her squad. Maybe it had all just been too much at once. But as she wrote it down, she knew there was one thing that she would have to discuss with Elliot. She kicked off her slippers and slipped under the covers. She would just rest on the bed for a few minutes and then go back to the living room to wait for Eli and Elliot.

...

It was almost 11 PM when Elliot pulled up in front of Maureen and Steven's house. Steven opened the door before he could knock, telling him softly that Maureen and Josey were already asleep. Elliot asked his son-in-law if he knew why Kathy had arranged things like she had, but Steven didn't know. He only knew she was meeting a friend who had flown in from California, and Maureen had wondered if maybe she had a date. That was a new thought and Elliot had a hard time picturing his wife out on a date. She hadn't mentioned anything about seeing someone but he would definitely ask her. They still hadn't discussed making their divorce official and Kathy would be going back to California on Saturday or Sunday. He wanted to talk to her about it before she left.

Eli was sleeping peacefully when his father walked into the small guest room. He almost managed to get the boy into his car without waking him, but just as he strapped him into his seat, Eli opened his eyes.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah Eli. Daddy's here. I'm taking you home to my place."

"To my own room?" Eli asked hopefully and it warmed his father's heart.

"Yeah buddy, to your own room."

"I like my own room," Eli sighed as his eyes closed again.

Elliot placed a small kiss on his son's cheek and smiled. He wished Eli could just stay with him forever. He closed the car door carefully and said goodbye to Steven. As he drove off, his mind drifted to Olivia again. He hoped she would still be awake when they got home.

She wasn't. Elliot carried Eli to his room and tucked him in. Eli never woke up and he was glad his son was back home with him. The television was still on and he guessed Olivia had tried to stay awake. He found her asleep in her room, still wearing her robe. Her lights were still on and her journal was open on the bed. He was tempted to read what she had written. He knew he shouldn't but the journal was right there, out in the open. In plain view, as they would call it on the job. He stood there, debating what to do. His eyes drifted to the handwriting on the page and back to her face. She was sleeping soundly. She trusted him. He shouldn't betray her trust by reading her journal. They were just learning to communicate better and putting things into words. He should let her tell him about what happened at the party and not try to find the information himself.

He could make out David's name in her notes. And his name too. EL, in capitals. He squinted, trying to make out more words without actually leaning over Olivia. _July 4. First party After. Saw the squad and David. Is EL jealous? Can't deal with that. No energy to defend myself. Shouldn't have to. Tension led to hyperventilation. Can't loose EL. Want to go back to work but not like this. Need solid ground. Can't panic on the job. We need to talk._

Elliot turned around quickly and left Olivia's room. He was trembling and felt very ashamed. Ashamed because he had read her journal and ashamed because _he_ had been the cause of her panic. Not David Haden. _Him_. His jealousy had gotten the better of him and Olivia could still read him like a book. He had always been possessive and he would have to get over himself. For her. She needed him but not his jealousy. He sat down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. Everything he ever wanted was right here, within reach. He didn't want to wreck it. Olivia had shown him more of herself than she had ever shown anyone before. She trusted him implicitly and he should never have doubted her. The entry in her journal had not been about any leftover feelings for David. It had been about him, and the way his jealousy had affected her. He should apologize to her, right now. But she was sleeping. It wasn't about him. She needed to rest, so he would have to wait. _Get over yourself Stabler_.

...

When Olivia woke up, it was still dark. The lights in her room had been dimmed and she wondered what time it was. She'd had the weirdest dream about the party. She had been dancing with Munch and it was fun, but she couldn't find Elliot anywhere. When she went to look for him, she ran into David in stead. She kept looking for Elliot but was stopped by a very drunk Amanda who had pointed out to her that the fireworks had already started. She started to panic that she couldn't find Elliot and that's when she had woken up. It hadn't been a real nightmare but it had been strange. She got up and walked to Eli's room to see if he'd gotten home safely. Moonlight was coming in through the window and she could see that the little blonde boy was asleep. She walked up to his bed to look at him. She loved him, very much. She had been the first person to hold him after he was born in the ambulance and she'd felt a special connection to the child ever since. He might be the closest she'd ever come to having a child and she wished Eli could just stay with them forever.

She heard rustling behind her and turned around.

"Liv? What are you doing here?" Elliot whispered.

She walked into the hallway and closed Eli's door carefully before answering him. She couldn't see him in the dark and they spoke softly.

"Just checking on Eli. What time is it?"

"2 AM."

"Wow. When did you get home?"

"About 11.45. You were already asleep."

"I'm sorry."

"That's okay. I told you, you didn't have to wait up."

"I tried El. But why are you up at 2 AM?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Why not?"

She heard him sigh and reached for him in the dark until her hands found his bare chest, and she stepped closer to him.

"El? What's wrong?"

She felt him wrap his arms around her waist and she returned his embrace. He sighed again and he was beginning to worry her.

"El, talk to me," she whispered.

She sounded a little desperate and Elliot snapped out of his state of self-pity. He was upsetting her again. He needed to man up.

"Okay," he whispered. "But not here."

"Let's got to my room so we won't disturb Eli," she suggested, and they walked into her room. He closed the door behind him and looked at Olivia, who was just noticing her journal, that was still open on her bed. She picked it up and closed it, putting it under her pillow again, and she put the pen on her nightstand. Elliot reached out his hand and she took it as they sat down on her bed.

"Liv, I need to apologize to you for my behavior at the party," Elliot blurted out right away.

She seemed a little confused and frowned before looking at him.

"What behavior El? You helped me."

He looked down at their intertwined hands in her lap and shook his head.

"It shouldn't have been necessary Liv. I was the one who upset you in the first place."

"I'm not sure if that's true El. My hormones are messing with me and it was my first party after my ... well, After. Maybe it was just too soon."

Even now, she was trying to reassure him. It should be the other way around.

"No Liv. I was acting like a jealous ass and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

When Olivia didn't say anything he looked at her. She was looking down at their hands as well and he wondered what she was thinking. He reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear with his free hand, so he could see her face. Was that a tear in her eye?

"Liv, look at me, please," he whispered.

She blinked a few times but the tear trickled down her cheek anyway. She wiped it away quickly before looking at him but she knew he'd already seen it.

"Elliot, there is nothing to be jealous of. Don't you trust me?"

He loathed himself at that moment. He needed to make this right. It wasn't her. It was him.

"Of course I trust _you_ Liv," he choked out, turning towards her and taking both of her hands in his. "I just don't trust _them_. The men who hang around you. But that's _my_ problem, Liv, I know that. It's not you. It's me. I just get too damn possessive and I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed. She knew he meant it but she also knew his possessiveness wasn't going to go away overnight.

"El, you will need to trust me to deal with other men, okay? I've never had any trouble getting rid of them. I'm with _you_ now and I plan on staying. I _need_ you Elliot ..."

Her voice broke and Elliot knew how difficult it still was for her to admit that she needed someone else. He put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her gently.

"I don't want anyone else," she sighed, "but you don't _own_ me Elliot. You understand the difference, right?"

He swallowed and kissed her softly again. He did. He understood. She was with him because she wanted to be with him. He shouldn't need to write his name on her, like that beast had tried to do. He didn't need to prove to the world, or to himself that she was his. Other men could look at her. Maybe they had even touched her in the past. But looking was all they were ever going to do now, because she was his. Not his property, but his to love and to cherish. And he was hers and he would be the solid ground she needed. He wanted to be, and he would do everything in his power not to let her down again. He could see in her eyes that she had already forgiven him. Maybe he didn't deserve it but love truly covered a multitude of sins and he was grateful. Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face in the crook of his neck.

Elliot held her close for a while and when he suggested they get some sleep, she asked him to stay. He gladly did. Olivia let her robe drop to the floor and snuggled up to him, enjoying his strong, warm body as he wrapped an arm around her. She started drawing patterns on his chest and Elliot reveled in her touch and her attention. After a few minutes she spoke again.

"You are so lucky I'm not back to my old self yet, Stabler."

Elliot chuckled.

"I guess I am," he admitted. "The old you would have kicked me to the curb in a heartbeat."

Olivia turned her head to place a small kiss on his chest.

"Maybe I don't want to be my old self anymore."

Elliot pulled her closer to him and rubbed her forehead with his cheek.

"I think you're becoming your new self."

"Maybe I am," Olivia mused. "I hope you'll be able to love my new self."

"As long as it's the _real_ you, I will always love you."

There was a finality to his words that surprised even him. But it was the truth. Olivia would learn from her experiences and would come out stronger. A new person. The _real_ Olivia. And he would have the privilege to see her cocoon hatch and watch her turn into the most beautiful butterfly. He wasn't a well-educated man but he knew about butterflies. Butterflies were beautiful but they were delicate and should never be trapped. When you catch a butterfly and try to hold on to her, you will damage her. Butterflies should always be held with open hands. So that was what he would have to learn to do.

...


	50. Not sure

**I wasn't entirely sure about this chapter. I'm not purposefully trying to drag things out but I have a clear order in my head in which I want things to happen so here it is. Some feedback would be appreciated - Can't believe we're at chapter 50 already!**

...

50.

 **July 5, 2013**

Eli was full of energy and was happy to be back with daddy and Liv. He demanded a lot of attention and Elliot didn't find time to call Kathy until late in the afternoon, when Olivia went out for some groceries with Eli. Kathy didn't sound surprised to hear from him and started apologizing immediately for texting him that late the night before. She hoped she hadn't disrupted his evening too much. He assured her it was fine but he did ask about this friend that had come all the way across the country to celebrate the 4th of July with her. Kathy brushed it off quickly, saying that he wouldn't know them but would probably meet them some day and began discussing her plans to go back to Santa Cruz the next day. She had agreed to leave Eli with him for another week and they went over the dates and how to arrange things.

Elliot agreed that he would fly out to California on the 14th to take Eli back to Santa Cruz and he would stay there for two nights before flying back. Kathy told him the spare bedroom was still his to use but he hesitated.

"Elliot, I don't have a friend in need staying over, so please just use the room," Kathy insisted. "It's not an imposition at all and it's not like you're a stranger."

She was right. He just hoped things wouldn't become awkward now that he was moving forward with Olivia. He would have to address the divorce and now seemed as good a time as any.

"You're right Kathy. But we are splitting up. Have you given any thought to making that official?"

"Oh, yes. I've been meaning to tell you," Kathy answered. "I already asked an attorney in Santa Cruz to draw up the papers. They should be ready any day now. Maybe you can sign them while you're there, and we can start working out an arrangement for Eli too."

He was surprised to learn that she was already a few steps ahead of him and he needed some time to process it. So he just said they'd talk about it then, and after agreeing she would come over to say goodbye the next morning, he ended the call. Kathy seemed to be moving on so easily now, that is was almost unsettling. Maybe she _had_ been out on a date last night. Elliot still wasn't completely sure how he felt about that. He was still thinking it over when Olivia and Eli got back, and his son, who was carrying a small bag of groceries, announced that he would be making dinner that night.

Elliot's eyebrows shot up in surprise and he looked at Olivia, who came in smiling behind Eli and was carrying the larger shopping bag. He took the bag from her and set it on the kitchen counter. Olivia stood next to him and assured him softly that she would be monitoring Eli. The five-year old was convinced he could do it though and told his father to go grab a beer and relax on the couch. Both adults laughed heartily at that and Eli just shrugged and started taking the ingredients for dinner out of the bags.

...

After enjoying Eli's mac and cheese with chopped up cucumber and tomatoes on the side, they all had a bowl of ice cream on the couch, Eli sitting between the two adults. Then Elliot told his son that his mom would be going back to California the next day, but that he could stay another week. Eli was elated and when Elliot asked him if he wouldn't miss his mom, the boy just shrugged, which seemed to be his new habit these days.

"I'm a big boy. I don't need my mommy every day. I'll see her again next week. And I get to stay with my daddy and Liv."

Olivia pulled him close and hugged him until he started to squirm.

"Liv, I said I'm a big boy!" he protested. "I don't need hugs all the time."

Olivia smiled and released the boy.

"But Eli," she said as he jumped off the couch, "maybe I need hugs sometimes. Is that okay?"

Eli contemplated her words briefly and then stepped close to her again.

"Okay, you can have one more then," he told her and he stretched out his arms to hug her again.

Olivia laughed and scooped him up to give him a crushing hug and Eli shrieked when she started tickling him after setting him down on the couch between her and Elliot. Elliot joined in and they all ended up in a pile on the floor laughing. Elliot decided they should stop before one of them threw up. Which would most likely be Eli. After they managed to calm him down, Eli insisted that Olivia read him his bedtime stories, and she happily obliged him.

...

Kathy came by to say goodbye to her son the next morning, and the week they had left with the little man just flew by after that.

They went swimming again, and finally took him to Coney Island as promised. They fell into a new rhythm and Olivia noticed how she was beginning to look forward to their evenings. After Eli had gone to bed, she would just sit or lay on the couch with Elliot. Sometimes they would talk, sometimes they would watch TV and sometimes they would just be together and not talk at all. It was their time together. She had had another therapy session on Tuesday and had decided that once a week would be enough now. It felt right to put into practice what she was learning in stead of just talking about it. Dr. Lindstrom had tried to get back to where she'd broken off the previous session but she still wasn't ready to talk about what she'd done. They had discussed in general how people tend to take out their frustrations on others but not specifically about how she did that or might do it.

Elliot's jealousy had also come up and had given them enough to talk about. She knew he would still have trouble with men getting too close to her and with men who used to be close to her, but they'd deal with it as it came up. Putting their thoughts into words still remained key. Meanwhile, she enjoyed living as a family. Well, almost. She was still staying in the guest room.

...

 **July 13, 2013**

The last night before Elliot had to go to California, Olivia wanted to be close to him. She dreaded the moment he and Eli would leave. She wasn't used to being alone anymore. It was ironic in a way. She'd been alone her whole life and now she was worried how she would do without Elliot for three days. He was leaving early on Sunday and wouldn't be back until late the following Tuesday. Maybe it would be a good test for her, but while she had set out to become as strong and independent as she used to be, she noticed that she really didn't _want_ to do everything on her own anymore. It's not that she wouldn't be able to do it if she had to, she just didn't have to. She would need to find a new balance there, but just seeing herself leaning more towards such a balance than to needing to do it all herself, was quite a surprise. She really was becoming a new person. And that new person didn't want to sleep alone tonight. All she had to do was say it, out loud. They had slept in each others' arms before so it shouldn't be a big deal. Only it was this time. There was no nightmare or argument or panic attack to warrant it this time, only her desire, her need for closeness. And that made it a big deal, to her.

Elliot had taken his time getting Eli to bed. Eli had mixed emotions about going back to Santa Cruz. He wanted to see his mother again, and his best friend Sam, but he didn't want to miss his father again, and Olivia. He had made new friends in New York too, in the playground closest to Elliot's apartment. it broke Elliot's heart that his little boy was already torn between the two sides of the country. He hadn't wanted to uproot his son right away so he hadn't discussed the custody arrangements with Kathy yet, but it looked like Eli had roots in both cities already. When he came back into the living room, he was still mulling it over. He wanted to do what was best for his son, but what was that?

Olivia smiled when he came in but when she saw his frowning face, she asked him if everything was okay. He told her no, not everything.

"Then what, Elliot? Come, sit with me."

He sat down next to her and Olivia put a hand on his back.

"Is this about Eli?"

Elliot nodded.

"There's just no right way to do this Liv," he sighed. "Every option is wrong. I'm cutting my son in half and it's killing me."

Olivia wondered if she should be worried, now that he was going back to Santa Cruz. She tried to convince herself that there was no need but Elliot seemed to pick up on her thoughts. He grabbed her hand and looked into her worried eyes.

"Liv, don't even think it."

The look in her eyes changed from worry to surprise.

"I wasn't ..."

"Yes, you were. Don't. That's not the answer."

"Are you sure?"

Elliot couldn't believe she was serious, but he could tell that she was. Did she really think he would go back to Kathy now, after everything they'd been through?

"Yes, I'm sure," he said firmly. "We'd all be miserable. Besides, I have a feeling that Kathy has started dating so she's moving on as well."

"Dating?"

Olivia was genuinely surprised. Then it dawned on her.

"So _that's_ why you had to pick Eli up late at night last week."

"Yeah. Steven said she was out with a 'friend' who had flown in from California to meet her. How 'bout that, huh?"

"Wow ..."

Olivia looked at Elliot's profile. He was still deep in thought. Her worry that the spouses might get back together once again for Eli's sake was starting to fade, but Elliot might still want to move again, to be close to his son. Would she be willing to go with him? Or have a part-time relationship with him? Then she remembered something.

"Hey El, when you first moved back here, weren't you supposed to be here 50 percent of the time, and in Santa Cruz the other 50 percent? What happened to those plans?"

Elliot grinned and looked at her. His eyes already told her before he answered.

"You Liv. You happened."

He grabbed her hand and held it up to his lips to kiss it.

"But don't you dare feel guilty about that, okay? It's not your fault that I love you and you can't make me un-love you."

That made her smile and they settled on the couch more comfortably, putting their feet on the coffee table. Elliot put an arm around her.

"Maybe you can still spend more time over there El. I would understand," Olivia said.

Elliot knew Olivia would take a step back if she thought she needed to. He wasn't sure how things would go with Eli. In New York, he would miss his son and in Santa Cruz he would miss _her_. And he had his new job to consider.

"Maybe you could come with me on my visits once you're up to it?" he suggested.

"Maybe," Olivia said, but she wasn't sure if she would really want that.

"Well, we don't have to decide anything right now," Elliot said. "I'll be back Tuesday and we'll take it from there."

Olivia nodded. He was right. There didn't seem to be a right way to do this and they wouldn't find any answers tonight.

"I want to spend this evening with you and not worry about things," Elliot said softly near her ear, and goose bumps formed all over her skin.

"I want that too," she replied, turning her head to kiss him softly.

Elliot wrapped his other arm around her as well and pulled her in, kissing her back more urgently. She was never going to get used to this. It was new each time he kissed her. After wondering for so long what it would be like, it was incredibly intense to connect to Elliot physically like this. After the first few tentative kisses before and after their first date, the weirdness of kissing her best friend had subsided quickly. But their make-out sessions were tantalizing each time and always left her longing for more. She knew it was becoming more difficult for Elliot to hold back as they were together more often.

Tonight, it was even more difficult. They had been kissing and touching for a while on the couch. Elliot always made sure he didn't end up on top of Olivia completely, so she wouldn't feel trapped, but she had pulled him on top of her herself. He looked down at her beautiful face and into her big brown eyes, afraid to make a wrong move now that he was lying between her legs. She had pulled one knee up while her other leg dangled off the couch. He couldn't have ended up anywhere else, yet he wondered if he should get up, until Olivia whispered his name.

"El ... it's okay."

His heart thudded in his chest. What exactly was okay? He leaned in to capture her lips with his, and Olivia moaned as she pulled his upper body on top of hers. Elliot closed his eyes and tried to relax as she returned his kiss passionately. He was afraid to make a wrong move but his body couldn't help responding strongly to hers. Her hands were inside his t-shirt, caressing his back. While he leaned on one elbow to keep some weight off of Olivia, his free hand drifted down her body and over her grey legging until he was cupping her ass. Olivia's hand found its way inside his sweat pants. She pushed her hips into him and when he squeezed gently, she moaned again. The sound went straight to his groin and she should be feeling his arousal by now. He broke off their kiss to look at her again, and put one foot on the floor to ease the friction between them a little and to give Olivia room to breathe and to decide what she wanted to happen, or not.

She was breathing heavily and her body was sending a clear message. It wanted more. _She_ wanted more but she wasn't sure if she was ready. The last thing she wanted was to get Elliot all fired up and then have to break it off. She didn't want to frustrate him but she was frustrating herself, too.

Elliot could see in her eyes that she wasn't sure. He'd told her they would go at her pace so he accepted that it wasn't going to happen yet. When he started moving away, Olivia stopped him.

"What are you doing?" she asked, and he could hear the insecurity in her voice.

"You're not ready," he said hoarsely.

"Says who?" she asked, trying to keep him in place.

"It's okay Liv."

Elliot pushed himself up but Olivia still wouldn't let go.

"No. El, it's not okay. I ... I do want you."

He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching, and closed his eyes.

"I know Liv. But as long as you're not sure, we're not going to try."

She tried to swallow a lump in her throat and when Elliot opened his eyes again, she could see that he knew how she felt. He kissed the corners of her eyes gently, kissing away the beginnings of her tears.

"I wanted tonight to be special," she said sadly as Elliot sat up and pulled her up with him. He needed some time to pull himself together. Even fully clothed, she had a hold on him that was difficult to shake off.

"Tonight is special," he said after a minute. "It's been special every night since you moved out of the hotel. And it'll be special again when I return on Tuesday."

His voice was tense. She knew he wanted to mean what he was saying. How long would he be willing to wait? Wouldn't he get tired of waiting? Why couldn't she just be like she was before?

Olivia put a hand on his back hesitantly and Elliot turned his head to look at her. He was still aroused. When he saw a hint of fear in her eyes, he snapped out of his frozen state. They shouldn't be afraid to touch each other and most certainly not to be honest with each other. Having sex shouldn't be the only goal of being intimate. There were other ways to express their love for each other. He reached for Olivia's hand and smiled at her.

"I have an idea," he told her. "Do you still have some of that rubbing oil left that I gave you?"

...

 **Oooh, what does Elliot have in mind?**

 **...**

 **I'm aiming for 500 reviews after 50 chapters so let me know what you think. Guest reviews are welcome, as always. If you want me to reply, (sign up and) log in before reviewing. The next chapter will be up as soon as we hit 500 reviews or more.  
(If there is a delay, that would be because I'm in Europe, so I usually sleep when you guys in the US and South America leave your thoughts.)**


	51. Special

**Wow, I thought I would have at least another day to finish this chapter but you guys are fast! We're well over 500 reviews already. Thank you and here's chapter 51.  
PS. I have created a separate twitter account today, linking to this ff account: OEB01231964. Feel free to hook up with me there.  
**

...

51.

 _Olivia put a hand on his back hesitantly and Elliot turned his head to look at her. He was still aroused. When he saw a hint of fear in her eyes, he snapped out of his frozen state. They shouldn't be afraid to touch each other and most certainly not to be honest with each other. Having sex shouldn't be the only goal of being intimate. There were other ways to express their love for each other. He reached for Olivia's hand and smiled at her._

 _"I have an idea," he told her. "Do you still have some of that rubbing oil left that I gave you?"_

Olivia's eyes went a little wider. Rubbing oil? What was Elliot planning to do?

"Liv, relax," Elliot said softly. "I just want to make tonight special without you trying to force anything."

She nodded and stood up slowly. Her stomach was trembling and she hated feeling so insecure, again. As she walked to her room to get the oil from her bathroom, she heard Elliot walking around in the living room and putting away their beer bottles. She gathered they were not going to use the oil on the couch. When she returned with one of the bottles, Elliot met her halfway the hallway, carrying a large bath towel, and pointed to his bedroom.

"Let's go in there. A little more privacy."

Right. Eli was there too. He'd interrupted them a few times before. Olivia walked into Elliot's bedroom and he followed her, closing the door behind them and dropping the bath towel on the bed.

The night air had cooled off and Elliot closed the window and the curtains. He hoped that Olivia would be able to relax once she'd realize he just wanted to give her a real massage. She almost looked like a deer caught in the headlights and it only confirmed to him that he'd been right to break things off earlier. He needed to reassure her quickly. He walked up to her and took the bottle from her hands, laying it on his bed.

"I think that we need to relax before going to bed, so I would like to give you a massage," he said, rubbing her bare arms gently with his warm hands.

Olivia bit her lip. Massages involved bare skin and she didn't know if she was ready to reveal her scarred torso to him yet. Before she had time to worry any more, Elliot told her she was dressed perfectly for the occasion, in her light blue spaghetti top and grey leggings. Perfect access to her neck and shoulders. Olivia smiled and stepped closer to Elliot, placing her hands on his chest. He knew exactly what to say to ease her mind and she stood on her toes to kiss him softly.

"Alright," she said, gaining more confidence as she spoke, "but you will have to allow me to return the favor."

Elliot couldn't help grinning widely. That would definitely not be a problem. He turned down the bed and laid out the bath towel on what had become 'her' side of his bed. He asked her to lay down on her stomach and she did, propping up the pillow under her chin. Elliot moved her arms down so they were resting along side her body.

"May I?" he asked, tugging slightly at the spaghetti straps of her top, and moving them to the sides and down her shoulders when she didn't respond.

"Just tell me if there's anything making you uncomfortable, okay?" he asked, and Olivia tried to nod.

She was holding her breath and moved her face to the side when she felt the mattress dip under Elliot's weight. He was leaning over her, and she soon felt his weight shift when he moved one leg over her, placing one knee on either side of her hips. He didn't put his full weight on her legs and checked again that she was okay before grabbing the bottle of oil and squirting some in his hands. She heard him rub his hands together and tried to relax when his warm hands smoothed the oil over her shoulders, from her upper arms to her neck and back. After a few strokes, she sighed contently. His strong hands were moving confidently, rubbing the kinks out of her neck and smoothing down her shoulders and upper back, tracing her muscles and applying just the right amount of pressure. She hadn't realized how tense she had been and moaned softly when his thumbs pressed into just the right spots below her shoulder blades.

Elliot pushed the fabric of her top down further as he found the knots in her muscles. He could feel her relaxing and smiled, even though he knew she couldn't see his face. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him at all times, and hoped that this way of touching each other would bring them closer together, without any worries about levels of intimacy that might or might not be reached. He loved her naturally tanned skin and as he continued helping her relax, his mind drifted to memories of all the years they'd spent as partners on the job.

Most of the time they had been busy, focused on their cases, the victims, suspects and perps. But a lot of times he'd watched her work when they were at their desks doing paperwork, or he'd watched her sleep when they were trying to catch some shut-eye during a case that took up their nights as well as their days. They didn't touch then. Only when it was absolutely necessary, when one of them was hurt. He had wanted to though. Especially when she was sleeping. She was peaceful, then. When she was awake, she was always on alert. Always working to be the best, for the victims. Always striving to be better, faster and stronger, her need for justice only paralleled by her compassion for the victims.

Today, he still loved to watch her sleep. A lot had changed and too much had happened to Olivia, but when she was sleeping, she was the same. She was the woman he had fallen in love with when he shouldn't have. She was the woman who had gotten under his skin, in more ways than one, and who had wormed her way into his heart when there shouldn't even have been a place for her there. She would infuriate him and calm him down. She would frustrate him and then share the burden. She would make him want to punch a wall and then put her badge on the line to protect him.

And he knew that Olivia was still there. He saw her when she was sleeping and he felt her when they kissed. There was a passion simmering beneath the surface and he knew that once she would be comfortable again to let herself go, he had better brace himself. Right now, she was still afraid. Afraid to loose control because she had lost control in such a violent way, that she didn't know what would happen if she let herself go again. And she was afraid to show him her scars, because she felt that they defaced her. She had been deeply humiliated and the scars not only reminded her of that humiliation and powerlessness but they had made her insecure about her body. He knew she needed time to deal with both of these issues. He would give her all the time she needed but he wanted to help her as well. And one way to help her was to make her feel comfortable with her body again. She seemed comfortable now, her eyes closed and her breathing even while her muscles were relaxing more and more.

At first, she had been a little jumpy to feel his strong hands on her skin. But his confidence and complete lack of hesitation while he found all the tense muscles in her back, and his focus on making her relax and feel safe, had helped her do exactly that. It wasn't that he ever made her feel unsafe. She was just insecure and she was torn between that insecurity and her need to be close to him. It wasn't him. It was her. It had never been him.

She remembered how they had worked together so well, knowing each others' moves in advance and clicking on every level. They had gotten on each others' nerves too, a lot. But she knew that was only because they fit together so well. They could tell each other anything, knowing they would always have each others' back. Some people said that partners could become tighter as married couples, and they were right. They knew they could always count on each other and in that safety, they wouldn't mince words and blurt out things they would never have said to anyone else. That was why she'd missed him so much when he moved away. She had never had that kind of safety in her life before, ever. Not even with her mother. Especially not with her mother. And not with any of her boyfriends. Elliot had been the only one, and he still was the only one.

She was still amazed at how kind and patient Elliot had been with over the past weeks. Perhaps their tempers needed each other to be fueled and drawn out, and without her usual feistiness, he wasn't as much of a hothead either. Their dynamic had changed quite a bit and she wondered if that change would be permanent. Maybe as she got stronger, they would start rubbing each other the wrong way again. But even then, she knew that safety would still be there, like it had always been. She relaxed more, and enjoyed the feeling of Elliot's hands on her body. He was strong and tender, fiercely protective of her but never in a way that would make her feel inferior. They were equals but right now he was being her rock. She was in the safest place she would ever be and was finally able to accept his support without needing to do something for him in return.

She moaned again as Elliot pressed on her shoulder blades so hard that the air was pushed out of her lungs. It felt so good and she remembered there was one thing she could do in return. Not because she had to, but because she wanted to, and she had basically promised him to return the favor of a massage.

"El," she said, as his hands made their way down again, moving over her top now to apply pressure on her lower back.

"Hmmm," Elliot hummed, clearly completely focused on his task of loosening up her muscles.

"Oh, that feels so wonderful," she sighed, forgetting momentarily what she had wanted to say.

She felt Elliot's weight shift again as he sat up on his knees, and shivered when she felt his warm breath on her shoulder. He planted his palms to the sides of her pillow and kissed her left shoulder. Then he moved to her right shoulder and then her right cheek as he whispered,

"I aim to please my lady."

She smiled and reveled in the feeling of his strong body hovering over hers and his lips on her cheek.

"Anything else I can do for you tonight?" he asked huskily and Olivia chuckled.

"Yes, there is actually," she replied with an equally sexy tone to her voice.

"And what would that be?"

She managed to turn on her back quickly underneath him and looked up into his bright blue eyes. Elliot's breath hitched when he was suddenly faced with Olivia's flushed face beneath him. He couldn't help it that his eyes flicked down to her chest, that was partially exposed because he'd pushed her top down during the massage. His eyes flicked back up to hers quickly but she'd seen it. She reached up to pull the straps of her top back up without breaking eye contact and she didn't seem bothered that he'd seen a little bit more than just the swell of her breasts.

"I owe you a massage too," she said, answering his question, "so I need you to trade places with me."

Elliot sat up, his eyes still trained on her beautiful face. She seemed completely relaxed and he was glad that that part of his plan had been accomplished. He wasn't sure how he was going to react to her hands on his body though. Olivia pulled her legs from under him and patted the towel.

"Come on, lie down Elliot."

He moved forward as Olivia moved to the side, but Olivia put a hand on his bicep.

"Wait. Take off your shirt first."

"Yes ma'am," he grunted, whipping the shirt off in one quick movement before settling his body on the towel.

Olivia straddled him the same way he had done her, only she had no problem with actually sitting on him, on his ass. She smoothed her hands from his waist up to his shoulders before picking up the bottle of oil to squirt it straight on his back.

"Hey," Elliot protested. "That's cold."

Olivia laughed and started smoothing out the oil on his back.

"Don't be a crybaby. It'll warm up soon enough."

Elliot huffed something about how he'd taken the time to warm it up fist but Olivia just ignored his protests. He was silent quickly when her strong hands started kneading the muscles in his shoulders and arms. He sighed and relaxed, letting his mind wander once again. He had tried to do the right thing and give Olivia up for his family but despite putting thousands of miles between them, she had never lost her place in his heart. Next to his children, she was the most important person in the world to him. It wasn't hard for him to be patient with her now, but there was a rage deep inside him against the beast that had had the nerve to come after his Olivia and hurt her so profoundly. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he ever came face to face with that sorry excuse for a human being.

"El, what's wrong?" Olivia asked from behind him and he realized he had tensed up again. He needed to focus on the here and now.

"I'm sorry Liv," he said. "I was just distracted. Thinking about stuff I can't change anyway."

"What kind of stuff?" Olivia asked and he could hear some apprehension in her voice.

"Doesn't matter. You're here now."

Maybe that wouldn't have been much of an answer to anyone else, but Olivia understood. He'd been thinking about what had happened to her. She smoothed her hands over his shoulders and biceps once again, moving her mouth close to his ear in the process.

"I'm here now and you need to relax," she said softly and she smiled when she felt him shiver under her hands.

His body was amazing and she loved the feeling of his strong muscles under her hands. She moved her hands back down and applied pressure on his lower back before pushing her hands back up his body. Elliot moaned and she loved that sound. She took her time exploring all the muscles on his back and loosening up his neck. His skin was still bronzed from exposure to the Californian sun and it glowed in the dimmed lights of his bedroom. Olivia moved her hands down again, and moved them to the sides until she could reach underneath him. She couldn't quite reach his pecs and sat up.

"El, would you mind turning around?" she asked. "I'd like to massage your pecs as well."

He didn't mind at all, and turned around when Olivia sat up on her knees. When he was on his back he folded his hands behind his head and grinned at her.

"Are you sure you don't just wanna feel me up?" he asked and she laughed out loud.

They smiled at each other and declared their love for each other without words. Without breaking eye contact, Olivia put her hands on Elliot's body again, starting with his abs and moving up slowly to his pecs. Her movements were slow and sensual and he couldn't stop grinning as he watched her move. As she massaged him slowly, his muscles relaxed while his skin tingled. She had moved up a bit and was sitting on his pelvis now, effectively keeping him in place while keeping their lower halves from making too much contact. Her face was relaxed and he could tell she was taking him in completely. She was making love to his skin with her hands and after a while, he couldn't just lay there anymore. He put his hands over hers and smoothed them up her arms until he reached her shoulders. Olivia leaned in to kiss him and they both moaned as she draped her body over his and sank into him. Elliot turned them both to the side before intensifying the kiss and their warm, oily bodies melted into each other as he wrapped her in his arms.

Their kiss changed into a loving embrace very naturally after a while and Olivia hid her face in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes as Elliot let out a very content sigh. He only changed positions once to pull the covers over them. They didn't bother changing for the night or brushing their teeth. They were fine just the way they were. They were more than fine. It had been a special night after all.

...

 **A/N I had to finish this quickly so I hope it doesn't show too much that I was rushed. Let me know, okay? Will start working on chapter 52 right away.**


	52. Back to California

52.

 **July 14, 2013**

She wasn't coming with them to the airport. Elliot understood and fortunately, Eli hadn't even thought about it. Olivia didn't want a heavy goodbye and after Elliot had put their luggage in the trunk of the cab, she just held them both close briefly before releasing them and letting them get in the cab. They had done enough kissing in the early morning hours to tide them over, Elliot had joked before they walked downstairs and Olivia had agreed. He promised to call her as soon as they got to Kathy's and as they drove off, Olivia managed to wave happily at Eli. She kept on waving until the cab was completely out of sight and then turned around to go inside. She sighed, not wanting to cry. _Come on Benson, it's only three days_ , she told herself once again. She'd been alone a lot longer lots of times. When she walked back into the now empty apartment, she took another shaky breath. She could do this.

She hadn't had breakfast yet and tried to eat something but aside from a cup of coffee all she could manage was a dry cracker. It was going to be a very warm day and she couldn't help thinking what they would do if Eli and Elliot had been there. She wasn't going to go to the park alone, or to the swimming pool or a theme park. She didn't feel like going anywhere alone and shook her head at her own self-pity.

Her phone rang and she wondered who it could be. Was Elliot calling already to let her know where they were? They couldn't even be at the airport yet. She didn't recognize the number and answered with a neutral 'Hello?'.

"Olivia? Hi, it's Kathleen. Hope I didn't wake you?"

Olivia smiled and sat down on the couch.

"No, I've been up for quite a while, packing up Eli's stuff. They just left for the airport twenty minutes ago."

"Yeah, I know," Elliot's middle daughter replied. "That's kinda why I'm calling. We thought maybe you could use some company, so Liz and I wanted to take you out to lunch. Unless you have plans already of course."

Olivia was moved by the girls' thoughtfulness and happily agreed to meet them for lunch. After setting a time and place, they ended the call. Olivia smiled again and jumped up. Now that she had an appointment, something to look forward to, she actually felt energized and decided to go out for her morning run. She could do that much on her own.

...

Eli had been bouncing up and down for a while now. He was very excited to go on a plane again and had decided he wanted to be a pilot when he grew up. At least the travelling didn't bother his boy, Elliot thought. That would come in quite handy now that his parents were living so far apart. They had arrived with time to spare and had been waiting at the airport for a while now for the announcer to tell them boarding was starting. Eli was already reading a bit and was keeping an eye on the departure boards, telling him which other flights were now boarding and which gates had already closed. Elliot just nodded as his thoughts drifted to Olivia. He knew she'd be fine. She had always been perfectly capable of taking care of herself. He was glad she was living at his place now and not at the hotel anymore. It was comforting to know she was home, where she belonged. He wanted to call her but decided not to. _Come on Stabler, it's only three days_ , he told himself once again.

Olivia wasn't the only one processing things in dreams. He'd had a few dreams himself that had been difficult to shake off. Most of them involved Olivia's eyes, hands and mouth and her warm, soft curves. He took a deep breath as he remembered last night's dream. He shouldn't dwell on it, especially in public, or he might embarrass himself. Still, the thoughts of how their massage could have had a different outcome wouldn't leave him completely.

 _Her top had slipped down as he had massaged her back and when she turned on her back and he saw her beautiful breasts, her nipples swollen in anticipation of what was to come, he just had to taste them. She didn't stop him and he moaned loudly as his mouth closed over her left breast and his tongue swirled around her peaked nipple. He had pinned her hands above her head and her fingers intertwined with his as her back arched off the bed. She was panting, her eyes squeezed shut and he licked his way to her other nipple. In his dreams, there were no scars and as he released her hands to tug her top down further, Olivia just whispered a soft 'yes', followed by a throaty sound that went straight to his groin. His hands moved down to her hips as he devoured her breasts. Olivia's hands were on his bare back and she was panting his name. He moved to the side so he could move one hand further down her body and when he stroked the inside of her thigh her hips bucked up while her hands moved to his chest and down his body to find their way inside his sweatpants. By now, he had a raging hard-on and he couldn't wait to feel her hands on him. His mouth found hers at the same time his hand connected with her hot center over her legging and she moaned into his mouth again. It was all he had ever wanted and more, and she was giving back as much as he was giving her. Her hand was now inside his sweatpants and moving over his boxer briefs towards his throbbing manhood. She bucked up again as he rubbed her and ..._

"Daddy, it says boarding! It says boarding!"

Elliot was on his feet before he realized what was going on.

"What Eli? You startled me," he said quickly, while grabbing the newspaper he'd bought earlier to cover the bulge in his pants. He really shouldn't be daydreaming in public, and definitely not in the presence of his son.

"Sorry daddy but we gotta go," his son said, grabbing his backpack with one hand and Elliot's hand with the other.

Elliot took another deep breath and breathed out slowly as they started walking towards the gate. This was going to be a long trip. A very long trip.

...

After her run, Olivia took a hot shower and made herself one of Elliot's famous fruit shakes to tide her over until lunch with the girls. She had decided to wear her white Lara Croft dress and sandals again, since it was such a warm day, and she thought she looked nice enough. The restaurant was too far away to walk in sandals so she took a cab. The girls were already there and Kathleen jumped up and waved at her as soon as she entered the restaurant. Olivia smiled and walked over to the Stabler sisters.

"Wow Olivia, you look amazing," Kathleen said, looking her over and Olivia smiled shyly.

"Thank you honey. You look very summery yourself."

Kathleen grinned at her comment, knowing her very short shorts might be a bit much.

"Well, it is summer, isn't it?"

Liz had also stood up and greeted Olivia. She was a much quieter girl and Olivia didn't know her as well as she knew Maureen and Kathleen.

"You look very summery too, Elizabeth," she told the youngest Stabler girl, who was wearing a nice yellow summer dress with a print of tiny green leaves on it. Her yellow high-heeled sandals made her look quite the lady next to her older sister, who was wearing short jeans, a simple pink t-shirt and white sneakers.

Liz thanked her politely and they all sat down. A waiter brought them menus and they all took their time reading the lunch section in silence. After they had ordered, Olivia asked the girls how they were doing in school and they chatted for a while. Kathleen asked how Olivia was doing and about her therapy. Olivia didn't mind at all that she was asking her personal questions. She didn't go into the details of what had happened to her but both girls seemed to understand that it would take a lot of time to get over something as traumatic as being abducted by a rapist.

"I'm glad my dad is here to help you Olivia," Kathleen said honestly. "I know he has his faults but he really is a great guy."

Olivia nodded and smiled. Kathleen and Elliot had butted heads many times in the past. They were both stubborn and both had a temper, but deep down they were also crazy about each other.

Liz had been rather quiet during lunch, which wasn't surprising because she had always been the quietest of the family. She had been listening to the exchange between her sister and Olivia and Olivia noticed that she wanted to ask her something too, so she looked at her encouragingly. Liz seemed a little taken aback when the attention suddenly shifted to her, because Kathleen was now looking at her as well.

"Wanna chip in as well, sis?" Kathleen asked her rather bluntly, and Olivia almost felt bad for Liz.

Liz smiled shyly and looked from Olivia to her sister and back.

"I do have a question, actually," she admitted, setting down her fork and putting her hands in her lap.

"And what is that, Elizabeth?" Olivia asked her kindly.

"Yeah, out with it," Kathleen chimed in again, in her own never even remotely subtle way.

"I just ... I was just wondering."

"Wondering what, honey?" Olivia tried again.

"Are you in love with our father?"

Liz kept her eyes on her plate after blurting out the question, and Olivia breathed out slowly through pursed lips. She glanced at Kathleen, who was clearly amused and made a 'duh' gesture with her hands and face. It helped Olivia relax a little but she wasn't sure if Liz would be as okay with things as Kathleen obviously was. But she had no choice but to be honest with her.

"Yes, I am, Elizabeth. Very much so."

It felt strange but good to say it out loud.

"So you're ehm ..."

Liz hesitated again and Kathleen decided to finish the question for her sister.

"So you're sleeping with him? That's what you want to know, right sis?"

Liz was looking anywhere except at Olivia, who felt a blush coming up. Was it normal for kids to ask these things? She had no idea but the question deserved an answer either way.

"No, I'm not," Olivia said, trying to sound a lot more confident than she was feeling. "We're not there yet."

"Oh my God," Kathleen sighed. "Fifteen years and you're still not there yet? I don't believe it."

Olivia couldn't help smiling slightly at Kathleen's honest little outburst.

"Well, it's true. Besides, your dad is still officially married so maybe it's better that we decided to wait."

Liz nodded, and finally looked up at Olivia again.

"I'm sorry Olivia, I don't mean to pry. I just ... I hope you and dad will make it work. I couldn't take it if we had to get used to new people all the time."

Olivia realized that the girl really didn't have a problem with her being in her father's life and she felt greatly relieved. She hadn't known it mattered that much to her what his children would think of her but the truth was, it did. She put a hand on Liz's arm and smiled at her.

"I don't plan on letting him get away, Elizabeth."

"And dad won't let Olivia get away either," Kathleen added.

"Okay then. Thank you," Liz said, looking into the eyes of the older woman. "And you can call me Liz. Everyone does."

...

Eli had finally dozed off on the plane and Elliot decided to try and take a nap as well. They would be underway most of the day so they'd better get comfortable. He just hoped he wouldn't have another steamy dream about Olivia, and put a magazine in his lap just in case. He grinned at himself and shook his head. _How old are you_ , he asked himself. _Seventeen?_

He thought back to the time when he was seventeen. Sex had been a totally new adventure then but before he could even decide what he was looking for in a woman, he'd gotten Kathy pregnant. All he'd known was, he wanted a woman who was focused and practical, not all over the place like his mother. Kathy had at least fitted that bill and being with her had been satisfactory. But he couldn't deny that Olivia had awakened feelings deep inside him that were completely different. He had never had time to experiment or to wonder if Kathy was the woman he wanted to do that with. Now he knew, and it wasn't Kathy. It was Olivia. He would always stand up to protect Kathy and his children but he couldn't picture his life without Olivia in it anymore. He felt blessed that Kathy was so relaxed about the changes that were taking place in their lives. He glanced at the sleeping boy next to him. He was their little miracle and whatever they decided should be about him. But his heart belonged to the woman he had just left behind in New York. It had for a long time and he was finally able and allowed to admit it.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

Coming back to the house in Santa Cruz was strange in a way. It had been his home for a while but it didn't feel like that at all anymore. It was Kathy's home. She was thriving here. It was a lot cooler there now than in New York but overall, the climate was good for her. She greeted him kindly after hugging Eli until he started squirming. He was tired but really wanted to see his friend Sam, so Kathy told him to run over quickly. Kathy looked good and Elliot wondered again if she was seeing someone. She told him she would be working an early shift the next morning so he and Eli would have the house to themselves. Elliot wanted to visit his old gym while he was there so he would do that in the morning. Kathy told him she'd managed to make an appointment with their attorney late Monday afternoon and he agreed to go with her so they could both go over the divorce papers together, and sign them right away if everything was in order.

Elliot called Olivia to let her know they'd arrived safely and was happy to hear that his daughters had taken her out to lunch. She sounded okay and he was glad she hadn't been holed up in the apartment all day. Kathy was making coffee so they didn't talk for long. He had coffee with his soon-to-be ex wife and he told her about Kathleen and Liz taking Olivia out to lunch. Kathy agreed that it was nice of them. He wanted to ask her about her own personal life but he wasn't sure if it was his place to ask. Kathy was quiet too as if there was something on her mind and while they were sitting only a few feet away from each other, he could feel the distance between them. Finally he asked her,

"Kathy, are you doing alright?"

She leaned back in her chair and smiled without looking at him.

"Yes Elliot, I'm doing alright. I did miss Eli this past week, but I love my life here. Please, don't worry about me."

"Anything else I need to know?"

He wasn't sure how he'd managed to get the words out, but he was glad he'd asked her. And he could tell she knew exactly what he was asking her.

"I should have known," she said softly. "Nothing gets by detective Stabler."

Elliot stood up, and walked over to the window to see if Eli was coming back yet while he waited for Kathy to continue.

"You remember Jake Bronson right? You met him once at a party."

Elliot turned around, slightly shocked and looked at her. Jake Bronson was old enough to be her father.

Kathy chuckled when she noticed the expression on his face, and got up as well to stand next to him.

"His daughter was in an accident last year and ended up in a coma. She was transferred to our hospital a few months ago and that's when I met her husband."

"Her husband?"

She was seeing Jake Bronson's son-in-law?

"Yeah. We talked a lot whenever he visited her. He had to make a decision to end her treatment and it was really hard on him. When his wife passed away last May we stayed in touch and ... well ... we found out we really care about each other."

"So he's the guy who flew out to New York on the fourth?"

"Yeah."

Her smile lit up her face and her eyes softened when she thought of him, the new man in her life. Elliot couldn't remember the last time she had looked at him like that. He felt a twinge of jealousy but told himself to be happy for her. If anyone had a right to be jealous it was her, not him. He'd been in love with another woman for years, even if he hadn't admitted it. He should be happy that Kathy was finding happiness of her own at last.

"Sounds serious then," he managed to say.

Kathy just nodded and they both turned around when they heard Eli bolting into the room with his best friend Sam.

"See. I told you my daddy is here!" Eli shouted.

"Hi Mr. Stabler," Sam said politely. "Hi Mrs. Stabler."

Before they could respond, both boys were running up the stairs to Eli's room and the parents looked at each other, each trying to read what the other one was feeling. They were still Mr. and Mrs. Stabler but they wouldn't be for long. They were moving on.

...

 **Review?**


	53. Thin line

53.

 **New York City**

It had been a while since Olivia had woken up in a cold sweat. It happened again during her first night alone. The dream shook her up, a lot. She dreamed of being in bed with Elliot again. She was finally allowing him to see all of her and started to let go and just enjoy the effect his hands and his mouth were having on her body. His hands were warm and strong and his body was firm beneath her. But in stead of giving herself to him and enjoying him and the pleasure he was giving her, something else was unleashed inside her. It wasn't just lust but it was rage as well. It was the same unbridled combination she had witnessed in Lewis while he was raping Mrs. Mayer, and while it shocked her to the core, she couldn't stop the two emotions from mixing together inside her as well. She had flipped Elliot over on his back in her dream and straddled him, guiding him inside her for the first time. But in stead of making love to him, she began beating him while he was inside her, suddenly seeing Lewis' face in front of her. She found the iron rod in her hand and used it. Elliot seemed too shocked to do anything to stop her and she couldn't stop beating on him until he became completely still. She screamed then, panicking because of what she'd done and trying to cover up his naked, bleeding body.

When she jolted awake and Elliot wasn't there, it took her at least thirty minutes to calm down. She paced the empty apartment, talking to herself and assuring her that everything was in order and she really hadn't hurt Elliot, until she could finally breathe again. It was still early and after taking a long hot shower, which made her feel like she was trying to wash his blood off her hands, she decided to crawl into Elliot's bed for a while. It smelled of him and it helped a little to hug his pillow and breathe in his familiar scent. When she closed her eyes, it was almost like he was there. He was alright. She hadn't hurt him. She could never hurt him. But she couldn't sleep anymore and the disturbing feelings she'd had in the dream stayed in the back of her head the rest of the day.

It was going to get even hotter than the day before and Olivia wasn't feeling well. She was still tired after her restless night and had hardly eaten anything, afraid that she might throw up if she ate the wrong thing. She needed some distraction and wondered who she could call. She and Elliot had exchanged a few texts but she couldn't keep bothering him because of a bad dream. He had called her and spoken softly because it was still early on the west coast. Hearing his voice had helped. Elliot had assured her that it was just her fear of losing control that had created this dream, and that they both knew she would never hurt him like that. And even if she would freak out, he would know how to calm her down, because he would never hurt her either. She tried to hold on to that thought but did need some distraction.

Finally, she decided to call Nick to ask him how everyone was doing at SVU without her. Nick was happy to hear from her but she could tell there was more on his mind than just the usual gut-wrenching cases they dealt with from day to day. She guessed it had to do with his marriage, if there still was a marriage to speak of now. She knew he'd talk about it when he was ready and she didn't ask. They chatted a little about the quirks of their co-workers and Olivia asked if Cragen was around. Nick told her he was and she decided to call her Captain next.

Donald Cragen was very happy to hear from her again. He told her he knew Elliot was there to look after her so he hadn't checked in with her as much as in the beginning, and Olivia understood. She'd like to see him though and catch up, but when he asked her if she was up to a visit to the station, she told him she wasn't. She wasn't ready for all the looks of pity people would give her, and would rather meet Cragen outside the precinct. So she asked if he could come over in stead and he said he'd be there around three.

Having something to look forward too, like the previous day, really helped Olivia to focus and spend her time doing some useful things like her laundry - well, their laundry - and cleaning up a bit around the house. She had opened all the windows as well as the sliding door to the balcony to let the warm breeze in, and after a while she looked around the kitchen and living room contently. She was ready to receive her visitor. But it was only 2 PM so she decided to sit down and write a few things in her journal. Like how it had become difficult for her to be alone for a day. She hoped Dr. Lindstrom would tell her that would only be temporary. She made a few notes about her dream and how there seemed to be such a thin line between lust and rage, and how scary that was. She had always wondered how that worked with the perps they put away on a weekly basis at SVU, and she was beginning to understand it a little now that she had experienced first hand how thin that line could be. Finally, to distract herself and lighten her mood a bit, she wrote down her feelings about Elliot's children. The only one she hadn't seen so far was Dickie. Elliot had told her that his oldest son had been worried about her and that he'd told him to take good care of her. Maybe he was avoiding her because he didn't know how to handle a victim. She scrunched up her nose as she wrote it down. _Victim_.

She was still deep in thought when the buzzer announced that her Captain had arrived.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

It was nice to see his old co-workers at the gym again, and several of the regulars that he'd worked out with. The men hounded him for a picture of the woman he had travelled across the country for and he finally showed them a picture of Olivia on his phone. He'd taken it one morning while she was busy in the kitchen and she hadn't noticed him until he said her name, and she had looked up with a smile. It was just perfectly Olivia, and the men as well as the women who checked out her photo all agreed she was very beautiful.

He missed her already and couldn't wait to go back the next day. He was a little worried after learning about her disturbing dreams but he couldn't fly back right away. They would meet their divorce attorney first and he was glad. Maybe it was old-fashioned in a way, but he'd rather be officially divorced, or at least have signed for it, before taking the next step with Olivia. She deserved it too, and so did Kathy. He wasn't sure if Kathy had waited though and he was rather curious to meet the man that had caught her eye. He couldn't help wondering if he would be anything like him at all. Kathy also hadn't had a lot of time to decide what kind of man she would like and had been stuck with him after just three months of dating.

Their meeting with the attorney went well and they both signed the official divorce papers while taking the custody papers with them. When they drove back to the house, Elliot saw that Kathy was sending someone a quick text. Probably her boyfriend. It was a strange word at their age, he thought. They weren't boys and girls anymore. The only usable alternative he could come up with to designate their love interests was 'partner' and that put a big smile on his face. His partner. She'd always been his partner on the job and now she was going to be his partner in life. They really were partners for life.

"What are you smiling about?" Kathy asked, clearly amused by the goofy look on his face.

"Nothing," he said quickly, knowing full well that Kathy wouldn't believe him. She was caught up in her own happy thoughts though, and the rest of the drive home were spent in comfortable silence.

When they pulled up in front of the house, Elliot said,

"I'd like to meet him."

Kathy didn't need to ask who. She didn't seem sure it was such a good idea though.

"Kath, I won't hurt him, promise," Elliot said with a grin. "I just want to know who will be hanging out with Eli."

It wasn't the only reason he wanted to meet the man, but he thought it sounded plausible enough and Kathy was actually buying it.

"Well, he's meeting me for coffee at the hospital tomorrow morning. I have another early shift."

Elliot nodded. He'd been at the hospital where she worked a few times and he knew his way around.

"What time?"

"9.30. And ..."

Kathy hesitated and he wondered why.

"And what?"

Kathy shifted in her seat and put her hand on the door handle, getting ready to get out of the car.

"If you could bring Eli. They ... they haven't met yet either."

She got out of the car quickly after that and walked up to the house, giving Elliot some space to process what she had just told him. She wanted Eli to meet her new friend for the first time. So she was really serious about the man. He could imagine she'd be nervous. He had had a huge advantage that Olivia was already practically a part of his family. His kids all knew her and liked her a lot. This was new territory for Kathy. He got out of the car as well and made a decision. Kathy deserved to move on just like him, and he would do whatever he could to make it easier for her.

...

 **New York City**

Seeing her Captain again had been good. She was glad he had come over and he seemed very pleased with how much she was at home at Elliot's place. He hadn't asked her directly but she could tell that he knew that their relationship had shifted. After Cragen left, she had gone out to get some groceries because she wanted to cook. It would just be for herself but if she made enough, she and Elliot could have the rest for dinner the next day. He was coming back the next day ... Olivia couldn't suppress a smile thinking about Elliot coming home. With the distractions she'd been having, it wasn't so bad and she realized she wasn't truly alone. She thought of her squad as family just like Elliot's kids. The only one who was absent in her life as usual was her only real blood-relative, Simon. She knew now that it wasn't bloodlines that connected people, but love. She wasn't alone because she had a family. A big family of people who cared about her.

Late that night she got another text from Elliot.

 _'Signed the divorce papers today and meeting Kathy's new friend tomorrow. Eli too. Seems serious. Told ya :) Love you and miss you. Can't wait to see you again tomorrow. El.'_

Kathy's new friend. So she _had_ started dating again. And they had signed the divorce papers. Usually, a divorce was a tragic life event but the way things were going for the Stablers, it actually put a smile on Olivia's face. Who would have thought just six months ago that they would be here today. Some other events over the past months had been less than pleasant but over all, Olivia could see her life moving in the right direction.

It was one of the first things she mentioned the next morning in her Tuesday therapy session. She had stayed up late watching cartoons and had slept only a few hours - in Elliot's bed - but she was still feeling more relaxed than the day before. Dr. Lindstrom asked her how she'd been over the past week. She summarized for him how they had spent time with Eli before he had to go back to California and how she had moved in with Elliot. And she told him about how her relationship with Elliot was progressing slowly and about her two days alone, that hadn't really been alone after all. Her therapist was pleased to learn that she was opening herself up to other people again and had energy to go out like she had with Eli and interact with Elliot's family and her squad.

"Olivia, you mentioned that your relationship with Elliot is progressing slowly. Now, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable but it isn't uncommon for people who have had a traumatic experience like the one you've had, to have difficulty with physical intimacy. Is that still a factor at all now that you have moved in with Elliot?"

Olivia blew out a breath and nodded slightly.

"It is," she admitted. "I'm using his guest room. I'm still ... not ready."

"Do you want to talk about that?"

She had thought about it early that morning and had wondered if she might be ready to talk about what had happened with Lewis. Images of the beating still flashed through her mind regularly, also when she was with Elliot. Whenever her body would get aroused, her mind would flash back to Lewis. Not only to him raping Mrs. Mayer or threatening her with the same fate but also to the way he had managed to draw out her rage. Most of the time, it wouldn't be something she was consciously aware of. Lewis had never gotten her aroused so it wasn't a flashback to that kind of memory. It would just be a sense of panic or fear that reminded her of the kidnapping. Her dream of two nights ago had made her aware that her fear of taking the next step with Elliot might have more to do with the beating than she had realized. Maybe it was time to talk about it, because she really wanted her relationship with Elliot to progress and she wanted her body back.

So she answered her therapist that yes, she did want to talk about it.

"Alright. Can you tell me what makes you think you're not ready for intimacy? Can you describe what it is that makes you hold back?"

Dr. Lindstrom was choosing his words carefully but Olivia knew there was no tactical way around it.

"Well, one thing is that I don't want El to see my scars."

"You mean the burns Lewis made on your body?"

"Yes."

"Are you ashamed that Lewis got you in a position that he was able to burn you?"

Olivia closed her eyes for a moment and put a hand on her stomach.

"It was very humiliating."

"And painful I would assume."

"That too," Olivia said, "but the humiliation is what is sticking with me."

"Why do you think that is?"

Olivia wasn't sure what prompted her to want to shock her therapist a little, but she stood up abruptly and pulled her t-shirt up so Dr. Lindstrom could see the scars.

"Because he put his initial on me. He branded me as if I had become his property."

Dr. Lindstrom was a little surprised but quickly took in the scars he was seeing. She knew he couldn't miss the big letter on her stomach and she pulled her t-shirt down again and sat down.

"His property, you say. Do you feel like he has somehow succeeded? That he's stolen a piece of you?"

Olivia nodded.

"Yes. I'm not sure if you really want to know this, but I've been told I was pretty impressive in the bedroom before. I feel anything but impressive now, and Elliot is ..."

Her voice cracked when she mentioned his name and she was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. She took a deep breath and continued.

"Elliot is the one man I've ever wanted to grow old with and I can't even ..."

Dr. Lindstrom gave her some time to deal with the emotions of not being able to be as close to Elliot as she would want to be. Olivia grabbed a tissue from the box that was always there on the small table in the doctor's office and blew her nose. After a minute, Dr. Lindstrom asked her,

"Do you feel that the scars are the only thing holding you back?"

Surely he'd seen enough in his practice to know that it wasn't. Usually, he dealt with rape victims who would relive their rape when a man tried to have sex with them. In her case, the rape hadn't been physical. She felt like her soul had been violated. Lewis had managed to draw out a part of her that had been hidden all her life. And after that dream, she knew she would have to deal with that sooner rather than later.

"No," she said softly. "But what I'm about to tell you has to be completely off the record. So please, don't even take notes, okay?"

Her heart was beating very fast now that she was opening the door for her therapist to see her deepest secret. Dr. Lindstrom put down his notebook and assured her that _everything_ they discussed in their sessions was completely confidential. She knew that, but she needed to be sure that nothing could ever be retrieved, no recordings and no notes. Olivia was feeling very much out of her element and got up from her chair to walk around the office. Dr. Lindstrom leaned back in his chair and followed her with his eyes, waiting patiently for her to start telling him what she needed to get off her chest.

"You know that I'm a product of a rape," Olivia started, "and you know that it's been difficult for me to find some kind of peace with that."

"I believe you've only recently started finding some peace about that," Dr. Lindstrom replied.

"Okay. Well. The thing is, I've always worried that I would become a violent person because my parents were both violent. And I have all this repressed anger inside me about my own life and how unfair it's all been, to everyone involved."

Olivia looked at the older man, who nodded and waited patiently for her to continue.

"I've always channeled my outrage about injustice into fighting for justice for others, but I guess my own personal issues were never really addressed."

"Until now."

"Right. And somehow, Lewis picked up on that."

Dr. Lindstrom's eyebrows shot up and she knew she would have to continue now.

"The first time I was here, I told you that he managed to get to me."

"I remember," Dr. Lindstrom confirmed. "You didn't want to elaborate on that then."

Olivia flopped back into her chair.

"Well, I guess I'm ready to elaborate on it now."

...

 **A/N Sorry to break it off here but I thought the chapter was getting pretty long. The next chapter will be up soon. Meanwhile, a few reviews would be nice. Is this therapy session making sense so far?**


	54. Fear and Love

54.

 _"The first time I was here, I told you that he managed to get to me."_

 _"I remember," Dr. Lindstrom confirmed. "You didn't want to elaborate on that then."_

 _Olivia flopped back into her chair._

 _"Well, I guess I'm ready to elaborate on it now."_

"Please do," Dr. Lindstrom said, holding up his hands to show her he wasn't writing anything down.

Olivia knew he would be able to make notes afterwards but she would have to trust him now. She took a deep breath and tried to remember how she'd told Elliot about what had happened. But she wasn't going to give out that many details. She reminded her therapist that she was able to knock Lewis out and that she had handcuffed him to the foot of the bed. He remembered.

"Alright. Once he was handcuffed, I didn't call for backup right away. I'm not sure why. I was just so angry with him and I wanted him to pay for what he'd done to so many people. I knew it was wrong, but I ... I wanted him to suffer and ... I wanted to kill him."

Dr. Lindstrom opened his mouth to say something but Olivia stopped him.

"Please, let me finish."

She knew what he had wanted to say anyway. That her feelings were completely understandable after what she'd been through. She knew that. Her actions on the other hand ... she needed to tell him about her actions.

"In my statement, I declared that Lewis woke up and managed to get into a standing position and lunge at me."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded.

"That was a lie."

She registered the surprise on his face and bowed her head.

"I lied because I knew the truth might give him a way out, again."

She was so ashamed of herself that she didn't dare look at the man in front of her. It wasn't until she heard his kind voice, that carried no judgment at all, that she glanced up at him again.

"So you acted on your feelings and beat him up while he was handcuffed."

She nodded and sighed. Clearly Dr. Lindstrom had been briefed about Lewis' condition when they found him.

"And then I lied about it. And the only way to get out of this mess is to continue lying. And that ... that's not who I am."

Her voice was barely a whisper when she added sadly, "Well, it's not who I used to be."

"I understand," Dr. Lindstrom said, and she actually believed him. "But you haven't told me yet how Lewis got to you."

Olivia rubbed her clammy hands over her thighs nervously. This was the difficult part, and it was the part she needed help with. So she continued telling her therapist how she'd been talking to herself while Lewis had been unconscious, wondering what to do with him. How he'd suddenly responded and started taunting her, trying to get a reaction from her.

"I could feel it then. Growing inside me," she said, looking at the man in front of her to try and keep herself from drowning in another flashback.

"I could feel the darkness. The violence. The rage. Everything I've fought against my entire life."

She was trembling and had to take a deep breath.

"I was the one holding the gun but he still had power over me. It was like he could see right through me. He talked about my father and even about Elliot ... He knew exactly which buttons to push to draw out my frustration and my anger and he got to me. He .. _wanted_ me to kill him."

"Why do you think he wanted you to kill him?" Dr. Lindstrom asked quietly.

"So he'd be in my head for the rest of my life."

She took a shaky breath and her entire body was shaking now.

"He wanted to make me lose it so I'd be ... like him. And then I lost it. He got his way."

She wanted to cry after her admission and hid her face in her hands.

"Take your time Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said calmly. "I know this is very difficult for you because you feel you can never afford to make a mistake. But facing what has happened is the first step towards your recovery."

"I know," she whispered, wiping the beginnings of tears from her eyes.

"So tell me, what did you do?"

"I grabbed the metal bar that I had wrenched off the bed earlier when I broke free, and I started beating him. Everywhere. He was handcuffed and unarmed, lying on the floor, and I wanted to beat him to death. There was blood everywhere and I couldn't stop. I didn't _want_ to stop. I wanted to kill him."

She took a few quick breaths but remembered that she should breathe slowly, or she might start hyperventilating again.

"I still want him dead, doctor. I kill him over and over again in my dreams. And it scares me to death that I'm capable of that."

Dr. Lindstrom was quiet and deep in thought and she couldn't help wondering if maybe he had finally found someone he couldn't help. Her. She took another deep breath and waited for him to say something. She was relieved when he finally did.

"You must be feeling trapped between the truth and the lie."

It was a rather accurate summary of the situation, leaving out the enormous emotions involved.

"I do," Olivia said. "And the worst thing is, I will need to continue lying or Lewis may actually walk again. By giving into the evil inside of me, and almost killing him, I actually played right into his hand. I only have one choice now and it will make me just like him. A violent liar."

She was disgusted at the words that now summed up what she had become. She didn't feel this way all the time but sometimes it would still overwhelm her. And that dream hadn't helped either.

"Elliot says that the fact that I'm so upset about this proves that I'm not like him," she said, more to herself than to her therapist. She needed to remind her of his encouraging words and the love he had for her despite what she'd done.

"You've told Elliot about this."

She looked at Dr. Lindstrom.

"Yes. Yes, of course. He needs to know what is happening to me. He's the one who calms me down after a nightmare and he's the one I still can't ... _be_ with. He needs to know, to understand."

Dr. Lindstrom told her that the fact she had confided in Elliot was actually a huge step towards dealing with this issue. Many people dealing with such trauma would not confide in their loved ones at all, out of shame or out of some misguided urge to protect them. She confirmed to him that it hadn't been easy to tell him but that she simply couldn't deal with it alone. And she hoped he, as a psychiatrist, could help her come to terms with the violent streak that turned out to be a part of her after all.

The doctor tried to explain to her that the violence wasn't a _part_ of her, but that it was a reaction to what had been _done_ _to_ her. And that Elliot was absolutely right. It didn't make her anything like her abductor. Lewis would not show remorse like she did, while she would never beat up an innocent person.

Olivia's mind flashed back to her dream about beating Elliot.

"I'm afraid I will," she admitted. "I've had these strange dreams and I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm back at work and have to interrogate a suspect of sexual violence."

"Tell me about those dreams."

Olivia bit her lip. How could she tell him about _that_ dream? But she would have to, if she really wanted to overcome her fear of letting herself go with Elliot. It should be letting go in a positive way, nothing else.

"I ehm ... I had a dream where I was with Elliot, and in stead of making love to him, I beat him up like I beat up Lewis. It was horrifying."

"By _with_ Elliot, you mean in bed with Elliot."

She nodded, a little embarrassed.

"It made me feel like one of those people we put away for life," she said, her voice trembling again.

"And it scares you because you fear it may become real if you let yourself go with Elliot."

"Yes."

He didn't have a cut and dry answer for her. He could only encourage her to keep talking honestly about her fears and feelings with Elliot. It was something they could only do together. All Dr. Lindstrom could help her with, was to accept that she was only human, and that she had made a mistake. She hadn't been in the best frame of mind to make rational decisions, and she had acted on impulse.

"Just like a regular human being," Dr. Lindstrom added with a smile. "I know you want to be better than a regular human being but you will have to accept that you are not better than everyone else, and that you don't have to be."

"I don't think I'm better than everyone else," Olivia said, slightly annoyed at the suggestion. If anything, she thought she was worth less than everyone else.

"But you think you have to be."

Did she?

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."

That sounded familiar. It was what Kathy had said to her. And Elliot had agreed with her. Was she really too hard on herself? She was still thinking about it when she left Dr. Lindstrom's office. She felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders now that she'd talked about the beating with her therapist. He had promised her they would get back to all the aspects of what she'd told him in their next sessions, one by one. In retrospect, it hadn't even been as difficult to tell him as she'd imagined. She really was getting stronger and Dr. Lindstrom had confirmed that having Elliot by her side, and talking things through with him, was proving to be a very big part of her recovery. He did encourage her to keep coming to her sessions as well, because Elliot wasn't a professional. He was only human too and could only take so much. And he wasn't exactly a neutral party in her life. She appreciated his concern but she was certain there would be no way to keep Elliot away from her. Or her from him. And with a grin she decided, she was going to prove that today.

...

 **Santa Cruz, CA**

Elliot hadn't told Eli that they were meeting his mother's friend, only that they were going to see mommy at work. It was fine with Eli, who seemed to be adjusting to his life in Santa Cruz just fine. It eased Elliot's mind just a little. He would miss his son terribly but knowing that his boy was happy, was comforting. They spotted Kathy right away in the hospital cafeteria. The man sitting with her had his back turned to them, but stood up and turned around quickly when Kathy told him that they had company.

The man had an average, slender build and he was slightly shorter than Elliot. He was wearing a suit, but in a casual manner and without a tie. He had short brown hair, parted on the side, and his brown eyes were kind. Even if Elliot hadn't known what the man had been through, he would have been able to recognize the mix of sadness and resignation in his eyes. Kathy had also stood up behind her friend and looked at Elliot apprehensively. It amused him that she still wasn't convinced he wasn't going to hurt her boyfriend.

When Eli and Elliot reached their table, the men shook hands.

"Elliot Stabler."

"Peter Lattman. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too. I'm sorry to hear about your wife," Elliot offered.

"Thank you," Peter said softly. "As awkward as this may sound, it was _your_ wife that pulled me through the worst of it."

Elliot smiled at Kathy, who still looked nervous about the unusual encounter.

"Kathy is a very strong woman," he told Peter while still looking at his soon-to-be ex-wife. Kathy looked down at her shoes and was glad when Eli distracted all of them by tugging at her hand and speaking up.

"Mommy, who is this man?"

The adults all turned towards the young boy, and Kathy told him quickly that this was her friend Peter. Peter extended his hand and Eli took it hesitantly.

"Hi there, I'm Peter. What's your name?"

"I am Elliot Stabler Junior, but people call me Eli," Eli said firmly and Elliot's heart soared with pride.

"Well, Elliot Stabler Junior, I guess I will call you Eli then, too."

Eli nodded and looked back at his mother.

"Let's all sit down and I'll get Eli and his dad something to drink," Kathy said.

"Can I come mom? To see what they have?" Eli asked, and she nodded.

There was a brief uneasy silence between the two men as they sat down and waited for Kathy and Eli to return. They were sizing each other up, both thinking about what Kathy had told them about the other man. Elliot guessed Peter had the advantage, since he'd only just learned about the other man a day ago.

"Kathy speaks highly of you," Peter offered, "and she tells me that you are splitting up as friends. That's very rare these days."

Elliot nodded, clasping his hands in front of him on the table.

"We both made a lot of sacrifices for our family. We don't regret it but we've agreed that we both deserve to find out if life has more in store for us."

Peter nodded as well, and they both looked up, slightly relieved, when Kathy and Eli returned with coffee for Elliot and a glass of soda for Eli. Kathy looked between the two men, trying to assess their states of mind. Elliot gave her a small smile, determined not to make things difficult for her.

"You got kids?" he asked, trying to make conversation, but Peter shook his head sadly.

"Unfortunately, no," he said. "We tried for years but it wasn't meant to be in the end."

Kathy put a hand over Peter's reassuringly and Elliot tried to ignore the gesture, telling himself that this is what it was now. He had no right to mind because he was doing a lot more than holding hands with Olivia.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it. "If you stick with Kathy though, you're getting a boat load of them. Starting with our champ here," he added, wrapping an arm around his young son.

Eli was looking at the adults around him, and seemed to be catching on.

"Mom, is Peter your friend like Liv is daddy's friend?"

Kathy smiled nervously at her son and Elliot decided to help her. Eli was too smart for his age.

"That is very smart of you Eli. You're right. Peter is mom's friend like Liv is my friend."

"Oh," Eli said and he turned to Peter. "So you are going to sleep in mom's guest room?"

Peter was taken aback by the direct question and glanced at Kathy.

"I have my own house, Eli," he told the young boy.

"Where?"

Elliot smiled inwardly. Peter would have to get used to the directness of children.

"Los Angeles."

"That's very far away. You should use mom's guest room."

Elliot took a sip of coffee to hide his grin. His smile evaporated when Peter addressed him again though.

"Kathy told me what happened to your friend. I suppose she needs time to deal with all of it?"

Elliot nodded and put his cup down.

"She's getting better but ... there is still a way to go. Which explains the guest room," he added with a small smile while not looking at either Kathy or Peter.

"The man hurt Liv real bad," Eli chimed in, and once again Elliot realized that the five-year old was too smart for his age. "She show me her scars."

Kathy's eyebrows shot up and she looked at Elliot, who shrugged.

"He asked her to."

"Yeah," Eli confirmed. "The man wanted to write his name on her but she doesn't belong to the man. She belongs to herself," Eli stated as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Kathy gasped and picked up her coffee quickly to hide her shock. Peter's eyes searched Elliot's face for a clue how they should interpret Eli's words.

"Burns," Elliot said softly. "I haven't even seen them."

Peter finished his coffee and put down his cup.

"Well, relationships take time to build. Taking things slow usually is a good thing in the long run."

Elliot nodded. Olivia wasn't exactly a stranger to him but he wasn't going to elaborate on that, or on how long he had been in love with her. He glanced at Kathy who was smiling at Peter and rubbing his arm. He could see the love between the two and he decided it wasn't important to know how slowly they had been taking things. He just wanted to go back to New York. Back to Olivia. Back home.

...

...

 **A/N: Yes, I threw in Isabel Gillies' real second husband. He seems like such a nice guy. I only used the name and the looks, the rest is complete fiction, of course.**

 **In the next chapter we'll see how Olivia deals with the insights she is getting from her therapy, and how Elliot helps her do that ... The rating of this story may go up in the next chapter, so if you're not following me or this story, remember to adjust your filters before checking for new updates. Just sayin' ... ;)**


	55. Don't be afraid

**Alright, I waited a bit longer to upload this chapter so everyone would be all caught up before I changed the rating to M.**

 **Flight times are completely fictional, I have no idea of flight schedules to and from NYC and I don't really care either. It is reunion time! It's a long chapter but I couldn't cut this one short for obvious reasons. Heed the change in rating and read on at your own risk ... Enjoy!**

...

55.

After saying goodbye to Kathy and Peter and dropping off Eli at his friend Sam's place, Elliot began his journey back home. He had to be at the airport in San José by noon and would be travelling forward in time. It would be almost midnight in New York before he'd land at JFK. He had sent Olivia a text, letting him know his flight was leaving on time. She replied, asking him if there was anyone picking him up. He told her he'd just take a cab and would wake her up once he got home. He couldn't wait to see her again. He managed to get some sleep on the plane, which made the trip feel a lot shorter, and made him feel a lot less exhausted when he finally landed.

...

 **New York City**

Naturally, his duffel bag was one of the last bags to appear on the luggage carousel but he didn't mind. He was home and in just under an hour, he would see Olivia again. It was half an hour past midnight already when he grabbed his bag and started walking towards the exit of the airport. Even though he'd told Olivia to just go to sleep, he hoped she would wait up for him.

"El!"

Elliot frowned. Was someone calling him? He stopped, and another passenger bumped into him right away.

"Sorry," he mumbled, and he started walking again.

"Elliot!"

He stopped again and looked around. Someone _was_ calling him. Before he could even register who's voice it was, he saw her waving at him. His mouth fell open as he saw her jogging towards him and he dropped his bag to the floor quickly, right before Olivia jumped into his arms.

"Liv," he sighed into her hair. "What are you doing here?"

He released her to look at her and she was smiling widely.

"Picking you up, silly. What else?"

He pulled her close again and kissed her hard. He'd missed her more than he realized.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back a little softer until he softened as well and opened his mouth to grant her access. They drowned in each other and the heated kiss told them more than words could have at that moment. It had only been a few days but he had become her safety and she needed him close by. His strong arms enveloped her, almost crushing her, but it felt great. Safe. Home.

When they finally broke apart, they both smiled shyly and glanced around. Nobody was taking notice of them. Elliot looked behind him and picked up his bag.

"You brought the car?" he asked Olivia.

"Yes. It's right outside."

Olivia insisted on driving, since he would be tired after the long flight, and Elliot decided not to argue with her. He was glad she was feeling so confident again and had driven his car to the airport on her own. She hadn't seemed jumpy at all despite the crowd around them and since he didn't have to keep his eyes on the road, he took the opportunity to take her in. She was wearing those tight jeans again that accentuated her curves and her long legs, and the tight white t-shirt he'd drooled over before. The white sneakers on her feet gave her a very youthful look and he thought that she looked so much younger than she was. He'd always thought she looked much younger than her years. She was absolutely stunning.

"See something you like Stabler?" Olivia asked with a grin.

"Absolutely," he replied, not missing a beat and she laughed out loud.

She glanced at him and put a hand on his knee.

"I'm really glad you're back."

...

While they drove into the city, Elliot told her about his meeting with Peter, and Olivia told him about her therapy session. Elliot was very proud of her that she'd confided in Dr. Lindstrom and assured her that he would stand by her every step of the way.

"You are not evil Liv. And I think that deep down, you know that. You're feeling guilty that you made a mistake and that's okay. But that mistake doesn't define you. Just like what happened to you doesn't define you and your scars don't define you."

Olivia listened to his words and they seemed to make sense. But what did define her then? Suddenly, she remembered the wisest words she had ever heard come out of Brian Cassidy's mouth.

"We aren't defined by what we go through but by how we deal with it."

Elliot was surprised at her comment, that seemed to come out of nowhere. But it rang true. And if Olivia was defined by how she was dealing with everything she'd gone through, she was still the strongest human being on the planet, with the biggest, most caring heart of all. She seemed to be contemplating her own wise words, and he stayed silent, allowing her to think it over on her own.

It was very late when they got home and Olivia was tired. Elliot suggested they both hop in the shower and turn in, and asked her if she would join him for the night. He really just wanted to have her close to him and when she kissed him softly before they split up to take a shower separately, he knew she understood.

A little while later, they were lying in Elliot's bed, close together. It was still warm in New York and Elliot had just put on a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. Olivia wore one of her new nightgowns that ended mid thigh and had spaghetti straps. Anything with sleeves would be too hot, she'd decided. The extra skin contact with Elliot was just a bonus, so she told herself. Elliot was lying on his back and Olivia was in his arm on her side, her cheek resting against the side of his chest.

They talked for a little while about their days apart. Olivia was very happy for Kathy that she had found a man who loved her and thought the way they had gotten to know each other was very special. Elliot told her about little Eli and his innocent comments about Peter using his mom's guest room and Olivia chuckled. She agreed that it was wise to take it slow in a new relationship when it really mattered to do things right. Still, there was such a thing as going too slow as well, she thought. Elliot dismissed the idea, saying there was no time limit for these things. Each couple was different.

Olivia thought about his words for a while, thinking that they were a very different couple indeed. Elliot's eyes were closed but she knew he was still awake too. He was stroking her arm gently with his hand.

"El?"

"Hmmm?"

"I really, really want us to become closer. You know that, right?"

Elliot kissed her forehead gently.

"Of course I know that. I know it's just as hard for you as it is for me. Probably harder, because you're most likely feeling guilty about it on top of everything else. Am I right?"

Olivia moved her head so she could look into his eyes.

"Yeah. I guess so. I'm sorry Elliot."

"Don't be."

He turned on his side and wrapped his other arm around her as well while moving his face close to hers.

"Don't be sorry. I love you and I understand. We're taking baby steps but that's okay. I'm already so happy with what we have Liv. I'd given up all hope of a life with you, and look at us now."

She smiled. She could see he really meant it and it was true; they had come a long way already. She just couldn't help longing for more and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. Elliot moaned and the sound did things to her body that made her want to just crawl into him completely. One of her bare legs slipped between his and she pulled him closer as their tongues danced together. She grabbed his t-shirt and wished he wasn't wearing it so she could feel his bare chest against her. Elliot broke off the kiss to catch his breath and Olivia rolled on her back, looking at him intently.

"I've wondered what we would be like together for so long," she sighed.

Elliot placed a few kisses on her shoulder.

"Me too, Liv. Me too," he whispered.

"I'm just scared of myself El. It's not you, you do know that right?"

Elliot moved until he was leaning over her on his elbows, and ran a hand through her hair.

"I know," he said softly before kissing her again.

She wanted to pull him in tighter but he stopped her and looked into her eyes while summoning up the courage to make a suggestion.

"What if you didn't have to do anything Liv?" he asked her. "Would you be up for a little experiment?"

...

He knew he was making her nervous. He was nervous as well, but for a different reason. He wasn't sure how she would react to what he had in mind and he didn't want them to end up further apart than before. The goal was to help Olivia to start trusting herself again, and trusting her body, so they would become closer than before. But it would require a lot of trust in him as well, and he didn't want to betray her trust by crossing the line. The only problem was, neither of them knew where the line was. They would have to find out. That was what was making him nervous.

Olivia was trembling inside. She had only spoken with Dr. Lindstrom about her fears once and she wondered if she was ready for something more so quickly. Besides, she had no idea what Elliot had in mind. He had released her and had gotten up out of bed, switching on one small light on his nightstand. He walked to her side of the bed and then held out his hand. Olivia sat up, swinging her legs out of bed and put her hand in his. She looked up at him hesitantly as she stood up slowly, until their chests were almost touching.

"Liv, don't be afraid," Elliot said softly, but she knew he was tense as well. "Just sit down and relax."

He guided her down by her shoulders until she was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he kneeled in front of her. She leaned in to give him a small kiss on the lips, and she wasn't sure which one of them she was trying to reassure with the gesture. Elliot smiled as his hands smoothed over the outside of her thighs until they landed on her lower back.

"Now, I want you to know that I won't do anything you don't want me to do. Just say stop and I'll stop."

Olivia looked into his honest blue eyes and nodded.

"Also, I won't restrict your movements in any way. I promise. No hands."

Olivia swallowed hard. No hands?

Elliot knew he was making it very difficult for himself but this wasn't about him. It was all about Olivia now.

"No hands El? And I don't do anything either?"

Her voice was trembling and it was a mixture of uncertainty and excitement.

"Right. And no intrusion of your body at all."

Olivia blew out a breath slowly. She was intrigued. A little scared but her curiosity outweighed her fear.

"Okay. I'm interested."

Elliot felt himself twitch in anticipation and hoped he could keep it together for Olivia's sake. It wasn't about him, although he did hope he would reap the rewards in the long run.

"Just relax," he told Olivia again, and he planted her hands, palms down, next to her on the bed.

He placed his hands next to hers and sat up on his knees. He started by kissing her neck softly, just below her right ear. Olivia's eyes slipped shut and she felt his lips and his tongue move down slowly. When he reached her collarbone, he moved to her left, where he repeated his steps. Olivia tilted her head to accommodate him and sighed when he moved down again, placing open mouthed kisses on her skin until he reached her nightgown.

Her eyes flew open when he didn't stop there, but continued kissing her over the fabric of her nightgown. She gasped when he put his mouth over her left breast and bit down gently on her nipple, still staying on the outside of her thin nightgown. Elliot looked up at her face and she held her breath, but she didn't tell him to stop. He put his mouth over her nipple again and swirled his tongue over it, until her nightgown was so wet that it hardly mattered that the fabric was there anymore. It felt like he was kissing and licking her bare skin and Olivia closed her eyes again, her breathing picking up and her senses heightened at the erotic contact.

Elliot released her left breast and moved to her right breast. Her breath hitched and he smiled against the fabric of her nightgown. He was getting very hard very fast but the goal was to make Olivia enjoy herself and become more confident again about her body. He gave her right nipple the same treatment as her left one, until she was panting and leaning back on her hands, her eyes still closed. He was tempted to use his hands but he'd promised her he wouldn't, so he sat back on his heels to continue with what he had planned for her.

Olivia opened her eyes again and looked down when she felt Elliot's lips graze the inside of her right knee. Her heart was pounding so fast and her arms were trembling so hard that she wasn't sure if she could stay sitting upright for long. Elliot was being so respectful but at the same time, it was so incredibly sexy what he was doing to her. She missed his warmth on her nipples that were getting cold through her soaking wet nightgown. But a different kind of warmth started spreading through her body when he started kissing the inside of her knee, and worked his way up her inner thigh. He was pushing her nightgown up with his nose as he moved up her thigh and she remembered he had told her he wouldn't use his hands. She knew he had told her she shouldn't do anything but she pulled her nightgown up to her hips in one quick movement.

Elliot looked up at her and grinned. When he saw the look in her eyes, his heart thudded against his chest. There was a longing there, a lust even, that made his body respond in places he hadn't even know could respond to the intensity of such desire. She wasn't stopping him. In stead, she wanted more. He decided he needed a positive affirmation from her now, not just the absence of a 'no'.

"Do you want me to continue Liv?" he asked her softly, and his bedroom voice sent shivers down her spine.

"Yes," she croaked. "Yes, I do."

Elliot kissed the inside of her right thigh again, and made a wet trail as he went up. Olivia's legs fell open automatically and she sighed when he reached her panties. Her arms were shaking and she finally decided she didn't need to be sitting up for this. She lowered herself until she was flat on her back, her legs dangling off the bed, and covered her flushed face with her hands. Was this really happening? With Elliot? Her body jolted when Elliot put his warm mouth over her panties and applied some pressure there. Was that his tongue? Olivia gasped at the thought and felt a burn low in her belly that she hadn't felt in a very long time. She could feel his tongue move again, going up very slowly until he hit her most sensitive little spot.

She moaned and her arms hit the mattress. He could see her trying to grab something and he knew he must be doing something right. Even through her panties, she was intoxicating. The fabric was getting soaked and he didn't think it was just his tongue causing it. He needed to pull away for a bit, mostly for his own benefit, but he knew he would be throbbing for hours after this.

Elliot moved his mouth to the inside of her left knee and Olivia tried to catch her breath. But the anticipation was just too much, knowing where his hot mouth and agile tongue were headed next, again. She was grasping at the sheets, breathing heavily as flashes of excitement coursed through her entire body.

Elliot paused halfway her left thigh and the realization hit her that he had found her scar. She propped herself up on her elbows just in time to see him look at the patch of damaged skin, and then lean in to kiss it ever so tenderly. She could see tears in his eyes and swallowed hard herself. She wondered if she should say something, but Elliot had already resumed his ministrations and was on his way up to her panties again.

Olivia dropped her head back on the mattress and Elliot was amazed how easily she was allowing him to take control and how easily she was surrendering herself to him. He found her wetness again and moaned as he tasted her through the sheer fabric of her panties. Olivia moved now, lifting her left leg up until it rested on his right shoulder. He didn't know until then that it was physically possible to get any harder than he already was. But it was possible and it was getting painful.

He had said he wouldn't use his hands but he just had to make one small exception. He reached between her legs and hooked his index finger inside her panties, gently tugging the fabric aside to the right, so he could kiss her tender skin without any barriers between them.

Olivia gasped at the contact, feeling a new rush of heat inside her.

"Is this okay Liv?" she heard Elliot ask from between her legs, and she could feel his hot breath on her sensitive flesh.

She wasn't even sure if she could speak right now, but she tried.

"Yes. Oh God, yes."

It was more of a sigh than actual words leaving her mouth, but Elliot had heard her. He felt proud of the effect he was having on her. Olivia put her other leg on his other shoulder and before he could think too long about what they were doing, she locked his shoulders in with her legs, pulling him closer and making it impossible for him to pull back. So in stead, he pressed on, moving his lips, his tongue and his teeth over her throbbing center. He had the urge to grab her thighs but he'd promised not to use his hands, so after making sure her panties were staying where they were, out of the way, he spread his arms as wide as he could and grabbed the side of the bed to steady himself.

Olivia also needed to grab something and put her hands on her own breasts. She could hardly breathe with all these familiar and also very new, intense feelings rushing through her body. Her breathing was erratic and she was making high-pitched sounds each time she managed to exhale. When she felt Elliot suck on her most sensitive little bud, she even made a sound resembling a soft shriek when she inhaled quickly.

"El ..."

"Hmmmm," Elliot breathed against her sensitive body.

"Oh El," she sighed again.

Elliot couldn't stop and wasn't sure if she was asking him to. He wondered if he could come from just sucking on her and tasting her unique flavor and he had to make an effort not to push his tongue into her. But he'd promised her no intrusion of her body so he applied some much needed pressure around her entrance in stead. Olivia was starting to buck up and he knew she must be close to her release. His tongue slid up again and after a few powerful strokes from bottom to top, he knew she was teetering on the edge.

Olivia gasped again when he sucked on her again and again, working magic on her body with his tongue and teeth. She felt her climax build up deep inside her and tried to prolong the pleasure by squeezing her inner muscles. But without anything there to squeeze, all it did was enhance the ache inside her while her fluids were pushed out of her body.

Elliot moaned loudly when they hit his tongue and his lips and Olivia seemed to respond to the sound. Her hips were moving and he matched her movements with his mouth as they both moaned in sync and picked up speed.

She couldn't speak. She wanted to let him know she was on the brink of letting go but she couldn't form words. Then she heard and felt his low voice between their rhythmic movements.

"Liv ... Come."

It was all she needed and she let go, letting the waves of intense pleasure wash over her. She didn't make a sound and felt dizzy, as if she was flying in space and falling at high speed at the same time. She had never, ever had an orgasm like this and somewhere in the back of her head it registered that she was having two of them, one right after the other.

Olivia's body was convulsing against his face and Elliot decided he had kept his word, and was allowed to use his hands now that she had reached her release. He smoothed his hands along her thighs and just held her as she came down very gradually from her high. When her body finally stilled completely, he gingerly moved her panties back in place and released her legs. Olivia pulled her legs up, onto the bed, and pulled her knees up to her chest as she rolled onto her side. Elliot stood up, his legs shaking, and wiped his face quickly with his t-shirt before he half sat, half lay down beside her.

"Liv, are you okay?" he asked her softly.

Olivia looked up at him, still unable to speak but when she saw a hint of worry in his eyes, she managed to move. She reached out her hand to touch his face and smiled. Elliot leaned in closer and their eyes locked as he lay his head down next to hers.

She was okay. She was overwhelmed but okay. She was stroking his cheek and smiling.

"Did you have any flashbacks or weird thoughts Liv?" he asked her, brushing his lips against her forehead.

"No," she whispered. "That was just ... just ..."

She couldn't find the words and moved to kiss him in stead. When he returned her kiss passionately, she realized he wasn't done yet and she pulled back.

"El, what about you?" she asked, almost feeling guilty for forgetting about his needs.

He smiled and told her,

"Don't worry about me. You just relax here and I'll be right back. I'll just be a minute."

He managed to get into his bathroom and close the door before letting out an agonized groan. He was quite certain he wouldn't need more than a minute. His body needed a release desperately, or he wouldn't be able to get back into bed with Olivia. He grabbed a towel and gave in to his own need. Just thinking of Olivia's body, her taste still on his lips, he knew he would be done in a flash.

Olivia slowly regained control over her arms and legs, and rolled over until her head was on her pillow, and pulled the sheet up to her chest. Her entire body was still sensitive and she crossed her legs beneath the covers. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined Elliot going down on her like that. He'd been so respectful and so incredibly exciting. She hadn't thought of Lewis once and being a mostly passive participant, she had not been afraid to make a wrong move, and had just let herself go and enjoy what Elliot was doing to her. She was still taking deep breaths but gradually, her body calmed down. She thought she could sleep right now but she wanted to wait for Elliot to come back so she could thank him properly.

She heard his voice coming from his bathroom, saying her name, followed by a low grunt. Was he? He was. She felt a little guilty for not being able to give him what he needed but as soon as he returned and wrapped her in his arms, she knew there was no need. It had all been for her.

"I love you so much," he whispered in her neck as he held her close.

"I love you too El. More than you know," she whispered back.

He kissed her neck tenderly until Olivia pulled away to look into his eyes.

"How did you know?" she asked him.

"I didn't," he replied honestly, "but I thought it might help if you didn't have to do anything. That it might help you relax and not worry about doing something wrong."

She put a hand against his cheek and he could see the beginning of tears in her eyes.

"Thank you so much Elliot."

She had wanted to say so much more. To thank him for restoring her faith in her own body. For his patience and understanding. For making her feel like a woman again. But her voice broke and she couldn't speak anymore. Elliot just held her close and stroked her back as she let a few tears fall silently. Five minutes later, they were both sound asleep.

...

...

 **Please review and don't be embarrassed to admit you enjoyed that ... I know I did :))  
More to come soon.**


	56. The Morning After

**Thanks for all the wow's after the previous chapter, I'm glad you all enjoyed that! Reviews haven't been showing for a day or so. I'm sure it will be fixed soon. I received all your feedback in the e-mail notifications though, and your words are greatly appreciated. Now let's see what happens the morning after.**

...

56.

Olivia was the first to wake up the next morning. Daylight was already streaming in through the window and she glanced at the man sleeping next to her. He was lying on his stomach, his face turned towards her and his arms resting on either side of his pillow. She looked at his strong, muscular arms and shoulders and resisted the urge to touch him. She just wanted to look at him a little longer.

She had always known Elliot as a man who stood for something. Justice, the truth, doing the right thing. He was strong-willed. He knew what he wanted and sometimes, he'd be so fixed on the end goal, that he was totally closed off to other points of view. He had a temper and could be very intimidating. But deep down, she had always seen his heart as well. There was a tenderness there, a caring nature that he'd only show the children they came into contact with on the job. And his own kids. But Olivia had seen it too, and she was still amazed sometimes that his tenderness was now directed at her.

Last night had been ... she didn't have words. Amazing didn't do it justice. A roller coaster ride could be amazing. What Elliot had helped her experience was something from a totally different range of amazing. Not only because she'd reached a sexual climax that was indescribable, but because of what it had meant for her, for them, to be able to enjoy physical intimacy together after all these years. And after what she'd been through. Elliot had completely filled her senses, leaving no room at all for any other thoughts or feelings to disturb her. She felt liberated. She didn't know if she'd be ready for yet another step right away, but she did feel like she could breathe again. She wouldn't need to hold her breath each time they fondled each other or kissed a little too passionately. If there even was such a thing as too much passion now.

The only thing that had bothered her just a little, was the fact that Elliot's own physical needs hadn't been met. He had waved it off as unimportant but it mattered to Olivia. She still didn't want to be his project. They should be equals in their relationship, in every aspect of it.

She looked at his sleeping form again and wondered what it would be like to lie beneath him, feeling his warm skin and his strong muscles on top of her, between her legs, his hands touching every inch of her body and his mouth ... She was getting a little worked up at the thought and sighed, rolling on her back and covering her face with her hands. It reminded her of last night, again, when he'd been between her legs, licking and sucking her until her senses had exploded.

"Oh God," she sighed, and Elliot stirred.

Olivia tried to breathe slowly, and got up to go to the bathroom. She needed to get away from him for a minute.

"Liv, what's wrong?" Elliot mumbled sleepily, not bothering to lift his head.

"Nothing El. I'm just going to the bathroom."

"Come back soon."

She smiled and hurried out of the bedroom, wondering if this meant that they would be sleeping in the same bed from now on. She wouldn't mind, as long as Elliot was still okay with the way things were between them. And as long as it didn't create tension between them. She wasn't sure if she could deal with tension yet. Pressure from the outside world was fine, but not here. Not between her and Elliot. Not at home. She smiled again as she sat down on the toilet. Home had quickly become her new favorite word.

...

Elliot was waking up and wondered if Olivia was okay. He didn't think she'd had any bad dreams that night because he hadn't heard her. Then again, he'd slept like a log so maybe he just hadn't noticed. As he rolled on his back and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, the memories of the night before came back to him. He felt his body respond to just the thought of her soft body, her taste and the sounds she made when she was excited and he sat up abruptly. He couldn't start the day off horny as hell. He'd never get through the day now that Olivia was with him day and night.

He couldn't stop a grin from forming on his face. She was with him night and day now. He was home again. She was taking her time in the bathroom and he started to wonder if she would regret last night. They hadn't taken baby steps last night. It had been more like a giant leap forward, and the longer she stayed away, the more worried he became that maybe it had been too much at once for Olivia after all. He heard his bathroom door open and close, but she wasn't coming back. In stead, she headed for her own bedroom. Elliot jumped out of bed but stopped then. He stood still for a minute, the urge to charge after her competing with wanting to give her space. Before he could make a decision either way, he heard her door again. He sat down on the bed quickly and waited.

"Hey, you're up," Olivia said, smiling at him and walking up to him so she could sit in his lap.

She put a hand to his cheek and kissed him on the lips.

"Have I told you lately that I love you?" she said softly.

Elliot wrapped her in his arms and kissed her again.

"Yes, but you can tell me again," he said, enormously relieved that she seemed to be more than okay.

"I love you, Elliot Stabler."

"And I love you, Olivia Benson. _All_ of you," he added suggestively as he let his eyes roam her body. "So where did you go just now?"

Olivia laughed and stood up.

"What do you think? To change. My panties and nightgown weren't exactly fresh anymore after the way you ate me up last night."

Her eyes were shining and he didn't think he'd seen her this happy and carefree since her ordeal. He hadn't even noticed she had changed into a t-shirt and what appeared to be a pair of black boxer briefs. Did they make those for women now too? He reached for her and grabbed her hips when she stepped close to him willingly.

"That's an interesting piece of clothing," he said pensively while lifting her shirt up to take another peek.

Olivia laughed again and pushed against his shoulders until he let himself drop on his back, pulling her with him. She landed on his chest and rolled off him to his right immediately, laying next to him on her side.

"You really okay?" Elliot asked, looking into her big brown eyes.

"Hm hm," she hummed, nodding. "You?"

"Absolutely."

He rolled towards her and lifted his head to kiss her again, letting his hand glide from her waist down to her ass and over her long bare leg.

"I just love your legs," he sighed against her lips and she chuckled.

He slipped his hand between her legs and stroked her inner thigh while keeping his eyes fixed on hers. He let his hand rest on her left thigh and he felt her damaged skin under his fingertips. Olivia broke eye contact and Elliot sighed.

"Now how did that get there?" he asked, deciding that the topic of her scars shouldn't be something they would have to avoid every time.

Olivia sat up, nudging him out of the way, and looked at the scar on her thigh. Now that the scabs were gone, she could see the shape resembled her house key, only without the tip.

"I'm not sure," she said pensively while tapping the scar with her index finger. "I hadn't even noticed it at first. He must have burned me through my pants. I don't think he ever took my pants off me except when I had to pee. But I was passed out for hours at a time so who knows really," she added dejectedly. "But fortunately, this is the only one on my legs."

She didn't share details about her days with Lewis often, and Elliot committed the little bits of information to memory. He'd helped her go to the toilet? And she had been passed out for hours at a time. Who knows what that animal did to her during those long hours. He shuddered at the thought he might have raped her after all. The rape kit hadn't shown any evidence of a rape. He needed to hold on to that fact.

He placed his hand over Olivia's carefully on her thigh.

"Can I see the others?"

As soon as she looked at him, he realized he'd made a mistake. He shouldn't have asked. He saw it happening in her eyes. The shudders slammed shut before he could stop them.

"No."

She had sounded very confident but he knew she was anything but.

"I'm sorry ..." he started but the damage had already been done.

Olivia stood up and walked out of his room, and straight into her own room, closing the door behind her. Elliot sighed and wanted to kick himself. They had been doing so well, taking huge steps forward and he just had to ruin the moment and ask to see her scars. The most visible result of the biggest humiliation she'd suffered in her life. He decided to give her some time and got up to get dressed and make breakfast. He tried to reassure himself that she wasn't going to run. Not now. Not after telling him she loved him and needed him. As the minutes ticked away, he became more restless though. He tried to focus on making them a nutritious breakfast and some coffee but the uneasy feeling still wasn't going away.

...

Olivia regretted walking out on Elliot almost immediately after she'd closed the door to her room. It really wasn't his fault but pondering over the small scar on her thigh had brought back vivid memories of Lewis and the sickening things he'd done to her. She wasn't thinking of Mrs. Mayer or the beating now, just those long hours he'd spent hitting and kicking her, forcing alcohol and drugs down her throat, spitting on her and licking her; even masturbating in front of her and making the vilest comments about her body and what he was going to do to it. She hadn't given a detailed account of her conversations with Lewis, or rather his filthy monologues. She had tried not to respond but sometimes she just couldn't help it.

 _"You're kind of a contradiction, aren't you. All feminine curves, tight shirts, pouting lips and long hair. But you're actually pretty butch too. I wanna bet you're into women as much as men. Maybe even more. Am I right? Olivia?_

 _No answer huh? Well, I'll take that as a yes then. Let's see ..."_

 _He sat down on the floor next to her and slipped his hand between her legs. It had to be the twentieth time he'd done that so far and she tried to stay still, but she couldn't stop a soft groan from escaping her throat._

 _"Ah, you like that huh?"_

 _He pressed his thumb against her center and watched her face intently for a reaction._

 _"It's all hands when it's just you girls, of course. Or do you use accessories? I'm sure you do. Can't really have fun without one of these."_

 _He grabbed himself through his pants and gave his own package a squeeze._

 _"Oh, wait. There's the tongue too of course."_

 _She held her breath when he leaned over her and wondered if this was it. If this was the moment he'd undress her and start violating her._

 _"Naah," she heard him say. "Nothing compares to the real thing. You'll find out soon and you won't know what hit you. I promise, I'll ruin you for all other men. And women too. You'll never get over me."_

 _He jumped up, clearly getting aroused with all the self-praise, and started pacing around her, unzipping his pants once again and putting his hand inside, squeezing and rubbing himself and licking his lips. She was still on the floor of her apartment, arms tied behind her back and feet bound together, but no longer strapped to the chair. Images of his previous crime scenes flashed through her mind and she couldn't deny that she was afraid. It was genuine, tangible fear running through her veins. She had no idea what his plans were and why he was getting himself worked up so regularly, only to relieve himself with a hand job afterwards. Was he just getting off on her powerlessness? Did he even have a plan?_

Olivia tried to shake off the memories. They always took her to such a dark place and she didn't want to carry that darkness around with her. She went into her bathroom to splash some water in her face and then pulled some clothes out of the closet. It was still a beautiful summer so she opted for shorts that ended just above the knee - so her scar would be covered - and a loose sleeveless shirt. She checked her armpits and decided she needed a shave. Paying attention to her own body always helped her to relax and return to the present. She was here now, and she was safe. With Elliot.

Different memories surfaced, of the previous night. Olivia's stomach clenched. It had been so hot. She had felt completely safe with Elliot without knowing what he was going to do. She'd been nervous, yes. But not because she didn't feel safe. She used to have these secret fantasies about Elliot's strong body, although she would never had admitted it back then. But never had she imagined what his mouth could to her. She took a deep breath and put a hand to her stomach. She shouldn't start the day off horny as hell. She'd never get through the day with Elliot around 24/7.

She realized she should go find Elliot and let him know she was okay. She scolded herself mentally that she hadn't thought of that sooner. She didn't want to worry him. She checked her reflection in the mirror one last time and sprayed some extra perfume on her chest before heading towards the kitchen.

...

"Hmmm, something smells good."

Elliot looked up, surprised and relieved to see her walking over to him as if she hadn't shut down on him earlier. He was stirring his scrambled eggs and smiled at her when Olivia stood next to him in the kitchen and put her arm around his waist.

"You okay now?" he asked.

"Yeah. Sorry about earlier. It was just ... well, too many bad memories. I just needed some time to shake them off. It's all good now."

Elliot put down his spatula and turned towards her, placing his hands on her hips.

"Are you sure?" he asked her and she gave him her best smile.

"Yes. I'm sure. I'm good. We're good."

Elliot blew out a breath and leaned his forehead against hers.

"I'm sorry Liv," he started, but Olivia put two fingers on his lips quickly.

"No need. You couldn't have known. Please don't feel guilty when I'm having a flashback. It's not your fault."

Elliot reached up to take her hand in his, and kissed her fingers softly.

"Maybe not, but it hurts me when you hurt."

"I know," she whispered, closing her eyes.

Elliot leaned in and captured her lips with his. She responded immediately and the scrambled eggs were totally forgotten as they lost themselves in a kiss that conveyed all of their love for and their trust in each other. When they finally broke apart, Elliot grinned at her.

"Now we should eat, before I get too hungry and start eating you."

Olivia bit her lip and looked up at him seductively.

"You can eat me anytime you like."

...


	57. Making a Difference

**My apologies to those who were expecting another smutty episode after the last chapter - heheh. Don't worry, I have another one for you in store after this one ... We need a little content first to make sure the story progresses. Enjoy!**

...

57.

It had taken some effort, but Elliot had managed to withstand the temptation of taking Olivia to bed again right away. They ate their breakfast and went out for a run. Elliot would have to work that afternoon so they just hung out in the park for a while, catching some sunrays until he had to leave. Olivia would join him at the gym later for her own workout and that evening's self-defense class.

The kids in his class had done well and Elliot told them he was very proud of each one of them. They were all making progress in their own way, and a few of them had started losing some weight already. He had noticed that one of the girls had been quieter than usual. She wasn't very outspoken to begin with, but she had hardly said a word at all during class, not even when he praised her for her new record of ten pushups. She was one of the kids helping him put away all the stuff they'd used and he decided to stay nearby, just in case she wanted to tell him what was bothering her. When he saw her moving towards the dressing rooms, he decided to call her.

"Cindy, wait up."

Cindy turned around, a little surprised, and looked up at him.

"Yes Mr. Stabler?"

"Hey, I just noticed you were very quiet today. You doing alright?"

Cindy sighed and he asked her to sit for a minute. They sat down on a bench along the wall of the gym and Elliot glanced at the girls' profile. She was about eleven he figured, with straight blonde hair that ended just over the shoulder. She was clearly overweight and she was usually out of breath very quickly. Her pink training suit was very tight around her body. She was making some progress though and he knew that as she would go through puberty in a few years time, the so-called ugly duckling might very well turn into a beautiful swan. She just needed a boost of confidence.

When she didn't say anything, Elliot decided to prod a little more.

"Everything okay at home Cindy?"

He saw an immediate flash of discomfort flit across her face and he realized he was onto something. Her whole demeanor reeked of _victim_.

"Cindy? Is someone hurting you?"

The girl looked at him in shock, and there was fear in her eyes.

"Why do you say that?" she almost yelled. "Don't say that."

"Cindy, listen to me. Before I came to work here, I used to be a police officer. I have put a lot of people in prison who had hurt children. Girls like you. If someone is hurting you, you have to tell someone so they can be punished."

Cindy shook her head vigorously.

"No no no."

"Why not honey? Did he say you would be punished if you told?"

Cindy was practically shutting down, and turned away from him. She put her feet up on the bench and pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her knees and hiding her face. Elliot didn't need more proof that there was something seriously wrong at Cindy's home. He told the girl to wait there and rushed to his locker to get his phone. He called Olivia and asked her if she could come to the gym early.

"I have a girl here and I think someone is abusing her. She won't admit it and I thought maybe she'd talk to a woman. Can you come over right away?"

...

Olivia didn't even need to think about it. She changed quickly and decided to jog to the gym. If this girl was really being abused, she might not even get to her workout today so an extra run would have to do. When she arrived, she quickly spotted the young girl, sitting next to Elliot on a bench.

"Cindy? I told you about my friend, right? She talks to girls all the time who are being hurt like you. She's here now."

Cindy looked up with fearful eyes, and Olivia's heart melted for her instantly. She sat down next to her and Elliot got up.

"I'll leave you two beautiful girls alone for a bit, okay?"

Olivia smiled at him and put a hand on Cindy's back carefully.

"Hi. I'm Olivia. What's your name?"

"Cindy."

"So, your trainer tells me that you may be in some trouble. You wanna tell me about it?"

Cindy shook her head. She had expected that.

"Well, can you tell me about your home then? Do you live with your mom and dad?"

Cindy nodded, but then corrected herself.

"No. He's my stepdad."

"Okay. So you live with your mom and your stepdad. Where is your own dad?"

Cindy shrugged.

"I've never seen him. He left before I was born."

"And do you have any brothers and sisters?"

"Just one. But he's not a real brother. He's my stepbrother."

"How old is your stepbrother?"

"Nineteen."

"And how long have they been living with you and your mom?"

"Almost four years."

Olivia now had two suspects, if the abuse was indeed happening at home. She then asked Cindy about school, her teachers and classmates, and friends and neighbors. Elliot had brought them both a drink and Cindy was finally relaxing a bit.

"You're pretty," the girl told Olivia. "I bet you have a lot of friends."

Olivia smiled.

"Don't you have a lot of friends?"

Cindy shook her head.

"Ugly girls don't have friends. I'm fat and ugly."

"Who is saying that about you, Cindy?"

Cindy frowned and remained silent.

"Honey, I know you're a bit heavy, but you're working on that now. But you are a beautiful girl."

Cindy shook her head.

"No I'm not. That's why I need _other qualities_."

She had sounded very bitter and made hand quotes when she said 'other qualities'. Olivia blew out a breath slowly. What other qualities? She was beginning to get an idea. Who had been filling this young girls' head with these lies? And what had they been making her do?

"Cindy, look at me please."

The girl looked up at her.

"Anyone who makes you do something you really don't want to do, is not your friend and never will be. And they don't deserve to be your friend either."

Cindy bit her lip.

"Who is telling you that you need other qualities to get friends? Your dad?"

Cindy shook her head.

"Your brother?"

Cindy bowed her head. Olivia wrapped an arm around her shoulders and could feel the girl trembling. She leaned her head on Cindy's head and kissed her forehead.

"Oh my baby, what did he do to you," she sighed, and a lone tear trickled down her cheek, falling on Cindy's nose.

Cindy looked up at her, her eyes wide.

"Why are you crying, Olivia?"

Olivia sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"I'm sorry honey. It just hurts me to know someone is lying to you and hurting you."

"Really?"

Cindy was astonished.

"Yeah. Really. It's so unfair."

"You mean you care about me?"

Olivia wrapped both arms around the girl now.

"Of course I care about you. And we have to fix this and punish your brother."

"Stepbrother."

"Right."

...

Elliot had been watching from a distance. It was nothing short of a miracle to see a closed-off, insecure victim open up and come to life a little again. And he could see it happening right now. The young girl was crying now, and clinging to Olivia, who was also crying a little. The talked softly and he could tell Cindy was talking more now. And nodding as Olivia spoke to her. Olivia was holding Cindy's hands in hers and stressing her words by shaking her hands as she spoke. Cindy nodded again. And then they looked at him. Olivia tilted her head, telling him without words that it was okay to come over.

"Cindy is ready to talk to our friends at the station," she told him. "So I'm going to take her there."

Elliot wanted to come along, but Olivia reminded him that he was still working, officially. He wondered if she was ready to go back to the station but she told him she'd be fine. She would have to be, for Cindy's sake. She would call Amanda to ask if she could pick them up and take Cindy's statement. She would stay with the girl and make sure she was taken good care of, she told him, holding Cindy's hand reassuringly between hers. He knew he needed to let her do this and that it would be another step for her towards a full recovery. He still had a few hours to go at the gym and let Olivia go to take care of his little prodigy. Cindy thanked him for getting Olivia and said she'd definitely be back next week.

Both girls stayed on his mind the whole time he was at the gym. He'd texted Olivia if she though she'd be back in time for her self-defense class and she replied fifteen minutes later that she wasn't coming back. She would go straight home once they were done for the night with Cindy. She had stayed with the girl while Amanda took her statement, and would stay with her until Amanda got word from Fin that the stepbrother had been arrested. After that, she would take Cindy home and talk to the parents to make sure she would be safe at home now, and looked after.

She didn't come home until late and was completely exhausted. Elliot had been waiting for her and got up from the couch to give her a big hug.

"You were great with Cindy," he sighed.

Olivia closed her eyes and just leaned against him. She was so tired but it had felt good to be doing something again to help another person.

"Thanks," she whispered. "I just wanna sleep now."

"Want some company?"

"Please."

A while later, they were in Elliot's bed, snuggled up together and just happy to be together.

"Her stepbrother had actually convinced her she would have to learn to please men, or she'd end up alone and miserable."

"Asshole," Elliot grunted, and Olivia couldn't help smiling a bit.

"Yeah. He made her give him blowjobs, and had just started forcing her to have sex with him a few days ago. Last night was the second time."

"Dammit! I should have seen it sooner," Elliot said angrily. "If I'd noticed sooner, he wouldn't have raped her like that."

Olivia stroked his chest gently.

"You couldn't have known El. And ironically, we wouldn't have had proof if he hadn't. They think they actually got a decent DNA sample at the hospital."

"That _is_ ironic," Elliot agreed.

Olivia had gone to the hospital with Cindy and the girl had agreed to a vaginal swab and exam. They hadn't done a full rape kit and Olivia had assured the doctor and nurse that the swab and the exam would have to do. Fin called her at the hospital to let her know they'd found traces of semen in Cindy's bed and in one of her panties so they had enough evidence. No need to humiliate the young girl any further.

"The stepdad is furious with his son," Olivia said. "He's really a good guy. Cindy climbed in his lap and the man cried as he held her. Said she'd never called him daddy before."

Elliot was relieved that Cindy would have a safe home from now on. Olivia told him that she would call a rape crisis counselor in the morning to pay the family a visit, to help them find ways to deal with what had happened. Elliot listened to Olivia's voice and could here the fire there. Her commitment to her job and to helping victims heal and get justice. It was still what she lived for, despite everything that had happened to her.

He kissed her forehead and pulled her close.

"Welcome back, detective."

Olivia lifted her head to look at him.

"Do you really think I'm back El?"

Elliot looked at her and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I know you have some more healing to do," he replied, "but if you wait until you've dealt with everything that's ever gone wrong in your life before you start living again ..."

"I'd never have a life again."

Olivia rested her head on Elliot's shoulder. Maybe he was right. It had felt so good to make a difference in Cindy's life. Maybe she was ready to go back to work. She would have to talk to Dr. Lindstrom about it next Tuesday.

...

They spent Thursday and Friday together leisurely, enjoying the summer. They slept in Elliot's bed together and Olivia was grateful that she felt absolutely no pressure from Elliot to move forward in their physical relationship. Even when their kissing and touching had heated up, she hadn't felt compelled to take things further or encourage Elliot to do so.

Her thoughts about going back to work were beginning to take shape and she'd called Cragen to ask him if there would be a spot for her right away if she wanted to come back. Cragen was a little hesitant, wondering if it wasn't too soon, but he told her there would definitely be a spot for her if Dr. Lindstrom gave her the green light to go back to work.

Elliot missed Eli and spent some time chatting with his son on Skype on Friday. Eli was doing fine and a few times, he mentioned Peter in their conversation. While Elliot was genuinely happy for Kathy that she had found someone to love, it did sting a little that the man was spending time with his son, and possibly bonding with him as a father figure. Olivia tried to reassure him, telling him Eli knew full well who his daddy was and would never want to replace him. He knew that, but it was still another man spending time with his son. It made him realize, he needed to spend more time with his other son as well. There was mutual respect between Elliot and Dickie but there had always been some kind of strain as well. Elliot just hadn't been around enough when Dickie was growing up, and felt like maybe he had failed to be a good role model to Dickie.

After Elliot was back from work, Olivia suggested that he ask Dickie to spend a day with him, just to catch up and hang out, doing whatever it was that guys did. Elliot was a little hesitant but after Olivia called him a chicken, he finally called his son to set something up. Dickie was surprised but said he didn't have any plans, so they would spend the next day, Saturday, together.

"Alright, great. I'll pick you up from campus then, say 10 o'clock?"

He sensed that his son hesitated and wondered why. Dickie's next words explained it all.

"Dad ... if it's okay with you, I'd like to come over and say hi to Olivia. I haven't seen her at all since ... you know."

"Oh sure son, I'm sure Olivia will be very happy to see you," Elliot said quickly.

He looked at Olivia, who was sitting next to him on the couch, for confirmation. Olivia nodded and smiled so he told Dickie that she was indeed looking forward to seeing him. After finishing up with his son, he turned towards where Olivia had been sitting, but she had somehow vanished from her spot on the couch.

Olivia had been watching Elliot as he Skyped with Eli earlier in the day and then talked to Dickie just now, and she had seen him tense up. He would clench his jaw, the muscles in his neck would start to bulge a bit and he would ball his hands into fists. He didn't get as worked up anymore as he used to on the job, but she still recognized the tells. She wanted to help him relax a bit, and when she sensed he was going to wrap up his call with Dickie soon, she dashed off to grab a few things from her room and then went into Elliot's bedroom. Or ... was it _their_ room now?

Elliot stood up and looked around. Olivia wasn't in the living room and she wasn't in the kitchen either. He figured she might be up to something and he put away their drinking glasses, switched off the lights in the kitchen and all but one of the lights in the living room, before he walked into the hallway leading to the bedrooms.

"Liv?" he said. "Where are you? What are you doing?"

He stopped to listen when he heard quick footsteps in his bedroom.

"El, I'm in here!"

...

 **A/N: Hmmm. What is Olivia up to?**  
 **You know the drill: more reviews means faster updates :)**


	58. Surprise

**A big THANK YOU to all my faithful readers, members and guests alike. This story has over 600 reviews now and I'm grateful to all of you for sticking with me so far.**

 **To the guest reviewer commenting on the 57 chapter buildup: I hope you've noticed that I had two _years_ to cover before getting to this point ;) We had to wade through two other relationships before I could introduce Elliot as Olivia's man, remember? When I started writing this, I had NO IDEA that Tucker would ever come into the picture. (Who did?) It would have been disastrous if I had taken him into consideration - like a 5 year buildup ... 2 years was tough enough to bridge. 5 years wouldn't have happened though. There is no way Elliot would not have reached out to Olivia after Lewis (if he knew about it). Huge mistake from the writers there - they can't let her go through something like that without accepting the inevitable consequence: the return of Elliot.**

 **To the guest reviewer who pointed out to me that a parent or guardian would have had to consent to gathering of forensic evidence from Cindy at the hospital in the previous chapter: thank you for pointing that out! I hadn't thought about it. I may edit the previous chapter to include asking the mother for consent. In any case, you all may pretend she was called. :)**

 **Back to the story now: Let's see what Olivia is up to in the bedroom. Enjoy!**

...

58.

 _"Liv?" he said. "Where are you? What are you doing?"_

 _He stopped to listen when he heard quick footsteps in his bedroom._

 _"El, I'm in here!"_

Olivia held her breath when the bedroom door opened slowly. Was she sure she wanted to do this? Was she ready? Elliot peeked around the door and once she saw his bright blue eyes go wide and his mouth fall open, she knew she wanted to do this. For him.

Elliot froze in the doorway and took in the sight before him. Olivia had turned down the bed and was lying on her side, propped up on one elbow, facing the doorway and lit only by candlelight from two candles on the nightstands. She was looking at him expectantly but his eyes were mostly drawn to her cleavage. He couldn't help it, he was just a man after all. She was wearing her black pushup bra, which created a mouthwatering view for him. Over it, she was wearing a top he hadn't seen before. It was black lace, probably with black lining as well because he couldn't really see through the lace. Naturally, he would notice that right away. The straps were thin, and the entire thing barely covered her hips. She was wearing one of those women's boxer briefs again and her long bare legs seemed to go on forever. It was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen in his life.

When his eyes finally met hers, she smiled nervously. What was her plan? Elliot wasn't sure but he was eager to find out.

"Lie down El," Olivia said, patting the space next to her. "Just take your shirt off first."

"Yes ma'am," Elliot said quickly, whipping his shirt off and tossing it on the bed within a second.

He was going to ask her if she was up for some takeout, but their late dinner would have to wait. If she was ready to play seductress, he was more than ready to submit to her.

As Elliot lay down on his back as instructed, in just his shorts and underwear, Olivia admired his muscular body once again. She wanted to help him relax but that wasn't all she wanted to do. He deserved so much more, for his patience and his love and the way he was looking out for her and helping her get back on her feet. She wanted to please him. To show him how much she loved him. To satisfy him.

She climbed on top of him, straddling him at the waist, and told him to just relax while she let her hands glide over his muscular torso. Elliot shifted a little to give room to his own physical reaction to Olivia's appearance and her touch.

"You're supposed to relax," Olivia said softly, "not get worked up."

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you changed," Elliot grumbled, eyeing her luscious body and rubbing her bare thighs.

Olivia laughed and squeezed his shoulders, using her strong hands to find a few kinks in his muscles while enjoying the feeling of his body under her fingertips. She leaned over him and took a deep breath when he looked into her eyes, asking her without words what she had planned for him. He was apprehensive and she told him again to relax.

"Right. Come look at this from my angle. See if you could relax," he said, earning him another hearty laugh from Olivia.

She was leaning forward now, smoothing her hands over his chest and back up to his shoulders and neck, and his eyes were drawn to her breasts once again while his hands moved up from thighs to her waist. He thought she was completely overdressed, and reached for the straps of her top and bra. Olivia swatted his hands away.

"No no. That's not part of the plan."

"Shit," Elliot said under his breath. "So what is?"

Olivia leaned in again, until her chest touched his and her mouth was close to his ear.

"You'll see. Just let it happen."

His stomach was doing backflips while his manhood was trying summersaults. This was a side of Olivia he had never seen before. She seemed so confident now, almost as strong as she had been before the assault. And the sexiness. He'd never seen that back then and he wondered if she'd always been such a sex bomb in bed. Her hands were moving down his chest again, then back up to find his shoulders, and back down along his arms, until she took his hands in hers. While holding on to his hands, she scooted back a little, until she was straddling his knees. Elliot let out an involuntary groan when she leaned forward again to kiss his stomach, trapping him between her breasts in the process. She had done that deliberately, no doubt about it.

Elliot held his breath when Olivia started kissing her way down slowly. He had already been excited but his heart was pounding violently now. She was still holding his hands, so he couldn't do anything to either stop her or move her along. He wanted to touch her, desperately, and tried to pull his hands from hers.

"No," Olivia whispered, and it was enough to stop him.

She was in full control now. He realized she needed to be in control. She released his hands now, but put her hands over them again briefly, to let him know he shouldn't use them.

His eyes told her he had understood, so she moved her hands to his chest again, and slid them down until they were level with her face. Her trail of kisses had stopped at his shorts but they were going to have to come off now. She swallowed. She had never seen him naked before. He was throbbing. She could feel him pressing against her chest, as if he was trying to pierce his clothes. There was no way back now.

When he felt her unbutton his shorts, he raised his hips to allow her to take them off. He couldn't believe she was actually going to do this. He was twitching again as she pulled off his shorts first and then his boxer shorts, freeing his erection. She was moving all the way back to tug his clothes down until she could pull them off his ankles. He watched her movements, his eyes going to her cleavage again, and to her long legs as she crawled back up his naked body.

When she reached her destination he closed his eyes briefly, surrendering to her and what she was doing to him. His body jolted at the first touch of her lips and he looked at her again. She was starting at the base, placing a few soft, open-mouthed kisses there before running her tongue up his length. He worried that he might come from just the idea of her mouth on him, and he could already picture himself squirting all over her face. He laughed nervously at the thought, and Olivia answered him with a wide smile over his bobbing tip.

"You happy baby?" she asked softly and he nodded fervently.

"Oh yeah."

He saw her tongue dart out and lick him, and he bucked up involuntarily. Olivia ran her tongue around his tip before closing her mouth over it, and Elliot moaned loudly.

"Liv," he sighed, "I love you so much."

His spontaneous declaration of love gave her courage to continue. A few images of a different man showing her his manhood flashed through her mind but she pushed them out by focusing on Elliot's face. He was built much better anyway. He was so big and she felt something burning in her belly when she took him in a little deeper. She had positioned herself between Elliot's legs on her knees, giving herself room to work while she could steady herself against his thighs if necessary. He was such a beautiful man and he deserved to be loved this way.

She put her hand around him and started moving her mouth and her hand simultaneously. He was rock-hard and started squirming a bit as she continued stroking and licking him. He hissed when she started picking up the pace, squeezing him a little harder with her hand and sucking him. She closed her eyes when she took him in even deeper, willing herself to think only of Elliot and not Mrs. Mayer, who had been forced to take Lewis this way. She opened her eyes again and let her free hand glide up Elliot's abdomen. Seeing and feeling his body helped her focus on the present, and she continued pleasing him with renewed energy.

Elliot gasped at the intensity of the feelings coursing through his body and tried to reach Olivia with his hands. He could only grab her hand that was caressing his stomach and their eyes locked as Olivia moved up, removing her mouth from his body for a moment. There was a lust in her eyes that made him even more eager to touch her. As if reading his mind, Olivia crawled over him until she could kiss him hard. She moaned as he tangled one hand in her hair and cupped her breast with the other hand.

He kissed her until she granted his tongue access and Olivia dropped her body weight on Elliot, unable to keep herself up anymore. He wrapped both arms around her and held her close as he devoured her mouth and Olivia could hardly breathe. She felt him press hard against her thigh and reminded herself of why she had started this in the first place. She broke off the kiss and looked into Elliot's eyes.

"I'm not finished with you yet," she said, her voice hoarse with emotion. Or was it arousal?

She moved her body back down his slowly, kissing his chest, licking both his nipples languidly and then kissing her way down his abdomen until she reached his rock-hard length again. His breath hitched when he saw her let some saliva drip from her mouth onto his tip. She then took him in her hand and used her thumb to smooth out the fluids before she closed her mouth over him once again, grazing the soft, smooth surface with her teeth a few times before sinking down further over him. Her movements were becoming focused, and she soon found a rhythm with her hand and mouth that propelled Elliot's body into action. His hips started moving on their own accord and as Olivia picked up the pace, so did he. He tried not to buck up too much but he couldn't control his body anymore. Olivia seemed completely undeterred and took him in even deeper as his movements became more frantic.

He was starting to moan and grunt, grabbing the sheets and trying unsuccessfully to control himself. He tried to hold back for as long as possible and tangled a hand in Olivia's hair again to have at least some part in this adventure. Olivia was totally focused on pleasing him and when he took in her relaxed face, eyes closed, sucking him as if he was the most delicious thing she'd ever eaten, he knew it would be alright to let go. When she took him in all the way, pushing her hands underneath him and grabbing his ass with both hands, he was done.

"Liv!" he called out.

She just moaned loudly in response, making him buck up even harder.

"Shit!" he shouted.

His body started to shake and he couldn't stop himself anymore. Olivia continued relentlessly, trapping him between her hands and her tongue and throat, and with a loud yell he exploded in her mouth. Without any hesitation, Olivia took in everything he was giving, almost swallowing him whole, moaning and moving with him as the waves of excitement hit his body. She didn't release him until his body had stilled completely, and even then she took her time, moving up his softened shaft slowly until it dropped from her lips. She licked a few drops off him and licked her lips before sliding up his body to kiss him. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and kissed her passionately. He tasted himself on her lips and it was sexy as hell. Her kiss was equally passionate and Elliot had to break it off to catch his breath. Olivia slipped off him to his right side and nesteled herself against his trembling body, stroking his chest with one hand. He looked at her glowing face and he was in awe. Olivia just smiled and rested her head in the crook of his neck, kissing the skin there softly.

"Liv," Elliot whispered, "you are amazing."

She just held him a little tighter and Elliot wrapped his right arm around her shoulders.

"I just thought you deserved a little surprise."

A _little_ surprise? He couldn't help wondering what else she might have in store for him as they moved forward in their relationship, and just the thought made his body respond again already. She was making him feel young and he kissed her again, letting his left hand glide down her back until he could cup her perfect ass. Olivia moved her leg over his leg and pressed herself against him, and Elliot wondered if she would let him touch her again now that she was clearly worked up herself.

"Hey, how 'bout you?" he said softly against her lips.

"That's okay El, it was your turn," Olivia said, and she really meant it.

Olivia had wanted to please him but she wasn't objecting when Elliot continued touching her, squeezing her ass and then moving his hand between their bodies to find the front of her boxer briefs. Her body was reeling and although her mind was telling her this had been all for Elliot, her body was broadcasting a different message. She wondered briefly if her tight shorts would be a challenge for Elliot but gasped when he moved his flat hand up her stomach a bit and then slid his hand down her shorts effortlessly in one movement. His big, warm hand cupped her and she rolled onto her back automatically, spreading her legs a bit to give him more room. She was soaking wet already after almost devouring Elliot and it didn't take much to make her moan softly.

Elliot used his forefinger and ring finger to spread her a little before pressing his middle finger into her hot wet center, penetrating her by just half an inch. He moved his hand back up until his wet middle finger found her little nub of pleasure. He watched her face as he rubbed her nub gently with two fingers, drawing small circles over and around it. The feeling of her softness under his fingers and seeing her eyes flutter closed and her plump lips part as she moaned softly again, was making him semi-hard and gave him new energy to bring Olivia to a high as well.

His need for her to be happy and content, and have a healthy sex life again, was like an almost painful weight on his chest. He propped himself up on his right elbow while continuing his ministrations of her body with his left hand. He leaned over her and kissed her deeply while pressing his middle finger into her again. Olivia's arms flew up and for a split second he thought she was going to stop the intrusion. In stead, she pulled him closer while bucking up against his hand.

Her need for this to happen surprised even herself but there would have been no stopping it now anyway. She pushed her hips up while pushing her tongue against his, hoping that Elliot would get the message. When he slid his thick finger in further, Olivia bit his lower lip and then sucked it, surprised to be tasting blood. Before she could check if he was okay, Elliot had resumed the intense kiss, pushing her down harder on her back while adding a second finger. She bucked up again and spread her legs wider.

Elliot hooked his left leg around Olivia's left leg, trapping her leg between his, and pressed his nakedness against her thigh as he started pumping his fingers in and out of her gently. Her shorts were restricting his movements a bit but the fabric stretched enough to give him room to twist his hand, looking for the perfect angle to please her. His thumb found her little nub again and Olivia moaned loudly, breaking the kiss to catch her breath.

She looked up into his bright blue eyes and saw love and lust mixed together, and it made her want to do more for him. Her hips were still moving with his movements, grinding into his big hand, her body gripping his fingers and pulling him in deeper. She moved her left arm, that had been lying idly between them so far, and went for his hardness again. He was already throbbing with excitement a second time and groaned when she wrapped her hand around him firmly. He stopped riding her thigh and stilled his hand, his fingers still inside her.

"Don't stop," Olivia sighed and he looked down at her flushed face.

He pulled his fingers out completely and rubbed her sensitive flesh slowly from bottom to top before plunging the two fingers back in with more force.

"Ugh," Olivia said, arching her back and grabbing him a little tighter.

As soon as Elliot started pumping his fingers in and out again, Olivia started moving her hand. Elliot never knew he could be up for a second round this quickly but what this woman could do to his body was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. He saw Olivia grabbing her right breast with her free hand and he leaned in quickly to kiss her left breast. She was still wearing the bra and top but even through two layers of clothing, he could feel her hardened nipple.

Olivia kept her eyes closed and feeling everything simultaneously drowned out any fear or memories that might have frozen her. She was squeezing her breast with one hand and Elliot's big member with the other, while his fingers were causing all kinds of sensations in her lower half and his mouth was biting down on her other breast. She was panting and Elliot was joining in, as they kept pumping each other with their hands.

As they fell into their rhythm, breathing, moaning, panting and pumping simultaneously, they were both unable to hold out any longer. As Elliot pushed into her hand, Olivia clamped down on his fingers and they both yelled each others' name as they came in an explosion of extasy, Olivia riding out the waves of pleasure that his fingers were causing, while Elliot coated her thigh and wrist with his fluids. Neither of them cared about the mess and they rolled into each others' arms automatically after removing their hands, their lips finding each other once again in a languid, loving kiss.

After just lying together for a few minutes, Elliot sat up to check the damage. He used his long discarded t-shirt to wipe Olivia's thigh and gasped when he saw her lick her wrist clean. If this really was just the beginning for them, he would need to stay in shape just to keep up with the sex goddess Olivia was turning out to be. He dropped his shirt at the foot of the bed and retrieved his boxer shorts.

Olivia let out a disappointed sound and Elliot grinned. He was going to say she had him at a disadvantage but swallowed the words just in time. No need to point out that he still hadn't seen her naked. The way things were going, he knew it wouldn't be long now. So he just snuggled up to her after putting his shorts back on and held her close. He kissed her forehead and let out a very content sigh. Olivia did the same and kissed his jaw.

"I was going to ask you if you wanted takeout," Elliot said, "but I got distracted."

Olivia chuckled.

"I just want to sleep now," she sighed.

"Me too."

"Besides, I already ate."

Elliot laughed out loud and then kissed her deeply, secretly hoping to taste some of her 'dinner' still on her tongue. It was almost too much to taste himself in her mouth. She really was a sex goddess and he guessed she could talk dirty too if the circumstances were right.

"I love you Liv," he said against her lips.

"I love you El."

"I noticed."

They laughed and just held each other. Just before she fell asleep, Olivia mubled,

"I'm glad you liked my surprise."

...

 **A/N: Alright, enough with the sexy times. Now get back to work, both of you!**  
 **Seriously though, we are finally going to reach the next scene in the actual show. They skipped from chapter 21 to chapter 59 just like that. I hope you all enjoyed the way I filled up those two missing months. :D**


	59. Ready

**As always, underlined print are direct quotes from the actual show, which is owned by Dick Wolf and NBC of course.**

...

59.

Dickie arrived right on time, at 10 the next morning. Olivia had made coffee and insisted that the men stay for a cup before heading out for their male bonding day. Elliot had told her that Dickie was a little apprehensive about seeing her again, considering the way they left things all those years ago. She understood. It had been an uncomfortable moment all around. She didn't blame Dickie though. Not one bit. He had had every reason to be suspicious of them, even then, even if they had never acted on their feelings before. So she made sure the young man was at ease. She asked him about college and how he liked living on campus, and shared a few stories about her college days with both Stablers. She could tell Dickie, who preferred to be called Richard now, was relaxing as they chatted. He surprised her when he asked how she was doing after being kidnapped by such a maniac, as he called it. She told him a little about how therapy was helping, and how supportive his dad was being.

"I never doubted that," Dickie said, smiling slightly at his father. "He's pretty protective of the people he loves."

Elliot nudged his son's shoulder with his fist, but the words warmed his heart. He'd been pretty tough on his son at times but at least he had come to understand that it was because he loved him. He saw Olivia glance at him hesitantly, and he winked at her. Dickie knew he loved her. He'd always known and it didn't have to be a secret. Not anymore.

After they finished their coffee, Dickie hugged Olivia and said he hoped she would be back out there busting perps soon. Olivia laughed and thanked him. She wanted to get back out there and she thought she was ready. Or as ready as she'd ever be. Elliot pulled her into his arms as well, and kissed her full on the lips before she had time to wonder what was appropriate in front of his son. She smiled as he rubbed his nose against hers and winked at her. As both men turned around to head for the door, she slapped Elliot's firm butt playfully.

"Oh please," Dickie groaned, feigning annoyance but smiling at Olivia. "Come on gramps, let's get out of here."

"Gramps?" Elliot huffed. "Don't forget I am still your father, young man."

Both men laughed and Olivia could still here them bantering as they walked down the stairs for their day out as Stabler men.

...

It was good to spend a day with his son. They'd gone to see an early run of an action movie and had some unhealthy snacks for lunch. Later, they talked about 'Richard's' name and how the man he had been named after had turned out to be such a disappointment. They talked about Shawn, and how he'd been proof that it was possible to make a clean break with drugs and start over. Dickie even thanked his dad for keeping him from enlisting in the army when he was sixteen.

"It wouldn't have been right for me. Not then. I was just too young and too angry," Dickie admitted as he sipped his beer at the sports bar where they had ended up.

Elliot could relate and he was proud of his son for making his own choices, with his head and not out of frustration.

"I know mom complained a lot and you weren't around as much as we would have liked, but you did good dad. Really. In your own way," the young man added with a wink.

They laughed but Elliot knew they were only laughing the emotions away because they weren't used to sharing them with each other. Elliot tried to take their conversation away from the topic of the past, and asked his son if he could see himself having a family too one day.

"Yeah," Dickie nodded. "But I'm going to make damn sure I find the right woman first."

Elliot understood the implication. With the exception of Eli, all his kids had felt some of the effects of the fact that their parents had married out of a sense of duty, and not true love.

"I'm sorry son," he said sincerely. "We tried to do the right thing."

"I know that dad, don't worry. I think you did very well, considering. If anything, it's a good warning for all of us to think before we act."

Elliot nodded and stared at the label on his beer bottle.

"And to use protection."

Elliot's head shot up, and seeing his son's grinning face, he laughed as well.

"Please do!" he agreed. "Not that I regret your sister, or any of you. You know that, right?"

Of course he knew. He was really growing up and Elliot was proud of him. He was proud of all of them, and he wouldn't trade them for the world. Thinking things over like this made him realize, he was actually going to have his cake and eat it too. He had a wonderful loving family, _and_ he would get to spend the rest of his life with the love of his life at last. His partner, in every sense of the word.

...

Olivia was a little nervous. She'd felt it all weekend. She wanted Dr. Lindstrom to give her the all clear to go back to work and as if on cue, she'd had a few disturbing dreams. They made her wonder if she was really ready. She still felt a lot of anger towards Lewis and worried that she would lash out at people on the job and get herself into trouble. Cragen would be watching her and at the first sign of trouble, she knew he'd send her home. He would do it to protect her. She knew that. But she just wanted to prove that she could do it. She had followed up on Cindy's case and spoken with the girl and her mother over the phone, and it had felt so good to be doing something meaningful again. Learning to take care of herself was meaningful too, so she'd learned, and she knew that she wouldn't be of much use to others if she didn't, but still. She was getting itchy.

Elliot felt it too. She was restless. Not like she was in the beginning, when she wanted to just crawl out of her own skin and be somewhere else, or even someone else. No, she was antsy because she had energy again. Before, she would load up just enough to make it through one day, and her internal battery would be completely dead at the end of the day. Now, she had some left at night and her reserves were visibly building up. While Elliot had secretly hoped their nightlife might benefit a little from her renewed energy, she was just being too fussy to focus on him. And she was having nightmares again. He did notice she was able to come back from a disturbing dream or a flashback quicker than before.

Olivia was learning to focus on the present and on her surroundings. Really dark dreams or very sudden flashbacks would leave a sense of looming darkness in the back of her head but overall, she managed to move back into the light quicker and find her bearings again in the here and now. Finding Elliot's firm body beside her every night definitely helped. She hadn't had the urge to hide away in her own bedroom anymore and wondered if maybe she would want to be alone on Monday night, before her next therapy session. Dr. Lindstrom's assistant had called to ask if it would be alright to move her appointment to the afternoon. It actually felt good not to be the emergency case anymore, and be the one to be moved for someone else who needed the appointment more than she did. She wasn't the basket case anymore and it made her feel proud. It also gave her more time to prepare for her session, and after another dream about how she'd been welcomed into her own home by Lewis that fateful night, she made a decision.

"Hey El," she said after they had watched the late evening news together that Monday night. "Cragen tells me my apartment has been released by CSU. Will you go there with me tomorrow? I want to get the rest of my clothes out and start cleaning it up."

Elliot was surprised. He wasn't sure if she was ready to go back, after the dreams she had been having.

"Are you sure you're ready?" he asked, rubbing her back gently as he scooted closer to her on the couch.

"No," she admitted. "But do you think I ever will be? Better get it over with. Besides, I want to get some of my stuff out, like my nice dresses."

"Well, I'd say that is a great reason to go," Elliot said with a smirk. "And if you change your mind or want to leave right away, just say so, okay?"

Olivia nodded. She didn't know what would happen once she'd be there again. Would she get more flashbacks and nightmares? Or would it help to see the place empty? She had no idea. They would just have to experience it. At least she wasn't alone now and she didn't have to stay there. They would have to discuss their living arrangements soon. She couldn't just stay here indefinitely without ever addressing it, could she?

"What are you thinking?" Elliot asked, clearly concerned when she seemed to be miles away.

"Nothing," she replied quickly. "I'm fine."

"Oh God," Elliot sighed.

Olivia raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Now I'm sure you're getting better. You actually said 'I'm fine'!"

That got a laugh out of her.

"I did, didn't I?" she grinned, standing up to wrap an arm around his neck before sitting down in his lap.

"But I am, really. Not like I was before. I'm fine because we're going to do this together."

Elliot smiled and kissed her cheek.

"Always Liv. I'm never going to leave you again."

"I don't know if I could have done all of this without you," she said honestly.

"I think you could have," Elliot stated. "You're stronger than you know Liv. But I'm glad I can be here for you now."

"Me too."

...

 _"Wake up! Hey! Wake up!"_

 _The angry voice filtered into her foggy brain. Owww. A hard kick against her back. She remembered then. Lewis. In her apartment. She rolled onto her back, noticing that she'd been curled up in a fetal position on the floor. He was towering over her, the bottle of vodka in his hand. She tried to shake her head but it hardly moved. All her muscles were sore and she couldn't feel her hands, that were still bound together behind her back._

 _Lewis kneeled beside her and grabbed her face, bringing the bottle to her lips. She tried to keep them pressed together but he just squeezed harder until she whimpered._

 _"There you go. Drink up. You'll need it for what I have planned for you next," he said gleefully._

 _After she'd swallowed enough of the biting liquor, he taped her mouth shut._

 _He was doing something in her kitchen now. With the stove? No. Not that. Not again. Please, not again ..._

 _The wire was glowing and he held it close to his own cheek, grinning at her before extending his hand to wave the glowing coat hanger at her. He was holding it with a pair of meat tongs._

 _"This is going to be perfect."_

 _She tried to shift when he pulled her shirt up roughly but there was no way to go. Without any further introduction he pressed the glowing wire into her flesh._

Her scream was bloodcurdling and Elliot shot up almost as fast as Olivia. She was struggling to breathe and Elliot put a hand on her arm very carefully.

"Liv? Are you with me?"

She took another deep breath and blew it out as slow as she could. It was a dream. She put a hand over her stomach. It didn't burn anymore. It hadn't happened again. She was safe. Elliot was here. She turned her head to look at Elliot. The look in his eyes struck her and pulled her further back into the present. He was startled, worried, trying to think of a way to help her. She could see all of that in his eyes and it was enough.

"Just hold me El," she sighed and he gladly obliged.

...

She'd hardly eaten any breakfast and her stomach was churning when they pulled up in front of her building. It had been two months but it felt like lifetime ago. And it felt like yesterday. Her heart was racing and her hands were trembling when she pushed Elliot's emergency key into the lock of the front door. Elliot was right behind her and put a supportive hand on her back.

"If you wanna leave, just say so, okay?"

She nodded, and pushed the door open. The scene in front of her was unreal. It was a crime scene like she'd seen many times. Only this was _her_ crime scene. _Her_ apartment where a crime had been committed against _her_. She walked in slowly. Without looking at him, she could feel the anger rolling off Elliot in waves. He was quiet. Too quiet.

Olivia stopped next to one of the dining room chairs that had been kicked over. The one she had been tied to. As she bent down to pick it up, she saw the blood on the carpet. _Her_ blood. And other stains. _His_ stains. Her stomach started to protest and she turned around to look at Elliot.

He could see the panic on her face. When she pressed a hand to her mouth, he knew she was going to throw up.

...

Elliot had put her in the car. She didn't want to go at first, but once she was outside, she could breathe better. Elliot rolled down her window and went back upstairs to get her clothes. He packed them in several trash bags. While he worked, he tried to ignore all the signs of the struggle and the torture that had taken place in the apartment. But he couldn't block it out, and by the time he was finished, his blood was boiling. Nobody touched her. Nobody! Elliot kicked against the wall, knowing it wouldn't help, but he needed some kind of outlet for his anger. He would have to calm down before he joined Olivia in the car. He didn't quite manage to.

Olivia put a hand on his knee after he'd put her clothes in the trunk and had gotten into the car.

"You okay?"

Elliot raised his eyebrows and looked at her.

" _You_ are asking _me_ if _I'm_ okay?"

She nodded.

"Yeah."

There were tears in her eyes.

"I know you're hurting El. Works both ways, remember?"

Elliot tried to smile and put his hand over hers on his knee.

"You wanna go to the gym and hit the punching bag?" he asked her, his voice thick with emotion.

Olivia smiled and nodded again.

"Best idea you've had all day."

...

It actually helped in a way to unleash the pent up tension, anger and frustration and take it out on an inanimate object. Elliot had gone first because she could tell he needed it the most. After he almost knocked the entire thing down, Elliot was able to focus on Olivia again. He showed her how to ball her hands into fists inside the gloves and made her practice a bit first, before he told her to imagine Lewis' face on the bag and just let it out. It was scary at first, to allow that rage to come back to the surface. But Elliot stood behind the punching bag as counter weight, and he encouraged her to do it. She wouldn't spiral out of control because he would catch her. She trusted him so after a few tentative punches, she went all out. She flashed back to the beating, but managed to come back to the present quickly, and after a few minutes, she fell to the floor completely exhausted, but relieved as well.

Elliot lay down next to her on the mat, not caring what the others at the gym might think of them and as she was catching her breath, she reached out to tap him on the cheek with one of her gloves.

"Thanks El. I feel better now."

...

Olivia had put on one of her nicer blouses and a skirt before going to her session. She wanted to make a statement. Look at me, I'm doing better. Dr. Lindstrom listened patiently while she told him how she was dealing with everything now, two months after the fact.

"I know that he's locked up, and I know that he can't get to me," Olivia said, "but I feel very angry. If I hadn't let my guard down, if somebody had put him away, then he wouldn't have raped Alice Parker or raped Mrs. Mayer or..."

"Or you," Dr. Lindstrom interjected.

"That wasn't rape."

She sounded very determined. She had _not_ been raped.

"That was an assault," she continued. "An ugly, violent one, but..."

"But they had it worse. You can take care of yourself. You're fine."

"Are you saying that I'm not?"

"Olivia, I'm suggesting that you've undergone a traumatic experience and that even you are not a superwoman."

He'd said that before. She wasn't better than everyone else. She knew that. She decided to change the topic and told him they'd gone to her apartment that morning. First time since the assault. Dr. Lindstrom asked how that was for her.

"Not good," she admitted.

He tried to explain to her that returning for the first time could be a trigger, but she didn't need him to tell her that and she told him dismissively,

"Yes, I know. I know all about that. Thank you."

"I'm sure you do," Dr. Lindstrom said calmly. He had this way of confronting her with herself without ever raising his voice and she felt the need to apologize to him.

"I'm sorry. It's just, ah... that place... it was so dark there. And I realize that I haven't... thrived there."

Dr. Lindstrom suggested they talk about that some more but Olivia wanted to talk about going back to work.

"I know you feel antsy. But right now is SVU the best place for you?" her therapist asked.

"Excuse me?"

SVU was the _only_ place for her. Why was he even asking?

Dr. Lindstrom explained that she was in the process of reevaluating all aspects of her life, like her living arrangements and her relationship. He wanted to know if she was giving any thought to the toll her job takes.

"Not for a second," she replied firmly. "He doesn't get to take that from me."

In no way was she going to change her life because of some lowlife trying to get inside her head. He was not going to win. No way.

Dr. Lindstrom wondered if it scared her to think about maybe doing something else. She didn't feel like thinking about that. She'd already made up her mind anyway. Whether it be some kind of atonement for her existence or the need to avenge her mother, she lived for getting justice for victims of abuse. There was nothing else. There was one thing that scared her about going back to work though, she admitted. Pity.

"What _I'm_ afraid of is walking back to my... to my squad room and having everybody look at me and... wonder if I'm okay."

She did not want to be pitied. She'd gone through hell. She wasn't denying that. But she was still here. Still standing. She wanted - no, she _needed_ to be taken seriously and not to be treated with kid gloves.

Dr. Lindstrom understood, or so he claimed, and he agreed to clear her for active duty, if she promised to come back once every two weeks, at least, to tell him how she was coping with work, the dreams and flashbacks. And how she and Elliot were doing.

"Elliot is my rock," Olivia said, and her face softened. "He says I could have gotten back on my feet without him, but I'm glad I don't have to do it all alone."

The older man smiled.

"Now that there is progress, Olivia."

Her smile widened.

"Yes. I know."

...

 **A/N Maybe some of you are wondering how long this story will go on. I intend to include Lewis' trial as well as h** **is death in this story, but I will do so by making a few time jumps so the story won't be dragged out too much. Then there's the matter of little Eli and a few other details I will not divulge just yet. I do have a plan and it will all be unfolded over time. Reviews are always appreciated.**


	60. First Case

**Wow, 60 chapters already. Thank you all again for your kind reviews. I haven't really gotten criticism yet about the length of this story. I guess I can hardly believe how everyone is still sticking with it, hence the self-doubt. But your reviews prove that you are, so here we are again. Olivia's goes back to work. Enjoy!**

...

60.

 **July 29, 2013**

"You look beautiful Liv."

Olivia turned around and Elliot could tell she was nervous. He stood next to her and turned her back around towards the mirror next to the closet in her room.

"Just look. You're stunning. And you'll do great, I know it."

Olivia looked at herself in the mirror. She hadn't worn this outfit in ages but she liked the color. The black slacks were standard, of course, but the top and blazer were a shade of dark red that went well with her skin color, if she said so herself. Elliot was right. She did look good. Strong. She just wasn't sure she was feeling as strong as she looked. She looked at Elliot in the mirror, into his encouraging blue eyes. He was proud of her but she could see some worry in his eyes as well.

"El, I don't think Cragen will give me his toughest case just yet on my first day, do you?"

Elliot moved behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"No, I don't think so," he agreed, kissing her neck softly. "But this is still a big step. Text me how you're doing, okay?"

Olivia reached up to put a hand on his cheek and smiled.

"I will. Promise."

...

After Olivia left for her first day back to work, Elliot hung around the apartment. It was suddenly so quiet there. He didn't have to be in Harlem until 3 PM and he wondered what he was going to do all day long. If Olivia managed to get back into a rhythm at work without freaking out too much, maybe it would finally be time for him to contact some of his old acquaintances at the NYPD. He'd give her a few weeks but he knew he wanted to get back out there as well.

He made a few calls and was on his third cup of coffee when the door suddenly burst open. Olivia came charging in, clearly pissed off, and dropped her bag on the couch before flopping down next to it with a heavy sigh. He looked at her from his chair, waiting for her to speak. To ask if her first morning at work hadn't gone well was completely redundant so he didn't.

"Cragen sent me home after two hours of paper work."

It couldn't be that quiet at SVU, so he assumed everyone had been assigned a real case except Olivia. He didn't think that was a bad move at all, but he knew better than to say that out loud while she was so pissed.

"So, what was it like to be there again?" he asked.

"Fine," she huffed and Elliot rolled his eyes.

Olivia finally smiled at that.

"Well, not so fine actually," she admitted. "They all look at me as if they think I'm going to break any second. I _hate_ it!"

Elliot joined her on the couch and put a finger under her chin until she looked at him.

"They need some time Liv. Give'em a break, okay?"

He made it sound as if her co-workers were the ones with the problem in stead of her, and it made her laugh. That was another way of looking at things. Still, it was annoying to be back at work, but not really be back. It wasn't even noon yet and she was home already.

"So you get some more time to spend with me. It that so terrible?" Elliot asked, his eyes shining with amusement and he puckered his lips while leaning over to her.

Olivia laughed and pushed him aside to stand up.

"Let me get out of this suit first," she said, but then she realized how that had sounded. "I ... I mean, I'm going to change," she added quickly but Elliot was already next to her, and bumped his hip against hers.

"Need some help?" he asked softly in her ear and goose bumps erupted all over her back and arms.

"I ... El, stop that."

He was tracing the shell of her ear with his tongue and it both tickled and excited her a little.

"Why?" Elliot whispered in her ear and she turned her head quickly to make him leave her ear alone.

"I forgot to tell you this morning but ... it's my time of the month again El. So you don't want to get too frisky this week."

Elliot feigned shock and held his hands away from her.

"You sure know how to kill the mood lady," he huffed.

But then he pulled her back into his arms and kissed her softly.

"But seriously Liv. I'm not exactly keeping track but are you on time? That would be a good thing, right?"

Olivia suddenly realized why he was asking. Would he really want another child, already being the father of five and the grandfather of one? She smiled at him hesitantly and told him she was indeed right on time, again.

"That's great then. Means you're healthy, right? And in the meantime, I'm sure you can think of ways to keep your man happy."

Olivia's mouth fell open and she pushed him away again, laughing incredulously.

"You seriously said that just now," she said, jabbing at his chest with her finger. "That's it mister. I'm cutting you off for a whole week."

Elliot knew she was joking but wondered how long she was going to hold out on him. Still, he was glad he'd been able to distract her from her failed first day at work.

...

 **July 30, 2013**

Olivia was back at her desk, trying to focus on the file in front of her. She was twirling a strand of hair around her finger, remembering how she'd cut it off herself, and why. She could feel Nick's eyes on her from across their desks and looked up at him. He'd been staring at her.

"Sorry," Nick said.

"Nick, it's okay," she assured him.

Nick sighed, looking down at his own file again.

"You don't like my haircut?"

"It'll grow," Nick answered, and she smiled. Men always seemed to prefer long hair.

She noticed his hand then, that he'd been leaning his head on. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring.

"Where's your ring?" she asked him.

Nick just looked at her, a resigned look in his brown eyes.

"It is what it is."

Another marriage on the rocks because of the job? Just then, Cragen came in, announcing they had a case.

"An abandoned kid in Times Square. Another Mo-Mo incident."

"Again? What is it with these guys?" Amanda asked.

"Go wake up your partner and find out," Cragen instructed the blonde.

Olivia stood up and looked at her Captain.

"We got this, Captain," she said, trying to sound as confident as possible.

"Liv, it's just your second day back."

She suppressed a sigh and walked up to Cragen.

"Captain, you're paying me to be here. You sent me home yesterday after two hours. It's a lost kid. Please, I can handle this."

Then Nick chimed in. Her loyal partner.

"Hey, Cap... we're good."

Nick stood up and grabbed his jacket, and Cragen exchanged a glace with Amanda. Olivia was relieved when her commanding officer agreed with a short 'okay'. She knew he'd be watching her but she was glad Nick had backed her up. She thanked her partner as they walked to the car.

"No need to thank me, Liv. You're here to do a job right? I've got your back," Nick told her.

Finally, someone who was treating her normally again.

"And I've got yours Nick. You know that, right?" she asked him over the roof of the car before they got in.

Nick just nodded. They were good.

...

She spent most of the day talking to Buddy, who didn't know his age, address or last name. It turned out not to be a simple case of a lost kid that needed to get home. Not by a long shot. Before the day was over, they'd found the house where Buddy had lived all his life, and three cages in the basement. Cages where women had been kept as pets. No, worse than pets. One of the women was still there, but the man of the house and the other two women were nowhere to be found.

Olivia was completely exhausted when she got home late that night but was still too worked up to relax. Elliot had waited up for her and worried that a long day like this would drain her reserves too much right away.

"It's almost midnight Liv. Couldn't you have called it a day earlier? You're not the only one working the case, are you?"

Olivia knew Elliot was just concerned but she wasn't in the mood for this discussion. She'd had a flashback on the scene when the press as well as the police had crowded around the house, just like when she and Lewis were found. And then she had blown up at Barba. She needed to focus on solving the case so she could channel all of her energy into something productive.

Elliot didn't think it was energy but it was pure adrenaline. She couldn't function just on adrenaline and she needed to rest. He sat behind her on the couch and started kneading her tense shoulders.

"Why don't you take a hot shower and come to bed," he suggested. "This is your first case and you need to keep your strength up."

"I think I need a drink first," Olivia sighed.

"A beer?" Elliot asked, but Olivia shook her head.

"Do we have any wine? I'd love a glass of red right now."

Elliot stood up to get some wine for her, and Olivia kicked off her shoes. She was so tired but her mind just wouldn't stop spinning. The case was hitting her harder than she was prepared to admit.

...

 **July 31, 2013**

Her second day on the case. She knew she hadn't slept enough but she had to go back to work the case. For buddy and for these poor women. Cragen was talking to her, saying something about a bedspread and she flashed back to when Lewis had pulled her sheets off the bed to wrap her in them before he stuffed her in the trunk of a car. A body in the backyard of that house? She started babbling about a possible scenario, not even hearing her Captain out and Cragen stopped her.

"When's the last time you slept?" he asked her.

"Captain, please. I'm fine," she started, and Cragen dubbed her last word, already knowing she'd say it. She was always fine.

"Even so. Take a few hours," he ordered.

It was annoying. She could do the job.

"Okay, you have to stop treating me like I'm broken," she protested, a defiant look in her eyes.

Cragen wasn't budging though, and stared back at her while he said,

"Well, nobody is saying that."

They were interrupted by Fin, who told them one of the missing women had been arrested for shoplifting. Kayla, the younger one that Buddy called Sissy. She was on the news, stating her real name and telling the world that she'd been abducted nine years ago. She had wanted to get caught shoplifting, and Olivia and Amanda took the young woman's statement at the hospital, where she'd been reunited with her parents. It was heartbreaking and although Olivia managed to keep a relatively straight face at the hospital, her own emotions were in turmoil. Kayla was Buddy's mother, only Buddy didn't know that. He called her Sissy, as if she was his sister. And of course, 'Pa' was the father.

Elliot knew Olivia was balancing on the edge. The case was too much for her but she'd never admit it. She couldn't stop talking about it, pacing in the living room and repeating over and over that the scumbag had to be taken down, and his bitch with him. It was always difficult to swallow that these perps had female accomplices. Usually, they were just as much a victim as the others but Olivia wasn't seeing it this time. He wasn't going to argue with her though. He knew better. He'd always been able to read her moods when they worked together, and that hadn't changed.

While he worried about Olivia and her ability to work full time again - more than full time right now - he noticed that he was also feeding a little off her. His days were empty when she was out. He had worked a couple of hours today but other than that, he had no distractions. He was planning on visiting Maureen and his little granddaughter again the next day, but he knew he wanted more. He wanted to be a cop again. He wanted to come home with stories too about what he had done during the day, just like Olivia. Well ... not just like Olivia. This was a bit much.

He decided to run a hot bath for her and after practically feeding her some dinner, which made her laugh as she accepted the bites of food he was handing her on a fork, she finally seemed to relax a little.

Olivia was grateful. In a way, it felt like old times, when they'd distract each other after a tough day at work until they were able to relax again. Only then, Elliot would go home afterwards. Now, they were home already. Together. That was a huge change and she was still adjusting. Going back to work was a big step and she needed to find a new balance there. For now, she wasn't finding any balance. She was actually contemplating setting up an extra appointment with Dr. Lindstrom but decided against it. She had one scheduled for the ninth and that should be soon enough. She could do this. She had to.

...

 **August 1, 2013**

Olivia had slept a little better, pressed tightly against Elliot's bare chest. She didn't mind at all that he wasn't bothering with the t-shirts anymore in bed. His presence was comforting and while she didn't have much to give at the moment, she was only too happy to receive his comfort. He accepted her. She knew he wasn't really okay with the hours she was working again so quickly, but he accepted her way of doing things.

Maybe he shouldn't have. Her third day on the case, she exploded. Right in the face of 'Ma', the female accomplice of 'Pa', their perp. They still hadn't found the man and they were trying to get the woman to give up his name. Or her own name, for that matter. Amanda had suggested to Cragen that she and Olivia take a run at her, in stead of the men. They should have been the softer touch but Olivia blew that completely until Cragen was forced to pull her out. Olivia was livid and out of control and she was yelling at the trembling woman.

"Detective... My office, now!" Cragen barked.

Olivia couldn't believe it.

"I was getting somewhere," she told her Captain as soon as they were in his office.

"No, you were attacking her. She was shutting down," Cragen said sternly. "I made a mistake. You're too raw."

Olivia was still so angry at the woman and did not want to hear what Cragen was saying about her. This wasn't about her.

"She knows who he is and where he is," she maintained, pointing at the interrogation room. "I'm going back in there."

She was already on her way out but Cragen stopped her.

"No, you are not going back in. You are going home. It was too soon for you to come back to SVU."

Olivia glared at him and then stomped out of his office without a word. She grabbed her jacket and left the squad room. She was angry. So angry. _Too_ angry. She knew she should go home. In stead, she headed for the hospital. Images of the beating flashed through her mind as she went up to Buddy's floor in the elevator. She was determined to get their man. So angry. So angry ...

Talking to Kayla helped a bit. She was still worked up but unknowingly, Kayla actually forced her to look at herself. The girl had been locked up for nine years and now she was finally free, she just wanted to hide away again.

"I'm just tired of... of everyone looking at me like I'm gonna break," Kayla said.

Olivia could relate. Her circumstances were different but it described exactly what she was feeling herself. And talking to Kayla made her see that both Kayla and Buddy were really fond of Ma. The woman had been good to them, despite everything. It was confronting to realize that she'd actually intimidated a victim. That wasn't like her. She needed to get this rage under control or Cragen would have her transferred out. She'd been sent home on her third day back. This couldn't happen again.

There was nothing better than to melt into Elliot's embrace when she got home. She told him everything, knowing he wouldn't judge her. He didn't. He understood. But he also told her she needed to watch herself better. To not get into these tense situations just yet, until she knew she would be able to handle it. Olivia nodded.

"I know El," she said softly, resting her head on his shoulder as they sat on the couch. "But you know me. I don't let go very easily."

"True," Elliot said, rubbing his cheek against her forehead. "And it's one of the things I love about you."

"In that case," she said, sitting up again, "you will understand that I need to go back to the station."

Elliot frowned.

"Now?"

"Yes. Now."

Before she left, Olivia ran her idea by him. She wanted to get to Ma by using her love for Buddy to get her to tell them her real name, and Pa's real name if she knew it. It was a form of manipulation but they did that all the time.

"Promise me you will walk out as soon as you feel the anger coming back Liv," Elliot stressed.

"I promise," she said before heading out again, the folder with Buddy's drawings for Ma tucked under her arm.

...

Olivia met up with Nick in the parking lot behind the station and explained her idea to him, asking him to back her up. Which he would, of course. Cragen was not amused that she hadn't dropped the case as ordered, and confronted her in front of the squad and Barba. Then Nick stepped in.

"Cap, she can get through to her... take my place in there."

Cragen kept looking at her and she could see the conflict in his eyes. She should have followed his orders and he should kick her out right now. But they had so much history together.

"If you can't trust me," Olivia said calmly, "then I'm done."

It wasn't exactly fair, since she was clearly in the wrong here. But Cragen fell for it, like he always had when it came to her. He cared about her too much.

She was much more careful with Ma this time, appealing to her love for Buddy and Sissy. She could see now that the woman was simply terrified of Pa. She really was a victim, suffering from Stockholm syndrome. She never should have yelled at her. Ma still was too afraid to say her own name but Olivia finally got her to write it down. Her name was April. Her missing person's file finally led them to a suspect, who had been a witness in April's case eighteen years ago. They were going to track him down the next day.

Olivia sat down at her desk with a sigh. Cragen walked up to her and she looked up.

"A word, detective?" he asked her and she got up again to follow him to his office.

She knew she deserved everything he was going to throw at her now and braced herself after she'd closed the door. Cragen turned to face her, his hands tucked in his pockets. He looked at her for a few moments and then looked down.

"Olivia, we need to set a few ground rules."

She couldn't help laughing softly at that. After fifteen years, they needed to set ground rules?

"I know you're thinking we're way past that, but things have changed. _You_ have changed," he added, pointing at her. "You are not the same since the assault and I will not have you going behind my back again. When I say you're off the case, you will trust my judgment that I have my reasons. I am not out to get you and I do trust you. All I'm asking is that you trust me as well. I am still your commanding officer and I decide who does what. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir."

"Having said that, I will say that you were very good with April earlier. Much better than the first time."

"Thank you."

"What happened the first time, does not happen again."

"No sir. I ... I spoke about it with Elliot and I will address it in my next therapy session. I need to work on my anger, I know that."

She had spoken softly, looking down at her hands, and Cragen stepped closer to her until she looked up at him.

"Good. I'm glad you have people supporting you Liv. You don't have to do everything on your own, you know."

She smiled then, and looked at her Captain.

"Yes, I do know that now."

"And if you need anything, _anything .._. just tell me okay? We'll work something out."

"Thank you sir," Olivia whispered.

When she finally went home, she realized that her support system was bigger than she knew. She had never really accepted help from people around her but she found now that they were all more than willing to lend a hand, whatever she needed. Her Captain, her partner, her squad, her therapist, Elliot and Elliot's kids. She was willing to try to get used to that, and not push them away once she was strong enough to do things on her own again. This had to be the true meaning of the word family.

...

 **More?**


	61. Anger Management

**I think some of my readers got the impression that I wanted to end this story prematurely. I don't want that! We're only just catching up with the show again and we still have quite a way to go here. Here's chapter 61, so enjoy!**

...

61.

 **August 2, 2013**

Cragen let Olivia take Kayla and Buddy home the next day, to Kayla's parents. They talked a bit on the drive over. Kayla worried that her son would never have a normal life after what they'd been through. Olivia heard herself tell the young mother,

"You know, what I've seen is that people who have gone through ... unfair, horrific experiences, is that they have this will. And when they get support ... A chance ... they cannot only survive, they can thrive."

The words echoed in her mind long after Kayla and Buddy had gotten out of the car. They had been for her as much as for Kayla. Cragen had told her to take the afternoon off and start her weekend early, and she hadn't protested. She had actually admitted she needed a break after her first week.

Elliot sensed that she was mulling something over but when he asked her about it, she shook her head. She didn't want to keep on burdening Elliot with this. Her support system was bigger than just him, as it should be.

"I'm calling Dr. Lindstrom to ask if he can see me this afternoon."

"Really?"

Elliot was surprised, but he was pleased as well. Olivia accepting help was one thing, but Olivia reaching out for help was another. He was so proud of her and saw her face relax as she made the appointment. She was still the strongest person he knew.

Dr. Lindstrom was pleasantly surprised to see her again soon soon.

"I'm glad you decided to come back earlier, Olivia," he said. "How have you been?"

She smiled and told him,

"Better."

The doctor leaned back in his chair and made an inviting gesture, telling her she had the floor.

...

Elliot could tell she was feeling much better when he returned from work that night. She was lying on the couch comfortably in her sweats, watching TV, her hair still damp after showering, and munching on a bag of crisps.

"Hey, how was work?" she asked him when he walked in.

"Fine," he answered. "How was your session?"

"Fine," she bounced his reply back at him and they both grinned.

"I'm hopping in the shower and then I'm joining you, okay?" Elliot said.

"Okay, I'll get you a beer."

After a quick shower, Elliot joined Olivia on the couch. She snuggled up to him, handing him his beer and holding her bag of crisps out to him.

"You want some?"

"No thanks. You're obviously feeling better."

"I am," she confirmed. "It's been confronting, but I think I'm going to learn how to deal with the anger."

Elliot kissed her nose and smiled.

"Good for you. And if all else fails, we will still have the punching bag."

They chatted some more about her session and his visit to his granddaughter the previous day. When Olivia started yawning, Elliot picked her up and carried her straight to the bedroom. She shrieked and tried to break free, but he could tell it was only for show. He had a feeling that Badass Benson actually enjoyed being manhandled from time to time. It was too early to explore the idea, since she was still getting over being overpowered against her will, be he could see them trying a few new things in the future that he never would have considered with Kathy. He and Olivia had always had this power struggle going on. It was as if, knowing they were equals, they still needed to prove to each other how strong they were. Right now, Olivia was still trying to get a grip on her anger and she was afraid to lose control. Even with him. He knew he was stronger physically and he wasn't afraid of what she might do if she panicked. But he understood that _she_ was still afraid of what she might do. But that would get better and so would they. In every way.

After he'd tossed her on the bed, she reached for him and they made out for a while. Elliot was trying to keep his hands to himself but they ended up underneath her sweatshirt anyway.

"No bra?" he smirked when he traced the outlines of her breasts with his forefingers.

"Uh uh," Olivia hummed. "I don't usually dress up right before going to bed."

"Pity," Elliot grinned and she pushed at his chest.

"Just buy me something nice, and maybe I'll change my mind," she challenged him.

"Deal!" he said happily and they both laughed.

Elliot stayed awake for a while, just to look at Olivia as she fell asleep. He was so proud of her. Back to work after just two months and she'd already helped catch another creep who would never see the light of day again. He could only hope the same would be true for William Lewis.

...

After a relaxing weekend, Olivia went to work again. She felt a lot better. She would be able to handle her emotions better now, so she thought. That same night, she felt like she was back to square one. How could this have happened? She was still catching her breath after running all the way home when she burst into the apartment.

"What the hell?" Elliot mumbled.

He'd fallen asleep in front of the TV but jolted awake when he heard the front door slam shut. There was Olivia, completely out of breath and with a panicked look on her face, holding herself up at the breakfast bar.

"Liv!"

Elliot jumped up and hurried over to her.

"What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you alright?"

Olivia just shook her head, unable to speak while she tried to calm down. Elliot put his arms around her and she rested her head against his shoulder, letting him hold her up while she tried to come out of her shock.

Elliot was trembling. He had no idea why Olivia was so upset. Had someone hurt her? He couldn't even think about it. He tried to look her over without Olivia noticing. She seemed unharmed, just shaken up. After several minutes, she finally spoke.

"I ... I thought I was doing better. We took statements all day from victims of a push-in rapist. I decided to walk home to ... to clear my head and then there was this guy ..."

Elliot tensed up immediately.

"What guy?"

He pushed Olivia away from him, holding on to her shoulders, so he could look into her eyes.

"What guy!"

Olivia blinked a few times because he was yelling in her face.

"It was just ... he didn't mean anything. I freaked out. I ... I almost knocked him out. I think I broke his nose."

Elliot still wasn't following completely.

"Slow down Liv," he said, trying to reign in his temper. "Tell me, step by step."

Olivia nodded, looking away from him as if she tried to picture what had happened.

"I turned a corner and there was this guy sitting on a stoop. When he saw me, he stood up and greeted me, asking me to give him a smile. He put his hand on my shoulder and I freaked out, and I smashed his face in with my elbow and knocked him to the ground. They guy was shocked ... he wasn't gonna hurt me. It was just an innocent remark."

"Innocent my ass," Elliot grumbled. "Where was this? I'll give him a piece of my mind."

Olivia could see the anger flare up in Elliot's eyes and she snapped out of her own daze. Elliot was already on his way to the door and she ran after him, grabbing his arm.

"Elliot, no! _I'm_ the one that screwed up here, not him. _Please_ ..."

Elliot stopped walking, but was taking deep breaths, all of his anger management lessons forgotten momentarily. Nobody touched the people he loved.

Olivia was rubbing his arm, trying to think of something to say that would calm Elliot down. She used to know exactly what to say or do when they still worked together but she was too unhinged herself now. It would be like the blind leading the blind. All she could think of was to wrap her arms around his waist and just hold him and she was relieved when he unclenched his fists and held on to her. They stood like that for a while, until they both managed to calm down.

Elliot rubbed her back with his hands, relieved that she was okay but shaken by the realization that she actually might get hurt again on the job. Or even off the clock. He wasn't sure if he could take it. It brought back so many feelings he thought he'd dealt with back in California. His therapist had cleared him for active duty if he wanted to go back to being a cop, but he'd also recommended that he'd continue seeing someone in New York. With everything going on with Olivia, he hadn't given it a second thought. Maybe he should, now.

Olivia knew she needed help to get a grip on her reaction to people. And if she was actually feeding what was left of Elliot's anger issues, he needed some help too. Having each other wouldn't be enough. They talked about it when they finally sat down and had a beer together. Olivia was glad that Elliot was seeing it too. Home should be a place to unwind, not to get worked up all over again. They'd get on each others' nerves in no time and neither of them wanted to ruin what they had started building together.

So on Tuesday morning, Olivia was back in Dr. Lindstrom's office.

"Guys says stuff like that to me all the time and I just ... I went _off_ on him."

She was so ashamed of herself.

"I'm a New York City cop. I can't go around beating people up!" Olivia sighed, completely frustrated with herself. She had fully expected going back to work would have been easier.

Dr. Lindstrom tried to make her see that she was beating herself up. "First for under-reacting to Lewis, now for overreacting to this guy."

"I can't get anything right," Olivia sighed. "I'm all over the place."

"All over the place," the doctor repeated back to her. "If a crime victim said that to detective Olivia Benson, less than three months after an assault, what would you say to her?"

"I'd say that survivors can experience a wide range of reactions, from stress to fear to numbness."

"Depression, anger, flashbacks?" the older man added.

"All of the above." She knew the speeches by heart.

"Have you ever known someone to take a self-defense course or to obtain a gun or resolve never to be a victim again?" Dr. Lindstrom continued.

"Of course." _Me, me and me_.

"So you might see this kind of overreaction to be emotionally triggered. And you might tell her that over time, she'll recognize those triggers and temper her responses."

Okay. Alright. She got the message. But it wasn't so cut and dry when it was about her. She flashed back to her time with Lewis briefly and she still felt so raw. So she asked Dr. Lindstrom,

"And what if she doesn't believe me?"

Because right now, she didn't believe one word of it.

"Well, then you might ask her to forgive herself and remember she's going through a process, and that healing takes time."

They were back to forgiveness. She wasn't a superwoman. She was human and she made mistakes. And that was alright. It wasn't to her, but she would have to accept it. Olivia Benson made mistakes. And she would have to forgive herself.  
It wasn't the same as making excuses, Dr. Lindstrom assured her. Forgiveness was something completely different. It required acknowledging your mistake. Owning up to it. Facing it. And then deciding that you won't hold it against yourself. Because holding something against yourself, or against someone else for that matter, will keep you trapped in an endless cycle of blame, reproach, frustration and even the need to punish or atone, leading to new mistakes.

Forgiveness was the key. Accepting that you're not perfect. It was like discovering a universal principle, something that held true for all human beings. She thought that Christians might be on to something. They had a forgiving God who didn't make them atone for their sins. He'd provided the atonement himself and his forgiveness was free.

After her session, Olivia decided to take a walk, and she ended up at a church. She knew it wasn't a coincidence. She had wanted to go there. It was a modest building, not as extravagant as the Catholic churches she'd visited. She loved the architecture of those buildings, but she didn't like all the ornaments. She felt like they were distractions from what the church was really about. Or what it should be about.  
This church was simpler, and Olivia stared at the simple wooden cross behind the pulpit for a while. It was a symbol of death for many people, but here it was a symbol of hope. Of starting over. That was what forgiveness was. A chance to start over after making a mistake. It was what she needed to do, every time she screwed up. Because if she didn't, she would never get out of the cycle.

When she stepped out of the church again to go to work, she felt better. Not because she thought she wouldn't make a mistake again, but because she knew she could start over afterwards.

...

Elliot had been talking with one of his contacts in the NYPD, who had returned his call. They didn't have an opening right away, but the man told him he'd spoken with a friend at Missing Persons and his Captain was willing to speak with him, to see what he had to offer. Missing Persons. It wasn't exactly his first choice, but he figured it was a start. And maybe the hours wouldn't always be as crazy as SVU's.

He was still thinking about the evening before, and how enraged he'd become when he thought someone had tried to hurt Olivia. He was rummaging through his things, looking for the list that Dr. Myers had given him after his last session. When he finally found it, one name jumped out immediately. Dr. Lindstrom. Elliot grinned. That would not be wise. He read the other names and addresses, and decided just to call the one closest to his apartment. Dr. Smith. That sounded nice and neutral.

Dr. Smith could squeeze him in the next Thursday at 2 PM and Elliot made the appointment. He would see if he and the doctor clicked first, before asking Dr. Myers to forward his file. So now he had the rest of the day to himself. Elliot sighed. It was too quiet here. He thought about Eli again. It had been great having his boy around. He knew Eli would be in school during the day but still, he wished Eli was there. Elliot wandered into Eli's room. They had changed the bedding after Eli went back to California, but other than that, everything was the way Eli had left it. Several toys were strewn around and he started picking them up to put them back in the toy box by the window. He sat down on the floor next to the little train track that Eli had laid out. He pushed the train for a few rounds, making soft choo-choo sounds, and shook his head at himself. He'd missed so much of this with his older kids. He wanted to have it with Eli. He took a deep breath and blinked a few times but it was too late. The tears were already there. He hung his head and let them fall silently. He missed his son.

...


	62. Quality Time

62.

Dr. Smith was nice. And female. Elliot hadn't really given it any thought and had just assumed the therapist would be a man. But after talking with the doctor for twenty minutes, he decided that they were a good match. Dr. Smith was a, plump, astute woman of almost sixty he figured. She kept her grey hair pinned up and she radiated confidence as well as compassion and kindness, a combination that made him feel safe enough to tell her why he had come to see her.

Dr. Smith listened and took notes, and was pleased to hear that there was already a file on him. Elliot signed a form, giving her permission to ask Dr. Meyer's office to send it over. She suggested she read his file first before they would continue, and they set a new appointment for the next week. When he walked out of Dr. Smith's office and into the sun, he decided to make dinner reservations for him and Olivia. It had been a while since they'd been out together and they deserved some quality time. Her squad was preparing the trial against a woman who'd shot a black boy, claiming it was self-defense, and Olivia hadn't been assigned a new case yet so she should be able to make it. He texted her to make sure, and got a reply within ten minutes.

 _'Dinner? Yes! What time?'_

 _'Can you be ready by seven?'_

 _'I'll be home and ready to go. xxx'_

He smiled and put his phone back in his pocket. He started whistling as he walked the few blocks to one of her favorite restaurants. After making the reservations, he strolled down the street back to the apartment. Their apartment. There was only one person missing from it. Eli.

When he got home, Elliot decided to call Kathy. He didn't know if she was at work, but he could always leave a message. They needed to talk.

...

Olivia was doing better on the job. She was grateful that Nick had covered for her after she'd kneed their perp in the groin and had literally kicked him into a squad car. She knew she shouldn't have, but at least she hadn't hit an innocent man this time. This one was the rapist they had been looking for. Nick was standing by her and she felt like she could be honest with him about things. She was doing paperwork mostly now, while Barba was prepping everyone for the trial, but when Nick was at his desk, she felt like she belonged again. There wasn't any uneasiness between them anymore and she suspected that he wasn't really sorry that she wasn't seeing Brian anymore. He hadn't asked her why they'd broken up but she thought he knew. He was just happy that Elliot was back and that she had someone to go home to. It was different for him now, ever since Maria had moved away to D.C. with their daughter. But he was doing okay so far. They were a good team.

Around five that Thursday, Olivia stretched and yawned and Nick looked up at her.

"Wanna call it a day?" he asked her, and she dropped her arms back on her desk with a smile.

"Yeah. I'm actually going out tonight."

"With Elliot?"

She nodded and smiled, and Nick smiled at her knowingly.

"What?" she asked, wondering what he was thinking.

"Oh nothin'," Nick said quickly. "I'm just glad you found each other after all. You seem happy. You two doin' alright? Since, you know ..."

Olivia pursed her lips, knowing what he was referring to, and wiggled her head, looking down at her pen.

"We're getting there," she said, and she glanced up at her partner.

"You've know each other for fifteen years, right?"

Nick was leaning back in his chair, tapping his lower lip with his pen.

"Yeah, why?" Olivia asked.

"I just thought ... that's some really loooooong foreplay."

Olivia's mouth fell open and she threw her pen at Nick's head, but they both laughed. Nick picked up her pen and tossed it back to her, grinning.

"But seriously Liv. You guys were never tempted when you were working together?"

Olivia leaned back in her chair and looked around them. Fin and Amanda were bickering about something and Munch wasn't around. She looked back at her partner.

"Why do you ask? You having thoughts about a certain co-worker yourself?"

Nick laughed again and shook his head.

"Nice Benson. So does that mean you're not going to answer my question?"

Olivia smiled and leaned on her desk, resting her chin in her hands. Why hadn't anything ever happened between them while they were partners?

"Well, for one, Elliot was married. Two, we were partners and that would have been awkward I think. And three, we never actually admitted that there was something there, not even to ourselves."

"Oh I see," Nick grinned. "You were in denial and just reasoned everything away. For fifteen years. I find that very hard to believe."

Olivia smirked.

"You're not the only one. You wouldn't believe the stories that have been told about us over the years. They should put up a site on the internet where they can be published. It would make for very entertaining reading, I'm sure. Only none of it actually happened."

"Until now."

She sighed and smiled, thinking of the progress she and Elliot had already made.

"Yeah. Until now."

Nick jumped up and motioned at her to stand up.

"Alright. That's your cue. You're out of here and you are going to have the most romantic night with your man. I'll finish up here."

The moment felt a little like déja vu. Hadn't he sent her off like this before, on Christmas eve when she was supposed to catch a plane to the Bahamas? It felt like a lifetime ago. Nick really was a good partner and she pulled him in for a hug.

"Thanks Nick. I owe you one."

"Don't mention it Liv. Just have a good time and say hi to Elliot for me."

...

Olivia looked stunning, as always. She had chosen a black cocktail dress, a black lace shawl covering her shoulders and upper arms, and black pumps with two inch heels, bringing her at eye level with Elliot. Elliot was proud to have her on his arm as they entered the small French restaurant he had chosen. He helped her sit down at a table for two in the back and she smiled at him as he sat down opposite her.

"This is such a romantic place," Olivia said.

"That's why we're here," Elliot replied. "I think we deserve a little quality time after your first two weeks back at work, don't you?"

Olivia couldn't agree more. They would have to make time for each other now, now that they weren't together all day anymore. She looked at her handsome companion, who was wearing a black suit and white dress shirt for the occasion. He hadn't bothered with a tie though, and the two top buttons of his shirt were undone. It gave him just the right touch of casual in this formal setting and she thought he looked just perfect.

Elliot noticed that she was checking him out and grinned.

"See something you like, Benson?"

She could have gone with a joke but surprised him when she put her hands over his hands on the table.

"I do. In fact, I see someone I love, very much."

Elliot rubbed her thumbs with his and smiled widely. He did have a rather serious topic he wanted to discuss with her tonight, but it could wait. The waiter brought them two glasses of campaign and Olivia looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

"I ordered in advance, I hope you don't mind," he explained.

"Well, you've always known what I like to eat, so I trust you," Olivia replied.

They chatted for a while about work and therapy over their appetizers and Olivia was surprised to learn that Elliot was going to talk to the Captain of Missing Persons. But she understood he wanted to go back to work as well. They might even work together occasionally, because SVU cases sometimes overlapped with Missing Persons cases. They both thought it would be nice to work together again, but it would never be as partners again. Still, what they had now was better, they both agreed.

When they were about halfway though the main course, Elliot finally broached the subject he wanted to discuss with Olivia.

"So ... I called Kathy earlier."

"Oh?"

Olivia quickly swallowed her bite of perfectly stewed fish.

"About what?"

"About Eli."

"Hmm."

Olivia nodded, and frowned a little.

"I see. You miss him a lot, don't you?"

Elliot put down his fork and knife and nodded.

"Yeah."

"Me too El. I wish he could come and live with us permanently."

Elliot's mouth fell open and his eyebrows shot up.

"Really?"

Olivia laughed softly.

"Yes, really. You didn't know? I love him like he's my own and he has a room already."

Elliot was so happy to hear her say that, that he didn't know what to say. Olivia could read him like a book though, and asked him,

"What? You weren't sure if I'd want that?"

Elliot scrubbed a hand down his face but couldn't hide the emotions he was feeling.

"El," Olivia said softly. "He's your son."

He nodded. Eli was his son and that was enough for Olivia to love him. She'd always been like that so he should have known. He took a deep breath because he had more to say.

"I asked Kathy if she would consider letting him live with us."

"And?"

"She's thinking about it."

Olivia put a hand over her mouth and he could see tears in her eyes.

"Oh Elliot," she sighed, and they stood up simultaneously to give each other a hug.

Elliot held her tight and whispered in her ear,

"She's thinking of moving to LA to live with Peter and she doesn't want to uproot Eli again."

Olivia was practically jumping for joy and it warmed his heart that she was so happy for him. He didn't care that they were in public anymore, and turned his head so he could capture Olivia's lips with his. He kissed her passionately and tears were sliding down both their faces when they broke apart. Their waiter was approaching but was hesitating now, and they wiped their cheeks quickly and sat back down. Elliot signaled the waiter that it was alright.

"Just sharing some good news," he told the French young man by way of explanation, and the man nodded.

"Ah. Celebrating a new addition to the family?"

He glanced at Olivia and she smiled widely at the young man.

"Yes, we are," she beamed, and then she winked at Elliot. She was right. There was no need to explain things to a total stranger.

They finished their meal and had a modest dessert. Elliot couldn't stop looking at his beautiful companion. She was so relaxed and happy now, almost as if nothing bad had happened to her at all. Almost ...

Olivia glanced at Elliot from time to time. She was so happy for him that Eli might be coming to live with them and could feel the energy radiating off him. She felt it too, bubbling beneath the surface and she wanted to do something crazy to let it all out. When they left the restaurant to walk home, she still felt that way and she jumped up and down a few times.

"What on earth are you doing?" Elliot asked, a surprised smile on his face.

"I just have all this energy inside me and it wants out," she told him. "Don't you feel it? It's like I'm gonna explode, but in a good way."

Elliot grinned. He could relate a bit. He was feeling lightheaded, as if he was dreaming.

"So, what do you want to do then? You wanna go out dancing?"

"Dancing?"

She was very surprised but she didn't feel like going into the city to find a place where they could dance. She wanted to do something right now.

"Why don't we dance all the way home?" she suggested. "That should help to get rid of some of the adrenaline."

Elliot laughed, and they actually made a few elegant dance moves as they made their way back home, skipping a few yards from time to time and just laughing and joking around. They hadn't had much to drink at all, but people might think they were drunk if they saw them goofing off like that. When they made it to their building, they went upstairs a little quieter, because they didn't want to disturb their neighbors. Olivia was giggling when they finally got to the door of the apartment and Elliot shushed her while he fumbled with his keys.

When they were inside and he closed the door, he asked her,

"And? Do you still feel like you're going to explode?"

Olivia turned around to face him, and before he knew what hit him, her lips were on his. She pushed him against the door and pressed her body against him. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back passionately. He had no idea what had brought this on but he wasn't complaining. Olivia's hands were all over him, literally, and his body was beginning to react strongly to her. He broke off the kiss and put his hands on Olivia's cheeks to look at her.

"Liv ...," he said under his breath.

"El?" she replied with a sly smile, moving one hand up his back and the other one down his abdomen until she was rubbing him through his pants.

"What kind of explosion did you have in mind woman?" he grunted, trying to steady himself against the door.

Olivia kissed him again, softer than before, and then answered him.

"Make love to me, Elliot."

...

 **A/N: Oh, finally!  
PS. Reviews make me happy.**


	63. Fearless

63.

 _"Make love to me, Elliot."_

Elliot swallowed hard and looked into Olivia's eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly.

"I think so."

"Liv, if you're not ..."

She silenced him with another kiss.

"I trust you, Elliot."

He nodded, and leaned his forehead again hers.

"I want nothing more than to make love to you, Olivia. You know that. Just ... don't be afraid or embarrassed to stop, okay? You're in charge."

Olivia closed her eyes and smiled.

"I know."

Elliot lifted her up carefully and carried her to his bedroom. Their bedroom. He would try to go slow and be careful and attentive but he was just a man. He'd dreamed of this moment for so long that he couldn't believe it was actually going to happen. They'd been intimate before in their own way, exploring each other and satisfying each other, but nothing compared to actually merging together and becoming one body. In his fantasies, they'd always been wild and explosive. That was not what they were going to be tonight. He would be loving and caring, making sure she was at ease and comfortable with her own body and with his. He told himself to be prepared that she might break things off.

After setting her on the bed carefully, he dropped to one knee to help her take her shoes off, and unzip her dress. As she let the dress slide down to her hips, her very sexy underwear was revealed to him. She was wearing a black lace teddy. The parts covering her breasts were see-through, as were patches along the sides of her body.

"Wow," he sighed and Olivia smiled shyly.

He could tell she was nervous but she stood up to let her dress drop to the ground. The sexy teddy was all she was wearing now and he felt terribly overdressed. Olivia pulled him up by his hands, and started unbuttoning his shirt while he shrugged off his jacket and unbuckled his belt. He didn't want to rush things but he couldn't wait to get out of his clothes and into bed with her. Olivia pulled him in by his shirt for a kiss and he moaned in her mouth as one of his hands found her breast and the other one slid down her back until it covered her ass. Olivia pushed his shirt off his shoulders and when it was completely off, Elliot wrapped his arms around her again to lower her onto the bed gently.

Olivia's heart was pounding so fast that she was glad she was lying down. When they had gotten home, all she wanted was to jump her beautiful man. But now that they were here, her worries were coming back. What if she freaked out again? She couldn't do that to Elliot. He said he'd understand but she didn't want to disappoint him. But most of all, she wanted to be _able_ to make love to him. To take back what had been robbed from them, just when Elliot was coming back to her. This thought made her shake off her insecurity. She was taking it back, right now. She was Olivia Benson and she was going to be fearless again.

Elliot was leaning over her and kissing her neck softly, tracing the strap of her teddy down with his lips until he reached her cleavage.

"Relax Liv," he whispered against her chest. "You're safe here."

Olivia moved her hands over his shoulders and down his back, pulling him closer to her. She scooted over on the bed so Elliot could lie down next to her, but he got up again to get rid of his pants and socks first, only leaving his boxer briefs on. She smiled and reached for him again. Elliot crawled over to her and said softly,

"You're still a little overdressed, Liv."

Olivia blushed and he knew they were getting to the most difficult part for her. Revealing her scars.

"It can stay on," he heard her say softly, and her voice was trembling a little. "It opens down there too."

Elliot lay down close to her and pulled her flush against him, his hand finding its way down her back and thigh until it slipped between her legs.

"Interesting," he said.

He wasn't going to show it, but he was slightly disappointed that she was still trying to keep her body covered up. He would need to help her with this and he thought he knew how.

Olivia tried to keep breathing regularly but she was nervous as well as excited. When Elliot started moving down her body, both feelings became stronger. He was kissing her breasts over her teddy and then moved down to her stomach. He moved back on his knees and spread her legs before placing one knee between them. He kissed her softly over her teddy before finding the tiny snaps with his fingers. Olivia wriggled a bit under his touch and he moved one hand up to squeeze her breast while he slipped the fingers of his other hand inside her teddy. He looked at her face as he rubbed her gently with the back of his fingers as he undid each little snap carefully. Olivia was breathing quickly and he could tell she was apprehensive. Once the final snap was undone, he resisted the urge to shower her hot center with attention just yet. In stead, he moved back up her body until their faces were close.

"I love you Olivia," he told her again. "All of you, always."

He kissed her deeply and Olivia returned his kiss, pouring out all of her love for him. She loved all of him too and she wanted him desperately. To finally be completely one with him. When Elliot started tugging her straps down one by one, she let him. He'd seen some of the cigarette burns before so now he would just see more of them. She could handle it, and when she felt his warm mouth close over her exposed nipple, it was all worth it. She sighed and closed her eyes, feeling his tongue swirl around her nipple while his other hand exposed her other breast and rubbed it gently. It was so good to be touched again. To be touched by _him_ , at last.

Elliot's heart was pounding in his chest. He'd stared at her breasts for years, thinking about what it would like to hold them, squeeze them and taste them but all his daydreams were nothing compared to the real thing. Olivia was trembling and he knew she was still nervous, but she wasn't going to stop him. Her hands were caressing his back and she was taking deep breaths. He finally released her breasts reluctantly because they had another milestone to reach. Olivia followed his movements with her eyes when he scooted down again until he could slip his hand inside her teddy from below. He moved his hand up until it was covering her belly.

Olivia knew he was feeling the scars there and her breath hitched. She had hoped that tonight would be the night, and she had chosen the teddy on purpose, so she would have a choice how much of her body she was going to reveal to him. But was he going to give her that choice? His head moved down and she shivered when he placed soft, openmouthed kisses on her freshly shaven mound.

"So soft," he whispered, and he couldn't help wondering briefly if she had planned this in advance.

His hand moved up, taking the teddy with it and Elliot reached up with his other hand to fold the fabric away neatly, exposing Olivia's belly.

"El," she said softly.

"Ssshh," he said, leaning in to kiss the skin that had just been revealed to him.

He could feel her muscles tense up underneath his hand and mouth, and he moved very slowly, tracing each of her scars with his tongue before kissing them once and moving on to the next one. He caressed her thigh soothingly with his free hand and tried to keep the images out of his head of how she had gotten the scars. That animal had burned them into her skin. But it wasn't about Lewis. It was about Olivia and about them, together. She needed him now to be the strong one so he focused on her skin again. The beautiful skin of her beautiful body that was the vessel of her beautiful soul.

Olivia tried to relax. She hadn't expected Elliot to do what he was doing, but maybe he was right. If she wanted to take back her life and become fearless again, she shouldn't be afraid of showing herself to him completely. It was difficult to just enjoy their moment with all this tension inside her. She reached for Elliot's hand, that had moved up again inside her teddy and was now covering her stomach. Where the big scar was.

Elliot looked up at Olivia. She was holding her breath and had put her hand over his on her stomach. He remembered his young son's words. _It looks like a letter._ And Olivia's reply. _It's the first letter of the man's name_. Olivia considered it the most humiliating thing that had been done to her. To be branded for life. He needed to show her it didn't matter to him. Not in the way she worried about anyway. This wasn't about sex of making love for the moment. It was about acceptance and about conquering her shame. Elliot knew he had the easy part. He already accepted her completely. Now she needed to accept herself.

Elliot sat up, removing his hand from her sexy underwear and straddled Olivia. He held out his hands until she put her hands in his and pulled her up so she was sitting up. He kissed her forehead and put his hands on her cheeks. Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist and waited for him to speak.

"Liv, someone once said: Your body is not who you are. You shouldn't label yourself based on the way you look. What about defining yourself by a different kind of measurement? What about your heart, your soul, your compassion, your generosity, your strength and your power? There are so many other things to focus on besides your appearance."

Olivia swallowed and he could tell she knew what he was saying.

"Now to me, you are and will always be the most beautiful creature on the planet."

She smiled then and he kissed her nose.

"On top of that, you are the most compassionate, generous, strong and powerful woman I have ever met."

Her chin was trembling and Elliot wrapped his arms around her shoulders to hold her close. His voice was shaky when he added softly near her ear,

"Do you really think an ugly scar will make me change my mind about you?"

She didn't. Not really. It was just such a visible reminder of what she'd been through. I was difficult to accept.

"It happened Liv," Elliot said, as if reading her mind. "We can't make it unhappen. But we can move forward from here."

Olivia kissed his shoulder. He was an incredibly strong man, and not just physically. She would probably never be truly ready for this, but for him, she wanted to be.

"Alright El," she said, and she raised her arms. "Take it off."

Elliot breathed out slowly and tried to keep his hands steady when he reached down to find the fabric of her teddy that was bunched up around her waist. He pulled it up and over her head carefully. Olivia had closed her eyes and lay back down on her back. She was surrendering. He could see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes and he leaned over her to kiss her softly. Then he moved back down her body, reminding both of them that this wasn't just about scars or bad memories. It was about love. She was completely naked beneath him now and his body started reacting to her again. He kissed his way down her body, starting at her shoulders and making sure to give her breasts all the attention they deserved. He thought Olivia was beginning to feel excited again too, despite still being tense.

Elliot continued kissing his way down until he reached the big W. Olivia tensed up again. There was no way back now. She squeezed her eyes shut, until she felt Elliot caress her stomach with his hands and placing small kisses all over it.

"How can you kiss that," she sighed, covering her face with her hands.

Elliot sat up and looked at her. He understood why the scar bothered her. It bothered him too, but only because she had been hurt and humiliated. Not because she was any less attractive to him.

"Liv, I'm not kissing his mark," he said, and she lifted her head to look at him.

"I'm kissing _you_."

He leaned forward again and Olivia reached up to pull him close again, trying to suppress a sob but succeeding only partially. Elliot smoothed his body over hers and kissed her while he flipped them over until he was on his back and Olivia was straddling him. She sat up and Elliot put his hands around her waist.

"Let me look at you," he said and Olivia swallowed again, still a little uncomfortable with being completely naked in front of him.

But all she could see in his blue eyes was love, admiration and desire. He really wanted her, just like this, scars and all. She had known it with her head, but now, she was seeing it in his eyes and feeling it with her heart. And finally, her body joined in, letting go of all the tension and realizing she was actually naked. And she was okay. And Elliot should be naked now too.

She smiled and Elliot saw that it was a real smile. Olivia was back. She was emerging from the battle in her head and she was coming out victorious. She was leaning forward now and kissed his jaw while she moved to his right side and lay next to him. Her nipples were scraping his chest and he reached for her automatically, wrapping his right arm around her and cupping her right breast with his left hand. He felt her right hand move down his chest and his stomach until it slipped inside his boxer briefs.

"Are you ready for me daddy?" Olivia asked and they both laughed out loud.

The tension was broken completely and Elliot became bolder. He flipped them over again and quickly got rid of his last piece of clothing. He was kneeling next to her and Olivia moved her hand up his thigh slowly, until she could wrap it around his bobbing erection.

"I guess that's a yes, miss," Elliot answered her and he leaned over to kiss her again.

She let go of him, wrapping her arms around his waist in stead and pulling him in until he was on top of her, between her legs. Elliot broke off the kiss to look into her eyes, leaning on his elbows and running his hands through her hair. He asked her without words if she was still okay and she told him silently that she was.

"Make love to me," she said, and this time he knew she was ready.

He lifted his hips and reached between them with one hand to check if she was wet enough. She responded to his touch with a soft moan, and when he slid his fingers through her softness, he could feel her getting wet instantly. His heart rate was shooting up as well and he rubbed her softly until she moaned again.

"Don't make me beg," she grunted and he chuckled.

It was a turn-on to know she wanted him so badly and he was getting even harder now. He wondered briefly if she would need to be on top to feel like she was in control, but she was spreading her legs even wider and it was just too easy to fall into her at last, so he made his move. He retracted his hand and lowered himself slowly until he started entering her. He watched her face intently but Olivia had closed her eyes. She was breathing through her mouth and let out a soft sound as he pushed into her a little further. He wanted to go deeper and it was difficult to go slow.

Feeling him inside her for the first time was unreal. It had been so long that anyone had been inside her and knowing that it was Elliot made her even tighter. Her body was resisting the intrusion and she could feel Elliot hold back. She didn't want him to hold back and reached down until she could grab his firm ass. She pulled him in further and Elliot grunted. He pulled back a little and then moved again, making her gasp as he went deeper than before. He pulled back again and plunged even deeper.

Olivia let out a small cry and opened her eyes. Elliot pushed himself up on his arms and looked into her eyes. Had he hurt her?

"Move El," she said through gritted teeth, arching her back and wrapping her legs around his.

It was all he needed to know. He couldn't believe how tight she was as he buried himself inside her completely. Olivia groaned again, her eyes closed and her mouth open and Elliot thought it was the sexiest thing he'd even seen. What he was feeling though ... there were no words. Olivia started to move with him, spurring him on and he finally started moving rhythmically as well.

Soon, their bedroom was filled with the sounds of their lovemaking. The slapping of skin on skin, the soft whispers of lovers and a symphony of panting and groaning as they picked up speed. Olivia felt safe beneath Elliot's warm, firm body and Elliot felt at home inside her. Their bodies were pumping and their mouths found each other, tongues dancing and teeth clashing. Not wanting to crush her, Elliot flipped them over when his arms were threatening to give out, and when Olivia sat up, the new angle made both of them cry out in surprise and pleasure.

Elliot caressed her body and he could feel the pressure start to build up inside him as he watched her breasts bounce in front of him as her hips ground into his. Olivia was looking straight at him and arched her back, pushing her hair up with her hands.

"So beautiful," he whispered and the burning in her belly became even hotter when she heard those words.

Elliot grabbed her hips, guiding her movements as he bucked up even faster and Olivia cried out again. She wasn't sure if she could keep this up and finally fell forward, bracing herself on her arms.

Elliot didn't hesitate and flipped them over once again, slipping out of her in the process. Olivia gasped when he entered her quickly again, thrusting hard while staying on his knees and pushing her thighs up. Seeing him pounding into her like that was incredibly exciting and she could feel the heat building up even more deep inside her. He was hitting her at a new angle again and she tried to warn him that she was getting close, but no words would form.

Elliot was nearing his release as well and their eyes locked. They looked at each other and they knew. Elliot kept up the relentless pace and Olivia cried out once more before her orgasm came crashing over her from deep inside.

Elliot felt her body gripping him and he continued thrusting into her until the floodgates opened for him as well. Olivia was still convulsing around him when he joined her, his body releasing its load as the wave of ecstasy hit him, paralyzing his limbs momentarily. Releasing Olivia's legs, he fell forward into her waiting arms and buried his face in the crook of her neck. They moved languidly together as their orgasms slowly subsided, leaving them both spent and amazed after their incredible explosion of passion.

They were both completely out of breath but as Olivia felt Elliot's body relax on top of her, she felt a sense of peace come over her that made her smile despite the lack of oxygen. She caressed the back of his head and his neck as he was catching his breath and reveled in the feeling of his warm body against hers. Skin on skin with no barriers left at all. Elliot moved a little to the side so his weight wouldn't be on her completely, but she turned with him so they would stay connected as much as possible. She had worried for nothing. She hadn't had a single flashback or negative thought after she had gotten over her shame and had showed him her body. His love for her was unconditional and he had proved it to her. His eyes only saw her beauty and her strength, nothing else. And it was the same for her. She only saw his beauty and his strength. And his endless love for her. And it was healing her, a little bit every day. And some days, a little bit more. Like today.

...

...

 **A/N: Who recognized the "Your body is not who you are" quote? Yes, it's Mariska's!  
And did they do good? Do you want to read more? There will be some time jumps are ahead but there will be more to this story.  
**


	64. Stages

64.

When Olivia woke up the next morning, she looked at Elliot next to her. She was tucked away safely in his arm but something was different. She peeked underneath the sheets and realized she was completely naked. And then she remembered. Her cheeks warmed up. They had done it. Her leg was resting between his. Her arm was around his waist and she moved it down gingerly until she found the soft patch of hair and then his relaxed manhood. They had done it ... and she hadn't had a flashback or a bad dream or anything. Her heart was beginning to beat faster and she looked up at Elliot's face.

His eyes were open and he was grinning widely.

"Hey gorgeous, finally awake I see?"

She smiled, realizing she had been feeling him up a little and he had been awake already.

"Yeah. Just wrapping my brain around a few things," she said.

"Not just your brain Liv," Elliot said sternly, patting her hand on his now semi-erect member, and they both laughed.

Olivia pushed herself up on one elbow and Elliot's eyes flicked down to her chest. Olivia wanted to pull the sheet up but Elliot stopped her by putting his hand on her wrist.

"Don't Liv. You're beautiful."

"I will need some time to get used to you saying stuff like that," she admitted shyly.

"Okay, I'll say it over and over again until you're used to it," Elliot grinned and she laughed at that.

She sat up then, realizing that the sun had been up for a while.

"What time is it?"

"Uhm ... about eight I think," Elliot said, sitting up as well and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Shit!" Olivia exclaimed and she jumped out of bed. "I'm late for work!"

Elliot smiled when he saw her running around stark naked, trying to find something to wear.

"Try the other room Liv," he said dryly, knowing she'd want clean clothes. Olivia stopped looking under the bed, standing up and placing her hands on her hips.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" she asked, frowning.

He looked at her naked form in front of him and licked his lips, nodding slowly.

"Absolutely."

Olivia suddenly realized she was still naked and huffed before walking off quickly to find some clothes in the other room. Elliot chuckled and shook his head. He was happy and relieved that Olivia had managed to shake off her shame and hadn't even been aware of how exposed she'd just been. He'd be lying if he said her scars didn't jump out when he looked at her, but it wasn't what he focused on when he looked at her. If he did, he was certain he would just get angry at the man who had caused them. It wasn't what he wanted to focus on, for Olivia's sake as well as his own.

He knew it was going to be very difficult for Olivia to face the man again in court. The trial date still hadn't been set and Elliot made a mental note to ask Cragen if he knew anything about it, or maybe that new ADA, Barba. For now, he should help Olivia get ready for work, and he hopped out of bed, scooping up his boxer briefs and putting them on while walking out of the bedroom. He whipped up a quick smoothie for Olivia and practically had to force her to drink it before she ran out of the door.

"Thank you, gotta go, see you later, love you!" Olivia rattled off while hurrying out of the apartment.

Elliot smiled and shook his head again. She certainly had her energy back.

...

Olivia managed to find her groove again at work. Coming in late didn't become a habit and while nobody would mind, she didn't want any preferential treatment. Elliot had his interview at Missing Persons, and would get a call as soon as a position opened up that the Captain thought would suit him. Meanwhile, he continued working at the gym. They both stayed in therapy and their relationship grew stronger. Olivia still had bad nights and flashbacks but they were becoming less frequent. Sometimes she would break things off when they were in bed on or the couch together, but it wasn't out of fear or shame anymore. Elliot tried to understand that sometimes flashbacks would be so dark, that she needed time to find her balance again and wasn't able to give herself to him, physically or emotionally. He learned quickly when to hold her close and when to give her some space in stead.

Elliot spoke with Kathy again and her plans to move to LA were becoming more concrete. Jake Bronson had arranged a transfer to another hospital for her whenever she was ready. He was very happy for his son-in-law that he had found someone to love after their loss, and was helping them in any way he could. Eli was just starting first grade, having been admitted early because he would be six in November and was deemed a very smart kid. Kathy pointed out that, if switching schools during this school year would interfere with his progress, he could just do first grade twice and still be no older than his class mates. That was typically something Kathy would take into consideration.

"So you really want him to come live with me?" Elliot asked her, almost afraid to believe what he was hearing. "Wouldn't you miss him terribly?"

"I would, of course," Kathy said. "Just like you miss him now. There is no middle way here, it's either one or the other. So I'm trying to think of what's best for Eli. Not what I would want for myself."

Elliot couldn't argue with that, and didn't intend to try. Kathy promised him she would speak to Eli and Elliot would talk to Olivia. He already knew what Olivia would say but he didn't want to put any pressure on Kathy to make a decision, fearing it might somehow backfire. He was still getting used to the idea that they were both seeing someone else now, and that Kathy was okay with that.

...

After a few weeks, Olivia finally brought up their living arrangements. Elliot hadn't even given it a second thought but Olivia thought it was important to discuss it. She wasn't surprised but she still felt some relief that Elliot wanted her to stay indefinitely. She insisted on paying her part if she moved in officially. Giving up her apartment wasn't difficult, now that it held so many bad memories. She wanted to be present though, when Kathleen, Dick and Lizzie came to help her move out. She didn't want to keep much of the furniture, just a few small things that held sentimental value, like a side table that had belonged to her mother, and two matching lamps that she was attached to. Other than that, nothing really held good memories for her. The most important things she wanted to keep were her books. While the Stablers packed up the bedroom and the living room, Olivia went through everything in the bathroom and then the kitchen. One of the frying pans caught her eye and she remembered how Lewis had used it to heat up her keys and coat hangers. She tried to ignore it but while she went through her collection of wine glasses, bowls and plates, her eyes just kept going back to the pan. She dropped one of the bowls accidentally and it smashed on the kitchen floor.

Elliot had just been dragging the couch towards the door with Dick and looked up to see what Olivia was up to. She was leaning on the kitchen counter, hanging her head and breathing erratically. Elliot glanced at his son, who looked confused. Elliot held up his hand, indicating that he had this, and set down the couch. He walked over to Olivia and stood next to her until she would look up at him.

Dick looked at his father, clearly confused and Elliot motioned at him to just take out some smaller things. Dick nodded and Elliot turned back around to Olivia.

She was leaning against the counter and Elliot stood next to her, giving her space to breathe but staying close. He hated seeing her like this but it shouldn't surprise him that it was happening today, here, where her nightmare had started. He watched her go through the stages that were becoming familiar to him, although they didn't always happen in the same order. Get through the flashback. Focus on the present. Shake off the darkness. Control breathing. Take in surroundings. Make eye contact. That was his cue. He approached Olivia, looking into her eyes. Sometimes she would cry and sometimes she would just sigh. And sometimes she would shut down. But she would always let him hold her afterwards, right away or later on. It was right away this time and he stroked her back and her hair and she leaned into him.

"I didn't want the kids to see this," she said softly, her breath tickling the skin of his neck.

"You can't control it Liv. It's okay. You wanna go outside for a bit? Get some air?"

She nodded and Elliot went downstairs with her. Dick had apparently briefed his sisters already, because they were all keeping busy and didn't look at Olivia. They returned fifteen minutes later to find the kitchen completely cleaned out. Kathleen and Lizzie had put everything in boxes and had marked the boxes so Olivia could decide which ones to go through later and which ones just to donate right away. Dick had taken most of the smaller furniture out of the living room and had piled it up next to the elevator. Kathleen had rented a car, and everything Olivia wanted to keep or sort through later would go in her rental and Elliot's car. As if on cue, a moving van arrived to take the rest away to be either donated or thrown out.

Olivia was grateful for all the help. As she put the last box full of books in the car, Elliot and Dick were helping the movers put the last items into the truck. After the truck had left, Olivia wanted to take one last look around the apartment. The kids waited downstairs as she went back up one last time, with Elliot in tow. It was different now, completely empty. She took her time checking every room, every closet and cupboard, making sure nothing was left behind and saying goodbye to the place consciously.

Elliot watched her closely, looking for signs of discomfort, but she was being very brave. When Olivia was finished they stood together in the middle of the living room. She put her arms around his waist and Elliot wrapped his arms around her.

"I told Dr. Lindstrom that I haven't thrived here," she said, her voice trembling slightly. "I don't want to go back to the way things were. I want things to be better than they were."

"They will Liv, eventually," Elliot assured her. "You're not alone anymore."

Elliot took a deep breath when it hit him again that all the years she had lived here, and he had come by to pick her up, or had dropped her off or had visited her, she had essentially been alone. He always wanted her to have a family too, and now she was being absorbed by _his_ family. She finally wasn't alone anymore and she never would be again. Olivia lifted her head from his shoulder and looked at him. He could see the beginning of tears in her eyes.

"You've always had my back," she said. "I wasn't really alone."

"Yes, you were," Elliot said sadly, "and I'm sorry I couldn't be more to you back then."

Olivia kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

"You can make it up to me in the next fifteen years, okay?"

"Deal," Elliot said with a grin. "Now let's get out of here and go home."

"Home," she repeated softly.

This apartment wasn't home anymore. Maybe it never had been. Her home was with Elliot now. It probably always had been.

...

Olivia insisted on making dinner for all of them after they took all of her things into the spare bedroom. Lizzie helped her and as they worked side by side on a big pan of soup and a nice piece of meat for the men, Lizzie asked her about her necklace.

"What does it say, Olivia?" the youngest of the Stabler girls asked her.

Olivia held out the pendant to let Lizzie read it.

"It says Fearlessness. I had one before, but it's being held as evidence in my case against Lewis. My therapist gave me this one to replace it."

"Fearlessness," Lizzie repeated. "That's a very powerful word."

Olivia smiled.

"It's what I'm trying to go back to. I don't want to be afraid anymore. Not of others and not of myself."

Lizzie let her words sink in as she stirred the soup they were making together. After a minute she asked Olivia,

"Why would you be afraid of yourself?"

Olivia put down the meat fork and glanced at the young woman. How could she explain in just a few words that she freaked herself out sometimes? She thought back to her very uncomplicated conversations with little Eli and smiled when she thought of him. In his world, things were always simple. How would Eli put it?

"Well, ever since Lewis took me, I sometimes feel very angry for no reason. At least not a reason I can explain right away. And that makes me worry that I will do something out of anger that really isn't okay."

Lizzie smiled and Olivia looked at her, wondering why she was smiling.

"You do know that dad has the same problem, don't you?"

Lizzie looked at her then and grinned.

"You two better not get the heebie-jeebies at the same time then."

Olivia laughed out loud at that, and then they both laughed so hard that the others looked at them, wondering if everything was alright in the kitchen. Elliot looked at his partner's laughing face. She had come out of her discomfort so quickly today and he was very proud of her. And it warmed his heart to see her having fun with Lizzie. Laughter was a great medicine for the soul. He could see all the residual tension leave Olivia's body and thoughts, and when they all sat down to eat, he could tell she was okay. She was more than okay.

...

...

 **PS. To the guest reviewer who was definitely NOT crying during the previous chapter: I wasn't either ... just like you :) and congrats on being my 700th reviewer.**


	65. Shower

**From now on, I will have to take some liberties with regards to the actual episodes because of Elliot's presence in Liv's life. Writer's prerogative. I'm sure you won't mind :)**

...

65.

 **September 2013**

"Hey El, are you home?"

"In here!"

Olivia looked around until she found Elliot in the spare bedroom.

"What are you doing?" she asked him, looking at the tools on the bed and the holes he'd made in the wall between the bedroom and the hallway.

"Putting up some shelves for your books," Elliot said, pointing at the stack of boxes that contained her book collection. "How was your day?"

Olivia gave him a quick peck on the cheek and sat down on the bed while Elliot continued working on the shelves.

"Well, remember I told you that IAB actually asked us for help on a case?"

"Yeah. Kinda shocking, that you're helping our 'friend' Tucker now," Elliot grinned.

"The case just got a little more shocking."

Elliot turned his head to look at her over his shoulder.

"That so?"

Olivia nodded, unsure of how Elliot would react to her little announcement.

"Yeah. We think two cops at the 12th are raping women and Tucker is sending Brian in undercover."

"Brian? Cassidy?"

"The same. If he does this, he may get his shield back. And Nick and I have been assigned as his backup."

Elliot turned his attention back to fastening the shelfholders to the wall so he could attach the shelves to them. Olivia knew he was stewing a bit and decided to just give him some time to get used to the idea that she would be working with Brian for a while. Personal issues needed to be set aside for the case. He knew that but she knew it would still bother him.

...

It did bother Elliot, but not for the reason she thought. He wasn't jealous. He was still furious with the man for hurting Olivia the way he had.  
To make matters worse, Olivia came home that Friday night with a splitting headache, and when she finally told him what had brought it on he just wanted to go over to Cassidy's place and punch his face in.

"He actually got a blowjob from a hooker while you and Nick were listening in?"

Olivia nodded and he could tell that it bothered her more than she was letting on. He sat down behind her sideways on the couch and told her to lean back so he could rub her temples. She tried to relax and sighed a few times while he worked on her temples and then on her tense shoulders.

"What Liv?" Elliot asked her, wondering if she was maybe going to cry.

Olivia tried to dismiss it but when Elliot prodded a little more she gave in.

"It's just ... it makes me wonder, you know. How many times that happened on his undercover ops when we were together. He calls it work but it isn't to me. Not at all."

Elliot kissed her neck and pulled her close to him.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that Liv. And I agree. That isn't work. Now, I've never been undercover as deep as he's been but you have to know that I would never let something like that happen. Ever."

Olivia smiled and reached back so she could wrap her hand around the back of his neck.

"I know that El. It just hurts to know that Brian apparently always had different values in that respect."

Elliot kissed her cheek and Olivia turned her head so she could kiss him on the lips. They both leaned back on the couch and Olivia turned her body around, until she was lying on top of Elliot between his legs, kissing him fiercely. When they broke apart, Elliot grinned and said,

"If this is the way you are going to vent your frustrations after work, I'm game."

Olivia grinned as well, and kissed him again. She really needed to feel loved tonight, still feeling some of the rejection she had felt when she found out that Brian had been unfaithful. She knew his undercover operations were a lot deeper than the short ones she and Elliot had done, but they had never even so much as kissed each other to protect their cover. But they were allowed to kiss now, and she let herself enjoy it.

Elliot could feel that Olivia needed him to take away the memories of her pain that had resurfaced today, and he was more than willing to oblige. Her kisses expressed a longing that made his body respond very quickly to her. They had made love twice since that unforgettable first time and he could feel her confidence growing each time. She wasn't insecure about showing him her body anymore, and her fear that something uncontrollable might be unleashed if she let herself go with him, was becoming less and less. He thought she was still holding back a little and after breaking things off a few times, she had become a little insecure again. But there was nothing insecure about her actions tonight. She was attacking his mouth with hers and her hands were inside his shirt already. She sat up abruptly and pulled him up by his hands.

"I should take a shower. Join me?"

Elliot was up and walking her backwards towards the shower in seconds and before they reached the bathroom, their shirts were already discarded and Elliot was fumbling with her bra. Olivia giggled when he couldn't get it off but didn't help him. She pushed his sweats and underwear down in stead and then started on her own pants. When they stumbled into the bathroom, she turned around to turn on the water, and Elliot could finally see what he was doing. As soon as her bra hit the floor, his hands were on her full breasts and his warm chest was against her back.

"How's your headache?" Elliot whispered in her ear, and she told him,

"Almost gone, thanks to you."

"When I'm done with you, you won't even remember having a headache," he promised her.

Olivia moaned when he squeezed her breasts and pinched her erect nipples between his thumbs and forefingers.

"I'm forgetting already," she groaned, reaching behind her to rub his growing erection.

Elliot released her reluctantly to kick his sweats and boxer shorts from around his ankles and take off his socks. Olivia stepped out of her pants and panties too and stepped into the shower. Elliot was right behind her and closed the curtain, his hands reaching around her to find her breasts again right away. Olivia tried to focus on getting some shampoo and shower gel on her body but Elliot wasn't really helping. He was nipping at her ear and moving his hands down her body until he found his destination between her legs.

"El," she sighed, "help me with the soap first?"

"Why?" he mumbled against her shoulder but when she stopped his hands, he held them out so she could squirt some shower gel in them.

"I'm gonna smell like a girl tomorrow," he said, rubbing his hands together before putting them right back on her breasts again.

"So? Tomorrow is Saturday. Who's gonna know?"

She squirted some shampoo in her own hands and started washing her hair. Elliot still wasn't cooperating though, and by the time most of the shampoo was in her hair, she was squirming and panting because his hands had drifted down again and he was working his magic on her with his fingers. She leaned back against his chest and tried to grab his hips behind her for support, but her hands were too slippery. Elliot had slipped two fingers inside her and was rubbing her with his thumb. His other hand was drifting up her body again until he put it under her chin to turn her head towards him. He leaned forward to kiss her on the lips and she moaned again, the tingly feeling in her lower half increasing as their tongues tangled and Elliot's hand drifted back down from her jaw to her breasts.

Elliot could feel Olivia squirming and moved her into the spray so all the soap could wash off her and she wouldn't get cold. He'd already showered after work so he wasn't bothering with soap for himself. All he wanted now was to make Olivia come in the shower. She broke off their intense kiss to catch her breath and leaned her head back on his shoulder. Elliot attached his mouth to her neck, still continuing to move his fingers in and out of her and rubbing her little nub of pleasure without pausing. Olivia grabbed his upper arms, but not to stop him, only for support. She moaned again, trying to say something but failing.

"It's okay Liv," he said softly and he felt her body shiver at his words.

Elliot wrapped his arm around her waist to hold her up and Olivia felt her body shake as she let go, letting her orgasm wash over her. She cried out as a second wave hit her that was even more intense than the first, as her hips bucked to meet his thick fingers that were still moving inside her. Who would have thought that this big angry cop could have such a fine touch in the bedroom? Or in the shower or on the couch ... She could see it happening in different places around the apartment and as she was catching her breath, she couldn't help laughing when she realized that she was in fact becoming fearless again, at least when it came to sex.

"What's so funny?" her sexy partner asked her, and she turned around to face him when he slipped his fingers out of her.

"Nothing. I'm just happy," she told him, and then kissed him softly.

Elliot started rinsing out her hair while they kissed and it made her smile again, until she felt his raging hard-on against her hip. She moved her hands from his back to his chest and then moved them down his body until she could wrap a hand around him.

"I believe we have some unfinished business here," she said seductively and Elliot grinned widely.

"You have any ideas how to fix that?" he asked her.

He was glad she was in a sexy mood but his heart skipped a beat when she turned around again in his arms, and pushed her perfect butt against his crotch. She leaned forward and put her hands against the wall of the shower, the water now falling onto her back and cascading down her body and his. She looked at him over her shoulder and licked her lips.

"I can think of a way," he heard her say and his hands were on her hips already.

He took a deep breath and fisted himself a few times. Another one of his fantasies was about to come true and he took a few deep breaths. He lined himself up behind her and teased her entrance a few times with his tip, until she pushed herself into him again. There was no hesitation on her part, so he decided he didn't need to hesitate either. He moved forward, entering her slowly from behind, and was rewarded with a long groan from Olivia, who arched her back to meet him, allowing him to go even deeper. She was tight and the feeling of her body gripping him combined with seeing her perfect curves in front of him, made him think he could come right now.

"God Liv, you're just perfect," he sighed as he pulled out a little and pushed into her again.

Olivia groaned again, dropping her head forward between her outstretched arms, and Elliot repeated the movement, feeling the pressure building up in his body already. He picked up speed and started pushing into her. He could see the muscles in her arms and shoulders working but he couldn't stop. Olivia was beginning to pant with him and he knew she wouldn't stop him now. All his senses were on overload and he was on the edge already. He reached around her with one hand, the other one holding on to her hip for balance, and his hand found her full breast as he leaned over her. The new angle made him even harder and he continued slamming into her faster and faster until he couldn't hold back any longer.

Elliot groaned loudly as he released inside her and Olivia could feel a new orgasm build up inside her as well. As Elliot rode out his, holding on to her hips for dear life, she gasped as she tumbled over the edge again. Elliot held onto her, sensing she was coming again and pushed into her a few more times before placing his hands next to her against the wall. They were both out of breath and stood like that for half a minute before Olivia turned around slowly to wrap her arms around Elliot's neck. He reached behind her to turn off the water and kissed her softly.

"That was amazing Liv," he sighed, his eyes closed and his lips still against hers.

"Hmmm, agreed," Olivia mumbled back. "I just wanna sleep now."

Without missing a beat, Elliot lifted her up bridal style and made his way to the bedroom. She laughed and when they fell into bed, still completely soaked, she wrapped her arms and legs around him, trapping him on top of her, and kissed him again.

"I thought you wanted to sleep," Elliot said with a grin.

"I do," she said, "I just want to hold you close."

"I'm not going anywhere Liv," he assured her. "Not ever again."

He rolled them on their sides and pulled the sheets over their wet bodies. Neither of them wanted to get up again to dry off, and they drifted off to sleep contently within minutes.

...

 **A/N I know it was a bit short but I think it was nice, don't you? To be continued soon.**


	66. Wine

**To guest reviewer Shakira: sometimes chapters are a bit shorter because I've said all I wanted to say about a certain subject. I made sure this one is longer though, just for you ;) This story isn't over yet!**

...

66.

Things got out of hand very quickly when Brian's wire went dead on his next shift with officer West. Nick and Olivia barely reached them in time to prevent West and Quinn from executing Brian. They brought both officers in and interrogated them separately. Olivia saw something in officer Quinn that reminder her of another time in her own life, and in a twisted way, she could relate to the woman.

She started by telling the officer that her partner, officer West, was ratting her out in the next room.

"No. He has my back. He always has. You don't know him."

"Like you do?" Olivia asked the woman.

"That's right."

"Well, five years, you know. Riding around in a car together, you get close. You guys were involved?" Olivia asked.

It was a question that many of her co-workers had had about her and Elliot over the years and she could certainly see how feelings would develop when partners worked together for so long. After all, they had for her as well.

"It wasn't like that," Quinn assured her. "He's married, has a kid."

"So you banged him a few times, and now you're trying to prove that you're cool with him doing other chicks?"

She knew she was being blunt but she was trying to rattle the woman.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Quinn maintained.

"Okay."

Olivia sat down and looked at the female officer from across the table. "Let me ask you a question. When's the last time you had a boyfriend? Or even went on a date?"

Quinn didn't say anything, but her face betrayed her discomfort, admitting silently what she couldn't say out loud. But Olivia knew. She'd been there herself. She knew only too well. She had practically put her life on hold during those years.

"What, you gotta be 40, right? Little more? Probably wondering if you'll ever have a family, or ... or if riding around with him for the next ten years will be enough for you."

 _Like it was for me._

"He looked out for me."

Olivia really could relate to Quinn. Only Quinn's partner was nothing like Elliot. At all.

When Nick asked her how West looked out for her, Quinn admitted that she had been using a little coke during her first year, and West knew about it. He'd gotten her though a random drug test and never said another word about it.

"And you think that that means that he loves you?" Olivia asked, speaking softly. "He was holding that against you. He knew that you felt that way about him. And he was using that too. I mean, what did you think? That... that he was gonna leave his wife and his kid for you? A coke-head?"

Quinn looked very uncomfortable now, on the brink of tears.

"You spent the last five years sitting in that car, hoping that one day, that he'd look over at you and suddenly realize that you were the woman that he couldn't live without?"

Olivia asked her, once again realizing how close this was hitting to home.

"What was it he told Cassidy?" Nick chimed in, reading from his memo book. _"Girls like Quinny, you throw them a couple crumbs. They're so grateful, they'll do anything."_

Quinn couldn't believe that West had said that and Nick tossed his memo book on the table.

"Yeah, he did. And worse," Olivia assured the woman. "It's over. It's not gonna happen. It was never gonna happen. I'm sorry."

...

Quinn finally threw in the towel and would give up the officers involved. Olivia did feel for the woman. Nothing excused facilitating rape and Quinn deserved what was coming to her. But on a personal level, had she been so different? Hadn't she covered for Elliot many times, like he had for her? They hadn't really covered up heinous crimes but still. They had crossed some lines and had saved each others' shields several times. It was confronting to see how far people would go for love. Or for something they mistook for love. Fortunately, unlike with West and Quinn, the need to protect had been mutual for her and Elliot. If it hadn't been, they wouldn't have stuck together for so long. Would they? How far would she have gone to keep Elliot in her life?

Olivia was still thinking it over when she finally got home that night. On top of everything, Cragen had dropped a bomb shell on her right before she went home. Munch had put his papers in. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. And Cragen's mandatory retirement was coming up. Everyone was leaving and her mind was a mess. When she dropped her things on the breakfast bar, she didn't see Elliot. The lights in the living room were dimmed and she walked to the bedroom quietly. He was sleeping. She sighed and headed back to the kitchen to get herself a drink. She needed some time to unwind before she'd be able to sleep.

It wasn't easy to relax with all this turmoil in her head and after a while, she noticed that she'd almost drank a whole bottle of wine. When she got up from the couch, she was unsteady on her feet. She managed to brush her teeth and finally flopped onto the bed still fully clothed. Elliot stirred in his sleep, and wrapped an arm around her waist. He didn't wake up and Olivia sighed. She had wanted to talk to him before going to bed but she couldn't blame him for not waiting up for her. She shouldn't need him to calm down, but she knew she did. After another fifteen minutes, she drifted off into a restless slumber.

...

 _Where are we? He's dragging me into a house. I'm barely awake after half sitting, half lying in that car for hours. We walk through a room and then into another, where he dumps me on a bed. I land on my stomach, my hands still cuffed behind my back, and I try to see what Lewis is doing._

 _"I gotta lose the car," he tells me. "It won't take me that long, though."_

 _He leans towards me and whispers,_

 _"Are you gonna miss me? Hmm?"_

 _I whimper, unable to speak with the tape over my mouth, and look past Lewis at the toilet I can just see from the bedroom. He looks behind him._

 _"Of course. It's been a long time. All that vodka, right?"_

 _It hurts. I try to turn on my back. I really have to go and my throat is making desperate sounds I don't recognize as my own. And he just stands there._

 _"Let's go," he says, staring at me coldly._

 _I'm squirming, trying to get up from the bed but I just can't._

 _"Do you need help?" Lewis asks me snidely. "I can help you."_

 _He grabs me around the waist with one arm while holding his gun - my gun - in his other hand so I can see it. I try to steady myself so I'll be able to walk to the toilet. But how will I go, with my hands cuffed behind my back? The cop in me is scanning the room for ways to escape but my brain is too foggy to register things clearly. When Lewis pushes me into the small space and uncuffs me there, I know that there will be no way out. He doesn't close the door but keeps the gun pointed at me while he watches me pull down my pants and panties. I close my eyes and sit down quickly, almost missing the toilet and he laughs. It's a cold, harsh laugh followed by a groan. Is he touching himself again? I'm not going to look and groan as well when I can finally pee. There is no paper and I pull my panties up quickly when I'm done, but Lewis is already next to me._

 _"Allow me," he says with a grin, putting a hand on my butt while pushing the gun against my chin._

 _He pushes his groin against my right side and I think I'm going to be sick when I feel his erection press into my hip. He manages to put the cuffs back on with one hand and then pulls my pants back up without bothering to button them up._

 _"Patience sweetheart. It's not time yet."_

 _He takes the gun in his left hand and shoves his right hand down my pants, cupping me over my panties and pressing his fingers into my flesh. I panic and try to move away from him, but bump into the doorway. Lewis moves his fingers again and presses the gun into my lower back._

 _"Can't wait huh? I should do you right here, right now."_

"Nooooooo!"

The shrill sound of her voice woke Elliot up and within a second he was sitting up next to her. He watched her go through the stages again and spoke to her softly until she looked at him with blurry eyes.

"You with me Liv?" he asked, putting a hand on her lower back.

Why was she still dressed and why was there smudged makeup on her face? She nodded and he pulled her against his chest. She sagged against him and let out a shaky sigh.

"Sorry to wake you up like that," she mumbled and Elliot looked down to look at her face. He smelled alcohol on her breath and wondered what time she'd gotten home, and how much she'd had to drink.

"Liv. Look at me," he said softly, and she shifted her gaze to meet his eyes.

Her eyes were bloodshot and not focused.

"Are you drunk?" he asked her when she closed her eyes again quickly.

She frowned and pushed herself up and away from him.

"Of course not, don't be stupid."

She was slurring her words and Elliot glanced at the clock. It was 2 AM. She must have gotten home really late. Olivia was already lying down again, and after making sure she was alright, he got out of bed and walked to the living room. He spotted the nearly empty wine bottle right away. She hadn't even turned off the lights. What was going on? When he returned to the bedroom, Olivia was asleep again. He wanted to confront her about the drinking but decided he should wait until morning. She wasn't in a good place right now to have a conversation like that anyway, and he was tired too.

He had waited up for a while for her, but around midnight he had gone to bed. He had some news to share with her, but that would have to wait as well. He got back into bed and lay on his side facing Olivia, looking at her sleeping form. Her breathing was even but her face still wasn't relaxed. He wondered if her bad dream was still haunting her now. She was being very brave but he knew she was still vulnerable, although others probably wouldn't see it anymore. She knew better than anyone that drinking wasn't the answer, so he wondered what had prompted her to drink almost a whole bottle of wine tonight.

...

Olivia didn't really have an answer for him the next morning. She guessed it was all just too much at once. She was still restless, slouching on her stool at the breakfast bar, and he wasn't sure if she could take any more news, even if it was good news for a change. And then she spotted the sparkly envelope on the kitchen counter and asked what it was, so there was no way around it. He handed her the envelope, telling her Maureen had delivered it herself, and started making them both some coffee.

"Oh, the wedding," Olivia sighed when she read the card, and he glanced at her.

There was a small smile on her lips so that was a good sign.

"On her birthday, September 30. That's sweet."

Elliot thought back to the same date one year ago, when he'd kissed Olivia for the very first time at Maureen's birthday party. A lot had happened since, and not only good things. He saw her rubbing her forehead and wondered if she had an actual hangover.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked her cautiously.

Olivia glared at him and he wondered again about the drinking. She really wasn't herself this morning. He could understand that Munch and Cragen retiring was a shock for her, but he would like to think she had some solid ground in her life now, so she should be able to handle these things better. But maybe he had overestimated her recovery.

"Hey El," she said, still looking at the wedding invitation. "It's kinda short notice, don't you think? I had expected she'd let us know the date sooner."

Elliot shrugged. Kathy had probably know sooner but Maureen and Steven most likely hadn't wanted to bother them too much.

"Did you want to help her with the preparations?" he asked.

Olivia couldn't even think about it and sighed "God, no" before shoving the card away from her and resting her head on her arms on the bar. Her head didn't feel right and she really needed a cup of coffee. Everything was too much right now. She made a mental note not to drink alone again because it hadn't helped her to relax at all. In stead, she'd had another nightmare and she felt like crap now. She knew Elliot was trying, but she just couldn't find the energy to respond to him. After two cups of coffee and another smoothie she'd drank reluctantly, Elliot rounded the breakfast bar and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, setting her to her feet.

"Up you go," he said, "you are going back to bed. I'm calling you in sick."

Olivia tried to resist but she didn't have the strength, and going back to bed was actually very appealing right now. She slept better, and when Elliot woke her up gently around noon, she felt a lot better too. She asked Elliot how Cragen had reacted when he'd called him that she wasn't coming in for work and Elliot told her that he'd been very understanding.

"You may not like it Liv, and you probably won't want to use it too often, but they will be giving you a lot of leeway for quite some time to come."

Olivia sat up in bed and forced a smile. Elliot was right. She didn't want to use it at all. In fact, she didn't want the leeway. But calling in sick today had been a wise move and she thanked Elliot, even if it bothered her that he'd made the decision for her.

"You're welcome Benson, unless you go badass on me. In that case, I want your ass back at the precinct stat."

She smiled a real smile then, and he grinned at her as he sat down on the bed next to her. Olivia put a hand against his cheek, and Elliot turned his head to kiss the inside of her hand.

"And if I don't go badass on you El? Where do you want my ass then?"

His stomach fluttered at the question and he let himself drop on his back on the bed.

"Seriously Liv? You can go from zero to 90 that fast?"

Olivia lay back on the bed as well, on her side so she faced him. She looked at him, really looking at him for the first time that day. She remembered the kiss as well, on September 30 of last year. So much had changed since then and they were still here. He was still here, being her rock. And she needed him more than she cared to admit. If he had been awake the night before, she was pretty sure she wouldn't have drank so much. But she shouldn't become too dependent on him.

Elliot looked at her face and could see the wheels turning.

"And back to zero Liv? Come on, talk to me," he said, turning towards her so they were both lying on their sides, facing each other.

Olivia snuggled up to him, hiding her face between his face and the mattress, and Elliot sighed. He wrapped an arm around her and stroked her back gently. She was off today but at least she wasn't pushing him away. Maybe her recovery would take longer than he had expected. He'd asked Cragen about Lewis' trial again, and Cragen had told him that the man had finally been moved from the hospital wing to an actual cell. ADA Barba was preparing the case but had received a motion from Lewis' attorney. Cragen expected that it wouldn't be his only motion, so they were in for a long ride.

Elliot noticed that Olivia was trembling slightly and tried to look at her face. She kept it hidden though, until he simply pushed himself up on one arm. She was crying. His heart broke a little for her. He lay back down next to her, his face close to hers.

"What's wrong honey?" he whispered and Olivia tried to blink her tears away.

She took a deep breath, and her next words caught him completely off guard.

"Don't ever leave me El. I don't think I'd survive it."

...

...

 **A/N: Apologies, I know this wasn't my best chapter. I promise I'll do better!**


	67. Fun

**Going to do some summarizing, taking lines and details from the show here and there while we move forward in time. I added the first little scene because of a few reviews I got. Enjoy!**

...

67.

 _"What's wrong honey?" he whispered and Olivia tried to blink her tears away._

 _She took a deep breath, and her next words caught him completely off guard._

 _"Don't ever leave me El. I don't think I'd survive it."_

Elliot lowered himself onto the bed again, until his face was close to Olivia's. It was frustrating sometimes how insecure she could get and he tried to find the right words to say to her. She would have to get over this fear of losing him, or it might actually come between them. He wiped the tears from her face carefully with two fingers and took a deep breath.

"Liv," he said softly, "look at me please."

Olivia looked up at him and she could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"I have loved you for as long as I've known you. I've seen you at your best and I've seen you at your worst, and I love you more today than I ever have before. I would crawl over broken glass to get to you whenever you need me. I don't know what else to tell you or what else to do to prove it to you."

Olivia bit her lip and tried not to start crying again. He shouldn't have to prove anything to her. She knew he loved her. Sometimes she was just still afraid that he'd grow tired of her, so she told him just that. Elliot laughed out loud and pulled her close to him.

"Liv, I assure you, you have pulled just about all the crap you could pull on me over the years and I'm still here. That should tell you something, right?"

That finally made Olivia smile and she tried to relax.

"Just promise me one thing, okay?" Elliot asked her.

"Anything El."

"Talk to Lindstrom about this."

"Okay. I will."

...

Olivia and Dr. Lindstrom spent an entire session on her fear of depending on Elliot too much as well as her fear of losing him, and Elliot addressed it in his session with Dr. Smith. While Olivia was learning how to maintain a healthy relationship, which she had never learned before, Elliot asked for advice on how to support her in her process without crumbling himself. Late that night, they both came home with the same message from their therapists: it was very important to do fun stuff together, like going to a movie or a baseball game or whatever they used to do before their lives were turned upside down. Or to do something completely new together. To enjoy life together and build new, happy memories and to just relax together. Maybe even go on a vacation for a few days. Olivia told him how Dr. Lindstrom hat put it.

"Do things that make you happy. If you focus on the good in life and on the positive things, then it can shake the negative emotions and patterns away. It won't be a magical cure and you will still have good days and bad days. It's a process. Little steps. They add up."

Elliot told her that Dr. Smith had said things along the same lines, putting great emphasis on the word _fun_.

"So, what are we going to do that is fun and relaxing?" Olivia asked when they were sitting on the couch together after their long day.

"At this hour?" Elliot said with a devious smile. "I can think of only one thing that's fun an relaxing."

Olivia jumped up and hopped into Elliot's lap with a wide grin.

"I mean in general El," she said, trying to sound stern but failing miserably. "Not right now."

Elliot pulled her close to him and put his chin on her shoulder.

"I thought we could be off to a great start by taking a bath together."

Olivia looked at him with her mouth wide open and he grinned again.

"What? What did you think I meant?" he asked her innocently and she laughed out loud.

"Cocky bastard," she muttered while sliding off his lap. "But I have to admit that it's actually a great idea. I'll run a bath for us right now."

Olivia decided to fill the tub in 'her' bathroom, where she had always felt very comfortable. She used the most neutral bath foam she could find, otherwise Elliot might complain again that he'd smell like a girl.

When Elliot joined her in the bathroom, he brought their robes and two sodas. No wine for Olivia for a while, he had decided. They stripped quickly and Elliot watched as Olivia lowered herself slowly in the hot water. Once she was sitting, he stepped in as well, ignoring how Olivia was checking him out openly. There was no hiding the fact that he was turned on a little but that wasn't what this quality time was about. Well, not _just_ that, he added in his head.

They settled in the tub, facing each other and tangling their legs until they were both comfortable. When they leaned back, they both let out a content sigh simultaneously. They laughed and had to agree that it was good to do something relaxing together, to take their mind off the things that worried them. They talked about all kinds of things and were looking forward to having Eli with them again, and to Maureen's wedding. When the water started to cool off, Elliot added a little more warm water, and sprayed some on Olivia's hair as well, so she could wash and rinse it quickly. Looking at them now, they were just regular people in a healthy relationship. And that was exactly the point, Dr. Smith had told him. They _were_ regular people and they shouldn't let their childhood issues or a traumatic experience make them think they weren't.

It was good to relax together, and when they finally decided to get out of the tub, they dried each other off lovingly, stealing a few kisses here and there before slipping into their robes and brushing their teeth. Their warm bodies found each other again in bed and they made love to each other tenderly before falling asleep contently. They woke up refreshed the next morning and agreed that they were definitely taking another bath together very soon.

...

Olivia could only attend part of Munch's retirement party because she caught a case in the middle of it, but she was coming to terms with the fact that her dear friend would no longer be at his desk every day. Elliot stayed a little longer. It was good to see everyone again and when Captain Cragen announced that Munch would not retire completely but would become a special investigator for the DA's office, he perked up. It was something he hadn't though of before, but it sounded like an interesting job with more regular hours. Munch encouraged him to drop by soon and he'd fill him in on what the job entailed. Cragen confided in him, telling him he was planning to ask Olivia to take the sergeant's exam soon. She'd been his number two for quite a while now, and he wanted to make it official. Elliot wasn't sure how Olivia would respond and if she was ready for this step, but he wouldn't bring it up until the Captain had spoken with Olivia.

And then there was the wedding.

His oldest was actually getting married. Kathy, Peter and Eli flew in on Friday and Eli begged his mother to let him stay with his dad and Olivia in his own room. Kathy said that naturally that was fine. She and Peter would be staying at a hotel and didn't mind at all that it would be just the two of them. Kathy was glowing and Elliot could tell that she was very happy with Peter, and that their love life was in full bloom. They would need to talk about making arrangements for Eli soon, but when they brought Eli over early in the afternoon, Kathy assured him there would be some time after the wedding.

They introduced Peter and Olivia to each other and Olivia thought Peter was a lovely man. It finally made her completely comfortable in Kathy's presence and both women smiled at each other when Kathy and Peter left to get settled in their hotel. Eli had already dashed off to his room and Elliot and Olivia walked to his door quietly to see what he was doing.

Eli had unpacked his favorite stuffed animals and set them on the bed, talking softly to them.

"Yeah, we're here again in my own room, see? I don't know how long we're staying this time but I hope it's forever and ever. Mommy says that maybe I can come live here very soon. We like that, don't we?"

Olivia put her arms around Elliot's waist sideways and looked at his face. He was moved by his son's words, and so was she. She also hoped Eli would come to live with them very soon. They walked back to the living room quietly and let Eli get settled. Elliot had to go to work at the gym soon but Olivia had a few days off and would skip her Friday workout this time to stay with Eli. They would have to work out a schedule for the little man, she realized. It wouldn't be just the two of them anymore, changing their plans with a few texts when work got in the way. They would have a child to consider.

...

The wedding was lovely. Maureen was the most beautiful bride, and little Josey wore a dress made from the same fabric as Maureen's gown. Olivia snapped a picture with her phone when, after the bride and groom had done the first dance, Maureen asked Elliot to dance with her while Steven danced with his mother. He was the proud papa and Olivia could tell he was holding back a few tears. When they all switched dance partners again, the bride danced with her new father-in-law and the groom with Kathy. Elliot asked Stevens mother, and Peter approached Olivia.

"Olivia, we don't want to feel left out, do we? Shall we join the celebration too?" he asked her, holding out his arm.

Olivia graciously accepted the invitation and danced with Peter, winking at Elliot when they passed him on the dance floor. After several more switches and doing a very silly dance with Eli, Olivia felt two strong arms wrapping around her waist from behind.

"Can I finally dance with the most beautiful woman in the room now?" Elliot asked softly while kissing her shoulder.

She turned around in his arms and let him lead her to the dance floor. Dancing in public together, surrounded by Elliot's family, gave Olivia a sense of belonging and security that was warm and new. They had all accepted her, just like they were accepting Peter. When Elliot leaned in to capture her lips with his, she didn't pull back or hesitate. She belonged here, with him and his family and they could kiss in front of them.

...

The next day, Kathy came by to talk to Elliot. Olivia was already off to work, and Kathy told him that Peter was visiting a business associate so they could talk together. Eli had sensed that something was up, but when his parents asked him to go and play in his room for a while, he did as he was told.

Before Elliot could say anything, Kathy pulled an envelope from her purse.

"Here, this is your copy," she said with a small smile. "We're officially divorced now."

They were both silent for a while, sitting down across from each other at the breakfast bar, digesting the reality of it. They had been together for so long that it felt strange to end things like this, with a piece of paper. Finally, Elliot spoke.

"We may not be married anymore, but we will always stay connected Kathy. And I don't regret any of it. Not you and not our kids."

"I feel the same way Elliot. I will always love you. You are the father of my children and I'm just so glad we can do this and still be friends. I ... I often missed that while we were married."

Elliot swallowed. He knew what she meant. They had been spouses but oftentimes, they had not been friends. They hadn't even been friendly.

"I'm sorry that I couldn't be home more," he told her.

"Maybe you could have been home more Elliot. That was part of it all along. But let's not dwell on that. We have to look forward now and think of Eli."

He felt some reproach from Kathy still, and he had to suppress the urge to defend himself. And maybe she was right. He could have been home more if he'd really made an effort. He should be happy that Kathy was letting him go so easily, and he should focus on his son now.

"Yes," he finally agreed. "I really want him to come live with us full time. I mean ... you can visit him all you want of course, and we can make arrangements during school holidays ..."

"Elliot," Kathy interrupted, putting a hand on his arm. "I know. Don't worry about it. It will just be like it is now, only reversed. It's .. it's what's best for him."

Kathy told him that Eli hadn't stopped talking about it after she'd asked him what he would want. She tried not to be hurt that he was leaving her so easily, and Elliot assured her Eli would definitely miss his mom.

"I know," Kathy said. "And I'll miss him. But I know he'll be in good hands."

Elliot put his hand over hers on his arm and squeezed it.

"Thank you for that, Kathy."

They went over the practical details and agreed that Christmas would be the best time to move Eli from one school to another. Kathy would let his school in Santa Cruz know, and Elliot would have to enroll him in a school in New York before the holidays. Winter recess would be from December 23 to January 1st so Eli would have enough time to get settled before starting school again.

Kathy left, letting him know that they would be going back to California in two days so they would pick Eli up early Thursday morning. Elliot texted Olivia to let her know Eli was moving in around Christmas, and he got a very happy text back twenty minutes later.

 _'That's great! We have to celebrate. Burgers and fries tonight? xxx'_

Elliot grinned, looking forward to taking his little family out to McDonalds.

...


	68. Hearing

**I have received some concerned messages because people fear I am abandoning this story. I assure you I'm not! The thing is, I needed to have the episodes of the show handy for this chapter and several of the next ones, so I can only work on this story at home now on my main computer with DVD player. I can't just write wherever I am, so this is why it's taking a bit longer here (the other 2 stories I'm doing have nothing to do with real episodes, so I can work on those anywhere). I want to get things right so I'm writing little pieces diligently whenever I have the time at home. I hope you will like the end result.**

...

68.

Their time with Eli went by way too fast, and soon they settled back into a two person routine. Olivia studied hard for the Sergeants exam and thought she'd done well. Elliot finally got a call from Missing Persons and had one last interview before starting his training. Olivia went along with him to the shooting range a few times and, much to her amusement, they established she was still the better shot. In November they both got good news and Olivia suggested hosting a little party for their friends. Once they had agreed on a date, Olivia noticed she really enjoyed preparing everything for their small gathering. It was good to have people around her who cared about her and to let them share in her success, and Elliot's.

Most of them came, the only one who was missing was Amanda. Melinda and Fin were telling stories about unusual cases they'd handled, and Olivia could see that Eileen, Cragen's new lady friend, wasn't entirely comfortable with the subject matter.

"Uhm, guys, maybe we don't talk shop?" she asked them while she passed some appetizers around.

They all went silent briefly and Cragen broke the slightly uncomfortable silence by commenting on the wine Eileen brought. They all agreed it was a very nice wine and once everyone had a drink, they made a toast. They all relaxed and enjoyed their dinner, chatting quietly and laughing together. Elliot shared a few stories about his time in California and once they were all eating their desserts, Elliot sat down next to Olivia and asked everyone to settle down.

"We have a little announcement," he started. Fin and Nick immediately started making wolf sounds and Elliot laughed, shaking his head. It wasn't that kind of announcement.

"As of today, Detective Benson will soon be known as Sergeant Benson. She placed number 48 on her exam."

They all cheered and Cragen chimed in.

"48th out of 8,000. That's impressive. That's my girl."

They were all impressed and Olivia tried to wave off all the compliments.

"Well, even better news," she said, deflecting the attention away from herself, "as of today, Elliot will once again be Detective Stabler."

They all agreed it was about time Elliot came back to the NYPD and Fin asked him where he would be assigned.

"Missing Persons," Olivia answered for him. "He had to ... start somewhere."

She grinned and winked at Elliot, who just scrunched up his nose and then kissed her on the cheek. They all knew Missing Persons wasn't his first choice, but he was happy to be able to be a cop again.

...

They needed to get used to not seeing each other as regularly as before, now that Elliot was working full time again. He had to give up his job at the gym and they couldn't even make it to their weekly workout each time. Olivia's hours weren't really improving and Cragen was preparing her a little for the moment he would retire and she would have to step in. Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to take over from the Captain but she realized that she would need to be up to speed too if she was going to be someone else's number two in a while.

Elliot's cases were usually less stressful than SVU cases, as he'd expected, but when kids were missing he did carry the parents' worry home with him. Making preparations for Eli's arrival on December 24 helped him to focus on his own family. He had hoped Olivia would share his excitement, but she was becoming jittery. After a while, Elliot realized that it had to do with Lewis. He was putting in motion after motion, thus postponing the trial date, and it was getting on Olivia's nerves.

Olivia had meetings with Barba from time to time but she hadn't attended any of the motion hearings so far. She wasn't sure when she'd be ready to face Lewis again, but Barba told her it was important that she see him at least once before facing him in court. His final motion hearing would be on the 27th and Olivia was on edge.

Eli was elated when he arrived on the 24th. He had flown in with a friend of Peters, who was going to New York for Christmas. Elliot and Olivia picked Eli up at the airport and Olivia tried to focus all her attention on the little boy who was coming to live with them. He was going to be around every day now, also during the trial, so she would have to find a way to deal with all the stress without letting it show too much. It was an extra complication she hadn't really been prepared for. Fortunately, Elliot had picked up on her stress levels, and had arranged for a Christmas dinner with all of the kids who stayed in New York, at a restaurant. There was no pressure at all for Olivia, because she didn't have to cook or be the hostess; all she had to do was attend. She was grateful and after they had gotten Eli to bed on Christmas Eve, his first day living with them officially, she told Elliot so.

"Hey, I'm your partner, for better or worse, remember?" Elliot said, wrapping his arms around her as they were standing in the middle of the living room. "And I know there is a worse time ahead for you. Now I think I can read you pretty well but just in case I miss something, just tell me, okay? I'm here."

Olivia rested her head on his shoulder. She knew she would need his support desperately in the weeks to come. She would see Lewis again in three days and she had no idea how she was going to respond to seeing him. If it would trigger flashbacks or nightmares, if the rage would come back, and if so, how bad it would be. She wanted to be strong, but Dr. Lindstrom had already told her that there was no way to predict her reaction. She would just have to experience it and make sure her support system was in place. He'd promised her she could come by after office hours if she needed it before and during the trial. It was good to know that her therapist would be on standby, even if she hoped she wouldn't need him.

But she did.

The motion hearing was very stressful. It was about jurisdiction and basically, it was one last try to possibly get a lower sentence when the case was divided into three separate trials. Olivia was on edge and had even had a weird dream about her therapist kissing her, and then Lewis interrupting them.

Barba told her before the hearing,

"You should know I am going for attempted murder and attempted rape."

"He didn't rape me," Olivia said immediately.

"I understand that that's important to you," Barba said, "but he's gonna claim those four days were consensual."

Olivia sighed. She knew how it worked.

"The torture that he put you through. The degradation," Barba pointed out, "the jury needs to hear all of it."

...

She was the only one sitting on Barba's side in the court room. Lewis hadn't looked at her so far and she was trying to keep breathing regularly. It wasn't as if she could ever forget what he looked like, but actually seeing him again did affect her. She felt sick when the judge actually ruled in favor of separating the charges against Lewis, but felt some relief when he added,

"But I will allow the jury to hear evidence pertaining to what the detective herself witnessed or experienced."

At least that was something. And then Lewis spoke up, saying he had difficulty understanding the judge.

"Due to the beating I received, I no longer have hearing in my left ear," he explained with a sad voice.

Olivia wanted to throw up and she wanted to get out of there. After the judge repeated his ruling they all stood up, and Lewis looked straight at her for the first time. She could now see the result of the beating on the left side of his face. His stare was unwavering, confident, and Olivia couldn't match it. She was trembling inside and looked away. Barba asked her if she was okay but she didn't answer him and walked out of the courtroom. She was definitely not okay.

Before she even reached the station, Barba called her again, asking if she could come to his office because Lewis was making yet another unexpected move. She didn't think things could get any worse until she heard what Lewis had suggested.

"What? He wants to plead to rape?"

She was astonished and appalled.

"Multiple counts of rape in the first," Barba confirmed. "Multiple counts of sodomy. And he wants to plead guilty with an allocation of each specific."

Olivia's voice cracked when she spoke, and she felt like she was suffocating.

"He wants to stand up in open court and give graphic details of what he did _not_ do to me?"

How could Barba even consider it?

"He will get 25 years to life. He will die in prison, Olivia. You will avoid a trial and having to testify..."

"No, no!" she interrupted the ADA, and she started pacing, shaking her head. "No, he does not get to do that to me! He did _not_ rape me. He did _not_ sodomize me."

Her voice was shaking and she had a lump in her throat.

"You look at that rape kit ... after four days, he did not have the balls to rape me. And now he wants to stand up in open court?"

She was getting angry and the lump disappeared.

"Now? No. No!" she told Barba.

Lewis would not get the chance to do this to her. It would be like a verbal rape and she wanted none of it. She walked over to the window and stared outside, trying to reign in her anger and frustration, as well as her fear of what was to come.

"I have to tell you," Barba warned, "given the extent of his injuries, they will go after you for excessive force."

Olivia kept staring out the window, willing herself not to cry.

"He may claim that he was handcuffed when you crushed his skull," Barba continued. "You testified to a police investigator and a grand jury that Lewis lunged at you, that you used the bar to defend yourself until he was no longer a danger to you."

"That is what I said." she whispered, finally looking at Barba again.

Her lie weighed heavily on her once again and she just wanted to go home now and curl up in bed with Elliot. He'd know what to say. He knew the truth and she needed his support more than ever to get through this mess. Barba picked up a file from his desk and walked up to her.

"Your grand jury testimony from last May," he told her, handing her the file.

His voice was tense and stern when he told her,

"You study those transcripts. If you deviate from your statement in _any_ way, it will create reasonable doubt about all of your testimony. He will use it as a wedge."

Barba knew. Of course he knew it was a lie. But he'd never ask her. He couldn't hear it from her. His voice softened when he added,

He could walk again, Liv."

...

 **A/N: Next up: Will Elliot be able to provide some much needed distraction for Olivia as they move into the next year?**


	69. Nice things

69.

When Elliot heard the sound of the front door slamming shut, he knew something was wrong. He had a few days off between Christmas and the new year to spend time with Eli and they had been playing with the train track in Eli's room. Eli looked up as well and looked at his father.

"I think Liv is mad," the young boy said, and Elliot nodded.

He ruffled the six-year olds blonde hair and got up from the floor.

"I'll just see what's up okay? I'll be back soon."

As he walked out of Eli's room, he saw Olivia come up to him, on her way to the guest room. She was clutching a file with one hand. When she saw him, she threw her hands in the air and shook her head.

"Not now," she sighed. "Gimme a minute."

She disappeared into the guest room and shut the door behind her. Elliot hesitated. He wanted to know what was wrong. He knew she'd attended Lewis' final hearing, but that had been a few hours ago. And what was that file she took with her into the bedroom?

"Daddy?"

Eli was peeking around the doorframe of his room, and the decision to give Olivia some time to calm down was made for him. They shouldn't worry his son too much. He walked back to Eli's room and closed the door behind them.

"What's wrong with Liv?" Eli asked, clear concern etched on his young face.

Elliot sat down on Eli's bed and his son sat down next to him.

"You remember that a man hurt Olivia a while ago, right?"

Eli nodded.

"She saw him again today."

Eli frowned and looked at his father, as if expecting more information.

"Did he hurt her again?" Eli finally asked, and Elliot realized that Eli had no idea how seeing their attacker again would affect a person.

He shook his head and tried to come up with an explanation that Eli would understand.

"No, he didn't hurt her again. But I think she's thinking about the time when he was hurting her so much, that she's upset about it again."

He could see the wheels turning in Eli's little head.

"Do you remember something that really upset you, Eli?"

"Yeah," Eli said right away. "When Sam's dog died."

"Okay. And when you think about that really hard, does it make you sad again?"

Eli's little shoulders slumped and he hung his head.

"Yeah. It was a very sweet dog."

Then he lifted his head and looked up at his father.

"So Olivia is thinking about the bad things too much now?"

Elliot bobbed his head.

"Then maybe we can do something nice for her and she will think about nice things again."

...

Eli wanted to bake cupcakes for Olivia and Elliot was relieved to find a box of ready-made ingredients. Only add water. They could do that. And in the microwave, they'd be ready within fifteen minutes. Elliot made coffee while Eli put the dough in the paper cupcake holders. By the time the cupcakes were done, Elliot hoped Olivia would be calmed down enough, and he hoped that she wouldn't mind that he was sending Eli to her room to get her.

Olivia was sitting on the bed, her back against the headboard, when she heard a soft knock on her door. She closed the file that was lying next to her on the bed, and closed the journal in her lap as well. She had asked Cragen before noon if she could go home for the day, which was a milestone in itself, because she never asked for time off. She'd spent some time doing breathing exercises in the guest room, which was now her hideout again. After calming down, she had written down how seeing Lewis had affected her that morning. But she was mostly upset with his offer to plead out, and give an explicit account in open court of everything he did _not_ do to her, but probably would have wanted to. She was fairly certain that he knew she'd turn down the offer. It was just one more low blow to hurt her while he still could.

As much as she had wanted to blurt it all out when she got home, she had needed some time to create order in the mess inside her head. And when she came home, she realized Eli was there too, so she couldn't just start ranting. She guessed that Elliot was coming to check up on her and said 'come in' with a sigh.

"Liv?"

She looked up, seeing Eli peeking around the door and couldn't help smiling at him.

"We made coffee and cupcakes for you. Are you coming out?"

Olivia got up from the bed immediately.

"Oh, that sounds so nice. I'm coming with you right away," she said, managing to sound cheerful.

"Good," Eli said, grabbing her hand as she walked out of the bedroom with him. "Cause we want you to think of nice things, so you won't be upset anymore."

It was the simple wisdom of a child and it warmed her heart. He was right, too. Lewis was part of a portion of her life, but he shouldn't overshadow her entire life. She had so many good things going for her now, and the two best things in her life were right here. Elliot and Eli.

Elliot smiled at her when they walked up to the breakfast bar, and he set a fresh cup of coffee on the bar for her.

"Will you be having your coffee here or in the sitting area, miss?" he asked her formally.

Eli played along perfectly, and picked up the tray of cupcakes that he'd clearly piled onto the tray himself.

"Please choose a cupcake too miss," he told her with a wide smile. "I made them myself."

"Why thank you sir," Olivia said, taking one of the cupcakes. "This one looks delicious. You are such a great cook."

They all moved to the living room and Olivia felt much better already. Elliot put a comforting hand on her back when he sat down next to her on the couch and she smiled at him, mouthing 'thank you' to him. Eli drank his lemonade quietly and Elliot and Olivia had a short conversation through their eyes. Yes, she was okay now and they'd talk later. Elliot then suggested to both her and Eli that they start making plans for New Years Eve. Olivia wondered what Maureen and her family had planned and they decided to call them to see if they could organize something together.

...

Later than night, they were finally alone on the couch together, and Elliot suggested they turn in early so they could talk a little in bed.

"Just talk?" Olivia asked him with a sly smile and Elliot grinned.

"I did mean talk, Liv. I'm not going to assume you're always up for more now that we're kind of ... getting into a rhythm here."

Elliot had phrased it very decently but they both knew he was referring to the clear increase in their sexual activities over the past few months. They would need to be quieter now that Eli was living with them though, so that was a new challenge. Olivia had mentioned that the guest bathroom was the furthest away from Eli's room but so far, they hadn't tried it out yet. Olivia had been too stressed to give herself to Elliot physically anyway these past few days, and he assumed she still was.

"Well, Eli did say that I should think about nice things," she said, leaning into him and kissing him softly on the cheek. "And I can think of a few nice things that would definitely help me relax."

Elliot's body responded instantly to her suggestion but he still wasn't sure Olivia was really up for sex after the difficult morning she'd had.

"Tell me what happened first?" he asked her, rubbing her back gently.

"And ruin the moment?" she said, kissing his neck and rubbing her nose against it.

"Well, you're not going to be of much use afterwards," Elliot stated, trying to keep a straight face but not succeeding completely.

"Oh, you mean _you're_ the one wearing _me_ out?" Olivia shot back.

"Are you suggesting otherwise?" Elliot managed to say before Olivia pushed him over on the couch and jumped on top of him.

He laughed out loud and Olivia put a hand over his mouth quickly. Right. They had to be quiet. That would be quite the challenge.

"Maybe I _want_ you to wear me out this time," Olivia said softly, and Elliot could see that it wasn't entirely a joke.

She needed to forget, and although he still didn't know what exactly had upset her so much today, he wanted to help her forget about it for now. He lifted his head to kiss her and moaned when Olivia kissed him back passionately. It reminded him of another time when her frustration with a case she'd been working on with Brian had resulted in an explosion of passion between them. They had ended up in the shower and the memory hit him in the groin as Olivia pushed her body against his on the couch.

When they broke off the kiss, he suggested they move to the bedroom and Olivia agreed. Before he'd closed the door behind them, she was already starting to take her clothes off and he quickly followed suit. She never hid her body from him anymore, and when she turned back the bed and lay down on it, he stopped to look at her naked form before getting on the bed next to her. Olivia was checking him out too, and just knowing that she was looking at him, made his manhood harden.

"Don't just stand there, Stabler," Olivia said, licking her lips.

She wanted his strong body to take away the pain and the memories like only he could, and she watched him get on the bed on his knees and crawl over to her slowly.

"I'm coming Benson," he said softly and Olivia reached her arm out to touch his face as he came within reach.

"Not just yet I hope," she whispered, and he grinned.

He kissed her deeply while smoothing his body against hers, and Olivia rolled to her side, wrapping her leg around his and pulling him close. Elliot turned over on his back and pulled her on top of him. Their lovemaking was sometimes very tender, and sometimes more frantic. He was going to let Olivia lead to see what she needed this time. When she pushed herself up into a sitting position and slid her already wet center over his jumping erection a few times, he thought they would be going hard and fast this time. Not much foreplay, just a good fuck. He was very much okay with that and his hips pushed up when she grabbed him with one hand and teased his tip with her thumb a few times. He looked at her beautiful naked body and he just wanted her, right now, like she wanted him.

"Ready?" he asked her, his voice thick with excitement already, and when she nodded, the lust clear in her dark eyes, he shot up, grabbed her around the waist and turned them around quickly.

Olivia squealed softly when she landed on her back and reached for his hips, wrapping her legs around his. There was no kissing and fondling, she just needed a release and Elliot was happy to oblige.

Olivia suppressed a moan when he entered her slowly. As he inched forward, she felt the stress of the past few days again, as if it was all coming together deep inside her, and Elliot was about to blow it all to kingdom come. She grabbed his hips again and dug her heels into his thighs, pulling him in fast. They both grunted when their hips collided and Elliot started moving right away. He hovered over her, leaning on his arms as he started pounding into her, fast and hard. She held on to his waist, needing nothing else than this right now. They panted together as they picked up speed and tried not to make too much noise for Eli's sake. He was right at the other side of the wall.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and arched her back. Elliot pushed even deeper inside her and started hitting a particularly sensitive spot they had recently discovered. Olivia hissed and Elliot just knew. They knew each others' bodies so well and he kept hitting that one spot, over and over again, until the pleasure became almost unbearable.

Elliot just looked at her, her eyes closed, her mouth open, her breasts bouncing, while her body was gripping him like a vice. He wasn't going to hold out much longer and grunted her name.

"Liv."

"Yes."

"Ah!"

"Yes, yes!"

He sighed, trying not to become too loud but he was so close now.

Olivia hissed again, her fingers digging into his lower back as she spurred him on with her hips, her legs, her hands. Elliot closed his eyes and let the feelings take over. The pace was relentless and when he heard Olivia's sharp intake of breath and felt her shudder, he knew she was going over the edge and he let go as well. He stilled only very briefly and then plunged deep inside her again, several long, slow but deliberate strokes, as they both went flying in space on the waves of their orgasms. He couldn't suppress a long, low moan and when Olivia moaned with him, he let his body drop forward and hid his face in the crook of her neck. Their hips moved slowly now, and soft moans gave way to soundless pants and sighs as they floated back down to earth together.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and held his trembling body close. She had really needed this. To feel safe and wanted, and to experience the satisfaction of sex in stead of the horror and threat of rape. Elliot lifted his head to kiss her, and their lips and tongues met in a long, loving kiss. The rolled over on their sides, and Elliot reached for their blankets to cover their naked bodies. As soon as he was on his side again, Olivia kissed him again.

"Thank you Elliot," she whispered.

"Thank _you_ Olivia," he answered with a satisfied smile. "That was incredible."

They kissed again and just held each other, until Olivia's eyes fluttered closed.

"I suppose we're not going to talk now?" he asked her softly, his lips still brushing hers.

"Not now El," Olivia said sleepily. "I just wanna sleep."

She heard him chuckle as she drifted off to sleep.

"Told you."

...

...

 **A/N: This was another quick chapter because no re-watching of episodes was required :) The next one may take some more time to complete, but it will come.**


	70. Trial

70.

Despite having seen Lewis again for the first time since her ordeal, Olivia had slept relatively well. Just one nightmare could be considered relatively well after such an upsetting day. Elliot had told her he was proud of her that she hadn't taken the plea deal. The gall of that beast to offer a guilty plea with elocution ... She'd rather face him in court and let the world know how he _didn't_ rape her than to avoid a trial and allow him to lie about what he'd done to her.  
Eli's excitement about the upcoming New Year Party at Maureen and Steven's provided a welcome distraction. They went shopping for a new little tux for Eli, since he was growing so fast now, and Elliot took a few pictures in the store to send to Kathy. But having to study the transcripts of her statements pulled her right back into the darkness at night, after they had put Eli to bed.

Elliot knew what Olivia was doing and he didn't want her to be alone while she memorized the transcripts. She didn't want to do it in the living room though, only in the guest room with the door closed. She didn't want her horrors to become a part of their daily life at home. And so Elliot prepared a tray with some drinks and snacks, and came into the room quietly. He pushed the door closed with his foot and set the tray down on the bed.

"What's this?" Olivia asked.

"Well, since you don't want to sit out there, I thought I'd come sit with you in here," Elliot said with a smile.

Olivia opened her mouth to protest, but Elliot shushed her.

"No no, I won't disturb you. I just don't want you to be alone."

He got settled on the left side of the bed and pulled a magazine from under the tray. Olivia shook her head and continued reading, munching from the salty snacks every now and then, and drinking her soda. She was forced to read everything she'd rather forget but she would do it. Anything to make sure Lewis got what he deserved. It was tough. She'd have to lie to do it.

Elliot turned the page of his magazine, pretending to actually read it. He still didn't know everything that had happened to Olivia. He knew she'd kept details to herself even in her statements, and he knew she would tell him if something bothered her. Still, he dreaded finding out more in open court and he was hoping she'd share a little more with him before the trial. He wanted to be there to help and support her but he wasn't sure if he would be able to take it without some form of preparation.

As if reading his mind, Olivia suddenly told him,

"I don't want you there during the trial."

He looked at her, slightly shocked. She didn't even look up from the file and he studied her profile. She was focused and determined. She really meant it.

"Why not?" he finally asked.

She looked up at him then.

"I won't be allowed in myself while the others testify and I don't want you there when I testify."

"Because you don't want me to know."

It wasn't a question. And it made him sad that she wouldn't share more with him. He knew that she had told him the most important part though, about the beating, so he shouldn't think she didn't trust him. She was just trying to protect him. Olivia was staring straight ahead now, her lips pursed.

"You can read this if you want El," she said, pushing the file in his direction. "And then tell me you won't kill him on sight."

Her eyes finally met his and he could see pain, anger, sadness and love in them, all mixed together. He nodded.

"I understand."

...

But he didn't. He hadn't understood until he read the file. She was right. He would kill Lewis on sight. She wasn't protecting him from her ordeal, but from a murder charge. She had asked him to take the file and read it in his room. When had it become his room again, in stead of theirs? But after the first page, he was glad that he was alone. His heart was breaking while his rage was flaring up more after each line. Some of her nightmares were beginning to make sense and he understood how she would be engulfed by darkness at times. His admiration for the way she was handling things and finding her way again grew tenfold though, and after a quick meeting with the punching bag at the gym, he took a long shower and rejoined Olivia in her room. She had fallen asleep and he pulled the comforter over her before slipping into bed next to her.

As he watched her sleep, his emotions were in turmoil. He loved her. That was the biggest emotion, followed directly by a deep respect and admiration for the way she was living her life and not only surviving the blows life had dealt her, but getting stronger from them. She had been strong her whole life and he felt honored that she allowed herself to be weak with him. He hadn't been the perfect partner. He hadn't been the perfect friend, and he wouldn't be the perfect lover. But he would do everything in his power to protect her and help her get even stronger.  
And at the same time, she gave him strength. Knowing that she loved him gave him so much energy and just plain happiness that it overwhelmed him sometimes. They had always been each others' anchor and now more than anything, he felt it. She kept him grounded. She was his balance. The unrest that had plagued him for years had settled down. They hardly argued anymore because they didn't fuel each others' anger anymore. In stead, they fueled each others' sense of balance, of security and belonging. It was a feeling - no, _knowing_ \- that surpassed all human attempts at creating or forcing stability. No marriage vows or traditions could create it where it wasn't present already. And nothing and no one could break it, ever. _Until death do us part._

...

They didn't talk about the transcripts after Elliot had read them. Just knowing he knew was enough for Olivia. The words kept repeating in her head, as they should in preparation for the trial, but it wasn't easy. Elliot asked her not to read on the night before New Years Eve, so she could come up for air before the party, and she had agreed that it was a wise thing to do. Jury selection had been scheduled for January 2nd and she'd memorized the whole thing by now, so it was good to take a break.

Elliot's family was like a warm blanket for her. Even Bernadette was elated that she was with Elliot now and they all treated her normally. It was a relief. At work, everyone except Nick was treating her like she might break at any moment because of the upcoming trial. But here, with Elliot's family - _her_ family - she could just be Olivia.

And then she was detective Benson again. Victim of kidnapping and torture and witness to two murders and a brutal rape that went on for hours, and she was back in court for the jury selection.

"The people are satisfied with the empaneled jury, your honor," Barba formally stated.

"All right," the judge replied. "Well, we've completed jury selection and, having exhausted all attempts at a plea, trial is scheduled. Opening arguments begin tomorrow."

Just when Olivia thought she could leave, her tormentor spoke once again.

"Your honor, if I may. I offered a plea that would have guaranteed a lengthy prison term and spared the victim the pain of a trial."

He'd looked straight at her when he stressed the word _victim_ , and Olivia looked away, feeling nauseous and enraged.

"My so-called attorney has failed to get the D.A.'s office to agree to accept my capitulation," Lewis continued. "I have serious reservations about her competence. I would like to request a change of attorney."

This was news to everyone in the room, including Lewis' attorney. Barba was convinced Lewis was just stalling again but he assured them that the trial could go ahead as scheduled, because he would defend himself. Barba jumped in, warning the judge that Lewis was simply trying to use the trial to publically humiliate and retraumatize detective Benson. Olivia's stomach was doing backflips by now. _He_ was going to interrogate her on the stand?

"Objection," Lewis said, getting into his new role immediately. "I was the one who offered to spare her this burden entirely. But this is not up for debate. This is my constitutional right, is it not?"

The judge confirmed that it was, but did give him a clear warning.

"I will insist that you keep your current attorney with you to advise, and if any of Mr. Barba's fears prove prescient, I will strike you with contempt. Is that understood?"

"Perfectly."

...

Olivia was hyperventilating and Elliot had rushed out of the bedroom to get a paper bag from the kitchen. It had been a while so they didn't have them handy in the bedroom anymore. He was furious at Lewis. He was really pulling out all the stops to get to Olivia. The man was obsessed. He hurried back to Olivia and handed her the paper bag. She was sitting up in bed, shaking uncontrollably, having just woken up screaming again. He stroked her back gently while she breathed into the bag for a few minutes.

When she calmed down again, he got her a glass of water and after drinking a little, she was finally able to speak normally again.

"I was beating him again, only this time it was in the courtroom," she said flatly, and it was all he needed to know. She felt cornered by Lewis, again, and it was triggering a violent outburst. But while she responded out of control in her dreams, Elliot was certain she would find strength at the right time, and keep it together when she had to. He wanted to be there for her, but he knew she wouldn't allow him to come.

"Can I at least wait for you outside the court room?" he asked her and Olivia forced a smile.

She knew it was difficult for him to stay on the sidelines while she was in for such a big fight. She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder while Elliot eased them both back until they were lying on the bed again.

"Alright," she said softly after a while, and Elliot turned his head to kiss her forehead. "You can be there with me in the hallway while the others testify. But not when it's my turn."

Elliot wrapped his other arm around her as well and held her close. Olivia turned her head to face his, and he captured her lips with his. She wrapped her arm around his neck and pulled him close, kissing him more urgently. When they broke apart, he looked into her eyes, asking her without words what she was thinking.

"El," she sighed. "I need you to be here, just like this. You're the one I get to come home to, you and Eli. I don't want _him_ here, no more than he is already in my head. Please try to understand."

He was trying, and he told her that part of him understood. Being here for her, at home, would not be a problem. He turned Olivia on her back and leaned over her to kiss her again and she returned his kiss hungrily. This was where she could just be Olivia and let herself go, with him. They kissed languidly for quite some time until Olivia was able to relax fully again. And while his body wasn't quite as relaxed as he wanted it to be, he was glad she was falling asleep in his arms. Tomorrow would be a very difficult days for her.

...

Olivia had been sitting in the hallway outside the courtroom for quite a while when Nick walked up to her with a cup of coffee. Then she saw the rest of the squad approach. Amanda, Fin and even the Captain, and Elliot of course.

"You all came?" Olivia asked.

"We got your back," Amanda answered for all of them.

Just then, Barba came up to her.

"Liv ..."

Barba paused, looking at the group assembled around Olivia.

"What are you people doing here? You know you can't watch the trial. You're all witnesses."

"We're here for moral support," Cragen said.

"Counselor, don't mess this one up," Fin told Barba.

"I was gonna tell you the same thing," Barba replied. "Remember why we're here."

Fin was up next, and the others sat with Olivia for a while until it was Amanda's turn. The Captain went back to the station with Fin. Elliot had taken a late lunch break and his Captain had told him that as long as they could reach him, it was okay to stay away a bit longer. Nick patted him on the back when it was his turn to take the stand, and they exchanged a look of understanding. Olivia was glad that her two partners liked each other. Elliot trusted Nick to have her back and Nick was glad she had finally found the right man to share her life and her burdens with. She felt blessed with these two men in her life. They both considered her an equal yet they would both be fiercely protective of her at all times. She was finally accepting that that combination was indeed possible, and that their need to protect her didn't stem from a feeling that she was inferior to them. It just meant that they loved her. And she needed that love to stay strong and keep fighting until Lewis was behind bars where he belonged.

That evening, Olivia met up with the gang and had dinner with them at a restaurant while Elliot was home with Eli. Well, they were having dinner but Olivia couldn't eat. She felt nauseous. Mrs. Mayer wasn't going to testify anymore, because Lewis himself would be the one interrogating her. Olivia was terrified of the idea that he might walk once again. He was twisting each statement into something else, as if everyone had it in for him, and she worried that he might actually convince the jury.

Barba came into the restaurant and walked up to them. He wasn't happy.

"Eating together, across from the courthouse, when he's accusing you of conspiring against him?" he huffed.

"We're just having dinner, counselor," Fin said calmly.

"Get it to go," the ADA insisted and then turned to Olivia.

"Liv?"

Olivia walked out of the restaurant with Barba. He needed to talk to her about two witnesses that Lewis had added to his witness list, a maid and her young daughter, and he wasn't pleased that he didn't know about them. Olivia knew why she'd left them out of her statements. She had sent them away _after_ overpowering Lewis and before beating him to a pulp. Her story was that she got worried for the little girl and that's when she broke free, and that she'd sent them away because she feared for them while Lewis was in the house. Leaving something out wasn't a complete lie, but she knew it would lead up to her big lie. She asked if Barba was going to bring the two up and he told her he had to, before Lewis would.

Olivia felt like she was suffocating and all she wanted now was to go home, to the one place where there were no secrets and no threats. Where she could be herself and let it all out. Home, to Elliot.

...


	71. Truth and Lies

**In the trials on the show, I sometimes feel mistakes are being made, details are left out and/or certain information isn't used properly. I'm sure it's done for dramatic purposes but I plan to rectify that in the trial at hand. See if you can spot the two details I added.**

...

71.

Olivia had been on edge but despite a restless night she had come into the courtroom feeling strong. This was it. The moment of truth. And a lie. She would face him today and she would conquer her demons. She and Barba managed to present her statement without a hitch, including the maid and her daughter, and the lie at the end. Barba didn't know it was a lie, even if he suspected it, but Lewis knew. She didn't look at him at first but she could feel the glee radiating off him, all the way from behind his table up to the stand. And then, when the judge told him he could interrogate the witness, she looked him dead in the eye and saw it. He was gloating because she'd lied. Her heart was pounding wildly when he stood up. They were staring each other down and she wasn't going to back down. Then Lewis simply said,

"Nothing now your honor, but I reserve the right to question this witness at a later time."

Olivia never took her eyes off Lewis but inside, she was in turmoil. Telling the jury about her humiliating ordeal in open court had been tough but what she'd been worked up about the most was his interrogation. And now he wasn't going to do it? And he would call her to the stand _again_?

Barba announced formally that 'the people rest'. The defense wasn't done though, and Lewis continued questioning Olivia's character and actions in open court by interrogating the maid first, then a doctor about his injuries and then he requested a recess for medial reasons, which was granted.

That evening, Olivia was back in Dr. Lindstrom's office. Climbing up on that stand once had taken so much out of her, that she wasn't sure she could do it again. She couldn't even sit still and had been pacing in the office.

"You survived the assault, you can survive his interrogation," Dr. Lindstrom said solemnly, while she stood staring out the window into the dark night.

"I've said those exact same words a hundred times to survivors," she answered.

"Then they must be good advice."

"You know what else I said?" she said harshly, turning back towards her therapist. "Never lie about anything, 'cause it always blows up. And now it's gonna blow up in open court."

She was pacing again.

"It may not, Olivia. Try not to catastrophize," Dr. Lindstrom said, but Olivia was feeling everything all over again and shook her head.

"Lewis knew that I had it in me," she said, her voice cracking, and she was back there, in that beach house. "He could smell it. He taunted me until I beat him and you know what? Once I started, I couldn't stop. He got me ... to become exactly what he is."

It hit her again and she hated herself. She hated her father and she hated the injustice in her life, that had driven her to become violent.

"Now you give him too much credit, and you give yourself too little. He kept you drugged, drunk, no food, no water, no sleep," Dr. Lindstrom argued.

"So when I beat a handcuffed man... nearly to death, I was just projecting my anger," she said bitterly while she sat down across from her therapist. "And that makes it okay to lie about it? Under oath?"

She was fighting to keep the tears at bay.

"I hear you, Olivia. Here's a question for you," Dr. Lindstrom said. "Could you live with yourself knowing that you helped Lewis to go free?"

She took the question home with her. Her therapist had basically told her that the end justified the means and that in her case, it was okay to lie. It went against everything she stood for. But letting Lewis walk again, _knowing_ he would use the first opportunity to hurt yet another woman, went against everything she stood for as well. Elliot agreed with Dr. Lindstrom, of course. He knew how difficult it was for her to lie, but hadn't Lewis been lying through his teeth the whole time? He was playing the victim in stead of the perp, trying to make it look like she wanted to spend time with him. Why admit to a physical beating when he would be beating her up emotionally the whole time in open court? Barba had already warned her that Lewis was going to claim that their four days together had been consensual. Owning up to her one mistake and risking letting him walk after countless much bigger mistakes, was not a good trade-off.

Olivia knew they were right. Still, she hardly slept at all that night. Elliot said he would be waiting for her outside the courthouse, and it was the closest she'd let him get to Lewis. Her jaw was set when she climbed the stand once again, to face Lewis.

...

He was on a roll, right off the bat. Calling her an experienced yet lonely SVU detective, who became sexually obsessed with a man she believed to be a rapist. Stressing that she wasn't married and didn't have children, even if she did have a boyfriend now, but pointing out that she had _another_ boyfriend at the time, so she wasn't very good at maintaining healthy relationships. Saying that over the 15 years in SVU her world view had narrowed down to victims and rapists. Trying to convince everyone that she'd let him into her apartment and had given him her gun, because there were no signs of forced entry, and she would have used her gun on someone trespassing.

"That night, when I 'broke in', were you armed when you came home?" Lewis asked.

"Yes."

"So why didn't you just pull your gun on me?"

"I froze."

Barba had specifically told her not to say that, because it would imply that she'd done something wrong. But he just made her say it after all and he ran with it, emphasizing that clearly, she reacted differently to him than to all the other men she'd dealt with.

Then, he threw her interrogation tactics in her face, using Nick's testimony, saying she'd flirted with him, trying to arouse him. She wasn't sure anyone was even listening to her replies to his accusations. It was a role they often played to goad suspects. Then he claimed she had demanded using alcohol and drugs together that first night in her apartment and had told him to tie her up. And since they didn't have sex that first night, it was kind of a flirtation, a courtship. Lewis was getting worked up a little and so was she.

"Objection, your honor," Barba finally chimed in. "I know you're giving this man latitude, but he has crossed over. He is using this trial to humiliate and retraumatize detective Benson."

The objection was sustained and Lewis skipped to their last day together, as he consistently called the ordeal. Their 'time together'. She felt sick.

"Okay. Let's just skip forward to our last day together at the beach house. Even though you said that I spent four days holding you hostage, forcing you to drink alcohol, forcing you to take drugs, holding you against your will, we still hadn't had sex at this point?"

"Rape isn't sex."

"Can we agree that there was no sexual penetration in all this time? I know this is embarrassing for you. But didn't you attempt to seduce me by trying to excite me with sexual stories from past cases?"

"It was a tactic ... to stay alive," she whispered

She was shaking and wanted to scream. And he was getting way too close to her. Was he seriously trying to make the jury believe that she'd wanted him and that he had resisted her advances? And that she'd gotten violent when she couldn't get him to do what she wanted? In what kind of warped alternate universe did he live? He was talking very loudly now, practically yelling and the sheer volume of his accusations felt like stones being thrown at her. He wanted her to admit to the beating and she had to keep it together now. Repeat the words from her statement over and over again and not let her guilt take over.

"You beat me with that metal bar," Lewis tried again.

"I was only trying to keep you subdued."

"I'm sorry, wh... I was already subdued. Wasn't I handcuffed? As an NYPD officer, you would have handcuffed me before you left the room to go talk to the maid and her daughter, right?"

"Yes, and I did handcuff you. But when I went to talk to the maid, you had somehow managed to free yourself of your restraints."

Her voice was trembling but still relatively calm while she repeated her lie.

"I broke free of my restraints. I broke free from being handcuffed to an iron frame bed..." Lewis retorted as if it was a ridiculous idea.

"I did it," she shot back.

"You did it? Am I Houdini? Wasn't I already incapacitated from you pistol whipping me in the skull?" Lewis yelled.

"I did what I had to do to subdue you." This was now her mantra.

"Broken ribs, ruptured spleen, crushed my kneecap," Lewis summed up.

"I did what I had to do to subdue you."

But Lewis didn't let it go, reminding the jury over and over again of the many injuries he had sustained and literally getting in her face, a manic look in his eyes. He was foaming at the mouth and some of his saliva landed on her. He was showing his true colors now. This was her one chance to strike back and set the record straight. It was now or never and she didn't look at Barba when she stood up. Her voice was loud and clear when she spoke.

"If I forced you to tie me up, why didn't you just do it and leave? Why did you stick around to do _this_ to me?"

Before anyone could stop her, Olivia pulled her blouse up, showing everyone in the courtroom her scar. She heard people in the jury as well as the audience gasp. The big W was staring everyone in the face, and even Barba and the judge were stunned into silence.

"Is there _anyone_ here who believes I _chose_ to carry this around with me for the rest of my life?" she asked calmly.

She then lowered her blouse and sat back down, staring defiantly at Lewis. She could see a gleam of pride in his eyes at the sight of his handy work, but it was soon replaced with the realization that she got the drop on him this time. Even if the judge were to order the jury to disregard, they would never forget what they'd seen. During the preparations for this trial, Barba hadn't deemed it necessary to use her scars for the prosecution but she had deemed it necessary now, to defend herself. And seeing how Lewis had attacked her on the stand, practically spitting in her face in his fit of rage, no one would hold it against her that she'd struck back.

Lewis had taken a step back and was looking around the courtroom. He took a deep breath and made one last attempt to discredit her.

"Well, I didn't know your admiration of me went that far, detective, that you would show everyone the proof of your obsession with me. I'm sure the jury will see it for what it's worth. We shared a bond those four days, didn't we?"

He moved close to her again, so close that she could almost smell his breath.

"No."

"A bond that nobody else can understand, but I understand what you're going through. I know. If you admit that you're lying about beating me, the floodgates just open up, don't they? And then everything that you have said could be a lie."

Barba finally snapped out of his shock.

"Your honor, objection."

"Sustained," the judge stated, clearly upset with Lewis' conduct. "Mr. Lewis."

"Withdrawn, your honor. Nothing further."

...

Olivia wasn't convinced that it had been enough. She thought the jury knew she'd lied about the beating. She was finally admitting what really happened to Barba and Nick when they went out for a drink after her testimony. Elliot was there, and stood close to her as she discussed the case with Barba. He knew she was rattled and hearing Barba say that that animal had attacked her on the stand, made his anger flare up. Olivia seemed defeated though, even though Nick assured her that Barba was going to take Lewis apart on the stand.

"Don't chance it. Take the deal," she told Barba. "He wants to allocute about raping me? He's already humiliated me, what's a few more hours?"

Elliot put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it softly, but she seemed miles away.

"Liv, I have a bulletproof answer tree," Barba assured her. "100 questions. No matter which way he answers on the stand tomorrow, he'll end up in jail for the rest of his natural life."

They would just have to trust him on that. Olivia sagged against Elliot and he wrapped his arms around her protectively. He looked at Barba, who was still up for the fight and convinced they would take Lewis down permanently the next day.

"Mr. Barba, if you don't take him down, I promise you I will," he gruffed.

Barba just nodded and they both glanced at Olivia and then looked into each others' eyes again. They would both do anything for her.

...


	72. Verdict

**Updating this one early because I finally want to get this trial out of the way. If only this was the last we'd see of Lewis ... Dun dun.**

...

72.

It would be the final session of the trial, and Olivia's co-workers had all come to support her, even Brian Cassidy. Lewis would take the stand to defend himself, and after that, it was just the closing arguments. Then it would all be up to the jury.

Elliot understood that Olivia was worried. She was so focused on her own lie, that she couldn't see the big picture of her case anymore. Her testimony and all the forensic evidence combined, were overwhelming. He could hardly believe this man had been tried before and had walked, several times. She was being so strong but he shared her fear that something might still go wrong. He wanted to be there for her but she wouldn't let him get near Lewis. The day before, he'd waited for them at the bar across the street from the courthouse. Now, he was pacing in the hallway, just outside the courtroom. He'd seen them all go in and had held Olivia until she couldn't stay with him any longer. Nick and Cragen were with her, sitting on her left and right in the courtroom, with Cassidy, Fin and Amanda behind them. He knew she was safe physically but he also knew the nightmares were back in full force. She'd never tell her co-workers that. She was always fine. But he knew how she was really doing and he could only imagine how she would feel now, with Lewis on the stand, spewing more lies about her.

The minutes were ticking away slowly and Elliot wondered if he'd have time to get a cup of coffee. But he didn't want to risk being away when they all came back out. He spotted a familiar face and chatted with an officer for a while that remembered him from a past case. He had just explained to the man that he was waiting for his partner to come out of the courtroom, when the doors burst open. As usual, everyone wanted to leave at the same time and everyone was talking while they poured out of the room. It took him a while to spot the SVU Captain and his detectives. He had to hand it to Cassidy, the man was being nothing but supportive right now. He beckoned him and pointed behind him, where Olivia appeared, clutching Nick's arm as they tried to move away from the crowd. Elliot rushed over, nodding at Cassidy and then looking at Nick. Nick told Olivia softly that Elliot was there and she finally looked up.

There was despair in her eyes, almost panic, and Elliot wrapped his arms around her protectively, moving her away from the doors of the courtroom and over to a window. Her co-workers followed but kept some distance as he tried to get Olivia to tell him what happened. Barba came up to them as well and the man was clearly ticked off.

"He never took the stand," the ADA huffed. "Went straight to closing arguments since, as he put it, the prosecution had failed to make its case. He saw no need to defend himself. Can you believe it?"

Elliot wasn't registering fully what the man was saying. He did know that his agitation wasn't good for Olivia, who was completely rigid in his arm. She was trembling and he feared she might start hyperventilating again.

"I'm sure the jury already saw him for the monster that he is yesterday," Elliot said as calmly as he could manage. "I'm taking Olivia home."

Barba nodded, and the others understood as well. Amanda put her hand on Olivia's shoulder and Cragen patted Elliot on his back as they made their way towards the elevator.

"Thanks guys," Olivia managed to say softly before they stepped into the elevator.

Once the doors closed, she sagged against Elliot and let out a sob. It was over, only it wasn't. Now the long wait for the verdict would begin.

...

 **January 8, 2014**

Two days. Two days and still no word. Olivia thought she was going crazy. Elliot had run of out reassuring words a day ago and she couldn't come up with anything anymore herself. Dr. Lindstrom couldn't help her either. There was nothing she could do now. Absolutely nothing. She'd upheld her lie in court and now it was out of their hands completely. Barba never got a chance to ask Lewis his bullet proof 100 questions, so as far as Olivia was concerned, it could go either way. She didn't trust the jury forewoman at all. There was something very much off about her. Bronwyn. She had never heard the name before but now she would never forget it. She'd even tried to make different words from the letters, wondering where the name stemmed from. Rynnbow? Wynborn? She'd seen something in the woman's eyes that was incredibly unsettling. Admiration for Lewis. She'd been fascinated with him and one creepy juror like that could create a deadlock and they'd have to start all over again.

She couldn't function at work, obviously, and once again, Eli was the one to distract her and keep her somewhat grounded. Elliot was unable to keep her company all day every day and she picked Eli up from school on Wednesday. His teacher knew her now too, and greeted her kindly when she arrived.

"Eli is doing great, Ms. Benson," she told her. "He's the youngest kid in class and he's only been here a week but he is so bright. He's adjusting very well and he tells me he is so happy that he got to live with his father and you."

Olivia smiled and put a hand on Eli's shoulder.

"We're very happy to have him with us too."

"You know, when I asked him about his family, he told me you're his second mommy and that you were there when he was born?"

Second mommy? Olivia swallowed hard. It was an amazing compliment and she looked down at Eli, who was standing next to her, waiting patiently until they could go home. She nodded.

"Yes, I ... Eli and me go way back. I was actually taking his mother to a doctor's appointment when we were in a car accident. Eli was born in the ambulance and I was the first one to hold him."

"So you and his mother are friends?"

Olivia couldn't really blame the teacher for being curious. It was a special situation. She smiled and settled for an abbreviated explanation.

"It's a long story, but we all get along."

"Well, that's very important. It's good to know that Eli comes from such a stable home," the teacher said, smiling at Eli and then at her.

"Can we go now Liv?" Eli asked, and both adults laughed.

"Yes we can honey. Let's go. Say bye to your teacher."

"Bye Mrs. Pollari," Eli said politely as they walked off.

"See you tomorrow Eli."

Eli asked if they could go feed the ducks in the park and Olivia thought it was a nice way to get away from her worried thoughts. They got some bread and went to a nearby pond, where the ducks were already coming towards them as soon as they saw them. Eli tried to make sure all the ducks got something, but some of them were just too fast, and others too slow.

"It's not fair Liv. We need to help that one," Eli said, deep concern etched on his face when he pointed at a hungry duck that kept falling behind.

Olivia stood next to him, and nodded. That was what they were here for. To help the weak, that were unable to help themselves. And to help this duck, they would have to work together, as a team. Eli was all in and they decided on a strategy. They spoke softly to make sure the ducks weren't aware of their plans. Olivia had bigger hands so they filled her hands with lots of pieces of bread. Eli would take a few pieces, and while Olivia distracted the fast ducks with the bread, Eli would sneak towards the slow one, and make sure it ate something too. Eli was so happy when it actually worked, and the slow duck only had two little pieces stolen away from it.

Eli was beaming and Olivia was so proud of him. Caring about the weak was ingrained in him already and she knew he would do good in the world when he grew up. He was already doing good, and he was healing to her, again. Helping the weak, giving them a voice, that was what she wanted to do. And no sick, perverted animal was going to change that. She still dreaded the verdict but she knew that whatever happened, she would continue to fight for the weak and throw rocks in the ponds of any sexual predator she'd come across, including Lewis. When they finally went home, she felt better. Still worried, but better.

...

That same afternoon, the verdict came in. As they walked up the steps of the courthouse, Olivia was clinging to Elliot's arm. She needed him to be strong now, and not lose his shit. He could do this. He could look at that beast and not shoot him on the spot. He'd shown restraint before, when he marched Lowell Harris off to be booked. But back then, he hadn't known what the man had done to Olivia in that prison basement. This time, he had witnessed first hand the effects of the physical and mental torture she'd endured.

Elliot took a deep breath when they walked into the courtroom. Olivia needed him and he'd promised her that he'd be there for her. Only for her. Not to do anything stupid. She looked up at him and they looked into each others' eyes. They communicated silently. They were both afraid and they were both determined. Whatever happened, they would get through it together.

"I've got you Liv," he whispered and he kissed her temple.

"And I've got you El," she whispered back.

Elliot helped her sit down and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as soon as they were both seated. Nick was seated on her other side and the others behind her, just like during closing arguments. Only this time, Elliot was there. His right arm was around her and she took hold of his left hand in his lap. He squeezed her hand. He was here. She took a deep breath. They could do this together.

Lewis was brought in and Olivia looked away. Elliot didn't. The man was looking straight at Olivia. Was he still trying to intimidate her? Lewis' eyes flicked to his and Elliot held his gaze, staring him down. After a few seconds, Lewis looked away, pretending to be distracted by his attorney. Strike one. The judge came in and everyone stood up until he was seated. They sat back down and the judge asked the big question.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. In the case of the people versus William Lewis, have you reached a verdict?"

Forewoman Bronwyn Freed stood up.

"We have, your honor. But before we read it, many of us have serious reservations about the conduct of detective Benson that we're not sure how to address."

Olivia closed her eyes briefly. Seriously? _Her_ conduct? She felt Elliot's arm tighten around her shoulders and tried to relax.

"That's not in your purview," the judge stated.

"Still, we want that on the record," Ms. Freed told him.

"Proceed."

"On the charge of attempted murder, we find the defendant, William Lewis, not guilty."

Olivia tried to keep breathing and felt a surge of panic rise in her chest. The people in the audience murmured.

"On the charge of attempted rape, we find the defendant not guilty."

She tried to get up then, now in full panic mode, mumbling "I gotta go" but both Nick and Elliot stopped her.

Lewis was gloating and the audience was restless. The forewoman continued. There were two charges left.

"On the charge of assault on a police officer, we find the defendant guilty."

At least there would be some kind of prison time ahead, but how much? Olivia felt like she'd swallowed a brick and could hardly breathe. Elliot's eyes were boring holes in the back of Lewis' head.

"On the charge of kidnapping, we find the defendant guilty."

The verdict seemed to register in her mind in slow motion. Two guilty verdicts out of four. What did that mean?

"Members of the jury, the state of New York thanks you for your service. You are dismissed. William Lewis, you are remanded to Rikers where you will await sentencing," boomed the voice of the judge. And with that, it was over.

Everyone stood up and started congratulating each other and her. It still wasn't sinking in. Elliot dipped his head to catch her eyes, moving between her and Lewis' line of sight.

"Liv, you won," he said, forcing a smile while trying to ignore the impulse to charge after Lewis.

"You did it, counselor," Fin said happily from behind them.

"Liv did it," Nick corrected, and Elliot agreed with him.

Barba turned around and stood in front of Olivia, taking her hands in his.

"I can't believe it's over," Olivia said softly but Cragen, who was standing behind her, told her that it was, indeed, over.

"I'm gonna request the maximum," Barba assured them. "25 to life."

He looked at Elliot, who gave him an appreciative look. He trusted the ADA to make sure Lewis would never get out again after this verdict. He put his hand on Olivia's back and she looked at him. He could see that she was still in turmoil.

"Let's go home, Liv."

She nodded. She wanted to go home. But she needed a minute to let it all sink in. And to let it all out. Elliot knew. She could tell by looking into his eyes.

"Come on," he whispered, taking her arm and walking her out of the courtroom. "Don't look at him."

They walked out as victors, not giving Lewis a second look. Just outside the courtroom, Olivia let out a shaky sigh. Elliot gestured at her co-workers that she didn't want company right now and they understood. He took her to the stairwell while the others took the elevator down. There, he held her while she let it all out. Olivia was shaking and crying uncontrollably and he just held her. All the tension was coming out in waves and Elliot leaned against the wall while he absorbed it all. He needed to be the strong one now and surprisingly, it wasn't hard at all. He was so incredibly proud of her. She was the strongest person he'd ever met and he was proud to be the one she leaned on. All of the pain, fear, frustration, anger and built-up tension was pouring out of her while she cried.

She cried.

He just held her.

...

...

 **A/N: All who agree that this is how it should have been say 'Aye'!**


	73. Could it be?

**Apologies for this long delay. Needing the actual episodes on my computer screen to get things right really limits my writing time on this particular story. I made the chapter extra long and hope this was worth the wait. On the show, they mix up dates sometimes from one episode to the next. I'm just going to stick with the order in which the events aired originally. Also, I'm stretching time a little because I felt the pace of the show was too quick to be realistic, given Olivia's healing process. Enjoy!**

...

73.

Olivia had felt numb for several days after the trial. She needed time to let it sink in that it was really over and to find her bearings again. She tried to focus on work. Cragen mostly gave her things to do she could do from behind her desk and for once, she didn't complain about it. It enabled her to go home on time and spend time with Eli and Elliot before Eli had to go to bed, and she really needed time to relax and just be home where she felt safe.

Lewis had been convicted to 25 years in prison, and now that they had won the New York case, Mrs. Mayer was rethinking her own case. If she could get him convicted for multiple counts of rape and sodomy after all, he'd never be able to get out of prison. Olivia had called the woman and had told her she'd definitely be willing to testify in her case as well. Mrs. Mayer complimented her on her bravery and Olivia thought about that after they had ended the call. She had felt like a coward when she wouldn't own up to the truth about the beating on the stand. But she had faced her tormentor in open court and had not backed down, even when he'd literally gotten in her face. She _had_ been brave, and while she would never brag about it, looking at it that way helped her find her footing again.

She had admired Elliot's restraint. Going after Lewis right after the guilty verdict would only have gotten him into trouble and the fact that Elliot had focused on her, and had helped her to completely ignore Lewis after the verdict, spoke volumes about his commitment to her and their future. It was time to start looking ahead in stead of back.

Cragen was preparing his resignation and prepped her as best he could. Olivia's promotion to Sergeant was yet to be confirmed in an official ceremony but he was handing her the reigns already. Apparently, so many people were leaving the department because of a lot of changes at 1PP, that they couldn't spare a new sergeant for the unit. So they agreed to let Olivia stay on at SVU as Sergeant. She hadn't expected to actually be allowed to supervise her own unit but was relieved that she could stay.

Elliot, like her therapist, wasn't sure if SVU really was the best place for her, but he knew that helping victims of abuse was her life, and having become a survivor herself, had not changed that at all. Olivia accepted the challenge and while she missed Cragen more than she cared to admit, she was finding her way around in the politics side of the job as well as the management side.

The official ceremony was something she hadn't looked forward to particularly. But once she was there, in full uniform just like all the other new Sergeants, it did move her to take the oath in public. And to have Elliot there with her. He'd been her rock during the most difficult time of her life, and it made her happy that he could share in something good in her life too, for a change. He was so proud of her and she was sure he was clapping the loudest when it was her turn to receive her official Sergeant's certificate. Their eyes met across the room and her smile grew wider. It felt good to celebrate together.

Elliot insisted on taking her out to dinner that evening. Kathleen had picked up Eli and, stubborn like her father, she had insisted on a sleepover so they wouldn't have to worry about getting home late. She'd take Eli to school the next morning, so Elliot and Olivia would really have some 'quality time' together, Kathleen had added with a wink. Of all Elliot's adult kids, Kathleen was still the closest to Olivia's heart, and the young woman was amazingly supportive of their relationship.

They were still working a case, but the squad had insisted she get home so she could make it to dinner. Olivia was bringing her phone but she knew that the team wouldn't call her away unless it was absolutely necessary. She retreated into the guest room, where she still kept all her clothes, so she could change without Elliot watching. He'd been a little antsy around her lately, doing his best to accept that she was focused more on dealing with the aftermath of the trial and the new challenges at work than on him and their relationship. She didn't want to take him for granted and made sure she let him know how much she valued his support through all of it, but she also knew he needed more from her than she'd given him lately. He was being strong and patient, but he was just a man too, as he put it sometimes. She was afraid that if she tried on outfits for their dinner in front of him, they'd never get out of the house and he'd jump her right there.

When they both emerged from their respective bedrooms, she wasn't so sure that she wanted to go out herself. He looked amazing. He didn't wear suits as often as he used to, and she wondered if his chest had gotten even broader than it was before. He was wearing a light blue dress shirt, one of her favorites as he knew very well, and the fabric was straining against his muscular chest and biceps. His dark blue slacks accentuated his butt and thighs and she swallowed hard when she let her eyes drift up and down. When she finally looked at his face, clean shaven, and his hair trimmed super short, he saw that he was biting his lower lip. He was checking her out just like she had been looking at him.

Elliot would never ever take for granted how beautiful she was. It had struck him the first time he ever laid eyes on her, but she had just gotten more beautiful over the years. He knew she would still be just as enchanting when they were eighty years old. Their bodies reflected a lot of what they had been through, a lot of physical injuries that had left permanent scars on both of them, but to him it only underlined how deep their connection was and that nothing could get them down or keep them apart. She knew all of his scars and bullet holes just like he knew all of her scars, because they'd been right there next to each other when they got them. And even the ones Lewis had caused, had become something they could look at and talk about together.

Right now, she looked like an angel. How she could still be so radiant after everything she'd been through was nothing short of a miracle. Her long, white sleeveless dress hugged her curves just right and accentuated the exotic glow of her skin. She had pinned her hair up loosely and he liked that it was becoming long enough again to do that. He was drawn to the skin of her neck that was now exposed and took a step forward. Olivia placed her hands on his chest, but didn't move back.

"Are you sure you want to go out?" he asked her, a hoarse edge to his voice.

Olivia smiled, feeling butterflies flutter in her stomach.

"Are you?" she asked softly, moving in to give him a peck on the cheek.

"If I hadn't made reservations ..." Elliot said close to her ear and goose bumps erupted all over her body.

He kissed her neck and then moved his lips to her bare shoulder to kiss it softly, moving his hands around her waist.

"El," Olivia sighed and he lifted his head to look into her eyes again.

"Yeah," he whispered and she could tell he was making an effort to keep his hands to himself.

His blue eyes were full of love and passion. Olivia rubbed his chest before dropping her hands to her sides.

"We'd better get going."

"Yeah," Elliot said again. "We'd better."

They both took a deep breath and then moved away from each other to get their coats. Elliot put on the jacket matching his slacks and an overcoat, and Olivia put on a short woolen coat over her dress. They took a cab to the restaurant and glanced at each other a few times on the drive over. It was good to be together like this again. It really had been too long and while it felt good to be a family with Eli, they did need time together as well, just the two of them, especially with their demanding jobs.

They had a quiet dinner and enjoyed being able to talk about normal things, like how Eli was doing in school, about his other kids and granddaughter, and about the updates Cragen had sent from his 6 month cruise around the world. They stole bits of each others' food and reminisced about the many lunches and quick dinners they'd shared over the years. They had calmed down so much compared to those hectic times on the job together. Olivia was beginning to actually enjoy being able to delegate more. She was still out in the field a lot more than Cragen had ever been while he was their Captain, but not because she had to. She had a choice now and that felt good.

Elliot was proud of her. In a way, she was still the same Olivia he had always known and loved, and in another way she was different. More balanced and relaxed. She told him that he was a big a part of that change but he wasn't sure if that was entirely true. She had always been a strong woman on her own and he truly believed that she was a born leader. She didn't need anyone else to find her way.

"Maybe not," Olivia said, "but I know I wouldn't want to go back to being all alone now."

"And you will never have to," Elliot told her. "I promise."

They smiled at each other while sharing a dessert and when Elliot scooped up the last cherry from their fruit bowl, Olivia pouted. Elliot popped the cherry into his mouth and then leaned over the table. Olivia smiled and her face lit up when she leaned over as well, opening her mouth slightly. Elliot brushed her lips with his and heard her giggle softly. He then moved his mouth over hers and transferred the cherry to her mouth.

"Thank you," she whispered against his lips, and after she'd swallowed the cherry, Elliot kissed her again, deepening the kiss when she didn't pull back. They were hovering over the remains of their dessert and neither of them wanted to pull away. Olivia moaned softly when their tongues tangled, and she wanted to get closer to him.

"This table is in the way," Elliot said softly against her cheek and she couldn't agree more.

They broke apart and Olivia signaled a waiter for the check. After Elliot had paid for their dinner, they left the restaurant quickly to continue their quality time at home.

Making love to Olivia would never become something ordinary. They were both intense people and Elliot had discovered that there were many ways to make love to her and there were many ways she was able to please him. Tonight, they wanted to take it slow. They had all night and Eli wasn't there. But it was never easy to go slow with her. Once they got home and they had taken off their coats, Elliot pushed Olivia against the door to kiss her passionately. After some heaving petting through their clothes, they found their way to the couch. Olivia flopped down on the couch and Elliot kneeled in front of her. While Olivia peeled his shirt open carefully, his hands moved under her dress, from her knees up to her thighs, until his thumbs met at her damp center, which would be the center of his world tonight. He moved his thumbs up and down a few times, making Olivia sigh while she pulled his shirt out of his slacks before pushing it off his shoulders.

He needed to let go of her so he could take the shirt off completely, and she immediately missed his touch. Making love to Elliot would never become something ordinary. She couldn't believe now how they had managed to hold back all those years. His touch was electrifying and she couldn't wait to feel him all over her body again. Elliot reached behind her to unzip her dress and she closed her eyes when he slipped the fabric down her shoulders. His lips were on hers then, and his hands were on her lace clad breasts. Olivia leaned forward to wrap her arms around his neck, and scooted forward on the couch until their chests were touching.

Her knees were touching his sides and Elliot moved his hands down her back until he could cup her ass and pull her into him without ever breaking their passionate kiss. Olivia wrapped her legs around him and when she knocked his erection he groaned. Olivia broke off the kiss to look at him, a seductive smile on her lips.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked him innocently.

Elliot just grinned and reached behind her back again to unclasp her white lace bra.

"Absolutely nothing," he sighed when her full breasts were revealed to him.

It was always a boost of confidence for Olivia when Elliot looked at her like that. In his eyes, she was the most beautiful woman in the world and he had assured her many times that she always would be. He never focused on her scars or even the wrinkles that were beginning to appear. He didn't ignore them or pretend they weren't there. He just didn't think they were what was most important. It helped her to not focus on them as much either and she closed her eyes when his big, warm hands closed over her breasts and his mouth moved to her neck.

He was licking and sucking her skin while kneading and rubbing her sensitive breasts, and she pressed her hips closer to him, needing to feel more of him to alleviate the need that was building in her body. She wasn't one to beg, but she needed things to move along now. Her hands went for his belt buckle and as soon as she'd undone his pants, her hand slipped inside to cup him through his underwear. Elliot stilled briefly and she could hear him take a deep breath.

"I don't want to rush," he said softly.

Olivia smiled and kissed his cheek.

"If we go too fast, we can always start over," she said softly and the tone of her voice made him even harder than he already was.

She was right. They had all the time in the world tonight. He moved his hands to her ass again, and pulled her tightly into him before lifting her up and standing up, her legs still wrapped tightly around him. He carried her to the bedroom quickly, where he set her down next to the bed and took her dress off of her completely. She was only wearing a white lace thong now and he could see that she'd shaven again. Olivia tugged his slacks down and he quickly kicked off his shoes so he could get rid of his slacks as well. Olivia pulled him in then and when they both tumbled on the bed, she jumped on top of him quickly, straddling him at the waist.

Olivia ran her hands over his strong arms and pecs, and squirmed a little when he tightened his abdominal muscles against her throbbing core. His hands were on her thighs and he moved them to the insides, his thumbs moving up again like they had before on the couch. She reached behind her to rub his erection over his boxer briefs, and Elliot groaned.

Their underwear had to come off, now, he decided. Elliot flipped them over and pulled her thong down her legs first, and then got up to take his underwear and socks off. Olivia was sitting up again, clearly as impatient as he was, and he moved back on the bed quickly, crawling over her until she lay back down, looking up at him expectantly. He smoothed his body over hers and kissed her deeply.

"I love you," he whispered against her lips.

He kissed her again while bringing his body into position. he didn't want to wait any longer and needed to be buried inside her. Like she said, they could always start over later. She gasped when he started pushing into her, and moaned when he pulled back a little before moving forward again. Her arms were resting above her head on the bed, and she was surrendering to him completely. There was no tension in her body at all, aside from the way her hips were pushing up to increase the intensity and the depth of their contact.

He knew she's been handcuffed by Lewis and that this position made her vulnerable. He had never felt the need to pin her down and the way she just let her arms rest above her head, only confirmed to him that he would never need to. She was surrendering to him willingly and they would never need to resort to aggressive roleplaying to make things more interesting. Her complete trust in him was the best aphrodisiac he could wish for. He pulled back and then thrust forward again, making her relaxed body move up and down on the mattress. Her eyes were still closed and her breath quickening but still regular. She planted her feet firmly on the mattress now, so she would be able to match his thrusts and Elliot lowered his head to kiss her collarbone while he moved again, starting a slow rhythm while kissing his way down to her breasts. As they found their rhythm together, Olivia's moans propelled him on. He moved up to bury his face in the crook of her neck. He leaned on his elbows and made sure that his body covered her completely, creating friction between them that made Olivia moan louder as he thrust harder and deeper.

She was meeting his thrusts eagerly and felt her body gear up for an explosive release. Elliot was moaning and grunting in her ear as she felt him grow even bigger inside her. Feeling him slide in and out of her, hitting all the right spots and stimulating her clit with his pelvic bone each time their bodies meshed together was hurling her to her climax fast. She finally moved her arms and grabbed Elliot around the waist, willing him to go faster and deeper. She was panting and dug her nails in his lower back as she felt her orgasm approach.

"El, I'm ..."

"Me too."

"I love you. El."

"Oh God."

"Don't stop."

"Ah!"

"Yeah!"

Their pants and cries were coming together now and culminated in a loud cry from both of them when they went over the edge. Elliot felt like his insides were exploding with pleasure while Olivia's orgasm tore through her entire body, leaving her shaking beneath him until she could catch her breath. Elliot rolled them to the side and wrapped her up in his arms. Their hearts drummed against their chests and they both couldn't speak for several minutes. Making love to each other would never become something ordinary. And this was only the beginning of a night of passion for them.

...

And then a few weeks later, she was late. Really late. Could it be?

It was very early in the morning and the two men in her life were still fast asleep. Olivia had to be in early today and was sitting at the breakfast bar, pouring herself a cup of tea. Her mind drifted off and there was a small smile on her lips. Could it really be? She was already so happy with her new life, with Elliot and Eli. Would she really be blessed with a baby as well at her age? It had been a week already and she'd been so regular these past months.

On her way to work from the subway station, she wandered into a drugstore. She felt her body tingle when she found the pregnancy tests. She had only taken two of those her entire life, and both times she'd been totally relieved to get a negative result. It was different now. Very different. She grabbed two tests and paid for them quickly, taking the bag with her to work. She stuffed the bag into her drawer quickly when Nick approached her. He set a cup of coffee on her desk and she glanced at it. Should she be drinking coffee now? Could it really be?

She hadn't mentioned it to Elliot yet. It was almost as if she was afraid to jinx it. Part of her wanted to do the test with him there, but another part, the bigger part, just wasn't ready for his pity if the test turned out to be negative after all. Maybe her body was just responding to all the stress she'd endured lately. She was afraid to get her hopes up but deep down, the hope was there. The hope to have a child with Elliot ... could it really be?

...

 **Review?**


	74. Discarded

**Without wanting to give away too much beforehand ... you all should know by now that I'm trying to stay as close to the original as I can to make this alternate version of the show truly plausible so ... Well, here we go.**

...

74.

It was a slow morning at Missing Persons, which in itself should be considered a good thing. A few of the other detectives were chasing leads on a case but Elliot and his partner Pete didn't have any new cases this week so he was going through a few cold case files. Missing children were still his weak spot and even if the kids usually turned up dead eventually in these cold cases, at least the parents would get some closure. He felt closure wasn't an adequate word though. The case might be closed but there would be no end to the grief of the parents. He knew he'd never get over the loss of one of his children.

His phone rang and he smiled when he recognized the number. Olivia. He still couldn't believe that she had once again become such an integral part of his life. Only she wasn't his work partner anymore. She was much more now. She was the woman he got to go home to at night.

"El? Hi," she said, and Elliot instantly knew that something was up.

"Liv, what's wrong?" he asked her.

"Nothing," she said quickly - too quickly, "I just wondered if you had time to meet for lunch today."

Elliot looked around the quiet squad room. He had plenty of time.

"Sure, where do you want to meet?" he asked her, suppressing the urge to ask her again what was wrong.

He assumed she'd tell him over lunch and they agreed to meet in thirty minutes. She admitted that she was already on her way to the Bronx, which only confirmed to him that there was something important on her mind.

When Elliot walked into the diner a block away from his station house in the Bronx, Olivia was already there. She stood up when he walked up to her and grabbed his hands as soon as he was close enough. Elliot looked into her eyes and saw unshed tears.

"What Liv?" he asked, pulling her into his arms.

"It's nothing really," she mumbled against his neck, but Elliot wasn't buying it.

"It's not nothing Liv. Tell me."

She sat down and Elliot scooted next to her on the small bench, one arm behind her, and looked at her again.

"El, I ... you'll probably think this is silly."

Elliot sighed and tried not to look too frustrated.

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that," he urged.

Olivia sighed as well and Elliot was getting nervous. She didn't just have a doctor's appointment or something, did she? He felt like she was going to drop some bad news on him. Olivia finally spoke again.

"Do you remember how I was so regular these past months, and you said that meant that I'm healthy?"

Regular? Oh, right. Her cycle.

"Yes. And? You're not healthy?"

His feeling of dread was increasing. Was she ill?

"I ... am not regular this month."

It took him a few seconds to register what she was saying. Not regular. So ...

"You mean you're late?"

When she nodded slightly, the corners of his mouth started tugging up. If she was late, that might mean that ...

"Well, I was. I mean ... I am. But, well ... it's just that."

He suddenly understood why she was so sad.

"You thought you were pregnant."

It was a statement, not a question. Olivia bit her lower lip and glanced up at him.

"Yeah."

"But you're not."

"No."

"Oh Liv," Elliot sighed, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm so sorry."

Olivia finally let out her tears of disappointment, burying her face in the crook of his neck. She had started bleeding even before she could do the test, and she'd felt heartbroken. She hadn't even known how badly she wanted the test to be positive this time, until she realized there was no point in even taking it anymore. Still, she had taken the tests, both of them, in the ladies room at the station. They were both indeed negative. Having a good cry on Elliot's shoulder helped her to calm down a bit. Maybe it wasn't wise to even want a pregnancy at her age. It would truly have been a miracle baby if it had come out completely healthy.

After Olivia had calmed down a little, Elliot ordered some tea for both of them and rubbed her back while she sipped the hot drink. She smiled then and shook her head.

"You shouldn't be a father again anyway, El. You're already a grandfather."

"So?" he asked. "I would be proud to father a Benson baby."

He grinned at her and she knew he meant it. Still, would he really want to go through all that again?

"And have the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and the crying and all that all over again?" she joked.

"Yeah. And the cuddling, the first words, first steps and seeing you as a mother," Elliot answered, bringing fresh tears to her eyes. "I would love to do all that with you, Liv. I thought you knew that. But I also understand that it may not happen for us now."

"I'll be 45 this year," she reminded him.

"I know," Elliot nodded. "And maybe now wouldn't have been the right time. You're still recovering from everything that's happened, and getting used to being in charge at work."

He was right about that. Still, a part of her sadness stayed with her and she ended up addressing it in her next therapy session with Dr. Lindstrom.

...

Olivia had told him about the changes at work, and her therapist thought it sounded challenging.

"I can handle the job," Olivia replied. "It's just, I wasn't prepared for the caretaking. I mean, everybody needs my attention. If I focus on one, then the other acts out."

"The boss is often a parent figure. They may be projecting feelings toward their mothers onto you," Dr. Lindstrom told her. When he noticed a changed in her demeanor, he asked her,

"What's up, Olivia?"

"Nothing," she said quickly, but then reconsidered. "I just, ehm... I wasn't gonna mention it, but these last few days, I ... I thought I was pregnant."

Dr. Lindstrom nodded, some surprise on his face.

"I held off on taking the test," she continued.

"Until today."

"Yeah," she said sadly. "Turns out that I'm not. Just, ehm... I guess I should be relieved, right? Elliot also says this might not be the best time for me to have a baby anyway."

"Well, instead of talking about what he says and how you should feel, can you tell me how you do feel?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

She had tears in her eyes when she admitted how she'd really felt to her therapist.

"These last few days... waiting ... thinking that that door wasn't closed, I ... just imagined this whole other life."

She tried to keep her chin from trembling but Dr. Lindstrom assured her it was okay to cry about a baby that wasn't there. They talked some more about how her life had changed already, and the joy Eli was bringing to it. She'd known Eli all his life too, and she couldn't love him more. But to be the one to help a child develop and grow, both physically and emotionally, to watch their personality come out and be amazed about it, that was different. It would be something extra, on top of what she already had with Elliot and Eli. And it was something she had longed for for so long, that it was difficult to let it go completely.

...

To make matters worse they caught a high profile case, seemingly about a missing child of a man who worked at the UN, that turned out to be something completely different and Olivia was getting pretty worked up about it. The child they were looking for had been adopted, but as their investigation went on, they realized that the mother had made the child disappear herself. She had basically given him away to some kind of agency who 're-homed' unwanted children. Olivia couldn't believe that people could do that, and she found it even more difficult to swallow that they could do nothing about it. Apparently, Connecticut allowed for these nonlegal transfers of children.

When the leads led them to the house of a couple where videos were found of child pornography, which included the missing boy, the mother finally seemed to realize what she'd done. Olivia couldn't get over how careless she'd been with the boy. Elliot tried to get her to calm down but Olivia was livid.

"I don't care that he wasn't their biological son," she huffed. "He was their responsibility and she just gave him away to some strangers. Who does that!"

She looked at Eli, who was playing with some toys in the living room. He wasn't her biological son either but she loved him madly.

"Once you commit to taking care of a child, he's yours," she continued, "blood ties or no blood ties."

Elliot knew that there was more to it than just this case. It was hitting too close to home for Olivia, right after she had thought she was pregnant. She had always been fierce about wanting to protect children, but it went deeper this time. He tried to be understanding without pointing out the obvious to her. He knew better. She might bite his head off if he did. She was still reeling when they went to bed that night, and Elliot just let her talk until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.

"I love you Liv," he mumbled right before drifting off.

Olivia stopped talking and looked at the man next to her in bed. Was he really falling asleep on her? She sighed. He had been patient with her all evening so she shouldn't blame him. Besides, all of his kids were safe, so why would any of this bother him? She knew it wasn't fair to Elliot to think that way. He'd always been just as adamant to get justice for children as she was, maybe even more so because he was a parent. She knew she'd fight like a lioness for Eli too. That was why she just couldn't fathom why anyone would just give their child away to strangers, adopted or not.

They caught Alexa, the female half of the couple at long last, and eventually she gave up the current location of her husband Roger and the children they were keeping, including the missing boy. Olivia took Amanda with her and the AT to go into the apartment the man and the children were staying. The motor lodge owner had given them the key and they went in quietly, finding the two little girls they had seen in the videos. They told them Roger and the boy weren't there and then an older girl came out of the bedroom, asking them to be quiet because 'he' was sleeping. Amanda and Olivia went into the bedroom cautiously, uncertain of who they would find there, and were stunned to find a tiny baby, dressed in nothing but a diaper.

Children's services was called to get the kids and all the evidence in the apartment was bagged and tagged. While they waited for the children to be taken away, Olivia just couldn't let go of this beautiful little baby boy. She found some formula in the apartment and prepared it for him. It would probably look odd that she, a tall cop with a bulletproof vest on, was sitting quietly in the corner, feeding a little baby. The child had the brightest eyes and just kept looking at her. He didn't finish the entire bottle she had made him, but when she burped him, she laughed softly and then the baby smiled as well. Her heart melted on the spot. She kept him against her shoulder while she went looking for diapers and some clothes for the infant. She found everything she needed in the bedroom where they had found him, and she took her time examining his tiny body while she cleaned him up and changed his diaper. He seemed completely unharmed and healthy, and after his meal he was cooing happily. He was so innocent and so carefree. He had no idea of his surroundings or what had been done to the girls.

Olivia had just finished dressing the baby in a warm outfit when Children's services came to take the children away. As she handed the baby to a woman, she told her,

"I changed his diaper, and I gave him a little formula."

She found it difficult to let go of the baby but she had no choice.

"Such a sweet baby," she said softly and the woman that would take him away gave her a sympathetic smile, and then they were gone.

The older girl told them that the baby had never been on camera for the porn videos, but that Roger had brought him home one day as a Christmas gift for his wife. It had made her really happy. The wife said that Roger told her he'd found the baby in a train station bathroom, and she hadn't asked any questions.

In the end, they managed to find Roger as well as the missing boy, who needed insuline fast but was otherwise unharmed. At the hospital, Olivia had difficulty facing the woman who had just given her adopted son away.

"I know what you're thinking," the woman told her. "But I was having a breakdown."

"I'm sure you were," Olivia answered. "But you call someone. You ask for help." Leaning closer to the woman she said harshly, "You don't just discard a child."

She asked if the woman had any idea how lucky she was that her child came back alive and unharmed.

"If there were any better options for Nicky, I would recommend that you don't get him back," she said coldly before walking off.

There wasn't a fiber in her being that would ever understand such a thing. Just getting rid of a child as if it was an unwanted pet. Unbelievable.

...

...

 **A/N Don't hate me. Being about that age myself, I'm very hesitant about mid-forty pregnancies. I will never judge anyone, especially women who have no children yet, but this is my story and it's what happened in the show too, so here we are. You made me doubt for about a day though, but I decided to stick to my original plan. Not everyone can actually conceive a child and I find it important to acknowledge that. And family is more than just blood ties.** **The cliffhanger was supposed to give an idea of the hope that is always there against all odds.** **Feel free to leave your thoughts in the box below.**


	75. Worry

**A short bonus chapter today because it's SVU Saturday (It is to me, anyway) :)**

...

75.

Olivia kept track of what was happening with the children they had found, and especially with the little baby boy, who had not been a foster child before the child porn producing couple got their hands on him. She and attorney Pippa Cox went to family court on his behalf and explained the situation to judge Linden.

"Baby boy Doe was found in the custody of two known criminals who also had possession of four other children at the time," Olivia said.

"And what has happened to those other children?" the judge asked.

"Nicky Moore has been reunited with his adoptive parents," Pippa answered, "and the three rescued girls are in the foster care system awaiting permanent placement."

"And despite the extensive news coverage, no one has come forward to claim baby boy Doe, who was also found in the motel room?" the judge asked, rather surprised.

"No, your honor," Olivia said. "We've checked hospital records and databases for all reports on missing children, and no matches have been found."

"That's why we're making this motion today, your honor," Pippa finished.

"Understood," judge Linden said. She then continued solemnly. "It seems tragic that at a time when so many people yearn to have a child, a perfectly healthy and beautiful infant like this goes unclaimed. This baby, being declared a destitute child, will remain in the custody of children's services until efforts to find a parental caretaker are exhausted and more permanent arrangements can be made. Next case."

And that was it. Olivia was due back at work but she took some time to gather her thoughts. The baby truly was beautiful, but even if he hadn't been, he had parents somewhere. The father might not be aware of his existence but his mother certainly was. Like judge Linden, she couldn't understand why no one was coming forward to claim him. While it wasn't an SVU case anymore, she was going to keep on trying to find baby boy Doe's mother. She felt drawn to this baby and wanted him to be okay.

Elliot wondered if she wasn't focusing on the baby too much but she told him it was only normal to want to find his mother, and brushed off any attempts he made to bring up the subject again. It wasn't about her. It was work. It was what they did. Right?

...

Olivia thought she was doing fine, but was a little shaken up after a rather heated argument with Barba. De ADA was wondering if her ego was getting in the way of her judgement when she presented him with a case that couldn't be won. She thought they had each others' backs but was very disappointed in Barba right now.

Then Amanda got into some serious trouble because she'd been gambling again and she honestly couldn't trust her detective anymore. She wasn't sure how much more pressure she'd be able to handle at work and was glad she had a family to come home to each night. Elliot expressed some concern about how many hours she was making but she reminded him that it had always been that way at SVU.

Still, Elliot couldn't help wondering if Olivia was really okay after thinking she'd been pregnant, realizing she really wanted to be and then finding out she was not. He tried to make their time together as relaxing for her as he could, but she was always so tired. And when she wasn't, she was worked up about something. The ADA, one of her detectives, or all of them. And that baby boy. She had told him there would be another hearing in family court and she was attending. Elliot knew he was risking an argument but decided to say something anyway. They were lying on the couch in their sweats after a long day and a hot shower, just relaxing before going to bed when he decided to bring it up.

"Liv?"

"Hmmm?"

She snuggled up to him, her head on his shoulder and her eyes closed.

"Are you sure you aren't wearing yourself out too much? You've been so tired lately that I'm beginning to worry about you."

Elliot braced himself for her reaction and was actually relieved when she just let out a heavy sigh. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her a little closer into him.

"You know I think very highly of you Liv. I just worry, okay?"

"I know," she replied softly. "And I do have a lot on my plate."

Elliot wasn't going to say that he thought her appointment as acting commander of SVU had been too soon after the assault and the trial, but he was relieved that she at least acknowledged that it wasn't easy.

"Is there anything you can do about that?" he asked, still a little cautiously.

"I don't know El, we're still understaffed. I'm out in the field way more than Cragen ever was. And I still have to do all those other meetings and briefings and the paperwork he handled as well."

"So would an extra detective help?"

Olivia stirred and he made some room on the couch so she could prop herself up on one elbow to look at him.

"What are you saying Elliot?"

He shrugged and gave her a half smile.

"You can't come back to the unit," she said sternly. "You're sleeping with the boss!"

"Hmmm," he hummed, giving her a sultry look.

She laughed then and shook her head.

"Now that kind of attitude is _exactly_ why you can't come back to the unit."

Elliot laughed softly and held her gaze for a second. He wasn't really serious about going back to SVU. Not yet anyway. But he wanted to help in any way he could. Olivia settled back down again, wrapping her arm around him a little tighter.

"You're already helping El," she assured him. "Just having you here is enough."

He kissed her forehead and hesitated for a second before continuing.

"And all this stuff with that baby Liv. Isn't that eating away at you?"

He felt her stiffen and braced himself once again for her reaction.

"I don't expect you to understand El," she said calmly, and he thought it was a little too calmly. "I just _have_ to do this. I'm not sure I understand it myself but I ... I just can't let it go. Such a precious child with no one in the world to love him. It's hard to fathom."

"Do you want me to come with you to the hearing?"

It was a completely different tactic but he had to try it, just so she wouldn't keep dragging this thing along on her own. Olivia relaxed then, and he knew it had been the right thing to do.

"I would like that, very much," Olivia said softly.

...

They were sitting in the back of the family court room and listened to a corporate counselor addressing judge Linden.

"Social services' inspection of the home found it to be unsuitable for an infant. It is our recommendation that baby boy Doe not be returned."

"Unsuitable?" the judge said. "Can you be more specific?"

"Yes. Just a moment," the young woman said, as she started rummaging through her papers. "I have it here," she said, holding up one of the baby pictures in the file high enough for Olivia to see it while she continued flipping over pages. Olivia nudged Elliot and nodded in the direction of the picture. He was such a lovely child.

"A viral infection. Bear with me while I..."

"Your honor. I am the interim ACS caseworker," an astute woman interrupted. "My associate found baby boy Doe suffering from an untreated viral infection. She also noted there are two other toddlers in the home. And therefore, the foster parents are overextended."

"Based on the recommendations of ACS and corporation counsel, baby boy Doe will return to an ACS facility until a new foster home can be found," judge Linden ruled, banging her gavel. "Court will now take a short recess."

They stood up and Olivia walked up to the young attorney quickly, followed by Elliot.

"Excuse me, counselor," Olivia said, getting the woman's attention. "You said that the baby boy has a viral infection. Is he gonna be okay?"

The woman looked at her and Elliot, seemingly a little annoyed, and asked her,

"And you are?"

"I'm sergeant Benson," Olivia replied, motioning at the badge on her hip and trying to ignore the counselor's less than interested attitude. "I'm actually the one who found him."

"I just caught the file this morning. Is there something wrong?" the young woman said. There was that annoyed look again.

"Well, the baby's been put in three different foster homes. I'm just wondering why he hasn't been put up for adoption," Olivia said.

"Okay, I guess they're trying to find the right one," the counselor said. "Look, I'm not up to speed on this."

With that, she dashed off, no doubt to her next uninteresting case, at least in her eyes. Olivia turned around to Elliot, hoping that he would understand now why she was keeping tabs on the baby. He wasn't being taken care of. Elliot nodded.

"I get it Liv," he said, rubbing her upper arm with his hand. "But you have to keep taking care of yourself as well, okay? You have enough to worry about without worrying about baby boy Doe."

"He doesn't even have a name," she said softly, and Elliot wrapped his arm around her waist as they left the court room to go to their respective work places.

...

A few days later, Olivia had just bought a cup of coffee before heading over to the station when her phone rang. It was a video call from an unknown number. She was curious and picked up. She wished she hadn't because the face she saw on the screen almost made her drop her coffee. William Lewis.

"Morning, sunshine," Lewis greeted her happily, and she could tell he was calling her from a car. "I missed you."

...

...

 **A/N Dun dun! If you've kept up with the show, you know where this is going ...**


	76. Guilt

**I know that the time between updates is getting a bit longer, but I have not and will not abandon this story! I consider it my life's work and I will finish it soon. As I've said before, it just takes more time to get things right because I have to re-watch the episodes that the chapters are linked to. I know where the story is going. It's all in my head, I just need to get it on (digital) paper! Without further ado, here is chapter 76.**

...

76.

Olivia took a few deep breaths and walked to her squad room on autopilot. She walked straight into her office and came back out after dropping off her things. She put everyone on alert and had them bring their vests to the briefing she was about to give. By the time they were ready to start, Amanda had contacted Rikers as well as Bellevue and they were ready to go when everyone assembled around the case board.

"Okay, everybody, listen up. Here's what we have so far," Olivia started. "At approximately 10:45 last night, William Lewis, complaining of chest pains, was transferred from Rikers to Bellevue prison ward where all attempts to resuscitate him failed."

"Ten minutes after being pronounced dead he suddenly came back to life on the gurney, and he was held overnight for observation," Amanda continued. "At some point Lewis apparently convinces the DOC officer there to uncuff him. He then snaps the officer's neck. Lewis was discovered missing at 8:45 this morning."

They didn't know yet how Lewis had managed to get out of the prison ward, but a nurse had been found raped, hanging in a closet. She still hadn't regained consciousness. Lewis had taken her cell phone, purse and car keys so an alert had been put out on her car. Olivia said that Lewis was probably not going to leave Manhattan right away, because of his phone call to her that morning.

Just then, Lieutenant Declan Murphy came in, announcing that he was taking command of SVU for the time being, since Olivia was the target of their target.

"I know William Lewis better than anyone," Olivia said, annoyed that she was being overruled like this. "He is our suspect, and this is my unit."

Murphy told her that it no longer was, and started giving out orders right away, overruling Olivia's, and told her a protective detail had been assigned to her. Olivia objected of course, but it wasn't her decision. Murphy then took her office, practically throwing her out, and her detail came in to introduce themselves. _Great_ , Olivia thought. They introduced themselves as detectives Delano and Carlson.

"Just for the record I didn't request this," she told the two.

"Won't last long," Murphy assured her. "We're gonna get this guy."

Olivia dreaded the call she would have to make now. To Elliot. Knowing him, he'd be right over and would start acting like _he_ was her personal protective detail. And in a way, he was, especially at night. Olivia could only hope Lewis would be found soon, so there would be no nights with him on the loose. She was already a little jittery. She was trying to stay strong but the fear was there. And she needed Elliot right now, because he understood.

"Hey Liv, what's up?" Elliot said happily when he answered the phone.

"El, can you ..."

Elliot sat up straight, immediately recognizing her state of mind, even through the phone.

"Come over? Yeah. Where are you?"

"At the station."

Elliot took a deep breath. He hadn't been back there since the shooting. But Olivia needed him. He didn't know why yet, but he knew he had no choice. He had to go back to that place, now.

"El," Olivia said softly and he knew it was bad. "Lewis has escaped."

Elliot was out the door and in his car within two minutes. His mind was going a mile a minute. Lewis had escaped? How? When? And maybe most importantly, why? Could he be after Olivia again? She had sounded afraid over the phone and that was a very bad sign. She never wanted to show anyone her fear or insecurity, and now she'd called him from the station, clearly in a bad state. While driving, he quickly called his partner to let him know why he'd left in such a hurry and Pete would let their Captain know. He didn't know when he'd be back.

Elliot was out of the car even before it had come to a complete stop in the parking lot behind the station and ran up to the back entrance, flashing his badge at a few officers who were having a smoke before rushing inside. He made his way to the elevators and hopped in with a few other people who were also going up. The elevator made a few stops and Elliot tapped his fingers against his legs impatiently. When the doors finally opened on the seventh floor, he suddenly hesitated. It had been almost three years and he had no idea what would happen to him once he set foot in the squad room again. Therapy had helped him deal with it while he was in California, but now he was back here.

He stepped out of the elevator at last, just before the doors started to close again, and took a deep breath. Olivia needed him and that was more important than his own sensitivities right now. He quickly walked up to the doors of the Special Victims Unit and pushed them open to go inside.

Olivia was on her feet immediately and he rushed over to her. She hugged him tightly and then motioned for him to sit down at the desk opposite hers. He did, and looked around. The whole squad room looked different, but in a way it was still the same. And here he was, looking over two desks at Olivia, like he'd done for over twelve years. He was relieved that he wasn't freaking out now that he was back here, where his time at SVU had ended so abruptly. He was focused on the present and on the situation with Lewis, and not on the past. As it should be.

There were two detectives looking at them from a distance, and Olivia explained to him that they were her protective detail, assigned to her 24/7.

"Great," Elliot smirked. I'll put two extra beds in our bedroom."

Olivia blew out a breath and shook her head.

"I don't want them following me around," she sighed.

Elliot knew that only too well. She'd blown a fuse once when he'd put a detail on her without telling her. But he couldn't help worrying about her safety, even back then. Elliot nodded at the two detectives and they approached them.

"Hi, I'm Elliot and you can let me get close to Sergeant Benson," he said, a small smile playing on his lips. "And I can take the night shifts off your hands too."

Both detectives nodded in understanding, but told them they'd be parked right outside their apartment all night anyway.

"Fine with me," Elliot said, although he knew it was anything but fine with Olivia.

They talked about Lewis' escape and Elliot was appalled that the first thing that beast had done, was rape another woman. The team was currently talking to everyone who'd had dealings with Lewis, like his cell mate and even Bronwyn Freed, who had visited Lewis every day.

"I knew something was off with that woman," Olivia said frowning. "I wouldn't be surprised if she helped him escape. She's lucky he hasn't raped her yet."

Elliot was surprised at how harsh Olivia was being, but then again, this was bringing back so many bad memories.

Olivia's phone rang and she answered it quickly, letting him know it was Nick. Officially, Olivia wasn't allowed to work the case herself, but Nick was keeping her in the loop anyway. From her facial expressions, Elliot could tell it was bad. Very bad. He got up to stand next to her, his arm around her shoulders while she finished the call. Olivia leaned her head against his chest briefly before explaining to him what had happened. Lewis had killed his doctor, raped her oldest daughter and kidnapped the youngest one. The older daughter had a message from Lewis for Sergeant Benson.

"We have to get to the hospital, right now," Olivia said, her voice shaking, and Elliot nodded.

"I'll take you."

Thirty minutes later, the four of them arrived in the hospital with where the girl had been admitted. Nick, Amanda and Murphy were there, and Murphy wasn't pleased at all when he saw Olivia walk up to him, her protective detail as well as Elliot backing her up.

"Sergeant Benson, you shouldn't be here," Murphy said.

"Yeah, well, I heard Dr. Cole's daughter has a message for me," Olivia told him. "Is she conscious?"

Murphy told her the girl was just getting out of surgery.

"Look, if you were needed I would've called you," he said. "I told you to hold the fort."

"And I'm sorry to disobey your orders, but he has a 12-year old girl," Olivia insisted, "and now you've seen what he's capable of."

"I won't stand on principle. You're here now," Murphy said, making a gesture for her to pass him and go to Lauren's room.

Elliot, Delano and Carlson all waited outside while Olivia and her Lieutenant went into Lauren Cole's room. Lauren was relieved when Olivia introduced herself, because she had a message from Lewis for her. Lewis had said he'd kill her little sister unless Olivia told the truth.

"The truth?" Murphy asked, but Olivia cut him off.

"Well, what else did he want me to know?" she asked the young girl, who was severely beaten up but seemed very clearheaded.

"What he did to me, how he did things," Lauren answered hesitantly. "He said you'd like to hear the details."

Lauren was clearly very uncomfortable and Olivia asked her if she'd prefer if it was just the two of them. Murphy left the room and joined the others in the hallway.

Elliot approached him immediately and asked the Lieutenant if he knew what Lewis' message was. Murphy told him what Lauren had said and Elliot closed his eyes briefly. The truth. The beating. He wanted Olivia to admit that she'd lied on the stand. Her carreer would be over. That animal was really out to destroy her completely. He started pacing and ignored how Murphy was watching him with some concern. There was no way he was going to let that beast destroy what Olivia had spent a lifetime building up and he was going to make sure she wouldn't go along with it. There had to be alternatives to get to the younger sister and take Lewis down.

After about fifteen minutes, Olivia finally emerged from the room. Elliot walked up to her and asked her,

"Liv, you okay?"

"No," she whispered.

Before he had a chance to ask her anything else, Lieutenant Murphy approached them.

"Sergeant, can I have a word with you?"

Olivia gave Elliot a look and he could see she was in turmoil but trying to hold it together.

"Just a moment," Murphy insisted, and Olivia followed him, stepping away from the others.

"What exactly did the girl mean when she said, 'Lewis wants you to tell the truth'? This is just between you and me," he added, seeing her hesitation. "I give you my word."

Olivia moved around him, making sure no one was listening in. She was tense and worried but also determined to save the little girl. So she told Murphy, without actually saying it, that she had lied about Lewis breaking free before beating him up. Murphy filled in the blanks and leaned close to her when he said,

"You should've killed him when you had the chance."

She knew that now. She actually thought she had at the time. But this wasn't the time to dwell on that and she had a decision to make.

"There's press downstairs, I'm gonna make a statement," she told Murphy, while starting to walk away.

But Murphy quickly stepped in front of her, stopping her.

"Absolutely not."

Elliot had noticed the tone of the hushed conversation change and walked over to find out what was going on. He stood next to Olivia but didn't interfere. He just listened to their discussion.

"He has a little girl," Olivia argued.

"If you give him what he wants, he just might kill the girl anyway," Murphy said. "He's doing this for you."

Elliot put his hand on Olivia's back then and she glanced at him, a desperate look in her eyes.

"While he's waiting for you to move, he won't move," Murphy told her. "This is when we hunt him down."

Just then, they were interrupted by Fin, who told Murphy that Dr. Cole's car had been found. The group split up after Olivia had agreed not to say anything to the press just yet. Everyone that was on the case spread out. Elliot guided Olivia to a waiting area and they sat down, her detail taking the seats opposite them. Elliot knew that this was hitting Olivia very hard. Lewis had taken a little girl, trying to bait her and so far, he was succeeding.

His arm was around Olivia's shoulders and he rubbed her upper arm.

"Talk to me Liv, please," he said.

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She leaned her head back on his arm and looked at him.

"He wants me to tell the truth, or he'll kill the little girl."

She was trying to stay strong but her voice was trembling. He knew she would want to do anything to save the girl, but she couldn't throw her entire career away just like that. There had to be other options.

"Murphy says that Lewis won't make a move because he's waiting for my reaction. But who says he isn't going to rape her, if he hasn't already?"

He knew that guilt was weighing down heavily on her and he had no simple answers for her. The team just had to find that animal fast, or Olivia might do something drastic. He knew, probably better than anyone, that nothing could stop Olivia Benson when her mind was set on something. Not even a protective detail and not even Elliot Stabler. And it worried him, a lot. He tried not to let Olivia see that but they knew each other too well.

"He killed her mother, put out cigarettes on her, raped her from behind and took her little sister."

Olivia sounded defeated and Elliot leaned his forehead against her temple.

"He told her to tell me what I'd missed."

She sounded disgusted now.

"And that if she ever wanted to see Amelia alive again, she had to convince me to admit the truth. She begged me to do whatever it was that Lewis was asking of me."

He knew she was biting back tears.

"I'm so sorry that all of this is happening Liv," he told her softly.

"Me too," she whispered, and he could hear the enormous guilt in her voice.

...


	77. Statement

**Underlined print are direct quotes from the show as always. The last part is in italics because that looked better, but is also a direct quote. The show and the quotes are owned by Dick Wolf and NBC of course. Enjoy!**

...

77.

Elliot had tried to convince Olivia to come home with him. He'd gladly take the rest of the day off. Naturally, she had refused and he'd dropped her off at the station. She appreciated his concern but she couldn't just leave when the entire case revolved around her. He had made her promise him she wouldn't leave the station, and would call ahead when she was ready to go home.

It was frustrating to have to stay inside. She wanted to be out there and she knew exactly what she would do once she'd have a visual on Lewis. He was going to die. Even if it cost her her career, he was not going to live another day after this. She was pacing around the squad room while everyone else was doing all the work. Then Nick called out,

"Hey, it's Lewis. He's calling on a landline from Dr. Cole's cell phone. He'll only talk to you, Liv."

Olivia's face fell and she walked over to the phone slowly. Murphy ordered the techs to track the GPS. Nick pointed her to the right phone and she stood staring at it for a few seconds.

"Go ahead," Murphy said, but Olivia held up a hand.

"No. You gotta make him wait. You make him wait, it'll make him angry. When he gets angry, he gets sloppy."

She knew him only too well. After a few more seconds, she gestured to the people around her to be quiet and she finally pressed the speaker button on the phone.

"Lewis," she greeted her tormentor.

"Speakerphone, huh? You know better than that. Take me off, now."

She picked up the phone immediately and switched off the speaker while she sat down.

"It's just us. Lewis, you want me. You know you do. You let the girl go."

She had spoken calmly and was relieved that she was able to shut out all of her own anxiety for the moment to focus on getting to Amelia. But Lewis wasn't planning on letting Amelia go, saying he was thinking of keeping her because he liked her. He then let the girl say hi over the phone but before Olivia could talk to her, Lewis was speaking again.

"Twelve is such a lovely age. They start to look like a woman ... feel like a woman. But they still smell like a little girl. Sweet. Shampoo and baby powder."

He was taunting little Amelia and he was taunting Olivia. She tried to ignore her nausea at his words.

"Lewis, listen to me. Just tell me where you are and I will come meet you, whatever you want."

She meant it. Despite her own fears, she would meet him if that meant they had a chance to free Amelia.

"You know what I want. The truth. Tonight. Public confession on the 6 o'clock news. You and I both know the truth. The people need to hear it from you."

Before she could respond, Lewis hung up. They were able to trace the call though, and everyone sprung into action. Olivia shook her head. Somehow, she didn't think Lewis was anywhere near Roosevelt Island. He was playing them, again. She sank back in a chair and rubbed her forehead. Who the hell was he to demand that she tell the truth when all he ever did was spout lies? He knew he'd gotten to her and he was using it to get to her again. A violent liar. That's what he'd made her become and now he wanted her to admit it publicly. If they didn't find him before 6 o'clock, it would be the only way to save Amelia.

At least the date was fitting. April 1st. It would be one big joke if it wasn't all so horribly disturbing. After a while, everyone came back to the station. Lewis hadn't been found, just like she'd expected and TARU had found out by now that the phone signal had been rerouted. Murphy asked Olivia if Lewis had any known associates in the East 50's. Olivia thought it unlikely that he had met anybody in prison from the Upper East Side but the she remembered something. God bless her memory.

"Wait a second. His last defense attorney. She lived near Sutton place."

They set things up quickly and then Olivia called the attorney's number. Lewis picked up almost immediately and sounded a little impressed that she'd found him. She could tell that they were on the move again and asked him,

"Is Amelia still with you?"

"It's always about the girl with you, isn't it?" Lewis snapped. "You don't care about my attorney, her trials? You remember the smell of gas, detective? Burning flesh? I'll bet you do."

"Lewis, please ... just ... stop."

The memory was too strong. She actually smelled the gas and the burning flesh again, and somehow, she knew that he knew. If he hadn't been on the move, he'd probably be getting off on it. She heard him hit someone then while talking to them, and she tried to bargain with him.

"If you promise me that they will both stay alive, I will say ... whatever you want to hear."

She had spoken calmly, decisively, punctuating each word.

"What I wanna hear huh? You mean the truth?"

She could hear Amelia whimper in the background and tried to sound calm when she answered,

"Yes. The truth."

...

Murphy was flipping his lid.

"A confession? No! You give a sociopath what he wants, he rips your heart out for sport and holds it in his hand while you watch, bleeding out."

"He has Amelia. I know what he could be doing to her."

"No, you don't. You know what he did to you, you know what he's done to others. He's counting on that. He's not interested in that little girl. He's inside your head. _That_ is the assault he's enjoying right now. He's not going anywhere."

Olivia looked at the Lieutenant for a few moments and then turned around to walk out of the office slowly.

She had to hand it to Lewis. He was doing it again. He was, indeed, inside her head again. Playing her like a violin. Playing on her guilt about lying and on her sense of responsibility for Amelia. He knew all of her weak spots and he was using them. Prying open her scars and digging his hooks into her flesh. And it was working. She'd gone home and sat on the bed in the guest room for a while, her head in her hands. She wished Elliot was with her, but then again, she didn't. He'd talk her out of it. He'd probably even try to forbid her to make a public statement. She grinned at the thought and shook her head. As if she'd ever let him forbid her to do anything. She knew it and he knew it. Olivia Benson would always follow her own heart. But was this her heart speaking or her guilt?

She stood up slowly and walked to the closet, where her uniform was. She thumbed the dark blue fabric, wondering if today would be the last day she'd wear it. She had no choice though. She knew they wouldn't catch Lewis and that he _would_ hurt Amelia, no matter what Murphy thought. It would only add to her guilt. Lewis knew _she'd_ feel responsible for whatever _he_ did to the girl. He really was inside her head, and he was winning. He was making her come clean and in a very warped way, she actually wanted to. She would need to confess her sins first, before she could truly be forgiven.

She looked at herself in the mirror after putting on her uniform. Sergeant Olivia Benson. She had come so far and she was going to lose everything tonight.

...

Elliot had gone back to work reluctantly after dropping Olivia off at the station and when she texted him that she would probably be home late, he'd let her know he was taking Eli to KFC for dinner. He was worried about her safety and was glad there was a protective detail with her. But he was also worried about how she was coping emotionally. He knew she'd be taking the blame for everything. For the murder of the officer, the rape of the nurse, the death of the doctor, the rape of the doctor's daughter and the abduction of the younger sister. It was all Lewis' doing but Olivia would put it all on herself. And maybe Lewis _was_ doing all of that because of her, but she couldn't blame herself for the creep's obsession with her. She had just done her job. He remembered the games they used to play to draw out suspects and he knew she was exceptionally good at them. Men always reacted strongly to Olivia, either positively or negatively. He had yet to meet the first man who would not notice her and respond to her one way or the other.

He looked at his son, who was eating his dinner happily while kicking against the legs of Elliot's stool at KFC. He was watching the TV screen behind his father and Elliot turned around to see what was on. It was just the news and Elliot turned back to face his son, when Eli's face suddenly lit up.

"Look! It's Liv!"

Eli was pointing at the TV and Elliot whipped around again. There she was, in uniform, making a statement?

"Fuck," he said under his breath.

"That's a bad word daddy," Eli said, but Elliot wasn't listening to his son anymore. He was straining to hear what Olivia was saying and then noticed that subtitles were running on the screen while she spoke.

 _"My name is sergeant Olivia Benson, NYPD, and on the 6th of January of this year I testified in the New York state supreme court at the trial of William Lewis. And on that day, under oath, I swore that, when I beat him with a metal bar, he had broken free of his handcuffs, and I only used the force necessary to subdue him. That was a lie. The truth is, when I beat Mr. Lewis, fracturing his skull, his orbital socket, shattering his kneecap, breaking multiple ribs, and causing permanent damage, he was handcuffed. He and I were alone, he offered no resistance, and I was not in danger. The assault was nothing less than police brutality and excessive force. I apologize for the inhumanity of my actions and for my perjury. Since William Lewis was convicted based on my testimony, I request that DA Rafael Barba inform the judiciary committee of my actions and take appropriate steps to rectify the unjust conviction of Mr. Lewis. I make this statement of my own volition, under no duress, under no coercion, and under no expectation that there be a quid pro quo from Mr. Lewis. I'm sorry that I didn't come forward earlier. Thank you."_

...

 **Dun dun ...**


	78. Game Over

**BeautifulDisaster123 - welcome, by the way :) - wrote in their review: "I know how it ends, but I'm still on edge." Well, you _think_ you know how it ends ... As you all know, I have been weaving the Benson-Stabler romance through the storyline of the actual show, but I have deviated from that storyline before. Could this really go down the same way with Elliot in the picture? Read on to find out. Enjoy!**

...

78.

Elliot had wasted no time. After dinner, he'd dropped Eli off at Kathleen's. Kathleen had seen the news and needed no further explanation. A while later, he came barging into the station, heading straight for Nick.

"Where's Liv," he barked.

"Changing out of her uniform," Nick answered. "Listen Elliot. Give her a minute okay? This is really tough on her."

"You think I don't know that?" Elliot huffed, but he dropped down in Olivia's chair anyway in stead of going to the cribs to find her.

Lieutenant Murphy approached him and Elliot looked up at the bearded man. He didn't know him and had no idea what his agenda was.

"How could you let her make that statement," he fired off at the man.

Murphy held up his hands.

"I hear you've known this woman for years. You think I would have been able to stop her?"

Elliot smirked and hung his head. Nobody stopped Olivia Benson when she was on a mission. But what was going to happen to her after this?

"Have you heard back from Lewis yet?" he asked and Murphy shook his head.

"Not yet."

Murphy started walking back to the Captain's office and Elliot got up to follow him.

"Lieutenant, can I have a word?"

...

Murphy was alright. He knew that now. Elliot had asked him if he could work this case with SVU. When Murphy said he didn't think it was wise because it was too personal for him, he'd asked him to name one member of the team for whom the case wasn't personal. They would all fight to get Lewis and keep Olivia and Amelia safe. Elliot might just have an extra motivation but the others were just as invested in this as he was.

"I've always loved her and I had her back for twelve years. I can do this," Elliot assured the Lieutenant.

Murphy acquiesced and called Elliot's Captain at Missing Persons to request he be loaned to SVU for the duration of this case. He assured him it would only be a few days, and Elliot nodded. This nightmare would be over soon. It had to be.

When Olivia came back into the squad room, she was both surprised and relieved to see Elliot there. He was probably angry because of her statement but when he stood up, she rushed to him and they held each other without speaking. They didn't need to say anything. After they broke apart, Elliot stayed close while she went to get them a cup of coffee.  
Now the long wait would begin. And it was a very long wait.

"It's been six hours, no response," Olivia said by midnight.

She'd been pacing in the squad room. Everyone was still there, nobody was going to sleep tonight.

"So we wait," Fin said, taking a bite out of his Chinese take-out.

Olivia sighed and turned to Murphy.

"You were right, Murphy. It didn't matter. He's gonna kill her anyway."

She felt defeated. The others all tried to encourage her and thought that maybe she needed to get some rest. She assured them she was fine but Murphy insisted that she try to at least distance herself a little from everything. They would call her if anything came up. Elliot told her he was staying, and he trusted her detail to get her home safely.

"What about Eli?" she asked.

"He's with Kathleen. She'll get him to school in the morning. Don't worry about it. Try to rest a little, okay?"

She knew everyone meant well, but did they really think she was going to be able to rest at all tonight? She had just blown up her entire career and they were still no closer to rescuing Amelia at all. In stead of going home, she dragged her detail to a hotel bar, saying she needed a drink and didn't want to be alone. It was a lie. Ironically, she was getting quite good at lying. She expected Lewis to contact her and she needed to be ready to head out as soon as he did. She kept her bulletproof vest on and had a drink with her detail. Their conversation about Delano's recent dating experiences didn't interest her in the least and when she felt her phone buzz in her back pocket, she told them she had to go to the ladies room.

Detective Delano checked the stalls for her first, and then told her she'd wait outside. As soon as Olivia was inside a stall, she checked the message. It was a photo of Amelia, hanging by her arms, sent from an unknown number. She replied to the text.

 _'Where are you?'_

The reply was almost instant.

 _'Come get the girl. Alone. Or she dies.'_

Olivia was taking shallow breaths. She knew she should warn someone. At least send Elliot a text. Forward Lewis' instructions. But she couldn't risk it. He would kill the girl. After taking another deep breath, she came out of the stall and looked around. Delano had joined her partner again in the hotel bar and Olivia moved quickly, sneaking out unseen. Once in the street, she commandeered a town car quickly, saying it was police business, and sped off.

...

They could hear Murphy yelling from inside his office.

"You had better be kidding me. How do you lose a principal? Find her now!"

After ending the call, he called all the detectives, ushering them into his office.

"Benson's gone," he said and Elliot tensed up.

"Lewis took her?" Nick asked.

"She slipped her detail, commandeered a town car."

 _God Liv, what did you do?_ Elliot thought. And why hadn't she at least sent him a text?

"Any of you know about this?" Murphy asked the small group, warning them not to lie to him, but they didn't know. Not even Elliot. He wouldn't have let her go alone if he had.

Murphy ordered them to track her radio and her cell, and to put an alert on the town car, stressing that Olivia was armed. When they started to leave the office, Murphy stopped Elliot.

"Stabler. What is she doing?"

"She's going after Lewis," he answered. "She's gonna end this."

"That's exactly what he wants," Murphy said.

Elliot nodded. He knew. Lewis had been playing her and she had taken the bait. They had to find them fast before Lewis had his way with Olivia. Once he had, he'd probably kill her. He couldn't dwell on that. He expected that the car would be found soon and went up to the roof to get some air before they'd head out again.

He looked out over the city, gripping the railing. There was no sense in trying to understand why Olivia had done this. He knew. It was the only thing she could do. Sacrifice herself for the innocent. Let herself be smeared so others could remain untainted. He knew she would let Lewis rape her if that meant he wouldn't touch the girl. His knuckles were white from gripping the railing so hard. He had trouble breathing but he needed to stay focused. They had to find them fast and once they did, he would keep his word. He had sworn that day in the hospital almost a year ago, after Olivia had been found the first time, that if Lewis ever got out, he'd kill him. He intended to keep that promise.

...

 **April 2, 2014**

It was light already when they finally reached the last place the town car had been seen, at the docks in Brooklyn. They combed the entire area around the site where Olivia's phone had gone dead over an hour earlier, and they found her vest and gun. Lewis' car was gone though, and they had no idea where Lewis could have taken Olivia. They put out a BOLO for the car to harbor patrol and got a call soon. It had been found outside an abandoned building. Elliot was riding with Nick and as soon as they jumped out of the car, he scoped out the huge building in front of them. It used to be a granary. He knew they would start searching it from bottom to top, following protocol, but he was certain they weren't on the ground floor. He tapped Nick on the arm when Murphy ordered everyone to spread out, and gestured at him to follow him in stead.

Nick walked beside him.

"What's up Elliot?"

"They're up there. I just know it. You with me?" Elliot said.

Nick just nodded and they moved away from the others to walk around the building, looking for a way to get upstairs quickly. They managed to climb up one floor on the outside of the building over a pile of building materials, and crawled in through a window. They heard a helicopter that had been called in to aid in the search, and just then, Nick's radio crackled to life.

"Testing, testing."

Both men stopped to listen.

"This is William Lewis here. I'm here with Sergeant Benson, and we're playing a little game of Russian roulette."

Elliot clenched his jaw and gripped his gun tighter.

"We're halfway through," Lewis continued. "I'm sliding the gun across the table to sergeant Benson. There's three chambers left, one bullet."

The message ended, and Olivia's two partners looked at each other, now more determined than ever to end the life of this sorry excuse for a human being. They ran towards the stairs quickly, hearing the others clear the rooms below them one by one. They weren't going to clear any rooms. They knew they'd find them at the top of the stairs. Elliot could only hope they'd get there in time. Lewis had gotten Olivia to agree to this game? He had to have another gun on her and on the girl. She would be trying to buy time but Lewis was no fool. He knew they were coming, so he'd be moving the game along quickly.

Lewis' voice sounded over the radio again.

"Two chambers left. One bullet."

The realization slammed into Elliot that Olivia had already pulled the trigger on herself twice. His chest tightened and he reminded himself to keep breathing while they climbed the last flight of stairs quietly, Elliot first and Nick on his heels. They went slow this time, knowing that they might be face to face with Lewis within seconds, and they needed the element of surprise. They stopped abruptly when they heard Lewis' voice. It wasn't just over the radio this time. He was right there. Nick switched his radio off quickly and peeked over the egde of the floor briefly. He ducked, nodding at Elliot. They were too close to speak but Elliot assumed that Lewis wasn't facing the stairs. Nick pointed forward and Elliot moved slowly while they listened to the sounds coming from the three people that were up there.

They heard the sound of a gun clicking and then Lewis' voice.

"Game over."

Then they heard the sound of the gun cocking.

"Say goodbye, Olivia."

The bullet was in the last chamber and it was Olivia's turn. Keeping their heads down while ascending the last few steps of the stairs, they listened to Lewis, who was speaking solemnly to Olivia and appeared to be moving away from them. Was he putting the gun to her head?

"This is the last thing ... you're gonna think about ... before you die. The last thing ... you're gonna see."

Elliot knew he had to move now and jumped up, his gun drawn.

"Lewis!"

Lewis' head whipped around. His right hand was gripping Olivia's face and he was holding a gun in his left hand. Their eyes locked and Elliot could see the realization seep into Lewis' eyes that his plan had failed. He recognized Elliot and knew that he had lost, and there was no way out. Nick had moved beside Elliot, his weapon drawn as well. They seemed to be moving in slow-motion while Elliot stared the criminal down. Lewis started to lift his gun but before he could move another muscle, Elliot reacted. There was no hesitation. No calculating the risks. He just acted. He aimed and fired his weapon. He hit Lewis between the eyes and his lifeless body sank down to the floor, the gun falling from his hand. The bullet flew from the weapon when the gun hit the floor, and it got lodged in a wall. It was the bullet with Olivia's name on it.

Elliot fell to his knees, and finally looked at Olivia. He was back there, in the squad room in 2011. In the moment that had changed their lives forever, when he'd shot Jenna. They looked at each other and he knew they were both there again. He let out an anguished cry and hid his face in his hands.

...

 **To be continued.**


	79. Reliving

**Because of the developments in chapter 78, the episode Post-Mortem Blues will play out totally differently from the actual show. Enjoy my Bensler take on this drama while we crawl towards the end of this story, slowly but surely. (I'm thinking about 5 or 6 more chapters. Maybe more, depending on what the muse wants ...)**

...

79.

There was a whirlwind of activity around her, but Olivia wasn't processing it. All she could see was Elliot, sitting hunched over on the floor. Nick was uncuffing her and cutting off the duct tape around her ankles. Amanda was taking care of Amelia. Murphy had ordered her and Nick not to say a word and was shouting something about not touching anything because it was a crime scene. Then they were on the move. Fin was helping Elliot up and took his gun with a gloved hand. Elliot had shot Lewis. Elliot had killed Lewis. Lewis was dead. She still wasn't processing. She needed to see Elliot's eyes. Despite what she'd just been through, all she needed right now was to see Elliot's eyes. Nick guided her around Lewis' lifeless form and towards the stairs. Elliot was walking in front of her with Fin, and as soon as they had descended one flight of stairs, Olivia stopped walking and called out to Elliot.

"Elliot!"

Elliot turned around slowly and looked at her. She couldn't read the expression on his face or the look in his eyes. It was like he wasn't really there, just like in 2011, and it scared her. She couldn't lose him again. Not now. When he finally moved, she breathed a sigh of relief. He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight against his chest. He was shaking and so was she. Their coworkers were trying to get them moving again. Olivia and Amelia needed to be checked out in the hospital, and Elliot would need to talk to IAB. Again.

Olivia pulled away a little so she could look into his eyes. He didn't look at her and looked down in stead. His voice was weak but his words were clear when he finally spoke.

"I'm staying with Olivia. IAB can come to me."

...

They were silent on the ride to the hospital. Olivia knew Elliot was struggling with his demons from the 2011 shooting, while she was trying to fend off a few of her own. The conversations she'd had with Lewis over the past hours were still running through her head. He was dead, but he was still in there.

It had been horrifying to feel his hands on her again when he approached her after she'd arrived at their rendez-vous point. Naturally, he _had_ to grab her breasts and her ass to check her for a drop gun. She'd had a brief flashback when he handcuffed her but she'd managed to stay in the present, however disturbing that present was. She wanted to spit at him when he tried to get her to admit she was having flashbacks and dreams about him while he walked her into that building.

 _"It's very common, you know... PTSD. I mean, it's... it's real. You're in your bed at night, wake up in a cold sweat, thinking I'm in the room with a gun to your head."_

 _"Don't flatter yourself."_

 _"Nothing to be ashamed of, Olivia. All my girls go through it. I am an agent of change, nailed to the trajectory of people's lives. They might have hopes and dreams before they meet me, but then ... Then they run into me, life as they knew it is gone. Well, you know, right? Could be getting out of a car, opening a door. You might just hear a sound, but still you think of me."_

He was right. She would never have admitted it to him but he was right. She was still struggling. He was still in her system and she wondered if she would ever really be free from him again.

She felt Elliot's hand move over hers on her thigh then and she glanced at him. His eyes were still hollow and empty but he was trying to reach out to her. She needed him desperately right now but he needed her as well. They were a pitiful pair. The blind leading the blind. They couldn't really help each other right now. All they could do was hold on to each other. So that was what they did. Olivia leaned against him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She held on to his other hand with both hands, and they just breathed together in the backseat of the car. Breathe in. Breathe out. They were still here. They were alive. The rest would come later.

...

Tucker showed up at the hospital almost at the same time the group arrived, his demeanor void of any sympathy as usual. He demanded to speak with Olivia immediately and was baffled to see none other than Elliot Stabler come out of the hospital room where she was being examined. Elliot saw him but didn't acknowledge him. He just leaned against the wall next to the door of Olivia's room, ready to block anyone who'd try to go in there. He was grateful when Murphy stepped in front of Tucker, telling him in no uncertain terms to back off.

"Excuse me. Sergeant Benson's not receiving visitors."

"Lieutenant Tucker, IAB. Who the hell are you?"

"Lieutenant Murphy, Acting Commanding Officer, SVU."

"Since when?"

"Since Lewis escaped."

"You're on the job two days, your sergeant slips her detail, and the man she was accused of beating ends up dead?"

"Sergeant Benson did what she had to, to save a 12-year-old girl."

"And you witnessed what happened?"

"Heard some of it on the radio. We were on the scene in the immediate aftermath."

"Well, I need to hear Sergeant Benson say that."

"When she's out of shock and her doctor clears her for visitors."

"Fine. I'll be seeing you at IAB, Lieutenant Murphy, along with the rest of your squad. You too, Stabler."

Elliot didn't respond. He was feeling numb and not up to any kind of conversation. He did register that Tucker apparently wasn't aware yet that he had shot Lewis. It was just like that pompous ass to just assume Olivia had killed him before getting the facts. He'd always had a hard-on for both of them so he was probably gloating all the way back to his office. Once Tucker had left, he tried to relax a little. He felt like he was walking through quicksand, trying to get out of a bad dream but unable to wake up. Everything he'd felt when he had to shoot Jenna, had hit him full force again after shooting Lewis and looking at Olivia. They had both known in that instant, that nothing would ever be the same again. He was feeling that all over again.

These were the moments that stood out in peoples lives. Those page turning events that turned every other experience into something that happened either Before or After that one moment. They had had too many of those moments, both of them, and he didn't know how much more they'd be able to take. He knew Olivia needed him after being taken by Lewis again. God knows what he did to her this time. But Elliot wasn't sure he had anything to give her right now. They had been through so much together. When would they finally come to that life-altering moment that would break them? Gitano. Oregon. Malcolm Royce. The car accident, resulting in Eli's birth. Sealview. Sonya's death. Jenna. Lewis. And now this. It never seemed to end.

Part of him regretted going back to the NYPD. But a bigger part of him was glad he got to be the one to shoot that beast down. He'd seen it in Lewis' eyes. The man had known full well who he was facing. He had wanted to beat the crap out of him but there hadn't been any time. He still felt that silent rage inside him, and once he was certain that Olivia wouldn't be bothered, he went outside for some air.

...

They had tested Elliot's and Olivia's hands for gun shot residue. They had taken her blood and had photographed the blood stains on her clothes. Some of Lewis' blood had splattered on her clothes and on her cheek. He was standing right in front of her when Elliot shot him. So close that she might have been hit if Elliot's aim had been off. Very slowly, she was starting to process the events of that day and the night preceding it. The nurse had given her something for her heart rate and blood pressure and had told her to just try and relax for a while. She leaned back on the exam table and closed her eyes.

Immediately, the images and the feeling of Lewis touching her all over after he'd strapped her to that table washed over her, and she opened her eyes quickly. Her heart rate wasn't going down much so far. Nick came in, asking her how she was holding up. She sat up and asked him how Amelia was doing.

"Her father and sister are with her. Physically, she's unharmed," Nick told her.

"He didn't..."

"No. No, he didn't," Nick assured her. Amelia hadn't been raped. "She was ... bait."

"For me," she said softly. Lewis had baited her to get to her and secure his place inside her head once and for all. She felt sad and stared in the distance when she told Nick,

"He got what he wanted."

Nick left her alone for a bit, telling her Murphy had sent Tucker packing and that he'd get Elliot for her. Olivia wondered where Elliot had gone. She was really worried about him. He hadn't said a word to her after they got in the car together, and he'd walked out of her room while they were still examining her. He'd been there physically but he'd been totally absent mentally. She remembered those first weeks after the shooting in 2011. He'd been really out of it, unsure if he would ever want to pick up a gun again. And now that he had, he had killed again. Knowing that he'd shot a sadistic rapist and murderer this time should make it different for him, but the look in his eyes, or rather the emptiness in his eyes, was telling her he was reliving it all over again. And that worried her. While he'd tried to reach out to her, they hadn't really connected. Her concern for Elliot outweighed her own shock for the moment, and she really needed to talk to him.

...

Nick found Elliot in the secluded garden of the hospital and sat down next to him on a bench. They sat in silence for a while, both not knowing what to say. He could tell that Nick was registering his bruised, bloody knuckles, but he didn't ask him about it. Of all people, Nick would understand that he'd needed some kind of release. He couldn't know exactly what he was going through right now though. Nick had witnessed the entire thing but he didn't know all about Elliot's history. No doubt, he would have been filled in about Olivia's 'old partner' but knowing the facts wouldn't automatically make him understand. And Elliot couldn't find the energy or the words to explain it to him. Somehow, he had a feeling he didn't really need to. Nick was as dedicated a partner as he had been, and if Elliot hadn't taken the shot, he was certain Nick would have. Hadn't she told him early on that her new partner wasn't unlike him?

He looked at the younger man sitting next to him. He was deep in thought as well but turned his head to look at him then.

"You ready to take Liv home?" Nick asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he answered.

He hadn't meant to sound harsh but he had, a little. Nick just nodded.

"She needs you right now."

He knew that. He knew that better than anyone. But did she really need him in the shape he was in at the moment?

"Could you ..." he started, but hesitated then. She was living with him. How could he ask Nick to take her home? It wouldn't make sense.

"No man," Nick said immediately. "Look, I don't know what you're going through right now, but you gotta be there for her."

Elliot sighed and hung his head.

"Don't let this thing get between you, Elliot," Nick insisted. "Looks like you need her as much as she needs you. Don't clam up on her. It won't help either of you."

Elliot looked at the detective again. Nick seemed to know what he was talking about, and gave him a knowing smile.

"Yeah. I learned the hard way too," Nick admitted. "Communication is key. Spilling your guts is always better than shutting each other out. You can't let this break you. Don't give Lewis the satisfaction. Don't give him reason to gloat while he rots in hell."

Elliot managed a small smile and nodded. He was right. He pushed himself up off the bench. He felt fifty pounds heavier and his body was stiff, but he had to go to Liv. Take her home and try to get some rest. They were both due at IAB first thing in the morning. Nick stood up as well and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I've got your back, Elliot," the younger detective assured him. "And Liv's too."

...


	80. Weight

80.

Olivia stood up as soon as Elliot came into the hospital room.

"El."

"Liv."

They walked up to each other and Olivia sighed when Elliot wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple.

"Take me home," she said softly, and Elliot nodded, still holding her tight.

"And once we get home, I want you to talk to me."

He moved away from her just enough to look into her eyes. He could see worry and a hint of fear in her eyes. He didn't want her to worry about him or be afraid of what was ahead of them. She didn't need his troubles on top of her own right now. His first instinct was to shield her from himself, but then Nick's words echoed in his mind.

 _Don't let this thing get between you. Don't clam up on her. It won't help either of you. Communication is key. Spilling your guts is always better than shutting each other out. You can't let this break you. Don't give Lewis the satisfaction._

He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers.

"Okay," he said. "We'll talk."

Olivia was immensely relieved. They had come so far over the past year but she'd seen some of the old Elliot resurface today. The brooding Elliot who wouldn't talk about what was bothering him. That wasn't the way to go this time. Elliot looked at her again, and she could tell he was really looking at her this time, maybe for the first time that day.

"We should get you cleaned up first," he told her.

Lewis' blood was still on her face. Her sweater had been bagged and tagged and she was just in her white undershirt and pants now. Elliot guided her to the small hospital bathroom and used a washcloth and warm water to clean her face gently. The look on his face was serious, but he was in the present again, and not somewhere out there where she couldn't reach him. She held on to him while he washed her face, moving softly over her bruised cheek and split lip, and he wiped the smudged makeup under her eyes away meticulously. She wished they could take a shower and literally wash Lewis off of both of them. They would do that at home.

Elliot finally started talking quietly to her, telling her about his phone call to Kathleen. Eli was still with Kathleen and she had told Elliot she'd keep him for a few more days. Elliot had offered to bring some clothes and toys by for him the next day but she had told him they were going shopping for some new stuff for Eli anyway. They were grateful and Olivia realized once again how much difference it made to be part of a family. Family was about stepping up when one of your own needs something and never needing anything in return. About a deep sense of belonging and willingness to do anything for each other. She was learning to accept help without feeling indebted too much. She was learning to accept that she, too, belonged.

When Elliot was done, she kissed his cheek and smiled at him. He managed a small smile and held one arm around her waist while he turned around to leave the bathroom.

" _Now_ I'm taking you home."

...

There was nothing erotic about showering together this time. It truly felt like they were rinsing something evil off each other. Something that didn't belong in their lives and that could never come between them. Once they were satisfied that they were absolutely clean, they just held each other for a while, enjoying the warm water and each others' presence. They breathed together and soaked in the realization that they were still here.

Elliot's concern had not washed off though. They were still here, but he couldn't help worrying what would happen next and if that would be the life-changer that would break them at last. He shouldn't expect that they would be broken at some point but right now, he feared that they would. And maybe this was it already. They would need to report to IAB in the morning and he had no idea what kind of curve ball they'd throw at them. Olivia had slipped her protective detail and Lewis had ended up dead. He wouldn't put it past Tucker to read more into that than there really was.

They had put on sweats and curled up on the couch together. After a few minutes Elliot asked Olivia,

"What did he do to you?"

Olivia was silent and he looked down at her. Her head was resting on his chest and she didn't look at him.

"Liv? Did he ..."

"No."

She needed to reassure him immediately. Lewis hadn't raped her. He'd gotten close. Closer than last time. Too close. She could still feel him touching her. Grinding into her. Undoing her pants. Kissing her. She shivered at the memory, realizing too late that it was worrying Elliot.

"Don't lie to me Liv."

She sat up abruptly and looked at him, not quite believing what she'd just heard.

" _Lie_ to you?" she huffed. "I would _never_!"

"Liv, I could feel you tense up. He did _something_ to you."

"Yes, he did!" she snapped. "But he didn't rape me. He never raped me!"

Elliot's heartrate had shot up. She was too defensive and he had to remind himself that being confronted with Lewis again, had been very traumatic for her. Before he could respond to her one way or the other, her shoulders sagged and she leaned forward, her arms on her knees.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "but he really didn't rape me. He was going to but ... when I didn't resist, he stopped."

Elliot stood up abruptly. He couldn't deal with that visual at all. He'd seen her standing there, her legs strapped to the legs of that table, and her left wrist cuffed to it. He hadn't had time to really take in her appearance but he did register that her pants were undone. Not down, but open. And Lewis' pants were undone as well. So he'd only stopped because she didn't resist? Not resisting was so foreign to Olivia, that he felt sick inside that it had come to that. He tried to keep breathing regularly and turned back around to look at Olivia. She was taking deep breaths as well. Was she having a flashback? Elliot felt like he'd just swallowed a brick. Were they really back here again? Would they ever really get ahead? He sat back down next to her and put a hand on her back tentatively.

"You think ..." she said between heavy breaths. "You think that that's the ... the worst thing that happened?"

Elliot closed his eyes, telling himself the animal was dead and they were alive. Telling himself to focus on her, not on himself. What did she mean? What could have been worse?

"Tell me Liv," he said, his voice tense.

"He made me ..."

Olivia bowed her head, unable to look at him.

"He made me pull the ... the trigger ... on myself."

Elliot didn't say anything and for a moment, she wondered if he'd even heard her. She glanced at him and could see that every fiber in his being was tensed up. He'd heard her.

"And all I could think about was you."

The words had come out a sad whisper. Elliot still didn't say anything. He was on his feet again and she knew he'd want to hit something. She wondered how much of his own trauma had come back but she didn't have the energy right now to ask him about it. He had agreed to talk to her but it was all about her for now. The events of the day were still so fresh and she had a hard time reconciling herself with the fact that Elliot might have been faced with her dead body. Shot in the head by herself to save a young girl who might have been raped and killed afterwards anyway. Lewis had twisted her mind to the point where she'd gone along with everything he wanted. To buy time, she had told herself. But what if the bullet had been in the first chamber? She had started shaking and hadn't even noticed, until Elliot crouched in front of her and told her to look at him.

"Stay with me Liv," he said, his voice a lot softer than the intense emotions swirling in his blue eyes.

She nodded and reached for his shoulders. Elliot moved forward, kneeling between her knees and wrapped his arms around her. She wrapped hers around his neck and rested her forehead on his shoulder. They both couldn't find any words to console each other. They just breathed, until their breathing was completely in sync. They were still here. They were alive. Tomorrow was another day.

...

"We still haven't talked about you."

They had decided to turn in early but neither of them could sleep. They had just held each other, lying close together in bed, both caught up in their own thoughts. Olivia had calmed down a bit, using a few exercises Dr. Lindstrom had taught her to focus on the present. She knew there would be more nightmares and flashbacks but she had learned that those didn't kill her. Just taking things one day at a time. After laying together in silence for about half an hour, she was finally able to think about Elliot. About how this must have been for him.

"No," Elliot answered simply.

"You said we'd talk," she reminded him.

He remembered. And he knew it was important but he didn't want to burden her right now with his worries.

"I _need_ you to talk to me El," Olivia insisted. "If you close up on me, you're not really helping me either."

She was being a little manipulative and he knew that she knew it. He rubbed his cheek against her forehead and pulled her a little closer to him.

"You're not playing fair Liv."

She chuckled softly and the sound actually helped him breathe better, as if a weight that had been pressing down on his chest was being lifted for a moment. Maybe they were actually going to be okay. This time. He was afraid to think about the future, about what other horrors might still be in front of them. How much longer were they going to be able to bounce back and be okay? The weight was coming down on his chest again and he shook his head.

"El?"

"Yeah."

"Talk to me."

She was insisting now, and was propping herself up on one elbow. He could only make out her outline in the darkened room but he could imagine the worry in her big brown eyes. Even now, she was capable of worrying about him. The weight lifted a little again. Just enough for him to ask her,

"Liv, do you ever worry that one day something is going to happen that will break us beyond repair?"

...

...

 **Your reviews make me happy :)**


	81. (Don't) Give Up

81.

 _"Liv, do you ever worry that one day something is going to happen that will break us beyond repair?"_

Olivia took a deep breath. Of all the things she thought might be going through his head, this was the last thing she had expected him to say. They were fighters. Always had been and always would be. Or so she thought. He couldn't give up now. They had come so far. He must have seen fear in her eyes, or maybe he just sensed it in the dark room, because he lifted his hand to caress her cheek. She closed her eyes and swallowed. When Lewis ordered her to pull the trigger, it was either that, or be shot by him. She didn't have a choice and all she could think about in those long moments was Elliot. It had been the first moment she had truly been afraid to die. Sure, she had been afraid before, when Lewis had her the first time. But only because she had ached to see Elliot one more time. This time, he was hers. She finally had a reason to fear death. Not because she worried about what would come after death, but because there was so much to live for now. So much that she didn't want to miss out on now that it was finally within reach.

Elliot had always carried so much more with him, such a large family to live for. To _need_ to live for. And for her. Maybe it was becoming too much to bear for him after all. She had seen the hollowness in his eyes, right after he'd shot Lewis. He had killed again. He'd only just gotten his gun and shield back and he had killed again. He had killed a monster this time, but it had still taken him back to that time when he'd killed an innocent young girl. A girl his daughters' age. She knew that both times, he had killed to protect her. His need to protect was so strong that he was willing to kill to protect his loved ones. And he had.

But this had been a good shoot, just like last time. He couldn't let it eat away at him.

"You can't do this to yourself El," she finally said. "Or to me. You promised me you wouldn't break again."

She let out a shaky breath and Elliot propped himself up on an elbow too, so they were face to face.

"What if this wasn't the last time Liv? What if next time, we don't bounce back?"

He sounded like a haunted man and it scared her. Not because she was afraid of him, but because she was afraid she couldn't help him. All she knew was, they couldn't live like this. Living in fear of what might happen in the future would paralyze them, and that couldn't happen. They needed each other to stay strong. He couldn't break, or it would break her as well.

She lay back down on her back and sighed. Elliot lay on his back as well, his question still hanging between them. What could she tell him? He would need to talk to his therapist about this. They probably had books full of treatments for people with this kind of anxiety. She thought of another book of wisdom, and turned on her side to face Elliot.

"El, listen. Doesn't it say in the Bible that we shouldn't worry about tomorrow? I've heard it quoted a few times. _Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own_."

"Ain't that the truth," Elliot sighed.

Each day seemed to have more than enough trouble of its own and he longed for the days when life wasn't so complicated.

"We've had good days too right?" he heard Olivia ask him, and he knew she needed him to be strong.

He had promised her he wouldn't break again. He couldn't. And she was right. The scripture was right. He knew there was more in that same passage that suited their situation.

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

"What?" Olivia asked.

"It's in the same book," Elliot explained. "And you're right. Worrying about the future won't change anything. And if it does, it probably won't be for the better."

Olivia put her arm around his chest and kissed his cheek.

"I know that it won't go away overnight, but I need you to hang in there Elliot. Even if we both only have fifty percent to give right now, we'll still be one hundred percent together."

She was a fighter by nature and never would be anything else. He needed her as much as she needed him. Probably more. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. They had survived this day and he should be grateful that she was safely in bed with him. Tomorrow they would have to talk to IAB. Tomorrow ... wasn't here yet.

...

 _'You know what I want... The truth.'_

 _The word is echoing in my mind. It's his voice. It's always his voice._

 _'You and I both know the truth. The people need to hear it from you.'_

 _I did it. I confessed. It's out there!_

 _'Put your hands in the air, Olivia. What'd you think, it was gonna be easy? After all our time together? I feel like you don't even know me at all.'_

 _I'm going to be sick. He even smells the same. This can't be happening again. He's dead!_

 _'You know what? Think I'll keep the radio. This way they can hear you scream while they're looking for you.'_

 _I'm screaming inside already. This is not happening. I have to wake up!_

 _'You seeing a therapist? Please promise me you'll do that. He probably sits there with you and tells you that you're working through it, right? "You can be whole again, Olivia." Well, he's lying. What I do, and I've seen this in the victim impact statements, nobody ever recovers from it.'_

 _The girl is still unharmed. But for how long?_

 _'It's your choice now. And I have you both, so ... I can do you, let her watch. Or I can cut her down ... do her, let you watch. I'm fine either way.'_

 _My legs are strapped to the table and he's cuffed my left wrist to it as well, and is tying my right wrist to the table with a rope. I try to reason with him but there is no way out. I can't panic now. I can't let him rape Amelia. So this is it. He's finally getting what he wants. He's behind me. He's on me. Groping me. His hands are like fire on my skin. They're everywhere. Over my clothes. Under my clothes. On my breasts, again. He's kissing me and I want to bite him but that's what he wants. He's undoing my pants and I try to keep breathing. He's tugging them down along with my panties and I hear his zipper. I close my eyes. I can't breathe but I'm not going to fight him. I can't anyway. He's made sure of that. This has been my destiny all along. A rapist's daughter. A rape victim's daughter. Now becoming a rape victim herself. I go limp. I can feel his erection pressing up against my bare skin. He's already humping against me and now it's slipping between my legs and I try to zone out. Just let it happen. Don't fight him or it will be a lot worse. It will be over soon. Maybe if I just pretend this isn't happening ... maybe if ... God no! I'm biting my tongue and I can taste blood. My body isn't ready. It hurts. God it hurts!_

Olivia woke up screaming and was out of bed even before she realized where she was. Elliot sat up as well, reaching for the light switch quickly. She was in full panic mode, not fully awake yet.

"Get off me! Get off me! You're dead! You can't touch me!" she screamed.

Her words were true but her brain clearly wasn't registering them. Elliot stood up slowly and tried to speak calmly, but he couldn't hide his own apprehension when he said,

"Liv please, look at me. It's me. You're home. You're safe. Just look at me."

Olivia had backed away until her back hit the bedroom door, and just stared at him without seeing him. Her body was shaking and she was sweating profusely.

"Don't. Touch. Me."

"I won't. Liv, just ... just look at me. It's Elliot."

"Elliot ..."

His name fell from her lips as a sigh. She rubbed her eyes with both hands and hung her head. Elliot took a chance and moved closer to her, but didn't touch her until she would really look at him.

"Liv?"

She was shaking like a leaf and he wondered if he should get a paper bag. When they'd been talking earlier, she had mainly been concerned about him. But in her dreams, her own trauma had come back to haunt her. It shouldn't surprise him but looking at her now, he wondered if they had made any progress at all. She wasn't as beaten up as the first time, but other than that, she looked exactly the same. She was completely out of it.

She looked up at him then, hesitantly.

"El?"

"I'm here Liv."

She let out a sigh and her shoulders sagged, and Elliot approached her slowly until he could put his hands on her upper arms.

"I'm sorry," Olivia started but Elliot didn't want an apology.

"It's alright Liv. You wanna sit down? You wanna talk about it?"

She let him lead her to the bed and they sat down next to each other, Elliot's arm loosely around her waist. She was still shaking and he wondered if she was going to tell him about her nightmare. It must have been about Lewis, because she'd shouted 'you're dead'. Olivia didn't speak though and after a few minutes she stood up abruptly.

"I'm going to take another shower."

Elliot lay back on the bed, letting out a frustrated sigh. He couldn't believe they were back to square one after all this time. Killing the bastard hadn't killed his effect on Olivia. At all.

...

The water was almost too hot to bear but she needed it. The dream had been too real and she felt dirty. Her brain knew that he hadn't penetrated her but he'd gotten way too close. He'd touched her the first time he had her. A lot, actually, shoving his hand down her pants and panties, trying to get her aroused, but somehow he'd gotten so wrapped up in his own excitement, that he'd just focused on getting off himself. It was a mind game really, to freak her out. To make her wonder constantly when he was finally going to do it.

At the granary, he'd been right there, pushing at her entrance. She'd gone completely limp, accepting her fate without knowing it would turn him off so much that he couldn't even keep it up. She'd seen it when he moved away from her, right before he tucked his penis back in his underwear. His erection was weakening, almost gone. He needed her to scream and hiss and object, he needed to see her struggle, to sense her fear to get it up. But she hadn't know that. She was going to let him rape her. She had given up. And this dream ... it had been too real. She could almost still feel the pain.

She was scrubbing herself too hard again, just like she had in the hospital that first time. She took the showerhead in her hand to rinse her lower half thoroughly and the heat was hurting her. But the pain was better than the memory of the pain in her dream. He hadn't been inside her body but he was still inside her head. He was dead, but he wasn't. Just like he'd wanted. Like he'd predicted.

When she finally came back into the bedroom, Elliot was sitting up in bed, waiting for her. His eyes were red and she knew he'd been crying. She didn't know what to tell him. Maybe they _had_ finally been broken beyond repair.

...

 **A/N: So sorry that the story hasn't moved ahead in this chapter, but as you must have noticed by now, I love to go into the psychology of things so this had to be written. In the next chapter, they are going to face Tucker. And in case you were wondering, in my story his personality does _not_ change overnight. He's the Tucker we have all known and loathed for seventeen years. But maybe he's just the right person to draw out the fighting spirit of our favorite couple again?**


	82. Suspicion

**Underlined print are direct quotes from the actual show, which is owned by NBC and Dick Wolf, as you know. I have incorporated parts of it to embed my version into what we saw on the screen. Sometimes I use actual lines but have someone else say them. Those are not underlined. ****I've done some rearranging too because my plot is different, so see if you can spot my creative switching of some of the lines. _Italics_ are thoughts in this particular chapter.**

...

82.

Sleep hadn't come easily after they had settled in again. They had just held each other until they couldn't stay awake any longer but they both felt tired and heavy when the alarm sounded. They hardly spoke, just mumbling their 'good mornings' and sharing breakfast quietly, both caught up in their own thoughts. It was never a good day when they had to talk to IAB and it was almost like old times. They were both restless, worrying about what Tucker would accuse them of this time. He probably thought they'd set up Lewis together.

Elliot wouldn't put it past Tucker to suspect Olivia of trying to trap Lewis, knowing her old partner would come to the rescue.

Olivia wouldn't put it past Tucker to suspect Elliot of inserting himself in the investigation with the sole purpose of murdering Lewis.

They were both right.

...

"Well well, why am I not surprised to see you back here?"

Elliot managed to stay quiet and just clenched his hands into fists underneath the table. Tucker was sitting down at the other side of the table, next to his partner Sergeant Cole Draper, a half smirk on his face but his eyes void of any emotion as usual.

"You've got your gun back how long again? Couple of months? And here we are again, looking at another shooting."

Elliot continued clenching and unclenching his fists underneath the table, and didn't speak. He'd answer any direct questions Tucker would ask him, but he wasn't going to volunteer anything else.

"For the record, this conversation will be videotaped and you have the right to have a delegate present before we proceed," Tucker stated formally while setting up the camera on the desk.

"I have nothing to hide," Elliot said as calmly as he could manage.

"Alright then. What do you know about the statement Sergeant Benson made two days ago on television?"

 _Shit_. He did have something to hide, for her.

"I've seen it," he replied neutrally.

"That is not what I asked, detective Stabler."

"If you are referring to the content of her statement, you will have to ask her about that. I know what she said, that's it."

"Do you know if it's true?"

"I wasn't there, Lieutenant."

Tucker was getting pissed off at his curt answers and tried a different tactic.

"Oh come on, Stabler. You've been her sidekick for over a decade and you're sleeping with her. Probably have been for just as long. How would you _not_ know if that statement was true?"

The personal dig actually made it easier for Elliot to stand his ground. Tucker was way off base about his relationship with Olivia, just like he was way off base to assume they had tried to trap Lewis together.

"It just goes to show how little you really know about Sergeant Benson or about me. I have given you my answer and that answer isn't going to change."

He was relieved when Tucker dropped the subject of Olivia's statement. He worried about how Olivia would be grilled about it though. Maybe his career would be over, again, after this, but he wasn't going to let Tucker take Olivia down. No way.

"Why did you ask Lieutenant Murphy if you could assist with the case of Lewis' escape, knowing full well that Lewis was after your girlfriend?"

"I couldn't just do nothing. I thought I could be of good use and I was very motivated to catch the guy."

"Catch him or kill him?"

Elliot stared at Tucker, looking him straight in the eye.

"Is that a serious question, Tucker?"

"It is."

"I did not ask Murphy to let me help so I could kill the bastard, no. I just wanted the little girl to be safe, and Liv as well, just like we all did. Murphy was glad to have the extra help."

Tucker went on to ask him about the details of the events that followed after Olivia had slipped her detail, grilling him about ignoring protocol and going up into the granary even before the ground floor had been cleared. Elliot told him as calmly as he could manage why he and Nick had made this decision. Tucker was skeptical about him 'knowing' Lewis would be on the top floor.

"Did Benson tip you off about their location?"

Elliot scoffed.

"She was being held at gunpoint, tied to a table. We found her phone miles away and it had gone dead hours earlier. How would she have tipped me off? And if I'd known they were at that granary, do you think we would have 'pretended' to be looking for them for hours in stead of getting Liv and Amelia out straight away?"

Tucker was reaching, as usual, and Elliot had to bite his tongue to keep from telling the man just that. It was pathetic really, how this Lieutenant didn't trust anyone. He must have had a shitty childhood to have grown up to be this robot-like interrogator, his sole purpose being taking other people down.

Tucker wasn't arguing his logic for once, and continued asking him about all the details of his and Nick's ascent into the building and up the stairs of the granary, and what happened exactly when they found Lewis and his hostages.

"Did you identify yourselves as NYPD to Lewis before you fired your weapon?"

Elliot closed his eyes and had to make an effort not to start laughing out loud. He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly before opening his eyes and looking into Tucker's ice cold stare.

"He knew who I was. We wore vests that say 'police'. He was communicating with us through our police radios."

"Did you tell him to drop the gun?"

"There was no time. He was moving to point it at me so I fired first."

"Did you calculate the risks of hitting Benson or Amelia before you took the shot?"

Elliot swallowed hard. He hadn't. He had fired on instinct. Just like with Jenna. As soon as the girl had pointed her gun again, he'd fired. He had done exactly the same with Lewis. He could have shot Olivia. Could have killed her, or crippled her for life. He hadn't thought of that in that instance. It had been a reflex. But he wasn't going to say that out loud. That kind of reflex might get innocent people shot or killed and would give Tucker enough rope to hang him with.

"I only had one chance and I took it," he finally said.

"So you risked shooting someone other than Lewis."

"There was no time to think. And I didn't miss."

...

Olivia didn't know how Elliot's interview had gone. He was pale when he came out of the interview room. No contact was allowed between squad members and other witnesses who had been interviewed and those who were still waiting, and Elliot was taken to the other waiting room. Nick had been questioned first, and Olivia was glad Elliot wouldn't be alone. Her two partners had saved her life. Yes, they had broken protocol, but if they hadn't, she might not be alive today. Or Amelia. Olivia took a deep breath. The lack of sleep and her nightmares had made her a little shaky, but she wasn't going to let Tucker take Elliot or Nick down. All that Tucker ever did was question other people's motives. Elliot and Nick might be hotheads but their motives were always pure. They had saved her and had taken down a sadistic, raping, murdering maniac. They deserved a medal in stead of this incessant suspicion.

Tucker wasn't being nice to her but she had to hand it to him. He wasn't being a total asshole either. His and Draper's questions did reveal some suspicion about her actions though. They actually thought she and Elliot had planned all this? How would she ever _plan_ to get taken by Lewis again? And did Tucker really think Elliot would go along with such a plan? If he'd even had the slightest notion that she was going to meet Lewis, he would have stopped her.

Tucker jotted down a few things, apparently keeping his own notes aside from the video recordings. Olivia zoned out, thinking back to how Lewis had groped her and had ground against her from behind, almost raping her ...

"Sergeant? Sergeant? Do you need a moment?"

Tucker's voice brought her back to the present.

"No. I'm sorry. What ... what was the question?"

"Did you at any time notify your commanding officer or detective Stabler of your location or intent?" Draper asked.

 _They would never have let me go._

"I did not. From the text that Lewis sent me, I knew that if he saw backup that Amelia's life would be in danger."

"And when you arrived at his location?"

 _I wanted to throw up when I saw that cocky grin again._

"Lewis met me, Glock in hand, pointing it at my head. He then took my weapon, and he threw it, along with my vest and my cell phone."

 _He made sure to put his hands all over me._

"Then what happened?" Tucker asked.

"He forced me into his car, handcuffed me to the door, and eventually drove me to the granary, where he led me at gunpoint to where Amelia was tied up. He then gave me a choice. He said that ... he could rape me first and then Amelia ... or Amelia first."

"And you responded?"

 _I couldn't let him violate an innocent your girl._

"I told him to rape me."

 _I had to buy time. I had no choice._

"Did he rape you, Sergeant?" Draper asked her.

 _No. No! Nooooo!_

"He did not."

 _He did not. He did not. He did not. He did not._

"Why not?"

"Because I decided not to offer any resistance. Lewis gets off on the struggle, so as soon as I gave up, he got bored."

 _Malfunctioning, sadistic freak._

Tucker bypassed completely what it must have done to her, to basically give someone permission to rape her, and not resist in any way. Those moments would haunt her for the rest of her life and she'd never take another witness statement without remembering that overwhelming sense of powerlessness. Even if she had resisted, she wouldn't have been able to stop him. She wasn't sure if she would ever truly get past this.

Meanwhile, Tucker had moved on to ask her for more details about how they had played Russian roulette. Olivia gave as many details as possible. She had been convinced she was going to die when Lewis had walked up to her, grabbed her face and pointed the gun at her.

"Which hand was Lewis holding the gun in?" Draper asked.

"His left hand. He was grabbing my face with his right hand."

"Even though he was right-handed?" Tucker said, and she felt like he was questioning her recollection of the ordeal.

"Yes."

"Why was he holding the gun in his left hand?"

"I don't know."

Tucker was thinking about her words, and so was Olivia herself. Then she remembered Lewis' second turn.

"He switched hands his second turn as well," she told the Lieutenant. "Told me that if he shot himself like that, nobody would believe me. They would assume I had shot him in cold blood because ... because ..."

"Because of your public confession."

"Yes."

She looked down at her hands in her lap She hadn't wanted to bring up her confession herself, but there was no way around it anyway.

"About that," Tucker said, glancing at his partner and then looking down at his notes while leaning his elbows on the table. "Given the circumstances, I get that you made that statement for Lewis' benefit but I have to ask you. Was it true?"

Olivia's brain was working on overdrive. Lewis was dead but Tucker could still go after her for perjury. She had always known her lie would catch up to her eventually. And she had no idea what Nick and Elliot had already told Tucker. She needed to make it perfectly clear that the statement had indeed been for Lewis' benefit, and that in no way had it been voluntary. She told Tucker,

"I did make that statement under duress."

"Ten hours before you went rogue, you publicly confessed to assaulting Lewis and lying about it at his trial. Why would he want you to make such a statement?"

Olivia was beginning to put things together. Had Lewis actually planned on shooting himself in the left temple to frame her for it? It would have been like he'd said. Nobody would have believed her after that confession. When she looked at Tucker again, she could see that he must have come to the same conclusion she had.

"He was going to frame me ..." she said, astonished.

Tucker nodded.

"He knew he was done."

"So his last act would be the final nail in my coffin."

"He was going to kill himself."

"Shattering my life in the process."

Olivia leaned back in her chair and blew out a breath slowly. Goosebumps were erupting in her neck. Tucker got it. They both got it now. The whole thing had been a plan to ruin her life once and for all. And if Elliot and Nick hadn't broken protocol to rush upstairs, he would have succeeded. Her career would have been over. Her _life_ would have been over. She could tell that Tucker was connecting the dots as well. He wasn't done though.

"Sergeant, I have read the medical reports in the Lewis case. His injuries were ... quite extensive. Do you have anything to say about that?"

Olivia remained silent. What could she say?

"Given Lewis' demand for a public statement about how those injuries were sustained, one has to wonder what really happened there."

Olivia returned to her old mantra.

"I did what I had to do to subdue him."

"And when you made that statement on the news?"

"I did what he told me to do, to try and save Amelia."

"At the risk of losing your entire career?"

Olivia sighed and chose not to say another word. If Tucker chose to pursue the beating, she knew she was screwed. And she suspected Tucker knew it. But just when she thought he was going to go in for the kill, the IAB Lieutenant threw her another curve ball.

"Alright. We'll get back to that later. Now, let's talk about Stabler."

...

 **Your reviews are always appreciated!**


	83. I Would Never

**I was going to cut this into two chapters but decided to make it one long one, so no Tucker cliffhangers anymore. Enjoy!**

...

83.

 _"Given Lewis' demand for a public statement about how those injuries were sustained, one has to wonder what really happened there."_

 _Olivia returned to her old mantra._

 _"I did what I had to do to subdue him."_

 _"And when you made that statement on the news?"_

 _"I did what he told me to do, to try and save Amelia."_

 _"At the risk of losing your entire career?"_

 _Olivia sighed and chose not to say another word. If Tucker chose to pursue the beating, she knew she was screwed. And she suspected Tucker knew it. But just when she thought he was going to go in for the kill, the IAB Lieutenant threw her another curve ball._

 _"Alright. We'll get back to that later. Now, let's talk about Stabler."_

...

Olivia frowned and looked into Tucker's cold blue eyes.

"What about him?"

"You two are involved, correct?"

"Yes. We have been since last summer."

"Right," Tucker scoffed and he glanced at his partner before looking at her again.

"If you say so, Sergeant."

Olivia resisted the urge to defend herself. She knew the rumors about her and Elliot. They had been going on for years. She couldn't care less what Tucker thought of them personally though. All she wanted was for him to leave Elliot alone. So she stayed silent until Tucker would ask his next question.

"Did you inform Stabler about your plans to make a public confession about beating up Lewis?"

"I did not. I told Lieutenant Murphy that Lewis had made this demand. Elliot wasn't there at the time and I never discussed it with him."

"And how did Lieutenant Murphy respond?"

"He didn't want me to do it at first. He thought that we could catch Lewis while he waited for my next move."

"But you made the statement anyway."

"Yes. We spoke about it some more and then he told me to do it."

"You have a knack of getting your way, don't you, Sergeant?"

"What is that supposed to mean? You think I _wanted_ to make that statement?"

Tucker leaned back in his seat and eyed her for a few moments. She couldn't read him at all. She'd never been able to read him in all the years they had run into each other. Tucker was like an empty shell with no emotion or heart at all. She wondered if he'd ever loved anyone, and realized she knew absolutely nothing about the man's personal life, if he even had one. Maybe he didn't have any family, just like her, and just lived for his career - just like she had for years. It hit her again what an empty existence it really was, to have no one to go home to and to share your feelings with at the end of the day. She didn't want to end up like Tucker, and now that she and Elliot had finally found each other, she believed for the first time in her life that she wouldn't. Provided they both get through this IAB investigation. She had to wonder where Tucker's line of questioning was going. She tried to focus on Tucker's words when he finally spoke again.

"It would seem to me that you have been in the lead from the beginning, as soon as Lewis escaped."

 _In the lead? What is he getting at?_

"I was the first person he contacted," she stated.

"Then you tried to lead your unit to go after him, but you were cut off when Lieutenant Murphy took over with orders from 1PP."

Olivia nodded. _All hail 1PP._

"Since you were no longer leading the manhunt, you took it upon yourself to slip your detail and go after him anyway."

"He contacted me again. _Me_. Not the squad."

"Why didn't you inform your superior officer in stead of going rogue?"

"Like I said," Olivia replied, getting a little annoyed that Tucker seemed to be starting over, "I was afraid Lewis would harm the girl if he saw or even suspected I had backup."

"The first time Lewis abducted you was very traumatic for you, wasn't it?"

Olivia's eyes went wide and she blinked a few times. Where had that come from?

"I can imagine you are still trying to deal with it in your day-to-day life," Tucker continued.

Olivia opened her mouth to speak but she was too stunned to say anything for a moment.

"This is why I have difficultly believing you would willingly meet with him alone, knowing he would be armed and ready to hurt you again."

Olivia needed a minute to understand what exactly was the question hidden in Tucker's words. The dry way the words had left his mouth, made it difficult for her to find the subliminal message he was sending her. She finally realized that he had said she wouldn't meet Lewis _alone_ willingly.

"You think Elliot knew about it ..." she said, stunned.

Tucker leaned forward again, his elbows on the table and his fingertips pressed together, staring at her intently.

"You can't be serious!" Olivia fired at him, finally losing her patience with the Lieutenant. "He was with the squad the whole time. Do you seriously believe he would have let me run off alone like that, just hoping he'd get to me in time later? Do you know for how long Lewis had me before the squad got there?"

The idea was too preposterous to even consider.

"Well, maybe you didn't need to tell him. You've worked together for so long that you are able to anticipate each others' moves. Once you had made your move, you could be certain Stabler would come to your rescue, while giving him a very legitimate reason to kill the bastard in the process."

Once again, Olivia was at a loss for words. The tiny hint of understanding she thought she'd heard in his words, when he said he understood that she was still trying to deal with the trauma of her first abduction, had just evaporated. Tucker didn't understand shit. He didn't understand trauma, not hers and not Elliot's. And he didn't understand love. At all. She would never _ever_ put Elliot in a position where he would have no choice but to kill. She had never even thought that far ahead. Her main focus had been on the girl. Maybe she should have thought things through further but she hadn't. Lewis just couldn't be allowed to hurt another person over her. It was her he'd wanted, so she had gone to meet him, alone. She tried to keep her voice steady when she spoke again, looking Tucker dead in the eye.

"I would _never use_ Elliot or anyone else like that to kill someone, no matter how much that person deserves to die. _Every single time_ Elliot has had to fire his weapon at another human being, he has killed a small part of himself. Last time, he barely survived. Not literally, but in here," she added, putting a hand over her heart.

Her voice was trembling but she wasn't finished.

"I just wanted it to _stop_ ... and I was ready to give Lewis what he wanted to make him stop raping and murdering people because of _me_. I did not expect my squad to find us in time. I hoped they would, but I knew I was basically on my own. If this shooting turns out to be the one that breaks Elliot ..."

Her voice broke and she took a deep breath, willing the tears away that were starting to well in her eyes.

"I'm not sure I will be able to forgive myself for doing that to him."

The memory of the look in Elliot's eyes at the granary, right after he'd shot Lewis, was overwhelming and Olivia couldn't suppress a sob when she covered her face with her hands.

...

Elliot was wringing his hands, unable to sit still in the plastic chair in the waiting area just around the corner from where Tucker and Draper were questioning Olivia. Nick had assured him he'd relayed exactly what had happened at the granary. He was convinced that even Tucker was glad the prick was dead, and that breaking protocol by rushing upstairs wouldn't be held against them if that was all they had on them. And what else could they have? It was just a formality.

Elliot wasn't so sure. Tucker always dug just a little deeper when he and Olivia were involved. He didn't understand the obsession. Sure, they got a little overzealous at times, a little too passionate about their cases, but they still had the highest case closure rate in the city when they still worked together. Maybe the man was just jealous of their passion because he didn't have any of his own. Which was sad actually, but Elliot wasn't feeling very sympathetic towards Tucker today.

Nick had just left because he was due back at the station when Elliot's attention was drawn to the sound of a door opening and quick footsteps. He got up to look around the corner of the hallway, and saw Sergeant Draper rushing away from the interview room Olivia was in. He heard muffled sounds coming from the interview room and walked over. When he recognized the sounds he walked faster and burst into the room to rush to Olivia's side. She was hyperventilating and he dropped to his knees next to her chair, ignoring Tucker for a moment. The Lieutenant had rounded the table to try and calm Olivia down, but he clearly wasn't getting anywhere.

Elliot wrapped his arm loosely around Olivia's waist and started speaking softly to her.

"I'm here Liv. Look at me and breathe out slowly, okay?"

Olivia fixed her eyes on his face, which meant she wasn't caught up in a flashback, but she wasn't calming down yet.

"Draper is getting her a bottle of water," Tucker said.

"Tell him to bring a paper bag," Elliot barked, and Tucker nodded before walking into the hallway to relay the message.

Ten minutes later, Olivia was finally relaxing again. Elliot was still sitting up on his knees next to her chair, and she rested her head against his shoulder. She sipped her water and let out a long, shaky breath.

"I take it you're done here?" Elliot said to Tucker and Draper, who had taken their seats again.

He was still rubbing Olivia's back gently. He couldn't stand seeing her like this in public and wanted to get her out of there and back home as quickly as possible. He wanted to know what Tucker had said to Olivia to get her worked up like this, but he didn't want to upset her again. Then Olivia spoke up, her voice soft but clear.

"He thinks I used you to kill Lewis."

She sat up straight then and placed her hands on his cheeks, looking into his eyes.

"But I would _never_ , El. You know that, don't you? I would never use you like that, knowing how you've suffered after ..."

She shook her head and closed her eyes. Elliot leaned his forehead against hers and rubbed her back reassuringly.

"I know Liv. I know. We never signed up for the job to kill. We both just wanted to save the girl. I don't care what anyone else makes of it, but I know you Liv. And you know me. Nothing is going to change that. Nothing."

He was speaking as much to himself as he was to her. They couldn't let this break them. They had come too far to give up now. Even if they lost their jobs over this incident, and even if they would need therapy for years to come, they would not let things end like this. As long as they had each other, they would be okay. They had to be.

Tucker cleared his throat and they both looked at him. The IAB Lieutenant seemed uneasy, and he couldn't remember ever seeing him like that. Elliot stood up and Olivia took his hand and stood up as well. Tucker nodded and looked at Draper, who seemed just as little at ease as his partner. Then they stood up too.

"We ... will get back to you," Tucker said to Elliot, avoiding looking at Olivia.

The thought struck Elliot that Tucker really didn't know how to deal with real emotion at all. Olivia was picking herself up quickly though, and straightened her back.

"If you have to blame anyone for this mess, Tucker, blame me. Not Elliot."

Tucker looked at her then, clearly relieved that she was returning to a more badass version of Olivia Benson. A version he could deal with. He gave her a curt nod and Olivia moved to leave the room, Elliot following closely behind her. Just before they stepped into the hallway, Tucker called after her.

"Sergeant Benson."

When she turned around to look at him, Elliot wrapped his arm around her waist and gave Tucker a warning glare. It wasn't necessary this time.

"For what it's worth ... I'm glad you're okay."

Olivia managed a small smile and nodded at him before leaving the interview room.

...

Lieutenant Murphy was up to something. Olivia knew he'd spoken with Tucker. It had been a few days since they had all been interviewed by IAB and she and Elliot had tried not to talk too much about it while they waited to hear back from them. They tried to focus on their little household with Eli and had had some restless nights. Elliot had had a few nightmares too, and had scheduled an extra appointment with his therapist. Olivia had come by the station that afternoon for a cup of coffee, a suggestion from Dr. Lindstrom in _her_ extra session, to stay in touch with everyone while they waited to hear from IAB. She was looking around the squad room, seeing a camera being set up again, and asked Fin what was going on.

"Not sure but I've seen Murphy gloat a little and he just left to change into his uniform."

Before Olivia could wonder about what the Lieutenant was up to, he came back into the squad room in his uniform. He winked at her and then walked over to the cameraman to go over some details with him. Olivia sat down on Fin's desk, sipping her coffee, to watch what the substitute head of SVU was going to do.

...

Elliot's phone rang and he picked it up quickly when he saw it was Olivia calling. He'd been making dinner with Eli, who was babbling about his day at school and made sure the stove was off before he walked out of the kitchen.

"Liv? How did it go at the station? Are you on your way home yet?"

"El, turn on the TV. There is something you'll want to see on the six o'clock news."

Elliot switched the TV from the cartoon channel to the news channel and sat down to watch, the phone pressed to his ear. After a short introduction, a reporter outside the 1-6 announced a pre-recorded official statement by Lieutenant Murphy, acting commander of the Special Victims Unit of Manhattan.

...

Olivia and the squad all watched the broadcast together on the large TV screen in the squad room and Olivia smiled at Murphy across the table, knowing what he was going to say on the news.

 _"Good evening, citizens of New York. I am making this statement today to clear something up. Now that the investigation into the death of William Lewis has been concluded and all NYPD personnel involved have been cleared for active duty, I feel I need to make this public statement to make sure there are no misunderstandings about Sergeant Olivia Benson. You have all seen Sergeant Benson confess to police brutality a while ago. Her confession was aired during a city wide manhunt to find William Lewis, who had at that time kidnapped a young girl, threatening to hurt her unless Sergeant Benson made that confession. Sergeant Benson knew William Lewis and how his mind worked better than anyone. She said what she had to, to save a young girl's life. I know for a fact that Sergeant Benson's televised confession was not true. I know because I ordered her to make the so-called confession. It was all a show at my behest. She did not commit police brutality, nor did she perjure herself. It was a gambit, a police tactic, to lure the weasel out just enough so we could get him. Sergeant Benson performed an act of extraordinary bravery. She willingly put her career and credibility on the line to help further our investigation. Subsequently, she single-handedly confronted a career sociopath who raped and tortured elderly women, little girls. He killed cops and innocent civilians. Lewis spent his entire life sadistically inflicting his power over people. Thanks to Sergeant Benson, he is where he should be. Everyone should know that she is an outstanding cop and an upstanding human being. Thanks to her, William Lewis will never hurt anyone ever again. I hope you will distribute this statement as freely as you have Sergeant Benson's, so the real story behind her fake confession will be known to all. I thank you for your time."_

...

After the broadcast, Olivia ended her call with Elliot and walked with Murphy into his office.

"You saved my shield," she told the Lieutenant.

"Wasn't me. It was the truth that set you free," Murphy answered with a smile.

When Olivia started to object, he stopped her.

"Sergeant, there are little truths, and there's the larger truth. I told the larger one."

She did understand what he meant by that and thanked him. Murphy then told her that he had been asked to stay on at SVU for a while.

"And I was hoping you'd stay on as my number two," he added.

Olivia looked at the Lieutenant in front of her, knowing that he had her back. She wasn't very eager to become the boss again now that they had all been cleared for active duty. In fact, it was a relief to know Murphy would stay a little while longer.

"I can do that," she told him.

"Good." Murphy said. "Please get a good night's rest. I'll see you bright and early."

...

 **A/N: Yes, parts of Murphy's statement are from the actual show, they were just used in a different setting. I felt that these words should be made as public as Olivia's earlier words. Agreed?**


	84. I Can't

**Announcement : if you don't see another update for a while after this one, that means I am off line for a bit.  
We have just sold our house and we are moving in August, so I will be very busy with that for several weeks. It does not mean I have forgotten about my stories, and I will come back to them as soon as I can! Meanwhile, enjoy chapter 84 of this story. It isn't very long and ****I apologize in advance for this chapter ... I know I'm evil.**

...

84.

When Olivia got home that evening, she was met at the door by Elliot, who wrapped his arms around her. She sank into his embrace, realizing that they would be able to move past the whole Lewis chapter at last. Elliot had been cleared and Olivia had heard from Murphy that the department was considering giving him and Olivia a commendation for tracking down the escaped criminal and ending his rape and murder binge. It would be a great triumph after realizing Lewis had wanted to destroy her career. She looked into Elliot's eyes when they broke apart and frowned when she saw the look in his eyes. He was relieved like her that they had been cleared, Olivia even publically, but there was something else.

"What El?" she asked him, but Elliot gestured at Eli.

They had waited for her to have dinner and Eli was looking at both adults expectantly while walking up to them.

"Dad, can we eat now?" the young boy asked, and Olivia forced a smile.

She watched Elliot during dinner. He was trying to act as if nothing was bothering him, and that probably worked for Eli, but Olivia knew him too well. They would talk about it after Eli was in bed. Meanwhile, they tried to explain to Eli why there had been a policeman on the news who had talked about her. She didn't think he understood completely but he was happy to learn that the man who had hurt Olivia would never hurt her or anyone else again. They hadn't told him that his father had shot the man. It wasn't important in his little world.

It was in Elliot's though. He'd had an extra session with Dr. Smith and she had confirmed to him that some of his earlier trauma had resurfaced. She had suggested that the fear of something irreversible happening to Olivia had enhanced the impact all the events were having on him. He had admitted to Dr. Smith then, that the 2011 shooting had also been about Olivia for him. He had been terrified that Jenna would shoot Olivia. She'd already shot Sister Peg, who had been standing right next to Olivia. And he had felt guilty ever since, that he had chosen Olivia over a child, basically a victim, _again_. It was one of the reasons he had agreed with Kathy to put a lot of distance between himself and the job, both literally and figuratively. The Gitano case had nearly destroyed him and after Jenna, he hadn't wanted to pick up a gun ever again. There was no excuse for killing children, or letting them get killed, because of his love for Olivia.

Dr. Smith had emphasized that in this case, he had saved the child involved, and had shot the perp. He knew that. His brain could understand it. But his emotions weren't listening to his brain. It scared him that he had been able to kill again so easily and he kept going over and over in his head what he would have done if Lewis had dropped the gun and surrendered. He knew for a fact that there would have been no way Tucker would have cleared him then. He probably wouldn't have shot the animal but he would have beaten him to death. The rage inside him that he had spent years trying to channel into more productive actions, was back in full force and Elliot couldn't shut it down. He had contained himself for Eli's sake and the only reason he'd been able to stay relatively calm over the past few days after the shooting, had been because they hadn't talked much about things. And because he knew Olivia was fighting her own trauma. She didn't need his on top of her own. But he didn't know how to get the rage out of his system. It was simmering beneath the surface, and he worried that he would lash out at Olivia or Eli if he didn't contain it. But the it was all-consuming sometimes in his dreams. And his fear of something happening to Olivia, made him push her away.

He was aware that she was being extra quiet and accommodating. She put Eli to bed and made them coffee. She asked if he was comfortable and sat down next to him, leaving about a foot of space between them. She was doing everything right, but it just wasn't helping.

"Elliot," she finally said quietly. "Can you talk to me now?"

He scrubbed a hand down his face and sighed. She was sitting next to him but she felt so far away. He needed to reconnect with her somehow, and get out of his own head.

"How was it to be back at the station?" he asked her, hoping some normal conversation would calm down the storm inside him.

Olivia raised an eyebrow but didn't call him out on deflecting the attention away from himself.

"It was good, actually," she told him. "Murphy is staying on for a while and has asked me to be his number two for the time being. You know, I'm actually glad that I won't be in charge, so I will have some time to find my bearings again."

She seemed very pleased with this development, but Elliot didn't believe for a minute that she was just going to bounce back that easily. And neither was he. He couldn't stay quiet any longer.

"You're going back to work? Just like that? Like nothing's happened?" he asked her harshly.

Olivia's eyes went wide at his tone but Elliot wasn't going to treat her with kid gloves right now. If he upset her, at least she'd know that he was right. They couldn't just pick up where they'd left off. Before Olivia had a chance to respond, he continued.

"We're both having nightmares and can barely get through the day without worrying Eli. You can hardly stand to be touched and you're just going back to work?"

Olivia sank back against the cushions of the couch. She clearly hadn't expected him to discourage her from going back to work. But she should see the logic of his words, shouldn't she?

"El," she said, but he didn't feel like listening to her objections.

"No," he said, standing up. "No, don't tell me you're fine. You're not. I'm not. _We're_ not!"

He took a few steps away from the couch and turned around to face her. She was looking at him with wide eyes and he thought he saw the beginning of tears. He didn't want to hurt her but he did want to get through to her.

"Just look at yourself Liv," he continued. "I raise my voice once and you're already in tears."

Olivia's eyes darkened and she stood up as well.

"That's not because you're raising your voice," she told him, trying not to speak loudly as well. "It's because you are saying _we_ are not okay. Do you really mean that?"

Her voice didn't sound as balanced as she had no doubt wanted it to. It sounded broken. And he could tell she knew it too. He couldn't have said it better himself. She was broken. They both were. And he didn't know if they would be able to help each other this time.

"I love you Olivia, you know that," he said, an exasperated tone in his voice.

That tone, and the use of her full name, didn't exactly put Olivia's mind at ease. Elliot's outburst had startled her. She knew he'd been troubled ever since the shooting, but now, a few days later, she had indeed expected them to start recovering and getting back into their rhythm. The nightmares were nothing new for her. To say she was used to them was exaggerating it a bit maybe, but she was coping. She thought Elliot was as well, but apparently he wasn't. And she had no idea what to say to him. How to help him. She needed all her strength to keep going herself, after several nights of too little sleep and days of worry and disturbing IAB interrogations.

"I love you too El, but ... what can I do to help you?"

Elliot shook his head and the defeat in his eyes struck her. It reminded her of their late night conversation on the night after Lewis' death. She couldn't accept that anything would be able to break them beyond repair. She had been so insecure after Lewis had taken her the first time. About herself, her right to take up space in the world, about the evil inside her, the beating and her lie about it. Elliot had helped her to see that it was okay to make mistakes and that it was okay to accept help from other people. From him, mostly, and he'd helped her through so much. She had worried that he would break while she still needed him so much but he had been her rock, up to the point where she felt strong and confident enough to go back to work, and to actually do a good job. He hadn't broken then but he was breaking now, just when she needed him so much again. And it terrified her. She didn't know what to do.

Elliot picked up on her despair and hung his head.

"You can't do anything Liv. I ... I can't do this with you."

Her stomach dropped. What was he saying?

"You can't do _what_ with me?" she asked, grabbing his forearms and feeling a surge of panic rise in her chest.

Elliot just shook his head and took a step back, shrugging her hands off his arms. When she opened her mouth to speak again, he held up his hands.

"No Liv. Please ... I, I just ..."

He didn't finish his sentence and walked to the door, grabbing his coat on the way out. She heard him say "I'm sorry" when he walked out of the apartment and let the door close behind him. Olivia was frozen in place momentarily. His words kept echoing in her head. _I can't do this with you. I can't do this with you._ _I can't do this with you._

When she finally snapped out of her shock and ran out the door into the hallway of the building, Elliot was nowhere to be seen. Olivia pressed a hand over her mouth and leaned against the wall for support. Her entire body was shaking. He had left. Had he left her? Was he going to _leave_ her? Had they really been broken beyond repair?

He said he couldn't do this with her.

Olivia took a shaky breath and the words she whispered bounced off the walls in the empty hallway.

"But I can't do this _without_ you."

...

 **To be continued ...**


	85. Tired

**Alright, I admit it wasn't really fair to drop that bombshell and then take off, so I decided to sneak in some writing time during my last week at work before our move. (Boss is on vacation.) I'm not saying all will be resolved in this chapter, but at least you'll know a little more about everyone's state of mind. I can still read and review via my phone but I** _ **will**_ **be signing off as a writer for a few weeks after this!**

...

85.

Olivia had gone back inside and had locked the door. She wasn't going to bolt it, of course. She hoped Elliot would come home soon. She had checked on his sleeping son. Surely, he wouldn't take off and leave his son behind? No. And this was his place. It was home. She was willing herself to stay calm. He probably just needed to blow off some steam. His words still wouldn't stop resonating in her mind though.

 _I can't do this with you._

Was he really giving up on her? On them? Were they both too broken to heal together? She wondered if Elliot was right about her going back to work. That it was too soon. She'd had one extra session with Dr. Lindstrom and she'd had coffee at the station. Was she really ready to face the scum of the earth again after everything that had happened?

Right now, she was consumed with worry for Elliot. By midnight, she was on the border of panic. He still hadn't come home and he wasn't responding to her text messages. She'd held back at first, wanting to give him space, but after two hours, she'd texted him,

' _Please let me know you're okay.'_

No answer.

She had sent a few more pleas for him to let her know where he was or if he was even coming home but they all went unanswered. She had taken a shower to try and calm herself down but it hadn't worked. She had ducked into the guest room and had crawled into bed there, keeping her phone nearby on the nightstand. Maybe Elliot wouldn't want to share his bed with her if he did come back. She was willing to give him all the space he needed, as long as he came back. She pulled the covers over her head and cried silently. He just had to come back. She couldn't do this without him.

After a while she was exhausted enough from crying that she thought she could sleep. Just then, her phone rang and she jolted upright, her heart leaping in her throat. She grabbed her phone with shaky hands and tried to read the caller ID. Maureen?

"Hello?"

"Olivia, it's Maureen. I'm calling to let you know that dad is here with us."

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief, almost dropping the phone from her shaking hand.

"How is he?" she asked, closing her eyes.

Maureen was silent for a moment and Olivia guessed Elliot was right there with his daughter.

"I'm not sure," the young woman told her after a beat. "He just wanted me to let you know he's here."

"He's not coming home?"

Olivia knew she sounded desperate but she didn't care. She _was_ desperate. She heard muffled sounds and guessed that Maureen was covering her phone to ask Elliot something.

"He's crashing here tonight," she heard Maureen say and she wanted to cry again.

She had so many questions but she knew she wasn't going to get any answers tonight. She thanked Maureen for calling her and said she hoped Elliot would come home tomorrow. She could almost hear Maureen debating in her head what to tell her father's girlfriend.

"I told him he needs to get his hand checked out tomorrow and I think you and he should talk after that."

"I want to," she said softly, almost whispering. "Tell him I won't be going to work tomorrow."

She was grateful to Maureen for the little tidbit of extra information. So Elliot had hit something and had hurt his hand. She couldn't say that surprised her, but she was worried about his state of mind. She hoped letting him know she wasn't going back to work yet, would be enough to get him to talk to her again. At least he'd know she had been listening to him.

Maureen ended the call politely and Olivia dropped back on the bed, dropping her phone next to her. At least she knew where Elliot was now. And that he'd cared enough to let her know where he was. She rolled up into a ball, pulling her knees up against her chest and hugging her legs. They would talk tomorrow. Right? They had to. She couldn't lose him now.

…

Elliot was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling of Maureen and Steven's dark guest room. His hand was killing him. Maureen was probably right. Something had to be broken in his hand for it to swell up like that. He didn't care though. He'd rather have a broken hand than the alternative. If he'd laid a hand on Olivia or Eli, he would never have been able to look himself in the eye again. All of his restraint had evaporated and he'd barely made it out of the apartment in time. There was an impressive dent in one of the elevator doors on the second floor. He had ran all the way to the gym and had just whipped off his coat before grabbing a pair of gloves and attacking the punching bag. His right hand had already hurt from hitting the elevator door but he had wanted to feel the pain. In his mind he was beating Lewis and he was seeing red. After a while, he had even thought of his father while he continued hitting the punching bag. He kept going until finally, Olivia's face appeared in his mind. She had looked terrified, and he felt like she had every reason to be afraid of him. He thought he'd dealt with a lot of his anger issues, but right now it seemed like the rage was even stronger than before. He had seen the devil. He'd looked him in the eye. The beast had wanted to take Olivia away from him forever. He'd attacked the punching bag one last time, until something had snapped in his right hand.

Olivia's text messages broke his heart but he couldn't go home like this. He needed some time to recover from the enormous outburst of anger. Maureen's had been the only place he could think of to go. After taking a shower there, his daughter had let him hold little Josey. Watching his granddaughter had calmed him down at last. The little girl had given him her most beautiful smile and he couldn't help smiling at the memory. He was grateful that this child was waking up at all hours at the moment so he could hold her in the middle of the night. Holding the epitome of innocence in his arms, helped him to remember why he'd become a cop in the first place. To serve and protect. Not to hurt and kill. And if he had to kill, it was all to serve and protect. If he had hurt someone, it had usually been to protect someone else. And once perps weren't a danger to others anymore, he'd even fought for their lives, like that time he had given CPR to a suspect after tackling him in the streets. He had never gunned anyone down without provocation. The desire to hurt and kill Lewis had been there, but he hadn't done it until there was no other choice left.

Still, he knew he was tired of it. Of that constant battle to try and protect the ones he loved. To protect Olivia, who kept putting her life on the line for other people. She just couldn't help herself but she didn't know what it did to him. He scrubbed his good hand down his face, feeling a few tears in the corners of his eyes. He was so tired of it. He couldn't go on like this. He didn't like what he would become if he did.

…

For Eli's sake, Olivia had gone through the motions the next morning. She had told the young boy that his father had to leave early for work and that she was taking him to school. She'd called Murphy to let him know she wouldn't be coming in after all, that she needed some more time to deal with everything that had happened. The Lieutenant told her it was absolutely fine, and that her spot would be waiting for her as soon as she was ready to come back. After taking Eli to school, Olivia went to Dr. Lindstrom's office, hoping he'd have an opening. After waiting for about 45 minutes, her therapist walked into the waiting area to greet her.

"I only have half an hour, Olivia, but you can schedule another appointment with my assistant."

"It's fine," she answered, standing up to follow him. "I'm just glad you can squeeze me in today."

Olivia blurted everything out immediately after they had both sat down. About how shooting Lewis was affecting Elliot, how he didn't want her to go back to work yet and how he'd stormed off the night before.

"How is this affecting you?" Dr. Lindstrom asked, bringing the conversation back to her like he always did.

Olivia pursed her lips and shook her head.

"I can't lose him now," she said softly. "We've been through so much together. Maybe it's too much … and he just can't do it anymore."

"Do what, exactly?"

"Be my rock. Fight for us. For me."

Her voice broke on the last word and she grabbed a tissue from the box that was always sitting on the coffee table in the office of her therapist.

"Do you think you are a burden to Elliot?"

 _Yes._

"I … I don't know."

Dr. Lindstrom raised an eyebrow and kept looking at her. She sighed.

"I just want him to be happy."

"Do you think he would be happier without you than with you?"

She wiped her eyes while she let the question sink in. She knew Elliot loved her and that he had come back to New York for her. Would he be happier without her after making that decision? She just couldn't envision her life without him in it. She didn't want to.

"I don't want him to be."

"Aha."

Dr. Lindstrom seemed to be very pleased with her answer for some reason.

"What?" she asked, wiping her nose and trying to keep fresh tears at bay for the moment.

"You just told me what _you_ want."

He almost sounded triumphant and she couldn't help smiling a little.

"So what are you willing to do to get what you want?"

It was an important question and a big one. And yet, she didn't have to think very long about her answer.

"Whatever it takes. Whatever he needs."

...

Maureen had insisted on going to the hospital with him. He hadn't told her what had triggered his violent outburst the night before, but she'd guessed that it had to do with Lewis. Elliot wondered when they would ever not need to mention that name again. He was dead, only he wasn't. He would live on for as long as they would struggle with the aftermath of his assaults on Olivia. It was 'assaults' now, plural, and that thought alone made his anger flare up again.

"Are you going to talk to Olivia today?" his daughter asked him while they walked to the X-ray room to have an X-ray made of his hand.

When he didn't answer her right away, Maureen added,

"I think you scared her yesterday. I'm sure that wasn't your intention."

Elliot shook his head.

"No. No, it wasn't."

He never wanted to scare Olivia. She had enough on her plate without him acting up around her.

"I just …." he sighed, but then continued, needing to give words to what he was feeling. "I just feel so powerless sometimes. Like no matter how hard I try, the people I love get hurt anyway."

Maureen put a hand on his back when they stopped just outside the X-ray room.

"Dad. You can't save the world single-handedly. You do what you can."

"But what if that isn't enough?"

Maureen rubbed his back to comfort him, and he didn't realize he had tears in his eyes until they started blurring his vision.

"You're not Superman, dad. You can't do this to yourself. You'll just end up disappointed in yourself, and then you'll be no good to anyone anymore."

He knew she was right. Rationally, he knew. When did his little girl grow up to become such a wise young woman anyway? He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He should be getting into that room to have Maureen's suspicions confirmed about his hand.

"You know … I just wish," he started, but then stopped, not wanting to talk about Olivia behind her back.

"Tell me dad," Maureen said, and it suddenly struck him how much her kind blue eyes looked like Kathy's. Maureen was a grown woman and he decided that he could confide in her like an adult.

"I just wish Olivia wouldn't put herself in so much danger anymore."

Maureen nodded, and he could tell she really understood what he meant.

"Well dad, then I suppose that is what you should be talking about with her."

…

 **A/N: Your speculations about how this will or should continue are much appreciated! Remember, we are nearing the end of this story. I'll be back as soon as possible.**


	86. I've got you

**I'm back! Our move was successful and as of today, we have internet at our new home. To celebrate, I am uploading the chapter that I managed to write in between packing and unpacking.**  
 **Underlined print is from the actual show as always. I am using an existing episode but time is flexible in my story. Enjoy!**

...

86.

Olivia had left Dr. Lindstrom's office with a new resolve. Elliot had been taking care of her long enough. It was time she started taking care of him, too. She knew she wasn't out of the woods herself, but she didn't have to put her full weight on Elliot's shoulders anymore. He needed her support now, and she was going to give it to him. She would never stop fighting for them. For him.

Maureen had sent her a quick text, letting her know she had taken her father to the hospital to get his hand checked out. They would be a while. Olivia checked the time. If she hurried she would be able to make it in time for the latest hearing in family court regarding Baby boy Doe. She found a seat in the small court room just in time to hear Pippa Cox tell the judge,

"Baby boy Doe's foster mother has filed for a legal separation. And due to the foster father's relapse, social services is recommending that he go back to an ACS Facility to await another placement."

Like Olivia, Judge Linden was saddened by this development, and sighed,

"This is Baby boy Doe's fourth home in four months. Can't we do better?"

"Absolutely, your honor," Pippa assured her. "None of this has been by design. It's our hope that going forward, we will get it right."

Olivia couldn't believe how poorly this little boy was being treated despite everyone's good intentions. The judge made her ruling, giving Pippa a pointed look when she finished.

"For now, Baby boy Doe shall return to his prior ACS Facility while you work to get it right."

The court moved on to the next case and Olivia hurried after Pippa. She really wanted to see for herself that the child was alright.

"Excuse me, Pippa."

Pippa grabbed all her things and then turned to face her.

"Oh, Sergeant. You gonna yell at me, too?"

"No, ehm ... Actually, I was gonna ask you if I could visit the baby."

If Pippa was surprised, she wasn't showing it.

"It's fine with me," she said, and then pointed at a lady in pink who was about to leave the room. "You remember Chantal from social services?"

Chantal turned around when she heard her name, and looked at Olivia, asking her,

"What's your interest, Sergeant?"

While they walked out of the courthouse, Olivia explained to Chantal that she and her team had found Baby boy Doe. Chantal was aware of that. She then explained that she'd kept track of him while they were still trying to find his mother.

"I would just like to see him and sit with him for a while. Let him know that there really are people who care about him."

Chantal seemed to doubt that the child would even be aware of her but agreed to let her sit with him for a while at the ACS facility. Olivia checked the time again, and her phone. No new messages from Maureen or Elliot. She did want to be home before Elliot got there, but the urge to reach out to this baby was so strong, that she spent about an hour at the facility. She had waited twenty minutes before he was brought to her, so she'd only really spent a little over half an hour with him. He was bright, with big eyes that were taking in everything around him. He responded to her voice and started making gurgling sounds when she sang him a little song. She was sitting in a rocking chair by a window, and held the baby close to her, her cheek resting against his soft forehead while she sang to him. When he started squirming a little she moved him so he was sitting in her lap, his little back against her chest. She was rewarded with a big smile while his chubby little hands reached up to try and grab her hair. Olivia had to swallow a lump in her throat. How could a mother not miss such a beautiful child? She kissed his cheek softly and chuckled when he managed to grab a lock of her hair at last and held on tight. The baby gurgled back at her and she closed her eyes for a few moments. This moment was so perfect. She had wanted a baby for as long as she could remember, and she knew her biological clock was ticking, if time hadn't run out already. After her session with Dr. Lindstrom, she knew she had a few choices to make. What if ... what if ...?

...

A boxer's fracture. That's what the doctor called the injury, although he thought it necessary to add that boxers are unlikely to get this kind of fracture, because they know how to hit without hurting themselves. Elliot had rolled his eyes at Maureen at that remark and Maureen had suppressed a smile. He told the doctor that he was usually more careful but that he'd been a little upset.

"A little? In that case, I'd rather not run into you when you're really pissed off," the doctor had joked.

Elliot didn't think it was funny. He groaned when the doctor announced he'd need a splint to immobilize his hand, telling him that he was lucky that his skin hadn't cracked as well as his fourth metacarpal bone, so there was no risk of an infection. He would have to wear the splint for at least four weeks. Elliot zoned out after that, counting on Maureen to catch all the important details for him. Four weeks? What had he done? And more importantly, could that happen again? In all his years in law enforcement, he'd never broken his hand, while he'd hit plenty of people as well as inanimate objects. Despite countless sessions of therapy and anger management exercises, his rage seemed to have reached a new peak when it should have diminished considerably by now.

"... and try to avoid situations that trigger the need for this kind of outlet."

Elliot let out a deep sigh when he caught the tail of the doctor's speech. Try to avoid situations ... it wasn't him that had to avoid those situations. It was Olivia. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He felt his daughter's hand on his knee.

"Dad?"

He looked at her, not hiding his sadness at the situation.

"Yeah baby," he said softly, nodding. "I know. I have to talk to her."

After another 45 minutes to get a splint fitted and receive instructions on how to take care of his hand, Elliot went home with a heavy heart. He knew that the Special Victims Unit was Olivia's life. And he knew that even when she'd be in charge, she'd still be out there a lot. She wasn't one to stay in the office while the other detectives were doing all the footwork. He wondered if she would ever have considered the promotion if he was still her partner on the job. It was a little presumptuous maybe, but they had been such a perfect team, that he couldn't see her give that up for a desk job. _He_ was the one who had given up their partnership because he refused to be warped into some kind of killing machine. His demons had followed him anyway and he had killed again to save Olivia. He couldn't live like this. He had broken his own hand this time, but what if next time he'd hit somebody else too hard? Or God forbid, he'd hit Olivia?

He shook his head when Maureen's car came to a stop in front of his building. He had never hit a woman in his life. That would never happen. He'd rather kill himself than to hit her.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah."

"Just be honest with her. I'm sure she'll understand."

Elliot wasn't so sure and he walked from the elevator to their front door slowly. He tried to get his keys from his right pocket with his left hand but before he could get them, the door swung open. His blue eyes locked with her browns, and he saw the turmoil and sadness he was feeling reflected in her eyes. Her right hand reached for his left hand and he let her take it and pull him inside so she could close the door behind him. They were standing toe to toe, just looking at each other. He had thought that she'd maybe be angry that he had stormed out the way he had. Or maybe, since they weren't just dealing with everything through anger anymore, that she'd be crying and upset. He had not expected this. She was still holding his hand and probing his eyes with hers, trying to understand him. Trying to read him, so she'd know what she was dealing with. It made him feel accepted. There was no reproach at all, just a genuine attempt to understand. And it broke down any walls he may still have tried to keep up. He let out a ragged breath and hung his head, his forehead almost touching her nose. She lifted her head and kissed his forehead, and it was his undoing.

The first sob came from a very deep place, and he dropped his head to her shoulder when the second sob followed, making his shoulders shake. He felt her arms around his waist then and he leaned into her, finally allowing his tears to fall. Olivia was standing strong, not buckling under the weight of his body, and caressed his back while he cried.

"It's alright, El," he heard her whisper. "I've got you. I've got you."

The tables had turned. After being her rock for a whole year, it was her turn to be his rock. And she was ready. He was worth everything to her. He already was everything she needed, and she wanted to be exactly what he needed as well. She cried a few tears as well while her big man cried on her shoulder and they stood like that for what seemed like an hour. When Elliot finally seemed to calm down a little, she tried to look at him but he hid his face in her hair. His left arm was around her waist and he nuzzled his nose in her hair.

"I love you so much," he whispered, and she knew those words had never meant more than they did right now.

Olivia moved her left hand to his arm and traced it until she reached the splint, that started halfway his forearm. Elliot finally created a little distance between them, so they could both look at his splint.

"Tell me what happened last night," Olivia said softly.

Elliot nodded and she led him to the couch. When they sat down, Elliot looked around.

"Eli," he said.

"Taken care of," Olivia replied simply, and he believed her. "Now talk to me El. So I can understand what you're going through."

...

Olivia was lying on her back in bed. Elliot was on his side next to her, pressed up against her body with his right arm slung over her abdomen and his head resting on her shoulder. Her right arm was wrapped around his shoulders. It was the closest they had slept since their final run-in with Lewis. After their intense conversation of that afternoon, they had needed to feel as close as possible. Olivia wasn't ready for sex yet, but that wasn't what they had both needed anyway. They just needed to be close. To feel each other and breathe together.

She was glad that Elliot had finally fallen asleep. His emotional outburst had drained him but it had been necessary. She hadn't realized how heavily it weighed on him to know that she might get hurt every single day. Or worse, get killed. But when he'd asked her to imagine their roles being reversed, she had begun to understand. Just the thought of not having Elliot in her life was enough to cause an anxiety attack. It had taken a while for her to understand that it wasn't very different for Elliot at all. He hadn't been assaulted like she had, but he _was_ traumatized. To see the proof of the depth of his love for her, was almost unbelievable. To see, while she had never really felt worthy of anyone's love, that the one person who knew her better than anyone, would rather die than to have anything ever happen to her again. She felt that way about him and now she could see that he felt the same for her. _My life would be over without you_ , he'd said, and he had started crying again.

They had talked about the job. About how they had always had each others' backs. About how different it was, not working side by side every day anymore. About how they both had more to live for now than just the job. Much more. And when the moment presented itself, she had told Elliot about Baby boy Doe. Again. About how she'd visited him today and how she still longed to have a child to call her own. He had comforted her then, and she had cried silently, mourning her life-long dream because there was very little chance now of her becoming a mother at her age. Elliot had asked her then, if she would still want to adopt a baby if she could. Her life was very different from the time when the adoption agency had turned her down. She had a support system around her now, like Kathleen who had picked Eli up from school again. And him. And she'd told him that yes, she would still want to adopt a baby if she could.

Olivia looked at his face, which was finally relaxed now. She had never seen him cry like he had tonight. He hadn't asked her to reconsider her job, and she loved him for it, but she knew that it was all boiling down to that. She had some decisions to make. She had to choose, not what was important in her life, or even what was very important, but what was _most_ important. She kissed Elliot's forehead and looked at his sleeping face again. And suddenly, that choice wasn't difficult at all.

...

 **A/N No, I wasn't crying. Why would you say that? ;)**  
 **Reviews make me happy and make me write faster!**


	87. Miss you

**Dear readers, there is something I must share with you before this chapter:**

 **I have recently read the SVU fanfiction story "Atlantis" by Lyricara and I am flabbergasted. It has left me humbled and to be honest, quite insecure about my own writing. It is an extremely deep and emotional story and the writer has captured the characters better than the original show writers ever could have themselves. She has even brought Bernadette Stabler to life in a very believable and gripping way.**

 **I have decided that Atlantis is what really happened to our beloved squad. Anyone who has watched the first eleven seasons of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit MUST read this story. Converted to a Word document it is 503 pages long, including the epilogue, and you will want to start reading it again as soon as you finish it. It is well worth any E/O fan's time.**

 **The show that is on TV now, is a brave attempt at a remake / sequel to the original series. It is not the same show, it is just a show dealing with similar issues. Although I must admit that the actress cast as Olivia Benson bears a striking resemblance to our beautiful Liv. ;) For that reason alone, it might be fun to watch. Just don't expect it to have actual ties to the original show.**

 **If you need a link to the story, feel free to contact me via PM. I'm forever grateful to Clingy_Bernie (melonian4life) on Twitter for tweeting about this story just when I was on line. I cannot live without this story now.**

 **Having said all that, I will continue my own attempt at righting the wrongs we've seen on TV in this story in seasons 13 through 15 to the best of my abilities. On to the next chapter now!**

...

87.

Olivia had agreed to take two weeks leave and it gave Elliot some time to breathe and come to terms with how his own issues had resurfaced. He was relieved at how understanding she had been when he'd poured out his heart to her. She had listened without arguing with his reasoning and though he hadn't intended to dump his own troubles on her while she had enough to deal with herself, he felt like they had become even closer than before. They still had restless nights, but waking up together and having someone there who knew what it was like to wake up in a cold sweat, was immensely comforting. It was almost as if it was easier for Olivia now to breathe after a nightmare, because he was having them too. If that's what it took to be a better partner and friend to her, it was all worth it. If she could deal with the horrors she had experienced and was reliving from time to time, then he could deal with his nightmares about losing her or his kids, as long as she was there when he woke up.

He'd spoken with his therapist and she had suggested they come in for a few sessions together. Dr. Smith would be very happy to give them some pointers how to deal with each others' issues now that they were both so raw and Elliot was trying to muster up the courage to bring it up with Olivia.

She had had a few bad nights and he felt that she was restless in general, even when they were out with Eli. Something was weighing on her that she wasn't talking about and she was on her computer a lot. He wondered if it had to do with that baby they'd found, and that she had been preoccupied with. He could tell that Olivia was making an effort to try to relax and live in the moment despite her restlessness, and just enjoy their time off. His broken hand kept him at home for a while and he'd spoken with his Captain, who had agreed that Elliot needed time, not only to heal physically but also to deal with what had happened at the granary. He realized that he hadn't really been of much use to Missing Persons yet, with all the time off he was taking and he was lucky to have such an understanding Captain as his superior officer.

Eli was the best distraction they could have wished for, but when Kathy called to ask if she and Peter could have him for a long weekend and had come to pick him up, it became very quiet in the apartment. They used the opportunity to go out to dinner together, reminding each other that they should do fun things together, and Elliot secretly hoped that Olivia and he would get closer physically again. There was no denying it. While he was grateful for each day with her after she had looked death in the eye, his body missed hers. But he also wanted to talk to her about Dr. Smith's suggestion to come to his next session with him. Right now, he wasn't sure how Olivia would react to that. Maybe she'd prefer going to her own therapist together but he felt really comfortable with the older woman and wasn't sure he'd be up to telling his story all over again to Lindstrom.

He shook his head, getting tired from his own thoughts. It would be the same for Olivia with his therapist. Olivia looked at him across the small table they were seated at in the Italian restaurant they'd had dinner once before.

"What is it El?" she asked, putting her hand over the fingers of his broken hand on the table. "You miss Eli already?"

Elliot smiled at the thought of his son but then told Olivia that he did miss his boy, but that wasn't what he'd been thinking about. She looked at him patiently and his chest constricted when he realized once again how much he loved her and how far they'd come already. There was no turning back now. They were going to get through this. They had to.

"Tell me El," Olivia urged him.

He wanted to make a deal with her, to get her to talk to him too about what she was mulling over, but decided against it. She'd tell him when she was ready. So he told her what was on his mind without expecting anything except an honest answer.

"I've seen my therapist again."

"I know El. You feel safe with her, right?"

He nodded.

"I'm glad."

Elliot scrubbed his left hand over his mouth and leaned back in his chair. He could practically hear Olivia thinking 'uh oh' and tried to smile at her despite his nerves.

"What El?" Olivia said again, sounding a little worried now.

"Dr. Smith suggested that ehm ... that you come with me to my next session in a few days."

There. He'd said it. He braced himself for her reaction but didn't look away.

"Oh ..." Olivia said, leaning back in her seat as well.

"I understand if you don't want to Liv," Elliot said quickly. "I mean, it was hard enough to tell your story to Lindstrom and I know he's been very helpful to you so ... well, I just think she has a point but if it's not what you need right now that's okay too ..."

He was babbling and Olivia leaned forward to place her hand over his again. She got it. She really did. His anger had resurfaced because of her and she was dealing with a lot as well. It only made sense that his therapist would want to see them together.

"Elliot," she said, interrupting him. "It's okay. I'll go with you."

Surprise was written all over his face when he registered her answer and she thought it was not a good thing that he hadn't expected her to agree.

"I'll do whatever it takes to help you El. Don't you know that?" she asked him softly, looking down at their hands on the table. His cast was glaring at her, a constant reminder of how serious his problem was. And she was the cause of it, or at least a big part of it.

Elliot was at a loss for words and it made her sad. She looked up at him and forced a smile.

"I love you El," she said softly. "So much. I'll do anything ..."

Her own words echoed in her mind, reminding her of another time she'd spoken them.

 _I wanna live. I'll do anything! I'll do anything! Anything ..._

She shook off the disturbing mini-flashback before it could suck her into the fear of that moment. Elliot's good hand covered her hand over his cast now, and the warmth drew her back to him and to the present. There was gratitude in his eyes.

"Thank you Liv," he said with a trembling voice.

"Don't thank me El. It's not a sacrifice to make if it helps you heal. I know I'm a handful."

That put a small smile on both their faces and she saw a little twinkle appear in Elliot's eyes.

"Yeah, and now that I've only got one hand, you're walking all over me."

Olivia chuckled.

"You wouldn't have it any other way and you know it."

They relaxed and the playful banter back and forth continued a little while longer, until they both sat back with a wide smile on their faces. It was good to be out together like this and when their eyes locked, they held each others' gaze for a few beats.

"You wanna head on home?" Elliot asked, hoping not to sound too suggestive.

"Yeah," Olivia sighed, giving him a very suggestive smile and raising one eyebrow.

"You _are_ walking all over me, you evil woman," Elliot said with a smirk while standing up.

"You make it too easy, old man," she quipped back, and when they left the restaurant arm in arm, they were still laughing.

...

Olivia had spent quite a few hours on her computer, getting acquainted will all the organizations that dealt with victims of abuse. She never knew there were so many in the New York area alone. She hadn't told Elliot yet that she was seriously considering quitting SVU and even the NYPD. Her relationship with Elliot was worth too much to her and when she had thought that he might be giving up, that night when he'd walked out on her, it had freaked her out completely. If he couldn't find the energy to fight for them right now, she would have to do it for both of them. She was finding that there were more ways to fight for survivors of abuse than just trying to nail the people who'd hurt them. There was so much to do in the aftermath, as she was experiencing first hand now. There were a lot of ways to help the survivors that didn't require standing in the line of fire and risking her life. She'd done that for too long and the stakes were too high now to continue on this path. If it didn't literally kill them, in would kill them inside eventually.

While they walked home, she wondered if she should tell Elliot what she'd been doing this past week. She hadn't discussed it with him yet because she wasn't entirely sure yet what she wanted, and she wanted to run it by her therapist first. Elliot had relaxed more now that she was home for two weeks, but she knew he still worried about what would happen once she went back to work. Just when she took a breath to broach the subject, she felt Elliot's hand move down her back to cup her ass. Her body responded immediately to his touch and when Elliot leaned in to whisper something in her ear, all her previous thoughts were forgotten for the moment.

"I miss you Liv."

His lips brushed her ear and goosebumps broke out in her neck. They stopped walking and when they turned to face each other, Elliot put his left hand on her cheek and kissed her softly.

"I miss you too," Olivia admitted and he kissed her again, with a little more urgency.

"How about a nightcap?" Elliot joked, and Olivia realized they were already at their building.

She pretended to be thinking about his suggestion and Elliot squeezed her ass to help her make up her mind.

"I guess I could come up for a drink," she answered, and they both laughed then.

They hurried inside and upstairs, and as soon as the door to the appartment closed behind them, Elliot's lips were on Olivia's again. She felt a rush of panic course through her body when Elliot pushed her up against the door, trapping her between the door and his firm body, and she broke off the kiss to look at him. _It's Elliot_ , she told herself. _Relax. You're safe_.

Elliot saw in her eyes that she was struggling and started pulling back and apologizing.

"God Liv, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ..."

But Olivia cut him off by placing a finger over his lips. She pulled him back against her body. This was part of her fight, and she was determined to come out the victor.

"It's okay El. Just... just don't rush me and we'll be fine. I ... I want this."

Elliot leaned his forehead against hers.

"Are you sure?" he asked her softly.

His heart was hammering in his chest and want, anger and concern were battling inside him for dominance. He hated how Olivia had become afraid again and he hated himself for losing control with her sometimes. But he wanted her so badly. It had been weeks and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to hold back if she broke things off after all. He would have to trust her, that she meant it when she confirmed that she was sure.

"Come on," Olivia said, tugging his arm. "Let's do this right."

She led him to their bedroom and closed the door behind them. Elliot stood at the foot of the bed, not sure what he was supposed to do now. Olivia approached him and started undoing his shirt slowly.

"First we get rid of all the access baggage," she explained, and Elliot thought he could do that.

They took their time undressing each other slowly. Olivia started placing kisses on his skin as it was exposed to her and Elliot followed her lead. He whispered reassuring things to her, making sure she stayed with him in the present. When they were both down to their underwear, Olivia kneeled in front of him to tug his boxer shorts down. She smiled up at him when his rock-hard erection came into view.

"Told you I miss you," Elliot said, his voice betraying the high level of his arousal.

His breath hitched when Olivia wrapped a hand around his member and moved it up and down his shaft a few times. Seeing her on her knees in front of him, her full breasts almost spilling out of her silk bra, he wondered if he'd be able to hold back if she kept this up.

"Liv," he warned her and he wasn't sure he was relieved or disappointed when she let go of him promptly and stood up.

His eyes roved her body and he reached behind her with his good hand to try and unclasp her bra. He couldn't do it with one hand though, and Olivia's lips on the sensitive skin of his neck weren't exactly helping either. He groaned in frustration and Olivia chuckled.

"A little help here," he gruffed and he stepped back when Olivia reached behind her for him, watching her take off her bra slowly and tossing it to the floor. He could tell she was nervous but aroused nonetheless.

"God, you're beautiful," he sighed.

His left hand was on her right breast then and he ducked down to put his mouth over her left nipple. Olivia moaned and ran one hand over his head while grasping his shoulder with her other hand. He turned them around until Olivia had her back to the bed, and he lowered her onto the bed gently then. She sat down and placed her hands behind her, palms down on the bed. It was Elliot's turn to kneel and he tugged her panties down her long legs slowly, barely managing with the fingers of his broken hand. When Olivia was finally completely naked, he moved forward between her knees and kissed her abdomen. She had learned not to object anymore when he kissed her scarred skin. He wasn't kissing someone else's handiwork, he was kissing _her_.

"I love you," he whispered against the skin of her stomach and Olivia placed her hands on his cheeks to bring his face up to hers.

"Make love to me, El," she told him, kissing him while pulling him up and on top of her.

They rolled over on the bed until they were lying in the middle and Elliot found his home between his partner's legs. He had wanted to go slow and have a longer foreplay for her, but Olivia seemed to be ready for him already. He kissed her deeply, leaning on his elbows so his hand wouldn't bother him, and Olivia tilted her hips and pushed them up to meet his. Elliot broke off the kiss and looked into her big brown eyes, asking her without words if she was ready for him. She told him she was through her eyes and he raised his hips to find the right angle. When he pushed forward slowly, easing into her body, he kept looking at her face. Olivia's lips parted and she sighed, grabbing his hips with both hands and spreading her legs wider for him. He went deeper and she let out a long, low moan, encouraging him to continue.

It had been so long. Too long. She wanted him inside her now, completely. She didn't want to be afraid, to feel trapped. This was Elliot. They'd moved past this already, hadn't they? She forced the memories of the feeling of Lewis moving between her legs out of her head. Lewis was dead and he hadn't gone all the way in the end. She wasn't tied up. She was free to say stop and Elliot would stop. She knew this and she kept her eyes fixed on his beautiful face. He loved her. He was making love to her. She wanted him to and she pulled him closer to her, deeper into her. Her body responded to his, and when she relaxed her legs, opening them wider for him, she began to feel the pleasure inside her start to build. This was what she wanted. What she needed. And what Elliot needed. She moaned and Elliot responded by lifting his hips, pulling out partly and pushing back in.

"Yes," she said automatically.

A yes from Olivia was infinitely better than the absence of a 'no' and Elliot closed his eyes. She was alright. She was saying yes. He started moving, finding a rhythm, and Olivia's yesses kept coming. Her arms were around his torso now, and she was pulling herself up off the mattress slightly to meet his movements. His mouth was on her neck and her lips and teeth were on his. She was meeting his thrusts eagerly and he picked up the pace, moving faster and a little harder.

"Oh yes!" Olivia exclaimed and he knew he couldn't slow down now.

The feeling of her body wrapped tightly around his was too powerful and he just had to continue pounding into her. There was no other way to do this right now. His need for her, and his need to come deep inside her, was too great. Olivia's feet were planted firmly on the mattress and she was matching his thrusts easily, panting and moaning his name, and continuing to say yes each time.

She knew Elliot needed to hear her say yes, but after a few times she didn't even think about it anymore. The yesses kept coming automatically because it felt so right. She was completely focused on Elliot, all the disturbing memories forgotten for now, and felt the pleasure build deep inside her body. She could feel Elliot moving inside her and growing even harder and she closed her eyes at last. She was safe. She was his. And she was going to come, very soon.

"El!" she warned him, and he answered with "Yeah baby."

"Oh!"

"Liv ..."

"Yes!"

"Me too."

"Don't stop."

The room was filled with groans and moans and the sound of their bed shaking while they hurled towards their climax together. Just when Elliot couldn't hold back any longer, he felt Olivia's body contract around him. She gasped and moaned "Ohgod, ohgod," and Elliot let go as well. He started spilling his seed deep inside her with a low groan and Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around him, bringing her shoulders up to his while they both shuddered in ecstasy. She bit down on his neck and it intensified the waves of pleasure that coursed through his body. He kept thrusting until he felt her body finally relax underneath him. When they both stilled, Olivia dropped her head back on the mattress, at a loss for words. Elliot lowered his head to kiss the tops of her breasts and then pulled out gently to roll to the side, his right arm underneath Olivia's neck and his left hand drifting to her abdomen. Olivia turned on her side as well so she could kiss him gently.

"You're amazing," she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed.

"That's my line," Elliot replied, making her smile against his lips.

They lay together in silence for a few minutes, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking. They were going to be okay, Elliot thought. They were going to be okay. He wondered if Olivia was falling asleep, but then their bliss was interrupted by the shrill sound of Olivia's phone ringing. who could be calling her at this hour? He hoped it wasn't work. She was still on leave. Why would they call her from work?

Olivia untangled herself from him and rolled onto her stomach at the foot of the bed, so she could reach the pile of clothes where her phone should be somewhere. She answered it just in time and Elliot listened to her side of the conversation.

"Oh? What is it. ... A familial match to whom?"

She was silent then, glancing at him and then at some point in the distance while listening to the person on the line. She swallowed hard and then told the caller,

"Alright. I'll talk to her. ... Yes. ... Okay. ... See you there."

She dropped the phone and rolled back towards him, until they were face to face again.

"Work?" Elliot asked, his voice tense.

Olivia couldn't hide the guilt in her eyes when she nodded.

"I'm sorry. They wouldn't have called unless they really needed me."

Elliot closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. His stomach was in knots instantly.

"Why do they need you?" he managed to ask.

"You remember that baby I told you about?"

Elliot nodded and opened his eyes to look at her.

"Well, they just found his mother. A working girl. They want me to talk to her, get her to rat out the people she works for. It appears to be a ring of sex traffickers exploiting under aged girls."

"Why you?"

He knew he'd sounded harsh but he couldn't understand why the unit couldn't handle this case without Olivia.

"They want to use the baby as leverage and they think I would be able to get her to talk."

...

 **Dun dun.**

 **Please review.**


	88. Noah

**I actually got more requests for the link to "Atlantis" than I got reviews for the previous chapter. Ah well, good to know you all read my notes as well as the story! Here is another chapter. I'm on a roll again. I've used actual lines from the show a little creatively here. They're underlined as usual when spoken by the original character. I don't own the lines or anything of the show, NBC and Dick Wolf do.**

...

88.

Elliot's jaw was set but he wasn't going to stop her. He couldn't. It was Olivia's choice to go to the station to talk to the prostitute. He knew she was eager to meet Baby boy Doe's mother, whom she'd been searching for for months. She had a lot of questions for her, like why she had given up the child, and if she even knew where he'd ended up. She was also worried that the mother might want him back, but wouldn't be able to give him the care he'd need. Not going in to talk to this woman wasn't an option. Elliot tried to understand and he kept telling himself she wasn't going to get hurt, talking to someone at the station. She wouldn't be out in the street. It wasn't dangerous. Still, it wasn't easy for him to let her leave, especially this late at night. So in stead of arguing with her about it, he offered to go with her.

Olivia hesitated, wondering if it would be wise to bring Elliot. She had to admit though, that she was a little jittery about going in to work. The decision to leave the unit was still forming in her mind, and she hadn't talked to Murphy about it at all. Everyone just assumed she'd be back after another week. Everyone, including Elliot. She really should tell him and she made a mental note to talk to him as soon as she'd spoken with the baby's mother. She'd finally know the baby's name, too, and she felt a twinge of something in her gut. Was it relief that the mother had been found, or was it something else? She took a deep breath and looked at Elliot, who had put some clothes on as well.

"Okay," she acquiesced. "You can drive."

One corner of her mouth tugged up and she hoped Elliot would relax a bit now that he would be there to see what she was up to. Elliot just nodded and grabbed his keys. They left the apartment in silence and Olivia wondered what this unexpected turn of events would bring them.

...

Noah.

His name was Noah. It suited him, Olivia thought and from the moment she learned his name, she called him Noah in her mind. No more Baby boy Doe. He had a name. An identity. And a mother who was a drug addict and a prostitute.

Ellie Porter was shaking. She was showing signs of withdrawal and Olivia had very mixed feelings about the woman. Well, the girl actually. She hadn't taken very good care of herself but she could see that Ellie was just in her early twenties. A girl. Olivia could easily have been her mother.

"You want to be my mommy? Lady detectives love saving girls like me. But I like my life just the way it is!" Ellie had spat at her.

None other than Trevor Langan had been assigned as Ellie's lawyer, and he had also been trying to get Ellie to cooperate. He knew Olivia was about to pull out her secret weapon, and since Ellie had been pimped out when she was only sixteen, making her a victim of statutory rape, she could get a good plea deal if she cooperated with the police to get to her pimp and his accomplices.

Right now, Ellie was amazed that her son was alive. She'd been told that her son had died while she had been in hospital after an overdose around Christmas. She was still unwilling to say anything against her pimp Lil' Tino, until Olivia made it clear to her that he had been the one to give her child away to a couple of pornographers.

"What?" Ellie said, totally shocked.

Olivia explained, glancing at Langan,

"I found Noah, when I arrested a couple who also had three underage kids that they were using for child rape videos."

"A couple? Oh my God," Ellie said. "A long-haired guy, heavy, in a wheelchair?"

"What, you know him?" Langan asked, somewhat surprised.

"He did business with Tino," Ellie told them. "Sold him a girl once, Asian. She was like ten," she added with a disgusted frown.

"Ellie. You think you'd be willing to testify to that?" Olivia asked.

...

Elliot was watching the exchange from behind the window, and Lieutenant Murphy stood next to him.

"She's good at this," the man remarked and Elliot looked at him.

"I know."

"But you don't want her to be here."

It wasn't a question, and Elliot looked at the Lieutenant more attentively.

"You've been on high alert ever since you two walked in here," Murphy explained, "scoping out the place for possible dangers lurking around every corner."

Elliot scoffed and looked at Olivia behind the glass again. She and Langan were convincing the girl that she needed to give up her pimp, who had lied to her about her son and had given him away to pornographers, or she might not see little Noah for a long time.

"I know you've had it rough, Stabler. I pulled your file after you first asked me to join the unit temporarily."

Elliot bit his lip, but kept his eyes on Olivia's back, his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets.

"I get that you walked away," Murphy continued. "You want her to walk away too?"

Elliot looked at the man next to him again and shrugged before looking back at the people in the interrogation room.

"It's not for me to decide."

Murphy grinned then.

"That woman's got a mind of her own."

The remark finally elicited a smile from Elliot.

"Don't I know it."

Their little conversation was interrupted when there was movement in the interrogation room and Olivia stood up and walked out.

"She's given us the location of the day care facility. He's got under aged working girls there too and there should be cash, weapons and drugs in the house. We should be able to catch Lil' Tino in the act if we move now," Olivia announced, clearly ready to head out immediately.

" _We_ are not moving now, Benson," Murphy told her, gesturing between her and himself, his tone leaving no room for arguments. "You two are either going home or staying here. Give Rollins the details we need."

Olivia opened her mouth to speak but Murphy held up his hand, effectively silencing her.

"I thank you for coming in and talking to Ellie and I will definitely keep you posted, but you are not coming out with us. We've got this."

Murphy avoided looking at Elliot but Elliot was infinitely grateful right now that Olivia's superior officer was ordering her to stay inside. Olivia did look at him though, and when their eyes met, he saw hers soften. Elliot stepped closer to her and held her gaze.

"Okay?" he asked her and Olivia's shoulders slumped.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I know I shouldn't be out there. I was just in full cop mode again for a minute."

Elliot pulled her into a hug while the others retreated to prepare the raid of the illegal day care Lil' Tino's mother was running. He kissed her temple and mumbled,

"You'll always be Badass Benson, huh?"

Olivia returned the hug and smiled. It felt good to be held and she suddenly felt tears pricking behind her eyes. Noah's mother had been found. She should be happy about it, but somewhere deep inside her, she knew she wasn't. And she knew she had no right to feel this way. She buried her face in Elliot's chest, and he held her, stroking her back comfortingly. She knew he probably wasn't aware of what was going on inside her head, and was most likely comforting himself, knowing she'd be safe tonight. She really should talk to him soon about her plans to leave the unit, so he wouldn't worry about her so much.

They stayed to listen to the briefing of the team that would perform the raid, and then went home as ordered. Murphy promised her he would call if they needed her again, since she seemed to have a good influence on Ellie.

...

Olivia dreamed about little Noah that night. She didn't wake up in a cold sweat, but when she woke up early in the morning, she lay awake for quite a while, thinking about the baby. There was no way Ellie Porter would be able to take care of him in her current state. She remembered how hostile Ellie had been at first, defending her pimp and calling him her 'daddy'. Girls like Ellie were unpredictable and could relapse at any time. There was no guarantee she'd want to cooperate to get Lil' Tino behind bars.

Ellie didn't know who Noah's father was. She'd gotten pregnant while working so the father was some slime who hired young girls for sex. And yet, Noah was the most adorable little human being. He deserved a shot at a good life. The parallel with her own life didn't escape Olivia. Being the result of a crime, she knew how vital it was for a child to be acknowledged, to receive affirmation and to hear often that they were loved. She'd only began receiving - and accepting - real love late in life and still had trouble trusting people not to give up on her. More than anything, she wanted to spare little Noah the long road to finding his place in the world.

Elliot started to stir and Olivia turned on her side to face him.

"Hey, you're awake?" he mumbled, reaching out to her with his good hand.

"Hmm. Couldn't sleep anymore."

"Thinking about that baby again?"

He knew her too well.

"Yeah. He finally has a name."

"Noah."

Olivia smiled.

"Yes. It's a good name. A strong name."

Elliot stroked her hair and smiled at her sleepily.

"He'll be okay Liv. You founds his mother."

Olivia turned on her back and sighed. His mother, the drug addict. The prostitute. The victim. Before she could say anything else, her phone rang. Elliot groaned.

"Not again."

Olivia sat up and mumbled 'sorry' before hopping out of bed to get her phone. If it was about Ellie again, she wanted to know.

It was Lieutenant Murphy, telling her they had found a lot of evidence against Lil' Tino during the raid, but none of the girls they had taken in were willing to testify. They all thought Tino was looking out for them.

"Ellie doesn't," Olivia replied.

"I know, Murphy said. "You seem to have an in with her and I'd like you to keep working her. She made a statement, but we got to get her to testify before a grand jury."

"Ellie wants to see her son," Olivia offered reluctantly.

"Good. Let them bond."

Olivia hung up after ending the call and sat down on the bed, closing her eyes. Elliot moved behind her and she leaned back against his chest with a sigh.

"He wants me to bring Noah to Rikers so Ellie can see him. Let them bond, as he put it."

Elliot placed a kiss on her head and rubbed her arm with his left hand.

"He wants her to make an official statement. Get her pimp behind bars," Elliot deduced. "You okay with all this?"

"I don't know," Olivia admitted. "I've spent the last four months searching for baby Doe's mother, and then we end up arresting her."

"And now you have to turn her."

"And my only leverage is a ... _baby_ that she can't possibly take care of."

Olivia stood up to get dressed and Elliot decided not to comment one way or the other. He knew that the baby, Noah, had affected Olivia from the day she first saw him. Her concern for his wellbeing wasn't unfounded but he worried about her state of mind. She'd been through so much herself, but she was still focusing on helping this child. And him. Not herself. She was going in again, to take Noah to see his mother. Again, not a dangerous mission, but he worried about her anyway.

...

This case had sucked her right back in, and Olivia was working it alongside the team. Murphy didn't let her go out with them and she wasn't working whole days, but she stepped in a few times to talk to Ellie, helping to get her settled in a safe house and to get her ready for her testimony. The girl was cleaning up nicely and Langan assured her that she was working her program to get clean. Watching Ellie interact with her son had left Olivia with mixed feelings. She couldn't deny that she felt a little jealous of the young woman, despite the sad circumstances under which she had first been separated from her son, and later reunited with him. She loved her baby though, and wanted to do everything in her power to get him back. Ellie told Olivia,

"I don't want Noah to grow up in foster care like I did. I just want him to be safe, to grow up knowing that he's loved."

She couldn't have known it would be the last words she'd ever hear the young mother say. On the night before she was to testify, Ellie was brutally murdered. Olivia had insisted on seeing the crime scene for herself, and the image of the burnt body of Ellie Porter was permanently imprinted in her brain.

When Olivia came home late that night, Elliot could tell she was near tears. She was clammed up, not talking and Elliot decided to give her some space. She retreated into the guest room with her journal and Elliot gave her some time to sort out whatever was bothering her. After half an hour, he made her some tea and knocked on the door of the guest room.

"Come in El."

He opened the door with his elbow, balancing the small tray on his good hand.

"I made you tea," he announced, setting the tray down on the foot of the bed quickly before he'd drop it.

Olivia was sitting up on the bed on top of the covers, apparently still writing in her journal. He could see she'd been crying but he didn't call her out on it. In stead, he sat down next to her, handing her the cup of tea, which she accepted with a small smile.

"Thanks."

"How'd it go with Ellie? Did you find her?"

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She took another sip of tea and then looked at Elliot. He could tell from the look in her eyes, that whatever she was going to tell him wasn't going to be good. Nothing could have prepared him for her next words.

"After this case, I'm retiring."

...

 **A/N: ...**

 **What will Elliot say? And why is Olivia telling him now? Please leave a review!**


	89. Enough is Enough

**Reminder: I have stretched time a bit to accommodate my story. I felt the real show was moving way too fast after Olivia's final run-in with Lewis. So the dates here won't match the season 15 finale. As I write this, I realize I haven't added the dates to the chapters lately like I used to do. Apologies for that! It is now May, 2014. First, we go back to Olivia alone in the guest room. After that, we pick up where chapter 88 left off. Enjoy!**

...

89.

Olivia felt sick when she got home and she knew now that her decision to retire for Elliot's sake, was also what would be best for her. She had become way too invested in this case and couldn't deal with the horrors as well as she used to. Elliot was right to worry about her, and he'd been right to walk away from the job when he had. Back when they were still working together, somehow she had managed to flip a switch at some point, and leave a disturbing case behind her, no matter how personal it had sometimes gotten along the way. But now? They had only just found Noah's mother, and now she was dead. If they hadn't pressured her into testifying against her pimp, she would still be alive. Everyone would tell her that they couldn't have known and that they had done the right thing, turning Ellie and helping her get clean. And she knew all that, too. But all their good intentions wouldn't bring this little boy's mother back to him. He would never ever get to know her.

She cried for the small child, who was so innocent in all this. She couldn't flip a switch this time. And she didn't _want_ to. When she realized that, she cried even harder. Not for Noah this time, but for Elliot and for herself. They had been through too much, together and separately. Walking away from the job was the only thing she could do now. When her therapist had suggested once that it might be good for her to find another job after what she'd endured, she had told him that Lewis wouldn't take her job away from her. But this was different. This was for Elliot. And for herself. Maybe for the first time in her life, she was making a decision that was best for herself.

Olivia wasn't going to give up on the victims of abuse. She'd found an organization she wanted to tell Elliot about, that she'd love to become a part of. She decided to write a few things in her journal. This date would be a turning point in her life. May 30, 2014. She had brought the necessary paperwork home from the station with her, and filled it out, wiping a tear from her face every now and then. She hadn't meant to ignore Elliot when she got home, but this was something she needed to do alone. It was her decision and she was doing it for him. For them. And for herself. After signing the papers, she re-read what she'd written in her journal.

 _I'm done. For real this time. This life isn't healthy for me anymore. Maybe it never was. I think I've atoned for my and my parents' sins, and then some. There are other ways to help the victims. It's our time now. Mine and Elliots. Is it wrong to say we've earned it?_

 _I pray for little Noah Porter. I so wanted to have another outcome for him but his mother is dead and I can't bring her back. I want to see her killer brought to justice but that won't bring her back either. Getting the perps doesn't undo their crimes. I want to help the survivors after all is said and done about what happened to them. After the trials, or, God forbid, after their case is closed without being solved first. I wish there was more I could do for Noah, and for children like him, who came about by accident but have a right to be here just like the rest of us. Just like me._

She had stopped writing then. There was more to say but it had hit her that part of her had finally healed. She knew now that she had a right to be here. She didn't just know it in her head anymore, but also in her heart. And the one person who had shown her year after year that she mattered, was knocking on her door right now.

...

 _"After this case, I'm retiring."_

Elliot needed a few seconds to digest what Olivia had just told him. When the magnitude of her decision hit him, he felt goose bumps break out all over his skin. He took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time he felt like he could truly breathe again. But he also felt Olivia's pain. Somehow, there was solid ground beneath his feet again instantly, and he could be there for her. They looked into each others' eyes and he saw Olivia breaking inside. His arms were around her in a second and he pulled her in a sideways hug against his chest, but Olivia didn't give in to his embrace right away. She set her tea cup down on the nightstand and looked at him.

"I see now," she said, her voice trembling, "that I can't keep doing this to you. Enough is enough and you are worth more to me that this job."

Elliot swallowed hard at her words. Was she really doing this for him?

"You can't keep doing this to yourself either Liv," he offered, puling her back against him and moving his mouth to her temple.

He closed his eyes to inhale her scent. She was here. She was safe and she wasn't going back out on the streets. He could breathe again. He felt her nod and opened his eyes when she lifted her head to look at him.

"I know. Fifteen years is enough."

Elliot bowed his head until their foreheads were touching and let out a shaky breath.

"I can't believe you're saying that," he said softly.

Olivia smiled. She could feel the intense relief rolling off of Elliot. It wasn't easy to let go of the job, but he was worth it. She wanted this for him. For them. It wasn't selfish after so long to choose their happiness over yet another crime scene, yet another death, yet another family destroyed. She wanted to tell him about her idea of joining a foundation that worked very hard for all survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse. But at this moment, no words would come to her. She finally relaxed in Elliot's arms and returned his embrace, and she let out all the pent-up tension and emotions. Elliot held her close and rocked her while she cried silently. She cried for him, for herself, for little Noah and for Ellie. For all the victims they had seen and for all the loss of life. But they weren't just sad tears, there was also relief. She knew she'd made the right decision, and when Elliot kissed her cheeks, kissing away a few tears, she turned her head to kiss him on the lips. Elliot let out a surprised sound but kissed her back immediately.

There was an urgency in her kisses that made him wonder briefly if this was really what she needed right now. When she deepened the kiss and meanwhile sat up to straddle him, there was no mistaking her intentions. He tried to say something between kisses but Olivia put a finger on his lips.

"Ssssh," she whispered. "I need you right now."

How could he refuse her? If she needed his body to take away the pain of her decision, why would he _want_ to refuse her? He moaned when her hands moved underneath his shirt and up his chest, and he cursed his broken hand once again. Olivia helped him unbutton her shirt and unclasp her bra, and they didn't speak as they found each other at this important crossroad in their lives. Olivia's journal was pushed aside until it fell to the floor, quickly followed by their clothes. Elliot wondered briefly about Eli, who was sleeping soundly in his room, but when he felt Olivia's lips on his body, all rational thoughts were out the window. She kissed her way down his body and he closed his eyes while her mouth found its way. He stopped wondering what had brought this on and just let it happen. She was here and she was his.

They moved together in sync and he found her wet heat with his mouth as well. It was as if they rediscovered each other that night. After making love in the guest room, they showered together in the adjoining bathroom, and then started all over again. Olivia needed to feel alive to purge herself from all the death she'd seen over the years and even that evening, and she only wanted to feel alive like this with Elliot. He filled her up like no other man ever had, because he didn't just fill her body up, but her soul as well. He was her soulmate and the one man she would make sacrifices for. When she came for the third time that night, she cried when she gasped his name, and Elliot held her close to him until she had no more tears to cry, and she stilled in his arms. He kissed her softly and she smiled when he pulled the covers over their naked bodies. He was warm and safe and she knew she had finally come home.

After laying together in silence for several minutes, spent at last and just breathing together, Elliot asked her,

"Tell me what happened today?"

She told him about what had happened to Ellie. She had been gang-raped, tortured and then set on fire. Olivia felt so powerless, feeling like she'd failed Noah. He would never get to know his mother and she didn't know what would happen to him now.

"She told me she didn't want her son to grow up in foster care like she had," Olivia said.

Elliot nodded and kissed her forehead.

"You've done all you can, Liv."

Olivia looked at him, knowing he was right but not at all satisfied with his answer. When Elliot closed his eyes to finally get some sleep, she tried to do the same. When she drifted off to sleep, she didn't dream of the horrors she'd seen that evening or Lewis assaulting her. She didn't dream of their intense lovemaking of that night. She dreamed of little Noah Porter again.

...

 **June 2, 2014**

Elliot had come to the station with her when she went to Murphy to put her papers in and discuss with him when it would become official. Olivia wanted to tell the squad herself, and when she saw their shocked faces, she was glad Elliot was there to back her up. Rollins had tears in her eyes when she hugged her, and Fin just shook his head in defeat until Olivia pulled him into a hug as well. She could feel him trembling, but Fin wouldn't show his emotions in public, ever.

"You better throw us a hell of a goodbye party, Liv," he told her seriously, making the others laugh.

"I think you have that backwards Fin," Olivia quipped. "You all should throw _me_ a party."

She turned towards Nick then, who had been very quiet so far. When their eyes met, he stepped forward to give her a friendly hug as well.

"I'm gonna miss you, partner," he managed, before he choked up.

Nick took a deep breath then, and pulled himself together to shake Elliot's left hand with both hands.

"You take good care of her, alright?"

Elliot nodded.

"I will. Don't worry about it. Thanks for having her back for me."

Elliot knew Nick felt like he'd failed Olivia when she was taken by Lewis, but he didn't blame the man. He couldn't have known. Both men turned around when they heard Olivia ask Murphy,

"Any news on Ellie's case yet?"

Murphy raised an eyebrow and asked her with a half-grin,

"Did you just retire or not?"

"I did," Olivia said firmly, and Elliot felt his chest swell with pride. "But it doesn't stop me from caring."

Murphy told her they didn't have any new leads yet on who had ordered Ellie to be killed but Lil' Tino was going to prison.

"He's most likely just a small fish and we may try to use him later on to flush out the big guys he worked for. I will keep you posted on our progress, but I'd rather you didn't put any more hours in yourself. You're off duty as of right now. You have plenty of overtime to sit this one out. I will make sure all your remaining overtime is paid out, and you will get the paperwork about your pension sent to your home as soon as your retirement date is set. Now, if you would be so kind."

Murphy took on a very formal tone, but both Elliot and Olivia could see the amusement in his eyes when he continued,

"My squad and I have work to do, and we don't need any civilians hanging around here."

Olivia laughed and they left the squad room, promising to drop by for drinks very soon.

"Civilian," Olivia said softly when they walked up to the elevator.

"Sounds weird huh?" Elliot asked.

She nodded. Soon, she wouldn't have her gun and badge anymore.

"Wanna grab some lunch down the street, for old times sake?" Elliot suggested, and she nodded again.

"I'd love to. And I have something else to tell you too."

...

Leaving SVU had not been as difficult as Olivia had imagined. She had already let out all the pain in their night of passion right after her final decision, and they had spent the weekend relaxing with Eli. And today, it had definitely helped to walk out of there with Elliot by her side. It had been a very difficult two years without him, and now that they were building a new life together, it felt very natural to walk out of the 1-6 with him. It was a new beginning. She had some paperwork to finish up on a few cases, and had two court appearances scheduled, but there would be no more new cases from now on. Murphy would keep her informed about Ellie's case but like he'd said, he didn't want her actively working it anymore. Olivia would stay close by though. She owed that much to Noah.

They had lunch together and Olivia told Elliot about the foundation she'd contacted. She already knew their mission by heart: _to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues._

"They want to help survivors but they also want to create more awareness, and to get more government funding to do something about the huge nationwide backlog in rape kit testing. I really think I could contribute something there too with all my experience at SVU."

Elliot couldn't help smiling when he saw the genuine excitement in Olivia's eyes. She was a survivor herself, but she was already looking forward to helping others heal.

"I know I have a long way to go myself El," Olivia added, as if reading his mind, "but I'm really excited about this. I used to worry that I'd become useless if I ever stopped being a cop, but I can see so many possibilities now. And they agree that they could use my expertise. I have an interview next week."

Elliot wondered if she wasn't moving too fast, but he didn't want to temper her enthusiasm. When she asked him if he didn't want to check out the foundation for himself, he had no choice but to slow her down a bit.

"Liv, I'm not ready for something new yet. We still have therapy to go to, and I don't know what I'll want to do when I find my balance again. All I know is, I want us to find that balance together. You, me and Eli."

Olivia said she understood and agreed, but he couldn't help wondering if she wasn't trying to fill up a void with new activities. It would be a challenge for Dr. Smith to get her to admit it, if this was actually the case. Elliot grinned inwardly. If anyone was up to that challenge, it was Dr. Smith.

...

 **June 4, 2014**

The day before their first session together with Elliot's therapist, Olivia received a message from Pippa, who let her know that there would be another hearing for Noah Porter the next day. She expected that the child would officially be declared an orphan and hopefully, he would be put up for adoption at last. Her heart ached for the little boy but she wanted him to get out of the foster system soon. It was what his mother had wanted for him, so he could grow up in a stable home.

"Tomorrow morning?" Elliot asked her over lunch at their apartment. "Won't that be a little much on one day? We have our session with Dr. Smith tomorrow afternoon."

Olivia assured him that it wasn't a problem. The hearing would just be another formality.

"Then why do you need to be there?" Elliot asked her.

She bit her lip. She wasn't sure why she had this need to follow all Noah's hearings. She felt a connection to the child and she wanted to know every little detail. She was glad Pippa had picked up on that, and had let her know about the hearing.

Olivia shrugged and didn't answer Elliot's question. He knew though. She had found Noah right after thinking she was pregnant. She felt drawn to this baby because it was the one thing that was still missing from her life. Elliot had hoped she'd become pregnant after all, but it still hadn't happened. He so wanted that for her and he was willing to start all over again for her. But it was beginning to look more and more like an impossibility now. She was 45 and he wasn't even going to try and suggest fertility treatments to her. She'd bite his head off.

"You want me to come with you?" Elliot offered, and he could tell that she was grateful that he wasn't pressing the matter.

She shook her head though.

"No. That won't be necessary El. It probably wont' take more than ten minutes. I'll just meet you at Dr. Smiths' office afterwards."

...

 **A/N: 10 minutes? Maybe. Maybe not.**

 **PS. I'm sure you all recognized the mission of Mariska's Joyful Heart Foundation there?  
**


	90. Grounds For Concern

**Some psychology in this chapter. I hope it'll make sense to you!**

...

90.

 **June 5, 2014**

The hearing was just beginning when Olivia came into the courtroom. She stopped just inside the room and leaned against the wall while she listened to the judge.

"I understand we had located Noah Porter, FKA Baby boy Doe's birth mother, but she was killed last week?" judge Linden asked.

"That's my understanding as well, your honor," Pippa answered.

"Have we located any other living relatives who would be proper guardians for this child?"

The door opened behind Olivia, and Trevor Langan came in, needing only a few large steps to move to the front of the courtroom.

"No, your honor," he answered for Pippa while he found his seat and opened his briefcase.

"And you are?"

"Trevor Langan. I represented Ellie Porter, the deceased birth mother. She did not know who the birth father was, nor does she have any living relatives. But I do know she loved her son. And I'm here as Noah Porter's representative and to be of service to him in any way that I can."

"I see," judge Linden said, and then she looked at Olivia in the back of the room. "And Sergeant Benson, you're here again?"

"Yes, your honor."

The judge exchanged a look with Pippa Cox before starting to give her standard ruling.

"As the birth mother is deceased, and no father or other relative has come forward, I officially declare Noah Porter an orphan and ward of the state of New York."

Olivia looked down, knowing what would come next. He was going to stay at the ACS for now, and several different people would be taking care of his basic needs. He would have clothes, he would be fed and changed and bathed. But would he be loved? Would someone tell him about his mother one day? She closed her eyes briefly and was surprised to hear her name again.

"Sergeant Benson, you rescued the infant, isn't that right?"

"Yes, your honor."

"And you're the only one who's taken a consistent interest on his behalf."

Olivia couldn't confirm or deny that but it saddened her to think that no one had shown any real interest in the beautiful child.

"I know this is unusual, but I would like to speak with you and both attorneys in my chambers before I give my ruling. Do you agree?"

Olivia had no idea what the judge could possibly want to discuss with her, and Langan was giving her a curious look as well, but she nodded quickly. Anything she could still do for Noah, she would do without hesitation. Pippa just nodded at the judge, who then declared they were in recess.

Olivia walked to the judge's chambers with Pippa and Langan, feeling a little confused. She had only been listening in. How had she suddenly become a participant in this hearing?

Judge Linden sat down behind her desk and looked at the three people standing in front of her. Langan started to say something, but was stopped by the judge, who held up her hand and then put a finger over her mouth. She then turned her attention to Olivia again.

"Sergeant Benson, it has come to my attention that you will be leaving the NYPD shortly. Is that correct?"

"Ehm, yes, your honor."

"Why is that?"

Olivia glanced at Pippa, who nodded at her encouragingly. Apparently, Pippa knew something she didn't.

"I ehm ... well, after fifteen years I thought it was wise to step out of the line of fire, and make myself useful in a different way. I have people who need me to come home safely at night now, and that is why I have made this decision."

"I see. Well, since I kept seeing you at all the hearings regarding this baby, I asked a few people about you," judge Linden continued.

Pippa was suddenly looking out the window, but Olivia had a feeling she had been one of those people.

"I have learned that you have dedicated your entire life to helping others, and I am pleased to learn that you are now going slow down a little. This is the reason I want to ask you, is there any chance you might like to become a foster mother to this baby?"

Olivia's mouth fell open and she looked at the two attorneys next to her. Langan seemed equally surprised by the suggestion.

"I'm sorry. Excuse me, your honor?" Olivia asked, her voice trembling from the shock.

"I have a feeling about this, Sergeant Benson. Call it a judge's hunch."

The judge looked up at Langan, who nodded, and then she continued.

"If you agree, I will order Noah Porter into your care as custodial parent for one year, at which time you will be given the option to permanently adopt him."

Olivia wanted to say something but she was drawing blanks and her mouth was dry. She was feeling hot and cold at the same time and couldn't believe what the judge was saying.

"Sergeant? I understand this is rather sudden for you but I would like to know if you are interested."

"I ..."

Olivia swallowed and started nodding fervently.

"Yes. Yes, I'm interested. But I will have to talk to my partner about it first."

"Your partner? You mean Detective Amaro?"

Surprise was written all over the judge's face.

"No," Olivia said quickly. "Detective Stabler."

The judge's eyebrows shot up even higher and she sat up straight.

"I thought he no longer worked at SVU either."

Olivia smiled nervously.

"He doesn't. He isn't my work partner. He is my ... my life partner now."

Judge Linden smiled widely then and leaned back in her chair, folding her hands in her lap.

"I am so glad," she said warmly. "So you're partners for life huh?"

Olivia's nervous smile widened into a happy smile.

"Yes, we are."

"Please confer with your partner, and we will hear from you soon, yes?"

"Yes," Olivia answered wholeheartedly, still grinning widely. "Yes, you will."

...

Olivia was late. They had waited for almost ten minutes, but Dr. Smith wanted to get started. Elliot's hands were clammy. He'd already called her twice in the waiting room, and reached for his phone again.

"We can begin with you, Elliot," Dr. Smith said calmly but decisively, "and we will see how far we've gotten once Olivia gets here. I'm sure she's on her way."

Elliot nodded and set his phone on the couch next to him, but he was very restless. He had expected Olivia back twenty minutes ago and he hadn't heard from her at all. She would have called if she was running late, wouldn't she? Olivia wasn't answering her phone and the intense fear that something had happened to her, was almost overwhelming. This was what he couldn't deal with anymore. But she'd just been to court. She wasn't chasing a perp or getting in danger. He couldn't worry about her like this at every turn. It wasn't healthy. But what if something actually was wrong?

Dr. Smith picked up on his restlessness and asked him to describe exactly what he was feeling now that Olivia was running late. Elliot blew out a hash breath. Where to begin? He had all kinds of doom scenarios in his head and tried to shake them off. He probably looked very helpless, because his therapist actually leaned over to him to tap his knee, and she never touched him, ever.

"Elliot?"

"Yeah, yeah," he sighed. "I'm here. I'm just ... I guess I'm driving myself nuts, thinking of all the reasons Olivia might be late."

"Do you think she might have run into trouble between the courthouse and here?"

Elliot shrugged.

"Who knows really. Maybe she never even got there."

That thought sent his mind into overdrive again. She could be lying somewhere, bleeding out or she could have been taken by some lowlife ...  
Dr. Smith deduced that Elliot was accumulating all kinds of worries, until he would reach the inevitable conclusion that something _had_ to be terribly wrong. While acknowledging that Olivia not answering her phone was a reason for some worry, she tried to help Elliot make the distinction between valid and invalid grounds for concern. Perhaps Olivia couldn't answer her phone because she was in a conversation and didn't want to be disturbed. Maybe she'd muted her phone before entering the courtroom and hadn't noticed his calls. And perhaps she hadn't called that she was running late because she hadn't noticed. The fact that she wasn't answering her phone, wasn't a founded concern that something _had_ to be very wrong.

"Next you're gonna tell me she's forgotten all about this appointment," Elliot scoffed.

"I don't think she's forgotten. She knows it is important to you," Dr. Smith said calmly. "And from what you've told me about her, she cares about what is important to you."

Elliot couldn't deny that. He was still amazed that Olivia was actually leaving the force for him. For his sanity. And yet here he was, worrying that she'd been in an accident, mugged or even assaulted, because she was late for an appointment.

"Let's go over a few scenarios together Elliot, and you tell me if there are valid grounds for concern or not."

Elliot wasn't exactly in the mood to play games and he doubted that he would learn anything today as long as Olivia was MIA. Dr. Smith painted a picture of him coming home after a long day and finding his apartment empty. Nothing was out of place but Olivia and Eli weren't there and they hadn't left a note. Would he worry immediately in that situation? Elliot had to admit that he would, now. After all they had been through, he would probably call Olivia right away and sound the alarm unless she picked up her phone within three rings.

When Dr. Smith went on to describe him coming home again and finding his apartment empty and his furniture trashed, Elliot knew that he wouldn't even had stopped to call Olivia first. He would have called it in right away and would have organized a search while the apartment was being processed by CSU.

Dr. Smith asked him, upon reviewing both scenarios, if he felt like he had overreacted in the first situation. Were the fact that Olivia wasn't home and hadn't told him she was going out valid grounds for a deep concern about her wellbeing? Elliot knew what Dr. Smith was trying to do but he knew it would need a lot of practice. For now, his blood pressure continued to climb as more minutes passed without any sign of life from Olivia. Dr. Smith seemed to realize that his worry was too big to dig any deeper right now, and offered him a cup of coffee. Elliot's hands were shaking slightly and he felt a little embarrassed about it.

While they sipped their coffee, Dr. Smith asked him casually if he had every worried about his children like this in the past. Elliot explained that he'd done everything in his power to keep them out of the world he lived in every day on the job. It wasn't until their world collided with his, like the time Maureen was with him when he stumbled upon a victim of a violent assault who had been set on fire, that he had started to develop a deep concern for his daughter's safety. The same had happened when Kathleen was arrested, twice.

"And your wife?"

Elliot shook his head and wondered if it made him a shitty husband that he'd never worried about Kathy like he worried about Olivia now.

"You always kept her away from the dangers of the job."

He felt almost relieved that Dr. Smith gave him an excuse, but he knew his concern for Olivia went deeper than that. She'd been through so much and he couldn't bear the thought that there might be even more hurt ahead for her. He wanted her to have everything she'd ever dreamed of. He loved her more than he had ever loved his wife.

There was a soft knock on the door and they both looked at the door when it opened partly, and Olivia peeked her head around it. Elliot felt like someone had knocked the wind out of him and sat on the couch frozen. She was here and she was fine. She was fine? So why hadn't she called? He wanted to yell at her and shake her, and he wanted to hold her close and never let go of her. He did neither.

"You must be Olivia Benson. It's so nice to meet you. Please come in."

Dr. Smith's booming voice forced him to focus on the conversation at hand and he tried to concentrate on Olivia's voice when she spoke while shaking the therapist's hand.

"Thank you. I'm so sorry I'm late. I'll explain in a minute. I would have called but my phone is dead. Forgot to charge it last night so ... Well, I'm here now. El ..."

Olivia's eyes were sparkling when she looked at him but her smile faded when she saw the haunted expression on his face. She sat down next to him quickly and put a hand on his back.

"What's wrong El?"

Elliot shook his head and looked down at his hands. Dr. Smith chimed in while reclaiming her seat opposite the couch the couple was sitting on.

"Elliot was rather worried when he didn't hear from you, Olivia. We were just talking about the difference between valid and invalid grounds for concern."

"Oh ..."

Elliot sensed that Olivia understood immediately that he hadn't just been a little worried. She rubbed his back and scooted closer to him, until their thighs were touching.

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking. I could have found a phone somewhere but I thought you were in good hands here and I'd explain it to you later ... I'm sorry Elliot."

Elliot relaxed visibly and Dr. Smith watched the little scene unfold before her. He looked up at his therapist and mirrored the small smile on her lips. Olivia followed his gaze and asked the older woman,

"Is it really that bad?"

Elliot answered for her.

"I was going crazy Liv. I know it's not rational but, well ... I guess that's why we're here."

Olivia was almost bursting with the news about Noah that she wanted to share with Elliot, but seeing him almost falling apart like this, had made her acutely aware once again that they weren't out of the woods yet. Quitting her job was the right thing to do, but it didn't make their issues disappear overnight. Still, she couldn't keep her excitement hidden and Dr. Smith commented on it.

"It seems to me that the reason Olivia was running late isn't a bad one. Is it?"

Olivia looked at Elliot again, trying to ascertain if he was calm enough now to hear her news. His eyes were still a little restless and she continued rubbing his back.

"It's not," she offered. "I'm actually very excited about it."

Dr. Smith made an inviting gesture and Olivia took a deep breath.

"The judge in family court has asked me if I would like to be Noah's foster mother, and if that goes well, to officially adopt him after one year."

...

Emotionally, the complete one-eighty was almost undoable for Elliot. The sheer happiness radiating off Olivia was a little contagious however. He couldn't help grinning when he saw her face light up. He knew this was what she had secretly wanted all along. She'd never said it out loud, and probably hadn't even admitted it to herself, but she had fallen in love with this baby boy from the start. She would be the perfect mother for him. But while she was almost bursting with joy, he was still almost choking on his fear of something happening to Olivia, that had consumed him up until just a few minutes ago.

He listened while Olivia told Dr. Smith all about Noah and thought that his therapist was probably leaving him be for a bit so he could find his bearings again. Elliot moved one hand to Olivia's knee, needing to feel her to know she was actually there, unharmed. She covered his hand with hers automatically and squeezed it.

"I told the judge I need to discuss it with Elliot first. I know it's not why we came to this session but, well, it's not something I can just put out of my mind and pick back up later so, I hope you don't mind?"

Dr. Smith smiled warmly and told Olivia,

"It's very understandable that you would want to talk about this now. Elliot, are you up to this right now?"

Both women looked at him and he tried taking a deep breath to calm himself down. His adrenaline levels weren't back to normal yet. His eyes locked with Olivia's and he could see the joy in her eyes slowly give way to concern. About him. She was worried about him now, turning the tables once again.

"I promise I'll charge my phone every night from now on, El. If I'd known ..." Olivia told him, and seeing how she realized now what he'd been thinking actually helped him to return to the present completely. The thoughts of yet another pervert putting his hands on her had been just that. Thoughts. It hadn't happened. She was leaving the force and would no longer be a target for the slime that they put behind bars at SVU.

Olivia put her hands on his cheeks and turned his face towards her. She leaned her forehead against his and they both closed their eyes.

"I'm here," he heard Olivia whisper. "I'm okay. I'm not getting in trouble again. I promise."

He knew she couldn't promise nothing would ever happen to her again, but he understood what she was saying.

"We've seen so much shit over the years Liv," he sighed.

"And we're still here," Olivia answered firmly.

He opened his eyes and they looked at each other.

"We've come too far to give up now, El," Olivia said, and he nodded.

They both looked at Dr. Smith, who was watching the two of them intently. She smiled at them then and said to Elliot,

"Well, Elliot, you weren't exaggerating when you told me you and Olivia have a special connection."

...

 **A/N: Your honest reviews are always appreciated!**


	91. Everything I Ever Wanted

**And so this long ride comes to an end at last.**

 **I know several readers are gunning for things such as a ring, a wedding, a pregnancy, but I think those readers want all of that in every E/O story :))  
When this story was conceived, I already had the exact final scene in my head, and I have finally written it. This was where the story was headed all this time and I hope you will like it. I think it is in character and for me, the story is finished now. I thank all of you who have stuck with me until the end, and I welcome and thank all the readers who have only recently joined us. I would LOVE to hear what everyone thinks of the way I decided to wrap this story up. I consider it my life's work as far as fanfiction is concerned and it has been a joy to write it. Thanks for reading and enjoy this final chapter!**

...

91.

Olivia was giving Eli a bath and Elliot could hear them having fun in the bathroom. He smiled, muting the TV to hear them better. Olivia was born to be a mother. She had a way of connecting with children that was very special and he knew she loved Eli like he was her own. He had always wanted her to be a mother. And then Noah came along. A baby, not even six months old, and he was practically being handed to her on a silver platter. He knew she wanted him. She wanted to raise him and teach him that, no matter how he came into the world, he had a right to be here. That he was valuable and worthy to be loved, just like she had finally learned herself. How could he say no?

She had been so understanding about his anxiety attacks. His concern for her was too overwhelming. He knew he needed to work on that but for now, he was glad to have his loved ones under one roof. They had agreed to continue seeing Dr. Smith together, and separately whenever Dr. Smith thought that was necessary. Olivia had called Dr. Lindstrom to tell him she wouldn't be seeing him anymore. She was making big decisions and it was all for him. So now it was time for him to make another big decision, for her.

After Eli's bath, they read him a story together, having fun themselves playing the various roles of the animals in this particular story. When his son was finally tucked it, they all said goodnight. Once they were in the hallway outside Eli's room, Elliot took Olivia's hand and led her to the living room. There was a small smile on her lips and she didn't say anything, waiting for him to speak as they sat down next to each other on the couch.

"Liv, I know we still have a long way ahead of us to fight off our demons," Elliot started, and Olivia nodded.

She was still having nightmares, and so was he, and they spent a lot of nights lying in bed together, just talking things through quietly, after one of them had woken up in a cold sweat again. They drew strength from each other and his fear that they might drag each other down, had all but disappeared. Olivia's decision to leave the NYPD was a big part of that. Her retirement date hadn't been set yet, and Olivia still wanted Ellie's killer found and brought to justice, but he could tell that she was relaxing and getting used to the idea of doing something else. After more than twenty years on the force, over fifteen of them at SVU, she had definitely earned it. He knew that this 'something else' that Olivia was getting ready for, included Noah. And so he continued.

"But I also know now, that we're going to make it."

Olivia nodded again and she squeezed his good hand, that was still holding hers, her smile getting bigger.

"Yes El, we haven't been broken beyond repair."

He remembered his moments of despair, when he'd thought there was no fixing them after all they had recently been through, and all they had been through in the past. He didn't think that anymore.

"No, we haven't," he replied. "And that is why I think we should give Noah a home with us. I can't think of anyone more suitable to raise him than you."

Olivia blew out a breath and he could see tears welling in her eyes. There had been a time when she wouldn't even have asked him, and she would have just brought Noah home with her. She had changed. They both had. They had both grown, together, and his opinion mattered as much to her as her own. It was the same for him. Olivia didn't speak, she just beamed at him, tears now trickling down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around him and they held each other close.

"I love you," Olivia whispered in his ear, and he kissed her neck.

"I love you too."

She moved into his lap and kissed him, and he kissed her back passionately. She was here and she was safe, and they were going to foster little Noah together.

Olivia poured all of her love for Elliot out in a searing kiss, knowing she'd get him aroused in no time. She felt like she was going to explode with happiness and she wanted him right now. To give herself to him, more completely than ever before. They were going to foster Noah. He was going to be hers! And she was going to do it all together with Elliot, the one man she had ever seen herself have a family with.

When Elliot lifted her up, she yelped, checking that he wasn't hurting his hand, but it didn't seem to bother him at all while he carried her into their bedroom. He did need a little help getting out of his clothes, and Olivia was only too happy to assist him. She peppered his chest with kisses while tugging his long-sleeved shirt up and over his head, and over his splint. Elliot grunted in frustration that he couldn't return the favor, until she whipped her black blouse over her head as well. His mouth was on her chest then, and she reached behind her quickly to unclasp her bra. While their pants and underwear hit the floor, Elliot's mouth was already on her left nipple, his left hand caressing her right breast and Olivia sighed. She needed this right now. They both did. Having fun together was considered great therapy and she couldn't think of anything more fun right now than making love to her man.

She ran her hands up his pecs and then over his shoulders and down his biceps. He was the most handsome, well-built man she had ever known and he was all hers. _All mine_ , she thought, and when Elliot looked up at her with a huge grin on his face, she realized she had said it out loud.

"All yours, Liv," Elliot whispered before finding her mouth with his.

He eased her down onto the bed and she made room for him between her legs. They were passionate but not frantic. Intense but not rushed. They didn't speak, and the room was filled with soft sighs, limbs brushing against each other, and mouths finding each others' bodies everywhere. They were focused on each others' pleasure, and Olivia almost cried when Elliot made her come with his mouth. He moved over her and turned them around then and she straddled him, leaning in to kiss him languidly. It didn't take much for her to get aroused again after her first release and when the throbbing deep inside her became too much, she slid her body over Elliot's and took him in all the way.

Elliot groaned. He knew it would always be like this. Being deep inside Olivia would never be something ordinary. He had known her for more than fifteen years and he hardly remembered the time when she wasn't in his life. The years of walking the streets by her side as her work partner were far behind him. He was walking beside her as her life partner now. She was the center of his world and she had chosen to be with him. She knew everything about him, and chose to stay anyway. His eyes filled with tears without warning when Olivia started moving, making love to his body while staring into his soul. She leaned forward to kiss him and he held her close while they moved as one body. They were one, more so than ever before. He kissed her neck when she came again, with a low moan that made him come as well while her body started milking him, contracting around him. As he came deep inside her, he whispered her name softly, over and over again until he was completely sated.

Olivia rested her head on Elliot's heaving chest and closed her eyes. His strong arms enveloped her and she was home. He had been her partner for as long as she had known him and he would always be. They were partners for life.

...

...

 **Epilogue - one year later**

 **June, 2015**

It was a perfect day in Los Angeles. It was a warm day but not too hot, and the half-open restaurant was just perfect for the event. Kathy and Peter's wedding. The entire family had flown out to California to attend and it had been a beautiful ceremony. The party was now in full swing and Elliot spotted all of his offspring among the guests. He felt incredibly blessed and when his eyes found Olivia, he breathed out slowly. She was wearing a long yellow summer dress, contrasting beautifully with her olive skin, and her hair was pinned up loosely. She was talking with Maureen and Kathy's sister and she was completely relaxed.

They had come a long way this past year. They were still in therapy with Dr. Smith and they had already begun to heal. They had welcomed Noah into their home and Eli was elated to have a little brother. He watched his boys together, goofing off on the dance floor. Eli was very protective of Noah and it made Elliot so proud of his little man. He was growing up so fast, as was Noah for that matter. He'd been having some trouble with his astma, but he was a fighter. Just like his mom, Elliot would say and Olivia would smile proudly because he'd mean her. She was his mom, for all intents and purposes.

His eyes drifted back to Olivia. After they had gotten Noah, she had decided to take six months off before she would start her volunteer work at the foundation she had wanted to join. Meanwhile, Elliot had decided to take a step back as well, and had joined the Missing Person's Cold Case unit. He still carried a badge and gun but was hardly ever in a situation where he'd need to pull his gun anymore. He still needed to have his gun to feel like he could protect his family adequately, and he didn't think that would ever change. Dr. Smith was welcome to try and change it, but he had accepted his need to carry a gun as something that would always be a part of him.

 _Elliot looked around the room and saw Kathy dancing with her new husband, cheek to cheek. He was truly happy for her. He noticed a familiar figure across the room. Jake Bronson. He hadn't seen the older man again after that one brief encounter in his backyard. Jake Bronson looked at him and then at Olivia. When he made eye contact with Elliot again across the room, the man lifted his glass, smiled and nodded at him. Elliot smiled too. He glanced at Olivia as well and then looked at Jake again. A look of understanding passed between both men, and Jake then looked at the newlyweds, still dancing together. He clearly approved of his son-in-law's choice for Kathy. They smiled at each other once more. No words were needed. This was how it was supposed to be. They had all come full circle._

Olivia noticed that Elliot had been looking at her and her face lit up. She left the little group she had been talking to and walked up to him. Elliot held out his arm and she stood next to him, his arm slipping around her waist and hers around his. They watched Kathy and Peter on the dance floor and stood together in silence.

Olivia glanced at Elliot. He looked so handsome in his black slacks and while short-sleeved shirt. He was completely relaxed and he was simply happy for his ex-wife. It warmed her heart. They had come a long way and she couldn't be happier with her new life. A photographer spotted them and they smiled into the camera.

"Beautiful," the man said, and Elliot responded without missing a beat.

"Yes, she is."

They all laughed, and Olivia and Elliot let go of each other when Eli and Noah came running up to them.

"Look Noah, there's mommy and daddy," Eli said.

Olivia picked up Noah while Elliot grabbed Eli around the waist. He was seven, going on eight and thought he was a big boy now, but he still loved to joke around and cuddle with his dad. They both held on to their boys and Elliot nodded at the couple on the dance floor that was the center of attention today.

"Would you want that too, Liv?" he asked her casually.

Olivia smiled at him, and the photographer got ready to take another picture of them with their two boys on their hips.

Elliot smiled at her as the moment was captured by the camera for posterity.

"No," Olivia said quietly, looking into his eyes just when the photographer took their picture. "I have everything I ever wanted right here."

 **THE END**

...

...

 **A/N It is difficult to say goodbye to this story, but it is done. Olivia got her happily ever after with Elliot and has a family now. I'm not marking the story 'completed' just yet because there may be a second epilogue, but I'm not sure about that yet. This is the way I always pictured the end of this story, having rewritten three full seasons of SVU. It is done at last. Thank you all again for reading this until the end. All your feedback has been much appreciated and I'd love to hear from you again.**

 **Until next time,**

 **O.E. Bensler**


	92. Final note

**Final note.**

Dear readers,  
after thinking about it for three months, I have decided that there will not be a second epilogue, so this story is now complete.

However ...

It kept bothering me that I forgot to tie up a small loose end in the final chapter. I have corrected that today. I have added one paragraph to the epilogue that really belongs in the story. In my haste to complete the story three months ago, I simply forgot about how I had planned to revisit Mr Jake Bronson one last time.

The paragraph I have added to the epilogue is in _Italics_ , so you will be able to identify it easily.

Thank you again for reading and reviewing!

Olivia E. Bensler,  
December 20, 2016.


End file.
